User Topic: The OW was a BS herself
Member # 42662
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, June 24th (Tuesday)

This past weekend I got into a back and forth texting thing with the OW. yes, it was a bad idea. It was the first time I responded to any of her messages. I just got tired of her repeatedly breaking the NC agreement. I politely asked her to knock it off.

At first she agreed but then 10 minutes later she released a torrent of crazy, angry, texts where she said awful things and shared details meant to hurt me. I knew it all already, but she didn't know that. But the kicker was when she implied I was weak and stupid for staying with WH since he is a hopeless low down dirty dog who did her wrong, and she knows this because SHE HERSELF left her former husband for CHEATING ON HER. WTF??!!

I'm not "with" my husband, so she wasted all that "advice" LOL, but.... Did this chick just say she had been on the other side of this before as the cheated on wife, but still went on to spend years trying to get someone else's husband to leave his wife and kids for HER? It was like she didn't even realize what she was saying. Not to mention calling a guy an evil dog that will never change and only a weak woman would stay with when you were just sending a text begging him to come back to you 10 minutes before.

I do not get this mentality. I just don't. Why are people so stupid and crazy and just... ugh.

Okay, end vent. LOL

[This message edited by ShellyShell at 11:47 AM, June 24th (Tuesday)]

Posts: 97 | Registered: Mar 2014
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)

She sounds like a special kind of crazy. If I were you I'd block her number.

Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)

Yep. My xBFF/OW had been betrayed by her BH before they "opened" their marriage. I was the shoulder she cried upon.

But you see they're special. The rules don't apply to them. What a slunt.

Just block her and go back to NC. She's not worth the effort of a reply.

Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.

Posts: 1943 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)

he is a hopeless low down dirty dog
If your WH is that ^^, what does that make her? Idiot.

Unleash the crickets, honey.

You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana

Posts: 26070 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)


I spent some time lurking on OW boards, trying to make sense out of this all (I know, I know...futile, right?). That was a common theme on those boards - that the BW is a weak, kept woman who won't LET the WS go to his true love and who is afraid of the "truth." When the WS doesn't "choose" OW, then there are a slew of vituperative posts about how the BS and WS deserve each other in their dysfunctional relationship. Yeah, because an A is such a functional relationship.

Whatever. I used to read there and after 10 minutes I would feel disoriented, like my head was reeling. I thought, "My God, this is what my WS meant when he said he was 'confused' during the A": the justifications and disordered thinking in affairyland are truly crazy-making. Then I would come back on SI and the sanity was such a relief.

Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1797 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
New Member
Member # 43373
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)

What a Wack-a-doodle.

Married for 19 years
Me: 44, BW
Him: 53, WH
2 teenagers
D-Day: 5/7/14
Taking it one day at a time...

Posts: 22 | Registered: May 2014
Member # 40264
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)

I guess this is common. My sisters friend is currently an OW. She justifies because her husband treated her horribly.

How can anyone justify causing that kind of pain for another BS because of the shitty treatment by their spouse? That's some looney bullsh*t.

I'm a BS and I would NEVER want to hurt another person the way I hurt after Dday.

Selfish assholes.

Me-BW Him - WH
Married 6 years, together 13+ years
D-Day Summer 2013
If it is what it is then what is it?

**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**

Posts: 384 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 42662
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)

I can't copy and paste on my iPad so I'll just reply to everyone without quoting. My apologies in advance!

To those who suggested it.. She's been blocked before but when she is, she just calls from a friend's phone. SMH. She just keeps finding new numbers to use. I sent the one reply text and then after the first angry torrent, I sent another polite reply saying that I knew everything already and there was no need to talk further. After that I stopped replying. I have no intention of ever talking to her again. I learned my lesson.

Lyonese, that sounds exactly right. As soon as she wasn't "chosen", it became all about how bad he is and how her only sin was believing his lies. She made herself sound like innocent trusting lamb preyed upon by the evil pervert, and I was too stupid to leave the monster (unlike her and her ex) and how all we cared about was appearances and she was going to out him to the world. Meanwhile there is a library of texts and emails from her to him from every single time he tried to end it, offering him no strings attached sex, three ways, begging him to come back and be "friends", inventing crisises so he would call her, etc. as far as I am concerned, they were both scumbags together. Funny he wasn't evil until I told her I knew all that had happened and that she really needed to knock it off because I didn't want to have to press charges.

Now she's asking us to forgive her on social media so maybe she's finally giving up. But somehow I think she'll be back. Sigh.

Posts: 97 | Registered: Mar 2014
Member # 43549
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)

My WH's OW was also a BS...her own husband had an affair and left her for the other woman a couple of years previous to the start of her A with my WH. I just cannot comprehend it. I wouldn't inflict this upon my worst enemy, not before and certainly not now!! I can't even imagine what she must have told herself to justify it. Maybe she is just at war with all women because one stole her own H. I don't know. It destroyed my faith in humanity that a BS can turn OW I can tell you!!

Posts: 95 | Registered: May 2014 | From: UK
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)

My WS's ow was also a bs plus since she had a restraining order, prob dv too. According to my WS, her ex was violent crazy cheater. So why would she knowingly hurt another family, is a mystery to me. I wonder sometimes if their domestics were because she was the cheater, not that the punishment fits the crime, but who knows. They are all liars.
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank

Posts: 5235 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)

Another chapter in the book on crazy.

Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.

Posts: 1582 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
Member # 41347
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)

This is the most puzzling to me. The pain they go through and they would cause it to someone else. It's like they don't care anymore and they are going to get what they want just like the X got what they want...

It is just bizarre. I was hurt by an affair, so years later I am going to go and have an affair with someone.

If I was to find out years later that the woman I thought I was "dating" was already married.
1. I am calling BH.
2. I am telling him what has gone on and give him this site as a resource.
3. I would tell him I no longer will reach out to him or WW.

I am now nothing by a mere Ronin.

Posts: 1041 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Maryland
New Member
Member # 37539
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)

The ow in my situation has an pintrest page dedicated to homewreckers. She titled it to all my ex's girlfriends. There is even a pin on there that says "If his marriage was over long before he met you then why was he still married and living with his wife? Truth he's a liar and you are a hoe" But of course she insisted to my fwh that our separation had nothing to do with her. After she asked him to leave me. Lol It just shows how entitled and stupid they are. Its only different when it happens to them. Then every one else is so mean. I don't understand these people at all. I love how she calls herself a hoe though.

BS(Me) 32
SAWH (Beaker) 35
Married 11 Years
Dday Oct 06 2012
Dday 2 February 19 2014
Confessed to getting blow jobs from
prostitutes in 2006 and while living with OW
PA/EA 1 year
In r
2 children under 10
Working on faith everyday.

Posts: 46 | Registered: Nov 2012
Member # 42546
Default  Posted: 6:44 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)

My WH Ow was also a BS. In fact her divorce became final during the A. I listened as she complained bc her OW was her neighbor and she still had to see her frequently. She also has a pinterest board dedicated to "cheaters and liars" and how terrible they are. It's right next to the board that chronicles her A with my H. I think some people are just lacking genuine empathy. If it isn't happening to them it doesn't matter. Sad, sad way to live your life if you ask me.

Me: 44
Him: 39
DD: 1/5/14 (the final one)
Trying to recover

Posts: 181 | Registered: Feb 2014
Member # 22752
Default  Posted: 1:46 AM, June 25th (Wednesday)

My ex's current OW was a BS and the dynamic they set up basically mirrors an affair.

We were not officially together but I was totally unaware he was dating. When I found out we even sat down to talk about how the kids visitation would work and such..

Long story short, she is just as damaged if not more so than my EX. they are two broken people, damaged from rejection from their former partners and seek.

If they never healed and worked on themselves to figure out how/what/etc etc went wrong in their marriage they will get caught up in another destructive relationship.

My ex lied to her from the start, when I clarified some things she still stayed even after swearing she would never be with a man who cheated or betrayed women. She is hanging on for dear life, it has affected our co-parenting tremendously.

I don't care about him in that way, I was still working on healing me and figuring out how to co-parent(parallel) with a NPD(my ex) but she is NUTSO.

I know that rejection is ROUGH and can destroy people and for some THIS time/relationship- they are the ones that want to be picked.

I know my ex's fiancee(going on 4mos of meeting-hehe) feels she won the grand prize. Little does she know, jokes on her

Posts: 859 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: CA
Member # 19772
Default  Posted: 2:08 AM, June 25th (Wednesday)

XWH told me his OW was also a BW at one time. I suspect this was a lie to garner "sympathy" for OW.

I say because I don't know how a once BS could follow through, doing this to another person/family if you truly went through this yourself.

Posts: 14411 | Registered: Jun 2008
Member # 43549
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, June 25th (Wednesday)

This is the most puzzling to me. The pain they go through and they would cause it to someone else. It's like they don't care anymore and they are going to get what they want just like the X got what they want...


And perhaps an element of feeling special and chosen over the BS during the A after being betrayed themselves?? Temporarily at least, until the WS throws them under the bus when the shit hits the fan!!

Posts: 95 | Registered: May 2014 | From: UK
Member # 41901
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, June 25th (Wednesday)

My WH OW was also a BS. She tried to give me a sob story that she wanted what I had (she stalked me on FB) and she never had what I had and her husband was a drug user and didn't care ab cheating on her. She told me that my WH loved me because he was so careful (whatever that means) My question to her is if this has happened to her and she knows how it feels why the hell would she do it to someone else? She just said she didnt know she was lonely and my WH gave her attention.

Me-33 WS-34
Pregnant & 2 year old sweet baby girl
Together 15 years Married 5 years
D-day #1 - 12/25/13 TT D-day #2 - 1/3/13 admitted to 3 year affair with co worker

Posts: 114 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 40624
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, June 25th (Wednesday)

My WH was a BS spouse in his last marriage. Nearly killed him when his ex-wife cheated and left him for another man. Said he didn't understand how she could do that to their daughter.

Still didn't stop him from carrying on a LTA and trying to destroy MY world and the safety and security of our TWO daughters.

Posts: 193 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From:
Member # 42662
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, June 25th (Wednesday)

Wow. Thanks for all your stories. So the lesson here is: cheaters suck, and often are hypocrites to boot. Amazing. I don't think I will even understand that mentality and part of me is quite glad.

Posts: 97 | Registered: Mar 2014
Member # 42952
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, June 25th (Wednesday)

There is this sense that all blind spouses are innocent victims who have better morals and standards than the WS. The reality is there are BS who just didnt cheat because they never got their chance. There are Bs who maybe never considered hurting others until they themselves were hurt and then their low self esteem from their WS actions led them down the wrong path too. I think it becomes too easy to generalize all BS as innocent victims. We are all innocent of the WS crimes against us in that those were the WS choices...but that doesnt make us all good people. I hope that doesnt offend anyone, I think its just too easy to generalize all Bs are selfless and thoughtful of others. The reality is there are many BS out there who will justify doing this to someone else once its been dpne tp them, there are plenty of BS who will feel so insecure and beat down by the As and unable to heal that they choose to be selfish and hurt others as well...ive often wondered if the OW in my case were like this since they were all M as well, they are less likely to be on a support forum trying to heal themselves IMO but they do exist.

Dday July 2013
Me: BW mid 30s
Him: WH mid 30s
4PAs, multiple online As

Posts: 765 | Registered: Mar 2014
Member # 42972
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, June 25th (Wednesday)

This girl sounds crazy and psychotic..
she is hurt and nuts so she wants to bring you down
to her lame level and she sees you are handling this with grace so she is probably jealous..

When I told the wayward ex boyfriends ex gf turned gf again all behind my back, that he was a cheater and a liar (which she ALREADY KNEW) i remmebered her years ago telling me that he had lied a lot to her it may not have been about other women like with me but regardless he lied. I couldnt understand how I was sitting there telling her, hey he still hasnt changed not 10 years ago when he dated u not the 7 years when hes been with me , she tells me she knew i deserved better .. YET YOUR DATING THE SAME PERSON THAT YOU SAY I DESERVE BETTER OVER??????? these women sure dont like when it happens to them .. this scroundel even deleted her fb when it happened because she was scared to face me. but she sure wasnt scared to be with him. ok now im ranting but you seem like a woman of eloquence and grace , this loser probably envies your life and you !

7 years together
no children

OW was his ex he always convinced was his friend .. moved in her and knocked her up , got together behind my back

Ddays : many in 2009 and 2010
final dday : Sept 2012 after being broken up 3 w

Posts: 73 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: CA
Member # 42662
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, June 25th (Wednesday)

The reality is there are BS who just didnt cheat because they never got their chance. There are Bs who maybe never considered hurting others until they themselves were hurt and then their low self esteem from their WS actions led them down the wrong path too. I think it becomes too easy to generalize all BS as innocent victims. We are all innocent of the WS crimes against us in that those were the WS choices...but that doesnt make us all good people

Thank you! That is great insight and makes perfect sense. I really appreciate your post.


but you seem like a woman of eloquence and grace

I think in real life I'm probably more a woman of wine and sarcasm, but I'll take any compliments I can get! Thanks LOL!

Posts: 97 | Registered: Mar 2014
New Member
Member # 41932
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, June 25th (Wednesday)

XWH told me his OW was also a BW at one time. I suspect this was a lie to garner "sympathy" for OW.

I found this to be true with the OW in our situation. She 'said' she was betrayed by her XH when he was on his deployment and she was STAHM. Hmmmm so then if that is true why would she do the same thing while I was on my deployment, while my FWH was the stay at home spouse??? One would think that another knowing what that pain was like, wouldn't create pain for another. Oh the lack of empathy!

What we found out to be the truth....OW lied. Gee big surprise! OW did the betrayal on her deployed XH but painted a MUCH different picture. So as for believing them to be formerly betrayed themselves? I believe either they have zero empathy or are seriously damaged. But its my 2 pennies worth.

BW(me)44 / WH 36
DS (13)
Married 15 years
Affair 2 month EA/ 1 week PA
DDay 7/18/12
In R since Aug12; true R for him Oct13.

Posts: 14 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Virginia
Topic Posts: 24