SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Wayward Side
User Topic: BH wants to talk..I am nervous.
SoSorry17
Member
Member # 43415
Stop  Posted: 11:20 AM, June 17th (Tuesday)

Got a text from Swat about an hour ago. He wants to sit down and have a talk. He said he still has some questions he would like answered. I told him I would be available and would answer all of his questions.

I'm starting to panic a bit. I have nothing else to hide, but I'm afraid I'll just hurt him more. I don't know why, but I do.


BH-SWAT70 Me-39
Three kids 11,6 and 3
He did file for divorce, the marriage will be ended 10/23/14.

Posts: 257 | Registered: May 2014
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, June 17th (Tuesday)

No matter what...be honest, truthful and do not minimize.

Do not let fear govern your answers...


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2540 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
SoSorry17
Member
Member # 43415
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, June 17th (Tuesday)

frm, thanks for responding. I intend to, but I'm scared. I know way deep down I have to let go of the outcome of marriage. I'm working on that, but right this second I'm afraid this is the death blow. I'm afraid I'll just screw up again and he will be hurt even more.


BH-SWAT70 Me-39
Three kids 11,6 and 3
He did file for divorce, the marriage will be ended 10/23/14.

Posts: 257 | Registered: May 2014
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)

All he wants from you is the truth. The best way to show him how much you love him is to put your fears on the back burner.
Be empathetic
Be loving
Be selfless

Be transparent.

Your honesty will go way farther than you trying to control the outcome.

This is not about what you want, this is about what SWAT needs


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2540 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
SoSorry17
Member
Member # 43415
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)

Thank you. I don't mean to freak out. It just really caught me off guard and I think I needed a minute to settle down.


BH-SWAT70 Me-39
Three kids 11,6 and 3
He did file for divorce, the marriage will be ended 10/23/14.

Posts: 257 | Registered: May 2014
caspers1wish
Member
Member # 28720
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)

I honestly think you should give yourself a break here and stop second guessing yourself so much. You are not perfect nor have to be. Be as honest as you can, as open as you can. That's all you can do at this point. You are not a yo yo. You may say the wrong thing, it'll be ok. You may not have all the answers he's looking for or they won't be good enough for him. You'll be ok. You may disappoint. You'll be ok. If it's the deathblow, you'll be ok. You're hurting, you both are. Emotions are still running high and neither know which way is up. Be gentle with each other.

Hugs and support.


Me - FWW (35)
Him - BH (34)
Kids - Ages 6, 8, 10
Married 13 years, together 18 years.
Last D-Day - November 2008

Posts: 805 | Registered: Jun 2010
walktheline
New Member
Member # 43408
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)

You may hurt him more...if you answer his questions honestly, it's definitely possible that he'll get hurt.

What's important is telling him the truth and giving him what he wants. It's the right thing for both of you.

You can do this. Be strong. Don't break down. I mean this gently -- don't make it about you, how sorry you are, how you wish it had never happened. Keep the focus on him, answering his questions. Don't be a victim. (I say this as someone who was once the world's biggest victim. I wish someone had told me this stuff years ago.)

I'll be sending good vibes your way.


fOW/fWW - 30.

Married to amazing new H who is not a BH and never will be.


Posts: 19 | Registered: May 2014 | From: walktheline
finallyfree2011
Member
Member # 37998
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)

Its tough - just be honest.

Hoping he will see the love you still have for him.


Me - WS
H - BH

D day - July 2011 after a 4 year relationship with OM

Reconciled and renewed our vows on our 22 Anniversary in June 2012


Posts: 64 | Registered: Jan 2013
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)

(((SS17)))

The truth is going to hurt him but if you TT or minimize at all, you will hurt him even more.

SWAT is strong - he can handle the truth. He deserves it, so when he asks for it, give it to him.

and I totally second what caspers said. Nobody is perfect - no WS or BS. We are human. Allow yourself to be human and to accept that with that humanity comes mistakes, flaws, and pain on both sides of the equation.

sending you positive vibes and strength to get through the talk. Be gentle with yourself.


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 6023 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
heartbroken0903
Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)

I agree with everything the others said. Sending strength and support your way.


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

We remarried in 2014.


Posts: 2316 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
somethingremorse
Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)

Hang in there.

No matter what happens, all you can do is live honestly and purposefully for today. The past is in the books and the future hasn't been written yet.


Me: WH (40s)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 741 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
SoSorry17
Member
Member # 43415
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)

Oh boy. That was not fun at all. I'm proud of myself though. I was painfully honest with him. It wasn't so much a talk as an interrogation. I've never seen him like that. He just kept asking and asking, then asked me to explain. He wasn't a BH, he was a cop getting a confession. But it was weird, because I could almost see through his questions. I could see and feel his pain and indecision.

He had some questions I wasn't able to answer and I told him, that I didn't have answers to them but I was working on finding them. He seems to think I don't and didn't love him. How else could I have done it? I assured him that wasn't the case and there wasn't anything he did or didn't do. It was all my decision. That I didn't cope with my issues appropriately.

By the third pot of coffee, he got to the sex questions, my pictures and about my journal. Prior to today not my finest moment, but again I was honest. He didn't stop with just my affair though. He wanted my complete sexual history and wanted to know why I sent pictures. He especially wanted to know why I sent pictures that would be so easily identified and had my custom made piercings.(BH considered them almost like wedding rings) I know I mentioned there was a sex act I performed with AP that I didn't with Swat.

This point of the convo hurt me the most. This is when I saw my beautiful man, was crushed. He had no self esteem because of this and what I had written. I explained to the best of my ability, the journal was fantasy and just a way to validate my feelings, and I actually used the journal to avoid AP for a while. I kept it after dday to keep reading it and get my fix. The pictures I needed validation and AP wanted them, so I sent them and no I didn't think about how BH would have felt. It was all about me and what I wanted. I tried for a little humor about the sex act, not a good idea. Swat is a very large man, AP not so much. AP is literally "half" the man. I don't think I need to spell it out.

By the end we were both done in. I had cried and he broke down a time or two as well. He thanked me for explaining everything and for my honesty. For some reason he actually believes me and I'm being completely honest. I told him I wasn't giving up my fight for him. Five months or fifty five years, I wasn't going to give up. And I'll tell you all, I really meant that. He gave me a hug and kissed me.(a whopper I might add )

He thanked me for saying that and said it meant a lot. He asked if I would be willing to have dinner Friday night and we can talk some more. My answer was absofreakinglutly.

I made mistakes today but I was honest and I think I helped him. At least I hope I did. I feel beat up and yet lighter at the same time.

I want to thank you all, because I'm being honest, the 2x4's and your kind words have sunk in. His healing is what is important and I'm just here to help. So thank you all very much.


BH-SWAT70 Me-39
Three kids 11,6 and 3
He did file for divorce, the marriage will be ended 10/23/14.

Posts: 257 | Registered: May 2014
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)

Good job. I know how scary it was, I've been there myself. It takes a lot of guts to be honest about the horrendous things we've done, especially when we have developed the ability to lie and hide our ugliness. Being honest is the first step to a new improved, happier you.

((((Sosorry17))))


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1509 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
WalkinOnEggshelz
Member
Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)

Good job on being honest with him. Also, letting him know you want to fight for him.

If you haven't started one yet, I recommend writing that timeline. I guarantee you that this is only the beginning of many more discussions. As things come to him, as he begins to realize each level of each betrayal, he will want to talk to you about it.

Neither one of you have any idea how many ripples are involved. How many layers. You have what is considered a double betrayal. Not only have you betrayed him, but your AP has betrayed him too. He isn't a faceless name. He can picture in his mind every act you just described. That will take some processing on his part. And he will get angry.

Be there for him. Answer every question. And when you can't, let him know you will do your best to find the answer.

Good job today. It was a good start to becoming a better person. Now go take care of your kiddos and let them know how much they are loved.


Me: WS 42
Him: BH 43(HoldingTogether)
M: 18years, together 22
2 Daughters: 13 and 10
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 766 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)

I kept it after dday to keep reading it and get my fix.

Your true reason for keeping the journal was immediately obvious...at least to me. You forgot you had it, uh-huh.

Now you''ve told the truth, even though it was embarrassing and painful. Well done. And just to be clear, this isn''t a 2x4 or an I-told-you-so. To me, this looks like Day One of your recovery.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1252 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)

Good job today. These talks are never easy. I am glad that you have stuck around and continued to post. Keep it up.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5155 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
raven3321
New Member
Member # 43647
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)

WS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:59 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 7 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: raven3321
SoSorry17
Member
Member # 43415
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)

20wrongs,

Your right on so many levels. It hurt because he saw all of my flaws and bad decisions. But actually getting it out in the open felt weird. Good and bad at the same time. I actually expected it to be worse, or rather his reaction to be worse. But he just took in what I said and started again. There were a few times I felt I wanted to minimize and I almost did. But "be honest and don't lie to him" kept popping into my head. So I was honest and didn't lie and he was still there, he didn't just walk away. After everything I've said and done to him, how did he stay?

He mentioned he "knew" about my affair last year when I was actually cheating. But he just didn't know the extent or with who. He said after he was injured and I was "back" he put it on the back burner so to speak.


BH-SWAT70 Me-39
Three kids 11,6 and 3
He did file for divorce, the marriage will be ended 10/23/14.

Posts: 257 | Registered: May 2014
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)

Good Job! Keep it up.


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2540 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
heartbroken0903
Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)

I am proud of you. That took courage! Keep it up.


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

We remarried in 2014.


Posts: 2316 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
walktheline
New Member
Member # 43408
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)

Great job, SS17. That took guts but you did it.


fOW/fWW - 30.

Married to amazing new H who is not a BH and never will be.


Posts: 19 | Registered: May 2014 | From: walktheline
SlowUptake
Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)

Well done SS17.


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
scaredsorry
New Member
Member # 39281
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)

I am a longtime lurker and this is my first post. I have followed yours and SWAT's story from the beginning and I identify with you in a lot of ways. Good job tonight. I am pulling for you. <3

Posts: 9 | Registered: May 2013
SoSorry17
Member
Member # 43415
Default  Posted: 8:51 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)

Thanks everyone. I'm still nervous about all of this and yet I'm proud. I did it and yet nothing bad happened. He was angry and hurt before and I know he still is. But he was still sitting there after the ugly truth was on the table. I don't know how or even why. I've given him more than enough reason to kick me to the curb.

I know it doesn't mean we are together. He showed some affection, which I haven't seen from him in a while.(not blaming just stating a fact) He was kind enough to hear me out and even wants to keep talking about this. I didn't do this to win him back, that may not even be possible. It took a while but it finally sunk in. This isn't about me and what I want, but what he needs to either heal and feel safe again or to decide he has had enough.

So I sent him a email."SWAT70, first thing first. I'm sorry you had to go through that today. I would like you to know something. I appreciate what you did today. I know it was very difficult, it was for me. But I do appreciate your willingness to talk with me. Second, I'm sorry for all of the pain I've caused you. It isn't enough I know, but I am sorry. Lastly, I love you. I really do, I haven't shown it. But you have shown me unconditional love, I failed you and lost you. I lost your love and maybe worse of all your respect. But I want you to know I'm going to always work to show you how much all of that truly meant to me. Love, SS17"


BH-SWAT70 Me-39
Three kids 11,6 and 3
He did file for divorce, the marriage will be ended 10/23/14.

Posts: 257 | Registered: May 2014
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)

It's scary isn't it? Seeing a glimmer of hope. Trying to keep yourself in check so your doing things for the right reasons. Letting go of the outcome.

Keep the focus on you. Doing the work. That is the absolute most important thing you can do. Become the woman you can respect and love. Love those children. And yes love SWAT too. Actions and priorities. Fix yourself. Protect and love your kids. Help him heal.

You've got this. I'm impressed and proud.

PS- the email was nice.

Make his life easier in little ways if you can without asking for validation or recognition. He is still reeling and will be angry on minute, shattered the next. He will be exhausted. That is the thing Knight says the most. "I'm just so tired." When he comes home to dinner on the table, his clothes washed and folded, and things under control it is a relief for him. I realize things are different with you and swat right now being separated but if you can find a way to take the pressure off of him without pushing his boundaries it's a good way to show him you love him.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1509 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
splitintwo
Member
Member # 42951
Default  Posted: 12:27 AM, June 18th (Wednesday)

I'm proud of you. Hugs, SS17.


BH: 42
WW: 37
LTA ended Jan. 1, 2014; NC started in April.
Married 17 years.
No DDay; this, like all of life's decisions, is a work in progress.

My best thinking brought me to SI.


Posts: 213 | Registered: Mar 2014
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, June 18th (Wednesday)

I am so proud of you. (((SS17)))


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 6023 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
Topic Posts: 27