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Just Found Out
User Topic: One week
9374ABC
New Member
Member # 43856
Question  Posted: 1:16 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)

I hired a Private Investigator, and he just confirmed my suspicions about my WS, pictures included. Now I'm stuck on what to do. I will confront WS, and ask her to tell me in her own words what is going on, why, in love with OP, etc. Although evidence came today, I've known for a week now, and its been the worst week of my life. I've had two visits with a therapist, which helped tremendously, but otherwise have told no one. I've come to the decision that I want to attempt to salvage our marriage. The OP also happens to be my WS's boss. WS is very career oriented, and has a high profile job, and I am afraid she will tell me she wants to stay and work on our marriage just to avoid her being embarrassed in her career. Not sure how to believe/trust her.

Posts: 12 | Registered: Jun 2014
9374ABC
New Member
Member # 43856
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)

Original poster here: if it matters, we've been together 11 years, married 7

Posts: 12 | Registered: Jun 2014
abbycadabby
Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)

The saying around here seems to be welcome to the best club no one ever wants to join. It is so true. Someone much better than me will come along shortly with good, solid advice. I just wanted to let you know you'd been heard. Check out the healing library. Don't make any decisions yet about the future of your marriage- your emotions will be allllll over the place; it can be best described as a roller coaster during this time. Take care of yourself. Get to your doctor and have yourself tested for STDs. Continue therapy. Consult an attorney just so you're informed of your rights, even if you think at this point that you want to reconcile with your WW. Stay hydrated and try to eat when you're able.

Hugs
(((9374ABC)))

[This message edited by abbycadabby at 1:33 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 1248 | Registered: Feb 2010
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)

Abby's right on all counts.

I admire you - you've been able to keep quiet and keep your cool, knowing all along the evidence was coming soon that would substantiate your suspicions of her affair.

I, too, strongly suggest you go to a lawyer.

Knowledge is POWER, OP. Make sure you have all your ducks in a row before you blow this wide open. Yes, I know you want to reconcile, but it could go in so many possibly different ways and knowing exactly what your rights are and what you could expect if it came to a separation/divorce would be a huge advantage.

Good luck to you.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1748 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
painpaingoaway
Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)

Personally, I would not say anything to your wife just yet. I would take the evidence to her boss/OP, and tell him he is to break it off with her immediately, with no explanation to her as to why. If he attempts any further contact with her, or if he tells her why he is breaking it off, you will immediately take the evidence to his wife.

I would hide a VAR in your wife's car, and sit back and watch how things unfold. Then, based on what you hear on the recorder, proceed in whatever way you choose.


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7056 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
Alonelyagain
Member
Member # 32820
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)

Is boss married? If so, it is possible that he would drop your WW in order to save his M. From what I've read here, that's very eye opening to WW's . Also, where does boss fit in , in the job hierarchy? If there are higher-ups above him, and OM is not the owner, he could be at risk of being fired. This likewise may cause him to drop WW if you disclose.

Posts: 108 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: New Jersey
WeepingBuddhist
Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)

If you can keep it together for a little while longer, make time to see an attorney so you know what your options are before you discuss this with your wife. If you can talk with an IC, you might be able to find some grounding. You've been traumatized and making a decision while you're brain is trying to process this hurt is going to be tough. Get the professionals in to help you.


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 562 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
Tred
Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)

9374,

Welcome to SI. You've been given some great advice - I would definitely see a lawyer so you know all of your options. Knowledge is power. Also, you said:

I've come to the decision that I want to attempt to salvage our marriage.

It takes two to reconcile after infidelity. Hopefully your wife will be on the same page. Have you thought of any conditions for reconciliation (R)? Such as no contact (NC) with AP, complete transparency, individual counseling (IC), marriage counseling (MC), access to all e-mail, cell phones, etc?

R isn't easy. It's a roller coaster from hell for a long time for a lot of folks. I wish you the best of luck.

Edited to add (ETA): Out the boss to his wife. She deserves to know, and exposure means there will be two sets of eyes to make sure they don't take the affair underground.

[This message edited by Tred at 2:08 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)]


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3910 | Registered: Dec 2011
Schadenfreude
Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)

The boss is an idiot. Imagine putting your marriage and job in jeopardy for a little strange. Not to mention handing over your power to AP who could sue if any adverse job actions are ever taken against her.

However, approaching him successfully depends on him never telling WW that you approached him and told him to quit e A immediately or else W would be told. Sort of sounds like blackmail to me.

Besides, you'd be guaranteed a WW still deep in the fog and deeply mourning the loss of the new love of her life. R, your goal, is difficult enough without added layers of complication.

Simply confronting her and giving her the I choice of marriage to you or continued A for her pushes her decision. You can't control it, but at least you'll immediately learn what she is thinking.

Read the Healinf Library and the thread labelled 20/20 Hindsight which by now is probably on page 2. And read those threads marked by targets on the left which are probably on page 2 also by now. They are best for newcomers and summarize the tens of thousands of experiences of those down this road before you.

One final thought. If she is career oriented, tell her hat screwing the boss is not generally a great career move in e profession unless it's who're in a brothhel like Cathouse on HBO..

Good luck with this mess and keep posting.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
9374ABC
New Member
Member # 43856
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)

Thank you to all for the great advice. I think I will indeed consult an attorney before confronting WS.

As per some of the questions, her Boss is married, but at this point I do not want to let his wife know just yet. I don't know her or anything about their marriage. I don't how she would react if at all. They could have an open marriage for all I know. I do know that if we were to try to reconcile, then I don't want someone (OP's wife) who could come in and add more drama then there already is into the situation.

Someone posted that i should confront her Boss. I'm still considering that option, but I don't think it make any difference in helping with reconciliation. It's my wife who needs to own up to her actions and agree to move forward. Her boss breaks it off doesn't automatically fix our marriage or really make me feel any better. The damage has been done.

When I first found out a week ago, I experienced all of the symptoms I've read from others here: nausea, loss of appetite, trouble breathing, knotted stomach. I feel better now. I can eat finally, and can even manage a couple of hours of sleep some nights. Their affair is still on my mind every minute of the day, but I'm feeling more numb than anything. That seems abnormal to me, as if I should be in more pain they way I was when I first found out. The strangest thing is that I'm looking forward to seeing her when she gets back from her fake work trip. I can't understand why, but last weekend, even having learned of the affair just a few days earlier, we had a fun weekend together. I can honestly say I enjoyed being with her even knowing what was going on. That maybe drives me more crazy than anything else- why the hell is it that the one thing that makes me feel better is to be around her?


Posts: 12 | Registered: Jun 2014
crisp
Member
Member # 34236
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)

It is way too early to know if reconciliation is possible. While R may be the ideal situation, it is not possible unless she will be an active participant. Even more so, she will have to lead if a true and successful R is to happen.

You are shell shocked and heartbroken. You will have many many emotions between now and when you eventually heal. R may be the last thing you want a few days, a few weeks or a few months from now. A lot depends on how remorseful she will be and how much she works to make you feel safe.

One thing I must emphasize now is do not come on as a weak spouse willing to do all it takes to win her back, even if that is how you feel now. Read as much as you can from the healing library since knowledge is power. My heart breaks for you.


Endeavor to persevere. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=csEzTwKemwY

Posts: 382 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: NE US
Alonelyagain
Member
Member # 32820
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)

9374ABC, I experienced the same physical conditions that you're experiencing now. With respect to MY job performance, the lack of sleep and resulting lack of focus were most damaging. I didn't get more than a couple of hours sleep a night until I started taking a kickboxing class. After the first class, I was able to sleep through the night for the first time after PI confirmed my suspicions. I recommend that you do any form of strenuous exercise; it does help. I chose kickboxing because it let me vent my aggression.

Posts: 108 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: New Jersey
crisp
Member
Member # 34236
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)

Alone is right on about physical exercise. It does not matter what kind. If you are a long distant runner or can do laps at the pool good for you and get on it. I envy those people that can get in an exercise zone. Not me--I was the explosive athlete in my youth who played college ball and enjoyed the explosive rush but hated the endurance stuff. What worked for me was hiking mountains.

Whatever it takes and whatever works for you do it. You will find sleep easier and feel better.


Endeavor to persevere. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=csEzTwKemwY

Posts: 382 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: NE US
Dawn58
Member
Member # 37656
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)

You've had some great advice. Do avail yourself to the Healing Library, post here often. The emotional roller coaster ride is rough. Please speak with an attorney so you know all the options available to you. Glad you are in therapy.

The only other advice I can give, is to listen to her actions, not her words. I found that my WS would throw out a few carrots for me, to keep me entangled. His actions made it crystal clear to me the action I needed to take.

You will hear people tell you that it takes time. That was so hard for me to hear, because the pain was so overwhelming at times. You will find an inner reserve of strength that will carry you through the next few minutes, hours, days and weeks.

I am so sorry that you are here.


I got into the marriage, because I loved him. I got out of the marriage, because I love me.

Posts: 468 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Southern California
ReunitePangea
Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)

9374ABC - I am sorry you are here.

I know this is not easy but you are at a critical point in seeing how this will go forward. It sounds like you have clear evidence but have not confronted yet. It also sounds like you would like to offer R to your WW. I too wanted R after finding out, I think that is an ok position to take but I think it is important to think how you plan to conduct the confrontation with your WW.

I think it is ok to tell your WW you are willing to offer her R but you can not do it being weak or needy. You need to be strong and firm. Think about expectations you have for your WW in order to go foward and make those clear to her. Normally NC is one of these conditions, given that her AP is her boss you need to think about that. You say your WW is very career oriented, how will she feel if one of your conditions is to quit her high profile job?

There are people on SI who have dealt with co-worker A's and they are not easy. I don't think you will be successful in R if he is still her boss. Also don't forget that you have an HR card that you can play on this guy as well.

When presenting your evidence you may not want to tell her all of your evidence. Your WW has lied to you, you have no idea how deep her lies go. You may want to hold back some evidence to help confirm her story. You need to present enough evidence so that she clearly knows that the gig is up though.

Again I am sorry you are here but be strong. You are in the power position though that is hard to see right now given how much she has hurt you. You have evidence and the type of affair you are dealing with has HR consequences for the boss and your WW, they both have much too lose in both careers and family. Be strong and get what you need out of your confrontation.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 477 | Registered: Nov 2012
craig2001
Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)

9374 - It sounds like you are thinking clearly and have some good thoughts. See the lawyer as soon as possible and determine what your rights are and what you should do, such as closing joint accounts.

Because you have no idea how your wife will react or what she and the OM have planned, if anything.

I agree with you that it is up to your wife to own her own stuff. Confronting the boss before you wife is advice I have never heard of before and I think that is just prolonging talking to your wife...which obviously is most important.

Confront your wife soon as you have talked to the lawyer. See what she has to say and how she reacts.

You will then have a much better understanding of the path you should take.

Also, keep documenting everything you can. Texts, VAR if you think that will help and her hours late home from work.

The sooner you confront your wife the better, she might get her own gut feeling that you already know. Which means she could have time to come up with excuses and lies.

It is better to confront them when they have no idea you know. The WS has no time to think of excuses.


Posts: 3912 | Registered: Jun 2002
Gotmegood
Member
Member # 41407
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)

ABC- For what it's worth: you sound like a guy who is very together and are handling this most personal trauma exceedingly well. Your strength shows. Starting therapy, hiring a PI and planning to see an attorney to get info are all excellent moves. Here's my 2 cents: inform the OM's wife. As a betrayed spouse myself, I feel for her. She deserves to know. You mention that they may have an 'open marriage'. Maybe so, although I highly doubt it, and in which case she can simply inform you of that fact. Most BS's who at first resist informing the other BS do so because they are afraid of 'pushing' the affair couple closer together, or appearing mean and vengeful and 'not nice'. Examine your reasons for not wanting the TRUTH out there, and the secrets and deception to STOP. I Am pretty sure of one thing: you will have a better position if you have your ducks in a row before confrontation. Legal facts, facts from your PI, a list of immediate changes demanded of your WW (firm NC, full and complete transparency, pack your bags, all truth out now....whatever theses things are for you). Use your strength well. You will have the element of surprise on your side. Also, I would not do much of the talking, ie, do not immediately offer R. Listen to her. Make her talk, make her talk some more, and you do a lot of listening. Best luck, and sorry for your pain.


Me: faithful wife 62.
Him: WH 64 , prostitute 20 yr old
DDay: 8-13-2013
Status: boinging up and down like a yo-yo

Posts: 462 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Florida
9374ABC
New Member
Member # 43856
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)

I think now what I'm most mixed up about is how to handle confronting my WS with the info that I know about her affair. Should this initial confrontation just be a quick talk, like "I know you're sleeping with your boss, and I need some time to think our marriage through" or should I press her right away for as much info as possible- not only about the affair, but also her thoughts on our marriage and her feelings about me?

Posts: 12 | Registered: Jun 2014
Dyokemm
Member
Member # 40254
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)

Sorry you have to go through this trauma...it sucks.

Based on your original post, I feel you are possibly about to make several crucial errors, however.

You seem to be reacting out of fear of losing your M.

I sense this from your fear and excuses for not exposing POS to his BW and at work.

That coupled with your statement about only wanting to be around her tells me that you are terrified she will leave the M if you expose the A and blow it up.

In reality, exposing the A is the BEST chance you have to save the M.

It is imperative you end the A ASAP if you want any chance at R...and the best way to do that is to blow this POS's world up and make the bastard scramble to save his own ass.

He will instantly have to worry about losing both his family and his job...the most likely result will be that he will drop the A with your WW and run while throwing her under the bus.

That's good because it will show your WW what a manipulative loser this POS truly is, rather than the fantasy Mr. Wonderful she sees right now.

Your fear is causing your to view his BW as a potential problem or threat...in fact, she will almost undoubtedly prove to be your biggest ally in ending the A.

Stop thinking and reacting out of fear and start fighting for your M now or you are never going to get a chance for R.

[This message edited by Dyokemm at 6:06 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 54 | Registered: Aug 2013
craig2001
Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 6:26 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)

I think now what I'm most mixed up about is how to handle confronting my WS
When I had enough evidence, I just looked at my wife and asked her to explain to me about her and so and so.

The look on her face was total shock.

My guess is that if you shock her with the info, that she has no idea you know, do not really expect a mature discussion about the future.

She could be defensive as hell and say all kinds of BS things. Mainly to hide her shock and extreme embarrassment.

I would talk to her then and there, mainly to find out as much as you can, before she has time to warn the OM, before she has time to think up excuses and lies.

But confrontation is usually not the time to calmly discuss the future.

Pick a time when you and her will have a good amount of time to talk without interruption. Tell her you need to talk to her and then just ask her to explain to you what in the hell is going on between her and OM boss.

She might start out saying, nothing is going on. Then you show you SOME evidence at that time, but not all of it.

Tell her you know and lying about it now is a waste of time.

Do not tell her how you know. Keep your avenues open for more snooping later as you probably will need to.

I want to add, let her talk. Try and do all of the listening. When there is a pause, let her continue. Try to learn as much as you can. It can be very hard not to ask 1000 questions. Let her talk. You might consider having a hidden VAR during this confrontation. So as she cannot go back on the things she admits to and says.

Because as time goes on, she might decide not to talk. Or when she tells the OM, he might instruct her not to talk.

Sometimes the initial confrontation is the best time to get important info. You never know how the next days are going to go.

[This message edited by craig2001 at 6:31 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 3912 | Registered: Jun 2002
9374ABC
New Member
Member # 43856
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)

Dyokemm- thanks for your comments. After reading what you said and thinking more about the situation, you are right. I am acting based on fear of losing my M. Thanks for helping me see that

Posts: 12 | Registered: Jun 2014
Badhurt
Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)

Dyokemm and Craig gave you good advice. You do not talk about your future when you confront her. You tell her there may not be a future if she is not truthful with you and be prepared for a very defensive reaction. If possible do not reveal all your proof at once. When she initially lies, and she will, give her a taste of what you have
You will not nice her back and I am glad you posted that you realize that. You cannot win if you are scared shitless of her

Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
RealityBlows
New Member
Member # 41108
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)

Great advice to you so far. I wanted to touch on something you mentioned earlier that is very important:
I can't understand why, but last weekend, even having learned of the affair just a few days earlier, we had a fun weekend together. I can honestly say I enjoyed being with her even knowing what was going on. That maybe drives me more crazy than anything else

Your mind is mourning a perceived/actual loss. You may find yourself wanting for her-terribly, at times. There are a lot of psychological reasons for this and it results in something called "Hysterical Bonding (HB)". You will hear this term often and can learn more about it in the healing library. It's not necessarily a bad thing but-if unchecked, can affect judgement and could lead to begging, clingy-ness, whining, and basically putting yourself in a compromising, undignified and ultimately unattractive position. Show extreme heart break-as you should. Tell her you still deeply love her-as you always have, but assure her that YOU WILL NOT hesitate to protect yourself from further harm and abuse. It is amazing the effect this attitude has on the WS. Many grow to love, appreciate and respect their BS more than before the affair. It's been said, "If you want to keep her, you must be willing to lose her."

There has been some great advise here on how to confront. Not showing all your cards is important. Just give her the bits of information you need to get her talking. Let her do all the talking. Give her a chance to be forthcoming. MAKE HER FEEL SAFE TO TELL THE TRUTH. This will take tremendous control because as the truth comes in you will become quite emotional. Tell her if she is interested in reconciling you will need to know EVERYTHING.

In my case I was compelled to confront ASAP. As soon as I had sufficient evidence. I felt I needed to do this for damage control. I felt the longer I waited the more invested in the relationship they would become. My behavior was already very much affected, I became cold and I didn't want to drive her further into the AP's arms. On confrontation day you will need to lay down the law (Absolute NC, total transparency, full disclosure, etc.) It's all in the healing library.

Stick with this site. It has helped me far more than the IC/MC sessions I have received. In some cases I feel the input I got here is way ahead of what we got in session.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 8:42 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 37 | Registered: Oct 2013
Gotmegood
Member
Member # 41407
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)

ABC- Unless your WW runs out of the room, I can't quite envision a confrontation with a philandering spouse turning into a "quick talk". Craig and Dyoke, in my opinion, gave good advise. Show SOME of your cards. Make her talk, you listen. Do not divulge your sources. As I said before, reconsider ratting out the OM to his wife, whether or not you think he may be in an open marriage. His wife may not know she is in an open marriage...think about that. Remember, you are after truth. All deception, sneakiness and lies have to end. Again, good luck.


Me: faithful wife 62.
Him: WH 64 , prostitute 20 yr old
DDay: 8-13-2013
Status: boinging up and down like a yo-yo

Posts: 462 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Florida
ZedLeppelin
Member
Member # 40895
Default  Posted: 2:13 AM, June 25th (Wednesday)

Sorry for your pain. However!!! Although it may not seem like it, you are in strong position whilst your wife continues to roam around in fantasy land thinking she has the upper hand.

1. You know your wife has a boyfriend.
2. You know who that person is.
3. You have not confronted her yet.
4. You have proof.

What makes this difficult period slightly better for you is that her boyfriend is her boss. I despise the whole suing culture, but this gives you leverage. Depending on the size of the company and the position of the OM, the threat of a lawsuit would have to be taken very seriously in today's economic environment (again, depending on the company). I know of a few cases where the OM had to be sacked because the board simply did not want the hassle of having to deal with his personal problems. In one case the BH was also paid off in return for not publicly exposing the company for employing the OM (public perception in a relatively small area is very important).

For the above, go see a lawyer and see what your options are. ****DO NOT THREATEN THE COMPANY ON YOUR OWN**** Lawyer first!

However, that still doesn't solve your wife. The harsh reality is that your wife has chosen to be in a relationship with another man. Reconciliation should only be attempted if both are 100% committed to it. If this were me, this is how i would do it:

1. Get tested for STDs and look after yourself. Go to IC if you need to. There is no shame in this.
2. Continue playing 'dumb husband'
3. Lawyer up!
4. File for divorce. (Divorce is a process, it is not an event - you can always cancel it later if there is enough remorse).
5. Do not confront her. When she is served she will know you mean business.
6. Expose her to her parents and tell her to stay with them for now. Begin 180.
7. If you and your lawyer have agreed on a plan for the OM/company, put it in motion. The OM's wife deserves to know.
8. Sit back, relax and get try to get better.
9. If your wife has shown enough remorse, then begin mapping out a plan for reconciliation on YOUR terms.

However you are also left with a dilemma. If you already plan on divorcing her it is very likely that she will lose her job which could affect alimony etc. Then exposing her at work, may not be the best idea.


Posts: 176 | Registered: Oct 2013
jb3199
Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 5:50 AM, June 25th (Wednesday)

9374,

As crushed and confused as you are at the moment, things are going to want to spin out of control when you confront your wife. While what I am proposing to you is MUCH easier said than done, it can save you much hardship down the road.

The bottom line is that you can not control your wife. But you can control your actions---and this is crucial.

You need to be in control. You need to be as cool, calm, and collected as you possibly can. You need to put your fears aside(I know, this is the hardest part) when you confront. I am a huge fan of initial shock and awe...and it can be done without the appearance of losing control.

First step--see a lawyer, and learn your rights.

Second step--confront your wife. Like craig2001 and others suggested, in a calm conversation. While you may tell her that you would like to possibly work through this, you must also let her know that you are willing to walk away if she is non-committal to reconciliation.

Third step--inform the other man's wife...virtually simultaneous with confronting your wife. There are two reasons for doing this--(1) it is the right thing to do. She may very well be wondering why her marriage is falling apart. And while you may be the bearer of bad news, you are not the cause of this. THE OTHER MAN INSERTED HIMSELF INTO YOUR MARRIAGE--WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT. The other reason is (2) that exposure helps kill an affair. Affairs thrive in secrecy, and the more light that is exposed on them, the less attractive they appear.

You need to take these steps from an appearance of strength, even if it is eating you up inside. You can ask any member here--a wayward mindset sees heartbreak, weakness and pain as unattractive. Strength is what will have the most effect---I guarantee it.

As much as you want to save your marriage, understand that divorce is NOT the worst option. Living with an actively cheating spouse is. Being a backup plan is. Being looked at with disrespect and pity is.

And I am sorry to say this, but right now, that is how she views you. She needed to do this in her own mind to justify her unacceptable behavior. It is the literal icing to the cake---we are demonized to enable their behavior.

But it is also fantasy-based. It is untrue. And you need to show her that.

Be strong. Be decisive. It is the best chance of saving your marriage. And even if your marriage does not make it, the strength that you practicing, will help your healing towards the future.

You can do this.


BH-46
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2052 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
Alonelyagain
Member
Member # 32820
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, June 25th (Wednesday)

As much as you want to save your marriage, understand that divorce is NOT the worst option. Living with an actively cheating spouse is. Being a backup plan is. Being looked at with disrespect and pity is.

And I am sorry to say this, but right now, that is how she views you. She needed to do this in her own mind to justify her unacceptable behavior. It is the literal icing to the cake---we are demonized to enable their behavior.

9374ABC: This phase, which you will encounter after confrontation, is the most bewildering and aggravating to BS's. It's called the fog. The WS has rewritten their entire marital history in their mind in order to internally justify their A . Your response will likely be WTF, that's not how I remember it. Be forewarned, logical rebuttals will not work on a WS. However, disclosure to OM's wife and your WW being dropped by OM will likely pull your WW out of the fog. Good luck and try to stay calm.


Posts: 108 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: New Jersey
sportsfan
Member
Member # 9918
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, June 25th (Wednesday)

9374 - you began a thread here in JFO yesterday asking about should / how / when to confront but almost immediately started another thread in Recon a about “taking first steps toward recovery”. Did you already confront?

Even if you did confront IMHO you might want to consider remaining in JFO for a while.


Posts: 1947 | Registered: Feb 2006 | From: PA
9374ABC
New Member
Member # 43856
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, June 26th (Thursday)

Sportsfan- no have not confronted yet. Will do that this weekend after consulting an attorney tomorrow. I posted in Recovery forum just because that seemed like the logical place to get an answer to some questions on my mind.

Appreciate everyone's advice. This site has been a tremendous help.


Posts: 12 | Registered: Jun 2014
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, June 26th (Thursday)

I just wanted to post in the 'tell OM's wife' camp. Keeping his secret is enabling the A to continue. If you're the only one that knows, it's easy to hide. Most A's end when both BSs are aware.

Also, if your marriage is to have any real shot, she needs to find a new job, or at least transfer in her existing company. The two of them cannot continue to work together. They just can't. It leaves the door wide open to continuing the A right under your nose. You will never feel safe with her working with him all day, every day. I don't care how career oriented she is - the decision needs to be made - her marriage or her job.

Also - on telling OBS, if she had been the one to discover this A, would you want her to tell you, or would you prefer not to know? Almost always, the BS says they want to know, even though it's so painful. So, if you would want to know, please don't assume she doesn't, or that they have an open marriage. You know the odds of that are quite low. You deserved the truth. So does OBS. Please keep that in mind.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Schadenfreude
Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, June 26th (Thursday)

A couple of other tips.

First, the confrontation isn't about you offering R to her because you still love her, etc. You can tell her you are willing to consider
working on the marriage IF SHE IS and does the following: (List of Your Must Haves)

Second, DO NOT engage her in a why did this A happen debate as you'll probably learn her revisionist marital history which IS NOT THE ISSUE for this meeting. Getting her to tell you about the A while she is still in shock is on the agenda, however. No doubt she'll want to "discuss" that with you to blame shift. Don't enable her. The issue is what happened, not why; and here are my demands if you want me to consider R with you......can you agree to these or not.....

Third, DO NOT tell her you will tell AP's BW, She'll contact AP and they'll concoct a story that you're crazy and accuse lots of others of having A with wife, etc., to make AP's BW question whether you're telling the truth. Don't even discuss AP's BW now.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
9374ABC
New Member
Member # 43856
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, June 28th (Saturday)

I had the confrontation last night, and it went better than I could have possibly imagined. My WS was extremely remorseful and told me everything. She took full responsibility for the affair and put none of the blame on me. She immediately offered marriage counseling and individual therapy for herself. We obviously have a long way to go in our relationship, and there will still be a lot of trust issues that we will have to work through. I'm not naive, and I understand that her actions, not words, will be the true measure of her commitment to reconciliation, but I am hopeful for the future. After nearly two weeks, I finally was able to sleep. I had no idea how much it would help getting it all out in the open.

I can't express enough how grateful I am to everyone here for their support and advice. Thank you sincerely.


Posts: 12 | Registered: Jun 2014
nuance
Member
Member # 28793
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, June 28th (Saturday)

Will she quit her job?


Dday May 2000. R'ed.
People suck.

Posts: 1205 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: California
Schadenfreude
Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, June 28th (Saturday)

Done properly it works. You did it properly. Of
Course it helps to have a remorseful spouse.

She's got a lot
Of self examination to do and much explaining and apologizing to you.

Glad you said actions over words.

Can NC begin now?

Do you tell OBS?


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
9374ABC
New Member
Member # 43856
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, June 28th (Saturday)

No, I have not told spouse of OM, but WS did offer to quit her job on Monday before I even brought it up.

Posts: 12 | Registered: Jun 2014
Uhtred
Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, June 28th (Saturday)

You've been through quite a bit here friend. Good for you for confronting her. Did she agree to no contact? Has she written a letter approved by you or made a phone call in your presence? These steps need to be taken. I really hope that you inform the wife of the boss for many reasons. Having 2 pairs of eyes on the situation will help in case the affair goes underground which is a huge possibility. She deserves to be informed about the present state of her marriage and any future plans she may be making with an undeserving partner. It's a lot to take in but you need to strike while the iron is hot. I wish you the best of luck and hope that reconciliation goes well.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 599 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
Jduff
Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, June 28th (Saturday)

Well, this is at least hopeful considering the quick turn around of the situation. Make sure you BOTH do that NC letter/e-mail. Make sure his spouse knows and that you have full transparency from her on phones, computers, accounts. Doing both will help police the NC. She lost her privacy but you lost your trust in her. Just know that it can take 2-5 yrs to work this through. The roller coaster still ain't over yet as you will have triggers, questions, and mind movies to work through. I still suggest getting your ducks in a row to show that you expect nothing less than her full effort in earning that R. It is a gift.
You can still communicate and go to counseling together but she needs to understand the marriage has changed and you both will change from this experience. She not only has to fix her broken but also help you heal.

First task for her is to write a timeline of her A for you. Hopefully this will help her for her own personal therapy as well.


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 475 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
jb3199
Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, June 29th (Sunday)

You have handled yourself very well so far. You are much stronger than I ever was at your timeframe. Don't be afraid to give yourself an occasional "mental-pat-on-the-back" every now and then.

You are correct that the hard work starts now. The one huge thing that you have going for you, is a wife that appears to want to save the marriage. It is important that actions are being taken while everything is still fresh.

I would suggest IC for her...with a counselor experienced in infidelity. Same with the MC. Don't be afraid to shop around for one that makes you feel comfortable.

I would also suggest a few books that you can both read together. Communication is key in the rebuilding process, and dealing with this head-on is the best chance for future success. If you feel comfortable in time, you may even suggest that your wife join this site.

The bottom line is: Commitment + Hard Work = Best Chance of Success.

Good luck.


BH-46
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2052 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
Schadenfreude
Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, June 29th (Sunday)

You are about the only guy who has had a 100% remorseful wife who Is offering all the right things. I wonder if she didn't want to end the A with her boss using your discovery as an excuse. It just seems to good to be true, based on what helps other members have gone through.

Get a timeline. Ask questions. You need to know what sets her off on the infidelity path if you remain married. So you can recognize the symptoms should they start in the future.

Story to be Mr Negative but forewarned is forearmed.

[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 8:20 PM, June 29th (Sunday)]


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
craig2001
Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, June 29th (Sunday)

It just seems to good to be true, based on what helps other members have gone through.
It is terrible we are cynical because of what we have gone through.

But is wife is the perfect fWW and doing everything 100% right.

So perfect as to be scary.


Posts: 3912 | Registered: Jun 2002
MC_Jack
Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, June 29th (Sunday)

My WW responded in the same way. She wanted out of the A on some level, so when I found out, she complied with the requirements.

Still wasn't easy though - the toxic shit in her bead still had to come out, so I had to listen to months and months of nonsense as the 'why' was ascertained.


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" because I like the Music City. I did know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 867 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Mountain West
UneasyFeelings
Member
Member # 42292
Default  Posted: 3:07 AM, June 30th (Monday)

I wish you the very best in this shitty situation that our so called love one's put us into.

Hopefully, your situation isn't too good to be true.


Posts: 104 | Registered: Jan 2014
Mac4
Member
Member # 43122
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, June 30th (Monday)

ABC it sounds like you handled things as well as could be expected. Like MC Jack as well, my WW responded the same way. Seems she had tried to end the A, was riddled with guilt but still couldn't walk away. Almost like a drug addict.

We are working on R, which is a struggle, but will hopefully pay off in the end with an improved M. In the reconcilliation section at the top there is a thread on positive R stories, I find this helpful when I'm down. Best of luck as you work to repair your M, keep posting, keep reading, and take care of yourself the road ahead is long.


BS me 41
WW 42
Married 11 years
R for now I guess
DD 9 & DS 8
DDay 2 (PA) - March 3rd, 2014
DDay 1 (EA) - July 2nd, 2011

Posts: 93 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
9374ABC
New Member
Member # 43856
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, June 30th (Monday)

Thanks for everyone's support and well wishes. We start MC this week, and she sent her no contact letter this morning. I've also asked her to sign a Reconciliation Agreement that my attorney is drafting up.


Interesting fact for those of you in the "just found out" phase: in many states (mine included) if you have sex with your spouse after you become knowledgeable of the affair, it can be considered in the eyes of the court as "condoning the affair." So to keep your legal options open and favorable to your situation; DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH YOUR SPOUSE until you consult an attorney and are advised of your options.

I also appreciate the commentors who advised on the "shock and awe" strategy of confrontation. Having all the proof in hand and laying it all on the table gave no room for BS excuses or fiction.


Posts: 12 | Registered: Jun 2014
Topic Posts: 44