Topic: I want to run away!!!
Member # 43549
| Posted: 3:43 AM, June 26th (Thursday)|
Last night was bad, we were in bed talking about things which was not pleasant but fairly relaxed. Then we cuddled up in our favourite position to go to sleep. Throught the darkness I blurted out "did you cuddle her like this in bed?" He said no (don't believe him) and told me he usually cuddled her from behind. I shouldn't have asked but I wasn't prepared for my reaction. I went nuts and then got in my car and drove around till 2am. I came home and he has tried to talk to me but I just can't. What is there to say? We are and always have been very affectionate and those cuddles mean everything to me. The thought of him sharing them is even worse than the sex I think. What is there left for me now?? He has given everything that I thought was special and sacred to someone else. Everything is violated. He is at work now and I just want to take off and leave everything behind. I feel like I'm losing it today
Posts: 76 | Registered: May 2014
Member # 42896
| Posted: 3:52 AM, June 26th (Thursday)|
I too feel this way, your not alone.
This is part of acceptance. Accepting that your life has changed to what is it now. This is your new reality
At nearly 9 months out I still occasionally just storm out of the house and drive around.
The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.
Posts: 116 | Registered: Mar 2014
Member # 43145
| Posted: 11:30 AM, June 26th (Thursday)|
MissTrust, we are in very similar places right now. I definitely feel like running away. The funny thing is that at therapy last night, wh stated that sometimes when I go for a walk or whatever that its at an inconvenient time for him with the kids. Funny since his affair was extremely inconvenient for me. I had a terrible night last night that bled into today. Wishing us both strength.
BS (me) 30's
3 young kids
Married 7 1/2 years, together for 16 years
EA/PA with a coworker who reports to him; timelines don't match.
Posts: 14 | Registered: Apr 2014
Member # 30314
| Posted: 11:41 AM, June 26th (Thursday)|
Ladies and Mozz, I remember this feeling and I occasionally still feel this way. What I WISH I would have done as a newly BS - wrote down when I feel good, ok, grateful for something. There are days, times, minutes? When you feel good. Write it down. Go back to it at times like this, not to not feel your pain , but to remember that even though you are feeling bad now, you can feel good again. That once this passes, you will have moments of being yourself, happy, joy or peace. I wish I had done that. Just a suggestion.
hugs to all of you!
[This message edited by rachelc at 11:41 AM, June 26th (Thursday)]
his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.
Posts: 5230 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Member # 43595
| Posted: 5:46 PM, June 26th (Thursday)|
Just wanted to say you are not alone..,last nite after dinner...we were watching America's got talent & one of the female contestant started singing a love song ....it hit me hard...words to the lyrics & feeling how unfair that this is my new reality. I left the house & walked along a trail....in the dark...winding along levies...trees...just kept walking for hours. Midnight came & I didn't know where I was...ended up in another city & H had to come & pick me up.
Saw a skunk on the path & thought of my H & how much similarity they had in common. Felt good to make that analogy:) lol.
Walked across a bridge & the thought of how inviting the water looked crossed my mind...then reality came back & I thought of my wonderful children & how much they needed me.
The cuddling with your H met the world to you...the sole intimacy I thought only my H & I would forever shared (we were both our firsts) were selfishly shattered & can never again be pure like it was before.
Im 6 mths out....bad days have come fewer & farther in between. Life is too short...trying to live life to the fullest & not let their stupid mistakes dictate our happiness.
Will pray for you & hope your day(s) get better because they must!!!
BS: me (41) WS: him (42)
M:12 yrs T:23 yrs 3 kids (4,7,9)
OW#1- 2 1/2 yr A; OW#2-2mth A; +escorts
Posts: 50 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: USA
Member # 42975
| Posted: 9:02 PM, June 26th (Thursday)|
I understand totally too. Some nights just laying in bed with him sends me into a spin when I think she probably did just the same with him.
None of this is fair and if I didn't have the kids I definitely wouldn't be here
DD April Fools Day 2014 (unfortunately no joke)
BS (me) 40
OW - a friend of WH for 5 years
4 month EA which turned into a 5 month PA
Us together 20 years, married 17 and 6 kids
I always thought I was enough but obviously not!
Posts: 209 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
Member # 43549
| Posted: 5:45 AM, June 27th (Friday)|
None of this is fair and if I didn't have the kids I definitely wouldn't be here
I don't want to be here. I feel there is nothing left for me. Everything I loved and believed in is destroyed. I can't go back, and I don't feel strong enough to go forward. I don't feel I can live with what he has done, but I love him and can't face a life without him. So what am I supposed to do? In the words of Keane: "I don't wanna go, I don't wanna stay, so there's nothing left to say".
Posts: 76 | Registered: May 2014
Member # 38044
| Posted: 5:52 AM, June 27th (Friday)|
Tears in my eyes.....prayers and a hug for you. This pain WILL heal......through feeling it.
Your post took me back to that time in my journey.
Peace be with you. God is with us all.
ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not
Posts: 3947 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Member # 31240
| Posted: 6:41 AM, June 27th (Friday)|
You say some things that indicate you're done and some things that indicate you don't yet know what you want. For example:
I can't go back, and I don't feel strong enough to go forward. I don't feel I can live with what he has done, but I ... can't face a life without him. So what am I supposed to do?
IMO, first, it's essential for you to realize you can live and thrive without your H.
IMO, another thing that would be good for you is to realize that you have a lot of power still. You get to figure out what you want - leave, stay, or wait until you're more certain.
(At 6 months out, it's very possible that you still don't know what you want - and it's OK to need more time.)
I don't want to be here. I feel there is nothing left for me. Everything I loved and believed in is destroyed.
This sounds pretty authentic, and you may be done with your H and/or your M. That still leaves you with a choice between D and building a new M.
Your H killed your M. Whether you want to free yourself from your M or build a new one, you can do so and hold your head high. Either choice is a moral one.
Give yourself permission to consider both going and staying and to recognize you've got the strength to do either. And give yourself permission to not decide until you know which way you want to go.
Until then feel your feelings and let your thoughts flow freely.
fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.
Posts: 10332 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Member # 43242
| Posted: 6:43 AM, June 27th (Friday)|
I just posted a similar thought in the "I Can Relate" LTA thread. For the first time in a long time, WH and I were together in a way that was emotional and tender and fun and all the things you want sex to be. Afterward, as I started to drift off, the thought occurred to me that the reason he performed so well was that WH had been practicing those moves, for the last 7 years, on his slunt, while giving to me only perfunctorily and begrudgingly.
From there I spiraled down into feeling like just the last in a long line of meaningless fucks, that there is nothing special left to lovemaking after he's given it away to others for so long, that he got his fill of great sex with "IT" while I essentially went without all those years, that "IT" was better in bed and more attractive than I (not making this up, WH blurted this out in a convo shortly after DDay), and on and on and on until every good feeling we had just created was obliterated in a tsunami of resentment about his A.
I feel like it never goes away, and WILL never go away. He will never be able to unf*ck the slut that he threw me away for. I will never be able to go back to feeling like "the one." Even at our most emotionally intimate moments, the A will be there, blowing things up.
None of this is fair and if I didn't have the kids I definitely wouldn't be here.
"I don't wanna go, I don't wanna stay, so there's nothing left to say".
I'm there today, too, ladies. Let's hang in and trust that it gets better.
Me & WH: 48, married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Status: Back on the coaster. Who knows?
Posts: 372 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
Member # 43513
| Posted: 10:06 AM, June 27th (Friday)|
I don't want to be here. I feel there is nothing left for me. Everything I loved and believed in is destroyed. I can't go back, and I don't feel strong enough to go forward.
I don't feel I can live with what he has done, but I love him and can't face a life without him. So what am I supposed to do? In the words of Keane: "I don't wanna go, I don't wanna stay, so there's nothing left to say".
I have similar triggers to you.
I think the thing to remember is you don't have to make a decision right away. What's the rush?
I am not interested in dating or remarrying, now or maybe never. So, I have chosen to stay.
I am however getting my ducks in a row should I feel that I definitely can not stay in the marriage, forever.
Two years out, I am finally feeling strong enough to know I can leave him and be mentally okay, when I am ready.
My husband thinks reconciliation is going well, and why shouldn't he. He is the one who had all the fun, and I get all the sadness and doubt.
He still has the wife he knew, and I am married to stranger. A man who is a liar and deceitful and distrustful. That was not the man I chose to marry. I am disappointed and hurt and distrustful, too.
So, the fact that he thinks things are good, kind of angers me, too.
Like you, things are not good for me. I, like you, have been permanently scarred by his selfishness. The triggers are unbearable sometimes.
But don't do anything, until you feel the time is right for you. You owe that to yourself.
You may change your mind, and decide you can live with his betrayal, and you may not.
Either choice is okay.
“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit
Posts: 1348 | Registered: May 2014
Member # 38790
| Posted: 11:18 AM, June 27th (Friday)|
We hear you. Today I actually feel so much anger that I wish I was the type to punch him in the face multiple times to get the point and pain across. To show him how much resentment, disgust, and disappointment I have at times. Even 19months out
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.
Posts: 946 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
Member # 40999
| Posted: 12:38 PM, June 27th (Friday)|
3 yrs out and this morning my WH asks me if I am excited about our new house and that we own it. Are you kidding? Yes excited anyone would be excited about being able to move out of a motel room with 2 cats and a dog so they could bave a normal life. This is the man I have said numerous time that I could be happy living in a tent with as long as we were together. Not any more. I will not do without anything for us anymore I will no longer go without for the good of the family or "us." Yes I am excited to be moving. He also wants to know if this helps me feel safe and secure. Hell no! It's just an investment a roof over my head. Hoping it would help lessen the triggers the old place held for me in everyroom however with the business still attached it will follow. The old marriage is dead and over the new marriage huh? There is no new marriage there are no vows no promises and certainly no trust or desire to give him the marriage of his dreams while I settle for remains. He has a lot yet to do to make things right and not talking about it does not make it go away while he thinks everything is just peachy keen. Little does he know one of these days I may get sick and tired of waiting for him to get a clue and I will walk out taking everything with me.
Posts: 51 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Modesto
Member # 42650
| Posted: 12:47 PM, June 27th (Friday)|
You are correct to assume the cuddled, snuggled, of course they did, he was good at it and he shared it with her many times, there is no doubt. That is what we (offended persons) have to deal with, knowing what was special (the sexual intimacy / exclusiveness) is shattered. No matter how much they try, we can never feel that special quality of what we had in our intimacy. that is something you have to decide you are willing to live without. For me, I always wanted to thank my dear wife for her faithfulness when we were old and ready to die, she took that from me and gave it to other men in the form of SEX EGO, so they know they are good enough to capture a married woman. FUCKERS! Sorry, but that is why that word was made, selfish FUCKERS, plan and simple. And they steal from us and give special things private things to others and we have to eat the poop sandwhich and say we still like it, we never liked it and never asked for it. Only time will tell if you are able to live with the fact that he gave her things that belonged to you. I hope you can make it to where you want to be, good luck dear.
To HOPEFUL Mother - In so many ways I wish I was the wife and she was the husband so I could punch her in the face many times just so she could get a glimpse of the pain, then I would give away anything she collected and cherished as a person to somebody she hated and they wiped their ass with it then sent her pictures of it. then we would be scratching the surface of offense.
[This message edited by steppingup at 12:54 PM, June 27th (Friday)]
Her (WW 40s) Me (BH, 40s) very young DS & DD
“Whatever follows after DD is much more crucial than the infidelity action itself” Quote by SI Member Melian40
"I'm a good man, not an option" - Steppingup
Posts: 498 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CALI
Member # 41040
| Posted: 12:57 PM, June 27th (Friday)|
I know exactly how you feel. I struggle with this daily. I have to decide that it is what it is. He says it wasn't the same, they didn't snuggle like us. But I know that's a lie. I know everything he and I have done in the bedroom he has done with someone else. That dreaded word "time" does work. It hasn't stopped hurting (I don't think it ever will), but it is less intense. I guess I've dulled to it?. Like that constant ache in your back sucks at first, but then you just learn to live with it.
Something is forever altered in out intimate life we our WS. Even if they are the "perfect" wayward, are doing everything right. THIS is something that the BS has to struggle through.
(((Hugs))). It sucks.
WH -37; BS (me) 38
Married 12 years, 3 kiddos
First DDay 9/13. 3 more since then (trickle truth sucks). 6 years of Prostitutes, 2 affairs in 2013, SA diagnosis now with 1 relapse so far (massage parlor with happy ending 2/14).
Posts: 210 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Southeast United States
Member # 41425
| Posted: 1:22 PM, June 27th (Friday)|
Something that has helped me a little bit with this is the fact that both of us had been with people prior to when we started dating. We were not onlies. I tell myself that when I struggle and it helps some.
Posts: 13 | Registered: Nov 2013
|Topic Posts: 16|| |