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User Topic: Really, can't a girl get a break?
SoSorry17
Member
Member # 43415
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, June 20th (Friday)

So yesterday BH and I have huge blow out. He misunderstood something and was irate. He said some awful things to me. While the start of the argument was a misunderstanding, his statements about my past behavior was spot on. I froze, I couldn't even attempt to talk him through it. I know he explained the argument, he told me he would and even posted an apology. Which he didn't need to do.

So today I get a call from the county jail. AP is being released today. Then the DA's office calls to tell me he is getting sentenced next month. I look out my window and BH is loading up his truck. Then I get a call from him, saying we need to talk and is dinner tonight alright?

I've got a bad feeling the shit has hit the fan. I don't think he is sleeping and he is always running and working out. It is like he is a robot or something. He still sees the kids every day and he must be doing something right there, because the kids are very happy right now.

I've tried to just be helpful to him. I've offered to do his laundry since there isn't a washer or dryer in the barn. I've made him meals to take to work. He just says no thanks and he is fine.

He isn't fine! He's falling apart right in front of me and I want to help him. He doesn't want my help and I think he has stopped IC. I'm worried about him.


BH-SWAT70 Me-39
Three kids 11,6 and 3
He did file for divorce, the marriage will be ended 10/23/14.

Posts: 241 | Registered: May 2014
nekonamida
Member
Member # 42956
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, June 20th (Friday)

Which he didn't need to do.

First, I'm really glad you said this. I personally think he should have brought that up to you privately. I think it's very positive that you acknowledge it as something you didn't need for him to do.


He's falling apart right in front of me and I want to help him. He doesn't want my help and I think he has stopped IC. I'm worried about him.

You see your husband rejecting you offering him the perks of a home-making wife. I see a man who is doing his own laundry, making his own meals, and holding down a good job all while he's going through hell in his personal life. He IS NOT falling apart. If he was, he would not be functioning. He did his laundry and made his own meals just fine in the past. Ask yourself, are you actually worried about him functioning? Running and working out is GOOD for you and it's therapeutic for people who are going through trauma. He's doing well at his job and took it upon himself to get a less stressful position to help him. The kids are HAPPY with their time with him and you know they didn't take the news of D well. He's not just functioning, he's doing EXCEPTIONAL! Most people are not functioning as well as he is this close to DDay. He's getting all sorts of support and pats on the back for it here.

It's so clear to someone else that it's not about him not functioning. He IS functioning in every aspect but he's no longer functioning as your husband. He's no longer relying on you to help him along. Have you thought it's his success in functioning that's scaring you?


Posts: 102 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
outtamymind
Member
Member # 33607
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, June 20th (Friday)

Hi SS,

I've been following your story and have been reluctant to post because I'm not the best at giving advice.

But, I felt obliged to post because you seem way too wrapped up in what SWAT is going to do or say. You can't control the outcome of anything that is happening. I know we...and I say we because I do the same thing...want to try to manipulate the outcomes of things to our advantage, and you're doing it now.

I'm sure others will come along and tell you something similar, but it sounds like you're so concerned about what's going to happen and how much it's going to hurt, that you'll do anything within your power to soften the blow or to make everyone "happy"...for lack of a better word.

You say he isn't fine, but he says he is. You need to let him be the judge of that.

He's angry, and has every right to be. His anger isn't going to go away soon.

You need to let go of the outcome. You need to stop worrying about him. He's a big boy and can take care of himself.

In my opinion, I think you need to worry about you and stop trying to "win him back".


Me: FWS 45

Divorced


Posts: 323 | Registered: Oct 2011
caspers1wish
Member
Member # 28720
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, June 20th (Friday)

What outtamymind says, times 10. Let go. Stop trying to still be his wife. I know it's hard to not want to help when we see someone we love in pain, but he's really fine. You, my dear, are not, and that is not said with any harshness, but I can imagine it stings. You're doing fine, stop focusing on him, focus on you.


Me - FWW (35)
Him - BH (34)
Kids - Ages 6, 8, 10
Married 13 years, together 18 years.
Last D-Day - November 2008

Posts: 778 | Registered: Jun 2010
SoSorry17
Member
Member # 43415
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, June 20th (Friday)

I understand what your saying and I would agree with you 100%. But I've been looking at him everyday and I've known him for 30 years. He looks sick, he has lost way to much weight and none if his clothes fit. He always looks so pale. As far as I can tell he isn't talking to anyone he is close to about this. Even the way he expressed his anger is different.

I'm worried about his health. He isn't taking care of himself right and it is starting to show. He filed for divorce, I get that. I can't change his mind and I've accepted the marriage is coming to an end. I'm working on me but I want him around for the kids.


BH-SWAT70 Me-39
Three kids 11,6 and 3
He did file for divorce, the marriage will be ended 10/23/14.

Posts: 241 | Registered: May 2014
raven3321
New Member
Member # 43647
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, June 20th (Friday)

Hey SS17,

Yay! I was wondering when you would post without a stop sign. I have some things I've wanted to say to you.

First of all don't panic. I'm a guy who's been betrayed before. He's simply processing everything that's going on and trying to disengage from you. That's normal. He's going through the stages of grief....sadness, pain, anger, etc. So don't panic. You must be patient as he works through his feelings. Remember, even in the best of scenarios, it takes between 2 and 5 years to get over an affair. You have a ways yet to go.

The fact that he wants to date you and talk is VERY reassuring. I think even though the divorce will probably go through, you'll still make it as a couple eventually. He's simply divorcing because he feels the need for justice and that's OK. It's obvious to anyone that he loves you. Remember that the next time he gets angry. The reason he's angry and hurt is he loves you. If he didn't, it wouldn't matter. I also want to point out that typically, the anger gets worse...especially in the 2nd year after Dday. That's also quite normal. Don't fret. This will pass.

Now on to a few thoughts and ideas I've had. First of all, be patient with his questions. He's going to ask the same questions over and over and over again. Again, quite normal. He wants to know if your story changes or if there's anything else. Don't lose faith or become impatient. Just answer them truthfully. Don't try to push him to reconcile if and when you see an improvement. Timing is everything.

Finally, just a suggestion. If it's already been made by someone else, I apologize. Why don't you start another journal. This time about Swat. Write down all your thoughts and fantasies just like before but instead of your OM, put Swat in his place. I know you feel all lovey dovey about Swat now that stuff has blown up. But guys want and need to be desired sexually just like women do. Write down what you would like Swat to do to and for you. DO NOT SHOW HIM the journal. For one thing, it's way too early in the process. Also, you want him to "find" it. He will eventually. I don't want to get too graphic, but one of the really hurtful things to betrayed men is the wife sometimes does things with the OM that she didn't do with him. You've already stated this was the case with the OM. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what that was. However, men are territorial and don't like when other men play in our yard. We generally want to take back our territory if you know what I mean. This is going to be in the back of his mind for some time to come. It's up to you, but I would let him know that you are completely and utterly his......all of you. And if he would be so kind as to take back what's his. You can either tell him now or put in in the journal. He most likely won't but it will take away part of the hurt in him that another man has had a part of you he hasn't.

I've been praying for you and Swat for days now and I feel you guys are going to be fine. God isn't made at you by the way. He loves you just the way you are. We're all rooting for you SS17. Take care.


Posts: 6 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: raven3321
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, June 20th (Friday)

SS17, everything you describe that he is doing is *completely* normal. His process will be different from what you think should be normal. Back off. Respect his process.

My husband changed after Dday. Lost a ton of weight. I saw the wrinkles in his brow. I saw the stress weigh on his shoulders. The exhaustion in his eyes. Nothing I could do would change that. Accept that this is how he is handling it. Not your choice. And you cant undo this. This is part of the process.

As far as journalling about Swat for him to find later? That totally feels like manipulation to me. There are other ways for her to make Swat feel loved without the journal bit. And what happens if she does journal and he finds it. Can you say massive trigger anyone??? JMHO.

God isn't made at you by the way. He loves you just the way you are.
*sigh* Doesn't absolve their wrong doing. David was a man after God's own heart. Dude still faced consequences. SS17, dunno if religion is your thing, if it is, take care you don't use it as a blanket for your wrongdoing. "Ohhhh Jesus forgave me and its all under the bloodddd" True. But like David, we still have to make amends and fix the mess we create. Religion doesn't erase it and should not be used as an excuse. Again, JMHO


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6314 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Losconang15
Member
Member # 42544
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, June 20th (Friday)

Hm, I've been reading and keeping up with your story. As a BS, I have to say that you need to let him be. He might not be that "swat" that you always knew and loved, this swat had his world torn apart, crumbled and set on fire. He's doing the best he can right now to make HIM function. He might be losing weight, might not be sleeping, but really he's trying to just stay on survival mode. I don't think a WS can ever fully comprehend the devastation a BS feels. It's debilating at times and it's exhausting. Add kids to the mix and it's so much harder then just dealing with betrayal and unconditional love. It's hard and somehow we are forced to dig DEEP within ourselves and function. His work outs and running, is clearly a way to keep distracted. He needs to be sane and functional for the sake of the kids and himself. Though as a parent, it's more about the kids then yourself. He's trying to detach himself and probably needs to get more space from you. It's clear that he still loves you but really, what more can he do to stay grounded and clear minded if he sees you everyday. As a bs sometimes you just need the space and not the constant reminder. I'm sure by now you have learned about triggers and how that's so hard for a BS to handle. You SS17 are most likely one of his triggers. He's learning how to cope and from what I understand about your latest argument, it was enough trigger to set him off. There are always so many thoughts going thru our minds that with the perfect ingredients, you got yourself a perfect storm. Hence last night. I'm a couple of months after dd myself and I find myself more times to count, being 1 step away from blowing up on WH as well. But I've learned to better handle the moment. But it's really hard. So while it sucked to be on your end of the words, it was probably a "black out" moment for him. What you probably witnessed last night was just him projecting what runs thru his head. It's not something we are proud off but it is what it is and with time we learn to cope better with it.

The dinners and conversations are a good sign. He is still wanting you around. And even though there's a D going thru, I think, as sucky as it is, that it's actually a good idea for you and swat. The way I see it, ending this marriage can be helpful to help you and swat start anew. Just because you two divorce doesn't mean that you can't be together. Keep working on yourself and maybe if the right progress is made, you can start a new stronger, honest, fully emotional opened marriage. I wish you both the best either way.


Together - 14 years
Married - 7 years
DDay- Jan 15, 2014. WH had EA/PA

Hopeful reconciliation.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Feb 2014
SoSorry17
Member
Member # 43415
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, June 20th (Friday)

Aubrie, I agree with you about the journal. Not happening. The changes you described he went through before. I get he needs to deal with this in his own way.

I can't help but think this is different. I'm just getting a very bad vibe from this whole thing.


BH-SWAT70 Me-39
Three kids 11,6 and 3
He did file for divorce, the marriage will be ended 10/23/14.

Posts: 241 | Registered: May 2014
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, June 20th (Friday)


I can't help but think this is different. I'm just getting a very bad vibe from this whole thing.
And if it is??? You still can't do anything about it. Let go of the want to control and micromanage. I'm channeling my inner Disney. "Let it goooooooo, let it gooooooo!" Seriously. Focus on what you *can* control. Your path. Your healing.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6314 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, June 20th (Friday)

Normally I would agree with you all (I haven't read all the posts) and stay out of this, but I happen to agree with SoSorry here. I'm also in the worried about SWAT camp. This is bigger than SS. I don't think he's thinking clearly. I personally do not think he's in a good head space at the moment. I know I'm not the only one that thinks so.

ETA - That doesn't mean we need to panic or be dramatic about it. I think SWAT needs some support is all.

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 3:07 PM, June 20th (Friday)]


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2201 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
outtamymind
Member
Member # 33607
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, June 20th (Friday)

It's one thing to be worried and another to want to step in and manipulate or control the outcome. SWAT has family members and a whole police force to lean on.

SS's overtures reek of manipulation and desperation. SWAT probably recognizes this too. He is probably suspicious of SS's "sudden" need to make sure he's ok.


Me: FWS 45

Divorced


Posts: 323 | Registered: Oct 2011
nekonamida
Member
Member # 42956
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, June 20th (Friday)

I agree with you that he's not in a good head space, YoP. That is clear but what he's experiencing isn't abnormal. Drinking his nights away, looking dirty and disheveled, acting inattentive with the kids, blowing off work or putting everything in to work as a distraction - these are things someone who isn't functioning do and signs of depression. SWAT is doing none of these things. He's losing weight like all other BS but he's taking care of his body, translating his anger in to something more healthy like running and exercise, and working on himself. The IC wasn't doing it for him and he should try to find another IC but it's okay to drop an IC for not doing it for you. In fact, it's healthy. Understandably, he needs to get away for a little while. He's working on himself and he's not suicidal. He'll be fine. He needs our support that he's making the healthiest choices for himself right now. We advocate for survival and healing after all.

Posts: 102 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
Sal1995
Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, June 20th (Friday)

He looks sick, he has lost way to much weight and none if his clothes fit.

This happened to my WW and me after D Day. Perfectly normal.

Really, can't a girl get a break?

You never know what life is going to give you, and really bad luck does find us from time-to-time. But I think for the most part we make our own breaks, good and bad.

Just from what I've read on here it sounds like life has given you some wonderful breaks recently. I'm sure you see how many of your "bad breaks" are actually just really bad choices that have predictable consequences.

Best wishes for you and your family's continued healing.


Me (BS)-45, WW-43
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1456 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, June 20th (Friday)

Thank you nekonamida. Backing off


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2201 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
saturnpatrick
Member
Member # 35989
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, June 20th (Friday)

Hi SoSorry. As a BH I think swat is doing fine. I wish I did half as well as he is doing now. Personally I lost a ton of sleep, weight, and nearly lost my job. He's a BH hero right now. So I think you really don't have a reason to worry.

Now, back to you. I have a new why for you...

I've tried to just be helpful to him. I've offered to do his laundry since there isn't a washer or dryer in the barn. I've made him meals to take to work. He just says no thanks and he is fine.

He said he doesn't want your help. Since he doesn't want your help, why are you so eager to give it?


BH
I typo therefore I edit.

Posts: 196 | Registered: Jun 2012
WalkinOnEggshelz
Member
Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, June 20th (Friday)

I've got a bad feeling the shit has hit the fan.

Can you clarify what you really mean by this? You said it directly after talking about him loading up his truck. Them you veered from the original topic discussing his health.

Then you go back to saying this

I can't help but think this is different. I'm just getting a very bad vibe from this whole thing.

What exactly are you talking about? I can't help but feel this is a little cryptic. That maybe you discussing his health is secondary to some other message you trying to get across.


Me: WS 42
Him: BH 43(HoldingTogether)
M: 18years, together 22
2 Daughters: 13 and 10
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 736 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, June 20th (Friday)

So today I get a call from the county jail. AP is being released today. Then the DA's office calls to tell me he is getting sentenced next month.
Does SWAT know all this?


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25765 | Registered: Aug 2011
Mrs Panda
Member
Member # 27303
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, June 20th (Friday)

I have never written on your threads before. But I have followed your story and Your Bh.

When I was a cheater, I was a selfish bytch. When I was in R, I was as well.

I don't think you need to apologize for wanting R. For wanting to beg your BH for R. I am not sure that detaching and giving him space is right or not. All I can speak of is my personal experience. I smothered my BH with desperation and hope. I followed him around when he ran off to be angry. I begged him on my knees to stay. I remember running at full tilt after him when he left to drive around town drunk. Bad stuff.
I am not proud of those moments. On the other hand, if I had just turned away, I am not sure we would be together. I think at least for my BH, he needed to see that visceral, lowest-of-the low, sickness in me.

And then he needed to see I could recover.

I guess my point is... Do not be afraid to speak your mind and to put your heart on the line. Right now he may feel like you don't love him. I know words are cheap. But thy are something .


Me-41 FWW Him-45BH
M 13years. Reconciled.
DDay#1 Nov 2008 (OM2)
DDay#2 Aug 2009 (Confessed to OM 2001)
"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand." -Kurt Vonnegut

Posts: 1992 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: The SouthEast
SandAway
Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, June 20th (Friday)

I Know what your saying SS17 about SWAT's health. I saw the same thing. My BH lost 60 lbs in 5 months. As crazy as that sounds, it's true. He went from a size 36 to 30. He was way to thin. He was in shock and his adrenaline was pumping 24/7. That went on for almost 2 years.

It will slow down and he will gain some of that weight back. SWAT will be fine.

Great advise here SS17. Believe in the words and let go of the outcome.


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 439 | Registered: Dec 2012
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 11:31 PM, June 20th (Friday)

To be honest I don't think it reeks of manipulation, i mean really if we want to get technical here just as a WS has no idea what a BS is feeling a BS has no idea what a remorseful WS feels. The desperation can completely take over and behaviors can seem so selfish because all we want is to somehow save what we destroyed. Is it a bit paradoxical? Yes it is yet that's the truth. Like Mrs. Panda I smothered. He left the bed I went after him, I brought up everything I could remember anytime I had a memory, I was his own personal sex machine on call whenever, I made cakes and cookies and his favorite meals, and I cleaned all the time. None of this was driven by maipulation it was complete desperation...I didn't want to lose him. Then I completely broke when I realized it all was never going to get me and him together again if he was done then he was done and i had to heal too and I finally let go.

When I let go we connected more and talked in ways we weren't able to before. We ended up broken up for other factors. Sosorry I understand the desperation but its not your help he wants. He must be able to be okay solo because you destroyed the team so he has to relearn how to live life as a single entity, that's healthy. He will stumble and go down and get up and walk again because he wants to survive this. Allow him to heal and be okay. Others see what he looks like as well if he needs help he has people to reach to. Work on you.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2762 | Registered: Oct 2012
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, June 21st (Saturday)

I find the subject line of the post very interesting. With absolutely no snark--truly, with genuine kindness--I would suggest that you look at it carefully, then try to place it within the context of the contents of your first post. How does it fit? A ask, because faulty thought patterns (of which I had so many I had to rent storage space, so please don't think I'm being judgmental) really demand close examination, acknowledgment, and concrete tactics to change.

I'm not suggesting this is work you should have done already. This is early days. Nor am I suggesting that you should know, intuitively, how to do it. I am simply suggesting that you think about what this is really about, and then--with competent counsel--find ways to retool your thinking, when you're ready.

[This message edited by solus sto at 5:17 PM, June 22nd (Sunday)]


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8849 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
SoSorry17
Member
Member # 43415
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, June 21st (Saturday)

To those of you that have supported Swat and I and to those of you the care. This is what happened yesterday.

We meet and were having dinner and he was talking about us separating and what our expectations should be. He was talking about how depressed he was and how he just wished the whole mess would come to an end. He said he didn't have anything left to fight with. His depression had gotten worse and he didn't want to take any medications to fix it. He asked me if I thought the kids and I would be alright without him. He got really pale and started sweating. He said he had to leave and went into the parking lot. He collapsed in the parking lot and I called 911. He is currently in the cardiac care unit. His blood pressure and heart rate were so high they were surprised that he didn't have a stroke. The doctors said he had a "minor or mild" heart attack, but due to his excellent physical conditioning should make a complete recovery. They are concerned about his mental health though. One doctor said it seems he has given up the will to live.

I spent the night with him, but this morning he asked me to leave. He said he didn't want any visitors. He doesn't want to see the kids or my family.


BH-SWAT70 Me-39
Three kids 11,6 and 3
He did file for divorce, the marriage will be ended 10/23/14.

Posts: 241 | Registered: May 2014
Joanh
Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, June 21st (Saturday)

Ok that is very , very scary. I have sat with my BH when his bloodpressure has skyrocketed. Having anxiety attacks that have sent him to the hospital as well.

There is a point where the depression kicks in deep.

The thing is you can keep telling him you love him, and the kids love him. And you have to tell him, he is needed.

Problem is he may not hear, this is hard. They will call in a pyshc doctor that is almost guaranteed and if needed you need to tell the doctor what is going on.

A lot of BH as I have read have gone through this part , part of the process. And please don't take this as me being coldhearted analysis. SWAT may need meds and if he is anything like my BH, the ego the *man* part of him thinks drugs are usless and no good and I don't need the help.
Sorry to all the BH out there is this is too generalized. Sorry, its what I hear from mine.

Your BH sounds like he needs extra help.

Mine list 4 sizes in pants, I lost 3 sizes in 3 months. So the weight loss, heart palpitations, night sweats, night mares, high blood pressure, that is *normal* suicidal thoughts. = needs extra help. .

Talk to the doctors. He will probably be pissed cause you talked about it however, I think he needs help too.

Please let us know how he is doing, stay strong, SWAT needs you more now than ever, do not loose your direction. You need to be strong , he needs you to be strong.


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 437 | Registered: Apr 2013
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, June 21st (Saturday)

I assume he is conscious then. Is he able to function relatively normal? Movements, speech, etc.?


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6314 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
HobbesTheTiger
Member
Member # 41477
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, June 21st (Saturday)

I'm so sorry to hear what has happened!

How are you feeling? Is there anything we can do to help you at this moment?

I would agree with Joanh, it is in my opinion crucially important that you immediately tell the doctors at the hospital about the nature of the conversation and your fear of his suicidal thoughts. They need to know the seriousness of the situation, otherwise they might decide to let him get out of the hospital without the help he needs.

He might be upset with you, at least for a while, for saying that, and I don't know how it would affect his job, but whatever it is, the cost is worth it if he will get the help he needs. Even if it's in the form of being held in the hospital until antidepressants start working (and antidepressants have a dangerous starting/interim period of several weeks where they can increase the suicidal thoughts, so it's important to be observed during that time - at least from my experience in taking them).

So make sure he either stays in the hospital while he's starting the treatment of ADs, or that he stays with your family (if I recall correctly, he gets along well with his BIL) and they have him under 24/7 surveillance, and make sure the kids are around him as much as possible.

That's it for now, I hope others will give their thoughts soon. I really really hope you will take care of yourself as well in these tough times, he needs and your kids need you to be strong! And you deserve to take care of yourself, your physical and mental health is important as well!

Best wishes to all of you


BxBf, 26
Lots of FOO&other issues, working it through therapy
Legal profession

Posts: 242 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Continental Europe
SoSorry17
Member
Member # 43415
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, June 21st (Saturday)

Aubrie, Sluggish and in pain, but he is awake and talking.


BH-SWAT70 Me-39
Three kids 11,6 and 3
He did file for divorce, the marriage will be ended 10/23/14.

Posts: 241 | Registered: May 2014
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, June 21st (Saturday)

(((((Sosorry)))))

He needs a psych consult stat. Obviously you were 100% correct when you said he wasn't ok. He needs counseling and suicide watch. I know this is heart wrenching and terrifying for you.

I'm not sure if I can give good advice here but it doesn't sound like he can be relied upon to make healthy decisions for himself right this minute. Did you tell the doctors what he said to you? About wanting it all to come to an end and would you and the kids be alright without him? They need to know.

In your shoes I think I would fight for him. Not for the relationship at this point but for him. And encourage others that he loves to fight for him too. Make sure he knows that whether you are together are apart that you love him and will fight for him to find peace and happiness again in whatever way you can. Get him the help he needs. Tell the health care providers you are concerned he's suicidal.

He has been so strong throughout this whole mess. We've all been telling him how strong he is and what a BH rock star and hero he is. I worry the pressure to maintain that was too much for him to let himself fall apart and be weak when he needed to.

I'm so sorry. I'm praying for you both, as well as the kids and your family. There are so many of us behind you.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1499 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
SoSorry17
Member
Member # 43415
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, June 21st (Saturday)

The doctors are aware of what happened and said they would make sure he was evaluated.


BH-SWAT70 Me-39
Three kids 11,6 and 3
He did file for divorce, the marriage will be ended 10/23/14.

Posts: 241 | Registered: May 2014
SoSorry17
Member
Member # 43415
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, June 21st (Saturday)

I have advised the doctors of what happened and what he said. They assured me he would have a mental health evaluation. But the did say he has requested no visitors and that he said he doesn't want them talking about his treatment with me.


BH-SWAT70 Me-39
Three kids 11,6 and 3
He did file for divorce, the marriage will be ended 10/23/14.

Posts: 241 | Registered: May 2014
HobbesTheTiger
Member
Member # 41477
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, June 21st (Saturday)

How are you doing&feeling? What are you doing to:
1. keep your immune system going (maybe taking some extra vitamins,...?)?
2. give your body&mind an outlet for the anxiety (running, boxing, getting in the car with the doors closed and music playing and then screaming (i did that, very helpful)?
3. to gather support for yourself? Have you talked to your family? You need to activate your support structure...

What can we help with?


BxBf, 26
Lots of FOO&other issues, working it through therapy
Legal profession

Posts: 242 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Continental Europe
floridaredman
Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, June 21st (Saturday)

But the did say he has requested no visitors and that he said he doesn't want them talking about his treatment with me.

This is the depression talking.

One doctor said it seems he has given up the will to live.

He has given up. He is a protector for the most. He takes responsibility for not being able to protect his family from what has happened. Logically he knows its not his fault, his ego however can't accept that. He is facing the same scenario of his parents and his childhood.


He is trying to push you and the family away. He doesn't want a reason to live

Don't let him.

He loves you, he's said it and shown it many times. He needs you to prove you love him or he will give up.

Even though he is trying to push you away...what he really needs is you to prove you want to stay.

No matter what..don't give up...he really needs you now


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2537 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
nekonamida
Member
Member # 42956
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, June 21st (Saturday)

The best thing you can do for him is respect his wishes. If he's suicidal, he's currently in the hospital with trained professionals watching him and will be getting the help he needs. Until he's ready to come to you about it, respect his no visitation wishes and support him from the sidelines. When someone you love tells you what they need from you, listen. He is in as safe of a place as he can be even if he is suicidal.

Posts: 102 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
HobbesTheTiger
Member
Member # 41477
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, June 21st (Saturday)

Ask the doctors/psychs what they recommend in this type of sitautions.

Maybe it would be beneficial if the children drew pictures, made letters, made videos for daddy that the doctors could give to him?

Maybe you could write letters for him along with that, or maybe your family members. Just to let him know how much all of you love him and cherish him?

Maybe the kids could select a stuffed toy/action figure to give to him so that they could "watch out for him (SWAT)"?

And then he can decide if/when to read/view them or not.

I don't know, I'm just throwing out ideas of how important people can be "there" with him without physicallly being present.


BxBf, 26
Lots of FOO&other issues, working it through therapy
Legal profession

Posts: 242 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Continental Europe
saturnpatrick
Member
Member # 35989
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, June 21st (Saturday)

Wow. I am sorry I didn't get the seriousness in your earlier posts. Obviously he was not ok.

I am speechless. Up until now you and swat's situation was much like mine so I could speak from experience. Now all I can do is wish you luck.

Our thoughts are with you and swat.


BH
I typo therefore I edit.

Posts: 196 | Registered: Jun 2012
StillStanding1
Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, June 21st (Saturday)

Hobbes took the words out of my mouth. I agree 100%.

Many of us have been quietly cheering you on, but today I am letting you know I am sending you both strength, good wishes, and prayers.

Please let him know he is loved and needed. Find a way.


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 715 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
caspers1wish
Member
Member # 28720
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, June 21st (Saturday)

No words except prayers and positive thoughts to you both. Now's the time for you to be the strong one for the both of you and I know you can do it. Big hugs. Please keep posting on how you are doing and the status of your mental health.

(((SoSorry17)))


Me - FWW (35)
Him - BH (34)
Kids - Ages 6, 8, 10
Married 13 years, together 18 years.
Last D-Day - November 2008

Posts: 778 | Registered: Jun 2010
SoSorry17
Member
Member # 43415
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, June 21st (Saturday)

Well I just got some good news. My mom and SIL apparently just barged in to visit and he allowed it. He refused to talk to my brother and asked that he and my dad not visit, so they left. Mom called me and said that he just saw a cardiologist and she said his heart seems to be fine, but she wants to run some more tests. She said his ECG from yesterday indicated a likely heart attack but his blood work didn't show any enzymes. I have no idea what any of that means. They are still concerned because his blood pressure is still very high and so is his heart rate. But it is better than yesterday. My mom said he asked when he could leave because he didn't want to stay. The doctor said he could leave after some more test were done but that would take at least two days.

The kids are upset because they haven't seen him. I explained he was sick and had to go to the hospital but they want to go see him. Middle boy has his doctor kit and wants to go make him better. Our daughter has already made him a card and picked flowers. How do I tell them he doesn't want to see them right now, when I don't really even know why?


BH-SWAT70 Me-39
Three kids 11,6 and 3
He did file for divorce, the marriage will be ended 10/23/14.

Posts: 241 | Registered: May 2014
SoSorry17
Member
Member # 43415
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, June 21st (Saturday)

Thanks everyone I really appreciate your support. I'm upset and worried, but I'm doing ok.


BH-SWAT70 Me-39
Three kids 11,6 and 3
He did file for divorce, the marriage will be ended 10/23/14.

Posts: 241 | Registered: May 2014
StillStanding1
Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, June 21st (Saturday)

You don't. You tell the kids that the doctors won't allow it. Period. Don't give the kids anything additional to worry about. Take care of them. They need you. Let the doctors take care of SWAT. You take care of the kids.

(((((SS17, SWAT, and kids)))))


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 715 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, June 21st (Saturday)

Sosorry,

I'm keeping you,swat and your kids in my prayers.

K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5279 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Schadenfreude
Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, June 21st (Saturday)

SS 17. Is his behavior substantially different than the last time he was stuck in the hospital? He may be the type of guy who doesn't want to been seen as sick, weak, needing care, etc. that's why I'm asking.

From my understanding, enzymes confirm an actual heart attack. I think the enzyme is called CPK. You can probably Google that and get some basic information about what no CPK means. A good sign as I recall. But don't trust my limited and faulty medical knowledge. Doing a little research, like Wikipedia instead of bulshit holistic healing sites, will help you understand what the doctor is telling you.

He's is allowed to keep his medical information private, unfortunately.
So if you hear HIPAA regulations prevent blah blah blah, it's legit. Hospital staff's hands are tied. They can ask you for information, but can't disclose his information. Our medical professionals could explain it better than I can.

God bless all of you.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
StillStanding1
Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, June 21st (Saturday)

My last post seems to have gotten lost...

But I wanted to say: please just tell the kids that the doctors won't allow visits from them. Period. Don't tell them that their daddy doesn't want to see them. There's no way they can understand that without taking it personally.

Let the doctors take care of swat. You take care of you and your children. You need to do that for him too. And your kids really need you right now.

((((SS17, SWAT, and kids)))))

ETA: sorry... Now it shows up.... Very odd. Sorry to post same thing twice!

[This message edited by StillStanding1 at 2:01 PM, June 21st (Saturday)]


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 715 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
HobbesTheTiger
Member
Member # 41477
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, June 21st (Saturday)

You, your family & kids are so sweet and caring, I like that, it warms my heart.

1. Great that they barged in and showed him how all of you care.

2. Tell your kids that Daddy loves them, but that he needs to rest and that when he can, he will see them. This is not lying, because he needs to rest, and when he will be able (mentally), he will see them.

Tell them all to 1. each select one of their toys to keep daddy company and 2. each draw a picture/make a card (like your daughter did), and then have someone (like your mom) take them to the hospital. That way, they'll have a feeling that they helped their dad.

Tell your middle boy that it's great he wants to help and that daddy will be proud when he'll hear how he wanted to help, but that at the moment he should pray for daddy (is your family religious) and help him by praying, and the doctors at the hospital will help him by doing doctor stuff.

3. maybe have a sleep-over at your parents' house, make an event (movie night, game night,...) that will help them break the routine and perhaps for a while take their mind off their dad. And maybe your mind will be able to relax just a little bit, which would be great.

I'm glad to hear you're doing well, considering the circumstances! Sending you all best wishes!


BxBf, 26
Lots of FOO&other issues, working it through therapy
Legal profession

Posts: 242 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Continental Europe
Red Sox Nation
Member
Member # 26358
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, June 21st (Saturday)

Sad news... I hope he makes a full recovery.

Emotional stress is particularly difficult for a problem-solver like SWAT. This isn't a situation where anyone can follow a procedural manual and fix everything. He can build houses and arrest criminals and any number of pretty incredible feats.

But he can't process your affair and figure out a way to make it better.

I wish I had better advice. It must be torture for you to see this stress consume him and you're the last person he's going to turn to for help right now. He needs your support network more than ever, and his make-up - what makes him SWAT - keeps him from gaining benefit from it.

Forcing the issue, unfortunately, will make things worse. He has to be the one to turn to you. Yet every time he thinks about it, there are reminders of your affair. Responsibilities he can do well - like install cameras and keep track of the legal process. But those add stress.

Hang in there. Just live your life as a good person, take good care of the kids, learn from your mistakes as we all do. Be the person you want to be and he'll see that - and it will, slowly, give him the encouragement he needs to move forward positively.


When someone tells you who she is, listen; when someone shows you who she is, listen carefully.

Posts: 1896 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Midwest
SoSorry17
Member
Member # 43415
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, June 21st (Saturday)

Hobbes, thank you. Reading your ideas, it makes perfect sense. But my brain is a little frazzled and I'm not thinking clearly.

My dad and brother are here with me. They said he is mostly talking with SIL. They have always gotten along really well. They both have this we married into this crazy family thing going on.


BH-SWAT70 Me-39
Three kids 11,6 and 3
He did file for divorce, the marriage will be ended 10/23/14.

Posts: 241 | Registered: May 2014
Unagie
Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, June 21st (Saturday)

I am so sorry to hear this and am keeping you both in my thoughts.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2762 | Registered: Oct 2012
SoSorry17
Member
Member # 43415
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, June 21st (Saturday)

Schadenfreude, your right he doesn't like to be sick and he doesn't want to appear weak. The last time was a little different. He wasn't able to move and was immobilized at that time. But he wasn't the best patient either.


BH-SWAT70 Me-39
Three kids 11,6 and 3
He did file for divorce, the marriage will be ended 10/23/14.

Posts: 241 | Registered: May 2014
Schadenfreude
Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, June 21st (Saturday)

Then, maybe not wanting to have visitors isn't a total rejection of others. Small solace, I know, but you know what he was like last time.

Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
BrokenButTrying
Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, June 21st (Saturday)

SS, your gut was right. You know SWAT and you knew something was wrong. Keep listening to that gut of yours, I know it's telling you not to give up on SWAT. Don't. He needs you now so be there for him.

He has a strong, caring family around him and I know you guys will get him the help he needs.

How are you doing? I know it's a scary time but you've already made a great start on your coping mechanisms, find that inner strength of yours and support your kids.

I hope SWAT is out of hospital soon and can start making a recovery.

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 3:25 PM, June 21st (Saturday)]


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1253 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
JanetS
Member
Member # 2766
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, June 21st (Saturday)

This is bringing tears to my eyes.

Your strong protective husband needs help, but he's not familiar with needing help and asking for help. He let it all bottle up inside of him, and this current event is the result of that.

He won't see you right now, you've got to respect that, but I like the idea of writing letters (and maybe number the envelopes in case he takes a week or so to read...you might want them in chronological order). And send as much stuff as you can from the children. That's what his heart needs.

Once he does start talking to you you have to let him know that you want him to lean on you. He has protected you for years. Now he needs protecting. I think your roller coaster is firmly rolling, but this event is very serious. You're going to have to go deep down inside yourself and find the strength he needs. Be his rock until he is able to be strong again.

I'm so sorry for all of your family.

(just a thought....when he is released, if he is still in strong depression, I think that he may try to confront AP!!! This of course would be a big mistake. I don't know what you can do to guard against that, just be aware of this potential risk).

Hugs to you.

[This message edited by JanetS at 3:48 PM, June 21st (Saturday)]


Posts: 2594 | Registered: Nov 2003 | From: Niagara-on-the-Lake, Canada
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, June 21st (Saturday)

Cardiac enzymes are CK, CKMB, and troponin. Absence of cardiac enzymes in his blood indicate that there was no damage to his heart muscle but the doc is concerned because there were some changes noted on his ECG.

This all sounds very good. If he ever gets in a sharing mood you will want to know what his lipid panel looked like because he may need some diet changes and long term medications. He may be resistant to these interventions because of his personality type. Does he have a family history of heart disease, high blood pressure, or stroke?

ETA: CK, and CKMB could elevate due to lots of exercise or muscle wasting (not eating enough), or even dehydration.

[This message edited by knightsbff at 4:04 PM, June 21st (Saturday)]


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1499 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
k8la
Member
Member # 38408
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, June 21st (Saturday)

SS - I spent the day thinking about your situation and SWAT.

There is way too much pressure on SWAT to decide to stay or go. He's feeling so much pressure from within himself because he loves you and can't reconcile what's happened logically with staying married, but his heart wants to.

There are many voices agreeing with the logic side for him - that he should make the separation stronger so that his heart will get in sync with his head.

The stress for him is unbearable.

My WH wound up in the hospital due to stress - him trying to make amends to me for years of being unfaithful financially, and emotionally; while also being in an untenable employment situation at the same time, that part of his amends required that he stay employed. Add an evil creditor, an attorney who wasn't communicating with him, and the spiritual healing he needed to do and BAM! there came the chest pains!

SWAT moving away from you removes one level of stress that is hurting him. It's not you as much as being around you frequently triggers the inner conflict for him. But there are things you can do behind the scenes for him to ease his pain. Seeing you occasionally isn't the problem. It's the daily normal which doesn't jive with the ever present pain that's the problem. It's not a bad thing to have some distance.

Consider talking with the doctor about lifestyle supports that might help him recover physically from the emotional overload he's dealing with - think nutrition, sleep, physical rest, and proper exercise.

Being careful to make sure you are not seen out in front getting attention (part of your personal recovery), coordinate healthy meals prepared for him by a neutral chef, so that he doesn't experience this as you being "wifey", but you just being a friend. For example, your brother could take him something nutritionally healthy wrapped in an obvious restaurant box, so it doesn't come across as you having prepared something. A cooling pillow, or bedding that gives comfort but less familiarity would also probably help.

And consider getting him a gift of therapeutic massage - a more clinical therapist who isn't the "fluff and buff" kind but a male therapist who can deal with the emotional work that clinical massage therapy can provide. Do some research.

Become invisible, and powerful. This will take reconnecting with a strong spiritual foundation. Whatever you believe, immerse yourself in service and prayer and study, so that your quiet intuition on how to serve invisibly becomes empowered.


Posts: 163 | Registered: Feb 2013
SoSorry17
Member
Member # 43415
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, June 21st (Saturday)

knightsbff. His mother was diabetic and suffered a stroke when he was about 24. She had another stroke about ten years later and passed away. His dad had a heart condition and passed away several years ago, but I don't know a lot about his father or any other family. I want to thank you for your info, while it doesn't make sense to me. Your post made me feel better knowing it doesn't seem so bad.

Mom and SIL came over. They said he seems to be getting better physically. SIL pulled me aside and said she thinks he needs some help with getting therapy. She said she tried to convince him to talk to a psychiatrist, but he refused. She said she didn't push him because he was talking to them and not me or my brother and dad. She said she thinks he doesn't want them to see him like this. Swat loves and respect my dad and brother so much. I don't know if I ever mentioned this but SIL is a therapist for kids. I know Swat respects what she says. She said he actually argued with her about therapy, so she backed off. She said he maybe discharged as early as Monday, and when they left because was going to have a pysch evaluation.

I explained to the kids that he was sick and they couldn't see him right now because of that. They did make some cards and the boys have some toys to take to him, DD made him a bracelet. Middle boy is sending his "Real heroes" police officer and the youngest is sending his Captain America action figures. It humbles me because the kids understand him so well and they want to be just like him.

My family has been very supportive, but I can almost feel their disappointment in me. They haven't said anything but I can sense it.

Me, I'm sad, mad and disappointed in myself. I'm all sorts of messed up right now. I can't believe it has come to this and I'm angry I let this happen.


BH-SWAT70 Me-39
Three kids 11,6 and 3
He did file for divorce, the marriage will be ended 10/23/14.

Posts: 241 | Registered: May 2014
JanetS
Member
Member # 2766
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, June 21st (Saturday)

Me, I'm sad, mad and disappointed in myself. I'm all sorts of messed up right now. I can't believe it has come to this and I'm angry I let this happen.

Ya know, I can understand why you are feeling that way. Those feelings are very valid.

But, here's the thing......

(and you've heard this before) "this is not only about you and your feelings". No doubt you are flooded with emotions and feelings right now. It'd be impossible to NOT feel all of that. But your sad/mad/disappointed feelings have to come second to doing whatever you need to do for your children, for yourself and, at least for the foreseeable future, for SWAT (if he'll let you help). And even if SWAT says "no", you've got to be ready, at all times, in case he changes his mind and decides to accept help from you.

I cannot imagine how horrible this is for you right now. My heart goes out to you fully. You've been doing well on working on yourself, I applaud you for that. Whether it is easy or not you're going to have to rev it up a notch due to this emergency.

Your family is in my thoughts and prayers.

[This message edited by JanetS at 6:23 PM, June 21st (Saturday)]


Posts: 2594 | Registered: Nov 2003 | From: Niagara-on-the-Lake, Canada
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, June 21st (Saturday)

I'm so, so sorry to hear this.

I would caution you not to make the leap from physical illness to, "he needs a psych consult and suicide watch, stat!"

He has a physical illness. It may be related to stress. That he feels awful physically--while reeling from recent events--does not mean he is spiraling the drain. It means he needs to be right where he is.

I know how scary it is. Stbx has a long, terrifying cardiac history--so I really understand. If you need an ear or shoulder or medical interpreter, feel free to PM.

Send our love to SWAT. He'll be okay, truly. He's a strong, strong man.

ETA: love to you and the kids, too. Be sure to be kind to yourself and to eat, get enough fluid, and rest when you can.

[This message edited by solus sto at 7:04 PM, June 21st (Saturday)]


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8849 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, June 21st (Saturday)

SS - I'm so sorry this has happened. How terrifying that must have been. I'm truly just sad for all involved. It's heartbreaking.

I'm going to throw this out there - I'm not sure how relevant it is or isn't, but it may be possible:

The last time SWAT was in the hospital was when he was nearly killed, I assume, since you said he couldn't move, etc. Also, if memory serves. this was a milestone of some sort in the A. Is there a chance just being in the hospital is a big trigger for SWAT? If so, is there anything that can be done? By that, I mean making sure his room has a completely different view of the outside than his last room did? Or bringing in home blankets so it isn't exactly like the last hospital bed he was in?

It's just a thought, and I may be off on what happened A-wise during his last hospital stay, but if this is triggery for him, it could make his depression deepen.

I'm so glad you shared that he was talking with some of your family. Isolation and holding everything in isn't what SWAT needs, regardless of what he wants.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, June 21st (Saturday)

The best advice in this thread has been from floridaredman on page 2. I've said similar things before in your previous threads about SWAT's FOO situation. Go back and read floridaredman again.

From the yop family to yours, we are thinking of you. Sending you strength and courage. Hope you are all doing as well as can be under the circumstances.

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2201 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Gemini71
Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, June 21st (Saturday)

I'm a BW who ended up suicidal and in a psych hospital about three months after D-Day. You definitely need to respect his request for no visitors and don't pry too much into his health. As far as SWAT's concerned, you are no longer next of kin.

Luckily I had a support system outside of STBXH and his family. The LAST person I wanted help from was WH/STBXH or his family. My hospital stay was a wonderful break from reality, and hopefully SWAT's stay can be that for him as well. Even just a couple days relief can be very helpful.

I know SWAT doesn't have family, but does he have friends besides your brother? Friends that can help him out without being a constant reminder of his pain? I would try to recruit anyone that falls into that category to help him. Yes, he sounds like he needs a good psych consult and ADs, but you are not the person who can do this.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1866 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, June 21st (Saturday)

SoSorry, you and your kids are in my prayers. He can be a stubborn cuss can't he? A lot of us BH's *knew* we could *handle* the A. Hell, this is the 5th time a woman has betrayed me, easy, peasy right? I handled it so well that when I went in for oral surgery my BP was 240/130. I was given the choice of going directly to my GP or they would call an ambulance for me. BP meds and anti-anxiety/sleep aids were the prescription for the next 2 years. I'm off the anti anxiety, but the BP meds are likely to be for life. Swat needs to follow the Dr's prescriptions to the letter.

He loves you, he's as conflicted as a man can be right now. Your family is his family. A man he considered a friend and mentor is actively trying to destroy him. He's scared(and rightly so) to turn where he was once able to find support. Be there for him, as much as he will allow. Realize he's scared. You know him best, if he needs space(and there WILL be times he needs it), give it to him. If he allows it, show him FIERCE love and devotion. Show him that he's needed. His comments about the kids show that he's not feeling that right now.

Sending you as much strength and mojo as I can. You and Swat and your children are in my prayers.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2995 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
SoSorry17
Member
Member # 43415
Default  Posted: 6:01 AM, June 22nd (Sunday)

I again want to thank everyone for your support. It was a very rough night for the kids and I. They are troopers though. Cried a little and everyone snuggled on the bed until we fell asleep.

I woke up this morning and checked SI first thing. I've gotten several PM's but one really hit home. It is from a BH. I've read that message at least ten times. Others have eluded to it but this person spelled it out for me in very graphic terms and detail.

I "thought" that I really understood what Swat was going through. I understood pain, the lies, manipulation, confusion and anger. But after reading that over and over. I don't know shit. What I have done to my husband was probably beyond my comprehension. Men and women think differently. I knew words and actions have consequences. I thought I knew how Swat would react and would be able to deal with it. Having the issues that I do, I never understood something. My husband has been attacked, by me, AP, my family (in a sense) and several of his coworkers. I fired the first shot and I kept pulling the trigger again and again. When I was done AP started in. After he got done, I reloaded and went right back at it. Was it on purpose? Not a chance, but being reckless and scared doesn't condone what I had done during the affair and continued to do after it.

This probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense. I'm not even sure I understand it. But I know I'll never be able to make this right for Swat. So I will do what I can to help him and my kids heal. I'm stepping aside though. At this point what I want has no bearing on what must be done.

I'm still going to need a lot of help, so keep it coming please. Right about now I would be saying its a bad day for me, but honestly who cares. This was never about me.


BH-SWAT70 Me-39
Three kids 11,6 and 3
He did file for divorce, the marriage will be ended 10/23/14.

Posts: 241 | Registered: May 2014
splitintwo
Member
Member # 42951
Default  Posted: 6:29 AM, June 22nd (Sunday)

((((SS17)))) ((((SWAT))))

This whole situation breaks my heart.

I will stay away from advice because I have zero BTDT to offer. Just know I'm thinking of you. There is no right answer here. I'm glad you were there so that you could call the paramedics. And I totally hear you that you're willing to let him go, but you still want him to be around (as in alive & able to have a relationship, not necessarily living with you) for your kids.

Depression is a beast. I do hope he gets the help he needs.


BH: 42
WW: 37
LTA ended Jan. 1, 2014; NC started in April.
Married 17 years.
No DDay; this, like all of life's decisions, is a work in progress.

My best thinking brought me to SI.


Posts: 213 | Registered: Mar 2014
HobbesTheTiger
Member
Member # 41477
Default  Posted: 6:31 AM, June 22nd (Sunday)

I can't speak for the Reconciliaton aspect, but I'm worried about you.

Is there a chance you might be slipping into depression as well? Be on the look-out for that as well...


BxBf, 26
Lots of FOO&other issues, working it through therapy
Legal profession

Posts: 242 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Continental Europe
HobbesTheTiger
Member
Member # 41477
Default  Posted: 6:39 AM, June 22nd (Sunday)

Right about now I would be saying its a bad day for me, but honestly who cares. This was never about me.

We care. Really, us caring about SWAT doesn't mean we can't care about you as well. We do!

And this is about SWAT, you, your kids and everyone else. It's not just about SWAT. You all need and deserve our help and support.


BxBf, 26
Lots of FOO&other issues, working it through therapy
Legal profession

Posts: 242 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Continental Europe
SlowUptake
Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, June 22nd (Sunday)

SS17, I am sorry you and SWAT are going through this tribulation with SWAT's health at the moment. My heart goes out to you.

I "thought" that I really understood what Swat was going through. I understood pain, the lies, manipulation, confusion and anger. But after reading that over and over. I don't know shit. What I have done to my husband was probably beyond my comprehension.
This is good, you are starting to 'get it'.

Was it on purpose? Not a chance,
Your actions were very purposeful.
I think you might be confusing chance with 'giving a shit'.
You did all those things because you wanted to. You did it without caring one iota of how it would affect anyone else including SWAT and your family.
However, I think your starting to care now and not just about how it affects you, which up until now has been the case.

Your getting better. Peace


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
fireguy87
Member
Member # 36992
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, June 22nd (Sunday)

SS17

Both of you will be in our thoughts and prayers. Tell SWAT that he is wished a fast recovery.

Also, remember that "It" is about both of you. You both need to work on yourselves and each other so that you both heal.

Do not give up hope!!


Me - FBH
Happened many years ago
Reconciled

Posts: 51 | Registered: Sep 2012
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, June 22nd (Sunday)

I'm still going to need a lot of help, so keep it coming please. Right about now I would be saying its a bad day for me, but honestly who cares. This was never about me.

The SI community will always be here for both of you. For what it's worth, very much worried about you in addition to SWAT. Take care of those kiddos first and then yourself as much as you can.

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2201 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
SoSorry17
Member
Member # 43415
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, June 22nd (Sunday)

Hobbes, no I'm not depressed. I'm angry at myself. I'm angry for what I did to him, to my kids, to my family and our marriage. I did this knowing that it could have devastating consequences. The worst part is I can't even say it was for love. I wanted this dark fantasy and I sought it out. Did I know the consequences, I thought I did. I'm sure that the consequences I thought about were pitifully weak compared to the reality of it all. Did it matter, I would like to say yes. But my actions show otherwise.

I just didn't want to believe I slipped so far. I know I did and that hurts. So much pain and devastation, just because I was a little unhappy and majorly selfish. I could have taken so many positive steps and talked to BH, but I didn't. I stepped into my fantasy world consequences be damned. I just never fully understood what those consequences would be.


BH-SWAT70 Me-39
Three kids 11,6 and 3
He did file for divorce, the marriage will be ended 10/23/14.

Posts: 241 | Registered: May 2014
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, June 22nd (Sunday)

You have hit on one important issue; that men and women look at adultery in different ways. To SWAT you were his woman, he owned you; he was the protector and you gave the right to give you children to him and him alone.

The very act of sex with the OM was in effect giving the OM a chance to make you pregnant; to SWAT on a primitive level you were no longer exclusively his woman the OM had established rights to you, including a chance to give you his child.

I'm not surprised SWAT has taken this very hard. He is intensely masculine and reading your 'diary' and all of his workmates poring over your naked pics, has just driven him way down.

I can only hope he can recover and allow time to dilute the pain. I am certain you and your extended family will be there for him during this critical phase in his life. You in particular seem to understand the issues more and more as the situation unfolds. I am sure there will be a very different SoSorry by the time peace returns; and it will.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
JanetS
Member
Member # 2766
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, June 22nd (Sunday)

I know that you have apologized to SWAT, many times.

Have you actually said the words "I'm so sorry" to your family members. They've been with you, loved you, supported you. Their lives are in upheaval as well. And I know you are devastated by what they too are going through. Have you taken the step of telling them how very sorry you are for what they are going through? If in all of this turmoil you didn't take this step, maybe it might help you and them, in some way, to put it out there.

I've advised you in a prior post that you need to be there for SWAT should he decide he needs your help. I forgot to say that you need to watch out for your own physical/mental health as well. You're going through the toughest of times right now. This can do great damage to you. Get to a Dr. and get a check up, watch for blood pressure, watch for signs of depression. You certainly are in a prime position to fall prey to these maladies.

In some small way I'm also hoping that AP breaks the PO again (in a small way, another letter for example) and end up in jail for a longer period of time. You've got enough on your plate it'd be nice to not have to wonder if AP is nearby.

Best to you and your family.

Janet

PS: you should maybe apologize to your brother specifically for ignoring his good advice when he told you that meeting up with AP at the bar was a bad idea. You ignored his good advice. I think that had you not gone, AP may have given up...but even if he continued, it'd not be on your shoulders. You would still be healing from an affair, but this meeting started a new trajectory for this mess. The out-of-control started on that day. Let your brother know how you know that you should have listened to him that day instead of blowing his advice off.

[This message edited by JanetS at 9:31 AM, June 22nd (Sunday)]


Posts: 2594 | Registered: Nov 2003 | From: Niagara-on-the-Lake, Canada
circe
Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, June 22nd (Sunday)

SS17, I'm very sorry for what happened and I wish SWAT peace in his mind and heart and a speedy physical recovery.

That said, and I mean this in the kindest possible way - SWAT was clear with his doctors that he wanted privacy, and that he didn't want his medical information shared with you. I feel like you got this information anyway by sending your family in to gather info while SWAT was weak and probably not up to being as insistent as he might otherwise be about making his needs known. But you do know that he asked for privacy from you. You know that. So sharing the details of his medical information here with us feels pretty invasive when he expressly asked for privacy.

I know you do this out of worry and love and I'm guessing a lot of guilt, and because so many people here follow your story and have come to care about you both. And of course we all want to hear about SWAT's health and recovery because of that caring. However - his needs have to come first now. Whether you think he should have those needs or not. Whether it interferes with your need to care for him or not.

It feels like your need to take care of him and know what's happening with him is being put before his need to be by himself for a spell and have some privacy. He 'knows' a lot of people on this board now, and I just feel like he should decide how much medical and psychological info to share with us when he's ready. I don't know, maybe I'm alone in thinking this, but it's what I'd want in his place.


Posts: 3196 | Registered: Mar 2005
SoSorry17
Member
Member # 43415
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, June 22nd (Sunday)

My family is coming over shortly. SIL went to the hospital with some gifts for Swat. I haven't apologized to them yet, but today is as good as any day.

Circe, thanks for pointing that out. I'm worried but his wishes are more important.

Swat did call a few minutes ago and talked to the kids. He did talk to me briefly. He didn't say much but said he was alright and would be home soon. I just want to hold him and tell him how much I love him. It isn't what he needs or wants, I get that.

OK now, as much as reading that hurts. I know its true. I was thinking how awful it would be if Swat had a child with another woman.


BH-SWAT70 Me-39
Three kids 11,6 and 3
He did file for divorce, the marriage will be ended 10/23/14.

Posts: 241 | Registered: May 2014
Pentup
Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, June 22nd (Sunday)

Praying for you and Swat


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6605 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
HobbesTheTiger
Member
Member # 41477
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, June 22nd (Sunday)

Could perhaps your brother stay with you until SWAT comes home? I think it would be beneficial for several reasons:
1. Safety in case AP hears that SWAT is in hospital
2. Reassuring SWAT that you didn't/couldn't contact AP in that time (he's probably triggering right now because being in hospital reminds him of the last time)
3. Reassuring you, since you'll have constant support
4. Distracting your kids, since uncle will be there to have fun with them etc.

Best wishes!


BxBf, 26
Lots of FOO&other issues, working it through therapy
Legal profession

Posts: 242 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Continental Europe
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, June 22nd (Sunday)

Sweetheart, it is about you, too. You MUST be sure to take care of yourself--to eat properly, get enough fluid, get enough rest, exercise each day. It's critical. You need to be physically strong and healthy for yourself and your kids. You need to continue the internal work.

You need to emerge on the other side whole---no matter what the other side looks like.

Of course your focus is on SWAT now, with the current situation.

But know that he is where he needs to be. He likely IS triggering, being in the hospital again. (I would imagine the last incident spawned some PTSD. And, of course, the nature of his illness terrifies on many levels--he has worries about family history, about the stress that contributes to the illness, about whether he will remain strong and healthy as your kids grow, etc. etc.) It is a HUGE HUGE thing to experience a serious, life-threatening illness; it's a life-changer. And this "life changing" requires introspection and work and ...well, it's just really hard. I experienced this personally after a serious accident in young adulthood that was a game-changer; it involves grieving and life redesign, and considerable energy. Don't take his introspection personally. It's not about you.)

I'm gonna post something I've already posted today, because it was so critical to my well-being--not just post-infidelity, but in life, in general. I do it with the disclaimer that "God" needn't mean a traditional God, but just a universal power greater than ourselves.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Let go of the things you cannot control. Be the best YOU you can be. Do the things YOU can do. Surrender what you cannot change.

This changes everything. It's something that requires a lot of mindfulness--which I lack sometimes (so I got the word "surrender" tattooed inside my left wrist to remind me). It's worth the effort.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8849 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, June 22nd (Sunday)

I would caution you not to make the leap from physical illness to, "he needs a psych consult and suicide watch, stat!"

He has a physical illness. It may be related to stress. That he feels awful physically--while reeling from recent events--does not mean he is spiraling the drain. It means he needs to be right where he is.


Solus Sto makes a very valid point, and I want to apologize for being alarmist. I took him asking if you and the kids would be ok without him, him saying he wanted it all to end, and him posting that he needed to take a break from SI as alarm bells for someone contemplating suicide. And though I still feel with all he's been through the psych consult was a good call on the part of the medical staff, I think I was wrong to suggest suicide watch. That would be for his medical team to determine. He's a strong and proud man and I shudder to think what he would think of my posting that.

Sometimes patients who are experiencing cardiac events have an impending sense of doom. Perhaps his comments could have come from fear of what was happening to him physically and worry for who would protect and take care of his family if he died.

I am glad you were there to quickly get him the help he needed and I'm glad he's in the hospital being cared for.

I continue to pray for you, SWAT, and your family.
((((SS17))))


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1499 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
SoSorry17
Member
Member # 43415
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, June 22nd (Sunday)

He's home. He checked out of the hospital and came home with SIL, who said he did so against medical advice. I told her to not talk about him, if he wants me to know he will tell me. She thanked me and said she didn't want to talk about him, but felt I needed to know and she was conflicted. He is with the kids right now and they all seem happy, and I even saw him smile a bit.

I talked to him briefly and he assured me he was alright. He said we would finish our talk Tuesday morning when he got home from work. I said I didn't think he should go to work and he needed to rest. He got angry and said that he was going to work and he didn't want or need my opinion. I didn't want to upset him so I agreed he could do what ever he wanted. He apologized if I was scared the other day and again said he was alright, and even had some prescriptions to take. I don't want to upset him, so I didn't argue with him. He looks better today, but I'm still worried about him.


BH-SWAT70 Me-39
Three kids 11,6 and 3
He did file for divorce, the marriage will be ended 10/23/14.

Posts: 241 | Registered: May 2014
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, June 22nd (Sunday)

I can understand SIL being conflicted. You did the right thing in backing off both her and SWAT. How are you holding up SoSorry?


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2201 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
BrokenButTrying
Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, June 22nd (Sunday)

((((SS))))

You have all been in my thoughts today. Despite what you think, you are handling this well. We're all here for you.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1253 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
SoSorry17
Member
Member # 43415
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, June 22nd (Sunday)

I think that I'm ok. My family has been great, and I did have a long talk with my brother. He has been great with me and the kids. He did say he was disappointed with me, but he said he loves me and will support me. I understand where he is coming from, I'm his baby sister and he has always tried to protect me. But Swat is his brother in all ways. They are very close and I've put a wedge between them, that is very painful for them. My brother wants to talk to Swat about what he is feeling, but he has refused. Swat has also distanced himself from my parents lately. The only person he is still fairly open with is SIL. Everyone is under a lot of stress because of this. It is understandable of course. It is upsetting to realize exactly what I have done. I've likely taken the only family he has away from him, or at least that maybe how he feels. We have talked about it and they do love him and want to help and support him. It is just no one knows how to do it.

SIL did say that she doesn't think he is suicidal, she said he is depressed and she thinks his PTSD from some previous incidents has gotten worse. She would not get into detail though.


BH-SWAT70 Me-39
Three kids 11,6 and 3
He did file for divorce, the marriage will be ended 10/23/14.

Posts: 241 | Registered: May 2014
SoSorry17
Member
Member # 43415
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, June 22nd (Sunday)

Duplicate post

[This message edited by SoSorry17 at 6:05 PM, June 22nd (Sunday)]


BH-SWAT70 Me-39
Three kids 11,6 and 3
He did file for divorce, the marriage will be ended 10/23/14.

Posts: 241 | Registered: May 2014
JanetS
Member
Member # 2766
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, June 22nd (Sunday)

He's home and has spent time with the kids. That's a good thing. His broken heart needs these moments. You have to find ways to quietly and daily show how much you love him. And I'm sure he knows that you love him. He just has to process all that's been placed on his lap. He has the added pressure of an idiot, unpredictable and mean AP. It takes time.

Watching your emotional growth in these last weeks is pretty awesome. You were given 2x4's when deserved, and rather than get defensive you used these moments as opportunities to look inside yourself.

These last days you were served with pain and fear that I cannot imagine. Knowing that you played a role in that must have been very difficult. If you had a pity party, you did it quietly and remained strong for the children and remained available to SWAT (even though at that moment in time he was not wanting to share with you).

You have learned much. You will continue to grow. I hope you stay on this board as people here really do care about you and SWAT, individually and as a couple if it comes to that. Your self-realization can be shared with newbies to the board down the road, just as many have shared with you.

Your story has tugged on my old heartstrings.


Posts: 2594 | Registered: Nov 2003 | From: Niagara-on-the-Lake, Canada
SoSorry17
Member
Member # 43415
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, June 22nd (Sunday)

Everyone was very happy to have him home. We all had dinner. After eating he and my brother went for a walk. I don't know what was said. He then talked to my parents, again I don't know what he said.

He then talked to me, he looked like a kicked puppy. He said that he is supposed to be monitored due to his medications. He asked to sleep in our bedroom with me.

The kids went with my brother and SIL. We went to bed early because he was tired. We did talk some more. He told me he was going for treatment for his PTSD. He said he loves me and wants to make this work. We cried a lot and he fell asleep.

God, I love this man. He is sleeping about a foot away. He is handsome, strong and honest. He is also the most generous person I know. He loves me and has given me a gift. One I will cherish until the day I die.


BH-SWAT70 Me-39
Three kids 11,6 and 3
He did file for divorce, the marriage will be ended 10/23/14.

Posts: 241 | Registered: May 2014
LosferWords
Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, June 22nd (Sunday)

No advice to offer, as you both have been getting lots of great advice and support. I just wanted to voice my support for the both of you, and let you know that your family has been on my mind a lot lately. Sending many kind thoughts and well wishes towards SWAT, you, and your kids.

Posts: 7555 | Registered: Dec 2010
saturnpatrick
Member
Member # 35989
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, June 22nd (Sunday)

Glad to hear that SoSorry.

No matter what, do not stop working on yourself. I once told you that you need to understand your 'whys' so that you can make better choices in the future.

If you are saying that you two are moving toward R, then from an R perspective, you also need to know your 'whys' so that Swat can know you will make better choices in the future.

He may not say it, he may not even know it yet, but he will need to see you working on yourself. He will need to know, without any doubt in his mind, how you are going to never let this happen again. "I don't knows" won't cut it (not that you've used them that I'm aware of). You need to know yourself backwards and forwards, why you made decisions, and why you will not make them again. If you can do this work without him asking, the message sent will be all the more powerful.

Keep digging SoSorry. Read books mentioned here. Keep going to IC. Let us know of your discoveries. Let Swat know of your discoveries, and how they contribute to you never hurting your family in this way again.

We are rooting for you.


[This message edited by saturnpatrick at 10:29 PM, June 22nd (Sunday)]


BH
I typo therefore I edit.

Posts: 196 | Registered: Jun 2012
StillStanding1
Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, June 22nd (Sunday)

^^^^ agree with Saturnpatrick 100%

Very happy for you both. Your post brought tears to my eyes.

Keep working, SS. Make yourself safe for him. He deserves your best effort. Glad you're both doing well tonight.


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 715 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
raven3321
New Member
Member # 43647
Default  Posted: 1:06 AM, June 23rd (Monday)

OK...seriously. This just made my night. It's good to hear good news once in a while. Like everyone else, I'll keep praying for you two and your family.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: raven3321
JanetS
Member
Member # 2766
Default  Posted: 1:50 AM, June 23rd (Monday)

This step is huge. This is not the first time I've had tears in my eyes for you two;. It's like a good book, but the fact that it's real makes is so compelling.

You're still enroute to healing, and the tough stuff is still ahead. But you are now on the same road, the same page.

He did give you a gift. Just keep growing, and never ever ever go back to your old selfish manipulative self. You've already made yourself a better person. There is a difference between pretending to be a different person and actually become one....are not the same thing. Make him never believe that this gift was a mistake.

You are on a honeymoon period right now. So happy and probably very grateful. Remember, it won't be this way everyday. There will still be angry days :( But somewhere down the road life will be normal again...drama gone....with peace filling that space.

I am so happy for all of your family including SWAT's inlaws.


SO happy for SWAT too. He made a decision that he'd analyzed and "emotionalized" for so long. It must be a huge release for him.


Posts: 2594 | Registered: Nov 2003 | From: Niagara-on-the-Lake, Canada
william
Member
Member # 41986
Default  Posted: 2:34 AM, June 23rd (Monday)

when i discovered my wife had been cheating on me it ripped apart the box that i had shoved my combat experiences apart. literally. id gone through PTSD before (without knowing what it was) but the adultry of my wife brought all of that back ... worse than before. id be surprised if its not done the same to YOUR husband. its ripped apart the walls he had built in his mind and all sorts of crap that he had "sorta" dealt with is now free falling through his mind.

that crap, the crap sandwich you gave him to eat, the stress of AP, everyone at work knowing what you did (which is assuredly deeply embarrassing to him) and having to face those people, the TT he got, the events that have occured AFTER the discovery of the affair, etc = a massive amount of stress, emotional pain, and heartbreak for him.

he doesnt trust you and rightfully so. you have proved you cant be trusted. yet ... he loves you. with all of his heart. that creates more than a little internal conflict as well. the person he would have gone to in times of trouble is also the person that stabbed him in the back. that leaves him feeling mighty alone and vulnerable.

i hope im not too forward with offering what seems to me to be two conflicting thoughts in your head. the first is that it is obvious that you DO love him. the second is that you have been so very manipulative for so very long that you probably dont even realize when you are doing it and its second nature for you and your "go to" response in any situation. we all deal with things differently. me, i tend to analyze everything for a long time with no real outward reaction and then when i reach a conclusion i act extremely decisively and then dont second guess the decision that i have made. i instinctively push back against being manipulated and resent not having all of the facts. my wife tends to react in typical italian fashion with a huge burst of anger that is usually faded by the time she vents it. my point is that we are all different and we all tend to react to stress and situations differently, so what i said isnt necessarily criticism but more an observation.

i "think" that swat feels conflicted.
he wants space. you trigger the hell out of him. when he sees you he thinks about you and AP, you and your lies, you and your affair, you and your betrayals.
at the same time he also sees the woman that he loves, the mother of his children, the one that he wanted to spend his life with, and wants your support.

at this point he has every reason to continue on with the divorce. you broke your vows. you killed the marriage. i "think" hes also seeking a reason to stay. it would be up to you to provide that reason and whatever you do may NOT be provide enough of a reason. but at this point pulling back wont provide that reason and will lead to a finalized divorce. offering him support, love, and showing him you care - even in the face of rejection - MIGHT change that outcome when combined with a serious attempt to improve yourself, your coping mechanisms, and to fix the broken part of you that allowed yourself to do what you did.

try to help him heal. not just because it might lead to R but also because its the right thing to do. you owe it to him.

my heart goes out to him, you, and your family.


me - bh
her - lara01

from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA

??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys


Posts: 549 | Registered: Jan 2014
BrokenButTrying
Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 3:23 AM, June 23rd (Monday)

I'm so happy to read this! Really glad you and SWAT are turning towards each other and going for R. I have so much hope for the two of you.

I agree with Patrick, keep working on yourself. SWAT needs to see you progressing more than ever.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1253 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 3:40 AM, June 23rd (Monday)

This is great news!! I'm pulling for your family more than ever!

Keep up the hard work and continue to fight for your M.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2201 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
circe
Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, June 23rd (Monday)

So glad to read this update, SS17. We are all rooting for both of you, no matter the outcome, to be healthy and happy. If you can work it out together rather than apart, so so much the better.

I totally agree with this:

He did give you a gift. Just keep growing, and never ever ever go back to your old selfish manipulative self. You've already made yourself a better person. There is a difference between pretending to be a different person and actually become one....are not the same thing. Make him never believe that this gift was a mistake.

Posts: 3196 | Registered: Mar 2005
JanetS
Member
Member # 2766
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, June 23rd (Monday)

I imagine the children are over the moon. They don't understand the details, but for their Daddy to be in the home to talk to, to play with, is everything to them.

I'm SO happy for your family.


Posts: 2594 | Registered: Nov 2003 | From: Niagara-on-the-Lake, Canada
SoSorry17
Member
Member # 43415
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, June 23rd (Monday)

Thanks everyone. I had IC this morning and there was obviously a lot discussed.

I talked for about a half an hour. About how I'm scared. I'm scared of letting him and my family down yet again. I'm scared I will do something to hurt him again. I don't mean cheating, that will never happen again. I'm working everyday to be open and honest in everything I do. But I'm afraid I'll make a mistake and it will be horrible. I know that I will make mistakes, I just have a deep seated fear I'll make another unforgivable one. IC and I talked about this for some time. I left feeling better but now it is more nervous than scared. Baby steps I guess.

But I get home and his truck is parked next to the house. The kids are home(school is out for the summer) and they are all swimming. It sounds stupid but when I saw him, my being nervous and scared just kind of went away. Its 78 and sunny here, but it seemed cloudy to me until I saw him. He is really here and he looks happy. So maybe, just maybe this girl caught a break. One I'm gonna hold onto with everything I've got. I don't mean I'm gonna be clingy or anything. But I'm gonna listen and I'm gonna learn.

I made lunch and I changed into my swim suit and I am going to join them. Please accept my thanks and promise me 2x4's when I do or say something stupid cause its gonna happen.


BH-SWAT70 Me-39
Three kids 11,6 and 3
He did file for divorce, the marriage will be ended 10/23/14.

Posts: 241 | Registered: May 2014
JanetS
Member
Member # 2766
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, June 23rd (Monday)

You enjoy this beautiful day with your family. Laugh a lot (laughter is actually VERY healthy). (don't forget the sunscreen).

Make today a normal day.

There will probably be bad days, that is to be expected. But the more "normal" days you can attain, the easier recovery will be. SWAT will know, firsthand, that even after your affair he can enjoy his family, his life.

Work hard on your insecurity. You are afraid to make a mistake. If you worry too much about that you won't enjoy what is right in front of you.

Enjoy enjoy enjoy.....words for today.


Posts: 2594 | Registered: Nov 2003 | From: Niagara-on-the-Lake, Canada
redsox13
Member
Member # 43391
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, June 23rd (Monday)

You wrote:

I just want to hold him and tell him how much I love him. It isn't what he needs or wants, I get that.

OK now, as much as reading that hurts. I know its true.


You are wrong - though I think you know that now. It is exactly what he needs. And I think Swat has known that all along - that he was being driven away from the one thing that could make him feel better.

You know your husband very well - you saw he was not well. He needs to be with you. It's actually always been pretty obvious from your posts and his - though just how much he needs you is not something I understood. Maybe though you did.


BS - 45
WW - 43
In R for 5 years, still hurting but finally letting go

Posts: 266 | Registered: May 2014 | From: nh
splitintwo
Member
Member # 42951
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, June 24th (Tuesday)

This news makes my heart happy.

Hugs to you both.


BH: 42
WW: 37
LTA ended Jan. 1, 2014; NC started in April.
Married 17 years.
No DDay; this, like all of life's decisions, is a work in progress.

My best thinking brought me to SI.


Posts: 213 | Registered: Mar 2014
circe
Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, June 24th (Tuesday)

I'm scared of letting him and my family down yet again. I'm scared I will do something to hurt him again. I don't mean cheating, that will never happen again. I'm working everyday to be open and honest in everything I do. But I'm afraid I'll make a mistake and it will be horrible. I know that I will make mistakes, I just have a deep seated fear I'll make another unforgivable one.

I totally get this and I think it's a really positive sign, believe it or not, in your healing and eventual R.

I'm a mad hatter, but I was first a WS and when I finally really --THUNK-- "got" my complete lack of boundaries, the realization was first something that I internalized "I have no real boundaries" and then on the heels of that I realized "my beloved husband is married to someone with no boundaries" - and I was so scared for him. I realized his love for me, combined with my issues, left him so vulnerable. I couldn't stand the thought. But it was one of the primary motivators at the time in me fixing myself in IC with complete, painful, humiliating self-honesty. If I felt like hiding from something, I realized the vulnerability my BH would have to that thing - and that gave me the courage to get it out and fill that void with something healthy. Therapy, self understanding, self forgiveness, painful change.

Keep up the good hard work! So glad to read of the positive turns in your road.


Posts: 3196 | Registered: Mar 2005
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)

It sounds stupid but when I saw him, my being nervous and scared just kind of went away. Its 78 and sunny here, but it seemed cloudy to me until I saw him. He is really here and he looks happy. So maybe, just maybe this girl caught a break. One I'm gonna hold onto with everything I've got. I don't mean I'm gonna be clingy or anything. But I'm gonna listen and I'm gonna learn.
SS17 - enjoy your family today. One thing I want to mention. It would be very easy for both you and SWAT to settle back into old thought patterns and interactions once the shine wears off this second chance. You need to be vigilant against that.

Be sure that you are making changes FOR YOURSELF. That you are accountable TO YOURSELF. Make sure that you are looking INTERNALLY for your own happiness and validation. Those things are your job: not SWAT's, not your kids', not your family members', and not anyone else's. YOU are it.

Wishing you all the best.


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25765 | Registered: Aug 2011
BrokenButTrying
Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)

Big cheesy grins today, I am SO happy for you guys! Enjoy your family SS. I'm really proud of you, you should be proud of yourself too!

I agree with NIK, read that post over and over. Also, you are not perfect. You are human. Accept that. You will have bad days, SWAT will have bad days. You will mess up and won't be the perfect remorseful wayward at times, SWAT knows that. As long as he can see you trying and working on yourself then that is what matters. This is a huge learning curve for you, don't be too hard on yourself.

Anyway, enjoy the day! I'm THRILLED for you all!

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 2:18 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)]


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1253 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
SoSorry17
Member
Member # 43415
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)

NIK, thanks and I will remember.

The day in the pool was great. Swat caught me off guard though. We were sitting in the pool watching the kids. He asked me if I would be packing that swim suit for vacation. With everything that happened this last week, I forgot about the trip. Me going is a new development. It was originally a trip for the kids and him. (We were going to split the two vacations between us) I asked if he was sure because this is still very new. He said he is in it to win it, so he was 100% percent sure. We are leaving on Saturday and I need to get my behind in gear to go.

Load the kids in the car this morning and head to the mall. New summer clothes for everyone, my treat. Fun was had by all, until two hours ago. Were eating lunch and I look into the booth next to us. AP's sister is there with some friends, some of who I know, and I am getting the death stare. I asked for the bill and had to wait for a few minutes. The entire time I can see hear pointing at me and talking to her friends. I only heard the emphasized words "slut, f'ing whore, bitch" and so on.

I'm pissed at myself, I'm embarrassed and hurt for my BS. So I'm sitting here at the mall and I don't think the kids understood what happened. I called Swat and told him. He asked me if I was alright. Me, I'm worried about him. He says he will meet us and he comes to the mall. Gives me a hug and a kiss and takes the boys, for "guy stuff, cause we don't do no shopping at the mall." DD is getting her hair done and her nails painted. What should have been a fun day, is now just yuck.

But I'm trying to learn from this. People know and some are going to talk about me and my affair. It will die down eventually, but is still sucks. Before I would have tried to hide seeing her or AP. But Swat said he wanted to know of any issues or contact with AP. I honestly never realized how often I could see AP or his family and friends. While this is my first encounter with his family I've had since dday. I have seen his friends around town a lot.

I'm sorry for posting every little thing. It just seems easier for me to let it all out here. I'm trying to take responsibility for my actions and decisions. But you all have helped me so much, and I just needed to vent some of the pressure.

[This message edited by SoSorry17 at 3:13 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)]


BH-SWAT70 Me-39
Three kids 11,6 and 3
He did file for divorce, the marriage will be ended 10/23/14.

Posts: 241 | Registered: May 2014
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)

I'm sorry for posting every little thing. It just seems easier for me to let it all out here. I'm trying to take responsibility for my actions and decisions. But you all have helped me so much, and I just needed to vent some of the pressure.
You don't need to apologize - that's exactly what SI is here for. Good job on communicating with SWAT right away.

It sucks to be talked about, especially with the kids right there. Shake it off and keep your focus forward - on your path to R with SWAT and on getting everyone ready for vacation.


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25765 | Registered: Aug 2011
SoSorry17
Member
Member # 43415
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)

NIK, thanks again.


BH-SWAT70 Me-39
Three kids 11,6 and 3
He did file for divorce, the marriage will be ended 10/23/14.

Posts: 241 | Registered: May 2014
BrokenButTrying
Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)

Never apologise for posting! That's what we're here for.

I'm sorry you ran into AP's sister and her friends, that sucks. But you handled it brilliantly, you really did.

Don't let them distract you from your family and your healing. Keep communicating with SWAT, work out a 'game plan' for handling encounters like that with the kids around. Make sure you're on the same page, tell him about everything. You're doing great.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1253 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
knightsbff
Member
Member # 36853
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)

I was so happy to hear y'all are working for R!!!! Definitely happy tears here too.

You handled the encounter with AP's sister really well. I have run into the AP's BW and had her curse about me in public with my kids present too. It's tough and scary. You protect the kids the best way you can and accept your consequences. Don't accept what you hear. Your behavior was despicable but that's not who you are. Keep working on becoming who you want to be and eventually people who know you as someone who has overcome adversity and improved her character.


FWW 40's
D-day August 27, 2012
3 kids and 2 dogs

I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️


Posts: 1499 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Deep South, USA
Schadenfreude
Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)

Most of his new friends will be wearing orange jump suits with big letters on the back or maybe old fashioned horizontal black stripes on white. Really soon. You should be worried about him, but I hope the man or woman in the black robe decides s/he has had enough of his antics and gives him a long vacation, too. He'll get some healthy exercise in the yard and make lots of new friends who might find him attractive.

Glad you stayed despite what those bitches were saying. Stand up to them and they'll cave.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
JanetS
Member
Member # 2766
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)

It may never go away completely, but I'm sure it will slow down, a lot.

In a way it's good that his current "unfortunate incarceration" has nothing to do with you, but because of his behaviour with yet another woman. It's got to become clear to others that even though you made a mistake, he is the one who is out of his mind.

So, you get two holidays this year. Way to go!


Posts: 2594 | Registered: Nov 2003 | From: Niagara-on-the-Lake, Canada
heartbroken0903
Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)

Gotta love the hypocrisy of these friends of his...as if he wasn't the other half of the equation, ya know?

Stay the course, SoSorry17. I am rooting for you and your husband.


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Remarried.


Posts: 2232 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
redsox13
Member
Member # 43391
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)

Such a cool story. You do the right thing and call your H - and your H appears like the Cavalry to help. You are so not in this alone.


BS - 45
WW - 43
In R for 5 years, still hurting but finally letting go

Posts: 266 | Registered: May 2014 | From: nh
SoSorry17
Member
Member # 43415
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, June 25th (Wednesday)

After thinking about what happened yesterday, I realized I'm going to have to get some tougher skin. I did cheat and for a very long time, I wasn't a good partner and I was a terrible wife. Swat was awesome yesterday. Here I was calling him because he said he wanted to know if there was any contact. But did a small part of me maybe want his help? When I really didn't need it. Was I seeking validation from him? I could have just left and called him on the way home. I could have just waited to get home and tell him. I spent the night thinking "Seriously, you called him because they were picking on you."

Today he is happy, it doesn't seem like he is thinking that way. Seeing him smile at me again makes me happy. I've known this man for a very long time, I've seen him be a KISA for lots of people. I don't think that is a flaw in him though. For him its more a virtue. I'm not sure that is the right word. But I see him as a warrior, a protector and a peacemaker. He has always been like that. He helps people when they need it most. He never gave me cause to question him as his actions were always above board. I see all of the little things he does to help everyone. He holds doors, he carries bags for elderly people, he mows lawns and plows snow for anyone who needs it. Never gets paid or asks for anything in return. He will be working nights and sleeping, but he wakes up to carry in the groceries. He does laundry and dishes. He isn't perfect, no one is. He has his quirks and annoying habits.

But all of that makes him the man he is. He's perfect to me and right now he is mine and if I can help it, as long as he allows it and wants to stay with me, I'm never letting him go. Does anyone else feel that way? If so why did we let it get to this? Are we really that selfish and how do you fix that kind of broken?

[This message edited by SoSorry17 at 10:57 AM, June 25th (Wednesday)]


BH-SWAT70 Me-39
Three kids 11,6 and 3
He did file for divorce, the marriage will be ended 10/23/14.

Posts: 241 | Registered: May 2014
SurprisinglyOkay
Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, June 25th (Wednesday)

Are we really that selfish and how do you fix that kind of broken?

Yes,
And, with LOTS of hard work.
Not a few IC sessions and we're fixed, but real, deep, soul searching work.
I started two years and some change ago, I feel like I've scratched the surface.
I've cleared away the top layer of broken, now I'm finding the deeper, more ingrained, more painful things to deal with.
I keep working to get better, to make myself healthier, safe.
I have an awareness that some of my issues are not going to go away, that I will have to remain vigilant for ever.

Start reading some books, journal, work hard. The rewards are amazing!


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1134 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
Joanh
Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, June 25th (Wednesday)

Really nice to hear that you were able to tell your BH what had happen at the mall. I to live in a small town and see AP in a vehicle and have to drive by his home, and I see his XW quite often too. Its har, and it sucks.

Just remember the stronger and the more you understand yourself , your why's etc. The confidence of being okay will come back.

Just remember , the happy can turn quick too , be ready, be strong for your BH he has lots of things to get through, keep going to IC, and you may find at some point your BH won't be able to hear your pain, that's okay to, its once again where you have to be strong.

Good luck and am glad to hear you are finding yourself for your family.:-) it is a great accomplishment.


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 437 | Registered: Apr 2013
She-Ra
Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, June 25th (Wednesday)

Hi SS17

Reading your update is really heartwarming. I'm thrilled that he is giving you a chance at R. I'm also amazed at how much you have changed since joining SI.

Be gentle on yourself and remember it's a marathon not a race. Many people will tell you that here and it wasn't until I was about a year into this, that I truly understood the magnitude of it all. You will burn yourself out emotionally probably a million times over during this journey. You are doing awesome and very happy to see.

Once the dust settles, the real work begins. The long haul.... All that self discovery... Make sure you are taking care of yourself, eating healthy and getting exercise.

I look forward to hearing more updates and will be rooting for you guys


WW/BW 33 BH/WH 34
1 year old beautiful daughter

Posts: 860 | Registered: Jul 2012
JanetS
Member
Member # 2766
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, June 26th (Thursday)

I hope all is going well as you prepare for your holiday.

Now that things are settling down for you two, I want you to not feel the need to regularly give us a day-by-day update. Now is the time for some privacy and freedom from the need to keep us informed.

Of course we're all still very interested in how you and SWAT are doing...we've become quite touched by your story. A nice update from time-to-time would be so nice if you get the chance.

So, I do look forward to hearing about you guys again, I hope that you are enjoying your reconciliation, and working on the issues, that updating at the board goes a little lower down the priority list. I know the board was so needed at the beginning, but it's okay to slow it down now.

Thinking of you guys often. Enjoy your family.


Posts: 2594 | Registered: Nov 2003 | From: Niagara-on-the-Lake, Canada
SoSorry17
Member
Member # 43415
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, June 26th (Thursday)

So I did catch a break. Today I'm kind of down and Swat sees this. I tell him I'm still a little upset over the mall incident. BH tells me to ignore AP sister, cause she was just projecting. I didn't know what he meant until he explained she is how shall it put it...a woman of loose morals. Seems she tried to "comfort" him after dday. Seems she has tried for years to get him and after we married to get him to stray. Swat said she has hinted for years that he should leave me and get with her. He even got a text from her today. She said she was sorry if her actions hurt him in any way and if he needed a shoulder to cry on she could help. She is just looking out for him because she cares about him. This growing up knowing everyone involved sucks. Swat did text her back with "No thanks, I'm with SS17 and were working things out. Besides I would rather f a grizzly bear, it would be less dangerous. I've heard way to many stories about you. Please don't contact me or my wife in any way again." She is now blocked.

I am happy and yet sad. Here I have a superstar husband, because the sister is really stunning. Light to my dark, tall and thin to my small and curvy. But he said she is an ugly person inside and I'm not. I had to thank him and walk away. I didn't want him to see me crying again. Because I know that I have been an ugly person on the inside.


BH-SWAT70 Me-39
Three kids 11,6 and 3
He did file for divorce, the marriage will be ended 10/23/14.

Posts: 241 | Registered: May 2014
Mercilesslynuked
Member
Member # 42997
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, June 26th (Thursday)

If I may interject... Don't be afraid to show swat your emotions in a non manipulative fashion (very very crucial that this isnt the goal as he will sense this one mile or hundred away). But remember: vulnerability is a pillar of building bonds.


Never apologize for having high standards. People who really want to be in your life will rise up to meet them.

D-day 1/6/2014-1/23/2014


Posts: 172 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Colorado
SoSorry17
Member
Member # 43415
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, June 26th (Thursday)

I do show him emotion. I was just a little overwhelmed. Or rather ashamed.


BH-SWAT70 Me-39
Three kids 11,6 and 3
He did file for divorce, the marriage will be ended 10/23/14.

Posts: 241 | Registered: May 2014
Schadenfreude
Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, June 26th (Thursday)

So SWAT has a grizzly bear fetish? Are you SURE you really want him?

Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
SoSorry17
Member
Member # 43415
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, June 26th (Thursday)

Yep...I sure do.


BH-SWAT70 Me-39
Three kids 11,6 and 3
He did file for divorce, the marriage will be ended 10/23/14.

Posts: 241 | Registered: May 2014
SoSorry17
Member
Member # 43415
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, June 28th (Saturday)

We are currently traveling in a north easterly direction. Vacation in Maine, sun, sand and lobster. The whole family is going to this really nice rental on the ocean. Leaving this morning everyone is grinning. The kids, mom, dad, big bro, SIL, nieces and nephews. Swat was smiling more than anyone, he loves this stuff, getting 12 people together, getting them there and he is determined this will be the best vacation in the history of vacations.

I'm so freaking angry right now. I'm the biggest POS to walk the planet. I've always kind of bragged on my man. He is pretty awesome. He's smart, funny, handsome, eyes a girl can get lost in, built like an Abrams tank with some really awesome ink. He's loving, generous, protective and honest to a fault. He is also so damaged and broken and I never saw it.
He suffers from PTSD and I can honestly say I could never have survived what he has.

Last night was possibly the worse and yet best night of my life. Last night Swat told me everything that he has seen and done. Stuff I never knew about and I can barely understand.

He cried and was angry. So angry we have some new holes and property damage in the barn. He wasn't mad at me and I never felt he would hurt me. I've never seen so much pain before. I almost felt it hitting me it was that intense. Due to the recent health scare I did panic when he collapsed, but it wasn't anything to due with his health. He was just spent, he exploded like a beer can after you shake it. That was what made it the worst night.

What made it the best? He said over and over how much he loved us and how he needed me. Not the kids or my family,he said he needs ME. This mountain of a man needs little dumpy old me. He said I was his angel and he needed me. He trusted me enough to show and tell me this. He trusts me enough to be a safe place for him.

So here I am sitting on the "ladies" car driving down the road. I'm wondering if this is tmi and all. I was scared that I might not be strong enough for this. But that was fleeting and I know I am.

I'm fighting for him now, not us. I will take on all comers who try to hurt him, and that includes me.


BH-SWAT70 Me-39
Three kids 11,6 and 3
He did file for divorce, the marriage will be ended 10/23/14.

Posts: 241 | Registered: May 2014
outtamymind
Member
Member # 33607
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, June 28th (Saturday)

I can't give you any advice SS. But I wish I had your strength. You're facing possibly the toughest road of your life and you're facing it with courage.

I admire you and wish you the best of luck.


Me: FWS 45

Divorced


Posts: 323 | Registered: Oct 2011
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, June 28th (Saturday)

Living very close to the coast of Maine, I can tell you the weather is beautiful right now. You and the fam should be in for a really nice week!


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
BrokenButTrying
Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, June 28th (Saturday)

Relax and enjoy the holiday with your family.

You are doing great, stay strong. We're all behind you.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1253 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
JanetS
Member
Member # 2766
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, June 28th (Saturday)

Seems to me that if you can handle SWAT's very emotional outburst, and still be feeling all of this pride and love for him today, you'll be able to handle any further issues that will pop up down the road.

Does it take some weight off of your shoulders to not have to worry if you can handle it. Because you did handle it, you were exceptional.

You two are so in love. You'll get this all behind you one day.

Only a couple of weeks ago it didn't seem that certain, did it?


Posts: 2594 | Registered: Nov 2003 | From: Niagara-on-the-Lake, Canada
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, June 29th (Sunday)

BS here.
I think that you are learning, SS, that an affair can be a clarifying event in a marriage that can totally open both people up. My H and I went through similar things after dday, where I opened up about things I didn't even realize I had kept from him. It can be a very powerful, healing, and growing time for both of you. Keep at it, and keep the faith.

It isn't that way for everyone, of course. I see evidence of much repression and rugsweeping in the other family affected by my husband's infidelity. So, you have a chance to grow and heal together. It looks like you are grabbing that brass ring. Good for you.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2065 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, June 29th (Sunday)

He trusted me enough to show and tell me this. He trusts me enough to be a safe place for him.
As a BH I cannot begin to tell you how important that is.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4000 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
SoSorry17
Member
Member # 43415
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, July 1st (Tuesday)

So far the vacation has been great. Nice weather and the people are so friendly. The house we are staying is amazing. Swat really went all out on this place, it is huge and probably is owned by someone super rich.

Swat is trying to eat lobster at every meal, not what I would consider breakfast food but what ever. Everyone is having a good time so far. Our kids and the nieces and nephew are having the most fun I think. "Daddy" aka uncle Swat is the biggest kid here and the ringleader of the heathen pack.

He has also made sure we have had some alone time. And he has allowed me to be very affectionate. Lots of hand holding, hugs and kisses. He is also starting to show more affection, just touching my back at the beach and stuff. It is very nice, but being intimate is something we haven't been is a very long time. I know it is because of my actions, but it is still difficult to take. But tonight is the night and I'm going for it. I'm hoping there will not be any triggers, but if there are, I'm hoping I can help him deal with them.


BH-SWAT70 Me-39
Three kids 11,6 and 3
He did file for divorce, the marriage will be ended 10/23/14.

Posts: 241 | Registered: May 2014
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, July 1st (Tuesday)

I really admire your positive attitude and your commitment to helping SWAT recover. With a bit of luck he can get over this temporary mental block and become super intimate once more.

Tonight hopefully; make sure you blow his socks off. He deserves lots of incredible lovin'.

Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
FrmrBH80124
Member
Member # 42967
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, July 1st (Tuesday)

Wishing you both the best and hope you have a great vacation.

Been following both of your threads and I'm pulling for you both!

Have fun!!!!


ME - BH 45
Her - XWS 30
D - April 2010 - never looked back and good riddance.
Happily remarried!

Though much is taken, much abides; and though we are not now that strength which in old days
moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are


Posts: 181 | Registered: Apr 2014
Topic Posts: 129