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Reconciliation
User Topic: NC advice
EyesForward
New Member
Member # 42930
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)

My BW and I are well into reconciliation and it is going well. I did not write a NC letter because we did not think it was necessary. The last time I talked to the AP she told me not to contact her again unless I told her the marriage was over. Knowing that she had also blocked me from communicating with her, I figured that was the end of any contact with her.

Then months later, I receive a message, asking me to answer a question about why I chose to return to my marriage. The message implies she's in a new relationship. My wife saw the message before I did.

I have not responded. We will discuss this with our therapist, but I'd like to hear about any similar situations, and advice on how to react. I feel that this is an overture to further contact and possibly an attempt to get an emotional response out of me. Should we now write a NC letter before this goes any farther? Or should we just ignore her question and try to prevent any future attempts at contact?


Posts: 3 | Registered: Mar 2014
goingthru
New Member
Member # 43648
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)

I can only speak from my own experience, but our stories are different: when I asked my WH to send a NC letter or email, he refused, saying it was unnecessary, and then continued to communicate with her. I saw many texts come in from the OW over several months, and each one felt like a punch to the gut. It brought all the dday memories flooding back. I imagine your wife probably felt similarly when she saw the message come through.

Perhaps I'm biased, but it seems terribly selfish and disrespectful for this woman to contact you, and I agree that the she is most likely trying to connect with you emotionally.

I wanted my WH to take the lead and show respect for the marriage, and for my feelings, by clearly communicating with the OW that he wants absolutely no contact.

I'm glad R is going well for you. I can't speak from direct experience, but again, because it is what I wish my WH had done, and because it could have saved me a load of heartache during a painful-enough time, I think you should send a NC request response to the OW, with the permission of your wife, so that this doesn't happen again and you can keep the focus where it belongs: on her, on yourself, and on the marriage.


Me: BS 40
Him: WH 42
M 14 years, together 20
DS 8 and DD 6
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 30 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: New York
annb
Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)

My WH did not send an NC letter, but he did call OW in front of me to ensure that there would be NC.

OW tried baiting him several times by sending bogus emails (very obvious it was her), he did not respond. Crickets.

It took about a year, and she finally stopped.

Personally, I would ignore her, any attempt by you to contact her would be a breach of NC and disrespectful to your wife.

You and your wife need to team up and come up with a plan in case AP tries to contact you through other sources.


Posts: 7516 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
MissMouseMo
Member
Member # 38562
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, June 24th (Tuesday)

Since you didn't send a NC originally, I think it would be appropriate for BOTH of you to send one this time - crickets to the question / engaging behavior.


It is the gut-wrenching, down-to-your-soul honesty that helps so much. ~paraphrased from CancunCrushed
"I edit, therefore I am." -BionicGal

Posts: 288 | Registered: Feb 2013
JT4588
Member
Member # 42971
Default  Posted: 12:14 AM, June 25th (Wednesday)

There are the old adages of "the silence is deafening" and "sometimes silence says it all." I'd live by that - forget a NC letter. She is trying to rope him back in emotionally. Simply do not respond in any way.

Our MC said she is certain the OW will try to contact my husband in the future and she told him he was not to have any interaction with the OW period. That he should not engage with her in any fashion - even if he were to run into her on the street and I'm not there. He is to simply walk away with no response. If she follows him, he should run. She's fat so she couldn't keep up with him anyway. He actually told me that he half expects her to show up on our doorstep sometime and if she did he would tell her "Fuck You" and slam the door. He sent a very brief NC email when the shit first hit the fan. When she persisted he sent a more lengthy email with a little more force in it. We haven't heard from her again YET but nothing would surprise me with her - she's a nutcase.

Anyway, I say no need to follow up. Let his silence say everything to her. That will send a clear message.


Posts: 71 | Registered: Apr 2014
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, June 25th (Wednesday)

Since she sent you an NC letter, I wouldn't think you needed to send one yourself.

At this point, I see 2 main options: 1) silence, and 2) an NC letter from you.

The trouble with silence is that if she used electronic messaging, she might think her message or your response was lost.

Especially if she writes again, you might respond, 'I received your message(s). I am responding only to say explicitly: I will not contact you again, and I ask you not to contact me again.'


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10057 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, June 25th (Wednesday)

Since she has contacted you, I think writing her a NC email right now is appropriate.

Nothing too wordy. No window into your life, or your marriage. Short and to the point.

"Do not ever contact me again, in any way. If you see me, do not approach me. Any further contact will result in a restraining order."

Or something similar.

You write it...and ask your BW if it is acceptable, and then you send it together.

Then..if she does contact you again, go for the restraining order. Or have your attorney send her a strongly worded "stay away" letter.

That usually does the trick.

I urge you to do this right away. Every time OW attempts contact, it will hurt your BW.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7393 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
EyesForward
New Member
Member # 42930
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, June 25th (Wednesday)

Thank you all for your comments. They have been very helpful for my wife and I. I have written a "no contact" response, and we are still deciding whether to send it. We want to discuss in counseling first. However we are also afraid that a NC request will generate additional contact attempts.

I do feel the AP's contact was a very selfish and inappropriate act. And we do have a plan in place in case there is an attempt at in-person contact.

I have already and continue to take measures to ensure I don't receive any electronic messages in the future, but my wife has not. Have any BS received messages from the AP after contact with the WS has been terminated?


Posts: 3 | Registered: Mar 2014
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, June 25th (Wednesday)

I understand that you are worried it will cause her to continue to try and make contact. But she is making contact anyway.

The NC message is a clear statement to OW. It lets her know she is not welcome in your life. It also sends a clear message to the BS. It shows action...positive action(and being proactive is so important to a BS)..on the part of the WS in repairing the damage their affair caused. I feel the NC email is more needed by the BS than the message it sends to the OW.

In the end, you can't control what OW does. You can take legal action if necessary.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7393 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
goingthru
New Member
Member # 43648
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, June 26th (Thursday)

There are pros and cons to sending a NC letter, but as a BS, I agree that in my case it would have been more for my benefit, as a reassurance that my husband was "on my side" (as he claimed to be, but I didn't know if I could trust him). I think it's fantastic that you and your wife are working as a team here and that you are focusing on reconciliation and the marriage.

You can't control the OW, but as long as YOU maintain NC and focus on your wife and marriage, then what the OW does really doesn't matter, IMHO.

I sent NC requests to both of my WH's APs. One responded that she would only honor my WH's NC, not mine, but she didn't attempt to contact him again after I sent my letter. The other never responded to my NC request but continued to contact my WH for a few months after the A ended. However, my husband never sent a NC letter, so mine just looked rather pathetic and didn't carry much weight with these women.

Good luck and keep up the good work! Best wishes for both of you.


Me: BS 40
Him: WH 42
M 14 years, together 20
DS 8 and DD 6
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 30 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: New York
CaughtUnawares
New Member
Member # 43879
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, July 7th (Monday)

I am the BS in this case. EyesForward is my WH.

Thank you all for your replies. Since originally posting, we have discussed this in MC. Our counselor agrees with our strategy of no response at all for now. We all think that she was most likely just trying to elicit some sort of a response from one of us, so any response would just add fuel to the fire.

If she does try to contact either of us again, we can always send a NC letter at that point.

I am very happy with EyesForward for his effort to work with me on a joint response (or lack thereof). It shows me that he cares about me and our reconciliation.


Me: BS 32
Him: WH 32
Married since 2005
Two kids
DDay: 1/21/2014

Posts: 1 | Registered: Jun 2014
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, July 7th (Monday)

You both realize she has no right to ask nor to receive an answer to that question , right?


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4899 | Registered: Dec 2010
Topic Posts: 12