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User Topic: Do you discuss your IC?
stunnedmullet
Member
Member # 42975
Default  Posted: 12:08 AM, June 26th (Thursday)

Do you and you ws discuss what you cover at IC?


DD April Fools Day 2014 (unfortunately no joke)

BS (me) 40
WH 38
OW - a friend of WH for 5 years

4 month EA which turned into a 5 month PA

Us together 20 years, married 17 and 6 kids

I always thought I was enough but obviously not!


Posts: 186 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
Lark
Member
Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 1:09 AM, June 26th (Thursday)

I haven't started my IC yet (had to do MC first, so scheduling tomorrow)
I plan to discuss it with my husband. I had very bad PPD after our older was born and did counseling with my psychiatrist during it. I told my husband the basics but felt embarrassed to go into details... we both have a hard time communicating deep feelings.

I would rather not follow that road again and this time I want to work on improving our communication, including those hard-to-express and hard-to-hear things.

We'll see how I feel once we start IC. But right now I plan to. If nothing else, this whole shithole of a nightmare is teaching me to voice up my feelings, my thoughts, my emotions in a constructive way. He mindgamed and gaslighted me for a long time into thinking my thoughts were insecurities or trying to take away things that were fun for him, like the "gym." If he truly wants to R, he's going to have to see, accept, and appreciate a new side of me. I'm finding it powerful when I can put emotions/thoughts into words.


"Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul." - William Ernest Henley

Posts: 517 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
stunnedmullet
Member
Member # 42975
Default  Posted: 5:15 AM, June 26th (Thursday)

Thanks for your reply. I agree, I am trying to be more open with my feelings as avoidance has done neither of us any good.

WH had IC today and I wish he would tell me more of what went on. I guess I want to know that the IC is not brushing off the A like our first MC did but not sure if he wants to discuss it. I hope he starts to share more of his feelings too otherwise I don't think this will work :(

I just hate this whole mess


DD April Fools Day 2014 (unfortunately no joke)

BS (me) 40
WH 38
OW - a friend of WH for 5 years

4 month EA which turned into a 5 month PA

Us together 20 years, married 17 and 6 kids

I always thought I was enough but obviously not!


Posts: 186 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
OakStreet
Member
Member # 41193
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, June 26th (Thursday)

My WH and I (after Dday 1):

Each attended IC
Went to MC
Quit MC (when I discovered he took it underground)
Now each in IC
Will soon go back to MC (maybe)

We DO discuss what took place in IC - well maybe not ALL of it, but I think WH is forthcoming. I'm not impressed with my IC, so I may quit this week and wait for MC.

I discovered that during WH's IC, he and the counselor were discussing MY feelings, MY triggers and MY pain and anger over the A. I called BULLSHIT on that - IC was to work on him and what makes him "entitled".

Can't believe I had to turn his and the counselor's attention to HIM.



Me: 58
Him: 65
Married: 21 years (well, we'll say 19 now!).
One son: 19, 2 adult stepdaughters
DDay: Oct. 14, 2013
18 month EA/PA with COW
Dday #2: 4/16/14 - took it underground for 5 months.
Haven't decided on outcome.

Posts: 433 | Registered: Nov 2013
DrJekyll
Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, June 26th (Thursday)

My BS and I discuss everything that happens in IC. In fact she is going to start attending my IC sessions with me. I have nothing to hide. Nothing that I would not share with her. For myself, it is a no brainer. But that may not work with everyone.


Moving from Jekyll the destroyer to Jekyll the rebuilder.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

no stop sign = BS always welcome
I do not PM with women


Posts: 605 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
stunnedmullet
Member
Member # 42975
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, June 26th (Thursday)

Good on you Dr Jekyll, I am sure that helps your BS knowing you are happy to share your IC sessions with her. I think after the kidsafe in bed I might bring it up and ask how it went.

Thanks for your replies


DD April Fools Day 2014 (unfortunately no joke)

BS (me) 40
WH 38
OW - a friend of WH for 5 years

4 month EA which turned into a 5 month PA

Us together 20 years, married 17 and 6 kids

I always thought I was enough but obviously not!


Posts: 186 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
tearingaway
Member
Member # 28618
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, June 26th (Thursday)

My WW always wants to know everything discussed at my IC. I think it is insecurity on her part. I tend to not give tons of information to her. I just discuss things generally with her.

Posts: 324 | Registered: May 2010
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, June 26th (Thursday)

Caution: check your motivation for sharing. If you are in a CoD counter D cycle.....it may be repeating unhealthy patterns.

If you are a part of a healthy interconnected M then it's healthy motivation to share. 'Course, if you are "that couple"....why in therapy at all? 😊

God is with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3661 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
heme
Member
Member # 40684
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, June 26th (Thursday)

WH doesn't share much of what the counselor and him talk about. Im not in IC (personal reasons) but if I was I don't think Id talk about it because WH hasn't shown himself trustworthy. I was in IC at one time and found that he talked about what I told him with his family/friends.


BS: Me (30)
WS: Husband (31)
Married 8 years, together 9
D-Day: Sept 10, 2013
D-Day2: May 31, 2014
Children: 5, ages 7, 5, 3, 1 and due in September

Leaning towards leaving, no one deserves this pain.


Posts: 205 | Registered: Sep 2013
Didact
Member
Member # 42867
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, June 26th (Thursday)

We share some, perhaps most of what is said.

There is a (hopefully healthy) level of insecurity at not knowing everything that's said. I'm not sure that there could be full healing without the ability to open up and say things that perhaps the other spouse wouldn't love to hear.

Jokingly, she refers to my IC as "Weekly Wife Bashing" and I refer to her IC as "Rug Sweeping Lessons." I know the former isn't true, and suspect the latter isn't as well.


No matter how painful, life either adapts or it dies.

BH (Me) 49
WW 48
Married 1985
D-Day Mar 19, 2014
1 year passionate EA/PA, ended by me on d-day.
Attempting to R


Posts: 230 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 10