User Topic: rings?
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday)

This is not necessarily another *do you still wear your ring* thread.

Im interested in the meaning our wedding rings have to us.

I dont know if its a male / female thing. or a WS / BS thing. or just a individual thing.

Is a wedding just a lump of gold? Just a shiny bit of jewelry? or is it something more?

Is a wedding a symbol of commitment to a spouse and the M and something to be deeply proud of?

For me. Im not a jewelry kind of guy. BUT I was deeply proud of my wedding band. I was SO HAPPY to be M to my wife. I was committed to her and what that M meant. My ring was a symbol of her commitment to that and her ring was a symbol of my commitment to the M. So my ring was much more than simple jewelry to me.

Is it different for men / women or WS / BS?

Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche

Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
Member # 40955
Angry  Posted: 12:18 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday)

The engagement ring was a promise, and the wedding ring represented his vow to me, and his was my vow to him. Since he could F**k her for 16 plus years his promise and vow were worthless as tits on a bull, and don't mean anything to me except his betrayal.

My vow to him, which is still intact, meant nothing to him, since he wore it while he put his hands all over her fake, fat body, and then in her slimy c**t with it on his hand. He's tarnished it and I don't ever want to see it again. He carries it in his pocket to remind him he's married Why now when the marriage and I didn't matter before.

He claims he loved me the whole time of his LTA. I'm not sure I'll survive his kind of love.

Posts: 83 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Central IN
New Member
Member # 43926
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday)

My ring meant the world to me. It was a symbol of our love, our twelve years of commitment. In fact, it would piss me off when men would hit on me when I was wearing my ring. How dare you disrespect my marriage? It was invaluable to me. I loved wearing it but feared loosing it because it was a bazillion dollar ring to me. I took it off the day he told me. And even if we reconcile, I don't know that I will ever put it on again.

Posts: 11 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Far from home
Member # 43226
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday)

I loved my wedding ring. To me, it was a symbol of the commitment we had made. The love that we shared. The life we were building. It was rather shiny, so people would notice. It always gave me a jolt of pride getting to tell them that this was my wedding ring, that my husband chose it for me.
My other rings, from his grandmother, still mean so much to me. But that is more about me being a part of their family. And that hasn't changed or been tainted.

BW early 30's

Separated March 2014
Kintsukuroi: the art of repairing broken pottery with gold and silver laquer, and understanding that it is more beautiful for having been broken

Posts: 63 | Registered: Apr 2014
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday)

I wore my ring on and off throughout our M. Sometimes I took it off b/c it got in the way of something I was cooking and then just forgot to put it back on. I did put it on whenever I would go on work trips though. Very conscious of that. It wasn't so much that the ring meant something to me, but more of making sure I'm not putting out the single vibes when I was away from home.

Funny, now the ring seems to have more importance to me in that I can't bear to wear it at all. It's more symbolic to me as a symbol of loss than it ever was as a symbol of M. I'm wondering if that will lessen in time...

BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 571 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday)

I wore no other jewelry, but was proud to wear my ring. I will wear it till the final hearing, and when the judge declares the M over I will take it off and throw it in a box with other mementoes for the time being.

My ring is wide and was uncomfortable and did not fit well the first couple of years of the M, but then my finger adjusted to it as I adjusted to the M. Lately, I have noticed that hand being and finger being sore again.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 12:54 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]

dday 10.5.09
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4147 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Member # 42874
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday)

We found a ring we liked for me at a custom jewelry shop, but couldn't find anything she liked that matched. I worked with the jeweler and custom designed my STBXWW ring set. They are inscribed with "true companions" and our initials. So our rings were never just lumps of gold to me. Part of who I am is in her ring and I was proud of that. I am still married so I wear my ring, but it has certainly felt different since her EA.

BH - Divorcing
D-Day 4/28-29/2012
Two daughters in HS

Posts: 183 | Registered: Mar 2014
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday)

Im kinda hoping a WS contributes to this thread.

Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche

Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
Member # 28618
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday)

I wore my wedding ring every day until D-Day. I stopped wearing it and then it got lost somehow. I have no desire to wear one again.

My WW wears her wedding ring, but now I look at it with disdain because she was wearing it while the mOM was screwing her.

For me, the ring was a sign of our commitment to one another. When that was broken down, the ring became meaningless to me.

Posts: 357 | Registered: May 2010
Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday)

My wedding ring was very symbolic to me, of my love, of our history, of our future, of our vows, of our commitments. Of something material to hold onto and cling in the rough moments.

My husband's was symbolic at the beginning. He took the ring off the first few times he was with the OW. He stopped taking it off. I guess that alone speaks volumes.

“It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” - Dumbledore

Posts: 888 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
Member # 43672
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday)

Funny, now the ring seems to have more importance to me in that I can't bear to wear it at all. It's more symbolic to me as a symbol of loss than it ever was as a symbol of M. I'm wondering if that will lessen in time...

This is exactly how I feel. I took all my rings off last November, when he broke a commitment to me on his recovery/12 step work. That he could so easily put his ring in his wallet when he went to f**k her, that she knew he was married, that he sent me and the kids away while taking her to a $200 a night hotel, and then when he said wanted me and our marriage but didn't do the work he committed to, I decided that the rings no longer meant anything. Even though we are trying to reconcile, and he is now doing the work, I'm not sure if I will ever be able to wear those same rings. Which is a shame, because I loved my antique engagement ring, and the custom made wedding band to match.

Me: FBW, 48. Him: SAFWH, 57
3 fantastic kids: DS 17, DS 15, DD 10
DDay 1: 1/8/13, multiple DDays with TT for an entire year.

Working hard at R.
If all you wanted was love, why would you use me up, cut me down, build a boat and sail aw

Posts: 87 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: San Francisco
Member # 40637
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday)

The other night, after learning my husband lied to me (again) about something STUPID, and then lied about lying, I took my rings off and handed them to him. I don't know why I did it - it just seemed right. I now have a 37 year old indent in my ring finger - with nothing in it. It feels very odd - but not as odd as wearing a ring in a half-assed relationship.

He wore his ring through all the years of cheating. He took it off for a few months last year before D-Day, because "it was uncomfortable" and he "kept forgetting" to put in back on. Now he admits at the time he wasn't sure he wanted to be married anymore. I can understand that feeling now. After the latest lie my ring was feeling "uncomfortable" too.

NOTE TO ALL WSs out there: For God's sake don't lie to your BS about ANYTHING. Don't omit things on purpose - FYI that is LYING. If you don't know what a lie is - look in the dictionary!!!

Jeeze - forgot to answer the question! My ring meant a lot to me - committment, love, eternity. I was proud to wear it, proud to show I was married, I was not available, don't flirt with me, etc. Now, meh!

[This message edited by lostcovenants at 5:12 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday)]

Haha! The jokes on me, another DDay November 20, 2014! A date that will live in infamy, along with July 8,2013, oh yea and 36.5 years ago right after we got married. Hat trick!! WH is tremblingaspen. Life sucks.

Posts: 180 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
New Member
Member # 43902
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday)

For me it was a symbol of our love and commitment. Now that I know he wore it while with her, it means nothing to me, and neither of us are wearing one anymore.

Posts: 6 | Registered: Jun 2014
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday)

We exchanged those rings, each saying

"Thake this ring, as a symbol of my love and fidelity"

Which is why I took that ring off and never wore it again.

We renewed our vows about 5 years ago, I got a pretty shiny new one, but more importantly, with a more meaningful and real commitment.

BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)

Posts: 3642 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday)

Razor, you said you'd like a reply from a WS. This is my point of view looking back at when I was M.

Having been very immature when I got married, and having no grasp of the covenant aspect of the marriage, my rings were purely symbolic of the fact that I was legally married. I liked them, ostensibly because they were pretty, but (sadly) they held no more profound meaning to me other than that a ring was what you wore when you were married.

Those rings went to the pawn shop after the divorce was filed.

My XH, despite quite understandably wanting the divorce, still has his wedding ring. He told me even this past weekend that it still means a lot to him to have it.

We have purchased new wedding rings for our impending remarriage. New rings for a new start.

Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

We remarried in 2014.

Posts: 2319 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
Member # 42853
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday)

My.engagement ring and wedding band mean the world to me. Im a bit heavier than I was pre pregnancy so they but I always wore them with pride.

When my asshole husband decided to cheat on me (while pregnant) with hookers.....his rings don't mean shit to me. Why? Because if he took it off before the encounter, he was being a scumbag.....and if he left it on its more.disrespectful to me. So whichever way he did it, he loses.

Posts: 190 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Raspberry
Member # 40684
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday)

To me they symbolized the commitment and our family. I have to admit I didn't wear them that often because it was a problem (I didn't calculate in children and my ring kept cutting my kiddos when I played with them) but anytime my husband was away Id make sure to have them on. If I was going somewhere without him I wore them. Basically I wore them as a sign of "Im taken, not available" not that it worked. I still got hit on but at least I knew I was doing what I could to avoid being hit on.

Now? Ill never wear those rings again. What obviously meant a lot to me and they meant nothing to him. I actually can't stand the fact that he wears his ring still..

Interesting enough, his right actually cracked right down the back just prior to DDay. A sign of things to come maybe? Because DDay definitely cracked out family in half.

BS: Me (30)
WS: Husband (31)
Married 8 years, together 9
D-Day: Sept 10, 2013
D-Day2: May 31, 2014
Children: 5, ages 7, 5, 3, 1 and due in September

Leaning towards leaving, no one deserves this pain.

Posts: 205 | Registered: Sep 2013
Member # 42853
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, July 2nd (Wednesday)

And.sorry to thread jack but how can I quote someone? I wanted to quote somone in the previous.messages but dont know how.

Posts: 190 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Raspberry
Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 1:41 AM, July 3rd (Thursday)

When you post a message, there are a few options on the left - bold, italic, quote, and image. If you copy in the text into the textbox, then select it, and hit "quote" while it's selected, it'll put it in quotes

or, you could do [ quote ] and [ / quote ] with no spaces around the text.

“It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” - Dumbledore

Posts: 888 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
New Member
Member # 43648
Default  Posted: 6:24 AM, July 3rd (Thursday)

I don't wear jewelry, save for an occasional necklace or pair of earrings, but I wore my wedding band every day and was proud to. I was also proud of my H's band and the commitment our rings symbolized.

My WH started taking his off a few years ago and had various excuses for it: it was too small, it was itchy, it was getting in the way of work, etc.

Since reconciliation, he wears a ring that he bought when we were dating and calls it a wedding ring. I still wear my ring, and told him I would like him to wear his. Again with the excuses, so I ordered him another wedding band, to match mine/ours, in his size. He says it's too big.

My ring still means a lot to me (and I wear it out of respect for my marriage and my H), but not nearly as much as it used to, and less and less since I've been wearing it alone.

Me: BS 40
Him: WH 42
M 14 years, together 20
DS 8 and DD 6
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 30 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: New York
Member # 36813
Default  Posted: 6:36 AM, July 3rd (Thursday)

My ring was a symbol of commitment and fidelity. I remember going out with friends and guys would hit on me. I would hold up my left hand and smile. It was clear I was married and not interested. I used to look at my rings and his and remember us looking and picking them out. I thought the symbolized our perfect fit. I wore my all the time except the end of my pregnancies and it bothered me not to.
They are now meaningless to me and worn for show. I actually cringe when I look at his.

I told FWH if I am able to forgive I want to have them melted and remade as a way to symbolize that its the same ring but different. Just like our relationship. I don't know if I'll make it there but I'm hoping. :)

Posts: 284 | Registered: Sep 2012
New Member
Member # 43849
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, July 3rd (Thursday)

This post just made me think about my rings. For the first 11 years of our M I never took off my rings. The last 5 years I barely ever put them on. I thought of my rings as a symbol of our love, commitment, and infinite life together. Its interesting to me that I subconcously took off my rings at the same time he started cheating.

Today he wants to R and I do find it offensive if he removes his ring however I do not wear mine. Perhaps because now they represent commitment in my eyes. I do think I will need new rings, new vows, and a new start in order to wear wedding rings regularly again as my old ones are tainted with shame, pain, and decet.

I think the discusssion of rings is a good one for the beginning of any new relationship - perhaps I forgot to ask my WH all those years ago what the meaning was to him since he could so easily wear his ring as he was fishing for others.

Anything or anybody that does not bring you alive is too small for you -david whyte

Posts: 18 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: kima
New Member
Member # 40515
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, July 3rd (Thursday)

At the time I was extremely proud to wear my ring. I'm not much of a jewelry guy but I loved the symbol of commitment I had towards someone. I don't wear it now because of two reasons, 1. Work 2. I feel its all fake now, if I'm wearing it, I'm lying.

Posts: 44 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 42039
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, July 3rd (Thursday)

My rings were very special to me. They represented the commitment I had made to another.
I remember when he proposed and gave me my engagement ring. He stated that the jeweler said we could bring it back in future years and trade it in for a larger one. My immediate response was why would I do that? I want the exact ring you picked out for me.
When he put my wedding band on I knew I was never taking it off. We had to elope due to Desert Storm interrupting our wedding plans, so when we had the wedding 9 months later, I did not remove it for the ceremony. In my mind there was something very special in my decision to not remove what he had placed on my finger with his vows to me.
In 22 yrs, my band only left my hand for a two hour surgery. I requested to cover it with tape, but they would not allow me to keep it on.
On Dday I removed my rings. There was an indent in my finger and one side of my band is not rounded at the edge from years of the engagement ring rubbing against it.
They are back on my hand, but without any meaning. Another causality of his betrayal. I would like to reclaim some special meaning by using the diamond of the engagement ring as the center of a family ring. To me it would signify that our marriage did create one awesome family and his actions cannot change that.
I have not followed through with my plan as he states that would hurt him. I know his hurt does not even compare to my pain, but I have no intention of purposely causing him pain as he chose to do to me. Maybe one day he will want the ring to have meaning for me again and will give his blessing or maybe he won't.

Me: BS, 43 yrs
Him: WH, 45 yrs
Married 23 yrs
4 daughters, 7-18 yrs
4 week EA
Porn addiction 15 yrs

Your character is what you do when you think no one is watching.

Posts: 77 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 43280
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, July 3rd (Thursday)

I'm struggling with this too. I was so proud to be his wife. I wore my wedding ring everywhere. I'm still wearing it because I'm trying to R.

My WH wore his ring while having sex with OW. After a while she got jealous about it and asked him to not wear his ring around her. Then he would just leave it in the car whenever he was with her. It's all just so disgusting. I guess it meant nothing to him either way.

[This message edited by Tammy1 at 11:09 AM, July 3rd (Thursday)]

BW: 40 (me)
WH: 42 (him)
Married 18 years
3 kids
D-Day: 4/7/14, 9 month LTA
Together- trying to R

Posts: 79 | Registered: Apr 2014
Member # 41218
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, July 3rd (Thursday)

Neither of my parents have worn any jewelry for as long as I can remember, so I was never brought up with the idea of a wedding ring being a major symbol of commitment.

But peers and cultural messages about the almighty ring become more important when you're a young adult, and I wore an engagement ring (cubic zirconia!) in a previous relationship mostly to show off!

WH and I didn't give it any discussion and I think we both assumed we'd wear wedding bands. We picked some out before the wedding and several months later WH surprised me with a non-traditional solitaire to go with my band.

For years this was the only jewelry I wore on a daily basis.

Now in my current peer group/area where I live virtually every married woman wears at least one ring, and most wear an engagement & wedding ring combo even if they're washing dishes or out on a 10 mile run. I'd stand out if I didn't wear mine.

When shortly after d-day I confided to my boss that I was dealing with a personal problem outside of work, the first thing he did was look at my ring finger.

So I wear my rings mostly because I don't want to invite any speculation or gossip about my marriage.

I still get compliments on my unconventional solitaire. It stings a little. I want to say "Thanks, but it means nothing."

Except for one Memorial Day trip to "Atlantic City" with "friends" during which he "forgot his ring", WH apparently wore his ring the entire time of the A. In fact, after OW stopped wearing her own (paid for by her daddy!) $20k wedding/engagment rings she bought her own ring to wear while she was out with my WH.


Me - BW 36
Him - WH 41
Together 12 years, married 7
3 year LTA with former coworker
DDay 10/29/13
He says he wants to R... can I live with what he's done?

Posts: 165 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
New Member
Member # 43864
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, July 3rd (Thursday)

Is it different for men / women or WS / BS?

This is an interesting question. As a BW, I'm on the fence about my rings. My wedding ring is a plain band that was WH's grandmother's ring. Grandparents were married 67 years, and I loved the meaning of that. After WH's ONSs years ago, I told him I didn't want to wear it anymore, and haven't. Gave son original diamond to have reset when he became engaged. I occasionally wear a band with some small rubies WH gave me when things were really good.
WH quit wearing his ring when he had to have another ring cut off due to hands swelling in an allergic reaction. Wearing, not wearing his ring made no difference in whether or not he cheated. Durning his ONSs he was wearing it on his hand while touching the ho's. And in 2013, he wasn't wearing it. Obviously it has zero meaning for him.
I think I just answered my own self. Zero meaning for him...why should mine have meaning?

Married nearly 39 yrs
Me: 61 yrs old, always faithful
WS: 64 yrs old, 2 ONS 1978, EA (he says) I 2013

DDays: 12/11/13, 12/18/13, 12/27/13 (he's big on TT)
Also discovered he cheats with 2 women while we were engaged, 40 years after the fact.

Posts: 32 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: SC
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, July 4th (Friday)

One day, a few weeks after I found out about the A & thought we were in R, I was getting ready to go out with a friend. I decided to put my ring back on. At that point I didn’t think it was as much about his commitment to me as it was about my commitment to him.

Shortly before I had to leave, I got the “I have to work late” phone call that just didn’t sit right with me. So I went to see him at work before going out. And what did I find? He was at work, but in his truck was a bag with his nicest clothes in it. Yep, he had them in there so he would look nice for her.

Now it sucks, on the occasions when I actually want to wear my ring, I have a flashback to that day along with the resentment that WH broke his vows.

The thing is when we were first married I always wore my ring. I saw it as a symbol of our love and commitment to each other.

He never did because there was a possible danger of getting his hand caught in a machine at work. It bothered that he refused to wear it when he wasn’t at work. Telling me “I’m not a jewelry guy” I always saw it as a lack of commitment. Guess I was right.

Now when I wear it, I tell myself it’s just a way to show the world I married. But in reality, it’s my desire to have back what I once thought we had.

D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 328 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 28