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Just Found Out
User Topic: Oh God! It's happened again...7 years later.
Shattered031307
Member
Member # 13986
Shocked  Posted: 7:23 AM, June 23rd (Monday)

NOW - today, just found that HE had forwarded pictures of this woman to one of his email addresses from his "WhatsApp" (a message service that we used as a family to communicate during the, nearly 3 years, he lived and worked in Saudia Arabia.) 1 pic is of them standing side-by-side "together" where he had cooked a turkey, others are her selfies and several of her with a vibrator "down there".

Last March, and since, I begged him (I've never done this in my marriage) to come home and quit his job in Saudi Arabia after nearly 3 years of being there because life was getting too hard with the kids, the house, cars, college, and my medical issues (chronic pain illness).

I am so upset and sad that the last three years of loneliness and desolation could have possibly had a brighter ending. Finished with a divorce and starting a new chapter. It has been such a long road for me, holding down the house that is too big to keep clean, completing all the repairs that he was supposed to do the year he sat on his butt after retirement, looking for a job. Saving up 12k to have new windows put in, saving 4,500k for a new a/c unit, one kid off to college, the other making stupid mistakes that require me to have to talk with the police. Getting caught up in the Target scandal, a new set of add this to your overfilled teaching plate, a new crazy boss AND a damn thief who stole the other debit card and went on a spending spree in 3 jurisdictions. Did I mention my surgery?! Yea, I've been very slow and bored, I needed my partner in life to just split me open and scrape me raw.


BW:43, WH:51 (worked in Saudi Arabia for the last 3 yrs), OW1-7 yrs ago, OW2-now (works in Saudi too) DD:19, DS:17, Married 18, together 20.
For me, it's not about her this time; the coward left the marriage 3 yrs ago & didn't tell me.

Posts: 213 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Virginia
Shattered031307
Member
Member # 13986
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, June 23rd (Monday)

An hour later and no one responds...ouch


BW:43, WH:51 (worked in Saudi Arabia for the last 3 yrs), OW1-7 yrs ago, OW2-now (works in Saudi too) DD:19, DS:17, Married 18, together 20.
For me, it's not about her this time; the coward left the marriage 3 yrs ago & didn't tell me.

Posts: 213 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Virginia
jo2love
Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, June 23rd (Monday)

(((((Shattered031307)))))

I'm so sorry. My heart aches for what you are going through. If I could, I'd hug you through the screen. Sending you strength and a shoulder to lean on.


Posts: 36458 | Registered: Mar 2011
StrongerOne
Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, June 23rd (Monday)

I'm sorry no one responded earlier, Shattered.

I don't have the same experience, but I know someone else will be along soon.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this again, and that your life has been so stressful aside from you WH's selfish cruel behavior. Can you take a few days off from work? Do you have anyone IRL to lean on?

Big hugs -- please let us know how you are doing. Be kind to yourself.


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 886 | Registered: Sep 2012
sunflowergirl30
Member
Member # 28979
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, June 23rd (Monday)

I have been a member since 2010. I havent posted much over the last few yrs. I mostly just read and lurk. I just wanted you to know I hear you and Im sorry for the pain you are feeling. I see others have commented now too.


Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.
Wh-lying, cheater now 37
Me- crazy bs now 38
2 teens and a dog
Mow- married old whore now 50


1st D-day EA w/mow our realtor 4-?-2007, 2nd D-day PA w/ same mow 5-29-2010


Posts: 1109 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Pacific Northwest
ineedtoleave
Member
Member # 29332
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, June 23rd (Monday)

I'm so sorry (((Shattered)))..... He's not who you thought he was, and he certainly doesn't have your back. You deserve someone who will love and cherish you... and it's not him. I lived on my own for 3 years before I met WH, and believe me, I miss them. Think of the freedom of no worry from that direction. Let it go. We're here for you!


BS(me)-52
WH-59
OW-43(married ex-Co-worker)
Married 6 yrs
DD#1: 3/19/10
DD#2: 5/11/10
Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.

Posts: 963 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Arizona
imagoodwitch
Member
Member # 23375
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, June 23rd (Monday)

((((Shattered))))

This is something we BS' fear.

So is she there with him?

I can only tell you what I would do, lawyer up, now.

It stinks when you realize you wasted you time trying to R with someone who wasn't committed to you.

You deserve better, much better.


I am just your ordinary average everyday sane psycho supergoddess - Liz Phair

Don't keep dancing with the Devil and wonder why you are still in Hell.

It's all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits.


Posts: 5482 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Munchkinland
inknots
Member
Member # 22132
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, June 23rd (Monday)

I am so sorry. I don't know your story. Did he go to IC originally? Is this the same OW from 7 years ago? Is she in Saudi Arabia? I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you have always been in the marriage alone, doing everything by yourself.

Posts: 911 | Registered: Dec 2008
BelleStar
Member
Member # 13515
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, June 23rd (Monday)

I am sooo sorry you are back here. I had the same expierence and now looking back, I wish I never gave him a second chance. My health and well being took a hit after the 1st one and I totaly wasted my time hoping he'd get his head out of his ass.

If there is a bright side, I don't have to worry about anyone but me now!


Posts: 1127 | Registered: Feb 2007
kiki1
Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, June 23rd (Monday)

((((shattered))))

FTG


Posts: 682 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, June 23rd (Monday)

(((Shattered)))

It is extremely painful to go through this once, I can't imagine a second go round.

But try to think of the positive things you have now.
1. You will get that tumor of a soul sucking spouse excised from your life, and it will most likely have a positive impact on your overall health.

2. You have proven to yourself and everyone else that you CAN and Will survive on your own, with him being gone.

3. You can now focus on you, your kids, and getting strong and healthy with no need to feel guilt, or manipulations.

It hurts like hell we all know that, perhaps it's time to sit down, and make the To Do list for the next week.

Remember to be kind to you. Eat, Hydrate, Sleep. Do one nice thing for yourself every day.

((((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8790 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
hopefull77
Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, June 23rd (Monday)

I am sorry you find yourself here needing support again....but I feel you know what you need to do....
I wish you strength and peace...you and your kids FIRST


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 06-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 676 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
steppingup
Member
Member # 42650
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, June 23rd (Monday)

I know exactly how you feel. Unrepentant cheaters are the Devil's poision gift to mankind, so much pain and destruction comes from the cheater's life and there is little we can do about it. Begging, nope only gives them power. Trying to reason with them, nope you cannot reason with people that are slaves to their feelings and have small egos that must be constantly feed. Im so sorry for you, I wish I was the only one that had to feel this pain, it is beyond describable. My wife saids she is sorry that she hurt me deeply, she cannot fathom the pain, it cannot be calculated or measured. The way it changes us, makes us into new creatures, new creatures that need new spouses that really love us and dont just say it while they are cheating behind our backs. Wishing you a strong and healthful personal recovery. God bless you and your children as you navigate this unforture.


Her (WW 40s) Me (BH, 40s) very young DS & DD

"If you are a side dish, and you become their spouse, just remember, the side dish position is open again" - Foolme1


Posts: 646 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CALI
theroadahead
Member
Member # 43334
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, June 23rd (Monday)

((((Shattered)))) I am so sorry you are going through this. You deserve so much better. Sending you strength.


Me: BW(45)
Him: WH (45)
4 kids
Married 22 years

D-Day #1 March 2002- 4 month EA and PA with co -worker
D-Day #2 March 2012 - inappropriate relationship with co-worker

In R


Posts: 58 | Registered: May 2014 | From: New England
tabitha95
Member
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, June 23rd (Monday)

I had a second d-day a few years later. I was pissed off that I wasted those years as the only person working on the marriage, but it also gave me a reason to get out of an unhappy situation knowing that I did everything I could to fix the marriage. I would have felt like a failure if I hadn't at least tried...so when I put it in to perspective for myself (and my kids), I stopped feeling like the time was wasted. After d-day 2, I was free and I have used the last three years to start over and find me again.

Whatever you decide to do, do it this time for YOU. Not for the marriage, not for the kids, not for your POS WH.


BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3250 | Registered: Dec 2008
StillStanding1
Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, June 23rd (Monday)

This is a BS's worst nightmare. I have no good advice, just want to say I am so very sorry you are in this situation.

You deserve better. I hope you will get out and find it. Time for extra high-heeled bitch boots.

You are worthy of so much more. Believe that.


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 740 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
Tearsoflove
Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, June 23rd (Monday)

I, too, had a second dday 7 years after the first. In both cases, my husband was gone during his affairs. The first time, it was a one year military tour in another country. While I was getting bills paid down, taking care of three kids, and trying to complete a college degree, he was partying it up, going through money like water, and sleeping with a girl only a little older than our kids who had already slept with several of his coworkers before he got there. Thanks for the HPV, whore! But I digress.

The second affair was 5 years after he retired and while he was sent to another state for the military contractor he now worked for. Despite us discussing where we were and my concerns about his having another affair and his assuring me that it would never happen again, he was in an affair within 3 weeks of arriving in that state.

The first time, I knew something was wrong as soon as he was home on leave and he couldn't look me in the eye, maintain an erection, or tell me he loved me. The second time, I had absolutely no clue he had cheated until I got a call at work from her husband. He even looked me in the eye and promised he never slept with her. He definitely got better at lying over seven years.

After the first affair, I sought help for my issues that he convinced me caused his affair. He assured me that it happened because I was too controlling and he never got to make any decisions. His behavior was so uncharacteristic, I knew he was really thinking about ending our marriage. I saw the therapist for "my issues" for as long as I was able to. My husband told me afterward, he never expected me to work so hard. I had some good reasons. I was afraid of losing my husband and I sure as hell wasn't going to let the OW win.

We did everything he wanted to keep him happy. I believed that I'd been such a tyrant that he'd never gotten anything so now he was getting everything. New motorcycle. Check. New home where he wanted it. Check. Huge garage at new home. Check. New tools for huge garage. Check.

What did he do to figure out why he cheated and how to prevent it in the future? Nothing really. He said the superficial words but he didn't read a book, see a counselor, or even do a google search.

Fast forward to affair number two. I was home taking care of everything, again. Right after he left, our insurance company said certain things had to be fixed at our house or they were dropping us. I used power tools for the first time in my life. While I was trying to figure out how to replace bad wood and close in a door he'd taken out, he was beginning his affair. This time, it hurt but I wasn't shocked. I already knew he was capable. He tried to pull the same crap and said "You're too controlling and I never get to make any decisions." I said "Really? Then you should get down on your knees and thank me because you have a lot of nice shit for someone who never made a decision." When he tried the "You're trying to pick my friends" (because at that time, he was insisting he hadn't slept with OW), I told him he could have all the friends he wanted. He just couldn't do that and be married to me. I told him he had terrible boundaries with women and I wasn't tolerating anymore female friendships. And I told him that, this time, he was going to do the work or I was done. I was not letting him blame his bad behavior on me this time. This time, I wasn't afraid of losing him and there was no competition with the OW. She had her own marriage to worry about and she was just a piece of ass.

I don't know what to tell you to fix this, Shattered. Don't let him blame you. He made his choices knowing you were home taking care of everything. That makes him a dog and you one hell of a catch. Instead of him appreciating you holding it all together, he took advantage of it. If you're going to reconcile, make him do the work. If my husband hadn't, I wouldn't still be here. I didn't want to be in the same place in another seven years. And if mine ever does it again, I'm done. One of the things mine always feared was the scorched earth behind me when I'm pissed off. I'll light it all on fire on my way out the door before I'll let him have any of it if he does this to me again.


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4265 | Registered: Sep 2005
seethelight
Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, June 23rd (Monday)

Don't let him blame you.

I agree with this, absolutely do not allow him to blameshift.


He made his choices knowing you were home taking care of everything. That makes him a dog and you one hell of a catch.

Yes. Do not allow him to blamehift and damage your self esteem.

Instead of him appreciating you holding it all together, he took advantage of it. If you're going to reconcile, make him do the work.

Exactly.



“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1516 | Registered: May 2014
goingthru
New Member
Member # 43648
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, June 23rd (Monday)

I'm so sorry, Shattered. It sounds like you've been dealing with so much, alone. I'm sorry he hasn't been there for you and he's betrayed you again.

I know what it's like to Wish and Hope that the man you Think is there will come back when you really need him.

Don't beat yourself up over coulda/woulda/shoulda's. It sounds like you know what you have to do now to move forward today. You can't change the past.

I hope you are in IC and have some support to get through all of this, one day at a time. In my experience, waiting on help that will never come is worse than any hardship that you will have to experience alone. I hope you can stay strong, take care of yourself, and keep the focus on yourself and your kids.


Me: BS 40
Him: WH 42
M 14 years, together 20
DS 8 and DD 6
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 30 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: New York
shygirl07
Member
Member # 42972
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, June 23rd (Monday)

Sorry no one posted earlier, it sounds like life is testing you right now but if he were a stand up man he would be there by your side instead of letting this happen and not beign there to support you,... after my devastating break up, my car was totaled , I dealt with some major debt from the past, etc etc but you will make it through with or without this selfish loser... big hugs to you


me:27
him:30
7 years together
no children

OW was his ex he always convinced was his friend .. moved in her and knocked her up , got together behind my back


Ddays : many in 2009 and 2010
final dday : Sept 2012 after being broken up 3 w


Posts: 73 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: CA
Shattered031307
Member
Member # 13986
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, June 23rd (Monday)

Thank you all for your responses - I am not one to be childish as I was in my second post. At least not out loud.

I slept for half the day because I was up all night looking for evidence. I do not think that I want to reconcile this time around. Nothing is in stone but that just doesn't seem a wise thing thing to do when I've been in hell for the last 3 years and he has done this again . You ladies gave me some great sport and some important things to think about. I haven't confronted him yet and don't plan to unt I leave I file. I do not want revenge or to take himy to the cleaners, I just want out in a way that my kids are loved and as unaffected as possible. I'm off work for now...this is very good. Thanks for the support and I'm sorry I was snotty.


BW:43, WH:51 (worked in Saudi Arabia for the last 3 yrs), OW1-7 yrs ago, OW2-now (works in Saudi too) DD:19, DS:17, Married 18, together 20.
For me, it's not about her this time; the coward left the marriage 3 yrs ago & didn't tell me.

Posts: 213 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Virginia
Shattered031307
Member
Member # 13986
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, June 23rd (Monday)

D-Day... I forced him to tell me about the OW...long lengthy process...he met her and has been with her for over 2 years, she even lives with him. He said he has been unhappy since the first affair 8 years ago and that he feels "we've been done" since then. I am gut-punched. That weak son of evil couldnt just end it.....I openly gave him chances for a divorce. So, I could have this part of my life well on to a new course. I'm digusted and saddened by my culpability.

I will survive and prevail. Prayers to all of us in the club.


BW:43, WH:51 (worked in Saudi Arabia for the last 3 yrs), OW1-7 yrs ago, OW2-now (works in Saudi too) DD:19, DS:17, Married 18, together 20.
For me, it's not about her this time; the coward left the marriage 3 yrs ago & didn't tell me.

Posts: 213 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Virginia
saturnpatrick
Member
Member # 35989
Default  Posted: 1:18 AM, June 24th (Tuesday)

I am gut-punched just reading this. Good luck Shattered. I don't think I would R given your circumstances either.


BH
I typo therefore I edit.

Posts: 198 | Registered: Jun 2012
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 2:06 AM, June 24th (Tuesday)

(((hugs))) so very selfish of him. I am sorry. You will get through this, you know that right? There is no shame in what you did, trying to make it work and believing he was worthy of a second chance. I am so sorry he was not worthy. NOT your shame to bear.

And nothing snotty for feeling ignored when you are hurting. You have every right to your feelings and to voice them!!!

((more hugs))


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5907 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
brokeninfl
Member
Member # 21896
Default  Posted: 5:25 AM, June 24th (Tuesday)

I am so sorry (((((Shattered)))))


He said he has been unhappy since the first affair 8 years ago and that he feels "we've been done" since then.

I wanted to throw something when I read this -- it is the height of selfishness. If you were really "done" he should have left - like a man with honor would do. This kind of justification makes my head spin.

One silver lining - because you've been on your own for so long - you know you can stand on your own two feet and handle anything that life thows at you -- that gives you power. I'm so so sorry you are going through this again.

I'm digusted and saddened by my culpability

No! This is not on you! You gave him a gift -- he chose to lie, and betray you. That is a problem with HIM not you. You made the best desisions you could make at the time. Now you know more - and can choose a different path if that's what you want.


"On the other side of fear lies freedom"

Me - 36 BS
Him - doesn't matter
2 DS
DD 11/08
Divorced.


Posts: 1074 | Registered: Dec 2008
Jomarion
Member
Member # 43659
Default  Posted: 6:00 AM, June 24th (Tuesday)

I cannot imagine what it must be like for you, Shattered. Any one of those things you are going through in and of themselves are enough to take the very breath out of anybody.

I am sorry to say this, and I don't usually, but he is a totally insensitive SHIT.

The geographical distance between you two must make it very very hard for you, I cannot imagine.

One thing that I can offer that helped me when I have been in trauma (I had a child, a still born, whom I carried dead inside me, and gave birth to my dead child at home, alone) And in my unimaginable grief and anger afterwards, this helped me:

I wrote down three things each day I was grateful for. Very brief, took almost no time. It was always little things : the slant of light on a puddle in the street, the smile of a child I saw in the shop, the way my dog wagged his tail when I came home. Sometimes really stupid stuff. And years later, when I read those lists, I remember the pain, but I also remember the little, almost insignificant good things that were in my life at that very same time. And they helped me to heal, those little things.

There is still peace inside of you, waiting to comfort. You will survive this.

My prayers are with you.


me:BGF, 54, American immigrant. one son. me and my ex get along great, the most amicable split imaginable!
him:WBF,43, Polish immigrant
together since 2006,
DDay:October28,2009,after his 3 teen kids push him to cheat with OW.
5 betrayed me

Posts: 192 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: UK
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, June 24th (Tuesday)

(((Shattered)))

He is quite broken. I hope you can see through the pain, and start making you and your kids your priority now.

(((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8790 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
inknots
Member
Member # 22132
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, June 24th (Tuesday)

Oh Shattered, I am so sorry. This is behind despicable. What a cruel, cowardly thing for him to do. You are worth so much more and I believe that once you are free from him, life is going to lead you places where you can find the happiness you deserve.

Posts: 911 | Registered: Dec 2008
Shattered031307
Member
Member # 13986
Content  Posted: 10:09 PM, June 25th (Wednesday)

Oh, my cup runneth over with so many of your responses. Thank you all. The clarity your words open up in my head and ease the dreadful pain in my chest are so helpful. I keep reading them over and over. Many have especially touched me at different times today - as I seem to be speed-spiraling through emotional stages over and over - I will soon get a more personal message out again.

For now, I feel 50% better than the last 24 hours. THAT is huge! I think I may just breathe for a while and be glad in an unswollen face for the time being.

Thank you all, my beautiful friends.


BW:43, WH:51 (worked in Saudi Arabia for the last 3 yrs), OW1-7 yrs ago, OW2-now (works in Saudi too) DD:19, DS:17, Married 18, together 20.
For me, it's not about her this time; the coward left the marriage 3 yrs ago & didn't tell me.

Posts: 213 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Virginia
hardtimesinlife
Member
Member # 10468
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, June 25th (Wednesday)

Hang in there Shattered.

Your H is one selfish man. I'm sorry you had to deal with this. False R sucks, as you well know. I hope the very best for you and I'm glad you can give a 50% smile. Not to be negative but keep in mind the roller coaster. It might go up and down a bit for you. Just keep reading and posting, OK?

Big hugs.


Ddays 2004 & 2007
I cut my losses mid 2013
Feeling happier every day :)

Posts: 6156 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Florida
Williesmom
Member
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, June 26th (Thursday)

((shattered))

I'm sorry that this is happening again. I also had a 2nd D-Day that was 2 years after the first - it was so very painful.

However, it gave me the ability to know that I had given the marriage everything that I could, and that he was truly screwed up.

Hang in there. Eat, drink, and make yourself a priority in your life.


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7818 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Topic Posts: 31