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User Topic: Is marital sex a duty? Was I a "bad wife" for not supplying sex?
Ms_Strong
Member
Member # 30883
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)

I bumped into an old acquaintance that I haven't seen for 3 years who used to be friends with my XH. She's not very tactful and told me all about what my XH said about me while we were going through the divorce and it is troubling me.
The first thing she said was after I told her I was happy and in a long-term relationship, she said "That's good you're happy even though everybody said he's too young for you and it wouldn't last because he'll get tired of you". Yeah, really tactful.
Second thing she said, is that my XH told her that the reason he cheated was that he was "sick of having to be nice to my wife (me) so I could have sex with her once a week." Obviously the fact that he felt that he had to be nice and it wasn't coming from a genuine place is messed up. He used to complain that he wanted to have sex every night but I wouldn't feel like it. After he got home from work he was not very nice to me. Conversations were strained...He definitely acted like a dickhead and was not the nice guy I married. My question to you all on SI - Should sex with your spouse be something you expect as part of marriage? Or is it like when you're dating, that it might not happen? Was I wrong that I liked and still like to feel respected and treated nicely before any intimacy? Do you think that it is a duty of the spouse to supply sex if the spouse wants it but communication and emotional intimacy isn't always there?


Me: 40, happily divorced Dec11
D-Day #1 - 9th Jan 11, D-Day #2 - 13th Jan 11
Kids - 4, 8 yrs

Posts: 269 | Registered: Jan 2011
fireproof
Member
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)

No I don't think it is a requirement but I also think if this is a main issue for either people they should voice their concern or seek therapy to find a middle ground.

That being said having to or being forced out if your comfort zone on this area is in my opinion a No.

It is about respecting yourself. Sounds like he was just venting.


Posts: 1011 | Registered: Jul 2012
persevere
Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)

I'm glad you refer to her as an acquaintance because she's clearly not a friend - what a bitch.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4618 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
MovingUpward
Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)

Should sex with your spouse be something you expect as part of marriage?

Yes. If we continue to believe that sex outside the marriage is wrong then we are also saying that sex is to be within the marriage. Thus spouses should expect the marriage to be the outlet for sex.

Or is it like when you're dating, that it might not happen?

Yes to this too. Just because you are married you are not entitled to sex at any given moment. So there is a balancing that has to happen and this can get tough when partners have different drives and expectations. Although in a good marriage both partners will be working towards the partnership called marriage.

As for the acquaintance, pretty rude. As for your XH nothing is an excuse for cheating.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 52731 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
asurvivor
Member
Member # 32368
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)

My X thought sex was her duty...Unfortunately it wasn't with me. "Insert cymbal noise here"


I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know.



Posts: 576 | Registered: Jun 2011
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)

Both...

As my M disintegrted our sex life got worse and worse and it was never great. At the end I was performing out of a sense of obligation. He never forced me but it was awful.

I do think that sex is part of a healthy relationship. If the sex life isn't healthy then issues in the relationship might need to be addressed. We all have different sex drives and that should be addressed if its the only problem.

Sex should never be forced or an 'obligation' imo.

I have much more satisfying, passionate sex with my SO than I ever did with X husband. It is mostly because our overall relationship is better. We are also in agreement that a healthy sex life is important for our emotional connection. We talk about it and acknowledge it's importance. We make physical touch part of the day all day every day which leads to an easier connection. Its just a little extra touch on the arm, hand holding, kissing etc...not full blown gropefest or anything. Even if I'm not in the mood and he is, i feel a connection and intimacy that makes it pretty easy to get in the mood.

OTOH he is also understanding and loving if I'm just pooped, had a bad day or just not feeling it. There's no guilt, no pressure just tenderness. He knows that once in a while, its just not going to happen.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8462 | Registered: Apr 2008
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)

The word "duty" sets my teeth on edge. To me, sex and intimacy are an important aspect of a healthy relationship/marriage, and I wouldn't remain in a marriage without that. But duty? As in you owe sex to someone? Hell no.

Your second question - whether you were a bad wife? From your description, it sounds like a bad marriage - one that wasn't meeting anyone's needs. You weren't treated with respect or affection. Of course you wouldn't want to be intimate with someone who treated you like that. That doesn't make you wrong or bad - it reflects on the state of the relationship, not on you as a wife.


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25835 | Registered: Aug 2011
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)

ask not "is martial sex a duty?" but rather "is chatting with a tactless be-otch a duty?"

that answer to that is no

Don't let her make you question yourself. It's obvious she set out to mentally sabotage you with her comments from the get-go.


Posts: 501 | Registered: Jun 2012
somer222
Member
Member # 21377
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)

What a witch she is!

You'll be doing yourself a huge favor the next time you see her to just walk away from her. Do not talk to her, do not engage on any level.

She intended to ruin your day. I think she succeeded. Toxic!


Posts: 1446 | Registered: Oct 2008
Maxiom
Member
Member # 26001
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)

I don't post in NB often, but this is kind of a sore spot for me lately, but I do agree. Sex is not a duty, but it is a part of a healthy relationship.

In my circumstance, my wife and I have very different sex drive. Mine is off the charts.. hers.. well. I would say its not unhealthy, but its not even in the same ball park as mine. Its an issue, but one I hope we can work out. Still.. this does not entitle me to an affair.. nor would it entitle anyone to an affair.

Just the other day "The Women" was on TV.. and it got to the scene in the Lesbian bar where Debra Messing's character began the whole.. "what did you do to cause this?" Bull crap. Which pissed my wife off.. so she turned it off. With this innudation in media of cheater apologists, im not surprised at this is the prevailing mentality for the majority of people not affected by infidelity.


Me: FBS/WS 41
Her FWS/BS 41
My DDay - March 10, 2007 Whole Truth - May 2007
Her DDay - March 2, 2011
True NC March 3, 2011

Posts: 462 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Canada
LydiaE
Member
Member # 42571
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)


Duty sex is the worst-- for the giver and the receiver.

If sex has begun to feel like a duty or a chore, both partners in the marriage are to blame. One might be selfish or clueless or just not open to instruction. It is definitely a chore and a libido killer to feel pressured to perform sex acts that are painful, unsavory, or just plain banal.

The high sex drive/low sex drive phenomenon is also tricky. Often times the low sex drive spouse might blossom sexually with someone else. Often times the high sex drive spouse might just be really bad in bed. People who are mismatched sexually get married all the time.

Your ex is a jerk for saying that about you and your acquaintance sounds horrible. I always wonder about men who complain about wives/girlfriends rejecting them sexually. It is not really something I'd be bragging about if it were me. It would be an embarrassment.


Posts: 99 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: SouthernUSA
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 11:56 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)

Sex should never be a duty, but it should be an important part of a healthy marriage in some way, shape or form. Also, if you're sexually mismatched, there is going to be trouble, but no, it's not a reason to cheat.

It was very frustrating to me that the X was no where near as interested in sex as I was. When he developed ED, we moved to another form of sex, and it was what it was. I never considered him a 'bad husband' for not being as sexual as I was, though.

That's why it was so hurtful when I discovered he was using viagra with the OW--thousands of dollars worth. He wouldn't even discuss it with me. I even offered to pay for it. Bleh.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20313 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Sadmumma
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Member # 42192
Default  Posted: 5:44 AM, June 18th (Wednesday)

Yes.. Sex should be a part of the marriage.

But I think within the marriage you also have a right to be respected and valued.

Communication communication communication.

But if he's an idiot, you can talk till the cows come home and he's still going to be an idiot and not get it.


On any given day you have the power to say "my story is not going to end like this"
Me 41 BS
Him 41 WH
6 kids...7 weeks, 5,7,9,11&13
D day jan 29th 2014

Posts: 536 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Land down under
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, June 18th (Wednesday)

1. Don't ever talk to that nasty hyena again. She doesn't have anything for you that you want/need to know.

2.

Was I wrong that I liked and still like to feel respected and treated nicely before any intimacy
HELL no! Sex is not a duty. It is an expression of love and intimacy between two people. If one person treats you like crap all day, why would you want to get naked with them?

3.

Do you think that it is a duty of the spouse to supply sex if the spouse wants it but communication and emotional intimacy isn't always there?
I think it is the duty of both partners to talk about it. If one partner wants sex, but the other is not feeling the bonding necessary to be in the mood, then it is time for discussion.

4.

That's good you're happy even though everybody said he's too young for you and it wouldn't last because he'll get tired of you".
My SO is 20 years younger than me. We have been together now for 1 1/2 years. We are very happy. When someone says things like "everybody says".....she is trying to hurt you and also make it sounds like she is the authority on this subject and the entire rest of the world is against you, because she has "everybody" on her side and she is authorized to speak for "everybody." The only people I know personally that talk like that are sociopaths who have to use the term "everybody" because they realize that what they alone say just isn't that important.

he was "sick of having to be nice to my wife (me) so I could have sex with her once a week
So, if he really said that, he is a tool.

I obviously feel strongly about this subject, but here is what happens when you tell someone it is their duty to have sex with someone because they are married.....being the good little "insert my former religion" girl I was, I felt it was my duty to have sex with my first husband to keep him satisfied and happy in the marriage. He ignored me, treated me like a servant, didn't care about my emotional needs, and was very controlling. I would lay there and stare at the ceiling, sometimes while tears ran down my face, while waiting for him to hurry up and finish. Never again. I actually love sex and with my new SO, who takes the time to make sure my emotional needs are met and makes me feel like a priority, the only time I am not in the mood for him is when I am sick.

Sex is not a duty. It is a privilege and a sacred expression of the bond between two people. When that bond starts to crack, it needs to be fixed or it is time to move on.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 6:34 AM, June 18th (Wednesday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15298 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
EvenKeel
Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, June 18th (Wednesday)

Geez avoid this person going forth! She has nothing positive for you.

I agree with you. No one should have to have $ex in or out of a M. When I found out my X was cheating, something very intimate died inside of me. I tried to continue to have sex, but it was all mechanics.

When I found out the running around continued; I was done emotionally. I stopped having sex with him.

To have sex with him when my heart wasn't there, was like being violated. It was such a sad, empty feeling.

But the past is past...now for your NB relationship , how do you feel now? Do you feel that connection and desire?

I was so worried something might of permanently died inside of me during my M because I lost all desire. I am so happy to report that is not the case. I have been able to connect very deeply (and sensually) in my NB relationships. Have you been able to reconnect?


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2185 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, June 18th (Wednesday)

I have a much higher libido than the sad clown - I always have. I would do it every night if I could. My libido is back to that level now but for the last few years of that M it disappeared. I blamed having kids but in reality it was because we were completely disconnected.

He was unkind to me, emotionally abusive, distant, moody, tired, uninvolved in our life, unplugged and had PE issues (I love a quickie, I don't need much foreplay and am very quick/easy to orgasm but 2 mins every time bugs the shit out me - it felt disrespectful) - all of this killed my libido. I barely even masturbated.

I still initiated and responded to sexual contact around 3 times per week. It wasn't enjoyable, mostly BJs for him and he was done in 2 mins or sometimes too drunk to come (I hate stinking drunk sex).

There was no connection yet he's trying it on and get angry when I rebuffed him or would get angry that I wouldn't give him a BJ even though I had told him I wanted sex because it had been BJs the last few times. Didn't matter.

I'm sure he has blamed my lack of libido for his cheating. Never mind that for the first 6 years he knocked me back more often than not.

So no - sex isn't a duty. It is an aspect of connection and intimacy, not the only one or even the most important one.

Since I got rid of him my libido came back with a vengeance. I don't have to deal with PE, ED, moodiness and disrespect.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5618 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, June 18th (Wednesday)

Was I wrong that I liked and still like to feel respected and treated nicely before any intimacy?

I just want to weep t this question! Honey, no, you are not wrong. You should have been treated with love and care and you were not; a drop in sex (to a pretty normal level for a long-term couple, I think) is the fallout of HIS behavior and rests on him.

You had a bad husband--that is why you didn't want to have sex. He blamed you because he is probably an entitled asshole.

We all deserve to have sex from our partners if we treat them lovingly and with understanding that sometimes life gets away.

But a slip of paper saying you are married does not equal a 'redeem for sex regardless of how you treat your partner' voucher.

I am so sorry that this acquaintance has brought back a feeling of guilt or responsibility. If someone expected me to have sex with them and yet gave me no kindness or attention, I would never want to be intimate with them--and I have a pretty high libido.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Ready_to_run
Member
Member # 20954
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, June 18th (Wednesday)

If you believe in marriage in the biblical sense then we are to become one person once we are married and our bodies are no longer our own anymore. So, yes in that sense, it does become part of the deal and we are not to deny our bodies to our mates. (unless of course we are physically unable)

If you don't believe in the biblical context of marriage then I guess you just get to make up your own rules and that is where confusion reigns IMO.


BH
Divorced


Posts: 750 | Registered: Sep 2008
tabitha95
Member
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, June 18th (Wednesday)

I love having sex with someone who makes me feel special. When I was the only one taking care of the house, kids (when they were small and needed constant care), bills, pets, etc....all while having a job....and then I wasn't greeted with a hug or kiss or even nice words to make me feel special...then I didn't really want to have sex with him. Wasn't it his duty to support me in non-sexual ways?


BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3250 | Registered: Dec 2008
InnerLight
Member
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, June 18th (Wednesday)

I think it's the duty of the husband to create an atmosphere in which his wife is open to receiving his sexual advances. Kind, thoughtful, considerate actions and gestures come first.


BS, age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years and 20 together. Now I am living alone in the beautiful rural property that was once the dream retreat with X. It's taking a long time to create new dreams but despite some struggles I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5871 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
hummingbird8
Member
Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, June 18th (Wednesday)

My opinion? If I expect my husband be faithful, and I do. He should expect that he will get regular sex. And vice versa.

It is not ok to say that we expect fidelity but they shouldn't expect sex. It's not ok to say we won't have sex with them because they don't do this or that or treat us the way we want, unless it's ok for them to say it's ok to cheat because they didn't like this or that or treat then the way they wanted.


Posts: 510 | Registered: Aug 2009
gypsybird87
Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, June 18th (Wednesday)

You were not a bad wife. But he was a bad husband.

People have different levels of sex drive and those may change (to more or less) over time. In a healthy marriage, this shouldn't pose a problem because the couple should be able to talk about it and compromise so that both are comfortable. Ie- no one feels neglected, and certainly no one should feel like sex is a "duty". Yuck. Is there a more un-sexy word than the word "duty"?

Just a side note... my XWH and I were having sex nightly, including on days I now know he had slept with her. He was getting plenty of attention from me, including oral etc. He cheated anyway.

So I don't believe the quantity of sex or lack of sex has anything to do with cheating. It has to do with lack of character in the WS. And that is not something you can give them, no matter how much sex you supply.


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin


Posts: 933 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, June 18th (Wednesday)

It is not ok to say that we expect fidelity but they shouldn't expect sex. It's not ok to say we won't have sex with them because they don't do this or that or treat us the way we want, unless it's ok for them to say it's ok to cheat because they didn't like this or that or treat then the way they wanted.

I expect my husband to be faithful whether or not we're having sex. I expect my husband to work with me towards a solution and/or divorce me if we can't work it out. Not cheat.

Cheating is another tool in the overall issue of emotional abuse. I should have divorced him for the emotional abuse but I waited for cheating form do emotional abuse instead.

No/low sex is not the same as cheating. It doesn't justify cheating. It does justify divorce.

The correct comparison is:

It's not ok to say we will cheat on them because they don't do this or that or treat us the way we want, unless it's ok for them to say it's ok to cheat because they didn't like this or that or treat then the way they wanted.

Affairs are not about sex.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5618 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, June 18th (Wednesday)

I hope it is okay to ask a question here....
If I expect my husband be faithful, and I do. He should expect that he will get regular sex. And vice versa.
That kind of scares me. So do you feel that if your partner treats you horribly throughout the day, you should still have sex with him/her when they want it, otherwise you can't expect them to be faithful? I'm trying to understand....


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15298 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
hummingbird8
Member
Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, June 18th (Wednesday)

Withholding sex could also be seen as emotional abuse.

If my husband treated me horribly during the day I would not still have sex with him. However many people who cheat say the person they cheated on treated them horribly also.

I think it's a bit about perception. I believe that it's naive to think if you are not having sex with your spouse that they won't cheat. I may be way off base but I'm sure statistics will back that up. Does that make it ok to cheat? No. But it's not ok to deny your spouse a sex life either. Saying I don't want you but I don't want anyone else to have you. They have needs.

Everyone jumps to the well they should just divorce then. True. However for most men they lose money and time with their children. Get run into the ground in some instances because they left. So they are damned if they do, damned if they don't.

I may have the need to feel protected and safe financially. My husband may have the need for regular sex. It's not fair for me to expect him to meet my need for him to go to work and help out financially then just say sorry I will not have sex with you. It's about compromising and making sure both people get their needs met.

[This message edited by hummingbird8 at 11:04 PM, June 18th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 510 | Registered: Aug 2009
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 2:57 AM, June 19th (Thursday)

Withholding sex could also be seen as emotional abuse
.Thanks for explaining that. I do agree in some cases...if your partner is reasonably decent to you then sometimes, you may not be in the mood but you should make the effort.

My WS withheld sex. It was emotionally abusive. He withheld it from me with the excuse he had a hernia and it hurt, but he was having it with escorts and dating site partners. It did not make me seek out an affair though. I tried working on it with him and then seeing that he was not being truthful, I dumped him.

There is usually a reason that one partner is not wanting sex with the other. If the partners can discuss this in a reasonable manner and work towards a solution, then the relationship will flourish. If one or both partners are unwilling to be truthful, discuss the issue, or work towards a solution, then usually the relationship is heading towards the end.....


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15298 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Ready_to_run
Member
Member # 20954
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, June 19th (Thursday)

It is not ok to say that we expect fidelity but they shouldn't expect sex. It's not ok to say we won't have sex with them because they don't do this or that or treat us the way we want, unless it's ok for them to say it's ok to cheat because they didn't like this or that or treat then the way they wanted.

Amen to this! Sex should be a loving act between two people not used as a reward or withheld out of punishment.


BH
Divorced


Posts: 750 | Registered: Sep 2008
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, June 19th (Thursday)

It is not ok to say that we expect fidelity but they shouldn't expect sex. It's not ok to say we won't have sex with them because they don't do this or that or treat us the way we want, unless it's ok for them to say it's ok to cheat because they didn't like this or that or treat then the way they wanted.

The thing is, we should expect both fidelity AND kindness.

A lack of kindness, a lack of thoughtfulness, in the wayward partner is part of the big picture. They are thinking only about their own needs, in when and how they expect sex from their partner and also in what they do to betray their partner.

I am another who had a great sex life with my ex. We were pretty early in our relationship. I was so, so giving and game. It did not matter.

And I would not have been up for sex as much as I was if he was taking me for granted, too. People need to be given consideration and feel they are loved nad cared for to want to be intimate.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
seethelight
Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, June 19th (Thursday)

Obviously the fact that he felt that he had to be nice and it wasn't coming from a genuine place is messed up. He used to complain that he wanted to have sex every night but I wouldn't feel like it. After he got home from work he was not very nice to me. Conversations were strained...He definitely acted like a dickhead and was not the nice guy I married.

No you were not obligated to have sex on demand.

Your husband had a responsibility to woo you, if he wanted sex.

He did not. Instead he demanded it.

You husband did not have brains enough to romance his own wife.

What a dickhead.


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1441 | Registered: May 2014
wildbananas
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Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, June 19th (Thursday)

I've been thinking on this one for a couple days, how ex-asshat saw sex. There were times he wanted it all the time, regardless of how he treated me. There were times he flat-out cut me off and told me it "wasn't right" to have sex with me when things were so bad between us (and when he was spending time with whatever OW was currently on the scene. Nice to know he felt bad if he wasn't faithful to her ). And there were times where he'd tell me things like any guy could look at me and know I'd be the best lay of his life. I think he meant it as a compliment but I can't imagine how. Reading over journal for this time, more than once, I wrote he made me feel like nothing more than a whore... and it's absolutely true.

Looking back, I can't believe what a dick he was and how I just meekly took it in order to keep him. I could have come out of that with a really bad attitude about sex but luckily, it gave me clarity on what I can accept and not accept and I think I have a pretty healthy attitude toward it.

SO treats me like gold and because of that... well, things are just fine in the bedroom department. If he was horrible to me? I definitely wouldn't be interested in any sort of reindeer games. And there's a difference between withholding to be abusive and not feeling it because your partner doesn't respect you.

Ergo... I wouldn't call it a duty but I do think it's something sacred in a relationship. I think it's rare a couple is ever completely in sync in the bedroom 100% of the time but however they work together to address it (and everyone feels like they're being heard, respected and are good with the outcome), it's all good.

So no... what gypsybird said. You were not a bad wife. He was a bad husband. And your "friend" is a jerk.

[This message edited by wildbananas at 3:51 PM, June 19th (Thursday)]


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15417 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
Crescita
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Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, June 19th (Thursday)

My opinion? If I expect my husband be faithful, and I do. He should expect that he will get regular sex. And vice versa.
It is not ok to say that we expect fidelity but they shouldn't expect sex. It's not ok to say we won't have sex with them because they don't do this or that or treat us the way we want, unless it's ok for them to say it's ok to cheat because they didn't like this or that or treat then the way they wanted.

I don't think these things are on the same scale at all. You are faithful or you aren't. You can't unring that bell. Who is to determine what is regular, or adequate or withholding? What happens when a soldier is deployed, a woman has a traumatic childbirth, or a husband has extenuating medical issues? What if your father passes away and you go home for three months to help your elderly mother? If those people can go months or years without sex, how can some people not go 1 WEEK?

Intimacy is fluid, ever changing, there is an ebb and flow. You have to adapt and communicate when there are issues, but it can certainly be suspended and restored if it is something you value.


“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3466 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
hummingbird8
Member
Member # 25086
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, June 19th (Thursday)

Of course there are always those circumstances. I as an ex military wife know that and I didn't cheat.

I am talking about the more common, not wanting sex. The experiences I have are through some of my friends. My closest friend her husband complains and they fight all the time about her not wanting sex or giving him affection. I don't think her husband has cheated yet, but I do think he probably will. It's something he has talked to her about many many times over the years and her stance is I'm not in the mood, too bad for him.

I don't think that is fair to him. If she was trying it would be one thing but to just say I'm not in the mood every time. If he said he wasn't in the mood to go to work everyday,she would be having a fit. But because it's not something she cares about, she doesn't care.


Posts: 510 | Registered: Aug 2009
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, June 19th (Thursday)

^^absolute grounds for him to divorce her. Not to cheat. There are never any grounds to cheat.

I'm kind of surprised that anyone but an unremorseful wayward would believe there are ever any grounds to cheat.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5618 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Ms_Strong
Member
Member # 30883
Default  Posted: 3:12 AM, July 1st (Tuesday)

Thanks to everyone who posted a reply. I've read through all of the posts and it's obvious that it's a really tangled issue. I had to take some time to think before replying because it's true that having that conversation with the horrible "friend" did make me feel at fault for the cause of my XH's affairs, and to doubt myself in my present relationship from her words…it took me a while to feel like Ms Strong again.
Withholding sex could also be seen as emotional abuse
1) I don't think I withheld sex as a punishment. It was more that I really felt bullied into it. Never forced to physically, but emotionally.
No you were not obligated to have sex on demand.
Your husband had a responsibility to woo you, if he wanted sex.
He did not. Instead he demanded it.
You husband did not have brains enough to romance his own wife.
What a dickhead. - seethelight

One memory the word "woo" brings up is a memory of when we were married, we talked about why we were having date nights and I said I wanted to feel the romance, to be wooed…and he laughed horribly, said how dare I expect that from him, I was an entitled princess and he doesn't have to woo me. Maybe I should have worded it as "wooing each other" but still, his reaction was a bit overboard. I really shut out THAT huge red flag.
It's funny because after years of being told I was "cold", my SO (the younger man, ahem) says how much he likes our sex life! And I know that's because we are in a healthy, happy relationship. I never feel obligated.
Thank you to all of you for your perspectives.


Me: 40, happily divorced Dec11
D-Day #1 - 9th Jan 11, D-Day #2 - 13th Jan 11
Kids - 4, 8 yrs

Posts: 269 | Registered: Jan 2011
wonderpets
Member
Member # 35901
Default  Posted: 3:26 AM, July 1st (Tuesday)

Great topic. XWW withheld sex, which made me not respond to her needs. Which made her withhold sex. On top of that, she was very temperamental, so everything made her upset. Still, I never cheated.

With my current wife, I made it clear that I need sex daily. She almost never withholds, and therefore every single day, whenever she asks me to do something, I remember how kind and wonderful my wife is, and I do what makes her happy.

Not only does she provide sex, but does so enthusiastically, even if she isn't feeling it. She says she loves the closeness regardless.

I digress. I am a very happy man who loves his wife. My eyes wander far less now than they used to. Not trying to match or satisfy your partner's sex drive will lead to big problems IMO.

[This message edited by wonderpets at 3:31 AM, July 1st (Tuesday)]


Posts: 204 | Registered: Jun 2012
wonderpets
Member
Member # 35901
Default  Posted: 3:26 AM, July 1st (Tuesday)

Double post.

[This message edited by wonderpets at 3:27 AM, July 1st (Tuesday)]


Posts: 204 | Registered: Jun 2012
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 5:23 AM, July 2nd (Wednesday)

My XWH and I were constantly having sex. It never stopped. He had an affair anyway. However, after D-Day, I heard that he was telling people that we never had sex. I guess they have to justify it however he can.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3427 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Topic Posts: 37