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User Topic: My therapist sided with my cheating husband
Tigaress
Member
Member # 43954
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, July 4th (Friday)

What a sad 4th of July evening. Cheating husband is still giving me the silent treatment and I'm sitting at home trying to study for an upcoming exam but am having a hard time focusing. What's going around in my head is what my therapist said last time I saw him. I showed him some of the text messages between me and my husband and he seemed to side a bit with my husband. One of his statements was 'but if he only kissed her and didn't sleep with her then he didn't really cheat'. Seriously? And then he slapped me around (verbally) about my vicious text messages. The ones I sent after my husband had sent me about 100 messages blaming me for everything. I kind of know that I'm not the bad guy here but there's still some doubt coming up, particularly after such statements from my therapist ...

Posts: 179 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: New York
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, July 4th (Friday)

One of his statements was 'but if he only kissed her and didn't sleep with her then he didn't really cheat'.

One answer - NEW THERAPIST - NOW!!!

So, I guess EAs aren't even cheating at all - what's the big deal?

New therapist, Immediately. Ask for your money back from this one, or cancel the check.

Unfuckingreal.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Badhurt
Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, July 4th (Friday)

Tigresses

Change therapist. Some of these people are so out of touch with reality that they look at everything in theoretical terms. And therapy is NOT a quantitative art. It is totally subjective and if you tell the exact same story to ten of them, you will get all different opinions
The ones that get me are the idiots that will tell someone that just caught their spouse cheating to put it aside and concentrate on why.
If you are not comfortable with the view of things you are getting get a new MC. If you feel attacked that is not something you should be paying for


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
Schadenfreude
Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, July 4th (Friday)

Does the therapist have a big broom in the office for rugsweeping?

Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
craig2001
Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 8:30 PM, July 4th (Friday)

'but if he only kissed her and didn't sleep with her then he didn't really cheat'.
Ask him if it is okay with him if his wife goes out kissing other men?

See what he says to that.


Posts: 4099 | Registered: Jun 2002
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, July 4th (Friday)

Our first MC told me on the SECOND appointment that "He apologized, he said he won't do it again. You need to get over this."

Annnnd FIRED.

You need a new therapist asap.

(((Tigaress)))


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17764 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Tearsoflove
Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, July 4th (Friday)

This topic should read "My ex-therapist sided with my cheating husband."


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4144 | Registered: Sep 2005
devasted30
Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, July 4th (Friday)

New therapist. End of story!!!


And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!

Posts: 1317 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
Tigaress
Member
Member # 43954
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, July 4th (Friday)

Craig 2001 - I asked him exactly that and he said that it would be much worse if his wife 'fucked somebody' than if she kissed him .... I asked him if he had ever cheated but he refused to answer my question.

Posts: 179 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: New York
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, July 4th (Friday)

I fired my therapist 3 weeks ago. Not all of them are good.

Don't doubt yourself for one second.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2179 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Schadenfreude
Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, July 4th (Friday)

Did therapist cheat? Exactly what I was thinking.

Get rid of him.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
shiloe
Member
Member # 1224
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, July 4th (Friday)

Did therapist cheat?

IME, on cheaters stick up for other cheaters.

So I guess you get to go out and make out with whoever you want.


But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 54
Cheater -54
Married 26 yrs
DD - 21 DD -19 DS-17
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA with yet another married ho-worker. Kicked h

Posts: 608 | Registered: Mar 2003
OakStreet
Member
Member # 41193
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, July 4th (Friday)

Yep, new therapist and tell him WE all said so!

They (therapists) are NOT all good. We quit our first MC because she couldn't stop talking about herself!

Good luck, Tigaress!


Me: 58
Him: 65
Married: 21 years (well, we'll say 19 now!).
One son: 19, 2 adult stepdaughters
DDay: Oct. 14, 2013
18 month EA/PA with COW
Dday #2: 4/16/14 - took it underground for 5 months.
Haven't decided on outcome.

Posts: 491 | Registered: Nov 2013
12yearsloyal
Member
Member # 43064
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, July 4th (Friday)

FIRE HIM!!!!


Him: WS, Selfish, mental, mid-life crisis LTA EA PA
Me: BS American, Blonde, thin, attractive (and none of that mattered)
OW: Caribbean whore (RuPaul is better looking)
What will it profit a man if he gains the whole world but loses his soul?

Posts: 161 | Registered: Apr 2014
lostcovenants
Member
Member # 40637
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, July 4th (Friday)

Please, what loser! Does he work in a clinic with other counselors? Fire him by email and copy his bosses. Consider reporting him to whatever agency licensed him in your state. And yes! Demand a refund! (Wish you could cc his wife! I wonder what number he is on?)

My husband's IC recommended he leave me and told him not to tell me the truth about his cheating, that I would never get enough information, so give me none. Yea, lying is always the best policy. I have NEVER hated anyone in my life, until I found that out. He continued to see her for months after that. And defends her when I bring her up. Well, he defends his AP too, me? Not so much.


BS 60; fWH 59; 2 children, 1 grandchild; Married 37+ years, he is my only; D-day 7/8/13; Married OW, PA 2009-2011; sexting with same MOW 2012-2013. Broke it off about a week before I found out.

Update-Sexting on cheating forums 14 YEARS. Idiot me


Posts: 163 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
HeBrokeVows
Member
Member # 43252
Default  Posted: 12:24 AM, July 5th (Saturday)

I honestly can't believe what some therapists say. We come into their office so vulnerable that they can take out emotions and direct them any way they want. If your gut isn't comfortable with a therapist, switch. You shouldn't walk away feeling the way you have. Especially one with a ridiculous view of kissing isn't cheating. Unreal. Seriously, I wonder how some of these people have licenses. And to the person who mentioned their therapist told them to get over it, unreal!!


Dday March 12, 2014. Found out my husband of almost 10 years was having an affair, first emotional then physical for 6 months.

Posts: 464 | Registered: Apr 2014
sohowamI
Member
Member # 36671
Default  Posted: 6:21 AM, July 5th (Saturday)

A therapist we (as a couple) saw many years ago when we had been having communication problems was fully cognizant of my WS having had numerous affairs - one of ten years - and my WS requesting that she NOT tell me, then didn't! She kept this information to herself and she was supposed to be a marriage counsellor! This actually meant that she enabled him to lie and cheat. It was as if THEY became a couple themselves because she was drawn into the drama of his life.

I only found out about this after having found out about it all two years ago. If I had known then... What a disgrace she is.

Definitely fire yours and find yourself someone who understands what infidelity really means.


WS had two LTAs of 10 years and 12 years; further 8/9 affairs; EAs, 2 OC. Looks horrific but he is fully immersed in trying to find the 'broken.' It's on-going and painful. If there's a blue sky and sunshine, then it's a good day.

Posts: 168 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
painpaingoaway
Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, July 5th (Saturday)

Nothing like compounding the pain of betrayal with a worthless shitty therapist. I'm so sorry.

We had a terrible first MC too. He told H that it was not necessary for me to know who the OP was, (along with a plethora of other crappy advice). I told him off, told him to forget sending me a bill because I would not pay for his crappy services, and slammed the door on my way out! (H was mortified, lol).

Never did get a bill either.


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7092 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
Chrysalis123
Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 6:51 AM, July 5th (Saturday)

Nothing like compounding the pain of betrayal with a worthless shitty therapist. I'm so sorry.

Ouch....I bet that hurt. Change counselors.

I had a similar experience except in my case the therapist told me

You are a man hating lesbian
.
This was after seeing FT for several private sessions. All I remember about that is the gut wrenching sick feeling of betrayal by a therapist.

It was several years later that I learned about men with personality disorders....


Don’t get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well. 

Posts: 2701 | Registered: Jan 2010
painpaingoaway
Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, July 5th (Saturday)

I had a similar experience except in my case the therapist told me:
You are a man hating lesbian

OMG, O.M.G! Seriously??? I hope you reported him to whomever the powers that be are.


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7092 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
DecimatedWorld
Member
Member # 36889
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, July 5th (Saturday)

When we did MC our first MC told us it was MY fault STBXH cheated because I shouldn't have had a friend willing to screw him. STBXH latched on to that idea and in the crazy months following DDay threw it in my face that even the MC said I was at least partly to blame.

So yeah, there are really bad therapists out there. Please find a new one ASAP before yours does more damage than good.


BS-36
WH-38
DD-13 DD-10
DDay-Aug 1st

Posts: 54 | Registered: Sep 2012
craig2001
Member
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, July 5th (Saturday)

Craig 2001 - I asked him exactly that and he said that it would be much worse if his wife 'fucked somebody' than if she kissed him .... I asked him if he had ever cheated but he refused to answer my question.
You need to get away from this guy now.

First off, him using the word fuck is very unprofessional. And not answering if he has cheated is a pretty good indication of where his opinions are coming from.


Posts: 4099 | Registered: Jun 2002
sad12008
Member
Member # 18179
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, July 5th (Saturday)

There's a difference between a licensed therapist and a SKILLED therapist....new therapist now!

If you haven't already read Shirley Glass' book, "Not Just Friends", I highly recommend getting a copy.


You can't fill a cup with no bottom.

Posts: 3890 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: a new start together
Tigaress
Member
Member # 43954
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, July 5th (Saturday)

Thank you for all the encouragement. And I'm so shocked about all the bad therapist stories you shared. What I'm struggling with in the case of my therapist is that I've seen this guy now for a few years and he's been my rock through very, very miserable times. I mean including distress calls on Sunday when my husband was losing it and I had locked myself in the bedroom. Things like that. But I guess with my husband's infidelity we have reached a topic where he has his own issues. Or at least sees things drastically different from me. I got to figure out what to do...

Posts: 179 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: New York
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, July 5th (Saturday)

I'm willing to bet that your counselor is a WS.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3385 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Thinkingtoomuch
Member
Member # 31765
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, July 5th (Saturday)

About your MC/IC that you've been seeing for a long time...I understand it's uncomfortable and awkward. Think of it this way: we find out years later we never really knew our spouse. Same idea as anyone else in our life, including friends. Sometimes you just have to let go, as we're all in a different place in our life awarenesses.

I was going to say not to go back at all. But you may just tell MC on phone you don't match his perception at all with this and it's the biggest in your life. And if he cheated himself? Hmmm. Not good.


Also, my xwf's OP was a therapist!! After xwf had told me he wouldn't do MC and why it wouldn't work! Wow. When I asked him if she knew we were engaged, he said yes.

I said "she knew we were engaged?" Yes. I was shocked and quickly found my voice and said "well, what does that tell you about HER resume!!?" That shut him up. And I said "oh, she'll have alot of fun with you!" (As in, lots luck with that!)

Also, years ago I was seeing a male counselor. I was dating someone who had become jekyl/hyde with me and mean. I had broke up with him, and this boyfriend filled up my voicemail with tons of abusive verbage. I took the cassette (old fashioned) to my counselor, let him hear this cruel stuff, and he just shrugged and poo pooed it! I looked at him and never forgot his attitude. Told me tons about someone I had thought was on the same page as I for a long time. NOT. Huge learning experience for me.

I also had a first visit with a female counselor once who was snarky and said "now, why would you say THAT to f ? (pre DDay), in a condescending tone. Never forgot that one either. I knew I was very vulnerable and this person was not in my corner right away. Would not go back again as I already felt bad enough.

You must protect your brain, Tigaress. All these people out there have their own agendas.


Hang in there.


[This message edited by Thinkingtoomuch at 11:02 AM, July 5th (Saturday)]


Posts: 816 | Registered: Apr 2011
HeBrokeVows
Member
Member # 43252
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, July 5th (Saturday)

I left a therapist back in November when I was suspecting my husband was having an affair when she told me it was my job to keep the 4 year old twins quiet when he came home for work so he can relax. I said you can't control children that are excited to see their daddy. She said yes I can and its my fault if he's not happy when he comes home. I ran for the hills from that one and told her how nuts she was in so many words.


Dday March 12, 2014. Found out my husband of almost 10 years was having an affair, first emotional then physical for 6 months.

Posts: 464 | Registered: Apr 2014
Schadenfreude
Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, July 5th (Saturday)

HBV,does she wear her burkah to the office, by any chance? I don't think too many Western women (i.e. western world, not western states) would agree with your counselor.

On the other hand, until Fraulein Maria appeared and ruined everything, the Von Trapp children lined up at silent attention when Capt. Von Trapp appeared.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, July 5th (Saturday)

New Therapist definitely..I am also betting your therapist is a WS or has misdirected anger at women in general..
2 out of the 5 therapists my WH and I have been to have done a lot of damage...
My WH latched on to their Bull sh^^2t..
One of the few things that WH and I do agree on is that a few of the therapists who we saw were totally off the rails and had no business doing marriage/couple's counseling...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 4:42 PM, July 5th (Saturday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1242 | Registered: Nov 2011
Jomarion
Member
Member # 43659
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, July 5th (Saturday)

It seems pretty obvious to me the therapist is a WS. I mean, the therapist is saying exactly what a WS would say as the 'tip of the iceberg'!

Really sorry you had too hear that. And from a therapist you had formally trusted.

There are better ones who can help you.


me:BGF, 54, American immigrant. one son. me and my ex get along great, the most amicable split imaginable!
him:WBF,43, Polish immigrant
together since 2006,
DDay:October28,2009,after his 3 teen kids push him to cheat with OW.
5 betrayed me

Posts: 192 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: UK
ZedLeppelin
Member
Member # 40895
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, July 5th (Saturday)

I mean including distress calls on Sunday when my husband was losing it and I had locked myself in the bedroom.
??

Posts: 198 | Registered: Oct 2013
Tigaress
Member
Member # 43954
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, July 5th (Saturday)

We had a few rough years in our marriage. Husband kept losing his job, which was a problem after I quit my job to go back to school. He hated that I was not working anymore and that he was unable to make a living for us. He's always been the super smart kid but can't hold down a job. I think he is depressed but he would never see a therapist, instead he blames me that I don't fulfill my duties as his wife to care for his emotional well-being. I'm not his 'best friend' he says. Some of our fights were extremely vicious, he was verbally abusive and I fought back initially but then was mostly passive, crying. He never beat me but there were some situations where I felt threatened. In situations like these, and some other crises, I could contact my therapist and he'd take the time to talk things through with me, what I could do in that situation etc. As said, he was my rock and some of my friends say that without my therapist's support my marriage would already have broken apart, for the better or worse ...

Posts: 179 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: New York
meleanoro
Member
Member # 6210
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, July 5th (Saturday)

It seems like we almost need a little set of guidelines or questions to ask therapists before hiring them. It's clear many of them bring their own set of morals in to the game. And that colors how they treat people.

OP, I'm so sorry yours was not only UNempathic, but also caused more damage. That's traumatic. I agree a letter to his bosses may be in order.


Me: Tired BS.
(I frequently edit for typos)

Posts: 287 | Registered: Jan 2005
wishicouldredo
New Member
Member # 43623
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, July 8th (Tuesday)

There are some great comments on here. I don't have anything to add just wanted to send you support. (((Tigaress))). It makes me angry therapists like this exist.


"I'm not where I need to be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be."

"Feelings are just visitors, let them come and go." - Mooji


Posts: 40 | Registered: Jun 2014
Deanna
Member
Member # 26854
Default  Posted: 9:07 AM, July 8th (Tuesday)

My husband "just kissed" and MC thought of it as cheating. Not all MC are bad


DDay - 11/4/09
BS-49 DDay
fWS-46 DDay
EA/PA with childhood sweetheart/ kissed
R - 11/25/09
Life is not a dress rehearsal

Posts: 1459 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Northeast
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, July 8th (Tuesday)

See here's the thing, in therapy just about anyone can hang a shingle out and say they are therapist. You need to look for one that has a degree in it at least the level of Masters, and that had dealt in infidelity issues extensively.

This joker is giving a bad name to all therapists out there.

Fire him immediately.

This comment

I asked him if he had ever cheated but he refused to answer my question.

Is the answer to your question. If he had not he would have answered.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8684 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
steppingup
Member
Member # 42650
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, July 8th (Tuesday)

The cheaters love to "Blame Shift"...smoke and mirrors changing the focus, and not wanting to sit and admire the work of their hands. Since your husband is willing to therapy, go back and revisit the conversation and ask him again, so did you mean...."....." when you said, "......", if you get the answer you didn't agree with. Say this, "for the sake of my marriage your fired" and walk out.


Her (WW 40s) Me (BH, 40s) very young DS & DD

“Whatever follows after DD is much more crucial than the infidelity action itself” Quote by SI Member Melian40

"I'm a good man, not an option" - Steppingup


Posts: 498 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CALI
ChinaCat
Member
Member # 42797
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, July 8th (Tuesday)

WOW!

First of all fire that wannabe piece of crap therapist.

Then report your therapist to the Better Business Bureau.

That therapist is NO therapist!

Makes me sick to think of how that moron therapist made you feel. What a crock of bologna!

You are wonderful and deserve better.

((Hugs))


"Every time I stay out late; every time I sleep in; every time I miss a workout; every time I don't give 100% - I make it that much easier for him to beat me!"
Me: BS & Beautiful!

Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 38