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User Topic: Ownership of feelings
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, June 30th (Monday)

"He/She made me feel xxxx". I've said this many times. I've heard others say this many times. I've read it countless times on SI from both BS & WS.

For a very long time, I believed that others were responsible for my feelings.

The truth is nobody can make us feel anything. Whether we like it or not, we choose how we react, what we feel, how we express those feelings. Regardless of where we are in our journeys, we must take ownership of our feelings if we truly want to heal.

If healing is important to you, I encourage you to examine how you manage your feelings in a very honest manner. Do you own them? Do you blame others for them? Do you allow yourself to feel them?

IMO, if you are willing to do the work in this area, you will see the benefits almost immediately.

Be blessed...MJ



FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 5973 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
BrokenButTrying
Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, June 30th (Monday)

This is something I'm working on at the moment. But I'm struggling with this

The truth is nobody can make us feel anything. Whether we like it or not, we choose how we react, what we feel, how we express those feelings.

Where do we draw the line? Because this essentially implies that the WS is in no way responsible for the BS' feelings after dday. That the BS is choosing to feel that way and none of what they feel is caused by the actions of their spouse - because they could choose to feel differently. Which, I think everyone would agree, is inaccurate.

I'll admit I've been stuck on this for awhile now. I'm doing well with mindfulness, choosing how I react to things. But no one ever taking any responsibility for other people's feelings... I can't get my head around that.

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 9:56 AM, June 30th (Monday)]


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, June 30th (Monday)

Because this essentially implies that the WS is in no way responsible for the BS' feelings after dday.
I disagree. Yes, the WS is responsible for behaving is such a way that would generate feelings in the BS. But, the WS does not own the BS's feelings. They do not control them. That's why everyone's feelings are different - some are angry, some are sad, some are devastated, etc.
But no one ever taking any responsibility for other people's feelings... I can't get my head around that.
It took me years to wrap my head around that. Going to a Retrouvaille weekend along with IC definitely helped me to get to the point where I truly understood that I am responsible for my feelings - even if someone did harm to me or my family, ultimately I own the feelings that come from that. Nobody makes me feel anything.


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 5973 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
BrokenButTrying
Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, June 30th (Monday)

I think I have more trouble because I'm Co-D.

I'm really proud of myself for how well I've done to step out of the Co-D cycle but I am stuck on this.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, June 30th (Monday)

I'm really proud of myself for how well I've done to step out of the Co-D cycle but I am stuck on this.
I am proud of you too and yes, being Co-D makes this process challenging - but you've proven your strength and with time and continued work, you will get this. I promise.


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 5973 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, June 30th (Monday)

This was something I tried to work really hard on after my DD two years ago. I really wanted to blame Hl for everything I was feeling, but really tried to keep it more to this is how I am feeling.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5060 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
BrokenButTrying
Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, June 30th (Monday)

Thanks MJ


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
holesinmybucket
New Member
Member # 43621
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, June 30th (Monday)

MissesJai:

BS here, hope you don't mind

I agree with your statement. While my Wh actions are definitely the catalyst for my feelings. Ultimately, it is up to me to find the root cause of my feelings and fix them. For example, I still feel very insecure at times, so I had to figure out what would help me to become secure within myself, such as working full time or going back to school. This helps offset the fear of being financial dependent of my WH.

Forgiveness of my WH and myself (for being so blind) during his A's I was able to look at my feelings with less blame attached and more self control. I want to say while I agree that we must all take ownership of our feelings...this does not mean that we can control how we feel at any given point. I am not able to just stop feeling hurt or abandoned by my WH, however by taking ownership of these feelings I am able to process them and work on fixing them. This is very important, because otherwise we risk rug sweeping, by telling ourselves that we do not want to feel a certain way, so we shut those feelings out. IMO this is not good for true healing.

Just my thoughts


me:BW 37
him:WH 37 (Dr. Jekyll)
DDay: 1/1/14
Whole truth:March 7th 14

DS 14 DS 10 DD 8
They are the sun that shine through any storm.

Love is not given away, but shared
When you have lost what matters.. what do you have left to loose?


Posts: 36 | Registered: Jun 2014
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, June 30th (Monday)

I really wanted to blame Hl for everything I was feeling, but really tried to keep it more to this is how I am feeling.
Applause. I think we all fall into this trap at one point or another.


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 5973 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, June 30th (Monday)

I can get the ownership of feelings thing. I had two horrible in your face triggers this weekend. They had to do with his past actions but they were my feelings to own. The thing is, I have to make a choice myself to do something about the feelings. And that choice is sometimes unclear. I want the choice to honor myself. What is best for Rachelc, ya know? But I do not know what that choice is.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.


Posts: 5253 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, June 30th (Monday)

I have to make a choice myself to do something about the feelings.

Why? Sometimes nothing can be done about how we feel. Sometimes we need to just feel them and move on. Sometimes our spouse does need to share with us. Just depends. But if your H is consistently not helping you with your feelings, how is that honoring you?


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5060 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, June 30th (Monday)

I told him about them. But, there is nothing he can do except comfort me, which just makes me feel more alone because there is nothing he can do for my feelings... I think the action part is on me, even if it's just changing my thoughts.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.


Posts: 5253 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, June 30th (Monday)

I think the action part is on me, even if it's just changing my thoughts.
this is good stuff, rachel.


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 5973 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, June 30th (Monday)

Great topic, currently at the forefront of my personal work. My signature sums it up beautifully.

MJ, may I ask if you and BH are on the same page WRT this philosophy?

This mindfulness, or whatever you want to call it, has revealed that my children are never annoying. No matter how many times DS9 makes the same goofy sound in the back seat of the car, I can choose not to feel annoyed. Not saying I''m there yet!


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1230 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, June 30th (Monday)

Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom."

I don't understand this quote, and I've read it and pondered it many times. Get mad, don't get mad...I still have the same feelings. Have a trigger, don't tell hubby, or tell hubby. I'm far from the raging lunatic I was at Dday. My response is different. The feelings are not. What am I missing?


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.


Posts: 5253 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
BrokenButTrying
Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, June 30th (Monday)

For me mindfulness is about choosing my reaction.

For example: my son's are arguing over toys for the 1000th time today. It's irritating, their shouting and screaming annoys me. But I can choose what I do with those feelings and how I react.

I can just *be* angry and shout at them. Or I can process that anger differently and remain calm and sort out the disagreement without raising my voice, making sure no one, including myself, is upset.

Or I can give them chocolate to make them both shut up


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
HopeImOverIt
Member
Member # 34517
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, June 30th (Monday)

But no one ever taking any responsibility for other people's feelings... I can't get my head around that.

Maybe it's the difference between CARING ABOUT someone else's feelings and taking responsibility for them?

My WS and I were both in therapy. At one point I told him - using what I was taught in therapy - "I feel hurt when you XXX with other women."

And he replied - possibly using what HE learned in therapy? - "You feel that way because you choose to feel that way."

Technically true, but not at all helpful for repairing a marriage.


Me: BW (50)
ExWH: (51)
2 teen-age boys
Divorced

Posts: 266 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: PA
WalkinOnEggshelz
Member
Member # 29447
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, June 30th (Monday)

This is one if those topics that I like how it sounds but just can't seem to buy into. It seems too black and white for me.

I have this image of my husband in the floor in our kitchen in the most immense pain I have ever seen. Where the pain is visceral. I saw in one second a man turn from being witty and gregarious to serious and untrusting. How can my husband have very real symptoms of PTSD and be required to take responsibility for how he feels?

If no one can make us feel anything, then why have I been spending the last 4 years apologizing for how I have made my husband feel?

I get that we need to be responsible for our feelings but I do feel if is possible that it should be in conjunction with how the people in our lives make us feel. I don think it's possible for us to go through life and not be affected in some way shape or form by others actions and words.

Would we tell a child whose mother verbally abuses them that they need to take ownership of their feelings? That no one can make them feel anything? If I was told over and over again that I was worthless, I am probably going to begin to believe it. On the other hand, when I go to a friend's house, her actions can make me feel welcome (or unwelcome for that matter).

I believe that others are the catalyst for our feelings. But I think it's up to us to decide what to do with them. Perhaps the healthy thing is to learn to process them and work through them in a functional way.

Honestly, I don't know. I just have a hard time with this concept as an absolute.


Me: WS 42
Him: BH 43(HoldingTogether)
M: 18years, together 22
2 Daughters: 13 and 10
D Day: 7/24/2010; TT to 10/17/10
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

Posts: 734 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Texas
BrokenButTrying
Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, June 30th (Monday)

Maybe it's the difference between CARING ABOUT someone else's feelings and taking responsibility for them?

I think you're right, Hope. Thank you


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, June 30th (Monday)

MJ, may I ask if you and BH are on the same page WRT this philosophy?
After attending RV, we are on the exact same page. We both really, really get it now.

A dear friend of mine, who happens to be neck deep in his own work, said this to me when we spoke about ownership of feelings:

Our emotional experience is a direct expression of our identity. When we know who we are, we know how we feel and why we feel that way. We CHOOSE our emotional reality based on our truth. This is the result of diligent mindfulness. Too often, we abandon ourselves to embrace someone else's emotional reality. We give up our power and defer responsibility to others for our feelings.


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 5973 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, June 30th (Monday)

Our emotional experience is a direct expression of our identity. When we know who we are, we know how we feel and why we feel that way. We CHOOSE our emotional reality based on our truth. This is the result of diligent mindfulness. Too often, we abandon ourselves to embrace someone else's emotional reality. We give up our power and defer responsibility to others for our feelings.

Holy shit. This seems to put into exact words the journey I have been on for the last four years. And where I am ending up right now. I am finally identifying with who I AM. And I base it in my truth. Awesome stuff MJ


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5060 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, June 30th (Monday)

When we know who we are, we know how we feel and why we feel that way. We CHOOSE our emotional reality based on our truth

this is also meaningful to me... So many times I have others' voices in my head when in fact, my own is just as good. I need to live MY truth, and no one else's. I need to stop abandoning myself.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.


Posts: 5253 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, June 30th (Monday)

Rachelc, I''m hardly a philosopher, but what the quote means to me is that our responses to external stimuli aren''t involuntary. Take those British soldiers who stand guard outside Buckingham Palace for example. Tourists take great pleasure in shouting in their faces, but are unable to provoke a response.

We truly can train ourselves to react with compassion instead of fear or anger, e.g. Antoinette Tuff.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1230 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
somethingremorse
Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, July 1st (Tuesday)

MJ --

Your original post really hits home with me. I need to own my feelings and my reactions to those feelings. I need to understand what is happening around me, and know I can chose the way I react to those things.

Too often before I'd withdraw and justify it by blaming everyone around me. Or I'd overreact to minor things around me. I can control my reactions to all of those things around me.

To a very large extent, I can control my feelings, too. For example, when I get stuck cleaning up the kitchen at 11:30 PM (like last night), I used to feel upset and unappreciated and the like. Now I relize that I have more energy than BW, and when I do things it is because I want to, not because I am being ignored. I can control my feelings in situations like that.


Me: WH (42)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, July 1st (Tuesday)

TG:
I am finally identifying with who I AM. And I base it in my truth.
I am on the same journey - isn't it an amazing feeling?
I need to live MY truth, and no one else's. I need to stop abandoning myself.
You said it yourself and I wholeheartedly agree.
Too often before I'd withdraw and justify it by blaming everyone around me.
I am guilty of this too. It happens but once you have the awareness of it, things can and do change. I am glad my post helped.


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 5973 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
BrokenButTrying
Member
Member # 42111
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, July 1st (Tuesday)

I am finally identifying with who I AM. And I base it in my truth.

Me too!

I need to live MY truth, and no one else's. I need to stop abandoning myself.

I have done this for years and years. It's a hard habit to break.

Too often before I'd withdraw and justify it by blaming everyone around me.

I'm guilty of this too.


Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters

My Ddays - 01/10 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.


Posts: 1235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 26