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User Topic: Prison Time
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, July 6th (Sunday)

As many may know from my other post, my husband has recently been sent to prison on a parole violation. So now I am dealing with a whole new set of emotions. He is unsure atbthis time of how much time he will do. He thinks he will do what they call a 6 month setback.

He did admit to me that he had began using meth again. He has always struggled with addiction but other than alcohol, he had been clean since our son was born. He is 9. Of course, now I don't know if that is true or not because I obviously missed a lot of things....I believe if he had not starting using, his affair would not of happened. He admitted to using with her. She has no responsibilities or worries and could be the drinker and partier he wanted to be. I couldn't and wouldn't be that person. She was fun, I was reality.

Anyway, now that he is in prison, he is calling me. Of course, he is sorry. He said he has called her one time for a 3minute free call, in the beginning. But hasn't since. I haven't heard from him since Friday so of course, my mind is racing. Is he calling her during his free time? He gets 2 45minute times a day to use the phone and shower.

In a way, I am relieved that he is in prison. He can get clean and get on his medication. (He is bipolar and had been off his meds during the month he was gone from our home.) And yes, as a bonus, he isn't with her. I want to repair my marriage. I want my husband. My family is against any contact at all with him, especially my mom. I am so torn. I want to believe he means what he says. But how can I? I love him so much and my son wants his dad home so bad. He did not giv e our home address to the parole board. He gave his parents. I know if he goes there, our marriage is as good as over. His dad has a steady supply of pot and alcohol, he is also an addict. And my husbands #1 enabler, plus he wants him away from me. I would love for him to come home, but I don't want to be used again. Or to go through this pain again. I have never hurt so bad in my life. This is killing me. I can't sleep, I am not eating. I am devastated and unsure of what to do next.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
deena04
Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, July 6th (Sunday)

Keep strong. You are doing the right thing. Take it one day at a time. Get friends and co-workers, anybody who rallies to your side (us, too) and have them for support. If he comes home now because you give in, he won't have learned a lesson IMO. He needs to get clean for himself, your son, and you. He is not healthy for your child or your M if he is let off the hook without learning this. Don't forget to take time to enjoy life when you can. We're here for you.


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
L-I-B-E-R-A-T-I-N-G ME

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Dec 2013
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, July 6th (Sunday)

It's great that he can get his meds. A family member of mine spent time in prison and he was not permitted to take his bipolar meds for his 9 month stay there. I don't have any idea about the logic behind that kind of decision.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7641 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, July 6th (Sunday)

He won't get his meds as long as he is in diagnostics but he will get them once he is moved. I don't understans that logic either. Right now, he is probably having some withdrawals from everything he was on. :-( I hate that for him. I hate everything about this situation. It never should have gotten this far. It kills me.

I absolutely do not feel strong. On Thursday, he said some very hurtful things to me. But by that evening and Friday, he was sorry. He is really confusing me . I don't know if he is talking to her, I will probably never know the truth. I don't know if he really wants to save our marriage or if that is just because he is in prison. He keeps saying our marriage is not over. I just don't know how to handle this. I guess it is just a game of wait and see now. But the not knowing where I stand or what is going on is the worst. I just want my husband.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
tfkeel
Member
Member # 19517
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, July 6th (Sunday)

But the not knowing where I stand or what is going on is the worst.

Yes. Having someone else be in control of your life, and not even someone who is living with you.

Let everything you do, from this point out, be YOUR decision. Don't live your life by wondering whether or not he is "calling her", etc.

Formulate YOUR OWN plan for your own life and for your son.

He did not give our home address to the parole board. He gave his parents. I know if he goes there, our marriage is as good as over. His dad has a steady supply of pot and alcohol, he is also an addict.

The most likely thing which is going to happen when your husband is released, is that he will head straight to his parents' house.

Look at it this way.... choose now to live your own life and a life which parents your son well.

Face facts. Look at what your husband's father has done to his son.

That is what is going to be done to your son, if you allow it.

If, when your husband gets out of prison, he is "clean", and making attempts to be a responsible adult member of society, and is showing forth the actions which are consistent with that, you can still, then, nurture and complete your relationship to him as husband and father of your son.

[This message edited by tfkeel at 4:22 PM, July 6th (Sunday)]


Posts: 715 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Pennsylvania
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, July 6th (Sunday)

I absolutely do not feel strong.

Nobody feels strong unless they are dealing with trivial weight, or they get through and look back and think "Holy fuck, I did that."

I agree with tfkeel - make plans for yourself and your son. If you want to try to include your WH in that, do so, but if he is not there, then your son only has you. If you aren't in a good place to care for yourself, then you're not in a good place for him.

Not chastising or judging. Look out for yourself.


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7641 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, July 6th (Sunday)

I agree with the things you have said, tfkeel. However, I don't know how to implement them. All I do is go over things in my head. It is an awful feeling to know he has this much control over me. But I don't know how to change it. I want him to cone home and be the man I married so bad. And Friday, he sounded like that man again. Now I haven't heard from him so I feel like I am heading back to square one with everything.

I wish I could stop the images in my head about what he has done or is doing. Do they ever stop? I want to save my marriage and at times, I believe he does too.

I worry constantly about the damage that has been done to my son because of all of this. He told me that he knows his dad is sick but if he gets better, he needs to come home. I told him that he has to get better first and we don't know if he will hurt us like this again. He said we still have to try. What do I say to that? It is out of my hands, I will do anything to try. But now it is all him. And that is the part that scares me. I hope he changes his homeplan and starts to show me instead of just tell me. But how do I deal in the meantime?


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
Schadenfreude
Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, July 6th (Sunday)

Can you see and tell us how happy your MIL is with her husband? If she's still in the picture.

If. to, can you contact her for some,first hand advice about how her H was with your H when he was young?

Apple didn't fall too far for that tree, did it? Is that what younwant for your son because you have convinced yourself,you love him too much to ever let him go? That's selfish. Sorry to say, but hats how I see it. You may be a coD or,whatever, but that does not give you a free pass to inflict damage on your son.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, July 6th (Sunday)

I want him to cone home and be the man I married so bad.

You have to stop this thinking. You have to get ahold of yourself and start thinking more clearly.

You have to stop thinking that "if he could just be home everything will be wonderful" and the like. What about your boy? Do you really want this mentally ill, drug addicted, abusive man coming into your home to represent to your boy how a man is suppose to act? Be a father? Be a husband?

IF and that is a big IF you do allow him to come back home, he needs to complete extensive alcohol and drug treatment programs. He needs to be evaluated by a psychiatrist and have his medication stabilized. He needs to get into an intensive IC. Then and only then should you consider reconciliation.

YOU need to get yourself into IC and find out why you find his poor behavior acceptable.

I'm sorry if this comes across as harsh. But I fear that if you take him back without the above, you are only asking for more problems.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8040 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
hard_yards
Member
Member # 23549
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, July 6th (Sunday)

Please re read sadtoo's post.... then go back and read all the posts from you and responses from people here, who care about you.

Yes, we are a community of people who by and large, never meet, but that gives us the ability to looks at your posts with a clarity that isn't possible when you're stuck right in the middle of it.

This time that he's locked up is the perfect time for you to get yourself sorted without having him to confuse you and cloud your judgement.

Please, step away from him, needing him, worrying about him, wanting to hear from him, worrying about whether he's taking his meds, where he'll go on release, wondering who he's phoning when he's not phoning you.... worry, worry, fret, fret, hurt, hurt.... this is no way to live.

Please don't take offense, but you are incredibly dependent on him, and he's just not up to the job, he's far, far, too damaged.

Fixing him is not your job.

He might have been great to start with but look at how he is now, maybe the "great guy" was a facade, and what you see now is the real deal....

Is this a person who is a loving partner for you and a loving father and role model for your son?

He has chosen to walk the path he's on, he always had the ability to go a different way, but this life is of his own doing. I realize his parents were abysmal role models, but he could have looked at them, and their life and wanted different for himself. Please try not to let history repeat itself again.

Fixing him is not your job.

If this was happening to your friend, what would you tell her to do?

Take the advice from tushnurse, get yourself all the help that's available, contact the social services that can make this transition a reality, lean on your family, who care about you. You don't have to just imagine a life without the stress, drama and heartache that you have right now, that life can be yours.

Hugs honey, do this for yourself and your son.



I feel like I'm in a parallel universe... everything looks the same... but something's just not right...

Posts: 1243 | Registered: Apr 2009
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, July 6th (Sunday)

I don't mean to sound harsh but healing may be faster and better if you learn how to deal with missing your WH while moving on with your own life in healthy ways..

He isn't gonna be home next week or next month anyway, he is in prison, so what choice do you have?

You are not betraying your WH if you enjoy your daily life without him being there..

Take classes to be more marketable in your current job, or look for a (new)job...

Set up a daily routine for you and your kiddo that you two can look forward to..

Make the most mundane of tasks like cooking a party by involving your son..Enjoy sports together too if you both like them..Go to the library and enjoy readings/ other activities with your son..

Try to build up your network of adult friends and get togethers too..Coffee time with girlfriends..

I would rather adjust to missing my WH and be taking measures to heal as best as I can without him, than be stuck with a greedy remorseless pig who won't leave (be kicked out of the house)...


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1437 | Registered: Nov 2011
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, July 6th (Sunday)

My MIL is absolutely miserable. She stays doped up on pain pills and xanax, when she is awake. She sleeps all day and is like a zombie. I do NOT want to be like that.

What I think everyone is mising and what I am having the most trouble with, is that we had 10 good years of no drug use. This is NOT typical behavior for my husband. Yes, he is an alcoholic and has struggled with addiction BEFORE OUR SON, but he has been clean since.

The stories that I have heard from my husband and his sister is that my FIL was a good dad also, until their teen years when he was in a fourwheeler wreck and broke both legs. He became addicted to pain pills and everything went downhill from there.

I don't expect a free pass to inflict damage on my child. I am doing the best I know how, to protect him from this nightmare. He has seen too much and heard me cry way too much. But i am doing the best I can. I don't mean to be selfish, I am thinking of my son when I say I want to fix my marriage. He needs both parents, he deserves that. His dad hasn't been the best this last few months, he has been the selfish one. I have been making excuses and picking up the pieces he left behind. My son knows this is not normal behavior and up until these last few months, he had a great dad. So am I being selfish for wanting to give THAT back to him? I KNOW my husband can be that again. It will never be easy but with A LOT of work, we can get there again.

I am trying to adjust without him. It is an all new hurt now that he is in prison. I still hadn't adjusted to him not being here because he was cheating on me. Now this is thrown on top of that pain. It is all so raw and new still. I have so many mixed up emotions and I don't know how to deal with them. I wish I didn't want to talk to him, to hear his voice so bad. I wish I could stop worrying, stressing and fretting about him. But it is what I do, I am a worrier. I want to fix everything, including him. I am struggling with the fact that I CAN'T.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
naivegirl
Member
Member # 14234
Default  Posted: 12:03 AM, July 7th (Monday)

The wanting to fix him is the codependency. This is why you need to keep reading those books and try to find a support group for spouses of addicts. I know it is hard. Even if you don't feel strong just keep trying. Your husband is where he needs to be now. He needs to fix himself. You just need to focus on your own healing and helping your son.


Me BS 39
Him WH 38

D-day #1 Jan 31 2007
D-Day #2 March 25 2007
Roll on Roll on Roller Coaster
We're one day older and one step closer
Roll on there's mountains to climb
Roll on we're on borrowed time
-Kid Rock

Working on Re


Posts: 1744 | Registered: Apr 2007
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 12:44 AM, July 7th (Monday)

What I think everyone is mising and what I am having the most trouble with, is that we had 10 good years of no drug use. This is NOT typical behavior for my husband. Yes, he is an alcoholic and has struggled with addiction BEFORE OUR SON, but he has been clean since
.
Nobody is missing this. But you will never convince me that you had "10 good years" with an ACTIVE alcoholic. And obviously he hasn't been "clean". You just weren't aware of what he's been doing.

I am so destroyed and crushed, I don't even know where to begin...a month ago, my husband left to go visit his mom, in a town 15 minutes from our house. While he was gone, I received a call from someone telling me he was out cheating on me. I asked my husband what that was about. He didn't answer, and he didn't come home, for 16 days.

This is horrible!

I do believe he has gotten involved with drugs. He has a past history with addiction and is an alcoholic. He also has mental issues.

How is it possible to have "10 good years" with someone with these problems?

Unfortunately, I already have had sex with him. He was home for a week and I thought things were going to be okay. I had MY husband back and I was overjoyed. I was willing to let the past 16 days go, just to have my husband home. I just don't understand what went wrong. Up until the night he left, there had been no issues! He couldn't tell me why he didn't come home, other than he didn't want to face me.

How do you just allow your husband to disappear for SIXTEEN days without explaination??? And because you're so desperate to have him home, you have unprotected sex with him?? And right up until this incident there have been "no issues" ??? Why is he on parole??? What's that issue?

I have stood by him and supported him through so much. More than most women would have and this is the thanks I get.

Right here you're being honest. There have been issues. MANY issues.

He is on parole, he spent time in a treatment center. And I stood by him, I supported him. I believed in him. And I defended him. Today is his monthly call in to his parole officer. I was always the one to remind him to make that call. I always made sure he did. Unfortunately, his PO isn't too concerned with him because he has done the right thing for so long. He has only physically seen her 1x since his release over 3 years ago. I know he is headed back, only this time it won't be a treatment center. He will do actual prison time. I pray he straightens up before then
.

So was he in prison/treatment for the first 5 years of your son's life? Is he only staying clean as part of his parole?

Again, I am only pointing these things out to you as a way to try and help you see the reality of your situation. You are in DENIAL. Please take the advice being offered to you here. Get to an alanon meeting and get yourself into IC. You have to start focusing on YOU.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 12:45 AM, July 7th (Monday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8040 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Schadenfreude
Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 6:32 AM, July 7th (Monday)

Read up on codependency. Your self worth image hinges on fixing him to the exclusion of everybody else in your life. Is your MIL the way she is because of FIL or is she just a natural born loser in her own right? If because of FIL your future is right there in how she lives.

As long as Jailbird consumes your thoughts you cannot improv your life or that of your son. Son knows he comes in second place no matter how much you deny it.

You need help and his imprisonment might be your last real chance for you and your son.

Yes it's harsh but hearts and flowed messages don't get through to you. You need to act positively.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, July 7th (Monday)

BB Mom - YOU believe you love him. Honestly you love what you believed he was. IT's impossible to see the forest for the trees when you are standing in the middle of it.

You have started to make all kinds of excuses for him, pretty common thing to do when you are the wife/child/partner of and addict. STOP.

Your husband is an Addict. Period. Clean for x number of years???? Um no sorry. He was drinking, that is not being clean. That's using a different substance to get you through. He is an addict. Until he starts to make those steps to heal himself, and realize that he physically, and mentally can no longer use any substance of any kind you continue to live with, and enable this addict. STOP.

You say your son deserves both parents? STOP. What you son deserves is having one parent that is strong enough to help him through life, and be a strong, guiding influence on him to become a healthy normal productive member of society, what he doesn't deserve is two completely broken parents giving him some jacked up version of normal. You seriously think it's ok that he is exposed to a man that does drugs, is on parole, and in and out of jail? That is not having a dad.

Step back from this and look at it from the point of view of your best friend, your mother, or even a compete stranger, it will become obvious that this relationship is unhealthy, and until he makes himself healthy it will continue to be that way. YOU CAN NOT DO THIS FOR HIM.
YOU CAN NOT MAKE HIM CLEAN/SOBER.
HE HAS TO MAKE THE CHOICE TO DO IT, AND THEN HE HAS TO PROVE THAT HE IS DOING IT FOR THE LONG HAUL, not just until he gets out of jail, or back in your home.

He is a grown man, capable of making his own choices. DO NOT allow him to make you the person responsible for him.

(((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8913 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, July 7th (Monday)

Work on yourself while he is gone..If there was something good that you and your son did today, something that made you smile, hang on to the fact that today was a good day..Baby steps...With each new positive thing that happens every day you will feel stronger..
A couple of weeks, maybe a month down the road you will find that you are adjusting to life on your own, making all of the decisions of day to day life..As you begin to enjoy good/better days on your own, you may get more clarity on where your life is headed and what you want to do....


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1437 | Registered: Nov 2011
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, July 7th (Monday)

It is not your job to stand by your man when your man has PROVED beyond all doubt that he is not responsible enough to be a real partner. He is the only one wjho can fix himself. He is not yet doing that. Step back. Let him fail or succeed on his own and focus on YOU. On addressing your codependency and finding your strength.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4247 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
k94ever
Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, July 7th (Monday)

"Children would rather BE from a broken home than LIVE in one."

BBM....are you even hearing what we are saying? He is an alcoholic. And a drug user. And a cheater.

Do you SERIOUSLY want that as a role model for your son? Just because you want to be with a bad boy who doesn't respect you?

You keep saying you are doing the best you know how. Honey...we are trying to teach you to do better and you don't want to learn because it's hard.

You have to learn to do better for your son's sake.

Otherwise you are doomed to live your MIL's life and your son will become your husband and FIL.

Make a better choice for your son.

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6638 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
brokenblackbird
Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, July 7th (Monday)

He is in the best place for him right now. And for you.

He is in prison. He can't use. He can't physically be with OW (although he is calling her and maybe even writing her letters, you have to know that, right?).

This leaves you free to read everything you can about boundaries and how to set them for yourself. It gives you time to attend Al-Anon meetings and discover your co-dependency with an addict and how that affects everything in your life.

This is YOUR time to discover YOUR life. You don't have to worry about him - he is locked up. You don't have to talk to him. You can't change anything about his situation anyway. And, sweetie, he hasn't been thinking about the situation he has put you in emotionally or financially.

He is going to do a lot of talking with pretty words that might make you think he has figured it out - but that's just the prison talking. Remember when he left you for 16 days and didn't call or get in touch with you? Yeah, that is the real him right now.

Distance yourself. Heal yourself. Learn about yourself.


Posts: 857 | Registered: Sep 2010
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, July 8th (Tuesday)

No he was not in treatment for the first 5 years of our sons life...he spent 9 months in treatment and actually it wasn't because of drugs or alcohol that he was sent there. It was actually over child support and when he was sent to jail, he filled out paperwork stating that he had previous addiction history and they gave him what they call shock treatment instead of actual prison time. That is what he was on parole for.

Of course, we have had issues before. No marriage is perfect but this is the first time anything like this has happened. We have NEVER had issues like this. Alcohol or not.

Maybe I am making excuses for him. Maybe I am trying to justify something. I don't know. All I know for sure right now, is that our world has completely changed and I am trying to do my best to adapt to that.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
Schadenfreude
Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, July 8th (Tuesday)

Child,support for what child? Sorry I don't understand. Does he have another child? If so. What sort of relationship with that child has he screwed up?

Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, July 8th (Tuesday)

Yes he has a 14 year old from a one night stand. She doesn't live in this state. We see her usually about 2 maybe 3x a year.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, July 8th (Tuesday)

He was on parole for not paying child support?


I have shared with you my sister's story. I am seeing some things in you that I saw in my mother. My mother made excuses for my sister. And felt sorry for her. And took partial blame. And was willing, and desperate, to allow just about anything, as long as she came home.

My mother was my sister's biggest enabler.

By making excuses and feeling sorry for him, and offering him a comfy place to fall, you are enabling him.

Right now, while he is in prison, is the time for you to get strong. Go see a therapist. Detach so you aren't co-dependent. Get tough with him. Get angry. Stand up for yourself..stand up for your child. Tell him you will NOT allow him back unless and until he has taken steps to show you he will not do this again. And that will take time. Not prison time..time in the real world.

Its said around here...if you want to save your marriage, you have to be willing to lose it.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 8111 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, July 8th (Tuesday)

Maybe I am making excuses for him. Maybe I am trying to justify something.

Most unfortunately, you are.

You're blaming his CHOICE to have an affair on his drug relapse - which was also a CHOICE he made. Many years ago I was married to a recovering dual-addicted alcoholic/drug user (we'd married when he was 4 years sober). He always told me that every single DAY he had to make the choice to NOT drink or do drugs and to stay sober.

It was a choice your husband made, BaseballMom. He didn't fall 'prey' to a relapse which in turn 'made' him disrespect and dishonor you by finding some druggie skank to have an affair with. HE chose that.

I think once you're able to put the blame exactly where it belongs - on HIS shoulders - you'll have a better chance of making an educated decision about whether you really want someone like this as role model for your son.

This post may appear harsh to you, but one day you'll see exactly what I was saying.

Good luck to you.

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 8:03 AM, July 8th (Tuesday)]


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1975 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, July 8th (Tuesday)

My son knows this is not normal behavior and up until these last few months, he had a great dad. So am I being selfish for wanting to give THAT back to him? I KNOW my husband can be that again. It will never be easy but with A LOT of work, we can get there again.
The place for you to do the work is at Al-Anon. If you want to help your son, Al-Anon. Help yourself, Al-Anon. Help your husband, Al-Anon. Can't say it enough. Go to a meeting every day if you can. Try several to find some you like. You do not have to speak if it's overwhelming/scary to share your story. Just sit and listen. Evaluate after ninety days whether or not it's helped. And {{{ hugs }}}

Posts: 1357 | Registered: Aug 2010
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, July 8th (Tuesday)

Of course, we have had issues before. No marriage is perfect but this is the first time anything like this has happened. We have NEVER had issues like this. Alcohol or not.

Maybe I am making excuses for him. Maybe I am trying to justify something. I don't know. All I know for sure right now, is that our world has completely changed and I am trying to do my best to adapt to that.

Yes you are making excuses. You lived with an addict, and enabled his behaviors. You are so twisted up in things that you have no compass to know true north.

We are trying to guide you, to help you. Are you doing any of the things we mentioned and encouraged you to do in this thread, and the prior one?

You have a choice. A choice to stay stuck, and continue to have a completely dysfunctional relationship, and give your kid two broken parents, and most likely end up with a son that either follows these fabulous footsteps, or runs for the hills as fast as he can the second he gets old enough.

We get it's scary, and hard, and painful. But sister this pain is better to work through now, and heal yourself so you aren't going through the same thing again in 6 months, a year, 2 years, with your son seeing it all over again and again and again.

It's your choice. There is a way to do this, that puts you in a much better place 6 months to a year from now. All you have to do is take the first step.

[This message edited by tushnurse at 11:44 AM, July 8th (Tuesday)]


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8913 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, July 8th (Tuesday)

...he spent 9 months in treatment and actually it wasn't because of drugs or alcohol that he was sent there. It was actually over child support and when he was sent to jail, he filled out paperwork stating that he had previous addiction history and they gave him what they call shock treatment instead of actual prison time. That is what he was on parole for
.

Ok. Well prior to the law becoming so aggressive they issue criminal warrants, they usually do any or all of the following:

*Suspension of driver’s license and revoking of driving privileges
*Denial of tax refunds and other government benefits
*Revocation of passport or changes to immigration status
*Garnishment of wages, including unemployment funds or worker’s compensation benefits
*Placing a lien on one’s real property to obtain funds for payment
*Denial of licenses such as hunting or boating licenses
*Lowering your credit score

Did any of this happen to him too?

Why didn't he pay the child support? That's what "good dads" do. They are there for their kids and if need be, they PAY their child support. It shouldn't matter if it was a ONS, marriage, or what ever. He should have taken responsibility and lived up to his obligation.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 1:19 PM, July 8th (Tuesday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8040 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
brokenblackbird
Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, July 8th (Tuesday)

I had no idea they sent people to treatment for unpaid child support. Darn, I missed the boat on getting my son's dad the help he needed much sooner!


Posts: 857 | Registered: Sep 2010
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, July 8th (Tuesday)

It may seem like we are being tough on you, and yes we are because we know what you are capable of And yet have not done. We know that right now yous are on the precipice of disaster or making the change that will not let you fall jut soar above it all. Come on girl you can do this but you have to do it.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8913 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, July 9th (Wednesday)

Yes, Sadtoo, those things all happened to him and then he was placed on probation, which led to the treatment center. He wasn't sent to the treatment center because of the child support. They chose to send him there instead of prison after his evaluation at intake. And I am sure that the overcrowding of the prison system also had something to do with that decision.

Things have changed drastically in the last few days. Right now, I am so confused and scared I don't know which way I am going. He will be released tomorrow between 9:30-1:00, on house arrest.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
brokenblackbird
Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, July 9th (Wednesday)

Are his parents paying for his house arrest?

Posts: 857 | Registered: Sep 2010
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, July 9th (Wednesday)

Well bless you, BaseballMom. I guess you have no choice but deal with him coming home.

Good luck to you.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1975 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, July 9th (Wednesday)

(((BAseballMom)))

I hope you can follow up on the suggestion to go to Al-Anon to deal with his being release. You have to find your strength. It's in you if you dig deep enough.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4247 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 10:50 AM, July 9th (Wednesday)

Why are you "confused & scared"?

Have you gone to an AlAnon meeting? Are you seeing a therapist?

Please, please, please at least TRY to do the things we are suggesting. Your situation is not going to get any better until YOU get better. You cannot control him, nor can you fix him. But you can control & fix you.

Anything is better than spending the day "hysterical on the couch" & or "scared & confused".


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8040 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, July 9th (Wednesday)

Please don't let him come home while on house arrest
.

He is detoxing. You have a scared, confused little boy and he doesn't need to be around his dad while he is going through withdrawal.

And what happens if he comes back...but continues to have contact with OW. When you are gone, she will be in your house,possibly around your son.


He is addict who wanted nothing to do with you are your son, not until he was arrested and was looking for a soft place to fall.


Don't be Plan B.


[This message edited by confused615 at 10:55 AM, July 9th (Wednesday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 8111 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, July 9th (Wednesday)

I have not been to an Al-Anon meeting but I have been reading a lot online. I don't know much about house arrest, but I do know that I will NOT be paying for it. I am struggling to pay for the things that my son and I need. If it was not for my Dad, I wouldn't be making it all. And I know that he IS NOT going to pay for anything for him....

Right now, and for the 1st time since this entire nightmare started, I DON'T CARE. I DON'T CARE what he does, who he does it with or where he ends up. I am just fed up. I got a letter from him yesterday that was pretty confusing. He started off by saying how he can't believe how one moment, one decision changed the lives so drastically and ruined everything. He was very sorry...then he proceeded to tell me EVERYTHING. Granted, I had been asking for the WHOLE truth, I just didn't expect it to be what I actually heard. I thought that this was all about fun to him, but apparently him and his homewrecking whore were planning to buy a house (how in the hell that would ever happen, I will never know!) and start new lives together. There was a lot more but that really stuck out to me...then at the end he was asking me where to go from there and what we could do. THEN last night, he called and was just a complete ASS.

It is just such a mess and nightmare. I am so tired of dealing with it all. And yes, I screwed up when his parole officer called...he has every intention of coming to MY house. BUT my son will be gone for 2 weeks with my Dad so he will be out of the house. It will just be the two of us, maybe we can get some screaming and yelling out of the way. I am sure that it won't be fun. If after the 2 weeks, something hasn't changed and he is still acting like I am his "warden" then he will be leaving. I don't care if he is on house arrest or not. Not my problem. I don't care.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
brokenblackbird
Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, July 9th (Wednesday)

Actually it might be your problem if you allow him to come back and be on house arrest at your home. They don't just change the location willy-nilly. It has to be a STABLE ENVIRONMENT where he is going to be all the time. They monitor this shit. Its JAIL but at home.

Once he is in, he is in and you and your son are going to be stuck with him there 24/7 until his house arrest is up.

The two weeks your son is gone probably won't begin to be the tip of the iceburg in resolving your conflict.

I'm sorry you don't feel strong enough to have set up the boundaries that you and your son need and deserve. But this is has disaster written all over it.


Posts: 857 | Registered: Sep 2010
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, July 9th (Wednesday)

And if decides to continue his affair while in your home and on house arrest, there won't be much you can do.about it. You can't cut off his phone, because a phone is a requirement of house arrest.

You need to contact his parole officer right now and tel her what he has done...and he is not welcome in your house.

I'm afraid you are so desperately wanting him back that you won't do anything to stop him from being there. And it is going to cause you and your son tremendous pain.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 8111 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, July 9th (Wednesday)

I sadly agree...I feel like this is going to blow up in my face. Luckily, my son will not be there and he can alway stay longer at my Dads, if needed. I was told that he can transfer out, if a stable home is lined up. If not, I can call his parole officer and have him removed. If a halfway house isn't available, he will go back to prison.

He has no where else to go so it will be prison or the halfway house. He can't go to his whores or his parents. So he is basically screwed. And me too, I guess. Yes, I know that is my fault and I am taking full credit for this huge mistake. I can feel it....it may be the biggest mistake I have ever made.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
WeepingBuddhist
Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, July 9th (Wednesday)

You're going to let this man into your home? AYFKM? If you have been reading a lot online and still decided that is what you want to do, please go back and read some more.


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 676 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
outtanowhere
Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, July 9th (Wednesday)

I so hate to see you let him come back to your house. You might as well give him a VIP card that says "you may treat me like shit but, I''ll always be here for you". What incentive will he ever have to change the way he treats you? There are NO consequences for him so, why not? He has NO respect for you but, he might as well go home since you are there with open arms.

People don''t just give you respect BBM. You have to demand it! He has literally forgotten about you up until this point but, now he is up against the wall and here you come to the rescue just like he knew you would. Rinse-lather-repeat.

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!! It''s HIS problem, not yours! For once, just once, let him put on on his big boy britches and figure it out for himself! Every time you rescue him, it sets him back from growing up. Something that is long overdue! If you let him in, you are just setting yourself up for the next time he decides to forget he has a family.

I''m sorry honey but, if you don''t learn from this the cycle just repeats.

[This message edited by outtanowhere at 1:32 PM, July 9th, 2014 (Wednesday)]


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 803 | Registered: Apr 2013
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, July 9th (Wednesday)

Ok I have tried to encourage you gently, and I have tried to show you how to proactively protect yourself and your son.

But seriously BBM- You have to stop being the perpetual victim here. YOU have a choice, and YOU can say NO I DO NOT WANT HIM HERE. YOU can say I AM DONE WITH HIM. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO SEND YOUR SON AWAY, SO THIS ASS HAT CAN COME WREAK HAVOC ON YOUR LIFE.

YOU have to stop thinking like a victim, and start thinking like a strong awesome woman. YOU need to reach deep inside, and pull out your inner goddess, and let her guide you.

I guarantee that if you let him come home, you will fall right back into your codependent enabling role, and convince yourself it ain't so bad, and probably even allow your boy to come home while he is there drinking a case of beer a day, and it's not a problem because it's just beer.

Let him clean up his act and show you consistently for 30-60-90 days that he is doing something before you allow him to screw you up again.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8913 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
abbycadabby
Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, July 9th (Wednesday)

I'm going to be harsh.

If I were you, I would NOT send my son to stay with my father while I allowed my drug addicted, parole violating wayward H in my home.

What the hell kind of message are you sending to your son, who is already reeling from his father's abandonment, if you shove him to the side in favor of your H?

And what in the world guarantee do you have that there will be a stable home lined up when needed if things don't work out? 2 weeks is not a long enough time frame to make the lasting changes that he'd need to make in order for me to allow him back into my home.

Stop and think, BBM. Protect yourself. Protect your precious son. You've been given some great advice throughout this ordeal- now DO some of it for crying out loud.

I know you're floundering here. I'm a BW. I've been there. But for fucks sake, please start thinking rationally.

I hope I'm not too harsh here.

(((BBM and DS)))

[This message edited by abbycadabby at 2:42 PM, July 9th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 1324 | Registered: Feb 2010
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, July 9th (Wednesday)

Let him go to prison or the halfway house. Those are his consequences. Don't protect him from them, and don't feel sorry that he has to pay the piper.

Why is this up to you to fix?

Why do you have to be his soft place?

Don't you see, honey, that he has no options because of the choices he has made? And that therefore maybe he doesn't deserve to have any options?

Stop trying to save him and help him. Just stop. Let him fall.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4247 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
cissi
Member
Member # 21737
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, July 9th (Wednesday)

He and the other methhead - who cares what they talked about while high on meth? Have you ever done meth? Big ideas, big plans, all bullshit.

You are sounding much stronger. But, I suspect that is only because you know he is now coming home. You are actually happy and feel at peace knowing that.

Where is your confidence when he leaves or when he runs off to do meth? Where is your strength then? That is what you need to work on - finding your strength and self-esteem.


Posts: 1450 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Southern California
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, July 9th (Wednesday)

Seriously??

Your solution is to SEND YOUR SON AWAY??? OMG! And welcome back the drug addicted, cheating criminal??!!

Just what do you think he's going to be doing while you're at work? Cleaning the house? Making you dinner? Making household repairs?

I'll bet a big NO on that. He's going to have the OW over at YOUR house in YOUR bed. And he's probably going to have drugs in YOUR house too.

You could lose your son over this decision. I hope you realize how completely irresponsible you are being right now.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8040 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, July 10th (Thursday)

I am NOT sending my son away, he is going on vacation with his grandparents. This trip has been planned for awhile. Long before this nightmare began. They left this morning for Florida and will be gone for 2 weeks. If needed, he can stay a few extra days when they get back. But I don't think that will be necessary.

I am not welcoming him back. I have been wrestling with what to do since I found out. I am giving it the 2 weeks to see what happens, he will be on complete house arrest with an ankle bracelet monitoring him. Drugs will not be an option while wearing that. Trust me, I have already thought EVERYTHING that you are saying.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, July 10th (Thursday)

Honestly I think it's good that your son is going away, but I would also encourage you to NOT allow him to come to your home.

YOU need to spend some time getting yourself strong, and getting your head on straight. He is going to come in, and manipulate you like he has been able to all along. I don't believe you have really started to find your strength. I do believe you can but not with him there yammering at you, making you feel less than you should, and then love bombing you over and over.

I hope I'm wrong, and you do have your senses together, and have found some strength. Use this time regardless of him being there to detach, and go to some Al-Anon meetings, and seeing a therapist.
Please please please whatever you do, DO NOT HAVE SEX with this man. He has recently used meth, God only knows what he has exposed himself to during his usage time.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8913 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, July 10th (Thursday)

Is his name on the lease?

Im not so sure you can just make him leave, if his name is on the lease.

So in two weeks time, he will need to find true remorse...and go NC with OW, and agree to STD testing, and IC, and he will need to be completely honest with you, willing to answer all of your questions, patient, loving, taking full responsibility for his actions, and do what you need to heal, and willing to look for a job...pretty tall order for a man in withdrawal..but all necessary for him to be considered safe for you and your son.

Do you think he is capable of this?


Please don't ask you son to "stay away a few more days if necessary." The kid will want to come home. He has been through Hell these last few months. He will want to come home to the comfort of his home and his mother. He doesn't deserve to be told he can't come home yet because his father is being a jerk. And you know his father is going to be an ass. he was an ass to you the other night on the phone. So why allow him to come home? Hasn't he emotionally abused you and your son enough? Your son needs time to heal too. And being told he can't come home because the man who abandoned him can't behave himself...is unfair.

Look, I get it. i do. I really, really do. I made all kinds of excuse for my sister..who is 18 years younger than me..and more like my child than my sister. I enabled. I was willing to do just about anything to "help" her. This kid OD'd twice..was on life support the first time..and had 2 strokes the second time. I was at the hospital when she woke up both times. If you have never been in that position, consider yourself lucky. It is the most miraculous, horrific thing I have ever witnessed. It was worse than dday. I had to hold her down while she was choking on her breathing tube(me and 3 nurses). I also had to help her go to the bathroom because she couldn't walk. That was 13 months ago. She walks with a limp. She is in prison, serving a 4 year sentence. She will be 24 years old next month. I miss her. Every day. But I watched her die...twice. So I thank God she is in prison. because if she wasn't, she would be dead.

I share that with you so you will hopefully understand that the advice you are getting isn't "just words." Some of us have BTDT. We understand that until an addict wants to get clean, they will destroy everyone around them. And there isn't one.damn.thing. you can do to make them want to get clean. It has to come from them. Is he there yet?

If you can answer this question, then by all means, let him come home....

Is he a safe person...mentally, physically, and emotionally safe..for me and my child?

I wish you luck. I have a strong feeling you never even gave him not coming home any serious consideration. And that makes me sad. Because he is going to cause you..and your boy..more pain.

[This message edited by confused615 at 9:52 AM, July 10th (Thursday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 8111 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, July 10th (Thursday)

I'm curious -- how is a monitoring bracelet going to prevent him from using drugs?

You cannot see this right now but your thinking is not clear. Unclear thinking is a normal side-effect of dealing with a messed-up person for a long time -- but when you are embroiled/enmeshed in the situation, you just can't see it or how messed up everything really is.

Please PHYSICALLY GO to an Ala-non meeting or any other type of support group that you can find for family members of addicts. You can even look into your local domestic violence agency for help.

You need to save yourself and more importantly, your son.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8263 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
outtanowhere
Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, July 10th (Thursday)

BBM, you came here looking for help and you have gotten the best advise that is available from folks who not only survived heartbreak, they thrived! The suggestions here, in my opinion, are better than my therapist has been able to offer me. Once I started to understand the dynamics of what a healthy relationship looks like, I have been able to improve mine by just following some very practical steps and, number 1 is respect yourself. People tend to live up to your expectations and if you set the bar low then that''s usually the effort they will put into relating to you.

I wish you courage, strength and a whole lot of luck because, I believe that you are just setting yourself for more of the same by not changing your expectations.

ETA - not to mention what will shape your son as he learns the awful behaviors that you seem to be willing to accept.

[This message edited by outtanowhere at 11:39 AM, July 10th, 2014 (Thursday)]


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 803 | Registered: Apr 2013
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, July 10th (Thursday)

I am not welcoming him back. I have been wrestling with what to do since I found out. I am giving it the 2 weeks to see what happens, he will be on complete house arrest with an ankle bracelet monitoring him. Drugs will not be an option while wearing that. Trust me, I have already thought EVERYTHING that you are saying.

YES you are. You have to go to the courts and SIGN and agree to the terms in order to have him in your house! This isn't a "we'll see what happens" type situation. You are committing to the COURTS that you are partially responsible for him while he is on house arrest.

Oh yeah...that little ankle bracelet is going to keep him from doing meth. Right.

You have thought about everything we are saying? Really? But we're all idiots so you've decided you have a better plan?

What you don't understand is that we are TRYING TO HELP YOU. But first you must help yourself. You're like the story about the little girl who kept picking up the poisonous snake in the forrest and put him in her coat because he told her he was cold. She knew he was a poisonous snake when she picked him up, yet she was surprised when he bit her.

You are this little girl. And your husband is a poisonous snake.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8040 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

He is out BUT not coming home. Which is actually for the best. He just sent me a text (you know, from his "bosses" phone) saying that he is scared to death to come home because of what my family friend will do to him. OH and what I did to him by talking to his po. He went in and fed her a line of bullshit. But that is okay with me. I am done. I can't deal with his nonsense and bullshit any longer.

And no, his name is not on the lease. It is MY house. I am done. Let him have his whore and his drugs. Good luck to him. He has 2 weeks before he even gets the bracelet. He will be back in prison in no time, but it isn't my problem. I have spent too long being scared and worried and protecting him. It is time to focus on me and my son.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
Schadenfreude
Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

Wow, talk about a sudden visit to Reality World. Good for you. You don't seem to have collapsed at this news, which is an excellent sign in my opinion.

Neither you nor your son needs this loser in your daily life. And I think you are seeing that.

We've made some "strong" posts here not to hurt you, but to let you know what you have now discovered.

Keep up the good work on yourself.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
TimeToGo2014
Member
Member # 43909
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

Wow that is a great change of circumstances. I hope you really mean that you are done, done. Now get to al-anon stat and continue posting here for support. You can do it!!!

Posts: 130 | Registered: Jun 2014
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

Go online and look up Alanon phone meetings. You can call into one of several a day! You don't have to announce yourself, you can just listen to the other people who have a problem of alcohol in their family, and how alanon's tools are helping them and helping the alcoholic...

One thing I was told was that if the alcoholic/addict gets help, and I didn't get help, then they would outgrow me. That got me off my ass and into phone meetings and real meetings.

Work on your self while he is there.

Many addicts and alcholics relapse. What they do after the relapse is to be watched very carefully.


Keep Calm and Happy On!

me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed


Posts: 2396 | Registered: Jan 2012
outtanowhere
Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

I really hope you mean it. I don't think anyone here is happy to see the breakup of a family but, this is not what family is supposed to look like. Look up the definition.

I never say never anymore for obvious reasons but, for now, make you and your son the priority. You just might start enjoying life without all the drama and mind bending anti social behaviors!


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 803 | Registered: Apr 2013
IrishGirlVA
Member
Member # 39694
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

He just sent me a text (you know, from his "bosses" phone) saying that he is scared to death to come home because of what my family friend will do to him. OH and what I did to him by talking to his po.

OMG -- that is such bullshit! He will always and forever make it your fault for why he stays away.

I hope you realize this is only shit he is feeding you.

If it wasn't so pathetically sad, I'd be laughing. But I'm not laughing.

[This message edited by IrishGirlVA at 2:31 PM, July 10th (Thursday)]


Me, the "B": 42yo
Him, the "W": 38yo
DDay: June 2013
Status: Over

Posts: 382 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Virginia
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

I have went through a full range of emotions today. From relief to anger to numbness to heartbreak and to emptiness. He was texting telling me how my family friend is trying to set him up and how he is "terrified" he will get him sent to prison for a minumum of 8yrs....blah blah blah.

He hadn't called us in 2 days, he has been thinking of an excuse to not come home. It was obvious he didn't want to. He couldn't even give me a straight answer when I asked if he was done with her. Just a smartass comment. I guess I know now how he really feels about me.

I sent him a text telling him that I am sorry he feels this way and I hope she makes him happy in the ways that I couldn't. And not to text me back, I am deleting his number. I will give him what he wants, I will leave him alone.

The last 13 or more years of my life have revolved around him. I have given him my all. For what? To lose my family to drugs, alcohol and a useless whore?


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
scaredyKat
Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

You haven't lost your family. Your son is your family. He is an addict. Think of your husband as dead. Because, while addicted, the guy you married IS! Addicts have only one love- their drug. Even the OW in his case is just a conduit to the drug, not even a real person, just someone to get high with.


PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE go to Naranon or Alan on. You will find such clarity, such peace. And help your son by finding a counselor to whom he can talk. Children of addicts too often wind up addicted! You MUST get well, with help, for your real family, your son!


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3879 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

You are losing him and gaining a chance at an amazing new life. Believe that. It is so, so true.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4247 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

I feel bad even saying this, but I think a death would have been easier to deal with. Is it horrible that I feel that way?

My son is my family, and the only reason I have to survive this. It took my husband less than 2 hrs AFTER I said for him to leave me alone to text. Still blaming me, of course. I don't know what he wants from me. Just leave me alone. Let me begin to heal. I feel like I am drowning. Everytime I come up for air, he pushes me back down.

I am beginning to see the mental abuse now. I just never thought I was being abused, but as I go through things in my head, I realize it. Things he purposely said only to hurt me, the blaming me, so much I missed....how could I be so stupid?!?

For some reason, he will not be getting his monitor for 2weeks. So he was basically given 2 free weeks to run and party. I am sure that plays a big part in why he ended up not xoming home. But oh well, like I said before, it is best for everyone. I just need to face facts.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

What are YOU going to do for YOURSELF over these next two weeks?

You have to start focusing on you and your son.

Of course it's all your fault! Who else is he going to blame? He's an addict and an abuser. This is what they do!

You're in good company though. It was all my fault too that my XWH cheated, had a secret OC with his OW, couldn't quit drinking, because I was abusing him, blah, blah fuckity-blah.

Who cares?

These people are TOXIC and will destroy your life if you allow them to do so. STOP now, say NO, lose his number and start your healing.

Believe me. You start to take steps to heal yourself now, you will be so strong in 6 months, you won't believe it. If you do nothing, or worse, keep doing what you're doing, you will be right where you are today. Only it could be worse.

You CAN do this! Get going!!


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8040 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, July 11th (Friday)

I honestly don't know what I am going to do...my son is gone. It will just be me. Yesterday, I laid on the couch and cried and tried to figure out how my life got so messed up.

He texted me until about 10 last night, even after I had told him not to and that I would delete his number. Still blaming me for everything. Now he is saying something that happened BEFORE we are even together has hurt him. So something I did, that isn't even wrong, hurt him so bad that it has caused him to do drugs and cheat on his wife. Oh and basically abandon his child?

If he wants a new life, with his whore...leave me alone. Why keep texting me? I can't heal if he won't leave me alone to do that.

6 months? I honestly can't see that far into the future. Hell, I don't even know how I will be in an hour.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
Schadenfreude
Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, July 11th (Friday)

No law says you must respond to calls or texts. So don't do it. You know he messes with your mind and which buttons to push. Nothing in it for you if you talk to him. Nothing.

Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
redsox13
Member
Member # 43391
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, July 11th (Friday)

You need this person out of your life. You need to find support to help you through it, but he will destroy everything in his path.

Don't let it be you.

Find help - there are good suggestions here.


BS - 45
WW - 43
In R for 5 years, still hurting but finally letting go

Posts: 329 | Registered: May 2014 | From: nh
outtanowhere
Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, July 11th (Friday)

Don''t engage with him when he texts you. Just ignore it. Let him spout out all the reasons you ruined his life leaving him no option but to go out and find a new woman (who will eventually be blamed for his bad choices) and return to drug activity so he can just bear to go on living.

Ignore him. Tell him to stop texting you and if he doesn''t tell him you will file harassment charges on him. Don''t just stand there and be his whipping boy. While your son is gone you will have every opportunity to get to an Alanon meeting. Trust me, the first time you go you will wonder why you didn''t do it sooner!

Take care BBM. This is such bullshit. I hope you get your fill of it soon and start fighting back for your own sanity!


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 803 | Registered: Apr 2013
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, July 11th (Friday)

BB Mom- Quit making his choices about you.

I guess I know now how he really feels about me.

This shows you don't quite get it yet. His choices are based on ONE thing. HIS NEXT HIGH. That's all. Everytime you respond, read, converse, check on him you are allowing him to abuse you again. STOP!!!!
Block his texts and calls if you can. If not delete them before you even read them. If there is some real emergency you will find out. Quit trying to save him. He doesn't want to be saved.

Quit allowing yourself to believe that he made this choice because of his whore. HE MADE THESE CHOICES FOR ONE REASON. ADDICTION.

We have been encouraging you now for over 2 weeks to get your ass to an Al-Anon meeting, and yet you haven't done this. Through many here they have bared their hearts and shared their personal and painful stories, and offer wisdom to prevent you from making the same mistakes, very painful mistakes they did.

You have 2 weeks, no son. You have two weeks to get your shit together, and save yourself. Do you have any idea how great an opportunity this is? Two weeks, 14 days to focus on you, and start to get yourself strong. You could be in a very different mindset by the time your son comes home, and sister your son needs at least one parent that has their shit together, so get up off that couch, and start working on how you are going to be strong.

Quit wallowing in pity of how could I be so stupid, and all the other negative self talk.
Pull it together. Start positive self talk, and start doing positive things for you!


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8913 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, July 11th (Friday)

I am beginning to see the mental abuse now. I just never thought I was being abused, but as I go through things in my head, I realize it. Things he purposely said only to hurt me, the blaming me, so much I missed....how could I be so stupid?!?
{{{ BBM }}} We all felt like that!!! (those of us who were abused) You're not stupid. Abuse happens to highly intelligent people, too. It's a vicious cycle that includes denial and blindness on our parts. Something to do with having too much hope, I think.

Please keep yourself safe. I would hazard a guess and say that not much physical abuse happens without there being emotional abuse first. When you leave an abuser, it's a dangerous time. They are scared to lose the control they had over us. Things can escalate, so stay physically safe.

Don't delete his texts. Document them. Make a copy somehow. Start a log of his behavior. You may not need it, and I hope not, but it'll be good to have it for court if he does something crazy.

Al-Anon and a domestic abuse advocate, Honey! I had to literally drag my feet into the domestic violence shelter at the police station. At the (locked) door I said to myself, "How in the world is this my life?" I found great help inside. For one thing, they did an evaluation on my situation to see what the likelihood of a problem with him could be. Scary results there!!

Stay safe and keep posting!!


Posts: 1357 | Registered: Aug 2010
abbycadabby
Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, July 11th (Friday)

BBM: he's keeping you engaged in his drama so that he's on your radar if he needs you to come to his rescue in the future. It sounds like he's abusive. His blaming you makes you second guess yourself and feel like the crazy one. Don't buy into it, honey. What he's saying is not true. He's using drugs and having an A because he's broken, period. It has nothing to do with you or anything you've done.

Know what you can do in the next 2 weeks? Go no contact with asshat. Only answer texts regarding finances or your son. Gather together all important documentation about finances and any proof you have of his A/parole violations/etc. See an attorney like yesterday. Get yourself to Alanon. Counseling for you and your DS if financially feasible. Get yourself tested for STDs. Order the book "Codependent No More" and read it.

I'm sure that your anger will come. Where there is anger, there is also a strength you never knew you possessed.

(((BBM)))

[This message edited by abbycadabby at 9:06 AM, July 11th (Friday)]


Posts: 1324 | Registered: Feb 2010
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, July 11th (Friday)

I honestly don't know what I am going to do...my son is gone. It will just be me. Yesterday, I laid on the couch and cried and tried to figure out how my life got so messed up.

Laying on the couch crying will get you nowhere. You KNOW how your life got so messed up. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and do something about it.

He texted me until about 10 last night, even after I had told him not to and that I would delete his number. Still blaming me for everything.

This is ABUSE. And if I were you, I would record and document all of these mean, nasty text messages and forward them right to his parole officer. Then I would get the money somehow (borrow it from your dad) and go file for divorce ASAP. And while you're at it, file for a protection order to keep him away from you and your son. Then every time he calls, texts, and harasses you again, call the police and have his ass thrown back in jail.

But this is just me.

You can sit on the couch and cry while he continues to beat you up and abuse you emotionally, or you can get up and do something about it.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 1:54 PM, July 11th (Friday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8040 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Schadenfreude
Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, July 11th (Friday)

Let him blame you all he wants. Why did you, for instance, push the crystal meth up his nose (or however one takes that drug)? Why did you shove his c@(k in her p#$$y? Why did you steal that money from him that he had saved up to pay his child support? Why didn't you buy the winning lottery ticket so all his problems would be solved. What sort of wife are you???????

This guy is nucking futs. The less you communicate with him the better off you'll be. I think you've realized that. He likes head games with you to control you. I think you should read up on codependency -- the overwhelming urge to fix another. You can't fix him. I'll bet you'll see that threats of prison won't fix him either.

He is an addict to multiple substances. You aren't the local rehab center.

And, when things get tough (i.e. you want to talk to him) remember whether your son is better off with or without this role model.

You never answered my question about whether your MIL is screwed up because of FIL or just screwed up all by herself. If because of FIL, you see your future if you stay with him. Look at FIL and see your future if you stay with him, too. Want to be with that in 30 years?


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, July 11th (Friday)

I know that I don't have to respond to him. But everytime he texts, I get a knot in my stomach and then butterflies. Stupid, I know, to still be in love with someone who has hurt me and our child so much. He has texted all day. Some blaming still, some feeling sorry for himself. But you know what? Not one text has he asked about his child. It has all been about him. Selfish. Uncaring. Addict. So many words come to my mind. I printed out several copies of the 180 list today. I am going to try it, AGAIN. I need to, for my own sanity.

He did tell me that he has to go to new parole officer, in a different county on Monday. The county they are transferring him to is much stricter than the county where our house is. Again, that is my Dads friends fault, which translates to my fault. Even though, he told his po himself that he was "scared" to come here. Whatever.

I am going to go to the Al-anon meeting in my area on Thursdsy. I am just really embarrassed about it because of my job and the fact that we live in such a small community. I just hate everyone knowing how bad things have gotten. I teach in a very prominent school in my area with a lot of people that I would prefer not to know that I have an convicted felon/addict for a husband. 1st time I have ever been embarrassed to say who/what my husband is....I have always been so proud of him.

About my MIL and FIL....I believe that she is emotionally and mentally abused as well. I don't think it has always been this way. She used to work and lead a productive life. The factory she worked at closed and she was home all the time with him, after his injury. I think he started abusing her after he became addicted. She started with xanax and soon became a zombie. Now she is so out of it, I honestly don't know if she realizes how bad her life has gotten. She is in a very deep depression. So I don't know if she has always had the mindset of an addict or if the years of living with him caused it. To be completely honest, the whole family is messed up and has addictive personalities. I sure hope it skips a generation and my son doesn't have the same problems.

And that is why I know I have to get better. I have to heal, if not for myself, but for him. He NEEDS a strong parent that can show him how to live a good life, without drugs or alcohol. I have to do this for him. And I will.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
Schadenfreude
Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, July 11th (Friday)

Worry about your environment and your son's
Being a loser addict isn't genetic

Get him out of your life


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, July 11th (Friday)

Wtf? Quit bearing his choices like some cross. He chose to be a felon he chose to be an addict DO NOT BE EMBARRASSED. You need to get over that and fast. You need to find meetings more than once a week too. Did you go yesterday? If not then you have lost a week on the support you could be getting if you went today. Don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today?

You are in crisis mode and you have a golden opportunity to make some real significant changes whole your boy is gone. Wouldn't it be nice for him to come home and see a mom that is fresh faced positive and having a plan for the future in place?
He deserves that at least.

You know what will quit your worries about what everyone else is thinking? Showing them just how strong you can be.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8913 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, July 11th (Friday)

Could you contact the parole officer about the harassing texts and see what can be done to stop them?


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11348 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, July 11th (Friday)

I was the child of a scenario similar to yours..My step dad was drunk..Drove while drunk, killed a child..
Prison..That was where he went for a short time..My mom waited for him...Away from us...I am thinking my mom and stepdad worked to create a life where we could thrive with them..That was what they wanted before they sent for us..My sister and I thought that Mom abandoned us..We were left to stay with our paternal grand parents..
Whatever you do, leave a trail so that your children, family can find you..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 7:00 PM, July 11th (Friday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1437 | Registered: Nov 2011
CheaterMagnet
Member
Member # 33581
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, July 11th (Friday)

BBM,

I understand your fears about people knowing your business. I also live in a small town. My WH is a sex addict and we have no SA-Anon here. I went to one Al-anon meeting but couldn't bear to tell my story to people I was likely to run into at Costco in the future.

HOWEVER, there is a reason for the "Anon" in the name. You are anonymous. Part of the standards are that your business isn't spread around for general consumption. Also, you don't HAVE to tell your story. You can just listen and absorb (that's what I did and I learned so much). I just sat and cried the first time.

Please stop being afraid and stop being embarrassed. Tush is right. The shame isn't yours to bear. It's his. HIS choices. HIS behaviors. Not YOURS. Take the help. Take this time to break your codependent cycle. See him for who he truly is. There is a saying, "How do you know when an addict is lying? Their mouth is moving." This is SO completely true.

We are all here for you. Even when we sound harsh, it is coming from a place of love and experience. We are trying to save you some of the pain.


If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5

Posts: 1076 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Kailua-Kona, HI
hihn
Member
Member # 43986
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, July 11th (Friday)


A family member of mine spent time in prison and he was not permitted to take his bipolar meds for his 9 month stay there. I don't have any idea about the logic behind that kind of decision.

I just want to clear sometimg up about medications and prison life. I have worked as a medical professional in a state corrections system for the last 8 years. It is an inmates/prisoners personal right to medical treatment including medications. This is a federal law. Especially if not having them could be life threatening (either his or others). Not getting bipolar medication could most definitely become life threatening. Inmates/prisoners who refuse to take their bipolar meds can become either suicidal or homicidal, at the least become harmful to themselves or others due to the environment in which they have to live within. It was not unusual to see an inmate go off the deep end shortly after refusing his bipolar meds. No self preserving or self respecting medical professional would deliberately withhold this type of medication from a true bipolar. Not in prison anyway. The results would come back to bite them, & sometimes in a quite literal way. I suspect this guy was trying to milk some unearned pity from family members. But I could be wrong


Me BS 58yo, Him WS 55yo, sex addict
DD#1 1/28/14 co-worker#1 1991
DD#2 2/8/14 co-worker#2 9/13 - 4/14,moved in with OW 3/9/14,moved out from OW 4/8/14
DD#3 4/10/14 22+ anonymous sex OW
Full disclosure 7/30/14 30+ sex parteners

Posts: 176 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: colorado
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, July 11th (Friday)

I am going to go to the Al-anon meeting in my area on Thursdsy. I am just really embarrassed about it because of my job and the fact that we live in such a small community. I just hate everyone knowing how bad things have gotten. I teach in a very prominent school in my area with a lot of people that I would prefer not to know that I have an convicted felon/addict for a husband. 1st time I have ever been embarrassed to say who/what my husband is....I have always been so proud of him.
You don't have to say a word. I would say a little over half the time when I see someone new at a meeting, they don't share their story at the beginning. I know a woman who says she sat and cried through meetings for six months before she spoke. That said, when you DO spill something out at a meeting, it feels great to have it out in the open instead of still bottled up inside you. You won't be judged in Al-Anon. They'll pass you the box of tissues and give you hugs after the meeting.

I also qualify for S-Anon meetings, and I didn't put all of the prostitute and other cheating crap out on the table at Al-Anon until it was all about to come out in court! My group was very supportive of me. Don't forget that people in Al-Anon have their own sad stories. That's kinda' the point - we learn at our meetings how to deal with really crappy shit. I can remember so many times trying out a new meeting, sitting next to someone who seemed so calm, thinking 'This person seems to be doing well', and then hearing their story and realizing it was so much worse than mine.

Hang in there!!


Posts: 1357 | Registered: Aug 2010
CheaterMagnet
Member
Member # 33581
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, July 11th (Friday)

hihn,

Not to jack the thread, but I have personal knowledge of a case where an inmate had a well known and deadly allergy to dairy. A guard forced him to eat oatmeal that had been cooked with dairy and then refused to get him medical help when he began having a reaction. That young man died in the jail that day. All of this was captured on videotape and made the Huffington Post. That young man was 22 and had been in jail for less than 24 hours on a misdemeanor marijuana charge. Yes, he was a troubled kid but he was a GOOD kid with miles of potential. He was fighting his demons and had voluntarily turned himself in to face the charges. He shouldn't have had to die for that.

Inmates are refused medical care far more often than is acceptable, not by the medical professionals, but by the guards.

End t/j


If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5

Posts: 1076 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Kailua-Kona, HI
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, July 12th (Saturday)

Day #1 of no contact starts today. I received a text from him at 2:47 am that said " hey u up? I got $ for a ride" and then immediately got another that said "sorry didnt mean to send that to u". That tells me that he is probably already using again or at least trying to. Why else would he need a ride at thst time? How can he be so stupid?

He is constantly on my mind. He is the last thing I think about before I finally fall asleep and before I even open my eyes, I am thinking about him. I keep going over EVERYTHING in my mind. How do I stop that? The images and the thoughts are killing me!

As bad as I wanted to respond to his wrong text, I didn't. I am really going to try hard with the NC. There is no reason to even talk to him about finances, he hasn't helped me in almost 2 months now. No reason to talk about our son, he hasn't been concerned about him either except for the 2 weeks he was in prison.

I just don't understand how you can just abandon your family like he has. I guess I never will. I have to keep telling myself how damaging he is to us. And I need to keep telling myself all the bad things.

I recently found out that the ankle monitor for house arrest costs $420 a month! Add that to the $600 for child support and his intervention fees, he will never be able to pay it. He will not be able to get a decent job, he is a convicted felon and lost the one he had. He has nothing now. No home, no job, no vehicle, no family. But he has his drugs and his whore. I hope it has all been worth it to him. What a prize she is getting: a married, lying addict.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, July 12th (Saturday)

This is great. Take it a day at a time. An hour at a time. A minute.

Block his number if you can. Every time you get the urge to contact, post here.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8040 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, July 12th (Saturday)

I tried to block his Dad, and texts still come through. If I posted here, everytime I wanted to text him I would blow this thread up. :-( I want to talk to him a lot....sad, I know.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, July 12th (Saturday)

For the first time, I just saw his whore at his Dads garage. I disn't see him but I know he is there, too. What a sickening, heartbreaking feeling.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, July 12th (Saturday)

Find a way to distract yourself. A long bath. Working in the garden. A walk. A movie. Even though your mind will go back to him, try to train it to focus on things for you.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4247 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, July 13th (Sunday)

I survived day #1 with no contact. It was very hard, especially after seeing her there. One thing he told me on Friday was that his po had advised him not to talk to me about our marriage. I guess she didn't advise him not to be around his drug addicted whore who is going through court proceedings herself for drugs?!

I had seen the pics on Facebook and that was hard. But to actually see her there, knowing he was there too absolutely crushed me. It was a horrible feeling, like I was hit in the stomach with a hammer. Repeatedly.

Tomorrow will be 2 months since he left to go visit his Mom and didn't come home. The beginning of my nightmare. Yesterday, I found the last letter he had written my son wadded up and thrown behind a shelf. I asked my son about it and he said he didn't want it because his Dad had lied and he is mad at him. That kills me. He has always thought his Dad hung the moon and stars. But he hasn't even seen him since the week he was home. He hasn't even tried. Hell, since he has been out, he hasn't even asked how he is!! It is one thing to walk away from me, but his son? How could he do that?!? It breaks my heart to know my son is hurting.

Seeing her there just tells me, there is no hope. He has made his choice and it is not his family. I guess I have known that all a long. I needed to see it. But it doesn't make it any easier. He hasn't texted me since his wrong text, guess we don't even cross his mind. Guess that should make it easier for me, I did ask him to stop.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
redsox13
Member
Member # 43391
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, July 13th (Sunday)

Nothing to say except how sorry I am that you are going though this.


BS - 45
WW - 43
In R for 5 years, still hurting but finally letting go

Posts: 329 | Registered: May 2014 | From: nh
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, July 13th (Sunday)

I asked my son about it and he said he didn't want it because his Dad had lied and he is mad at him. That kills me. He has always thought his Dad hung the moon and stars.

Actually, I think your son has a pretty good handle on things.

It is healthy and NORMAL to be upset and even mad at someone you love when they lie to you. I also think it's more you who thinks your WH hung the moon and stars.

Why are you going to your FIL's garage? Stay away.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8040 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, July 13th (Sunday)

I always thought the world of him, too. But my son also does and always has. He has always been his #1 sidekick, wherever he went. He does have a good handle on it, he is a really smart kid.

My husband did finally text me today and ask what he was doing and if he could get him when he got off work at 4. I guess he forgot he is gone with his Papa on vacation. I didn't even respond. For one thing, I know he isn't working. He didn't get a job sitting at the garage with his whore on a Saturday. So just another lie.

Also, I didn't go there. It is on the main street to where I need to go to check my mail. Anytime and every time, I go to the post office, I will have to pass by there. No other option.

Thank you, Redsox. I am sorry that there even has to be a website like this one. So many people hurting over bullshit. Doesn't anyone really believe in marriage anymore. It is heartbreaking to see so many members.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, July 13th (Sunday)

Please don't allow your son to go over there. His father is toxic. His family is toxic. OW is toxic. Your son needs time to heal.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 8111 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, July 13th (Sunday)

My son is on vacation with my Dad so that wasn't an option. I definitely do not want my son around him until I know he is clean. He doesn't need to be at the garage AT ALL and I haven't let him for awhile. He DEFINITELY will not be around the whore. She can't even see her own kids, she sure as hell won't be around MINE.

I guess because I didn't respond to him, he got pissed. I went to my Moms and I don't have cell service there. When I finally got service, I had 6 texts from him. He wants his stuff that is here and if I was going to be a bitch, then he would call the cops. I texted him back and told him that I just got his message and I had no plans of keeping his things. Guess I messed up my NC. I didn't even make it 2 days.

And of course, I have been crying AGAIN. Why does he have this much control over me? I hate it. As soon as I saw I had texts from him, I got butterflies and then that awful feeling in my stomach. I should be mad at him for EVERYTHING that he has done to our family. But instead of hate or anger, I just feel sorry for him.

2 months tomorrow and the pain is still as fresh and raw as if it had happened yesterday.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, July 13th (Sunday)

[This message edited by BaseballMom31 at 7:26 AM, July 14th (Monday)]


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, July 13th (Sunday)

[This message edited by BaseballMom31 at 7:25 AM, July 14th (Monday)]


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, July 13th (Sunday)

[This message edited by BaseballMom31 at 7:45 PM, July 13th (Sunday)]


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, July 14th (Monday)

I'm sorry, I don't know why that posted multiple times. I tried to delete it but was unsure so I edited it. Sorry again.

Well 2 months today. It still hurts as if it happened yesterday. When does it get easier to deal with?


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, July 14th (Monday)

180 is hard. If all you did was tell him you are going to let him have his stuff then you did well.
Stick to nonemotional things, finances/kid schedules etc. I believe him getting his shit out of your house qualifies. I would give him a time frame in which he is welcome to come get it, and I would be sure that you have someone who is large, and intimating at the house when he does this, a cop, a brother, a spouse of a good friend, etc. I would make sure his stuff is outside the house, so he has zero excuse to enter. You need to add locks as well. He has no right and no reason to enter.

You need to get to a lawyer sooner than later, and I know finances are an issue, this is where going to a women's shelter, united way, or any other resource agency is essential to you. Doing these things to protect yourself will help you gain strength.

And for Gods sake get your rear end to an Al-Anon meeting, everyday if you can. Again working with a women's shelter, or other agency they will be able to provide you with resources. Focus on YOU.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8913 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, July 14th (Monday)

Two months is very very early. But it WILL get better. Do the work to heal yourself and to separate from him and your healing will start to kick in, even though the rollercoaster continues for a long time. Do not under any circumstances feel that you 'should' be feeling better than you do by now--it is going to take much more time to heal, unfortunately. But it is absolutely going to happen if you invest yourself in moving toward healthier things.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4247 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, July 14th (Monday)

I did stick to the nonemotional things. My exact text said "I have been out of service, I just got your message. I do not plan on keeping any of your things. I have told you that from the beginning." His text was very confrontational. I know he was trying to bait me into an argument.

I guess I just feel like my healing should be farther along by now. Maybe because everyone in my family seems to think that I should just be "over it" by now. And that I am letting him continue to bring me down. I guess I am.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, July 14th (Monday)

I recently found out that the ankle monitor for house arrest costs $420 a month! Add that to the $600 for child support and his intervention fees, he will never be able to pay it. He will not be able to get a decent job, he is a convicted felon and lost the one he had. He has nothing now. No home, no job, no vehicle, no family. But he has his drugs and his whore. I hope it has all been worth it to him. What a prize she is getting: a married, lying addict

Yeah, this is the kind of guy I cross the street and walk on the other side when I see coming. It just gets no lower than this.

Some of them never, ever get any better.

I know a guy whose 62 and he's still as big a loser as he was back when he was 20, 30, 40 years old - because he was a drunk back then and he's a drunk to this day. He lives in a dilapidated trailer in the woods, gets minimum wage paying jobs when he's able to (which is rarely), hasn't driven in 20 years due to multiple DUI's and having lost his license (and couldn't afford a car, anyway), he's STILL a dysfunctional drunk living on his own because his kids no longer speak to him and his wife left him years ago, and he's every psychiatrist's wet dream because he's such a complete f*ck up.

It wouldn't surprise me at ALL if your H ends up the same way, 30 years from now.

You're a smart lady for deciding you want better in life for you and your children. And you SHOULD want better.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1975 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
k94ever
Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, July 14th (Monday)

Dear BBM,

I know several POs and NONE of them would tell their parolees to not address marital problems with the spouse.

He's lieing to you......again. But that's nothing new is it?

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6638 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, July 14th (Monday)

NeverAgain2013- I didn't even add in the child support that would be ordered (but I would never receive!) for our child. But he claimed he was working yesterday. I didn't even question that. He was just trying to bait me into an argument.

K94ever-I am well aware of that. Just another excuse to not discuss our problems. But that is okay. I am done discussing things. I am done begging for my marriage. It isn't worth it. I deserve better than anything he has to offer. OUR son deserves better.

That doesn't make me miss the man I married any less, BUT this is NOT the same person. That person is dead. He will never be that man again. Even if we tried, I could never move past these last few months. He has absolutely crushed me.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
Schadenfreude
Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, July 14th (Monday)

BaseballMom

Do yourself a favor. Compare your most recent post with any or all of your earlier posts. Think you're doing better? Stronger? More self esteem? More focused on you and your son?

Sure, it doesn't feel good, but you have now recognizd in print that your WH has gone around he bend and isn't coming back,as,you'd,like him to be.

And that is tremendous,progress for you.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, July 14th (Monday)

I second Schadenfreude!

You sound so much stronger. How amazing.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4247 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, July 14th (Monday)

As bad as it hurt me, actually seeing the whores car at the shop was a turning point for me. He had led me to believe thar he was taking this time to get his head straight. I guess I wanted to believe him so bad that I did. Even though, deep down, I knew better.

Not talking to him is helping, too. I still want to text him but I am not. It is hard. But it is my new reality. I just keep repeating all of the bad stuff to myself. I can't afford to support him! He will just bring me down and cause me to struggle for everything. I can not put my son through that. I have worked too hard to lose everything. I love him. I miss him. But I have to move on.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, July 14th (Monday)

As bad as it hurt me, actually seeing the whores car at the shop was a turning point for me. He had led me to believe thar he was taking this time to get his head straight. I guess I wanted to believe him so bad that I did. Even though, deep down, I knew better.

Not talking to him is helping, too. I still want to text him but I am not. It is hard. But it is my new reality. I just keep repeating all of the bad stuff to myself. I can't afford to support him! He will just bring me down and cause me to struggle for everything. I can not put my son through that. I have worked too hard to lose everything. I love him. I miss him. But I have to move on.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, July 14th (Monday)

Turn off your phone or put it in the other room if it helps with no texting. CVhange his name in your contacts to something like 'DO NOT REPLY BASEBALL MOM, DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT, STOP RIGHT NOW'. Except maybe shorter and punchier

Get fallbacks in place, too. Call friends instead. Call your son. Take a shower. Clean the yard. Go take care of your horses. Anything else.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4247 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
clralb
Member
Member # 17185
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, July 14th (Monday)

I have been trying to follow your story.

Seems to me that your H is lying constantly to you.

I would bet that he has a long criminal history.

Be careful. I've heard many times of felons cutting their ankle bracelets off.

If he gets to three felony convictions, then gets another felony, he will be a habitual felon. That carries with it a very long prison sentence.

Look out for yourself and son.


"To keep the body in good health is a duty... otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear."
Buddha

Posts: 682 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: southeast
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, July 14th (Monday)

My story is hard to follow, it confuses me and I am living it. Yes, he has lied continuously for the last few months, if not longer. I honestly don't know what the actual truth is anymore. It has been such a mess.

He actually doesn't have a long criminal history. Maybe he has just been lucky up until now. I just don't know anymore.

I haven't heard from him today. And I haven't contacted him. He was supposed to meet with a new po today. He may have received his ankle monitor, I don't know. I guess I shouldn't care.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
outtanowhere
Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, July 14th (Monday)

BBM, I''m so encouraged by your tone. I hope you are believing what you are saying because its all true. Please start putting your faith into yourself and, continue to see him for who he is and the tortuous path this man will drag you and, your son, if you LET him.

Stand firm. Don''t fall back into your comfortable codependent behavior. It hasn''t worked to date and it is not the way to have a true, healthy relationship.

I''m sure you don''t feel it right now but, you are moving in the right direction. Keep going. One foot in front of the other. Right, left....breathe.

[This message edited by outtanowhere at 9:21 PM, July 14th, 2014 (Monday)]


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 803 | Registered: Apr 2013
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, July 15th (Tuesday)

BB Mom - You are starting to see him for what he really is. This can only help you distance yourself from him and his poison. Do NOT allow him to manipulate you into being sucked back in. That will be horrible for you, and send a terrible message to your son.

Stay strong. Keep reading on breaking the cycles of abuse, and becoming independent, not Codependent.

You got this girl, and we got your back.

(((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8913 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, July 15th (Tuesday)

My head believes it and I know it is true, he will just bring us down. My heart is still having trouble believing it though. I miss him so much. Especially at night. And of course, that is when my mind races with all of the images of him and her.

I am still not really mad at him. I feel sorry for him. I shouldn't, I know he created this mess for himself but I do. And I am worried about where he is and what happened with the PO yesterday. But I have to try to push that out of my head. It isn't my problem now.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
WeepingBuddhist
Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, July 15th (Tuesday)

Right after I found out my ex was a lying, cheating bastard, I changed his name in my contacts to "that asshole"


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 676 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, July 15th (Tuesday)

His new number, you know the one that he said was his bosses phone, is in my phone as "Cheating Bastard". I still have his old number as "My Love" but that number is gone along with the man I married.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
outtanowhere
Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 7:58 AM, July 15th (Tuesday)

Hold your head up! Today is a new day! Just keep telling yourself that you are doing what must be done to ensure a better future for you and your son. You really do deserve someone who can love you and make you feel safe. I hope you can believe that! That is doubly true for your son!


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 803 | Registered: Apr 2013
WeepingBuddhist
Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, July 15th (Tuesday)

Good for you, BBM. One minute at a time.
Get yourself to an alanon meeting and get your future in focus!


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 676 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, July 15th (Tuesday)

I am taking it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. My feelings and moods changes in the blink of an eye. But I do feel a bit stronger each day. Nights and evenings are really hard, especially since I am home alone. I am not used to all of the silence!


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, July 15th (Tuesday)

He texted today. He said we need to figure this out and that HE can't do this anymore. He says he has enough stress with the parole and he doesn't know who he can trust. He wants to stay out of trouble an do the right thing. He is supposed to start house arrest tomorrow morning. He will have to check in 2x a day and do a UA 2x a week. I texted back and asked him what it was that he thought WE needed to figure out. I also asked where he was doing his house arrest. I told him not to lie because I knew he was still seeing her. He hasn't texted back yet. I guess he just needed to know that I was still waiting.

I shouldn't have texted at all. I should have just ignored it. Shit. But I agree, things need to be figured out. But I don't think I am the one who needs to do that. If he is doing his house arrest with his whore, it seems like it is already figured out. If not and he really is going to try to get clean and figure things out, is it stupid of me to have that little glimmer of hope?


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, July 15th (Tuesday)

I guess he just needed to know that I was still waiting.

This is exactly what he is doing

I shouldn't have texted at all I should have just ignored it. Shit.

Yes, you should have. But that's ok. You're getting there and doing so much better.

But I agree, things need to be figured out. But I don't think I am the one who needs to do that. If he is doing his house arrest with his whore, it seems like it is already figured out. If not and he really is going to try to get clean and figure things out, is it stupid of me to have that little glimmer of hope?

There is no "we" in figuring this out. The only "we" or "us" in this equation is you and your son. Period. Your WS can say all day long that he is going to, that he wants to become "clean and sober." But please don't let his empty promises and words (lies) give you any hope at all. You are at the point in this situation where he needs to have COMPLETED an intense in house substance abuse program and be months, if not a year sober before you even consider having a "glimmer of hope."

Please remember, he is an addict and a cheater. First rule of both; They lie, they lie, they lie.

*edited because I HATE my auto correct*

[This message edited by sadtoo at 12:21 PM, July 15th (Tuesday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8040 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, July 15th (Tuesday)

Great Post Sadtoo - Go back and read it again BBM.
Especially the part about a glimmer of hope.
The only thing you should be hoping for is that he quits texting you.

Its hard, but I can see you getting stronger day by day. That is awesome. Keep moving forward, before you know it a month will have gone by, and you will be able to see just how strong you are. Then 2 months, and so forth.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8913 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, July 15th (Tuesday)

He did just tell me that he has been staying with her. I guess I knew this, I just wanted him to actually be honest with me for a change.

It bothers me that now she has the clean husband that I wanted and that my son deserved. Maybe only because he has no choice but it still bothers me.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, July 15th (Tuesday)

He is not clean. Maybe he isn't using or drinking right now while he's being monitored, but he's not sober.

Stop believing that there is a future version of him better than the current one and worrying that you'll miss out on a chance with that 'new and improved' version.

Find your anger and also accept that he is not going to change. It's hard to walk away from the investment and sunk cost but you're not seeing clearly yet.

Keep working on distance and detaching.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4247 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, July 15th (Tuesday)

He is not clean. Maybe he isn't using or drinking right now while he's being monitored, but he's not sober.

NOPE no way not a chance in hell.

He is white knuckling it until he thinks no one is looking and then he will go right back to it. I promise.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8913 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Schadenfreude
Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, July 15th (Tuesday)

He's staying with a crack,addict and he's staying clean.? If so, then we ca abolish NA and put all crack addicts to,work,as,effective drug counselors? Wow, he might just have won the NobelPrize in medicine.

If he's not using it's because,the hammer of prison is over his head. It's not because his life is changed for the better.

Don't delude,yourself. He's still an addict, just not using today. Those,pesky urine tests will,do,that to him, you know.

Keep on separating. He is no good,for,you and your son. You do not want to be your MIL 25 years from now,,do,you?

[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 4:24 PM, July 15th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
deena04
Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, July 15th (Tuesday)

Everything Schadenfreude and others have said and more. He is an addict. They don't just recover like that; staying with another addict is almost like just asking for him to not pass a urine test at some point or just skip going to one. Keep taking care of yourself and your son. He needs you to be the best you can right now.


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
L-I-B-E-R-A-T-I-N-G ME

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Dec 2013
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, July 15th (Tuesday)

I realize that he isn't clean because he wants to be, but because he has no other choice. He has been texting all day and he seems very confused. I did pretty good with keeping my responses non emotional....until about an hour ago. I sent him a long text saying all the things I needed to get off my chest. He sent me a long one back immediately. This is probably the most rational conversation I have been able to have with him in awhile. I feel like I am actually talking to my husband, not the stranger he had become.

I am confused. He is confused. He has told so many lies that I really think he has himself believing them. I was feeling a little better, now not so much. I just don't understand this. I asked him if he would be willing to leave her, have absolutely no contact with her and go into marriage counseling. I don't want him to come back here, RIGHT NOW. But I would like him to give counseling 6 months and then we can reevaluate everything. I am waiting on a response now.

He is so easily manipulated and I feel like he has so many people pulling him in so many different directions. He needs to step back from everyone, myself included, and really work on himself.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
Trying2LoveAgain
Member
Member # 43024
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, July 15th (Tuesday)

Oh wow! This broke my heart to read your post! It is so hard when you love someone so much & yet see the destruction they are bringing into yours & your sons lives! Neither of you deserve this, nor did you cause his problems! I know first hand from dealing with a family member who was on meth, that it does affect their personality, however, it is still NOT an excuse for an A! There is NO excuse for that...PERIOD!! I AGREE with the others, the Apple has not fallen far from the tree! Please BREAK this cycle NOW! It's the greatest gift you will likely ever give your son! And you don't have to make ANY decisions this minute. Hopefully he WILL be in prison a while & give you some time to take care of YOU & your precious son & figure out what you want in your life longterm! And I know your family loves you & just wants the best for you...but..you can gently remind them that you are a woman now & can/will make your own choices. Be strong & always remember that you & your son are worth having a good & happy life! Prayers for you! This is NOT EASY, but you CAN & WILL survive it!


Me:BS
Him:FWH
2 DS:35 & 30 , 2 D Grandchildren
"Oh the webs we weave, when first we practice to deceive"....My WH quotes this often.
I found out about H's affair 25 yrs later.Mine is my own "Life is a journey, travel with Care."

Posts: 410 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New Mexico
Trying2LoveAgain
Member
Member # 43024
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, July 15th (Tuesday)

Looks like I need to catch up on your posts... I didn't realize there were so many (a GOOD thing!). So he's NOT in prison right now..?? I saw something about house arrest...I'll read more...prayers for you right now....


Me:BS
Him:FWH
2 DS:35 & 30 , 2 D Grandchildren
"Oh the webs we weave, when first we practice to deceive"....My WH quotes this often.
I found out about H's affair 25 yrs later.Mine is my own "Life is a journey, travel with Care."

Posts: 410 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New Mexico
Trying2LoveAgain
Member
Member # 43024
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, July 15th (Tuesday)

Well I read & caught up on your posts. It seems that your husband has quite a history of drug/alcohol abuse, cheating & lying! I do see that you have been an enabler. I believe that anyone can change but they have to WANT this & first & foremost for themselves or it will NEVER happen! IMHO...MAKE him PROVE to you that he's changed before you will even THINK about R with him! Again. ..please BREAK this cycle while you still can! Your son deserves it! PRAYERS FOR YOU & YOUR SON!


Me:BS
Him:FWH
2 DS:35 & 30 , 2 D Grandchildren
"Oh the webs we weave, when first we practice to deceive"....My WH quotes this often.
I found out about H's affair 25 yrs later.Mine is my own "Life is a journey, travel with Care."

Posts: 410 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New Mexico
Trying2LoveAgain
Member
Member # 43024
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, July 15th (Tuesday)

Well I read & caught up on your posts. It seems that your husband has quite a history of drug/alcohol abuse, cheating & lying! I do see that you have been an enabler. I believe that anyone can change but they have to WANT this & first & foremost for themselves or it will NEVER happen! IMHO...MAKE him PROVE to you that he's changed before you will even THINK about R with him! Again. ..please BREAK this cycle while you still can! Your son deserves it! PRAYERS FOR YOU & YOUR SON!


Me:BS
Him:FWH
2 DS:35 & 30 , 2 D Grandchildren
"Oh the webs we weave, when first we practice to deceive"....My WH quotes this often.
I found out about H's affair 25 yrs later.Mine is my own "Life is a journey, travel with Care."

Posts: 410 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New Mexico
outtanowhere
Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, July 15th (Tuesday)

You really need to look at the role you have played in this relationship. You ARE an enabler. You really need to understand why you have assumed the responsibility for making this marriage work. He has done zero to make anything better. Just words. His words should mean shit to you right now because, HE IS A LIAR and, he IS manipulating your feelings for him.

BBM, you have GOT to get a grip on this! It''s imperative to your survival! Quit letting him give you "confused" talk. That''s just bullshit and I really think you know it but, don''t want to admit it. Come on girl. Get real. If you are here asking for help so you need to be listening to the heartfelt advice of everyone here who is telling you to STOP! Your glimmer of hope is the tooth fairy, it''s no where near your reality right now. I know you WANT things to go back to the way they were. Thing is, it will NEVER be the same. What should be different is that YOU quit being a doormat for this loser and stand up for yourself and that precious boy who has no idea how to deal with this.

[This message edited by outtanowhere at 7:19 PM, July 15th, 2014 (Tuesday)]


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 803 | Registered: Apr 2013
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, July 15th (Tuesday)

He isn't on house arrest yet. He told me today that it is supposed to start tomorrow morning. But I really couldn't tell you if that is the truth or not. I have been lied to so much that I don't know what the truth is anymore.

Yes he has history with alcohol and addiction. This is the first time, that I know of anyway, that he has ever cheated on me. This is the first time since our son was born that he has used meth. Again, that I know of. Hell, for all I know my entire marriage has been a lie.

He hasn't texted me back about leaving her and getting counseling. I have learned in these last 2 months, that if he thinks I won't like his answer, he just ignores me. So no counseling or he doesn't want to leave his whore.

Why even text me today? I hadn't contacted him. All he did was set me back AGAIN and give me a small amount of hope. What is the point? If he loves his whore and wants to be with her, why not just leave me alone? Why say the things he was saying?


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, July 15th (Tuesday)

I realize that he isn't clean because he wants to be, but because he has no other choice. He has been texting all day and he seems very confused.

He's confused because he is a METH-HEAD.

I did pretty good with keeping my responses non emotional....until about an hour ago. I sent him a long text saying all the things I needed to get off my chest. He sent me a long one back immediately. This is probably the most rational conversation I have been able to have with him in awhile. I feel like I am actually talking to my husband, not the stranger he had become.

This is him sucking you back in because he needs a backup plan.

I am confused.

Yup. That's what happens when you keep talking a manipulative liar. He's got you right back where he likes you.

He is confused. He has told so many lies that I really think he has himself believing them. I was feeling a little better, now not so much. I just don't understand this. I asked him if he would be willing to leave her, have absolutely no contact with her and go into marriage counseling. I don't want him to come back here, RIGHT NOW. But I would like him to give counseling 6 months and then we can reevaluate everything. I am waiting on a response now.

My bet is you're going to keep waiting. All he needed to know is that you were still sitting there pining away for him. He's probably thinking, "Imagine that! i've been sent back to prison, using meth & screwing another meth-head and she is STILL willing to take me back!" He's back to having his good time, now that he knows he still has you on the hook

He is so easily manipulated and I feel like he has so many people pulling him in so many different directions. He needs to step back from everyone, myself included, and really work on himself
.

Oh yes, the poor dear.

Do you hear yourself?? WHO is so easily manipulated?


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8040 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Jomarion
Member
Member # 43659
Default  Posted: 3:25 AM, July 16th (Wednesday)

I have been reading your posts and see how hard you are struggling, my heart goes out to you. I am struggling too in similar ways to break free from abusive people I love. It helps me to just take baby steps, forgive myself when I slip up, remember how hard I am trying when I slip up. That gives me strength to carry on.

My friend is in a relationship with an ex-heroin addict. He just switched his heroin to alcohol. His liver is packing up now, he is only 42, he still drinks. She suffered so much, his lies too, non-stop, he was also a shoplifter - I saw her struggles first-hand. Eventually she left him, it helped her get stronger, though each day was torture for her as well as she missed him so much, though not the abuse he inflicted, not his broken lifestyle

That dichotomy is so difficult to live with - to miss the person you love, but not the abuse.

But you will do it. You are slowly finding through all that muck your strength again.

Focus on yourself, little by little, day by day, minute by minute.

I am struggling to do the same as you. It is very tough! You are not alone in your fight to find yourself again.

My prayers are with you. Peace.


me:BGF, 54, American immigrant. one son. me and my ex get along great, the most amicable split imaginable!
him:WBF,43, Polish immigrant
together since 2006,
DDay:October28,2009,after his 3 teen kids push him to cheat with OW.
5 betrayed me

Posts: 203 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: UK
hurtinghearts
Member
Member # 27232
Default  Posted: 5:33 AM, July 16th (Wednesday)

BBM, please remember that you could end up losing your son if he comes back.

One call to DCFS by his vengeful OW could, at the very least, have you going through nasty court battles and investigations.

People can change, but not this quickly. He is making sure you will be backup. He may not be using right now, but he is still in that mentality.


Dday: Jan. 8th, 2010
OW#1 6 month PA...she is remorseful and forgiven. OW#2 The "therapist"... played head games with me. OW#3... loved to give blow jobs in her office. OW#4 the couple from Hell

Posts: 72 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Illinois
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, July 16th (Wednesday)

He isn't coming back. I have to face that. I was re-reading the texts that he sent and realized that just yesterday, he lied at least 2 different times. Probably more, these are just the 2 I caught! He is lying so much that he can't keep up with them.

He told me yesterday morning that his house arrest starts this morning. Yesterday evening, he asked if he could come by to get a few things sometime this evening because after tonight he will be on house arrest. So does it start in the morning or evening? Or at all? He told me that he doesn't know where his actual home plan will be because he still waiting to see if his Dad's senior citizen/disabled apartment will be approved. If it isn't, he will go to a halfway house. Okay, if his house arrest is scheduled to start TODAY, wouldn't he already know where he is supposed to be? He told me he had been staying with her. I am sure that is where is home plan is. With her and her parents, in their basement. Don't forget, my husband is a 35 year old man and his whore is 33. And living in parents basement. Nice.

Yes, he has me right where he wants me. He always has. This is exactly why he texted me the things he did. Just like saying, he hadn't came over to see our son or pick anything up because he couldn't face me. He couldn't face the pain he had caused.

He does manipulate me, I am aware of that. Just texting yesterday is proof of that. He said the things that I needed to hear to get my hopes back up. It worked. Just as I thought I was doing a little better. I won't say I am back to square one, but I am close.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
k8la
Member
Member # 38408
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, July 16th (Wednesday)

An addict needs an enabler in his life. You were the best one he had, so he has to keep you on a string.

Have you started participating in any phone-meetings or online Nar-Anon or AlAnon meetings yet? I know you have the face-to-face one tomorrow - be sure you don't miss it for any reason.

Your own sobriety depends on you getting clean of your addiction TO HIM! Otherwise you will continue to make less than smart decisions for your life and the life of your son by keeping yourself involved with an unremorseful, manipulative addict.

You'll notice that addicts despise their enablers, but still will do everything they can think of to keep their enabler in their life, at least on the periphery so that they can stay addicted.

He won't get sober with you in his life. You have to let him fall, and your own sobriety depends on you leaving so you don't watch and desire his rescue.


Posts: 174 | Registered: Feb 2013
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, July 16th (Wednesday)

I was re-reading the texts that he sent and realized that just yesterday, he lied at least 2 different times. Probably more, these are just the 2 I caught! He is lying so much that he can't keep up with them.

AND THIS IS WHY THE 180 IS SO IMPORTANT FOR YOU!!!!! TO KEEP YOU FROM GETTING SUCKED INTO THE CRAZY.

Please Please Please, whatever you do, do NOT skip the Al-Anon meeting today. You are the enabler in a relationship with an addict. You have to learn that there is no shame being this person, but you also have to learn that as long as you remain this person, you will never have happiness. These meetings, these people will help you more than you know. The support, and feeling of belonging, all of that stuff will be 10 fold of what you are getting here with us.

You are one week into this time with your son being gone. Have you contacted a local womens shelter, food bank, united way? If not please do so. If you need help the sooner you ask for it the better. You don't want to wait to ask for help until the lights are turned off, the water is turned off, and so forth. There is paperwork involved, but sister it is worth the time and energy.

(((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8913 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Charity411
Member
Member # 41033
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, July 16th (Wednesday)

He is so easily manipulated and I feel like he has so many people pulling him in so many different directions. He needs to step back from everyone, myself included, and really work on himself

If he's so easily manipulated how come you can't manipulate him into staying sober and make him give up his mistress? Obviously you haven't been able to do that. The only one being manipulated is you. As long as you keep reading his texts this is going to continue. There should be a button somewhere that says "delete".


Posts: 413 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Illinois
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, July 16th (Wednesday)

I agree completely that he manipulates me. But his Dad has always had some kind of power over him and he manipulates him. My husband wants to make whoever he is around at the time happy. He can be talked to anything, when he is with them. When he is with me, he is different. It is hard to explain.

The Al-Anon meeting is tomorrow. I plan on attending.

I realize that he is pulling me back into his crazy and his drama and I know that I need to step back. I know I need to stop reading the texts. But that is so much easier said than done.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, July 16th (Wednesday)

Have you made an appt to see an IC? Along with your meeting, you need to get yourself into therapy.

You need to find out why you don't think you deserve anything better than a lying, cheating, abusive, drug-addicted criminal for a husband.

You act like he's some kind of prize. And besides the cheating, the lying, the abuse, the drug use, the legal problems, being a deadbeat dad, not having a job, the drinking, he's really a wonderful guy.

Really??

I am sure that is where is home plan is. With her and her parents, in their basement. Don't forget, my husband is a 35 year old man and his whore is 33. And living in parents basement. Nice.

Don't forget, the only reason your WS had a home at all is because of YOU. Imagine where you could be in your life if you had a true partner. Someone who WORKED a job in like you do. Someone who is responsible. Rather than this boat anchor you call a husband who has been doing nothing but dragging you down, while you keep trying to prop him up.

This will NEVER GET BETTER if you keep talking to him. Get to your attorney now. File for divorce. Make sure he and his meth-head g/f don't get custody/visitation with your son in the meth house.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8040 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Jomarion
Member
Member # 43659
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, July 16th (Wednesday)

Yes, I understand it is easier said than done. That is why I am afraid to pick up the phone,in case he says I love you. I will cave in again. I absolutely understand how hard it is not to read the texts. Could you just buy another phone, let him keep that phone number of the old one, do not give him the new number. Give the old phone to a friend to read the texts, anything important of a practical nature she/he could tell you? I do that sometimes, it helps me to detach.

I think I recognise what you mean when you say he is manipulated easily by others, but not by you. I think that is because he already has you, he does not have to please you. He has you eating out of the palm of his hand, and he knows it, on whatever sub-conscious or conscious level, he knows it. I see the same in my abusive relationship. You are not alone!!

Don't be ashamed of the back forth back forth. You are struggling, you are in this fight to detach. It is a fight, within yourself, and it is a struggle.

What do you hope to find in the texts? A word of love? A bit more of the truth, another lie? Figuring out what you hope to see in those texts may help you to detach. It helps me.

You can do this. You can grieve. You can let go.
You can do this.


me:BGF, 54, American immigrant. one son. me and my ex get along great, the most amicable split imaginable!
him:WBF,43, Polish immigrant
together since 2006,
DDay:October28,2009,after his 3 teen kids push him to cheat with OW.
5 betrayed me

Posts: 203 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: UK
Hopetosurvive98
Member
Member # 33842
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, July 16th (Wednesday)

BBM- I have been reading this thread and the previous thread from the beginning. You've received so much great advice here.
BBM did you notice you started to feel stronger a few posts ago? I noticed it and so did many others. You had not been hearing from him much and therefore gaining a tiny bit of your power back. Engaging with him takes away your power. You have to stop and stop this now. You are a TOOL to him-point blank. As soon as he got out of jail he didn't come home, he ran to his girlfriend and was cruel to you in texts and constantly lying to you-why? Because he wants to be with his girlfriend and the drugs and he was "free" for a little while before his house arrest starts. He had to throw you some bait here and there just to be certain plan B (you) was still waiting and anticipating by the phone. Each time you are it reinforces to him that he can do whatever the hell he wants to you and there is no line he cannot cross and not come home to you. He is with another woman, and addict, he is using Meth, he isnt supporting your or his son at all-what more can he do to you?
You are a tool just in case he needs that home plan to save his ass and nothing else works out for him. STOP TAKING THE BAIT. You are noticing the lies, and you know exactly what he is up to-you know he is with another woman. If you cannot get strong and pissed and stand your ground for you then please do it for your son. This situation is so damaging for him. The confusion of is daddy sick, is daddy coming home,etc is too much. He needs stability and strength and protection because his father is a meth addict who has zero, ZERO care about him. This is the kind of person we warn our kids to steer clear of. He is not a safe person for your son and it will lead to so much pain, heartbreak and emotional damage to your son if you do not put and end to this cycle now.
He gives you "glimmers of hope" because he worries he might NEED YOU for his selfish reasons-like saving his ass. You cannot love him, or nice him home and make him be the man you DESERVE, your son DESERVES because he is an addict and a cheat who doesnt support you in any form or fashion, who doesnt support his son or his child from a previous relationship. Is this the example you want to set for your son? No, you dont because you are a good mom who loves her son and we all know that but you have to break the cycle now-today.
By being available to him, answering his texts-you are enabling him to continue to devastate and confuse you. You are allowing him to throw you crumbs.
Stop-STOP ANSWERING HIS TEXTS- do not answer another text from him. It is hard-we've all done it and the first few days are very hard but as you go you start to find your voice, your strength and it will get easier and easier to not engage-I promise. Yes, not engaging with him will make him mad as he starts to see that he is losing his power and grip over you, that you aren't there to take the bait and be his safe spot, backup, plan B. Watch and see-don't answer his texts for a day and watch what he does. He will either get so angry and belligerent or he will start throwing out what you want to hear to suck you back in, or he might do both but watch and see. But do not reply.
You and your son deserve more then to be someones backup plan. Stop allowing this. Stop engaging with him, stop the communication and start focusing on you. You have the chance to live a totally different life, a great life. Give your son a great life. Your husband will not stop cheating on you or using drugs until he is forced to stand on his own two feet, to suffer the consequences of HIS horrific choices-choices he made alone. He has to stand alone on this and come to his own realization that he wants to change, get clean, and be committed man. Without that it will never happen and you can take the whole situation and just wash, rinse, repeat. Dont set your precious child and yourself for a lifetime of this confusion and misery. YOU have the strength within you, you have the ability to stop this now. It ends when you say so. Stop being his backup and start loving yourself and wanting more for you.

Im sorry if this sounded harsh as it is not my intention. I just see absolute disaster down the road if you continue to allow this man to have this kind of power over you, and keep taking the bait. You CAN do this. You deserve more.


Me: BS 36
Him:WS 36
DDay 9/8/11, 3yr LTA
Her: super classy coworker, 44, involved in many A's including several other coworkers.

Posts: 439 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: The beautiful south
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, July 16th (Wednesday)

I haven't made an appointment to go to IC, I know that it is something I need to do. Actually, where I work will pay for 6 therapy sessions but I have to drive over 2 hours to the appointment and right now, I just don't have the funds. I am borrowing money to get to work daily. My husband says he has a job and will help me. Yeah right. Like he has been these last 2 months? I don't know why I feel like I NEED him. Everyone is right, he has nothing going for him right now. Everything he had was because of me and he has lost EVERYTHING.

Jomarion- I have also been reading your posts and I am sorry that you are going through this. I agree with what you are saying about the manipulating me. He already has me, he knows what to say and when to say it so that he keeps me where he wants me. He knows I love him unconditionally so he doesn't have to work as hard. Which is also why I don't manipulate him like everyone else. Does that make sense? I think I just want to know that he is still thinking about me. That I do cross his mind. And yes, I do want to hear that word of love. Silly, I know. I still have questions for him. A lot of them. But at this point EVERYTHING he says is a lie. He can't even keep up with his own lies. It wasn't always like this. I really did have a good husband AT ONE POINT. Those memories are what is making it so hard to let go. I think his texts yesterday were more emotional and mental abuse, the abuse I didn't see until recently.

Hopetosurvive98- Yes I was feeling stronger. The no contact with him or the minimal anyway helped me. If he had not contacted me or I had not read the texts, I would be even stronger today. But I want that communication so bad. I understand completely that I am Plan B. He needs me when everything and everyone else is gone. That is when he will want his family, his home, his wife and his son. That is why he needs to keep me. That is why he may go days without texting and then I get the poor me, I'm so confused texts. Your post was not harsh. It hit the nail right on the head.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
Hopetosurvive98
Member
Member # 33842
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, July 16th (Wednesday)

BBM- I know how badly you want to hear from him. I understand so completely that I can still feel that feeling from back close to my own Dday. It is awful and I think all of us on the site can relate. You are normal for feeling that way and you know-really know-that you are his backup plan. I will tell you after my own dday my husband was gone, he left and it was like in the blink of an eye everything changed, and it had. In the first few days I answered every text, every call, and even met with him 3 separate times (each time I was to be getting the truth)and I found that I was hanging on to that and it was killing me. I felt so helpless and so so weak. It was only when my then 5yr son started to ask why I was sad and ask about his dad that I got damn angry. I realized that this prick was just going to hang out being a single guy doing who knows what while I stayed home caring for a 5yr old, 3 yr old and a 9 month old. I set myself aside and got pissed for my children. I got really, really mad (did I mention i was really mad?) and it was at that moment that I chose to take my own power back. I joined SI and got good advice and felt I had some backup. I took one last call from him and laid out what R would look like and told him this was his one and only chance to tell the truth or I was GONE. He told me he had to "think about it overnight." I told him "Ok" and I went and started the D process the next day. I was so terrified and felt like I was dying but it had to be done because until that moment I felt he had power over me and he KNEW he held power over me. I knew I could NOT live like that. Worrying, wondering, limbo. I was done. After I retained the lawyer I texted him and told him to get an atty because I retained one and let him know I would see him in court and only contact about our kids. That flipped a switch in him. I dont want to go on and on about my situation but I want you to see that it only stopped when I said so. When he realized that I was not anyones Plan B and neither are my children.
Find that. Its in you right now to stop this insanity. It starts with that first text which will come. That first text ignore-delete it and go do something, anything else. Clean, grocery shop, call a friend, play with your dog (or any animal you might have, exercise, do anything but engage him. Repeat for the second attempt and so on. With each time you ignore the more power you gain and you will feel it. Just take it one step at a time. Just start with that first step today. Do this for your son, do this for you. We are all here for you and we all know you CAN do this but you have to start the process by stopping the communication. Post here instead.


Me: BS 36
Him:WS 36
DDay 9/8/11, 3yr LTA
Her: super classy coworker, 44, involved in many A's including several other coworkers.

Posts: 439 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: The beautiful south
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, July 16th (Wednesday)

I do want that communication so bad it hurts. And I hate that he has that control over me. I did good on Saturday when he texted, I responded but only about him getting his things. Yesterday was just totally different. He was different. But I see now he needed to be different so that he could suck me back in. I haven't heard anything from him today. Surprise, surprise.

My son continually asked if I was sad and even now when he calls from his fun vacation, he asks if I am okay. I hate that he has to worry about me! It breaks my heart. I have been doing my best to fake it. Fake it until I make it, I guess?

I asked him yesterday about marriage counseling and leaving her. No response. That is something that needs to be done for any hope of R. But it is obvious that isn't what he wants. At least until he has no other place to go. And I am sure that will happen. Probably sooner than later. If he ends up back in prison, which is VERY likely, he will want to call us then, too. Again, just so he has me where he needs me.

I have yet to get mad and stay mad! That is so unlike me. I get mad at him but it fades. I don't know why I can't get mad and stay mad, especially after everything he has done to us! I should be mad about the fact that he hasn't seen his son. But it just makes me sad. So much makes me sad.

The anger will come. Eventually. And that is when I will know that I AM DONE. I am over this treatment.

I am going to try the 180 AGAIN. No contact unless it is about our son or finances. Neither of which he has been concerned with for 2 months, anyway. And no emotions. It seemed to work before. Wish me luck. I definitely need it.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, July 16th (Wednesday)

I haven't made an appointment to go to IC, I know that it is something I need to do. Actually, where I work will pay for 6 therapy sessions but I have to drive over 2 hours to the appointment and right now, I just don't have the funds. I am borrowing money to get to work daily.

You HAVE to make this a priority. Your son is going to be home in ONE week now. And you have done nothing!

My husband says he has a job and will help me.

This is an OBVIOUS lie.

Yeah right. Like he has been these last 2 months? I don't know why I feel like I NEED him.

But see? Even though you KNOW this is a lie, you want to believe him so bad, you are willing to overlook the facts and cling to false hope. WHY??

Everyone is right, he has nothing going for him right now. Everything he had was because of me and he has lost EVERYTHING
.

You are missing the point. He hasn't lost everything. He never had anything. He was a BUM when you met him. YOU were the only good (and your son) in this equation.

I think I just want to know that he is still thinking about me. That I do cross his mind. And yes, I do want to hear that word of love. Silly, I know.

Don't think he doesn't know this. And about the time he needs to be sure you're still sitting there waiting on him, he'll call, text, etc and wisper his sweet lies of bullshit.

I still have questions for him. A lot of them.

And what on earth makes you think that if could ask these questions, you would get a straight or honest answer? Hell, I still have questions I'd like answers from my X-POS-WS too. Would I ever ask him? NO! Not in a million years. One, I would never give him the satisfaction of ever speaking to me again. And two, he is a pathological LIAR, just like your WS. So what is the point of asking?

I really did have a good husband AT ONE POINT. Those memories are what is making it so hard to let go.

NO YOU DIDN'T. Any man who dodges paying child support to the point of losing his driver's lisense, going to PRISON, etc, is a horrible person.

You have been so abused and so brainwashed you can't even see the facts. Please do NOT skip the meeting tonight. And PLEASE find a way to get to IC.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8040 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Hopetosurvive98
Member
Member # 33842
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, July 16th (Wednesday)

Anger will come but you have to stop being victimized first. Stop letting his random lies and texts confuse and cloud your judgment because when you stand back and look it is obvious that you clearly see what his agenda is. Be angry for your son. Just like I said in my own personal experience I had to make that choice to set myself aside which were my FOO created fears of abandonment, fear of being alone, fear of being a single mom, and the list goes on. I had to set it aside for my kids because when I realized what my husband was up to I had no choice but to be damned angry for my kids and I was not going to allow this to continue and harm them. It stopped when I said so and I felt so much more in control of my own destiny.
You should be so angry that your sweet child has to be worried about you. Who caused that?? Your cheating, drug addicted, deadbeat husband did. Get mad. Do not let him rob your son of his innocence and childhood dealing with grownup issues.

He wants to keep you in your place and continue to use you and you can see that clearly and you know that he will call upon you when you are needed-the nerve!!! Stop being abused today, stop being his favorite and most reliable tool in the toolbox. He will not get better ever until he is forced to stand on his own two feet, and frankly that's not your problem.

BBM lets just handle today first. Do not answer his messages. It only serves to harm you. Lets just start with that first text and go from there. Even if he texts about money or your son I think it is just a ploy as really has he had any interest in his financial obligation to his wife, to his child? No. Has he had any concerns over his sons happiness and well-being? No. Actions over words and his actions speak loud and clear. His actions scream of his priorities and that is drugs and drug addicted girlfriend. So now your priority is to drop him off the priority list and make you and your son number 1. So, one step at a time-focus on today and 180, 180,180. We are here.


Me: BS 36
Him:WS 36
DDay 9/8/11, 3yr LTA
Her: super classy coworker, 44, involved in many A's including several other coworkers.

Posts: 439 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: The beautiful south
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, July 16th (Wednesday)

Reading that about your son pisses me off frankly. Quit being a Victim. You know when things change? When you CHANGE WHAT YOU ARE DOING.

Hell we have given you information on ways to get help with bills, food, IC, Meetings etc. You still have excuses, because your fear of being an independent woman who doesn't tolerate less than she deserves scares the crap out of you for some reason.

You son should not have to play the role of KISA. Get your shit together if not for you for him. Fake it til you make it? NO Get your shit together and quit this wallowing. You are an educated woman capable to taking care of yourself. Do IT.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8913 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, July 16th (Wednesday)

I know that I would never get HONEST answers from him. He has pretty much came right out and said he is afraid that if he doesn't say what I want, it will have bad consequences for him. That goes back to blaming me for my family friend doing HIS job. That is why I haven't asked him all of the things I want to. Truthfully, I don't think I could handle actually hearing the truth. Even though, in my heart, I already KNOW.

His actions definitely speak louder than his words. And his actions are focused on him. He isn't concerned about what he has done to his child. It is all about him.

Tushnurse- I just spoke to someone at The United Way. I received a disconnect today for my water and I am sure the electric bill disconnect will be coming. However, there is nothing in my area for utilities. There are no funds. I did apply and receive food stamps.

I am TERRIFIED of being alone, being a single mom, and yes my list goes on too. He may not have been the best provider but our bills got paid. I didn't have to beg and borrow to get gas money. It was tight and we didn't have a lot for extras, but we had what we needed. I don't even have that now. That scares the shit out of me.

As for today, I do not plan on responding IF he texts. But Ibwould bet that I won't have to worry about that anyway. It will be a few days, at least, before I hear from him again.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, July 16th (Wednesday)

I know that I would never get HONEST answers from him. He has pretty much came right out and said he is afraid that if he doesn't say what I want, it will have bad consequences for him. That goes back to blaming me for my family friend doing HIS job. That is why I haven't asked him all of the things I want to. Truthfully, I don't think I could handle actually hearing the truth. Even though, in my heart, I already KNOW.

His actions definitely speak louder than his words. And his actions are focused on him. He isn't concerned about what he has done to his child. It is all about him.

Tushnurse- I just spoke to someone at The United Way. I received a disconnect today for my water and I am sure the electric bill disconnect will be coming. However, there is nothing in my area for utilities. There are no funds. I did apply and receive food stamps.

I am TERRIFIED of being alone, being a single mom, and yes my list goes on too. He may not have been the best provider but our bills got paid. I didn't have to beg and borrow to get gas money. It was tight and we didn't have a lot for extras, but we had what we needed. I don't even have that now. That scares the shit out of me.

As for today, I do not plan on responding IF he texts. But I would bet that I won't have to worry about that anyway. It will be a few days, at least, before I hear from him again. I will have those few extra days to get back to where I was BEFORE he texted yesterday.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
momentintime
Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, July 16th (Wednesday)

Hon, he is all about himself. No where in your posts is he even thinking about you and your feelings. He could have come home when he got out of jail. He didn't. He went to OW. He isn't concerned about you or your son. He doesn't care how or if you pay your bills.

He wants to be with OW because he wants the lifestyle. Drugs, no responsibilities, just all about himself.

Continue to try the 180. You want him back, but you aren't really dealing with what that truly means. He isn't the man you think you know. He is making his own choices. He choose to go to OW. He choose to leave you adrift. He chooses to lie continually to you. You have to face this is who he is now. No wishing and hoping on your part is going to change him or the reality of how far he has fallen. You can't carry him. You can't make him better, you can't make him want to put you as a priority, you aren't and haven't been for some time. Doesn't matter that he wants to please the person he is with. He chose not to be near you and he isn't trying to please you, his wife.

Please, stop turning yourself inside out trying to believe in him and his ability to straighten himself out. Without intensive help, he will not change. Currently, he doesn't even want to change. So there you are. Out on your own. Find the strength within yourself to actually deal. Your son, isn't a factor for him. So don't go there in your thinking either.

You will get through this, one way or another. You should be choosing a way that holds a better future. Only you can find that path for yourself and your son.

[This message edited by momentintime at 5:26 PM, July 16th (Wednesday)]


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 3020 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, July 16th (Wednesday)

He has pretty much came right out and said he is afraid that if he doesn't say what I want, it will have bad consequences for him. That goes back to blaming me for my family friend doing HIS job.

This is more WS-feel-sorry-for-me-I'm-the-real-victim-here BULLSHIT. He is lying because he CAN. And because you take his calls & find some limp excuse to respond to his texts.

Get to an attorney. Get some support lined up. And I do mean "lined up". Because I'm sure in order to get anything out of this "good husband & father" of yours you will need to garnish the shit out of whatever is left after the tax man, the other mom, & the local government & whoever else might have gotten in line before you.

Move out of your house. Move in with your dad. Take on a roommate. Get a second job. Do anything. Do something! Just stop doing nothing.

Do you see the train coming down the tracks? It's heading right for you. It's been blowing the whistle for months now, yet you're still sitting on the tracks making wishes.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8040 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, July 16th (Wednesday)

Oops! Double post.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 11:40 PM, July 16th (Wednesday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8040 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, July 16th (Wednesday)

I am proud of myself RIGHT NOW and feel like I should brag on myself....my husband texted around 5 and said that he was trying to find a ride over here to get some things he needs. He said he isn't driving because he doesn't know who is watching....blah blah blah. Instead of texting him back, I went outside and weeded my flowers. Big step for me!

2nd- my "friend" who lives by the garage, texted and told me that he was over there teaching his whore to ride the 4wheeler. She even sent me the picture. But I have really crappy service so I was unable to download it, I would have to do it tomorrow on my way to work. But instead, I deleted it. I don't need to see it, I already have enough hurt. Oh and when he was over there teaching her to ride (a 4wheeler I helped pay for, by the way!) it was around 5. The same time he was "trying" to find a ride. Deleting that picture was another big step for me!

I guess he still isn't on house arrest. He basically got a slap on the wrist for violating parole. It will all catch up to him, eventually. Karma is a bitch, even if I haven't been...

[This message edited by BaseballMom31 at 7:40 AM, July 17th (Thursday)]


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
Hopetosurvive98
Member
Member # 33842
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, July 16th (Wednesday)

BBM- that is a positive step forward. I know it's a big step deleting that photo and ignoring the text. I know it's hard. I can tell that you got a bit of yourself back though and will continue to do so as you stop taking his bait. As you stop engaging him you stop allowing him to hurt you, control you, manipulate you. Continue to do this each time he texts-find that alternative for yourself and ignore it. You will get stronger and stronger. Keep moving forward now one step at a time.


Me: BS 36
Him:WS 36
DDay 9/8/11, 3yr LTA
Her: super classy coworker, 44, involved in many A's including several other coworkers.

Posts: 439 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: The beautiful south
outtanowhere
Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, July 16th (Wednesday)

That makes me smile BBM! I hope you are seeing how good it feels when you start to take the reigns of your life back into your own hands! I expect him to ramp it up when he starts to notice that he is losing his power over you so, be prepared! Wash your car, take a nice walk...you get the idea. I''m proud of you!


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 803 | Registered: Apr 2013
Jomarion
Member
Member # 43659
Default  Posted: 6:18 AM, July 17th (Thursday)

BBM, you are fighting back!! It is like pregnancy, the baby is growing inside, but nobody sees the baby, it is not ready to come out yet. Like when you are fighting, struggling inside your head, unable to take much action, but when it is time, the struggle in your heart and mind will allow the action to come out - you are healing enough for the action to become manifest.

Every step you take, be proud. These are muscles you are using you have not used in a long time. But as you use them more and more, they will become stronger. YOU will become stronger.

When I was growing up, we had no heat or electric as my drunken dad had run off with the money. I was a kid, I survived, I got past it. It was sort of an adventure.

I do not think it is silly you want that word love from him. You gave him your heart, your love, you gave him yourself - of course you want your heart, your love, yourself to be acknowledged, to be accepted and seen.

But he is in too much of a mess to see it. I know that hurts, but he is just in too much of a mess.

Try to be a mother to yourself now. Try to give yourself the love, the care, the gentleness you want from him. Start to love and care for yourself.

I know how painful it is to watch all the things you have given,bought for somebody then be used for another. Believe me, I know that knife.

I helped him and his kids get their first house. He promised never another woman. Six months later, he is fucking the OW in the very house I helped him to rent, in the same bed I helped him buy. In the same room he said would only be for him and me. I helped my WBF purchase his first car in his life.
Then I learned his kids didn't even want me sitting in it! He was on my insurance to make his lower! If it were not for me, his kids wouldn't have had a car for him to drive them everywhere in (a bus? never! We are too good for bus transport! Must have dad drive us everywhere,no matter how exhausted he is after work and would help him by using public transport!) But nobody knew that! Once I was used, I was discarded. This second car is the same. I helped there too. But when he talked about the car to a stranger, it is all about how HE got the car, completely forgets how much I helped, he couldn't have gotten it without me.

Yes, I understand how hard it is to let go - you are letting go of yourself in a way - all the care you gave him, all the time - you have to let it go. It is like a death. Accepting death. It is so hard to do.

But from death there always comes new life. It has happened since the world began, new life comes again. And it will come to you again too. And new life is beautiful, wonderful, exciting, fresh. It will all come to you.
Giving you strength, BBM. Giving you strength.


me:BGF, 54, American immigrant. one son. me and my ex get along great, the most amicable split imaginable!
him:WBF,43, Polish immigrant
together since 2006,
DDay:October28,2009,after his 3 teen kids push him to cheat with OW.
5 betrayed me

Posts: 203 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: UK
nomistakeaboutit
Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, July 17th (Thursday)

Positive steps. Very good.

You know, we all only have so much energy each day. Would you say your H has been a drain on your limited energy? Would you say that you and your son have been negatively impacted, as a result his tasking away of your energy?

Gently, I suggest you try and understand just how negative he is for your son. I don't see that you will change this for yourself, but It's really time to accept that your son is not benefiting. You OWE your son more than this.

Lose the obsession with this selfish, broken loser of a husband. That's what he is. He's hurting you AND your son. Show your son how someone should respect themselves. Dump your husband. Focus on your son. I don't mean this to sound harsh, but raiding your son to be healthy is something you still have a chance to do right.


Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 974 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, July 17th (Thursday)

Everything that my husband had was because of me also, Jomarion. Even the job he had was because a family member talked for him and practically begged his boss to give him a chance. It is obvious now that he came into our marriage with nothing and has left with nothing. Nothing except some clothes (which most of, I bought!) and his whore. Maybe she can support him and pay his mountain of bills now. Good luck with that.

You want him back, but you aren't really dealing with what that truly means. He isn't the man you think you know.

This is so true. I want the husband I HAD, yes with baggage and all. He isn't that man anymore. He never will be again. The trust I had for him is gone. I will never be able to regain that. I will never be able to fully trust him. I get that. Still doesn't make me miss THAT man or mourn any less for him. I feel as if I am mourning a death. And in reality, that may be easier.

I am glad that I had the strength to delete the picture and to not text back. It was so hard. Part of me wanted to see it. I don't know why. I guess the same reason that I kept looking at the pictures that she had posted on Facebook. All it did was make me hurt more. I don't know why I continued to torture myself that way.

I miss my husband EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY. I still think of him nonstop. From about 3:30 this morning I had a country song stuck in my head but I only know the one line. And honestly I don't even know when I heard the song last...but the line is "That woman I had wrapped around my finger came unwrapped". Maybe that is a sign? Who knows what today will bring...I'm sure if his whore isn't around, he will be texting me. Wish me luck and strength. I need it.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, July 17th (Thursday)

GREAT JOB !!!!
Well if you helped pay for that four wheeler, and now you can't pay your bills, seems to me the four wheeler needs to be sold.

Look around what do you have that was his and worth something, tools, power tools and toys, get that shit on CL and get it gone. Put some cash in your pocket.

Contact your utility company and let them know what the situation is, and that you are willing to give them $5.00 a month as a effort to show you will pay when you can. If you or your son have ANY medical condition that it would be detrimental to your health to have power turned off, get a note from your Dr, and send it to them. Asthma with use of nebulizers, is the first one that comes to mind.

People will work with you on the bills stuff. So united way didn't have funds or resources, keep looking for places that can help. Catholic Charities, and Lutheran Family Services are great places to start, and NO you don't have to be of that faith.

You truly are in crisis mode here, and if you don't reach out for help it's going to get a lot worse. If you have a Mortgage talk to the bank, and let them know what is going on. You may qualify for loan modification, or some other help.

Stay strong. You are going to get through this. You have to, you don't have a choice. Your son needs at least one healthy parent.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8913 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, July 17th (Thursday)

When he came a few weeks ago to the house, the first things that he took were the tools out to the garage. I am sure he has already sold or pawned anything that was of value. He admitted to stealing things so if he would sink that low, he would pawn or sell his own things.

Yes I helped pay for the 4wheeler and also a very expensive dirt bike. But they don't have titles so there is no way to prove that they are mine or even his for that matter. I would love to be able to sell them both. They are his pride and joys...and the root of some our problems also. So for now, I will have to just hope that while he is teaching his whore to ride and letting her ride it, she will tear it up or wreck it.

Thankfully, my son and I are both healthy. I kind of expected there not to be any funds for my area. I live in a very small rural area and there aren't a lot of resources. The resources that we do have are usually gone pretty quick. I did talk to the water department and they are letting me wait until I get paid again to pay. One advantage of being in a small town...the man that works for the city is actually the father in law of my husbands sister. She is totally different and does not have ANYTHING to do with her parents. She only visited my husband at our house. So her FIL knows the situation and hasn't ever been very fond of her family. So that will save my water from being disconnected. Hopefully I get paid again before I get anything from the electric company.

You are right, Tushnurse. I don't have a choice. I have to keep moving. Even if it is one step forward, two steps back. I have to.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
WeepingBuddhist
Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, July 17th (Thursday)

Good for you, BBM! It took enormous strength to delete those hurtful pics. Block that "friend" and don't even worry about whatever kind of BS she is throwing your way. With friends like that...


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 676 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
nomistakeaboutit
Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, July 17th (Thursday)

Congratulations on starting to detach. That's a great step.

But, this:

I miss my husband EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY.

Really?

Do you maybe mean you miss the wonderful past fantasy of what you thought he was?

This is one of the hardest things for us to admit to ourselves. The people we loved were not who we thought they were. Missing them is missing a non reality.....like missing a dream you once had.

And, since you like C&W music, I've got one for you.

"There's not enough room in this double bed for the three of us."


Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 974 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
scaredyKat
Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, July 17th (Thursday)

I think you should make a list of YOUR positive traits...

You are loyal.
You are a great mother
You are a hard worker

Get the picture? You need to start telling yourself that YOU are the prize, not him. He's an addict, he loves only his drug of choice, he isn't anyone's prize. YOU are.

He is a fool. You will realize that you are better off without him, and your son will be healthier for it...


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3879 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Jomarion
Member
Member # 43659
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, July 17th (Thursday)

Yes, YOU ARE THE PRIZE! That is true what scaredy cat said. How loyal, generous and good you seem just from these posts, what a gift to someone who truly deserves you. And from all this shit, you will be even stronger, a better woman from it. Hard to see now, believe me, I know from myself it is hard to see. One thing someone said to me here on SI, which I kept repeating to myself and helped me is:

HE IS SOMEBODY ELSES's PROBLEM. Not yours! Yippi!

And by letting him go, it will help him too. Tell the love you feel for him that - it will help him too. No one to prop him up may help him heal.


me:BGF, 54, American immigrant. one son. me and my ex get along great, the most amicable split imaginable!
him:WBF,43, Polish immigrant
together since 2006,
DDay:October28,2009,after his 3 teen kids push him to cheat with OW.
5 betrayed me

Posts: 203 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: UK
Jomarion
Member
Member # 43659
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, July 17th (Thursday)

I had to chuckle a little in recognition when you said the first thing your husband took were his tools. My WBF took his tools too first thing! That is why I ended up phoning the police, he trespassed on my property after I told him not to for...his precious tools. Symptom of his pathetic values - inanimate objects, cold inanimate objects, the most important things to them. Wow....


me:BGF, 54, American immigrant. one son. me and my ex get along great, the most amicable split imaginable!
him:WBF,43, Polish immigrant
together since 2006,
DDay:October28,2009,after his 3 teen kids push him to cheat with OW.
5 betrayed me

Posts: 203 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: UK
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, July 17th (Thursday)

I have always struggled with having low self esteem. I think that is part of why I feel like he is the best for me. Up until recently, he has always worked hard to build my self esteem. But to be cheated on, crushed what self esteem I had. Which was basically none....it makes me feel like I am not pretty enough, skinny enough, good enough or just enough...so telling myself the good things is hard for me.

WeepingBuddhist- That "friend" has always been this way. She is also my cousin and the reason my husband and I ever got together! She likes to tell me the ALL the bad things and then be the one to try to pick me up. Several times in our lives, we have went years not talking because of how she is. At times, she seems to want to hurt me. Other times, she can be the best person and friend I could ask for. I do try to limit my contact with her for this reason.

Right now, there isn't anything of any real value left at my house of my husbands. He has most of his clothes, some small tools, family pictures and things his Grandpa left him. I would never keep those things from him because of the sentimental value. Some of the other not so sentimental things, may end up in the fire pit at some point. Maybe when I finally find that anger....


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, July 17th (Thursday)

I have always struggled with having low self esteem. I think that is part of why I feel like he is the best for me. Up until recently, he has always worked hard to build my self esteem. But to be cheated on, crushed what self esteem I had. Which was basically none....it makes me feel like I am not pretty enough, skinny enough, good enough or just enough...so telling myself the good things is hard for me.

WOW!!! This is the definition of Codepenendency.
I was sooooooo like this too. My whole persona, and belief in myself was all based on what H thought of me. If he was happy with how I did everything I was happiest, and when he gave me a compliment no matter how small I would practically swoon. Then I had kids, and lost even more of myself. Then my world fell apart.

I realized with the help of the wonderful folks here, and a few books that I was codependent, and broken. It took a lot for me to realize that for me to be strong, and have good real, lasting self esteem, that I had to nurture that within myself. So I started doing things for me. I lost some weight with Dday, and I looked good, so I bought some clothes to show that off, for the first time in my life. I also threw out all my granny panties, and bought nothing but underwear and bras that made me feel sexy, feminine, and pretty. I started to do things for me. I chopped all my hair off, that I had kept long cause that's how he liked it. It was short and sassy, and went with my personality.
I started with some positive self talk. Everyday when I got ready for work, when I looked in the mirror I told myself that I was smart, fun, sexy, and awesome. I also made a promise to myself to do one nice thing for ME every single day. It could be anything from reading in the tub, to going for a walk with my favorite tunes jamming in my ears. But I still do those things EVERY DAY. I also know that I'm too fat, but still sexy, I know I'm a good mom, a crappy housekeeper, and an awesome chef. I accept the things about myself that are less than, and go on, I know I have the power to change them, if they meant enough to me I would.

You have to start to do these things for you. Have you gotten a copy of Codependent no more?
Are you going to the meeting today?
Start now. Do these things. YOU are more than capable, and the less you interact with what's his name the stronger you will become.

(((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8913 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, July 17th (Thursday)

I understand the feeling of missing someone close..I keep wondering how everything suddenly changed on a dime....I keep going back in time to reminisce ...

I don't miss my WH per say, he is not the one I am talking about here.. I have had plenty of time to become thoroughly detached from my WH..

But I am going thru another situation..And I think many of my feelings could apply in your case with the loss of your dream of a good marriage with your WH..

My sister..

My sister is also my best friend..

I shared my innermost thoughts with her ( not the gross TMI kind ).

We lived in the same general area a little over 1 hour away from each other..

We met up to hang out about every two weeks or every month..Usually downtown, which was a 35-40 minute drive for both of us....

No matter how irritating my home life or work life got I had these hang outs to look forward to..

Then last year my sister moved about 2000 miles away...She still kept her volunteer job in our area, so she flew ( non-rev flights) here, every month, to do her day of volunteering.. Then she would spend the rest of the weekend hanging out with me and her daughter..

Gradually it got more difficult for my sister to plan her non rev flights around her volunteer schedule..So she had to resign from her volunteer job..

It has been almost 6 months since I saw my sister last..This is the longest time we have been apart in over 20 years..

What is frustrating is that my sister can't or won't give me a time window of when she will want to try to fly in to see me or let me fly in to see her..

It is hard to get her to pick up when I call, which is once in a blue moon.. I don't want to harass her, lol..

So I feel like I am losing this important connection in my life by no choice of my own..

There is a palpable grief, I miss her BADLY..Going downtown triggers me to sadness, due to the memories of the fun stuff my sister and I did there..

I do get together with friends every now and then , but nothing replaces what my sister and I did TOGETHER, or how I felt when I was with her..

This kind of loss is crazy making... No matter how close you are to your relative, friend or spouse, you cannot jump into his or her mind and read it..

So you wonder if a person's feelings about you were ever for real..I have already spoken with my normally forthcoming and straightforward sister about this situation...She denies being upset with me..But what I have to deal with are her actions, because those are what hurt..

This situation with my sister and I, for the time being anyway, feels like I am grieving a death...The death of a connection we had..It IS what it IS, I have been unable to say or do anything to change it, so now all I can do is pray..

So the only choice I have is to nurture myself...Enjoy my own company..Not let the world pass me by....Share/enjoy my time and attention with others...I don't want to be a shipwreck when my sister comes back to me, or when I decide that I have to live my life without her strong connection in it....

Even when one is doing all of the right things, all of the healthy things to live life, one must still take the time to grieve when necessary..To grieve that dream or connection in our life which was once strong but now fading..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 1:44 PM, July 17th (Thursday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1437 | Registered: Nov 2011
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, July 17th (Thursday)

my husband texted around 5 and said that he was trying to find a ride over here to get some things he needs. He said he isn't driving because he doesn't know who is watching....blah blah blah. Instead of texting him back, I went outside and weeded my flowers. Big step for me!

This is VERY GOOD! and deleting that photo, even better. Now, just keep it up.

Yes I helped pay for the 4wheeler and also a very expensive dirt bike. But they don't have titles so there is no way to prove that they are mine or even his for that matter. I would love to be able to sell them both.

Doesn't matter weather there is a title or not. Depending on where you live and the divorce laws (again, PLEASE go see an attorney!) these vehicles are at least HALF yours. You could force him to sell them. Or the courts could order them returned to you and you can sell them. You need this money to keep a roof over your child's head and food on the table.

As far as him texting about any more of his property, do NOT allow him to take anything more from your house. Personal items, clothes, toiletries, etc, put them in a Hefty bag and toss them out in the garage driveway on your way to the post office. But DO NOT allow him back and DO NOT respond.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8040 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, July 17th (Thursday)

I have lost 20lbs since May 14th, so I do feel a little better about myself. Only 9 more until I actually weigh what my license says I weigh. So I guess something good has came out of this nightmare.

I also needed constant reassurance from my husband. Maybe that pushed him away? I don't know. But I know it is something that I need to work on. I have lost myself along the way. I need to find ME again. I couldn't tell you the last time I did something for myself. My life revolved around my husband and son.


I have spoken to a lawyer but right now, finances are so bad that I can not actually file for divorce. And sadly, I really don't want to do that. I still don't want a divorce. I still hope EVENTUALLY something will change. It may be months from now or longer but maybe....just maybe...

I had a weak moment and ALMOST texted him. It was just something I noticed in the house that was always a running inside joke. Instantly I wanted to text him to say "we have 3 rolls of toilet paper left, should I panic now?" Little things like that are hard. No one else would get that. No one else shared what we have for the last 13+ years. How do I just throw all that away? How could he? These are the things I struggle with the most.

Sorry, weak moment. I AM trying to be strong. I REALLY am. He hasn't texted me or tried to contact me today. I don't plan on letting him come here anytime soon. I am not strong enough to see him. I would think he would actually be going on house arrest soon? I don't know though and wouldn't get an honest answer if I asked. So I won't. No personal or emotional questions. No contact. I can do this....I have no other choice.



The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
Hopetosurvive98
Member
Member # 33842
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, July 17th (Thursday)

BBM-be proud you did not contact him when you felt the urge. Those urges will come less and less as you grow stronger. Be proud of these victories.
I want to address the statement asking if your need for reassurance drove him away. Um HELL NO!!! It has ZERO to do with you. Nothing, nada,zip. His choice to be a meth addict, his choice to abandon his wife and child to shack up with a new girlfriend, his choice to be a liar and a sleezebag. BBM you are in love with the idea of him and the reality is while I'm certain you had great moments he was many of the above things before you married him. So who made him be an addict back then? Who made him abandon his older child? Who made him take zero responsibility for that childs well being? Nobody but him! You see he's been this man all along and he will always be until HE sees fit to change-likely be never. But he will not change until he runs out if options of people who enable him and take the blame for him, and keep saving his ass.
Start focusing on you. You are a good person, a loving and dedicated mother, a hard worker and the list goes on. What is he??
Keep marching forward. Do not take the bait and remember what I said before about how he will react to you no longer anticipating by the phone. He will likely loose it or start throwing flowers and unicorns at you to get you back in line. He knows he might need you to serve his own selfish needs. Remember he is a liar and do not let him manipulate you. Stay away from communicating and keep holding strong. You are doing so good!
And yes the lawyer is a must. I imagine there must be someway to get help with an attorney. This motorcycles etc are marital property.
Anyhow great job BBM-stay strong!


Me: BS 36
Him:WS 36
DDay 9/8/11, 3yr LTA
Her: super classy coworker, 44, involved in many A's including several other coworkers.

Posts: 439 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: The beautiful south
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, July 17th (Thursday)

I also needed constant reassurance from my husband. Maybe that pushed him away.

No. Nothing you did pushed him away. This was a CHOICE he made. If he wasn't happy for any reason, he could have talked to you, he could have suggested marriage counseling, or any number of things. But he chose to do drugs, disappear with no explaination & have an affair.

I have spoken to a lawyer but right now, finances are so bad that I can not actually file for divorce. And sadly, I really don't want to do that. I still don't want a divorce.

I don't think there is one person here who can actually say that they wanted a divorce when they filed. It's more about self preservation, self-respect, and protecting your assets, your future, and your son. And in your situation, you really, really, really need to think about your personal liability. You are married to a drunk and a drug addict. If he goes out and kills someone while driving, you could be paying off a wrongful death suit for the rest of you life. Think about that.

It sounds like you are getting stronger. Keep it up.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8040 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, July 17th (Thursday)

The weak moments are hard. Just hang in there.

What is an in-joke compared to being lied to and used? How can there be 'love' in the former when the latter is going on?

The more distance you get, the easier it will be.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4247 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
k8la
Member
Member # 38408
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, July 17th (Thursday)

Did you make it to the meeting today? What did you learn about being addicted to the addict?

Posts: 174 | Registered: Feb 2013
cosmicjoke
Member
Member # 39159
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, July 17th (Thursday)

BBM- I would lock up anything & everything you or your son has of any value (monetary or sentimental) before it gets stolen.. I could see that happening next. In a safe box at the bank if possible.
Just a few thoughts.. can you move in with your folks, a relative or friend? Times like this are when families are supposed to come together and protect their own. Do you go to a church? Even if you don't or you're not religious, you might be able to find some support there. That's what they're supposed to do- help others.
How about a local women's group or shelter? Crisis center?
Look in the phone book or ask the folks at Al-Anon. Someone somewhere should be able to help!

Posts: 256 | Registered: May 2013
cosmicjoke
Member
Member # 39159
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, July 17th (Thursday)

Yeah I was wondering about that too.. How was the meeting? Please tell us you went...!

Posts: 256 | Registered: May 2013
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, July 18th (Friday)

I did go to the meeting. I didn't speak other than to introduce myself and tell my who was the alcoholic in my life. I did not tell my story. It was a very awkward meeting. It only lasted about 30-45 minutes and there were only 4 other people there. They all seemed to know each other. They weren't rude or anything, but I felt like I had crashed a party uninvited. I have a family member who used to be a drug and alcohol abuse counselor and she is going to talk to some friends to see if she can find another meeting to go to. It really wasn't what I expected.

I didn't text him at all yesterday. Several times I wanted to. He didn't text me either. I know that is for the best but it really does bother me. I do expect to hear from him in the next few days. That seems to be his MO.

My dad texted me last night and told me that my son had begged to text him and he was crying. Finally, he let him. He did text him right back. Which is actually surprising. Dad said after he texted, my son was better. He just really misses his Dad. So do I. It isn't fair. It breaks my heart that my son is dealing with this. Just thinking about it, brings tears to my eyes.

I work at a Catholic school and I have talked to the priest here about setting up sometime to talk to him. Maybe that will help. I can't afford to drive to the counseling appointment so I hoping he can do that for me.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
outtanowhere
Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, July 18th (Friday)

YAY for you BBM! I know how hard that was but, I''m SO proud of you for taking that first step. Don''t be discouraged. The same thing happened to me when I went to my first SAnon meeting. They are VERY structured even tho there were only 3-4 of us in attendance and that kind of put me off too. I was told that you need to go at least 6 times before you decide that it isn''t a good fit since the first time may have been just an off night. You should feel very good about the strength you are showing in moving forward. It''s all so hard. Everyone here knows exactly how hard it really is.

Atta girl for reaching out to the priest! I hope you will be amazed at how people who care will respond if you just continue to reach out.

Missing what you thought you had is so very normal. At some point you need to use the rational part of your brain to separate out what that was vs. what your reality is now. Men who love their wives and children don''t treat them this way. Addicts USE everybody for their own selfish gain. That is very hard to admit but, it is so very true. Mourn the loss of your fantasy but, get a grip on your reality and your future.

I''m almost 58 and terrified of starting all over but, after a year and a half of dealing with addict thinking and behavior, I know anything has to be better than this.

Keep going Honey! You are smart, loving and stronger than you know! Your strength will provide much needed security for your little boy.


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 803 | Registered: Apr 2013
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, July 18th (Friday)

It was hard and I actually almost talked myself out of it before leaving my house. I thought "I have been dealing with his alcoholism for over 10 years alone, why do I need this?" But I went, basically because it was better than sitting at home, crying.

I was reluctant to reach out to the priest also. I am just worried about what everyone will think. I don't want to lose my job because of him. I worry about that. I work with a lot of prominent parents...what if they found out about him and didn't trust me with their kids?

I realize that what my husband is NOW isn't what he always was. I don't what him NOW. I want the memories of the good stuff back. I don't want to be alone either. I am terrified of starting over. I don't know any different than him....I am 35 and have almost always been with him. I don't even know how or where to begin. It scares the bejeesus out of me to be without him.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, July 18th (Friday)

Can you contact the person that you have a counseling appointment with and see if you can do it over the phone? No, that''s not ideal, however, if you truly can''t afford to get there, either by your own car or public transportation, then it''s loads better than not going.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5310 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 4:27 PM, July 18th (Friday)

I'm glad you went to the meeting too. That is another big step.

You remind me a lot of myself many years ago when I was married to my X-POS-WH.

I was the QUEEN of denial. And the definition of co-dependent. X-POS-(piece-of-shit)-WH was, like yours, an alcoholic, abusive, a liar, a cheater and in constant trouble.

I made excuses for him, covered up for him, propped him up, paid for attorneys, refinanced my house several times to pay off his debt, etc, etc, etc.

I used to think he would eventually grow up and stop drinking and be responsible. I used to think that if people really knew him like I did, they would see, like me, that he was really a wonderful person.

EVERY SINGLE TIME he got into trouble, or something bad happened to him, it was someone else's fault. Someone had always done him wrong. He was the forever victim. I felt sorry for him. He'd get fired from his job, I'd help him find another one. Lather, rince, repeat.

When I found out he had been cheating on me (through our whole marriage) I couldn't believe it. And I couldn't believe he could be so cruel to me as he was. I kept thinking, this isn't the real him.

It took me a long time to realize and accept that the nice loving guy I had married never existed. THAT man was all an act. The REAL guy was the liar, the cheater, the abuser, and the alcoholic.

I was so screwed up when I got out of that mess, I didn't even know which way was up. I was 39 years old and thought my life was over.

Today I am 53, remarried to a wonderful man who is completely different in every way from my ex. It's almost embarrassing to me today to realize that I had accepted the horrible treatment my ex dished out to me.

I think the fact that you are worried about what others think tells me you know deep down how bad things have been. But maybe you're just not quite ready to accept it. I get that. I've been there too. And I am here to tell you, the ONLY way to clear your head of all the BS clutter he has polluted you with is to remain no-contact. Stick with it. NC = no more hurt.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 12:41 AM, July 19th (Saturday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8040 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, July 18th (Friday)

I feel like I could have written your post, Sadtoo. I have always defended, supported, and believed 110% in my husband. Even at his worst, like now, I want to defend the man I love. The man I knew. I have even told people you don't know him like I do, you don't understand....I guess they saw what I didn't. I guess I just didn't want to face facts. I still don't. It hurts to know I was so blind, so naive...so STUPID for so long.

NC is best for me because I am STILL that blind, naive, stupid little girl that wants to know he loves me and wants me. I know I couldn't turn him away if he needed me. How do you turn your back on someone you love so much? And yes I still make excuses for him when my friends and family say bad things. He is off his meds, he has mental issues, meth changes a person....blah blah blah. Silly, I know.

He is toxic. We don't need the heartache. I get that. But I still miss him, I still love him. I WILL be better off without him, eventually. But that doesn't make the heartache, the hurt, the loneliness or the feeling of being lost, empty and terrified without him.

This is who he has always been, he just did a fantastic job of hiding it from me, of convincing me that he was the father and husband we needed. He just couldn't hide it anymore. His demons took over. Maybe he will get better, but it won't last. It will always be like this. I am surprised he did as good as he did for as long as he did.

I am very screwed up right now. Mentally, emotionally, physically, financially....he really did a number on me. I have a huge mess to dig myself out of while he enjoys his life with his whore. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about how easy and carefree his life is while I worry about EVERYTHING.

I am sorry my posts seem so bipolar. My mood and feelings change minute to minute. I just want this whole nightmare to end. Sadly, I don't see the end happening for awhile. The light at the end of the tunnel just seems to keep getting farther and farther away.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
cosmicjoke
Member
Member # 39159
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, July 18th (Friday)

BBM.. well, to be honest I've been to an Al-Anon meeting too and it was weird for me also. It felt kind of aimless, I didn't like that there wasn't a leader, and it just seemed to be a free for all. lots of people rambling about 'getting in touch with their feelings'. WTF...?? Excuse me but I've never had an issue with that....! I'm here to find out how to better understand the alcoholic and how to cope with that on a daily practical level. So it was a total waste of time, although people say you have to keep going and 'give it time'. Well.. I really don't have time to give, without results. So I get it.
However I was hoping you would have a better experience. But LEAST you gave it a shot... and there are certainly other avenues to try. Hopefully something will click soon!

Posts: 256 | Registered: May 2013
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 1:27 AM, July 19th (Saturday)

I just didn't want to face facts. I still don't. It hurts to know I was so blind, so naive...so STUPID for so long.

I get that too. I was the same way. This was probably the most difficult for me to get over ~ the feeling that I was so stupid. But you know what? I wasn't stupid. And neither are you. When someone sets out to deceive you by presenting themselves as someone/something they are not, that is no reflection on you. All you did was love who you thought you married. There is no shame in that. If you knew then all that you know now, you probably wouldn't have ever married him.

Have you heard the parallel between abuse and the frog in the hot water? If you heat the water and then throw the frog into the water, he will jump out. But if you put the frog in while the water is cool and gradually heat it up, the frog will stay in the water until the water boils.

Same with abuse. It doesn't all come on at once. You become "conditioned" to the abuse. If the abuse came on strong in the beginning, you would have told him to F-off and been out the door. But it starts off slow, gradually becoming worse. And the victim stays. And here you sit, not even realizing just how bad things have really gotten.

Keep working on you. Keep reading. Keep going to meetings. Try to make going to therapy a priority.

You deserve a better life for you and your son.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8040 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, July 19th (Saturday)

Thank you, Sadtoo. It is just so hard to face that my I failed in marriage. I still feel as if I should have done something, anything different and this would have never happened.

I haven't heard from him still. I don't expect to over the weekend. But I think by Monday or Tuesday, I will. Maybe not, though. I have no clue what is going on in that messed up head of his.

Weekends are hard. We did a lot together, as a family on the weekends. Now I am alone and he is with her. That kills me. Evenings are hard on me, too. That is when I have nothing to do but think. And when I really realize that something is missing from my home. And right now, it doesn't feel like a home.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
k8la
Member
Member # 38408
Default  Posted: 12:37 PM, July 19th (Saturday)

BBM - the first meeting I went to, there were a couple of old biddies running the meeting so I had no idea there wasn't supposed to be anyone in charge. Instead it was weird, because all of their sharing was around how pissed off they were about their addicted spouses! Hah! Talk about a non-12 step meeting.

I learned quickly to find an online meeting, but more importantly I got a sponsor who helped me work through the steps. The sponsor was the most important part of my recovery but the only way I would have met her was through the online meetings and watching who seemed to be the most sober about their recovery. Then I asked her to sponsor me through the step work.


Posts: 174 | Registered: Feb 2013
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, July 19th (Saturday)

Your life has become so focused on him. Fixing him, making excuses for him, propping him up, maintaining his "good" image, keeping and getting him out of trouble, ect.

I'll bet along the way, you have lost you.

Who are you? What defines YOU? Think about the things in your life that you did that made you happy that have been pushed aside for or because of him. You mentioned your garden. What else?

If you're like me, I let everything I loved go onto the back burner while I focused on my X-POS-WH. And in that process, I lost ME.

Get back to doing the things that YOU love do do.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8040 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, July 19th (Saturday)

I had been reading online about the Al-anon meetings before I went so I will probably continue to do that. At least until I hear something back from my friend/cousin. She is going to talk to some friends of hers that are also counselors. She is no longer a counselor.

It is so funny that you said that about losing myself, Sadtoo. I just told a friend yesterday that I had lost ME. I don't know how to be anything but his wife and a mom. I became so wrapped up in my family that I lost myself along the way. And yes, his issues were a big part of why.

Today has been really hard for me. I have slept most of the day. All I can think about is him. I have wanted to text him so many times. Some days are just so much harder and today is one of those.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, July 20th (Sunday)

(((BBM))))
You can and will do this. You can be successful and happy and stable again. I know it seems impossible right now but you can.
I'm so sorry your meeting sucked but don't give up hope. You are starting to make progress and realize what has happened that's HUGE to your recovery and regaining strength.
Start doing things you like and enjoy (I even became a beekeeper in my journey)
But please please please do not allow yourself to stay in bed, or isolate yourself home alone. Gather friends, family, and others to help you become strong and independent.

And for God's sake quit telling yourself that he is happy and living it up. He isn't he is a fucked up addict that is desperately searching for his next high. He has no conception of what fun, happy, stable, good, or any positive feelings are. He is an addict that is all he knows and all he understands his life is is sad and pitiful. He chose this. He chose this sad broken existence over love and happiness, safety, security, and family. Do NOT feel sorry. Do not blame you.

(((And strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8913 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
cosmicjoke
Member
Member # 39159
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, July 20th (Sunday)

Also, BBM- I want to say something to you I think is very important. Please do not beat yourself up or think there is something 'wrong' with you for putting him first, thinking about him, being focused on him... there is nothing inherently 'wrong' with that, in a healthy relationship.. you are just doing what you are SUPPOSED to do! Put your spouse first, make them the priority of your life.. that even seems to be a survival instinct built into the genetic makeup of women, moreso than men (typically). We are extra good at that. You are doing what is right and natural. So then we feel conflicted by the mixed messages that our situations put us into. Now because of your spouse's sickness, you have to go against your natural instinct and do the opposite.. and it just feels all wrong.
I don't have any magic answers other than keep taking care of yourself and listen to the advice of the folks on this thread.. they know from hard-earned experience and it's some of the best I've seen on here. But don't fault yourself for wanting to talk to him, wanting to fix the relationship, even being 'co-dependent'. After all, look at those old folks who spend every day together and live happily ever after.. aren't they 'co-dependent'..? Isn't that how you're supposed to be? Why else do they say, 'my better half'..? (These are questions that still confuse me.....!)
But just know that in this situation you want to do what you've always done, which is not inherently a bad thing. It's just that now you have to do something different.. and hopefully as time goes on, as long as your spouse remains 'lost', it will get easier and you will feel a little bit stronger every day.
And if he does come around, then at least you'll have had a much-needed personal growth experience...

[This message edited by cosmicjoke at 10:56 PM, July 20th (Sunday)]


Posts: 256 | Registered: May 2013
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 12:33 AM, July 21st (Monday)

Cosmicjoke is absolutely right. You ARE suppose to put your spouse first. But in a healthy relationship, they are putting YOU first so things balance out.

In an abusive/addiction relationship, (like yours) your are putting your spouse first and he is putting himself first. Nobody is taking care or looking out for you.

I hope your weekend turned out better than it started.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8040 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, July 21st (Monday)

Thank you Cosmicjoke, but I don't see him coming around anytime soon. He is just so focused on himself that he seems to have forgotten that he has a wife and child.

Today is day #5 with no contact. I know that is a good thing but it really bothers me. I still don't understand how he can just completely forget about the life we had. He just walked away so easily. It kills me.

I spent yesterday laying in the pool...still alone but doing one of my favorite things. However, I spent a lot of that time crying and thinking and crying and thinking. It is a vicious cycle....I just miss my family so bad. It is getting better though. I still cry A LOT but not as much as I did.

I considered taking all of our family pictures down this morning...at 3 am, when I couldn't sleep. But I am afraid that will really bother my son when he comes home. I don't want him to think that I have given up on his Dad or am trying to get rid of him. How do I handle that?


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, July 21st (Monday)

I think you can take down the family photos. Don't burn them, or throw them out. Your son may want them later.
I do think it's reasonable to tell him that seeing those hurts too much right now. If your son wasn't aware of what was going on I would offer different advice, but your son has been a support to you early on. You need show him that you are taking steps to be stronger, and make your and your son's life better.

You need to give yourself a set time for crying, daily in the shower, at night before going to sleep the rest of the time when you feel down, do something productive, and healthy for you.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8913 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, July 21st (Monday)

I was just afraid that if he came in and they were gone, it would be a shock to him. He has been through so much already with all of this nonsense! I hate to do anything else to possibly damage him. My heart breaks for my innocent little boy. I don't understand, so I know that he doesn't.

I have vowed to not cry in front of him anymore or to even let him see me sad. He is too worried about me and he shouldn't be. He is only 9. He shouldn't have to call and check on his mom. I hate what my husband has done to him. Bastard.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, July 21st (Monday)

I agree with TN. Take down the pictures. Your son knows what is going on and he is old enough for you to explain (in age appropriate words & without emotion) why they are down.

Put up other pictures in their place. Find some cute pictures of your son and you together or just your son and put those in the frame. Print them yourself or email them to Walmart and have them print them. Watch for sales & coupons. You can get this done very, very inexpensive.

Another thing I did was redid my house so things didn't look the same as when XH was there. Even though $ is tight, there are ways to do this, even on a tight budget. Switch bedrooms with your son. Look around for any left over paint and mix it all together and see what color you get, then paint the walls. If you have several cans of white or off white, take it in to a paint store and have them "tint" this paint. Some places will do this for free. This will also keep you busy & your mind off him. And it will give you a sense of accomplishment.

I don't know where you live, but it is going to be HOT here over the next few days, so doing anything inside would be good.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8040 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
outtanowhere
Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 5:40 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)

I borrowed this from another thread I saw this morning because it made me think of you!

Praying you are gathering your strength for a happier future!

[This message edited by outtanowhere at 5:41 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 803 | Registered: Apr 2013
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)

I love that, Outtanowhere! I am printing it so I will have it as a reminder.

He texted last night around 10:30. He just said that his phone is going to be off for the next few days until he can get the money to pay for it. He just has one of those AT&T GoPhones. Guess his whore won't pay for it? His wife would have...oh well. I didn't text him back. I don't know why he bothered to tell me. It isn't like he has been communicating with me anyway. Today is #6 of NC for me.

I am starting to get mad more and it is starting to last a little longer each time. I need to find my anger. Especially for what he is doing to our son. At times, I hate him. I don't understand how I can hate someone and miss/love them so much at the same time. This is such a rollercoaster of emotions. It is crazy. But it is my life right now...up down up down....with a lot of crazy twists and turns. I HATE IT.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
Schadenfreude
Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)

Come back with me just a few short weeks. Would you have believed it if I had promised you that in a few weeks you'd be going six days of NC without dying? That, BBM, is progress.

Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
scaredyKat
Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)

I want to encourage you to go back to alanon for just a few more meetings. I know it all sounds contrived and odd. But listen to the steps, the traditions, the keys, the problem. After a few meetings it really starts to sink in and help. A support group like this saved my sanity, helping me to see in not alone. Helping me to detach, from him, from the behaviors, and to focus on what matters.
These programs work.

Good for you. Small steps.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3879 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
WeepingBuddhist
Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)

SIX DAYS?!?!

Way to go, BBM! You couldn't have ignored him for six HOURS a couple of weeks ago. Keep taking care of yourself!


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 676 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)

No, I would have never believed that I could survive 6 days! I could barely survive 6 minutes! I will admit it has been a LOOOOOOONNNNNGGG 6 days. But in the process of the no contact, I have become stronger. I still want to text/call/contact him on a daily basis but I won't let myself. I have to show him that I am okay, even if I don't feel it!

He needs to miss me....maybe he isn't, I don't know. But I would like to think he is....


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
Hopetosurvive98
Member
Member # 33842
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)

Way to go BBM!!!! Be proud of yourself! You are getting stronger every single time you ignore him and resist contact. You are empowering yourself and seeing first hand there is more to life then being manipulated, used, and abused. Huge progress!
Why did he bother to text?? Well this is my theory...just to test the water and throw a little "I'm still here, don't foget me because i might need you" out to you to see if you are still on the line if he starts reeling. You didnt bite and I hope you are proud! Who knows if its true or not about the phone being out of order and who cares. Nobody should be paying that bill but him!! Not you or the girlfriend but him. But who cares why- Keep this momentum going, keep nourishing your strength, keep finding your power and taking care of yourself. Do it for you and for your son because you both deserve so much more.


Me: BS 36
Him:WS 36
DDay 9/8/11, 3yr LTA
Her: super classy coworker, 44, involved in many A's including several other coworkers.

Posts: 439 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: The beautiful south
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)

You are doing SO GREAT!!

He texted last night around 10:30. He just said that his phone is going to be off for the next few days until he can get the money to pay for it.

^^^^ This should really make you angry! This was his way of asking you to pay for his phone bill!!! He doesn't text or call to see how you're doing, do you have enough food, $, etc, but he calls to "let you kow his phone is going to off"??? This is a ploy for sympathy. And him hoping that the old you would answer right back with "I'll pay your bill for you."

GREAT job not taking that bait.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 2:50 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8040 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
cosmicjoke
Member
Member # 39159
Default  Posted: 2:29 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday)

'Living it up'..??? Ha. Yeah right.. Let's see how long THAT'll last...
I get the feeling that any day now he will run out of money/ drugs and he & the scumbag will wake up & see each other in the brutal light of day, ((ugh)).. the party will come to a screeching halt- and he'll have an 'oh sh!t- what have I done?' rock bottom moment.. and he'll wanna crawl back home. I hope you are taking real steps to surround yourself with a fortress of support. Even getting out of your house to start over somewhere else if possible. That also sends a clear message that you are done, and he can't come home again when it's convenient for him. All this is, of course, easier said than done.. but keep asking for help. I would hate to see you make such progress and then have him show up on your doorstep like a lost puppy dog, tugging your heartstrings, with all kinds of empty promises and then ruin everything. (i.e. your progress). He knows he can work your emotions and he can & will play that card when the time is right.
So be prepared with a plan, whatever it is you decide to do- protect yourself!

Posts: 256 | Registered: May 2013
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday)

Yes, he SHOULD be paying for his own things...however, I don't see how he can do that. I honestly doubt he is "working" like he says he is. Doesn't really matter, I guess. I honestly didn't think of it that way, Sadtoo. I just figured he was making excuses as to why he wouldn't be contacting me. Not that it matters either. He hasn't been contacting anyway. I wouldn't have paid it, if I could have. I am done taking care of him. Let someone else do it. His girlfriend is good enough to leave his home and family for, she should be good enough to take care of him.

That is what I thought, Hopetosurvive. He was just checking to see if I was still sitting there waiting. I just figured he was using that as an excuse to text something, anything. Just to reel me in....

I used to think that too, Cosmicjoke. But I don't know now. I think he likes where he is. Money or no money. I think he enjoys the freedom of no responsibilities, no household bills or chores, and no tired wife. There is no doubt in my mind that he WILL hit rock bottom, even though I really thought going to prison WAS rock bottom. I think he has farther to go. I do know that IF he does want to come home, it will be because he HAS to. Not because he WANTS to. I mean that as he has no where else to go. I would think that parents would get tired of having their 33y/o daughters, married 35y/o boyfriend living with them. Especially since I know he isn't contributing financially!

I feel strong when I am not talking to him. I don't know if I could keep that up if he did start the "I miss my family. Poor, poor me" routine. I hope that I can.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
Hopetosurvive98
Member
Member # 33842
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday)

BBM- you are strong enough-you are. You are proving it everyday and yes if he starts up with his lies to try to save his own ass it will be a great big challenge for you, but you are strong enough. I am so proud of you and be proud of yourself. Without him and his manipulation and crazy making you are able to think clearly and your possibilities for a better life are endless. You are doing so well! Keep it up.


Me: BS 36
Him:WS 36
DDay 9/8/11, 3yr LTA
Her: super classy coworker, 44, involved in many A's including several other coworkers.

Posts: 439 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: The beautiful south
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday)

Thank you! I honestly could not have done it without the great support (and yes, sometimes 2X4's!) that I have gotten here. I know that I still have a long way to go. But each day, I get just a little stronger!


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
Schadenfreude
Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday)

A positive attitude is a very good thing. You no longer sound desperate and fearful. You seem to have realized that there is life without WH the addicted cheater.

Yours is one of the sadder stories as many here saw the futility of attempting to reconcile with him. He'd have to be struck by lightning or something to have a sufficient turnabout to be a worthy husband and father.

Sorry for my 2x4's to you (i.e. telling you that you would become your MIL unless you detached from WH) but sometimes the reality is harsh. Those who knocked you are informal members of Team Reality who do mean well if sometimes too blunt.

Keep up the good work!


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday)

I desperately needed those 2X4's! I was so desperate to believe EVERYTHING he told me, even when I knew it was an outright lie! My MIL is definitely NOT someone I want to be. And I have said that for years! But now, I see how she got to this point. She too just wanted to believe my FIL and I think she thought (like I did and maybe still do) that she could FIX him. And as long as he came home to her to she could deal with everything else. I am glad I found you guys BEFORE I got to that point! You saved us from years of the abuse!

It is a very sad story. If it were just me, it wouldn't hurt so much. But I have to think of my innocent little boy. He definitely does NOT deserve this. I just can't believe that it got to this point.

I knew that the drug relapse could happen at anytime. But the longer it went, the better the chances were that it wouldn't. At least, that is what I continued to tell myself. Boy was I ever wrong!?!


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday)

How funny...just got a text that says "my phone is back on." And I got that funny feeling in my stomach as soon as I saw "Cheating Bastard" on my phone. I hate that he can do that to me.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
Schadenfreude
Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday)

Just ignore it. Why should you care that his phone is back on. He used up his minutes before texting/talking with OW and/or drug supplier. Not you and not your son.

Please don't be his support system. He can't or won't hold a job, and his "need" for you is simple: money.

Haven't you been more peaceful these past 6 or 7 days? Do you really want to return to those thrilling days of yesterdays where you held your phone waiting for him to contact you? Remember when he simply disappeared for 16 days? That is no way to live.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
Hopetosurvive98
Member
Member # 33842
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday)

Ignore it just like you have been. I swear he's testing you to see if you're there anticipating by the phone-it sure wasn't off long! Don't be surprised if he starts ramping up as you ignore. For the abuser and manipulator realizing they are losing their power and plan B might slip away can result in crazy behavior. No matter keep this momentum as you know communication with him adds to your hurt and confusion-it will only set you back. Keep marching forward and post here I stead of replying to him. You are doing so well and I think you're seeing him and his actions now for what they are. He only wants to use you. Good work BBM!


Me: BS 36
Him:WS 36
DDay 9/8/11, 3yr LTA
Her: super classy coworker, 44, involved in many A's including several other coworkers.

Posts: 439 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: The beautiful south
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday)

Please remember that even though you say that he was drug free he was using alcohol and that means he was NOT clean.
He is checking to see if you are still waiting for him. Do not respond. Do not allow yourself the fantasy of him being clean or him getting it. He does NOT he will NOT. You have to realize that he is choosing this path and it has zero to do with you. He is sick and broken and he is doing you and your son a favor. Your son does deserve better so it's up to you to provide that for him.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8913 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
momentintime
Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday)

I know you truly see him as he is now. I know in your heart you want him to come back and be the man you want him to be. You also want your son to have his daddy.

Right now and into the future, he isn't fit to be a daddy or a good husband. Until he gets help and plenty of it for his addictions, you don't need this man around your son. He is not safe. Hear me....he is NOT SAFE! Drugs mess you up, and he has definitely been messed up for some time.

You hang on, stay strong. I hear in your posts the yearning you have for your son. However if he were to come back in this physical shape it wouldn't be pretty. You have to protect you son, first and foremost. So stay the course, get strong, don't take any of his excuses for reality. Reality is, he is going to jail, he choose to go to OW, and for the drugs with her. He doesn't check on how you and son are. He just wants no responsibility.

You are getting stronger each day. We are all proud of you. We know it is hard to back away and let them flounder. But you can't fix him. No way, no how.

[This message edited by momentintime at 2:32 AM, July 24th (Thursday)]


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 3020 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
Schadenfreude
Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, July 24th (Thursday)

You aren't maried to him any more. You are married to drugs and alcohol and OW. The guy you married is buried under all those things.

Until you accept this as your reality, you will still have hope if and when he sends you any communication.

Please stay strong for you and your son. Detach. Detach. Detach.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
Twitchy
Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, July 24th (Thursday)

Good Morning BBM.

I'm just getting up to speed on your situation so forgive me if this has already been asked, but, is there a reason why you haven't blocked his number yet?

Just seeing call come in causes you pain. That says a lot. Do you need to even know he's calling? You're not going answer anyway. His OW can deal with his problems, they're hers to deal with now. Make things easier on yourself.

[This message edited by Twitchy at 7:34 AM, July 24th (Thursday)]


BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot


Posts: 663 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, July 24th (Thursday)

I did respond when he texted but only with "K". I didn't hear anymore from him. However, just that little bit of communication from him really bothered me. I had that pit in my stomach. I hate that feeling. I hate that my marriage has came to this point.

I do believe he is testing me, too. Just needs to stay on my radar so I don't forget him. Oh how I wish I could....I do think it will be awhile before he actually starts ramping up his strategy. Right now, he is happy with his whore. Well, as happy as he can be. When the fun and new wears off, then he will start texting/calling more often. Maybe. I really don't know anymore. I am so confused right now that I am not even sure of the things that I was once so sure of. Does that make sense? This has just been such a disaster.

I am having a hard time realizing that the end of my marriage has nothing to do with me. I realize that he is broken and sick and that he has done this to us. But part of me still feels guilty. Like I should have done more or tried harder.

He is very messed up. He is trying to self medicate to take care of his mental issues. I called the pharmacy and asked how many refills he had left, just out of curiosity. I had picked up his meds right before he left on May 14th and he had 1 refill left at that time. I was told he still has one left and that was the last time they had been picked up. So he is definitely NOT taking his meds. Instead, he is using the drugs and alcohol to self medicate. That was what he did years before and at that time he attempted suicide. That scares me.

On a positive note, my sweet boy will be home today! I am so ready to see him! This has been the longest that I have ever been away from him. I miss my rotten boy! But at the same time, I am worried about how to handle him wanting to talk to his Dad.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, July 24th (Thursday)

Twitchy- I have a feature on my phone that says "Block Calls" and I tried to do that to his Dad when he was being hateful and awful to me. But he was still able to text. An actual phone call couldn't come through but texts could. That is usually all that my H does. He rarely calls.

I may be able to do something through the phone company but I haven't tried that.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
lynnm1947
Member
Member # 15300
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, July 24th (Thursday)

The anger will come. Eventually. And that is when I will know that I AM DONE. I am over this treatment.

No, you will know you are done when you just don't give a shit about him any more. The anger, when it comes, will help you get there.


Age: 64..ummmmmmm, no...............65....no...oh, hell born in 1947. You figure it out!

"I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance." Garth Brooks


Posts: 7526 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Toronto, Canada
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, July 24th (Thursday)

I'm glad you boy is coming back!

As for this...

But part of me still feels guilty. Like I should have done more or tried harder.

This is pretty classic codependent thinking. The 'coulda/shoulda/woulda' hits us all. But nothing you did or did not do caused his actions. You're just not that powerful! Do your best to realize that you do not have control over his decision nor the responsibility to save him or your M. The place where you can and should try harder is on learning to focus on you, learning to set boundaries for what you accept, learning to let go of the desire to control him. In other words, taking your life back.

(((BaseballMom))))

You're doing great.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4247 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, July 25th (Friday)

I wish the not giving a shit about him would happen soon. I have had a really bad feeling in the past day or 2. I don't know why but I just want to check on him. It is weird, I hope it is nothing....

My sweet boy is home! Yay! I missed him. And he misses his Dad. He asked about him as soon as he got in the car. He looked so disappointed and said "oh I thought he would be home now." It broke my heart.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, July 25th (Friday)

You have to he strong for that boy. You have to tell him dad is sick, and he was hurting himself and you and your son. That is why he can't come home. You love you son and yourself enough to not allow him to harm either of you ever again.

Quit worrying about him.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8913 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
WeepingBuddhist
Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, July 25th (Friday)

Be strong for your son. Help him learn that NOT having his dad there is a GOOD thing.


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 676 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, July 25th (Friday)

That is what I have been telling him, Tushnurse. He understands that but I think he thought he would be better by now. He doesn't know the full extent, and he shouldn't. He is only 9. I tried to explain it the best that I could. I did tell him that he could text him whenever he wanted, but I didn't know if he would always respond. I don't ever want him to feel like I have kept him from contacting him.

I stayed strong for him, I hope. I don't cry near as much now and I have vowed not to let him see me cry anymore. I had 2 weeks to cry all I needed and it is time to shut the waterworks off. At least when he is can see it or will know that I have been crying. He deserves better than that. If his dad isn't willing to do better for him, I will.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, July 25th (Friday)

I don't know if you feel any stronger but your posts are showing a big change in you.
You are strong smart and capable.

Every time you think you need to cry take action. Go for a walk, clean a cabinet, make a to do list and go through it when you feel down. It helps to give you something to focus on.

You are going to come out of this stronger a happier and healthier than you can comprehend. You will also be amazed at how far you come. Keep on working to make yourself strong and independent. When you accomplish that then the world is at your fingertips.

(((( And strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8913 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
lynnm1947
Member
Member # 15300
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, July 25th (Friday)

You are sounding so much stronger. Hugs and prayers.


Age: 64..ummmmmmm, no...............65....no...oh, hell born in 1947. You figure it out!

"I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance." Garth Brooks


Posts: 7526 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Toronto, Canada
outtanowhere
Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, July 25th (Friday)

Have you gone back and re-read this thread from the very beginning? You have come such a long way and should be very proud of yourself! I'm glad to see that you are anticipating the love bombs are are sure to start falling when he begins to realize you are breaking out of your trance. Start making a plan now while you are in a good frame of mind.

Make up your mind now that if and when he is allowed to come back to your home it will be under your conditions. Even if he has "nowhere else to go". Too bad, so sad. No sad sob stories where you need to swoop in and save the day. I believe that it takes long time to see proof that someone has changed so set some realistic goals for yourself. Decide now what your terms and conditions are and stick to them. Don't be swayed because he WILL attempt to manipulate you into changing your mind. It's what addicts do best!

He needs to understand that he has a responsibility to man up and be a good role model for his son. So far, all he has modeled to him is irresponsibility, adultery and drug use. I know that you don't want those things for him so this is where you need to be unmovable. You get to call the shots now so set the bar high!

Keep up the good work! Tell yourself over and over, "I'm a good woman and I deserve better" because it's very true!


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 803 | Registered: Apr 2013
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, July 26th (Saturday)

I came to post how I was really having a hard day and that the weekends really get me down....I really want to text him. But instead, I read the posts of encouragement. Thank you for that.

It is hard...and he did text our son last night to tell him good night. That is one of the very rare and few times that he has texted him first.

I still have a really bad feeling that I can't shake and I shared that with my best friend. Instead of being helpful or encouraging she started telling how stupid I was for that and that he chose his whore over me and stuff like that. It really bothered me. I KNOW all of that, I KNOW he left ME. But that doesn't mean that I instantly stop caring about him. I will always love him. Regardless of what he has done, I don't want anything bad happening to him. And I really have a bad feeling about him and his situation right now.

However, I have NOT texted to check on him. Even though I want to badly just say "Hey, I have been worrying about you. Are you okay?" I won't...thank you again for all of the support and encouragement that I don't get from family and friends. You will never know how much it means to me.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, July 27th (Sunday)

Guess his whore won't pay for it? His wife would have...oh well.

Here's a novel idea.

How about the loser pay for it HIMSELF????

Why would you be proud of the fact that you had to carry his ass financially and would have paid for his phone for him? He obviously can't even afford a phone so he can do without. Too bad, so sad.

Yes, he SHOULD be paying for his own things...however, I don't see how he can do that. I honestly doubt he is "working" like he says he is.

That's because he's too busy PLAYING with the 4 wheeler and teaching his whore how to drive it instead of being PRODUCTIVE and earning a living, and NOT ignoring his own son whose been crying for his father.

This guy is such a friggen mess. I really hope the day comes soon when you can truly see that.

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 7:24 AM, July 27th (Sunday)]


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1975 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, July 27th (Sunday)

I messed up last night and sent him a text that was meant for my friend. I said "He just went to my aunts so I will be over in a bit." All I was doing was going over to help her color her hair but it was about 10. He sent back "Oh thats cool...hope he treats you good." After I told him sorry, I didn't mean to send that to him. He had texted good night to our son at the same time she did and I replied to the wrong text.

His response bothered me. I know it shouldn't because it is obvious that he hasn't cared about me for awhile. But to be si nonchalant when he THOUGHT I was going to see a man? That bothered me. I took my vows seriously, even if he didn't. How could he think I would be so ready and willing to be with someone else, so soon? I haven't even been able to take my rings off! I just don't understand how it has been so damn easy for him.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
cosmicjoke
Member
Member # 39159
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, July 27th (Sunday)

I think you say 'I'm sorry' way too much. Sorry for what? what did you do? He's the one one who really needs to be sorry. By apologizing to him you're only giving him more power. If it was me, I would've been just as non-chalant as him but truthful, just say 'No need for false assumptions here.. that was about (your son), meant to send it to a friend.' And leave it at that. Or, just don't say anything & let him think what he wants... he's too screwed up to make any sense out of anything anyway. Cheaters will always act like you are just as promiscuous as they are, (and sometimes tell other people that without any evidence, which basically amounts to slander).. They just WISH you were, so they can justify what THEY are doing and make it seem OK. That is why whenever a spouse is falsely accusing you of infidelity when you have never acted in such a way and have no history of doing that-- it's a huge red flag that THEY are the ones, in fact, doing it.

Posts: 256 | Registered: May 2013
outtanowhere
Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, July 27th (Sunday)

What cosmic said. I think he did that knowing it would get to you and, it did. You don't owe him anything! He didn't deserve an explanation and all it did was set you back into a tail spin.

He knows exactly how to push your buttons and he needs to be retrained. Resist reacting in the same predictable patterns. Stop trying to prove to him what a good person you are. He knows and he is using it against you. He is toying with your emotions! Are you angry yet?


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 803 | Registered: Apr 2013
Hopetosurvive98
Member
Member # 33842
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, July 28th (Monday)

BBM read the two responses above me. You owe him nothing!!! Who cares what he thinks. Yes, he has many motivations to say what he does-one being he checked out long ago to be with his girlfriend. That was his plan when he disappeared on you awhile back-he had a plan. So yes it makes him feel better thinking you've moved on or it is a passive aggressive power play to make you feel guilty. Either way it doesn't matter. He left you and abandoned his child-a goodnight text amounts to zilch. He should be a man and support his child financially and in every other way but he will not-his choice. He abandoned a child in the past too. So you have a man here who seems to have never really had anyone's best interest in mind but his own. It is who he is, I think you've been seeing him for what he is and I think you are thinking clearer since contact has been restricted. Can you see how the contact sets you back? How it does nothing but hurt you??
I know you worry about him but its time to let him suffer the consequences of his decisions, time for him to not have anyone save his ass. Hopefully nothing bad happens beyond jail time for him but he has made a choice to be an addict and live that lifestyle, again his choice, his consequences. You cannot save him and should not. Focus your energy on yourself and on getting stronger and creating a stable life for your son. Whatever you do do not send him a text-it only reinforces to him that he is still in control, you're still pining away and he still has you as plan B. No contact as it will only hurt you more.
BBM you have come so far! Do not let him slow your progress. Focus on you and your child-keep moving forward. It is is what's best for you both. Post here often-we are all here to support you.


Me: BS 36
Him:WS 36
DDay 9/8/11, 3yr LTA
Her: super classy coworker, 44, involved in many A's including several other coworkers.

Posts: 439 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: The beautiful south
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, July 28th (Monday)

OMG I am fucking fuming right now!! I received a letter saying that I am losing the food stamps that I just applied for due to a decrease in shelter expense. But it was from a different county than I live in. So I called to find out what is going on because I have not had any decreases. They had my address has where my husband is living with his whore! Not my home address. So i texted him to see if he had applied and put me on there. He said he did apply because even working 2 jobs, he is struggling. And I should have my boyfriend buy me some food. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! HE LEFT ME FOR A WHORE AND IS LIVING WITH HER!!! I know he said that because of the text I accidently sent him. And he is struggling?! I had to borrow money for the fucking tooth fairy last night! I didn't have 2 fucking dollars, but he is struggling?!

Of course, stupid me texted back saying that I don't have a boyfriend, I took my vows seriously and haven't even taken my rings off. Stupid. Just give him more power. But then I did send him a text saying maybe his whore girlfriend should buy him some food. Or maybe her parents since they live with them. And that I am not only struggling but going to get sued over his fucking truck. But none of that matters to him, it is all about what he wants and needs!!

Last night was bad and I spent a lot of it crying because of everything. My son texted him and his responses hurt me. Just him saying how much he misses him, stuff like that. My son asked if he was coming home ever and he said he didn't know because we had issues to work out. No, HE has issues. Then this is what I have to deal with today. When does it stop?!

Sorry for the language....I am so mad and upset! I don't know if I should scream or cry!


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
brokenblackbird
Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, July 28th (Monday)

OK, first off, he can't apply for food stamps and have you listed if you aren't living together. You can get this solved at your local office. That shouldn't be too difficult. With 2 jobs and being a single man, he won't qualify for much if anything. However, as a single mother you will.

Is he paying support? If he hasn't started yet, it might be a good idea to head on down to Support Enforcement and get a jump start on that.


Posts: 857 | Registered: Sep 2010
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, July 28th (Monday)

KARMA IS A BITCH!! I just got a phone call that my husbands whore was arrested this morning! She is being held on a $50,000 bond for distribution! Wonder how that will work with him living with her on house arrest?!?

That new life with the fresh start that he had planned with her isn't working out too well for him. It is about time that karma worked in MY favor instead of against me. Maybe it is wrong, but this news makes my day!


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
Freeme
Member
Member # 31946
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, July 28th (Monday)

I'm glad Karma is working against her.

Now don't be his plan B -- It would not be fair to your son to have him come back right now. He needs to be clean, he needs to show remorse via actions, you should not let him back in because he has run out of other options.

Work on getting your food stamps figured out, going to your meetings, spending quality time with your son. Work on 180 hard.


Posts: 272 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Washington DC
WeepingBuddhist
Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, July 28th (Monday)

Keep your head up and please please please don't let him back into your home (or your head!).


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 676 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
Tearsoflove
Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, July 28th (Monday)

I think you need to find out where your local food stamp office is and see if you can get an appointment to speak to someone face to face. This isn't a situation where an online application is going to work, particularly if they are getting conflicting information. They need to understand the full scope of what is going on and that would be best explained in a meeting with someone. I also think your husband applying while living with his whore and her parents may be considered fraud so I'd let them know exactly what he was up to. Guaranteed he put your son on that application as living with him.

Do not concern yourself with your husband's situation right now. He's a grown man. You have a child to care for and that is all that should matter. I understand that you love your husband but he is digging a hole right now and you don't want to get pulled into it.


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4306 | Registered: Sep 2005
Hopetosurvive98
Member
Member # 33842
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, July 28th (Monday)

BBM- I am so sorry for the added stress! I think you can clearly see who he is now-very clearly. He is a fucking liar and a user and abuser PERIOD! He put you down for his food stamps? Hes working two jobs?? Maybe I would have asked him where those two jobs are because you have yet to recieve a dime for your child and youd like to collect on that. No-his job is obviously dealing drugs and he is lucky it wasnt him arrested. He is part of it. Yes, STOP engaging him, stop. Let him spin his useless wheels BBM. He will start throwing glitter at you now because his girlfriend is in the slammer. Now what? He will likely come start telling you what you want to hear (ALL LIES) or going direct to your son. Speaking of that I think the communication is serving to hurt your son too. He is going to lie and further confuse him. He is causing more harm. You need to take charge now of this situation and talk to your son. I would try to control the communication between them too because this is going to to hurt him further-this man is TOXIC. I am so mad for you reading that last post. He has a lot of fucking nerve BBM and I hope and pray you see this man for what he is. He has done nothing for his children-nothing. He is working two jobs he says-get a lawyer like yesterday and get child support! Even though we all know he is lying! Stop right now-this minute texting him, stop it now. Prepare yourself-really prepare yourself for him spewing lies in your direction if the whore gets put away for awhile-if she does he will need someone new to support him. BBM do not be that person! Do not buy into the lies. You will continue to live this sickening cycle forever and your son will be so deeply damaged (I cannot express to you enough just how bad this will damage your son) You need to protect him from this toxic man.
As for the food stamps-get that straightened out with the office. They will fix it. He cannot put you down when not living with you (another fine example of putting his needs before his child! He doesnt care if his son eats, only if he and his whore eat) So that can easily be fixed. BBM you really need to find a way to get to an attorney and start protecting yourself and your son. If he is working they can be sure he is made to support his son and someone needs to make this man responsible for something.
Be strong BBM. You are doing great and today should be another eye opener about this man. Selfish doesnt even begin to describe him.


Me: BS 36
Him:WS 36
DDay 9/8/11, 3yr LTA
Her: super classy coworker, 44, involved in many A's including several other coworkers.

Posts: 439 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: The beautiful south
Hopetosurvive98
Member
Member # 33842
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, July 28th (Monday)

BBM-what tearsoflove said- call that office and meet with someone in person so you can be the one getting the assistance. He can find his own damn way.


Me: BS 36
Him:WS 36
DDay 9/8/11, 3yr LTA
Her: super classy coworker, 44, involved in many A's including several other coworkers.

Posts: 439 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: The beautiful south
Jomarion
Member
Member # 43659
Default  Posted: 5:20 AM, July 29th (Tuesday)

Hi Baseball Mom, just catching up on your posts. Wow, you are really on a roller coaster. I am here supporting you in the UK, your strength and struggle is helping me in my own fight. You are inspiring. Every little bit of finding yourself and that inner peace and confidence you have inside is helping you.

This little story from my life may help you in relation to your son witnessing your distress. Years ago I had a boyfriend from Denmark, where I lived at the time. Denmark is very peaceful, very socially-advanced. Little violence, and it seems sort-of 'perfect' when you first live there. But my boyfriend had an awful time in relationships. Why? He said he had never seen his parents fight, he had never seen turmoil, all the 'perfection' left him very weak and clueless as to how to handle conflict in both personal relationships and socially. He was often suicidal. Denmark has a very high suicide rate.

He said he needed and wished for more distress in his life as a child. Because it would have taught him how to handle it as an adult.

Everyone will have problems in their lives. Your son witnessing your distress and then how you conquer it and survive it is a valuable gift for his later years. Your own courage and fight in the midst of this tornado in your life is giving him tools to survive when he is an adult.

Probably many people would disagree with what I say above. But I have seen with my own eyes some of the strongest, most inspiring and heroic adults have emerged from lives that as children defied all comprehension at how they survived at all.

Your son sounds like he has a very good heart and a very good soul. And he has a mom who obviously loves him very much. It is my belief that years from now this experience will make stronger and more finely-tune that goodness already inherent in him.

I hope what I say is of help.


me:BGF, 54, American immigrant. one son. me and my ex get along great, the most amicable split imaginable!
him:WBF,43, Polish immigrant
together since 2006,
DDay:October28,2009,after his 3 teen kids push him to cheat with OW.
5 betrayed me

Posts: 203 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: UK
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, July 29th (Tuesday)

I agree you need to get your rear to the Social Services office, and ask for a case worker. When you describe your situation, they will get you one, and you can start to get some of the resources available for you and your son.

I would also URGE you to get in touch with food banks, and local charities. These can help you as well. Parish nurses do a great job of helping find resources and help. They don't care what your faith is. But sister they will help.

Glad a little touch of Karma has come down on them.

Hang in there girl. You are strong, capable and will be amazed at yourself in a year.

((((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8913 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, July 29th (Tuesday)

They had my address has where my husband is living with his whore! Not my home address. So i texted him to see if he had applied and put me on there. He said he did apply because even working 2 jobs, he is struggling. And I should have my boyfriend buy me some food.

This guy is such a fucking SCUM-BAG! Now he is STEALING food from your son. If this doesn't flip the switch from love to hate, nothing will.

You need to go to your local office and get this straightened out right now. Then, you need to go straight to the police and report this. He needs to go back to jail too.

BBM,
Although you are doing much better, I am still "hearing" this "hope" that he is going to come back and things will be ok. You seem to be placing much (if not all) of the blame on the OW in this situation.

You need to start thinking farther ahead than "if he would just come home" type thinking. And you have to start thinking with your HEAD rather than with your heart. You have to start being more rational.

You are dealing with a CRIMINAL who is addicted to drugs and alcohol. You are dealing with a person who is actively causing you AND YOUR SON pain and suffering.

File for divorce now. File for child support. And report him for this theft by deception attempt.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8040 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Hopetosurvive98
Member
Member # 33842
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, July 29th (Tuesday)

BBM- I hope you check in today. I also hope you take some of the advise posted yesterday and today as Sadtoo just posted some really valuable things.

You have a zillion reasons to be angry and I hope you are finding that burning inside of you now. What he did was steal food from his own childs mouth to make sure he and his girlfriend had food. Meanwhile they are using and at least she (if not he) is dealing drugs. He has told you in many ways just how much he really cares about his child. He couldn't care less about what happens to his children so long as he has a roof and food and someone to enable him, fund him, and cover his ass.

I agree with Sadtoo above me, I see a huge change in you BBM, I see you getting stronger but I still hear that hope in you that he will come home. I have no doubt he will come home. I wouldnt doubt if he isnt already trying to get plan B back on track now that his whore is in jail. You do have to start thinking with your head. NC has cleared you enough to start to see this man for what he is. If he comes home, if he tells you what you want to hear, if he makes all sorts of promises IT is ONLY because he needs you. Not because of love or desire to change it is only because he needs a place to go and someone to pay the bills. Do not be his doormat and do not teach your son this is how to be treated. He is learning from you how to be in a relationship. Teach him to be strong and be respected and anything less isnt worth his time.

BBM Ive followed your story since day 1 and since that very day your H has felt very familiar to me. I have an uncle that is very much the same as your H except his drug of choice is booze and lots of it. He is many years older then your H and it is like a window into the future of what you can expect from your H should he never be made to stand alone.

I will tell you that my uncle was/is a major alcoholic and started probably in his early 20's. He always found an enabler whether it be his mother, a girlfriend and and later his wife. He'd go to whoever he could manipulate into taking care of him. Hed get drunk and drive and wreck and someone would be there to pick up the pieces and buy him a new car, pay the fines, etc. He never held a job long. Always fired or would quit for some nonsensical reason. He accrued something like 7 DUI's but always had someone save his ass from jail time. He got married and would come and go as he pleased, he cheated and left because the girlfriend was a drunk too so I guess they could party and relate to eachother. She dumped him eventually and he ran back to the wife within a few days (who they now have a small daughter) promising treatment and change, and so very sorry and agreeing he has a problem and will get help, and blah, blah, blah. She took him back hoping and praying to keep her family in tact for their toddler. But the "changed man" didnt last long, only long enough to get comfortable and it was all of 3-4 months before he was back to drinking and cheating and making it her fault. She gathered her courage and divorced him. He never paid a cent for his child and blamed the mom of course. He bounced right back to my grandmother who took car of him and paid his bills and bought him another car, she always felt sorry for him and that he had "bad luck" and that it was always his "bad influence friends" and later "his miserable wife" it was just never his fault.
He went back to my grandmother in 1991 and he still lives with her today. He has gone through probably 50+ more jobs and has now been unemployed for 8 yrs. He has drained my grandmother of every cent of her savings, Still drinks all day every day. Still has never held a job longer then a few months, still blames everyone else for his bad choices and now his addiction is killing him. He has visited his daughter twice since the divorce in 1990 and has never paid support. He now has grandchildren he has never seen. It could have been different had someone forced him to face his consequences and stopped allowing him a soft place to fall.
BBM stop being your WH soft place to fall. You cannot help him-HE MUST help himself, want it for himself, and be forced to stand up and face the consequences of his choices. He needs to be in jail and truly that is what is best for him.
You cant change him, you can change you. You've come a long way. Believe in yourself and believe in a better future for your son. You can do this! Check in and let us know how you are.

[This message edited by Hopetosurvive98 at 11:49 AM, July 29th (Tuesday)]


Me: BS 36
Him:WS 36
DDay 9/8/11, 3yr LTA
Her: super classy coworker, 44, involved in many A's including several other coworkers.

Posts: 439 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: The beautiful south
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)

His whore has already bonded out. She texted me last night telling me not to text him, to leave him alone. I told her that I would text MY husband anytime that I wanted and if she continued to text me I would file harrassment charges, and we both know she doesn't need anymore charges. She says he is happy with her and won't be MY husband for long. I told her that was great, he could pay for the divorce and I would have never texted if he had not applied for food stamps!

She made the front page of our local paper, mug shot and all. She is definitely a classy looking whore, definitely has the doper look. She was one of 21 arrested in a bust. The paper says the investigation had been going on for 2 years. I wonder how he feels about his new life now? Sure doesn't seem like it is off to a very good start. Him on house arrest and her facing more drug charges. Way to improve his life...

Anyway, I have been trying to contact DFS all day and I am just getting a recording that the system is down. I will keep trying. He told me that he is working construction during the day and at KFC in the evenings but he told them at the food stamp app that he is unemployed. Okay, he has to notify his po of his job as part of the house arrest and parole. Does he not think that the DFS would find out he has lied? He may or may not be working, he is such a liar. I would bet he is working with a friend during the day making cash.

I guess I do have hope that he will still want to come home. I want to ask him so bad if he regrets his choices and misses our family, our life. But I know IF he were to come home, it wouldn't be for the right reasons. Not because he wants to fix things, but because he has no choice. I can't put my son through that again. He just doesn't understand. I think he realizes that his Dad is in a bad spot right now. But like me, he misses what we HAD. I think we both always will.

I know within a year, he will be in prison, if not sooner. His whore probably will be too. I realize that this is the person that he has always been. He just couldn't keep up the act any longer. He chose this life over ours. Just like his whore chose drugs over her children. They deserve each other. My child and I WILL BE better off.

I do have an appointment on Friday with a lawyer. Right now, I am being threatened with a lawsuit over his truck. I am going to see if there is anything that can be done to make him take responsibility for that. I am also going to see what my options are regarding divorce and child support. But someone that is already 15 grand behind on one child isn't going to pay for another. He wouldn't have paid what he did through the years if it hadn't been for me.

I don't feel strong at all. But I know what has to be done. I have to face reality. The man I fell in love with, built a family and a home with is dead. My marriage is dead, too.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)

His whore has already bonded out. She texted me last night telling me not to text him, to leave him alone. I told her that I would text MY husband anytime that I wanted and if she continued to text me I would file harrassment charges, and we both know she doesn't need anymore charges. She says he is happy with her and won't be MY husband for long. I told her that was great, he could pay for the divorce and I would have never texted if he had not applied for food stamps!

She made the front page of our local paper, mug shot and all. She is definitely a classy looking whore, definitely has the doper look. She was one of 21 arrested in a bust. The paper says the investigation had been going on for 2 years. I wonder how he feels about his new life now? Sure doesn't seem like it is off to a very good start. Him on house arrest and her facing more drug charges. Way to improve his life...

Anyway, I have been trying to contact DFS all day and I am just getting a recording that the system is down. I will keep trying. He told me that he is working construction during the day and at KFC in the evenings but he told them at the food stamp app that he is unemployed. Okay, he has to notify his po of his job as part of the house arrest and parole. Does he not think that the DFS would find out he has lied? He may or may not be working, he is such a liar. I would bet he is working with a friend during the day making cash.

I guess I do have hope that he will still want to come home. I want to ask him so bad if he regrets his choices and misses our family, our life. But I know IF he were to come home, it wouldn't be for the right reasons. Not because he wants to fix things, but because he has no choice. I can't put my son through that again. He just doesn't understand. I think he realizes that his Dad is in a bad spot right now. But like me, he misses what we HAD. I think we both always will.

I know within a year, he will be in prison, if not sooner. His whore probably will be too. I realize that this is the person that he has always been. He just couldn't keep up the act any longer. He chose this life over ours. Just like his whore chose drugs over her children. They deserve each other. My child and I WILL BE better off.

I do have an appointment on Friday with a lawyer. Right now, I am being threatened with a lawsuit over his truck. I am going to see if there is anything that can be done to make him take responsibility for that. I am also going to see what my options are regarding divorce and child support. But someone that is already 15 grand behind on one child isn't going to pay for another. He wouldn't have paid what he did through the years if it hadn't been for me.

I don't feel strong at all. But I know what has to be done. I have to face reality. The man I fell in love with, built a family and a home with is dead. My marriage is dead, too.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
Red Sox Nation
Member
Member # 26358
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)

I guess I do have hope that he will still want to come home.

Why? You have an out now, completely blame-free.

What makes you think this cycle won't repeat, with a different OW, if he does come back?

I think he realizes that his Dad is in a bad spot right now. But like me, he misses what we HAD. I think we both always will.

Your job is to protect your son, not be his friend.

Using your son as justification for wanting this guy back is not in his best interest.


When someone tells you who she is, listen; when someone shows you who she is, listen carefully.

Posts: 1921 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Midwest
EvenKeel
Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)

I told her that I would text MY husband anytime that I wanted

Do not reply to any texts from her. 'Crickets' are your friend.

I learned long ago that anytime I would do an instant reply text....it was always not a good thing.

If I just let it alone for awhile - I made better judgment calls for my side (and my mental health).

[This message edited by EvenKeel at 1:29 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)]


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2274 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)

Apparently, today the whore and her best friend are slandering me all over Facebook. But they are being smart enough to not actually mention my name. Just saying shit about my marriage, my son and my life. My husband doesn't have Facebook and neither do I. If he is really working, he may not know what they are saying. But I doubt that. I really want to text him and tell him off!! It wouldn't do any good.

God I am so over this immature bullshit! Grow up!! Her friend is pissed because people are sharing the newspaper lunk. Guess what? Not my problem! I don't have Facebook and don't give a damn what people share on their page! I couldn't stop them even if I did still have one.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
Hopetosurvive98
Member
Member # 33842
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)

Let the whore spin her wheels. Do not respond to her but if she mentions your name or sons name on FB have someone take a screenshot for your lawyer. This whore is nothing but a drug addicted, dealer, criminal, low life scum bag and yep a whore to boot. Do not pay her any mind or give her any of your power. She is nothing, a pig (pigs are actually far classier and smarter).
BBM can you change your phone number? I know you said blocking wasnt working for texts so how about a new number? Or get a pay as you go phone and give that number to family and friends and keep other phone off. Have you changed your locks? Im not sure but I think I remember you saying it was your home and not his? If that is the case change the locks.
Good for you going to a lawyer. It is high time to stop this madness and make him take some responsibility for his son as well as the truck issue. He is banking on you living like this and not taking control of this situation. Call his bluff. If he is working as he says he will be ordered to pay support and yes you simply need to really start protecting yourself from these people legally. These are bad people and the sooner you can be out of this situation the better.

Is there an DFS office you can go into and see if you can speak with someone directly? Maybe that will get things moving quicker. As others have said look into all sorts of assistance and see what is available out there.
BBM you have been through the ringer but reality has set in. You have to protect yourself from these two drug addicts and criminals. You see your H clearly now. Time to act and protect that precious child.

BBM one last time-do not engage! Go totally NC on everyone associated with WH and his whore. You are way to good to go get down in the mud with a bunch of pigs. Keep your head up. Stay strong and post here.


Me: BS 36
Him:WS 36
DDay 9/8/11, 3yr LTA
Her: super classy coworker, 44, involved in many A's including several other coworkers.

Posts: 439 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: The beautiful south
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)

I am just so upset and pissed that it has even came to this. I just read everything that she had posted and then IMed to my cousin who is just as livid as me. She is basically saying she posted the things she did because everyone needs to know that I am not perfect and she has seen the texts where he is trying to see his son and I won't let him. Really?! I would love to see those texts myself!!! He hasn't fucking tried but maybe one or two times in almost 3months! And one of those times he was in Florida and the other was Sunday!!

After quite a bit of tongue lashing from my cousin, she did apologize for bringing an innocent child into it and took the post down. But the thing is, it has nothing to do with her!! She is the whores friend! So NONE of this should concern her! Oh and she said people would be surprised if they really knew the circumstances of the whores arrest. No they wouldn't. It was drugs. Everyone knows she is a dopehead. So no one is surprised that she was arrested AGAIN!

I know this is all a little off topic from my cheating husband but I really needed to vent. Because HE caused this. I absolutely hate him right now and I want him to hurt and suffer as bad as we have!

Do they have nothing better to do than sit around and think of ways to hurt me? I did text him and tell him he needed to do something about it because it was none of their business. Maybe, just maybe, he really didn't know it was going on....but I doubt it.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)

Just looked on the local court and arrest website and the whore has 10 felony charges! Including 2 endangering the welfare of children. But I am supposed to allow MY child around her?! Hahahaha I don't think so. My husband definitely traded up when he chose her over his wife and child. The only thing I have ever been in the paper for was homecoming queen! Congrats to him....and to her!


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
Chicky
Member
Member # 18622
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)

WHY are you so concerned about this OW, what she and her friends may or may not be doing on Facebook, what he's doing, the lies he's told, whether or not he is happy or satisfied with his choices, his family's actions, possible prison time, etc. on and on and on? Kind and caring people here had given you post after post after post of excellent advice but your focus is STILL on them. WHY???

This situation will never improve for you or your child until you face the fact that this man is a user and a drug addict. He is not coming back. Given all that he has done, why on earth would you even want him to? Doesn't matter how long he led you to believe he was clean - he isn't now and I suspect he hasn't been for a long time if ever. He is toxic and circling the drain. If you don't get it in gear and put him and his nonsense behind you, he is going to drag you down with him.

I don't mean to sound harsh but you really need to put the focus on your son and his well being.


There's a difference between giving up and knowing when you've had enough.

Posts: 579 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Somewhere Over The Rainbow
outtanowhere
Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)

BBM, its like you are lost in the forest. You cant distinguish one tree from another and can't tell east from west. Its really disorienting and scary. You also have satellite gps shouting directions to you of how to get to safety yet, it's as if you can't hear. Maybe you are just not ready to hear the truth but, it is what it is.

Every single time you engage with these fools, you open yourself up for more hurt. It doesn't matter what they say about you. Anyone who knows you won't believe that stuff and will consider the source of the nonsense.

Shut them out and stop trying to defend yourself against ridiculous accusations. THAT'S NOT WHAT MATTERS! You have just a few more years before your son hits adolescence and everything that is playing out right now WILL impact and shape his future.

Please get yourself together and pay attention to what really matters now. Please teach him that you both deserve to be respected and loved and not that you allow yourself to be dragged down and emotionally beaten up in the name of "love".

[This message edited by outtanowhere at 7:03 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)]


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 803 | Registered: Apr 2013
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)

Yes this is my house, it has been in my family for over 50years. And the locks have been changed, AGAIN. I am going to try to get ahold of someone at the DFS office again tomorrow morning. If I still can't, I will go to the office on Thursday. I have to get the food stamps straightened out. And if he gets in trouble, oh well. I plan on informing them that he says he is working but put on his application that he is not. Feeding my son is more important than him eating. If they are doing meth, they don't need food anyway.

The whole Facebook thing pisses me off because they brought my son into it. They can say what they want about me, but leave him out of it! He is an innocent little boy! They have no right to say anything at all about him! And they sure as hell have no right talking about the way I parent! I will do what is best for him and right now going to visit his Dad is NOT a good idea. Especially while he is living with someone who has already lost her own kids! Even if he wasn't, I need to KNOW he is clean before my child spends anytime with him. So yes, it pisses me off that they have the nerve to talk about me, but him?! I don't think so!!


I did not say anything to them. My cousin did, she handled it much better than I probably would have. I did text him, but only because he is his son, too. Surely he wouldn't want saying anything negative about him. But I don't know, I have been wrong about him before....

I hate him so much right now. I am so mad that he has done this to us! I am finally seeing the real him. I am finally comforyable enough to say that I am done. I am done with all this immature bullshit. He can have his dopehead whore and her friends. I don't want or need his shit anymore.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)

Stop texting him. He is unsafe for your son. He is living with a woman arrested on ten felony counts and has lost her own kids.

He knows all of this..and is choosing her over you and your son.

Stop telling him what his whore is doing..He knows.

He.doesn't.care.

You say you are done. Then file. Tomorrow.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 8111 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Hopetosurvive98
Member
Member # 33842
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)

Good for you BBM, you're mad-now use it. Priority one is protecting your son. Yep that means not visiting with his dad because dad is a meth addict and toxic. Get to that lawyer and get visitation (or lack thereof) figured out and set.

Good for you on the locks-how about the phone number? BBM do not text him anymore, it only hurts you. Let a lawyer deal with this. Do not even text about your son, it's likely he knew they were spewing bs on FB. Let him be and total NC! Do not respond and do not initiate contact. Stop giving a crew of addicts your power. Nobody cares what they say as everyone knows that they are addicts and criminals. Everyone will consider the source. I understand getting upset that these lowlifes talked about your child, I get it! They did it to hurt you and get you upset and get a reaction-stop falling for it. You are too good for it.
Now onward and upward. Get the assistance dealt with and get to that lawyer.
It's ok to vent too and I'm sorry this has been such a shitstorm-you will come out the other side with a better future. Hang in there.


Me: BS 36
Him:WS 36
DDay 9/8/11, 3yr LTA
Her: super classy coworker, 44, involved in many A's including several other coworkers.

Posts: 439 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: The beautiful south
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)

Yes this is my house, it has been in my family for over 50years. And the locks have been changed, AGAIN. I am going to try to get ahold of someone at the DFS office again tomorrow morning. If I still can't, I will go to the office on Thursday. I have to get the food stamps straightened out. And if he gets in trouble, oh well. I plan on informing them that he says he is working but put on his application that he is not. Feeding my son is more important than him eating. If they are doing meth, they don't need food anyway.

The whole Facebook thing pisses me off because they brought my son into it. They can say what they want about me, but leave him out of it! He is an innocent little boy! They have no right to say anything at all about him! And they sure as hell have no right talking about the way I parent! I will do what is best for him and right now going to visit his Dad is NOT a good idea. Especially while he is living with someone who has already lost her own kids! Even if he wasn't, I need to KNOW he is clean before my child spends anytime with him. So yes, it pisses me off that they have the nerve to talk about me, but him?! I don't think so!!


I did not say anything to them. My cousin did, she handled it much better than I probably would have. I did text him, but only because he is his son, too. Surely he wouldn't want saying anything negative about him. But I don't know, I have been wrong about him before....

I hate him so much right now. I am so mad that he has done this to us! I am finally seeing the real him. I am finally comforyable enough to say that I am done. I am done with all this immature bullshit. He can have his dopehead whore and her friends. I don't want or need his shit anymore.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 1:07 AM, July 30th (Wednesday)

She texted me last night telling me not to text him, to leave him alone. I told her that I would text MY husband anytime that I wanted and if she continued to text me I would file harrassment charges, and we both know she doesn't need anymore charges. She says he is happy with her and won't be MY husband for long. I told her that was great, he could pay for the divorce and I would have never texted if he had not applied for food stamps!

All this does is escalate the situation. And frankly, it sounds like you are engaging the OW in some bizarre contest where your POS WS is the prize. Come on!!

Please STOP contacting him. There is NO REASON to contact him. Not even about the food stamps. You could have gotten this information from the authorities. You didn't need to contact him.

Are you going to the attorney just about the truck or are you filing for divorce? Please file for divorce.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8040 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, July 30th (Wednesday)

Hang on to the anger. 8th will help you stay strong and get stronger. It will also help you get shit done.
You are smart, brave, and fierce. Let the momma bear out.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8913 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
EvenKeel
Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, July 30th (Wednesday)

I just read everything that she had posted and then IMed to my cousin who is just as livid as me.

Stop - you are giving this too much power.

You will never stop what she says/writes about you, your life, your son, etc. Nor can you control who reads it and if they believe it or not.

Any attempt will just reward her by giving it attention (thus fueling it more).

You are only hurting yourself by even bothering to read it.

People who really know you...know the truth and they are what matters.


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2274 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, July 30th (Wednesday)

Sadly, it DOES feel like some sort of sick competition and I have lost. I do feel like she won, POS or not. I think that is just my wounded pride.

I am going to see what my options are about filing for divorce. I know in my state, both parents have to attend a parenting course before a divorce is granted. I really don't think he will do that. I was also told that I can make him pay for it. I do not have the money to file so I am hoping that is an option.

He texted last night and was pretty hateful because he checked the satellite bill and it is behind. What does he expect? He said he doesn't have the money to pay it and get this, I am messing up HIS credit! I told him I had already talked to them and it will be paid Thursday, but he needs to try to get it transferred to my name. He said he is going to need a 2nd box for when he gets his own place. Like he csn afford to do that....about his credit....his credit is so messed up from credit cards, student loans, and defaults that he can't get ANYTHING. Before losing his truck, my score was 760. So who is messing up whose credit? I can't believe he even had the nerve to say that to me!

I agree, I am giving them too much power. I am allowing them to continue to win....I don't know how to make those feelings stop. I really am done. I really want this nightmare to be over and for him to be out of my life. I can honestly say I hate him. I have never felt as much hatred and anger toward anyone as I do him and his whore! But at the same time, I DO love him and worry about him. How can I love and hate someone so much, at the same time?


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
Hopetosurvive98
Member
Member # 33842
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, July 30th (Wednesday)

BBM-you texted him again, stop it. STOP IT. I dont care if he texts you first-stop being available to him and stop the interaction now-today. He has a bill in his name and it is unpaid?? FUCK HIM. He is a grown ass adult and can take care of the bill- he can pay it or transfer it into his own damn name. Really stop cleaning up his messes. His bill, his problem.

Yes, file. The sooner you do the sooner this shitstorm is over. Im thinking maybe the parenting classes can be avoided due to the circumstances of the H being a methamphetamine addict and on house arrest (soon?) and living with another addict outside of his marriage. Maybe they will make an exception and decide you can file without that. Def talk to a lawyer about that asap.
BBM you lost nothing. You won your freedom and a chance at a better future for you and your son and she won a lifetime of further addiction, misery-endless misery. He is NO prize. You win.

[This message edited by Hopetosurvive98 at 3:32 PM, July 30th (Wednesday)]


Me: BS 36
Him:WS 36
DDay 9/8/11, 3yr LTA
Her: super classy coworker, 44, involved in many A's including several other coworkers.

Posts: 439 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: The beautiful south
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, July 30th (Wednesday)

Please read Hope's post again and again.
It is spot on.

You my dear have won. He has lost, and lost badly. He's just too f'd up to know it.

Now get your ass to a womens shelter and get some help with filing. If they can't help then google pro bono lawyers in your area (by zip code or county).


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8913 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, July 31st (Thursday)

Day #2- Back on the No Contact wagon....I can do this, I did before. Still nothing new on the food stamp issue. I am going to try to talk to a caseworker in person tomorrow after I see the lawyer.

I realize that I am winning in this situation. My husband has nothing right now. He never will, he will never have a decent job or home. He is on a downward spiral. I can't and won't let him take us down with him. Knowing this, doesn't make me miss what I THOUGHT we had, or the husband I THOUGHT I had any less....but like I have said before, that man is dead. If he ever existed....I am realizing now that THIS is the REAL him. He put on one helluva act for all of these years and he just couldn't do that any longer. A leopard doesn't change their spots, they just camoflauge them.

He has what he wants and deserves. They deserve each other. My son and I deserve better. I get that.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, July 31st (Thursday)

Oh BBM I am so proud of you!!!!!

Seriously sister you are making strides to healing. Yah your broke, yah the next bit is going to be hard, but ultimately you are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Use that to give you strength, and it will get bigger and brighter.

You are going to be ok. You are going to be strong. You will never ever let another man abuse, hurt, or cause you pain ever again.

((((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8913 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Hopetosurvive98
Member
Member # 33842
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, July 31st (Thursday)

Good for you!!! Stay strong, you CAN do this. You know just who and what you're dealing with. Do not buy into the drama-hold strong and think only of a better, healthier, more positive future for yourself and your son. It will be hard to go through this process but on the other side lies peace and the possibilities are endless.
You are doing great, just keep it up and always remember no contact, crickets, silence. Do not interact or engage! Come here instead. Get to that lawyer !


Me: BS 36
Him:WS 36
DDay 9/8/11, 3yr LTA
Her: super classy coworker, 44, involved in many A's including several other coworkers.

Posts: 439 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: The beautiful south
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, July 31st (Thursday)

I have come to realize that is going to be hard for a long time...but there nothing I can do to change that. I should have realized sooner what I was dealing with and maybe it wouldn't have ever gotten to this point...I don't know. So many woulda/shoulda/coulda's but I can't change them now.

You are so right, Tushnurse, I will never let ANYONE hurt me this way again. This has been the worst hurt and pain of my life. Who knew that you could actually feel your heart breaking?

As long as he isn't contacting me, I am strong. I seem to lose that when he does. But I am going to use your advice, Hope, and listen to the crickets. He needs to know that I am not at his beck and call anymore.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
outtanowhere
Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, July 31st (Thursday)

High five BBM!!! I hope you sit with this feeling for a while and let it sink in. You are going to have to be determined because it ain't over til it's over. That being said, I have a hunch that once he sees that you are coming out of the spell he had you under, he's gonna try to maneuver back into a position of power with you.

Plot your course and watch your compass. Don't let him deter you from what you know you need to do...whatever that is. Until he is clean and sober, he doesn't get a say anymore...even with your son. He gave up rights to have a say when he abandoned him.

Reading your posts yesterday, I was reminded of something my mom told me when I was little. When people talk smack about you, they are showing their ignorance. When you engage, it drops you down to their level. When you go dark, it will drive them crazy wondering what you are up to. That always makes the rebel in me laugh!

[This message edited by outtanowhere at 4:06 PM, July 31st (Thursday)]


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 803 | Registered: Apr 2013
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, July 31st (Thursday)

I wish I had ignored her when she texted! And I wish I hadn't texted him about the Facebook posts. He was more concerned with me messing up his credit than what they were saying about his child. Big surprise there, right?!

The last thing that I ever want to do is sink down to their level of ignorance!

I have no doubts that he will try SOMETHING when he realizes he is losing power. Especially with the threat of jail time hanging over his whores head. He will need somewhere to go, someone to pick up the pieces. I am done being that person, his doormat. Let someone else do it...maybe he should try to take care of himself, for a change.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
k8la
Member
Member # 38408
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, July 31st (Thursday)

Don't pay the cable bill until the food situation is fixed.

Posts: 174 | Registered: Feb 2013
Hopetosurvive98
Member
Member # 33842
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, August 1st (Friday)

BBM- I love your last post. You sound strong and focused. So proud of you! You see clearly how the communication with the whore and you WH hurt you, set you back, and confuses you. It does nothing positive for you. That's why I stated not to get down in the mud with pigs. Just like another wise poster said-engaging them only brings you way down to their level (subhuman). No more.

Oh yes BBM you know this man and be prepared because I'm sure he has more for you. He will rear his head again when he sees Plan B won't be intimidated or manipulated back into line as he believes. I think he believes he always has you as backup and has several tactics to attempt to achieve it. Prepare for declarations of love and change and such horseshit, prepare for glitter and unicorns. Also when it doesn't work prepare for more ugliness and attempts to blame you, demean you, etc. all pure bullshit coming from a drug addict desperate to get his ass covered and get himself comfy again. It will come at some point. Right now he's got a roof over him someone else pays for, food to eat thanks to his fraudulent lie, a girlfriend who shares his interests ( drugs, mooching, child abandonment) a few recreational vehicles to enjoy that you bought, a truck to drive (I believe) that you also are paying for, oh and bills that he expects you to pay! Oh he's quite content. Wait til the meth princess gets put away. I doubt her parents will continue to house him (might be wrong as they are obviously a mess if they allow these two to shack up in their home). We all know the man isn't going to get a job and work and get an apartment and pay his own way. Nope. He's going to see if he can manipulate you into being his soft place to fall. Prepare. Yourself. Now. You won't do this to yourself and you child again. Break the cycle. Time for him to pull on his big boy pants and have an actions meet consequences experience.

Lawyer today? You have several priorities there to discuss. Divorce-get this process started. Make sure the lawyer knows the circumstances-all of them. I'm sure you can get a speedier D bc of them. Child custody/visitation. Again the circumstances because WH should have zero visitation until he is clean and living away from his whore, etc. Child support-he's working he is paying. The truck.
Then get down to the office and tell them what your WH did with the food stamps. Get that straightened out.

Proud of you BBM- your doing great and have come along way.

[This message edited by Hopetosurvive98 at 6:54 AM, August 1st (Friday)]


Me: BS 36
Him:WS 36
DDay 9/8/11, 3yr LTA
Her: super classy coworker, 44, involved in many A's including several other coworkers.

Posts: 439 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: The beautiful south
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, August 1st (Friday)

Hey BBM I hope you are having a wonderful day, and enjoying this awesome Midwest weather we are having.
Do something nice with your bad self today, Stand tall, believe you are strong, and be proud.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8913 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, August 1st (Friday)

Good news and bad news, I guess. I went to the lawyer today and had to pay $250. They will not file until all $800 is paid. So that is disappointing but I can make payments. My dad paid today. We do have to do the parenting classes before a divorce will be finalized. He will drag his feet because that is something we have to pay for also. I don't know how it would work with house arrest either. All together, if he wants to fight me, this could be very expensive. I really think he will fight and argue about everything, especially custody. As of right now though, he has no rights to our son. That is why I had to pay $250, I basically just stated that he was in my custody and he has not seen him in over 2 months. This way he isn't able to pick him up from school or anywhere else for that matter. So that gives me a little peace....

Bad news...they can try to make him pay part on the truck that was repoessed because of him but because the loan was in my name alone, I will be the one getting sued. So I am basically out of luck there....

I am enjoying the weather now...I am waiting in line for a monster truck show with my son. Something his dad should be doing with us. Times like now, I really miss my family.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
outtanowhere
Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, August 1st (Friday)

I would be worried if you didn't miss that feeling. I hope you two enjoy the show and just have fun! You both deserve a break from the pain!


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 803 | Registered: Apr 2013
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 11:39 PM, August 1st (Friday)

He called tonight while we were watching the monster trucks. I didn't answer!!! I wanted to, but I had 2 friends that wouldn't let me. Declining that call actually felt good!

The message he left was about 5 minutes of silence...so he probably accidently, on purpose dialed me. He has done that before.

I had a good time with my son, without him. I actually rode some rides. I laughed. Really laughed! I don't know when I did that last!


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
Freeme
Member
Member # 31946
Default  Posted: 6:17 AM, August 2nd (Saturday)

So proud of you for ignoring the call. You do realize that if you had answered it - he would have said something stupid, you would have felt hurt, and the rest of the Monster Track Rally would have been spent being frustrated --- instead you had a wonderful time.

Posts: 272 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Washington DC
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, August 2nd (Saturday)

Good for you.
I hope you realize those friends are doing anything they can to help you. They are also willing to do more. So let them. Rely in friends and family to help you get your legs and strength back. You will and then the world better look out!!!

Keep on kkeeping on.
((((And strength)))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8913 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, August 2nd (Saturday)

Oh if I had answered, he would have most definitely ruined the night for me, in turn ruining it for our son. We both needed to have some fun and not think about this nightmare. The more I think about it though, the more I think it was another buttdialing. If not, he would have texted or actually left a message. Accident or not, I don't know. But since he hasn't texted me and I haven't him, my name or number shouldn't have been easily dialed. I do believe he accidently, on purpose, dialed one other time so that I would hear his conversation.

Friday came and went without him texting to see our son, like he promised him. He was supposed to have "free time" on his bracelet on Wednsday and Friday and told him he was going to see him. Of course, I knew better. And that was when I decided to not let my son text anymore. I am not going to pick up the pieces after he outright lies to him anymore. I do not have to let him see him, after talking to the lawyer, I know that now. I was unsure before.

I couldn't talk to anyone about the food stamp issue, caseworkers are not available on Friday. So I will be trying again on Monday. That is a huge stressor, right now.

That and school clothes. Ugh. My son has a birthday coming up, too. I am really worried about it. It will be his 10th and his first without his Dad.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
Hopetosurvive98
Member
Member # 33842
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, August 2nd (Saturday)

BBM-I am proud of you! I hope you feel proud too. Butt dial or intentional it doesn't matter because you ignored and felt empowered. You had fun and you laughed. Had you answered it would have ruined your night. You are making huge strides every single day.
I fully agree with stopping the texting between your son an WH. He is getting hurt through WHs empty words. Protecting him from that is a good idea. Your WH cannot be a father right now and who knows if ever-hopefully one day. Anyhow good idea in ending the text exchanges.
I know your stressed right now, only deal with what is in front of you right now, try not to let it overwhelm you. One day at a time. Food stamps Monday and then move on to preparation for school and birthday. Maybe family and friends might help? If so let them it's ok to accept help. Things will get better and better. I'm so glad you laughed and had fun. BBM it is going to get better and you will see how strong you've become. You are a strong woman and a great mom. So much progress-be proud.


Me: BS 36
Him:WS 36
DDay 9/8/11, 3yr LTA
Her: super classy coworker, 44, involved in many A's including several other coworkers.

Posts: 439 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: The beautiful south
Schadenfreude
Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, August 3rd (Sunday)

You have made giant strides since you first started posting here. Remember that abandoned woman who was hoping and praying at her WH would at least text her? Imagine if you hadn't been strong enough to pull yourself up away from that dependent situation. Now your concerns are far more practical and more importantly about getting on with your life and your son's life.

I hope others following in your footsteps can keep,up with your progress.

And I think I noted you posting to some other bread where another needed help. I hop she finds this thread and sees that despite despair and longing, you can detach and improve your life. How much better are you sleeping now? Interacting with others?


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, August 3rd (Sunday)

Thank you! I have noticed a lot of progress from 2 months ago until now, but I still have A LOT of way to go! Nights are still very hard for me, I don't sleep much.

I honestly never thought I would ever feel better about my situation. But I see now, that I will be better off eventually. I had ignored so many warning signs because I wanted my family.

I feel the difference in myself and I see the difference in my son. He missses his Dad but I really think he feels some relief to. Hopefully one day, he can be the father my son deserves. But if not, he still has my Dad and Step Dad. They have never let him, or me, down. And they will never walk away, no matter how hard things get.

As for school supplies and his birthday, my parents will come through...like they always do. We are going to get stuff this week. I have a great support group, even when I don't agree with them. I know that it could always be worse...of course, 2 months ago, I didn't believe that. I thought it was the end of the world. I hope others realize that it WILL get better, that isn't just something people say.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, August 4th (Monday)

Last night was a little rough for my son. He was crying pretty hard for his dad. I told him that his dad could not come home like this and I kind of explained that if he did, my sin could possibly get taken away. He understands that a little because he has a friend at school who is in foster care. I didn't want to do that, but I am out of explainations. He accepted that, for now.....but he still misses him.

I told him that right now, it just isn't safe for him to live with us. And I love him more than I could ever love his dad, and I was choosing to keep him safe. I don't know if I did the right thing or not. I hate this for him!!


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, August 4th (Monday)

You didn't lie to him. Your STBX is an active addict, who only stopped using after he was rearrested. He is living with a whore who has been arrested on..what? 10 felony counts? AND she no longer has custody of her own kids.

You told him the truth. If your STBX were to come home, he could very well still be using and bring drugs into your home...which puts your child at risk of being removed.

Stay strong, mama. You've got this.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 8111 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Hopetosurvive98
Member
Member # 33842
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, August 4th (Monday)

BBM-I loved your post from the weekend. You sound strong and empowered, you have worked so hard to find that strength and I hope you are so proud of your progress.

I am very sorry that your son is hurting. I am a mom to 3 small children and after my DDay it was so hard explaining to my oldest why daddy was not home. I truly know how hard that is to explain to them even though our situations are different.

You did not lie to him at all. Sadly, he has to be told in the gentlest way possible that his dad simply cannot come home. He doesnt need all the gory details but he does need to know that his dad is not coming home. Minimize confusion for him. BBM would it be possible to tell the school and have one of the school counselors talk to him once or twice a week? I was thinking of when I was in school my girlfriend went through a very tragic family event and the counselors talked to her a few times per week and that gave her some guidance and an outlet. I wonder if this would be a good idea? Just keep talking with him and allowing him to be open about how he is feeling. Teaching him it is ok to be sad and cry and talk about these feelings. It will be bumpy for awhile for him but having a solid, healthy parent who is there to guide and protect him will keep him safe. His father and his horrific choices are an absolute danger. As the above poster said-you've got this BBM. You are an awesome mom and a strong woman. You are doing great and I am sorry that your sweet son is hurting.


Me: BS 36
Him:WS 36
DDay 9/8/11, 3yr LTA
Her: super classy coworker, 44, involved in many A's including several other coworkers.

Posts: 439 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: The beautiful south
GonnaGetThru
Member
Member # 38817
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, August 4th (Monday)

I just read through the posts here and just wanted to say how proud I am to see you getting so much stronger! I too have dealt with my husband's addiction and other family members as well. It's tough letting go but I promise you, the strength you will find in yourself is amazing. You are giving your son a really good lesson in dignity, strength and self esteem. :) I was going to say too, be kind to yourself in this process. After he goes to sleep, use that time to do something nice for yourself. Paint your nails, read, write, whatever you enjoy. Allow yourself some time for YOU. When I was separated, it helped me sleep better having a relaxation routine like that each night, too. You can do this! *hugs*

Oh, I forgot to ask, have you had any luck with the food stamp situation? I don't know what the process is like where you are but here, there's a waiting period after you apply. However, once I told them my situation (H left and I'm a SAHM) they had me apply for Emergency food stamps, which I had in 2 or 3 days. They did Medicaid application as well, and they were able to do the child support order too. Also, there could be some help through your son's school once it starts up. My daughter's school does a program thru one of the churches and we would get a bag of food once a week. Good luck!

[This message edited by GonnaGetThru at 2:35 PM, August 4th (Monday)]


BW (me): 30
WH (him): 31
Taking R one day at a time

"Every decision you make indicates what you believe you are worth."


Posts: 116 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: North Carolina
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, August 4th (Monday)

I spoke to a caseworker today and had to fill out a form stating that he is not living with us and that I have never lived at the address that they have down for me. I also let them know that he claims to be working, even though he was supposed to have told them he was unemployed. They said they are behind so it could take up to a month to get it straightened out.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
brokenblackbird
Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, August 4th (Monday)

That seems weird. Did you apply for emergency food stamps? Because you have your son with you, he is a single person. Your son requires to be fed, etc.

When can you expect to get food stamps?


Posts: 857 | Registered: Sep 2010
JustWow
Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 5:36 PM, August 4th (Monday)

while you're waiting to get the food stamps straightened out-

http://www.211.org/ - United way searchable database for resources by zip code

http://www.pantrynet.org - national food bank directory by zip code


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3655 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, August 4th (Monday)

I was already approved for them and got one month of the exoediated stamps. I will get more on the 12th but if they don't get them straightened out, I will not get any after that. I am hoping it will be taken care of by then. It is all very aggravating because it seems like I am getting the run around. I feel like they think I am trying to cheat them or something when HE is doing that! I am just trying to straighten out his mess, like always!

School will be starting soon and I have already thought about talking to the counselor and setting up something for him. I think he needs to talk to someone other than me about his feelings. It is very confusing for him. Hell, it is confusing for me!

His whore made the newspaper again today. All of her charges were listed, she went to court on Thursday and was arraigned. Whatever that means...it says she goes back on August 21st. That is also our sons birthday so I bet he is more worried about her than him. Just a guess...


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
abbycadabby
Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, August 5th (Tuesday)

Hey- Aug 21st is my birthday too!

BBM- you are being so strong and so brave. I'm amazed at how far you've come. You are SO doing the right things, even though it is likely very hard for you to do at times. Keep taking care of your precious son, keep reassuring him that he is loved. You're doing great!

(((BBM and DS)))


Posts: 1324 | Registered: Feb 2010
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, August 5th (Tuesday)

OMG. My idiot husband sent me another text today about the stupid satellite. Unfortunately, my son had my phone so now he knows his phone is on. He immediately begged to text him, so I let him. Instead of texting him back, he continued to text and bitch at me. He did say he HAS to move out. Bwahahahaha (that is my evil laugh, btw!) Darn, I just hate that for him...I don't know why he is so concerned with having tv when he gets his own place, not like he will be able to pay for it.

Anyway, it just proves to me, once again, that he only cares about himself. His son texting him after a week of not hearing from him doesn't even matter. I hate him.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
Hopetosurvive98
Member
Member # 33842
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, August 5th (Tuesday)

BBM I love your newfound strength! You've got this for sure. I'm sorry your son had your phone when he texted you, i wish you could change your number, that woukd eliminate that risk. Yep, it's ALL about him. Poor guy needs his tv-selfish, selfish, sick and selfish. Answer him with crickets. Tells you alot about what kind of man he is when he cares more about his tv rant then to answer his son. Really sickening.

Prepare for when he has to move because that might be when starts bargaining with you. You've come way too far to fall back now. He is going to meet some consequences soon as it sounds like his little love nest is being taken away, the girlfriend might do jail time, and is apparently also going to not only have no TV but nobody to cushion his fall.

Keep up the hardwork-you are doing awesome. Be kind to yourself as another poster said, be sure to take some time to yourself. You've come so far!


Me: BS 36
Him:WS 36
DDay 9/8/11, 3yr LTA
Her: super classy coworker, 44, involved in many A's including several other coworkers.

Posts: 439 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: The beautiful south
hardtimesinlife
Member
Member # 10468
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, August 5th (Tuesday)

I just read this whole thread. Wow. It's good to see you come so far.

Is it possible for your son and his dad to email? That way your son will not read anything inappropriate. Also your number will not be texting your H's cell. It will help with the NC.

Try turning your thoughts whenever they go to your H. Do something else - anything else. Just getting some distance will give you so much clarity, I promise. Clarity. that is what you need more of. WH is not an addition to your life, he is a negative force pulling you under. His OW is as low as they come. Try your best to stop giving them head space.

I do think that telling your son that his safety is the reason his dad isn't coming home could backfire. Why? Because he will feel guilty and responsible if his dad is unemployed, sad, lonely, cold, hungry, etc. You get what I'm saying. I would also hate for your son to worry about being taken away from you. You might try just saying that his dad is sick from his drug and alcohol addiction and he isn't fit to be a daddy or a husband right now. You don't know if he ever will be but you hope he gets himself some help. I am sure this is the hardest thing you'll ever have to do in your life. It sucks but you are gonna rock it!

I remember a group called AlaTeen when I was younger. I don't know if there is anything like it now but it was where young people gathered to talk about their parents who were alcoholics and where you didn't feel so alone. I'm sure the internet can give you lots of avenues and ideas. Maybe there is even a site geared toward young people with drug addicted parents, IDK.

Hugs. You are doing great.


Ddays 2004 & 2007
I cut my losses mid 2013
Feeling happier every day :)

Posts: 6187 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Florida
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, August 6th (Wednesday)

I agree with giving your son an Email address to email back and forth with dad. He shouldn't be on your phone, he already has been exposed to so much.
You are doing such an awesome job now, and I see you getting stronger each day. Stick to that, you know you will come out on the other side a stronger more amazing person that you already are.

(((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8913 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 10:48 AM, August 6th (Wednesday)

He was playing games on my phone when the bastard texted. He hasn't texted in over a week so I didn't think he would be. My H barely has a phone, much less a computer to email from.

We went to check the mail today and he was at his dads garage. My son said "I guess he has free time on his arrest. I wish we could stop." I hate that he knows what "free time" is.
I am worried constantly that I am saying the wrong thing to my son. Or doing the wrong thing for him. I don't want his childhood ruined.

I honestly think my H was testing the waters yesterday with his text about moving. I don't know, I could be wrong but I know that there is no way in hell he will be able to afford his own place. He is working at a local KFC, but very little.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, August 6th (Wednesday)

You will never go wrong by be loving, supportive and honest with your son. Yes it sucks, but the truth of the situation is that your H has chosen this path, all you will do by trying to decrease the ugliness in it is make him have less trust in you.

I get what you are saying about not having a computer to email. My only suggestion is to not let him have your phone at all, and if he wants to talk to dad, you call dad, and when he answers, and you have confirmed with a couple of very straight forward questions that he isn't drugged out of his mind, then hand the phone to your son.

You keep on taking care of the two of you. The rest will come in it's own time.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8913 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Freeme
Member
Member # 31946
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, August 6th (Wednesday)

I honestly think my H was testing the waters yesterday with his text about moving.

I agree - because of this I would not be putting him in touch with your son right now. You don't want to be in a situation where he begs to come home via your son.


Posts: 272 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Washington DC
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, August 6th (Wednesday)

Well he is really been on a roll this afternoon. I really want to be strong and ignore him when he starts....but I just can't. Stupidity on my part, I know.

Today, the 1st text was "I really wish I could see MY son." That really went through me. He hasn't even tried!! I was nice and informed him that HE could (knowing he really doesn't want to, and that just looks good on my part.) but he is NOT going to be around HER. So then he got ignorant and said "yea I wouldn't either, we will probably be smoking meth eitj him". I told him that I was trying ti have an adult conversation with him but if he was going to be ignorant, I was done. Apparently, everyone is telling him how bad he mssed up and how bad she is for him. He is tired of hearing it. Not my problem, I am only concerned with my child.

He lied about driving and had the nerve to ask me if I would come get him so he could see our son. Haha fuck no. Again, I was nice and told him to have his whore (okay, maybe not so nice....)drop him off. I know he has been driving, I have seen him and so have my family members. But that is a convenient excuse NOT to see him.

Even though I broke NC with him, I did good and kept it about my son. No emotions. That has to count for something, right? I think I will start hearing more from him now. He is starting to stress and worry. Reality is setting in.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
Hopetosurvive98
Member
Member # 33842
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, August 6th (Wednesday)

BBM I agree with freeme. I wouldn't put it past your WH to attempt to get home via pulling your sons heart strings. That would be very bad and very hurtful as well as place you in a terrible position. Be prepared for him to continue to test the waters and stand strong and hold your course.

I understand your worries about your son and his childhood. It is a very tough situation but being a strong, loving, supportive parent is all we can do. You are protecting him from a very complex and potentially dangerous situation. You are doing great and are a great mom.

Edited to add bc I just read your last response....
Ok, keep that text talking about smoking meth with your son. Yea he might be "joking" but it's a sick joke and he's really sick to say it. Also he is baiting you about visiting his son. He has not tried not cared to try all along-now that he's losing his love nest he is using your son as an excuse for contact. Be prepared BBM! Now you really have to be strong because you will be faced with him starting to manipulate your emotions or worse, your sons to get home. He will lie to get his ass saved. It will all be pure, genuine bs. Be prepared now.

He is dangerous to your childs emotional well being. He should not get anyone to drop him off. He should have no visits with your child until he is taking clean drug tests. Him coming around will only serve to confuse and hurt your son and its all strategic. I don't believe for one second all the sudden he misses his child, I think he all the sudden is worried about himself as his current situation is changing. Easiest way to get home? Via your son. Be very careful here and be very prepared BBM. He's shown you who he is believe him. You can do this....and please go back to NC.

[This message edited by Hopetosurvive98 at 7:13 PM, August 6th (Wednesday)]


Me: BS 36
Him:WS 36
DDay 9/8/11, 3yr LTA
Her: super classy coworker, 44, involved in many A's including several other coworkers.

Posts: 439 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: The beautiful south
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 10:08 PM, August 6th (Wednesday)

Oh trust me, he will NOT be around my son anytime soon. I just said that so I looked good. LOL! That way, if it came right down to it, I have the texts showing that I have NOT kept him away from him. I have given him numerous chances to see him. You are so right, he has not really tried to see him in almost 3 months now. He barely even texts to check on him! Only when it is convenient for him!

I do look for him to try to come home. But this is NOT his home anymore. HE chose to leave his home, HE chose to walk away from his family. He should have made better choices. HE chose ALL of this. Now HE can figure out how to fix it, not me. I have fixed his messes long enough.

Does he really think I am THAT stupid?! That I will just say "oh honey, now that you can't live with your whore, please come home?" Um no. I may be naive, and I have believed so many lies for so long, I guess he probably does think I am. Bad news for him, I have opened my eyes and I see him for what he really is.....a lying, cheating, alcoholic, dopehead bastard.

Again, sorry for the language...I really don't talk like that, nirmally. He just makes me so mad!!!


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
outtanowhere
Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 11:45 PM, August 6th (Wednesday)

So what BBM? So what if you keep him from seeing your son? That's what any good mother protecting her child would do because HE IS NOT SAFE!!!

This man is a user, a manipulator and an adulterer. Where does it say you should expose your child to that just because he has the same DNA? It doesn't! God blessed you with motherly instincts so keep using them. I would not for one minute allow any contact at this point. It will only serve to further advance your WH's manipulation tactics and cause more pain for your son when he realizes his dad didn't really care about him like he professes.

Hold firm honey! This is war and it can get brutal!


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 803 | Registered: Apr 2013
Freeme
Member
Member # 31946
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, August 7th (Thursday)

Does you WH have a key to the house? I'd change the locks if you can.

I believe his plan is to use you as a Plan B when he runs out of other options and gets a ride. That he will move back in without asking. Just show up.

The easiest way to prepare would be to chance the locks and not let him in. Then call the police if he get abusive.


Posts: 272 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Washington DC
Hopetosurvive98
Member
Member # 33842
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, August 7th (Thursday)

You should be mad, downright pissed! Yes, I do think he thinks he can get you to let him come home. He has had you where hes wanted you for so long. He is used to his codependent wife cleaning up his messes, paying his bills, and putting up with his shit. To him if he says the right words he can find a way home and I really believe he will USE your son to achieve his goals. I believe that is what the latest text was about.
Do not be surprised if he texts to tell your son how sorry he is and that he wants to come home. How will you handle that? You need to find an alternative to your son having your phone to play games on. Not sure of all of the alternatives that might not be too pricey. It would be very bad if your WH did that to your son as your son is vulnerable right now and it would further confuse and hurt him. If he had one bit of love and respect for his child he would stop this nonsense. The fact that he has had zero interest in even if his son has food to eat and now wants to see him is so very telling. The man is so selfish it is sickening-pretty much evil.
You need to play defense on this and prevent that possible contact from happening. Son either cannot have phone, get a new number so WH cannot text, or find a way to block texts. Im not sure if someone knows how to do that or if you can call the store that sold you the phone and ask them if there is anyway to block incoming texts. Maybe go down to investigative tips and see if someone has that knowledge.
As poster above mentioned who cares if he gets upset because you are preventing him from visiting his son?? Do not worry about that! You already talked to a lawyer (trying to retain soon I hope)and he told you that you do not have to give him visitation, so you know you are perfectly safe keeping WH away. There is not court anywhere that is going to punish you for keeping your child away from a meth addict who is shacked up with a drug dealing meth addict. I think it would be just the opposite. You are simply keeping your son physically and emotionally safe from toxic and very sick people. I still cannot get over his text about smoking meth with your son. Wow. Just wow. Keep that.

As above poster stated this is a war and it can get ugly. I think you are reaching a point in this where it is going to start to amp up. I think him losing his basement meth house is going to ramp him up to seek you back out, and just wait until the girlfriend gets put away. You sound very strong and very firm-a far cry from the first few pages of this thread. You have come so far and what you are doing will preserve your sons childhood and it will give you both the opportunity for a bright and happy future. If that man comes home it will be unending misery because he is not going to change until he is forced to stand alone and face consequences. You're right it just isnt his home anymore and I guess he needs to start pulling in more hours at the KFC and afford his own place like a grownup.
BBM what are your plans for D? I know you have to make payments to file. How is it going to be communicated to WH that he needs to attend these parenting classes? Did the attorney tell you what might happen if he refuses to attend? I am worried how he is going to drag his feet on this. You need a D like yesterday so you can fully unchain from this situation. I am still mind boggled that him living with another women-a felon-and being an active meth addict does not allow for a speedier more streamlined D. Here in my state if one spouse is an addict, unfaithful, abusive, or abandons the other spouse, you get to forgo the waiting period and get a speedy divorce. I am surprised that the circumstances you are in are not allowing for that. You need out of this nightmare asap.
Anyhow, stay strong, keep posting, you are doing great.


Me: BS 36
Him:WS 36
DDay 9/8/11, 3yr LTA
Her: super classy coworker, 44, involved in many A's including several other coworkers.

Posts: 439 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: The beautiful south
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, August 7th (Thursday)

BBM YOU are becoming so strong. You are doing well.
It's good you kept the texts to issues with your son. You did well to not let it devolve into name calling, and all the other nonsense.

Keep your head up. You are strong, your are Fierce, and you will make it through this.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8913 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, August 7th (Thursday)

Today has been really hard for me. I haven't cried this much in awhile. I know it is because he is contacting me. He hasn't today...but I just really miss my husband. I miss what I thought we had. I know it is still fairly new and I am sure these emotions are normal. I can't remember NOT being with him. He is a and has always been a large part of my life. I will be okay though...I just really want to text that stupid whore and him and say "So how is that new life treating you? He doesn't seem to happy with you now! Seems like he is regretting his choices!" But I won't....

My lawyer did tell me that any time he contacts me about seeing our son, to just be nice. Because if it comes down to a custody fight, and I am sure he will try, it will look good on me that I didn't come right out and say "NO, you can't see him." But she said if he persists and does try, I have the paperwork ready if needed.

Freeme-The locks were changed soon after he left the 2nd time. So no, he can not come into the house. However, because he is on house arrest, I have to approve it anyway. He can't just pick where he wants to go. So that works in my favor.

I know that he has no interest in seeing our son. He hasn't legitimately tried...he is only trying to cover his own ass. And make himself look good and me look bad. Hahaha, good luck there.

My lawyer said once half is paid down, she will draft up a letter to send to him. She will let him know of the cost of the classes and that he must attend. I know that he won't. She said there are ways around it, but he has to be given ample time to attempt to go. She also said that he will be given time to attend the classes even though he is on house arrest. I look for him to use that as an excuse as why he can't go. She said he will not receive any kind of visitation until the classes are completed though. I am also getting in there that he will only receive supervised visits, by someone of MY choosing, until he passes so many random drug tests. This is definitely going to turn ugly.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
Hopetosurvive98
Member
Member # 33842
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, August 7th (Thursday)

(((((BBM))))) I'm sorry today is so hard. Be gentle on yourself, this is not easy on anyone and your situation has a few more layers to it. It just isn't easy and it truly sucks for lack of a better term. It's ok to have times like this where you need to let the tears go. I always escaped to my shower to cry, that was my place to let it out then compose myself and go back to being mom. Just remember its ok to feel the hurt sometimes.

BBM you have talked to the lawyer and I'm glad to hear a plan is in place. I know it's hard and you miss what you thought you had. You have been so strong and you're right the contact is bringing so much hurt. Without the engagement you are so much stronger, it's why we say no contact equals no new hurts. He only has made contact for purely selfish reasons. It isn't about regrets, or remorse, or love of you or his son, it's not even shame. It's purely the fact that he knows he will need a place to go soon. He's got to line that up. I know you have come so far, also I know right now you are feeling vulnerable too. Now is the time to prepare and be strong BBM because you know what's around the bend-he needs a place to go. It cannot be you or you'll have set yourself up for more of the same. Do not ever except being plan b and do not show your son that is his value. You ARE the prize. You are an amazing woman and deserve far more. Hold your course and stay determined and strong.
You've got this BBM. I'm so sorry today has been painful.


Me: BS 36
Him:WS 36
DDay 9/8/11, 3yr LTA
Her: super classy coworker, 44, involved in many A's including several other coworkers.

Posts: 439 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: The beautiful south
WeepingBuddhist
Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, August 8th (Friday)

BBM, I know it's taking a huge toll on you to have him keep contacting you but you've been in touch with a lawyer and (I hope) connecting with Alanon. It's OK to cry! It's healthy to acknowledge the pain in your live but you are taking control of your life. It's scary as hell but it is sooo worth it.


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 676 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, August 8th (Friday)

Sadly, it DOES feel like some sort of sick competition and I have lost. I do feel like she won, POS or not. I think that is just my wounded pride.

Good God. The whore won a worthless, food stamp grubbing junkie/alcoholic/jailbird and community parasite who can't even wipe his own ass, much less MAN THE HELL UP and do right by his kid.

Yeah, she won quite the prize, there. I'm jealous.

Some women have ALL the luck, dammit.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1975 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, August 8th (Friday)

I agree with Buddhist. You are taking control. Allow your time for grief and crying but do it in the shower or away from your son. He doesn't need to see you suffering. He needs to see you embracing life and kicking the shit out of the crap that you have been dealt.

Keep focus on the real goal. To get healthy and to raise a strong, loving, happy, productive young man.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8913 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Schadenfreude
Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, August 8th (Friday)

As usual, Tush nurse ( I give up fighting this autocorrect thing) is absolutely correct. Son does not need to see your constant hurt. He needs to develop strength, too.

I know Sandy loved Danny, but that was just a movie.

If a girlfriend was in your shoes, what would you tell her to do?
Or your sister, if you have one? No sane person would advise reconciliation with this dangerous man.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, August 8th (Friday)

LOL, Neveragain...I know she didn't win anything special. In the end, I will be better off and she will be in jail. Most likely, he will too. But I still love him. Worthless or not, I married him because I love him and have loved him for a long time. I don't know how to turn that off. I wish I could...

I don't let my son see me cry anymore. I do whatever I can to NOT let that happen. He has seen it too much. He has been gone for 2 days with my Dad. Being alone and the contact from my H together is what brought on the emotions, I think.

I would tell my friend and my sister to get the hell away and stay away...just like they have all done me. I just wish it were easier.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, August 9th (Saturday)

It has been a really bad morning. I dreamed about my husband and woke up really missing him. Right now, I just want him so bad. No matter what he has done or who he has been with, I just want my husband and family back. I know that isn't reasonable or even logical but the pain is so intense, I want it to stop. It feels like D-day all over again. I hate this so bad.

Why are some days so much harder? I feel like everything I gave worked for is gone; my strength, my husband, my family, my best friend, EVERYTHING. I want a do over, a take back, an instant replay. I want my life back. I want to go to sleep and not wake up until this nightmare and the pain is gone.

When does this stop? How do I make these feelings go away? I should hate him! I should be mad! Not crying and not fighting the temptation to text him! I shouldn't want someone back who has hurt me and my son so bad!!!


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, August 9th (Saturday)

It has been a really bad morning. I dreamed about my husband and woke up really missing him. Right now, I just want him so bad. No matter what he has done or who he has been with, I just want my husband and family back. I know that isn't reasonable or even logical but the pain is so intense, I want it to stop. It feels like D-day all over again. I hate this so bad.

Why are some days so much harder? I feel like everything I gave worked for is gone; my strength, my husband, my family, my best friend, EVERYTHING. I want a do over, a take back, an instant replay. I want my life back. I want to go to sleep and not wake up until this nightmare and the pain is gone.

When does this stop? How do I make these feelings go away? I should hate him! I should be mad! Not crying and not fighting the temptation to text him! I shouldn't want someone back who has hurt me and my son so bad!!!


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
Chrysalis123
Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, August 9th (Saturday)

You are addicted to the relationship. It is really common in abusive situations. It is hard, really hard to break away.

That addiction is talking when you miss him. The addiction talk is not rational nor healthy for you.

Just like a drug addict breaking the addiction is really hard and you will have cravings. Google addictive relationships.

What are you doing to help yourself to get emotionally and mentally strong again?

I needed outside help to break free from my relationship, and I needed some therapy to learn to think clearly and in a healthy way. Also, Alanon was a godsend....free therapy is what I called it.

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 10:47 AM, August 9th (Saturday)]


Don’t get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well. 

Posts: 2829 | Registered: Jan 2010
Schadenfreude
Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, August 9th (Saturday)

What do you want him for, exactly? To ask to borrow money to bail OW out of jail? To buy drugs? To beg you to,pay his satellite bill? To ignore your child? To pick up,whatever is left of his toys and tools to pawn them?

I haven't seen one useful, loving thing he does for you.

Any successful marriage has some utility to both spouses. What does he do for you except maybe provide you the kibbles those lost in A fog talk,about wistfully? BBM, you are like virtually every wandering woman who has posted here. Your proclaimed love isn't based on the realities of everyday life.

DETACH.

I hope the 2x4's didn't hurt too much.

[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 11:40 AM, August 9th (Saturday)]


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
GonnaGetThru
Member
Member # 38817
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, August 9th (Saturday)

Big hugs, BBM...I second the post about addictive relationships. I too suggest Nar-Anon. They were a huge help to me in dealing with that. There is a harsh truth to being addicted to our addicts. I do believe when you share a child with one, there is a part of us that will always love the addict for that part; after all our kid(s) wouldn't be here without them. I gently encourage you to go to Nar-Anon. They are a wonderful support system. You can vent, cry, whatever there and they understand COMPLETELY. Plus, it's a good excuse just to get out of the house when you're a SAHM. If you google serenity seekers online Nar-Anon, they are an online group, basically the same set-up as SI. I found them before I got brave enough to go to a face to face meeting. Stay strong, BBM. You are doing so well and you deserve to heal yourself from this. You are worth it!


BW (me): 30
WH (him): 31
Taking R one day at a time

"Every decision you make indicates what you believe you are worth."


Posts: 116 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: North Carolina
Freeme
Member
Member # 31946
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, August 9th (Saturday)

Wanted to add that these really hard times happen after you have had contact with him. It doesn't matter how little the contact it always brings new hurt. Detach and go NC again.

NC=No new Hurt


Posts: 272 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Washington DC
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, August 9th (Saturday)

I really don't know what I want from him, except for him to be the man I married. The man I fell in love with so long ago. But I know that man is gone, in actuality, he NEVER existed.

I do feel like I have an addiction to him. One that needs to be broken desperately. I definitely need to detach, this pain comes after I have communication with him. No matter how small or insignificant the communication is, it kills me inside.

I don't understand it. I don't know why he has such a hold on me. Yes, we have a child together. A child he has shown that he doesn't have time for or even cares about unless it is convenient for him. It kills me to know we mean so little to him. These last few days have just been so hard.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
deena04
Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, August 9th (Saturday)

Baseballmom... I am sorry. Keep thinking of what your son needs and trudge forward. This sucks, but we are here for you.


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
L-I-B-E-R-A-T-I-N-G ME

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Dec 2013
bent44
Member
Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 11:44 PM, August 9th (Saturday)

BBM,
Please know your feelings of longing are totally normal, and I speak from experience. I held onto hope far too long because my sweet loving kind loyal heart just could not let go. It took some time to realize my heart was yearning for what I thought I had, what I wished I had, for what I thought I signed up for when I married and had a child with XWS (SA/NPD/alcoholic/Method addict to boot). But NONE of that was my reality... Nowhere close.
What I finally realized after tons of tears, and some hard to hear 2*4's from lots of folks, was that I needed to let my head run the show for awhile. My heart just could not be strong enough to do it. I am not suggesting you turn your love off, but let your brain make decisions now. Yes, grieve, cry, hurt, and love your son and yourself, but please hand over the decision making to your head.
You have been dealt a horrendous blow, and likely you have many battles ahead. This is a marathon, not a sprint. Please take care of yourself.
Supervised visits and mandatory drug testing seem in order, and I am so glad you have a lawyer! I hope you are saving WS childish texts.
One thing that helped my brain make decisions and not my heart was that I would only communicate via email or text, and never put anything in writing that I would not feel comfortable reading to a judge in a court of law. Often that meant a delay in responding to ensure there was no emotion. Shitty it has to be this way, but the entire thing is shitty.
On a brighter note, I am a heck of a lot better with boundaries nowadays, and triggers are almost nonexistent... Even though I am still the supervisor for XWS visits with dd8 almost four years later.
Please hang in there, you sound so strong even though I know you feel weak. Stay true to yourself. It and you WILL get better!


"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."


I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.

Update...he


Posts: 730 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 12:09 AM, August 10th (Sunday)

I wanted SO BADLY for Monster to actually BE the guy that he had portrayed himself to me as for 15 years.....but that portrayal was all that it was. A role that he played. I also would have never gotten to the point where I am now without the help of a VERY good IC to help me sift through and see past my *hope* button and into the *this is the reality of your life and the person who you are dealing with*.

I feel like everything I gave worked for is gone; my strength, my husband, my family, my best friend, EVERYTHING. I want a do over, a take back, an instant replay.
I *get* this, but there are no do-overs in life. And really, even if you had a do-over you have NO idea how your life would look now if you had made different choices. Maybe your life would be 100x better....but maybe it would be 100x worse. Looking back and kicking yourself or wishing for *something* different is time wasted. Deal with the here and now.

Right now just focus on staying strong for yourself and your son and on making decisions that will benefit the 2 of you in the long run. Let your WH twist in the wind and figure out his own shit. It hurts, it sucks, it's unfair and unjust....but *shrug*....feel those feelings and then lay them aside and get on with your life. The more distance you get from this dysfunction, the clearer your head will be and the stronger you will feel. This is a process, not an event (stolen from Stronger08). Much like you grieve the death of a loved one, you are going to go through the grief process for this relationship.

You'll be ok. Just continue to hold firm.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8263 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, August 10th (Sunday)

Today hasn't been as emotional. I am more bitchy today. I know it takes time to get over this. In a way, it IS a death. But I am just tired. I am tired of dealing with the bs, the nonsense and the tears. I am tired of the pain and the thoughts that constantly run through my mind. I am just tired.

I still feel like a failure, like I should have tried harder or done something different. Then maybe my husband would have wanted me. Stupid, I know. But I can't help it or change it. Just like I can't change him. Or the situation.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, August 10th (Sunday)

I AM SO PISSED THAT I COULD CHEW NAILS!!! OMG!! So I was outside and hear the house phone ringing. My son answers and it is my lying, cheating husband. WTF?! I come in to hear my son say "My mom is sorry, she told me. Are you?" Which is true, I DID tell my son that I was sorry about all of this. What does the POS say?! That I should be!! ME?! I should be sorry?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?! He also told him that he has tried to see him but I WON'T LET HIM!! And the reason he isn't coming home is because we don't get along!!!

I have not can't believe he said that shit! First, it is not true! Second, he is fucking 9! He should not put him in the middle and try to get him to take sides by blaming me! Now, I can't e en let him answer the phone because of him?! Again, I had to comfort him and try to explain things the best way that I can. And honestly, I don't know how to do that because I do not want to say bad things about his dad!! Even though I would love to tell him the truth! I am an adult and I KNOW BETTER! All that little boy wants is the 2 people that he loves more than anything to be home with him. He does not need to be told that shit! OMG!!!!

HOW CAN HE BE SO DAMN INSENSITIVE?! Doesn't he realize how bad he is hurting the one person would NEVER turn his back on him, his only son?! I am livid!!!!


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
Jomarion
Member
Member # 43659
Default  Posted: 6:20 AM, August 11th (Monday)

Hi Baseball mom, First, so sorry that he is doing this new hurt. Your post started making me cry, I am so upset for you and your struggle and your son and your son's struggles. I read your latest entry (post?), and wanted to give your husband a few real 2X4's.

Saying that, I also, with fear for you, thought this would happen,that he would next use your son. This man has no morals, or any he did have, have been washed away in the need to be and live the life of a drug addict. I know you love or loved him, and to see his life, all his potential good you saw and recognised in him get washed away by his bad choices, well, believe me, I know that pain.

It was one of the shocking aspects of my relationship with WWBF. How he used his children, whom I loved, to gain sympathy for himself and control over me.

My own son was used by WWBF's kids, they were so 'nice' to him. When I realised what they were up to, I gently told my son he could not see them anymore. It made my son very angry at me, made him feel I was unfairly attacking WWBF's 'nice' children. He was/is too young to know the details, I tried to be as neutral as possible, and to protect my son, said nothing negative about the kids or WWBF. He loved WWBF's kids,and WWBF. I said that they had problems that they needed to sort out on their own. We could not help them. And that the best way FOR US to help them was to give them 'alone time' or 'private time' to work out their problems. By saying that, I tried to make my son feel he was helping people he loved by letting them alone.

I was so afraid for you, that your son would be the next target, but (like a typical co-dependent), hoping against hope I would be wrong in your case.

I have been/am being maligned too by people whom I loved and cared for. I understand the hurt. It is really unbearable. And to see him tangling your son up in this now, oh my God.

But your son sounds like a strong, intelligent, good-spirited boy. You are doing much better than I am.

It is so hard for you, and for your son. As you know,I obviously feel absolutely unqualified to give you any advice, but I just wanted you to know I am VERY ANGRY TOO at your son's dad, and my heart goes out to you and your son.


me:BGF, 54, American immigrant. one son. me and my ex get along great, the most amicable split imaginable!
him:WBF,43, Polish immigrant
together since 2006,
DDay:October28,2009,after his 3 teen kids push him to cheat with OW.
5 betrayed me

Posts: 203 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: UK
Hopetosurvive98
Member
Member # 33842
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, August 11th (Monday)

BBM I am sorry that you have been struggling emotionally lately. I know how hard it is. I hope you can see very clearly that the pain gets much worse when there is contact. Go read early on in this thread when there was contact and see how confused and in pain you were, then read toward the middle when you went NC and see your new strength, then recently with contact again...more pain. NC is what is going to save your sanity and save you from new pain.

BBM-please know everything I say I am saying with a kind heart and never want to come across as being too harsh. What you said in your last post was exactly what myself and other posters have been warning you about. That that he will start to use your son as a tool against you. You ask how he could put his son in the middle and hurt him like this? BBM this is who he is HE IS ALL ABOUT HIMSELF, HE DOESNT CARE ONE BIT ABOUT HIS CHILD, TRUST ME. Everything and everyone is a tool and has been. BBM he keeps showing you who he is-letting you SEE his true colors. He lied to get food stamps and therefore robbed his own child of food, he hasnt paid a dime for him, hasnt been contacting you asking about him, hasnt truly tried to see him, has expressed zero concern for him. He planned well in advance to run off with a meth dealer/addict and has chosen that life. He will only "care" for you or his son when he NEEDS something. It is not out of love or concern. It is about him.

You are a mom, you know that immense love we feel for our children-that feeling that we would do anything to protect our children and make them feel loved. The love for a child is a love and bond like no other. You feel that. He doesnt and never has. Think about the fact that he has an older child too. You stated you paid that child support right? He never paid for that child and it carried severe consequences for him but that sure didnt make him pay. Beyond support does he visit that child? Send gifts? Remember birthdays and holidays? Anything?? I would bet no. Why? Because he doesnt care about that innocent child, he cares only about himself. Sorry to say but it will be no different for your son.

He is not going to change and if this continues in this manner the damage done to your son will be devastating. I was a child of an ugly divorce and my dad would do something similar because he chose to never see me. He would blame my mom and tell me it was her choice and her anger that kept him from seeing me, that he wanted to and was so sorry but my mom was preventing it. He also never paid support. We struggled to pay bills and have food and he was flying around in a private jet (crazy I know). It was because he was trying to punish my mom and using me as a tool to do so was the best way to truly hurt her. I was so confused and so hurt by being told such things and it has created issues for me until this day. I was a pawn in a game.
Yes, you need to stop allowing your son to answer the phone. You need to protect him from his father because this man doesnt care for one second that he is hurting his son. He cares that he is hurting you and deflecting blame from himself, he cares that he is setting himself up for his next move. Trust me when he loses his current address he is going to put your son right smack in the middle of trying to get his ass home. Do not be surprised at how low he will go, there is no limit to how low he will go to save his own ass.

Get angry, stay angry, NC, NC, NC.


Me: BS 36
Him:WS 36
DDay 9/8/11, 3yr LTA
Her: super classy coworker, 44, involved in many A's including several other coworkers.

Posts: 439 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: The beautiful south
k8la
Member
Member # 38408
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, August 11th (Monday)

Get mad, but also get smart about your son. He's old enough to have a really good conversation with you about addiction. You don't need to go into a lot of detail but you can definitely expose OW as an addict headed to prison with just news stories during the conversation.

Some key points you MUST raise to his attention:

1. Addicts under the influence make promises they can't keep. It's not that they intend to lie, but that they say and do things they can't follow through on.

2. Addicts under the influence lie to defend and justify their behavior. This is what his father did. It's not that his dad is a bad man, but because the addiction is active, he's going to lie.

3. You are taking steps to protect him from those promises and lies.

Google "telling children about a parent addiction" - you'll find these 7 Cs from the experts that you must help your son understand:

I didn't Cause it.

I can't Cure it.

I can't Control it.

I can Care for myself

By Communicating my feelings,

Making healthy Choices, and

By Celebrating myself.

Another website said this:

Explain that addiction and alcoholism are illnesses - that some people get ill from a virus and some people get ill when a body part is not working right and some people get ill when they use certain substances like meth or alcohol.

All of them stress honesty.

And frankly - as a child of an addict - we internalize a lot when the sober parent DOESN'T talk about addiction and the consequences of loving someone who is under the influence.

This is why many here have stressed that you participate in Al Anon and even though your son isn't a teen yet, the school program can probably refer him to Ala Teen or a similar support.

He has to be taught to have his guard up about his dad because his dad is going to lie to him for a very long time. He will lie about being an addict. He will lie about wanting to talk with him, loving him, caring about him, financially supporting him. He will do everything he can to turn your son into a mini-me-addict and against you. If you do not tell your son age-appropriate truth now, you will very likely lose him to his father's lies and addiction down the road.


Posts: 174 | Registered: Feb 2013
k8la
Member
Member # 38408
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, August 11th (Monday)

You may want to have a school counselor do this conversation with you - talk with the counselor about dad lying, and how to help your son build some insulation/defenses so that he can more easily detect the truth or choose to not be in contact with his dad at all.

Posts: 174 | Registered: Feb 2013
Jomarion
Member
Member # 43659
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, August 11th (Monday)

k8la, some really brilliant advice. I wish I were half as deft and bright. Want to store that advice in my brain for future reference.


me:BGF, 54, American immigrant. one son. me and my ex get along great, the most amicable split imaginable!
him:WBF,43, Polish immigrant
together since 2006,
DDay:October28,2009,after his 3 teen kids push him to cheat with OW.
5 betrayed me

Posts: 203 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: UK
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, August 11th (Monday)

Thank you for the great advice, k8la. I sat my son down tonight and talked to him about everything. It hurts him but I think he understands. He knows that I am trying to protect him. He knows that his Dad is sick.

He doesn't see his daughter, or even talk to her. She wants nothing to do with him or his family. I have a good relationship with her though. She has even visited now that he isn't here. Pretty sad if you ask me.

I know he will do everything he can to hurt me, even if that means hurting our son. But I don't understand why. I don't get it. Any of it.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
k8la
Member
Member # 38408
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, August 11th (Monday)

To understand his motives, you have to understand the nature of the relationship between addict and co-addict.

Imagine a child's mobile toy - all the pieces may be balanced on their strings askew and crazy, and get batted around, but as long as all the pieces stay in their place, the balance comes back.

Such is the relationship between addicts and their enablers. When the co-addict says "NO MORE" and gets off the mobile, the addict screams to get the co-addict back in their place. They'll play nice, they'll bully, they'll promise everything, they'll spew hatred, they'll hurt those you love the most - all to get you to get back into your role as enabler.

Eventually, they adjust by getting someone else to take your place on the mobile. Or they get sober. Or they die. But none of those choices can matter to you; only the safety of you and your son.

Does this help you understand better? His world is on tilt, and it's your fault! Not his addiction. Not his immaturity. No. It's your fault because you don't keep his world balanced, protect him from his parole officer, and everything else to shield him from the consequences of his behavior.

Please stay off that mobile. Your life. Your son's life depends upon it. Your husband will eventually turn to your son to get him on the enabler mobile, unless you can get your son well-educated about boundaries and addiction and co-addiction.


Posts: 174 | Registered: Feb 2013
Hopetosurvive98
Member
Member # 33842
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, August 12th (Tuesday)

Beautiful post K8la. Read it again and again BBM because its spot on.

It's nice that your WHs daughter has a relationship with you and can know her brother. To me it is very telling how easily he discarded her. It shows this has been his behavior for a long time and its not changing anytime soon.
Good for you talking to your son too. I know how hard it must have been but you are taking important steps in protecting him from further pain. Educating him on the tough subject will help him understand and develop boundaries to protect him from taking a place on the mobile as K8la so perfectly described.

I know it's hard BBM but you are stronger then you know and doing really great.


Me: BS 36
Him:WS 36
DDay 9/8/11, 3yr LTA
Her: super classy coworker, 44, involved in many A's including several other coworkers.

Posts: 439 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: The beautiful south
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, August 12th (Tuesday)

Excellent posts K8la. Wow. You have either been down the path yourself, or have done some real schooling on it.

BBM she knows what she is saying. Please listen.

Oh and BBM? You are doing an awesome job these days. Keep up the great work.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8913 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, August 12th (Tuesday)

Well, my son and I survived the 1st of many 1sts without my husband. Tonight was open house for the both of us at our schools. He was okay, I think. It bothered me that his dad was missing it, especially when his teacher said something about him. He handled it though.

I was upset from early on. I really worked hard to look nice for my parents and the first thing I thought was "I wish he was was here to give me a confidence boost". So needless to say, the makeup I worked so hard on was gone before I made it to MY school. I cried all the way from his to mine. And then after when my favorite parent (and the only one to know my situation) from last year, came in to check on me. When will I stop immediately thinking of him when good or bad things happen? I miss my best friend so much.

He texted tonight, asking if I knew someone. I didn't text back. What does it matter at this point? Anyway, I know today was minor and it hurts so bad. How am I going to deal with the big 1st's? I want this pain to end so bad. I want my family. I don't want to be broken anymore.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
WeepingBuddhist
Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, August 13th (Wednesday)

You will deal with all the other firsts just like you did this--put your head up and MAKE IT THROUGH. then come back and tell us that you DID IT. You did what you needed to do like a rock star and THEN even though you were hurting, you maintained NC. That's badass. You're mighty.


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 676 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, August 13th (Wednesday)

You are healing, and putting the pieces together, and no you will never be the same and those firsts hurt, but today in the light of a new day you realize that you survived it, and it was relatively drama free. Bonus.

You have to break the habit of him and your M, simply said, but a big task. Each time you go through one of these firsts you will find it easier, and you will feel stronger.

You have a complete family right now. As a teacher you know families come in all different shapes and sizes, and it's a rarity to find a family that actually exists of 1 mom, 1 dad, 1 kid. What makes it a family is that there are people there to support and love one another. You H is not one of these people. He breaks you down, he makes you feel less than what you are, you don't need him, and will be better off without him included in this stuff, as will your son.

Stay strong, stay focused. Routine of school, and life will help you feel a bit more normal as well.

(((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8913 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, August 13th (Wednesday)

BBM,
You need to put a list together on a piece of paper. Two columns. GOOD qualities and BAD qualities. And be honest with yourself. You need to make two of these. One for your ideal husband. And one for your husband. Again. BE HONEST.

After you're finished with the lists, compare them.

You need to find a way to get this into perspective. Maybe this will help.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8040 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Hopetosurvive98
Member
Member # 33842
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, August 13th (Wednesday)

BBM it takes time. Something we never want to hear but it is true. I am so proud of you keeping NC.

When I read your latest post I immediately thought it might be beneficial to do a cost-benefit analysis of your relationship with your WH. Just as Sadtoo suggested above me. I think if you are very honest with the reality of your relationship with him you see how little he actually benefited the relationship. You have been carrying him on your back the entire time. He has not been a true partner in your household by holding regular and reliable employment, you have paid his debts, paid for support for his older child that he refused to support, purchased him transportation, and his recreational vehicles, you have protected him from his actions and maintained the status quo for his probation officer. You had been carrying all the burden in your marriage.

You know if he came home it would be more of the same. He would only be coming home so he has someone to cushion his fall and shield him from facing any consequences. He would come home because he needs to get you back on the mobile K8la so eloquently described. He didnt initiate any contact with your son until he realized he was losing his current address in the near future. Now he is texting and calling your home phone and making small talk? He is trying to get you back in the cycle. You have come too far and the cost of him coming back is too much.

I am sorry you are hurting BBM. Keep posting here and know that we are all supporting you from afar and are here for you. We all know it hurts but we all know that you are so much stronger then you know and you're worth so much more. Keep moving forward you are on the right path.


Me: BS 36
Him:WS 36
DDay 9/8/11, 3yr LTA
Her: super classy coworker, 44, involved in many A's including several other coworkers.

Posts: 439 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: The beautiful south
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, August 13th (Wednesday)

I have never been one to wish time away, but now...well now I wish time would fly. I want to be over this pain. It will be 3 months tomorrow since he walked out the 1st time. Also, another 1st for my little family. I am usually gone before my son goes to school so his Dad always took off work to take him. You know, Mom HAS to have that picture in front of the school. I can't take him because it is also my 1st day. Thank God for Mama...my mom is taking him. I just hate that I can't depend on the one person who I am supposed to.

I don't need to put the list on paper. Unfortunately I know the bad outweighs the good. Maybe it always has but I looked past that. Stupid, naive little girl in love.

Thank you all for your continued support, especially when I am not listening. I need those 2x4s to the head.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, August 13th (Wednesday)

You may THINK you don't need to put it on paper. But sometimes seeing it on paper makes it real and helps the reality set it. Therefore helps the healing begin. Give it a try.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8040 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, August 13th (Wednesday)

Ugh. I am not having a good night. He has been texting all night and of course, I caved. I really need to get my number changed.

He started off again saying I should know this person or at least her best friend. He is leading up to something but I don't know what. But then he sent a text that kind of worried me. My son has been working with his friends to build a clybhouse under his treehouse. He texted and said "Tell him he is doing a good job building his treehouse." Okay, I don't live somewhere that is easy or convenient to just drive by. And he obviously wanted me to know that he had been by here. Then he asked if I would be home Saturday. He wants the rest of his stuff, and of course he started in about the washer. I told him that I will get all of his shit packed up and sit it outside. I don't want to be here IF he does come.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, August 14th (Thursday)

I know it will be hard, have family and friends there with you. Do NOT allow him to come to your home while you are not there. Changed locks or not, he is creepy enough to break in.

Remember he is an addict, and if he thinks there is ANYTHING there worth money he is going to take it.

Don't let him in. You don't have to face him that's why you need friends and family there to make it clear that you want nothing to do with him, and that you have back up.

I think it's freaking creepy that he was snooping around looking at his sons clubhouse/treehouse. Maybe he was looking to see if he could move in there because OW isn't all that. LOL (Hey a little levity helps).

Anyway, I think I would see if anyone has a game camera or two that you can borrow, and put them up. If he comes back charge him with trespassing. Game Cameras work good because they can get night time images.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8913 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
outtanowhere
Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, August 14th (Thursday)

He is definitely setting the stage for his next move. Remember BBM that he knows you very well. He knows you still love him and, IMHO, he believes you will cave into his wishes if he is persistent enough. Right now what I wish you could see is that he is trying to intimidate you. He knows you are weak and he will pull out all the stops to get himself back into a position of power with you and, this is where you HAVE to be strong!

Being betrayed by the one person you loved the most is a game changer. It is disorienting and, at times, feels like its a hopeless situation. Its not hopeless but, you do have to see things from a new perspective. This has nothing to do with love BBM. You might love him but, he is only out for himself and will use any feelings you have for him to manipulate things to his advantage. I think that many of us loved our spouses so much that we did anything and everything we could to show them. We just wanted them to be happy. What happened in my case is that I got so little back from my husband that I quit expecting anything. When I quit expecting anything, I got nothing. I woke up one day and realized that I had been so focused on him that I forgot about me and, apparently so did he. I'm not going there again. I'm not famous but, I am important and deserving of the same kind of love that I was so freely giving away.

He does know you very well and is actively working to keep you hanging on....just in case. You can really stun him by refusing to take the bait. Everyone who has followed your posts can clearly see that you still love him but, we are all hoping and praying that you aren't going to let that get in the way of using your head and doing what you know you should do to protect you and your son.

It's all so unfair but, it is what it is. Please don't fall into his trap. You already know that by allowing him back into your life you are signing you and your boy up for more pain and heartache. I have raised three children. They are wonderful adults now but, the teenage years were sheer hell and, that most of it was typical adolescence behavior. Your son will deal with so much more than most of his peers due to the fact his father is addict. You have got to be strong and be his example of what a healthy parent looks like because it will be his only reference.

Keep telling yourself the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

I venture to say that there is not one member on this site that ever thought they would be posting on an infidelity board so, we all get that there is no emotional on/off switch. However, you are smart young woman and you do have the ability to listen and heed the advice of those who are desperately trying to save a fellow human being from any more suffering. Detach from him. Make up your own criteria for considering R such as clean and sober for __ months/years, having a full time job, IC, attending weekly support groups, paying half of the household bills, etc. Dig deep into your heart and try to understand why you want to commit to giving your whole self to someone who has demonstrated time and again that his own needs are more valuable than anyone else's.

In the end, it's up to you. Choose to let your head guide you and not your heart.


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 803 | Registered: Apr 2013
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, August 14th (Thursday)

BBM,
Change is difficult. And nothing changes if nothing changes.

Although I see you making improvements. I see you falling back into your old comfortable habits.

We have made many suggestions on how to help you get through this. Go N/c, change your number, get into therapy, join a support group, etc. And although you have done these things / some of these things once or a few times, you are failing to be consistent.

This is never going to "get better" for you until you stop communicating with him. You NEED support to do this. Your son deserves one healthy parent. Make that parent you and do everything you need to do to get there.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8040 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, August 14th (Thursday)

I just changed my number. That is a big step for me.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
outtanowhere
Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, August 14th (Thursday)

Atta girl BBM! Now, be very careful who you give it to!


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 803 | Registered: Apr 2013
Hopetosurvive98
Member
Member # 33842
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, August 14th (Thursday)

Good for you BBM!!!!! Big step!!! Huge! I am so proud of this decision. Let him get his "stuff" but be home and have support by way of family and friends. He gets his things and goes on his merry way. He and his problems are not yours to fix.

I am kind of at a loss at the creepiness if him spying on your sons treehouse. There are really no boundaries for your WH and it is really time to prepare for him to lay it on thick and go to extremes. As another poster stated-your son deserves one strong, healthy parent. That is you BBM. I am really proud of you!


Me: BS 36
Him:WS 36
DDay 9/8/11, 3yr LTA
Her: super classy coworker, 44, involved in many A's including several other coworkers.

Posts: 439 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: The beautiful south
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, August 14th (Thursday)

I just changed my number. That is a big step for me.

WAY TO GO!!! WOW!!! I am so proud of you too.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8040 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, August 15th (Friday)

I am not going to lie, it was very hard for me. But after receiving yet ANOTHER message from MY husband and then one from his whore. I was done. HE is basically accusing ME of cheating. HE cheated on ME but this is all my fault!! So yes, I broke NC yet again and texted and told him that if he was so happy with his dope whore then he needed to leave ME alone. What do you know? Then SHE texted telling me that he is happy and I am a fat, bitter bitch that couldn't make my husband happy. THAT was the last straw. No, he isn't happy or he wouldn't continue to text me about stupid stuff. He left ME, so leave ME alone!

So apparently, the person that I dated BRIEFLY over 10 years ago during one of our break ups, has split with his wife. And that is my fault?!? Really? I haven't even talked to the guy in years but yet now I am a homewrecker? OMG! Really? He is grasping at straws now. JUST. LEAVE. ME. ALONE.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
Schadenfreude
Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, August 15th (Friday)

Don't reply to Dope Whore. She'll probably be in jail,soon enough.

Don't reply to him,, either. Changing number is more separation. Good for you. Is there a way to block your number so he never sees it?


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, August 15th (Friday)

(((BBM)))
You are growing stronger and stronger each day.

Don't try to make sense of the crazy. It doesn't work.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8913 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
outtanowhere
Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, August 15th (Friday)

Please tell me you didn't do this texting from your new phone number. BBM quit trying to talk sense with people who don't have good sense. You can't use reason with unreasonable people. They have burned up the few good brain cells they were born with by doing meth. Just go dark. You know what they are saying is nonsense and so do they but, they are getting some kind of sick pleasure by torturing you with their little games and you are playing right into their hands.

They are drama llamas. They are going to self destruct. Don't let yourself get sucked down the drain with them!! NC NC NC!!!


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 803 | Registered: Apr 2013
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, August 15th (Friday)

Oh no! I texted him right before I had it changed. The number was changed within 10 minutes of that final text. So if they responded, I didn't get it.

There is definitely no reasoning with him at this point. I honestly don't know this man. He never acted this way!! But then again, he wasn't in the position that he is in now. I just don't understand why they won't just leave me alone!! Now they have to, at least on my cell. I hope my home number doesn't have to be changed as well. I am worried about the fact that he has been driving by my house. I can't change that as easily as I could my phone number....


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, August 15th (Friday)

No you can't change your home address like you can your cell number, that is why I suggested the game cameras. They will capture him if he is creeping around. Then you can file a RO. Put up a No Trespassing sign.
Put up some motion sensor lights (if you don't have them) If you already have outdoor flood lights switching it over to a motion sensor is not that complicated and anyone that has some basic handyman skills can do that for you.

Know anyone that has a large dog that needs to be babysat for a while? You can make money dogsitting, and also have an automatic alarm that will scare off even the dumbest of methheads.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8913 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
cosmicjoke
Member
Member # 39159
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, August 15th (Friday)

BBM, the Meth Twins won't leave you alone because: as addicts, THEY NEED A CONSTANT FIX. And right now picking on YOU is their mutual fix they can get high on together. They are USING YOU- their narcissistic supply- to feed their weak, superficial, selfish egos. They are the screwed-up ones, so of course they need a scapegoat. Then they can call YOU the bad guy. It's the most predictable thing these kinds of sick people do. They need to point the finger at YOU- and make you into the big, bad evil wife who drove her poor, widdle, innocent, long-suffering hubby away. 'It's just us against the big bad world...' .......LOL!!!!!
So I know, I know... believe me-- I KNOW-- it's so hard... But just be patient. There is no other ending to this but their own self-destruction.. and now that you've withdrawn your narcissistic ego kibbles, I can pretty much guarantee the outcome: their egos will starve, so they will find a new target to blame all the problems on. But this can only last so long, because they will eventually turn on each other, and attack each other. Then their house of cards will come tumbling down......
So just sit back and wait. And in the meantime, take care of yourself, your boy, and put all that energy into building a new life for yourself. While they spiral down into their big black hole together.

Posts: 256 | Registered: May 2013
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, August 15th (Friday)

I just don't understand why they won't just leave me alone!!

You can't make sense out of nonsense. So don't waste your time trying.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8040 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Lark
Member
Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 2:55 AM, August 16th (Saturday)

I'm coming to this thread very late, so I apologize that this is going to seem totally out there in relation to the current posts going on..

I just wanted to say

My father is an addict. While he was married to my mom, he was a heavy alcoholic (still is) and also was into heavier drugs. My mom found out about cocaine, but she did not know the full extent. He cheater on her. He was physically and mentally abusive, though she didn't realize the mental side at the time (she had ot get out of her own fog).

She left when i was 2 years old. We lived in a women's shelter for a bit while my mom got her head straight through counseling and Al-Anon and while her family could set up a safe living situation for us.

We were poor most of my life. Very poor at times. But I was happy. I was safe. I had amazing uncles who showed me how men should act. I rarely saw my father. he wanted little to do with me - and I'm glad, because he was toxic.

It's better to be from a broken home than in one. I am so thankful my mom broke that cycle.

strength to you, because stepping into the unknown is hard. Stepping into the unknown with a child is even harder. But know that every step forward is also a step leaving that cycle behind.


“It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” - Dumbledore

Posts: 1067 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
Hopefulmum
New Member
Member # 44479
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, August 16th (Saturday)

Baseballmum I know I am coming to very late but on some level I can understand how you feel about a lot and wondered if your husband had ever promised to get help with the drugs etc before. My partner of 3 yrs relapsed and hid it from me for 12 mths until his addiction was taken hold to much and I found all his stuff etc i left with our child and my other child as I did not want to risk losing my child if her father found out and knew I stayed. It had now been three months and in that time he cheated on me through texts and calls and slept with the girls once. He is now "clean" and it appears to have brought to his sense about everything he has done to our family both his children and mine and the hurt and appears to be doing and saying everything right to move forward for R. Can I ask has your H ever done this with the drugs and now slipped again and how did you know when enough was enough??

Posts: 17 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: Australia
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, August 16th (Saturday)

I am a nervous wreck today. I even ended up taking a xanax to calm down a bit. The last I heard, he was coming at 5 to pick up his stuff. I spent all morning packing things. I did have a few moments of sadness, which quickly turned to anger. I only packed the things that I wanted him to have and a few things I left out just out of pure hatefulness. I think I am entitled to a little spite....anyway, I packed it and carried it out to the sidewalk. He still hasn't shown up.

I took my car to a friends house and came back home. I didn't want my house empty but I also don't want him to think I am here. My cousin left, who my H knows will kick his ass at any point, is close and he parked his truck in my druveway. I don't really expect him to show but his behavior has been so erratic lately, it is hard telling what he will do.

Hopefulmum- Early in our relationship, years and years ago, my husband struggled with his addiction. He even attempted suicide at one point, after that he spent some time in a hospital. He relapsed soon after. He has also been in a rehab/treatment center. However, this is the worst he has EVER been. His behavior has begun to worry me and I knew, for the sake of our child, that I had to face facts. As far as drugs, I believed he was clean since our son was born. He will be 10 in a few days. However, I am realizing now that he was still using. Mostly alcohol but drugs also at times. He may promise me the world so he has somewhere to go. And he may do good for awhile, but the addiction is a vicious cycle. And with the addiction comes the lies, cheating and mental abuse. I have to remove my son from that cycle. Good luck to you, I hope I have helped a little.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
blindsided81
Member
Member # 44206
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, August 17th (Sunday)

BBM,
I have just finished reading this entire thread and I have to tell you that the woman you are now, is not the woman you were when you first posted. You are amazing and you must believe you can do this. I am in awe of how far you have come. It gives me hope that I can also do this.

It is obvious how much you love your son, so I do want to add something that may help give you the strength to keep going.

My own WS left me a month ago for OW, and has no remorse, no nothing. The thing is, his father did exactly the same thing to his mother and he always swore that he would never be like his dad. His mother took it, did nothing and she now 67 and living on welfare. He has 3 brothers and they always talked about how much it bothered them and that they would never, ever do something like this. Well, 2 of them have, so far. They also have become alchoholics like thier father.

My point is that children learn from what they see. It may not come out for years, but it's the truth. Doesn't matter what they hear, they learn from what they experience. I am also an educator so I know you know this in your head, but living it is a whole different thing.

What you want your child to know is that you stood up for yourself. You protected him and you showed him how life should be lived. My husband's mother just took it at the expense of her children. She never showed them that it was wrong. Your son deserves better. You want to teach him how to be a good and honest person who does their best not to hurt the people who love them.

You move on! You have come so far in a couple of months, think where you will be in five years. You will have taught you son what it means to lead a good life. Your family will help. SI will help. Whenever you feel weak, just think about how much you will be teaching your son. I wish my mother in law had done the same for her sons.

So hugs to you and again, I think it is amazing how far you have come!!!


Me, BW 51
WH, 47
OW, ttw (trailer trash whore)
DD, 7/21/14
Separated, divorcing his ass as soon as I possibly can!!

Posts: 167 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: North Carolina
Hopetosurvive98
Member
Member # 33842
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, August 18th (Monday)

Bumping thread up. Wanting to check in with you BBM and see how you are doing?


Me: BS 36
Him:WS 36
DDay 9/8/11, 3yr LTA
Her: super classy coworker, 44, involved in many A's including several other coworkers.

Posts: 439 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: The beautiful south
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, August 18th (Monday)

(((BBM))))
Hope yesterday was peaceful for you.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8913 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, August 18th (Monday)

Thank you, Blindsided. I really hope I am setting a good example for my son. I do NOT want him growing up and repeating the pattern. My FIL is also an alcoholic and cheated numerous times on MIL. My H swore it was one thing that he would NEVER do. Hahaha. Yeah, right.

Tushnurse and Hopetosurvive- I am okay today. And I did okay yesterday, too. Saturday was hard. It shouldn't have been. There have been so many times that he was supposed to show and didn't so I should have known better. I took a lot of pictures down yesterday. Now the only ones that are up are our wedding pictures. I started to get upset and decided that I had done enough for the time being.

Changing my number was the best thing that I could have done. NC is saving my sanity! I also deleted any and all numbers that could be associated with him, such as his family and friends. Less temptation that way.

I stopped at the gas station this morning and saw a friend of his, someone who helped him cover up and lied for him. He refused to even look at me. He was always very friendly before. Guilty, much??? Idiots.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, August 18th (Monday)

Update on the food stamp issue: My lying, cheating bastard husband DID put me on his food stamp application!! What a lowlife! I have already filled out paperwork in my county stating that I do not, nor have I EVER lived in the county that he applied in. Now I have to go after work to that county and do the same thing. Plus I have to take in 3 different items that show proof of my residency in my county. Just more aggravation because of him! OMG I AM SO FED UP WITH THE BULLSHIT!!!!!


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, August 18th (Monday)

Hang on to the anger. That's going to give you some strength.

At least there is a solution to his asshat move on the Food Stamps.

Remember there are food banks out there that can help you as well. It's ok to get some assistance until you get things turned around.

(((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8913 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
GonnaGetThru
Member
Member # 38817
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, August 18th (Monday)

So glad to see you sticking with NC, BBM! :-) Ugh, I hate that this food stamp thing is so complicated for you. But, at the end of the day, it will only show what an ass he has become. Maybe that'll be some leverage for you in regards to D. Sending you hugs and cheering you on!


BW (me): 30
WH (him): 31
Taking R one day at a time

"Every decision you make indicates what you believe you are worth."


Posts: 116 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: North Carolina
Hopetosurvive98
Member
Member # 33842
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, August 19th (Tuesday)

BBM-I continue to be so proud of you. I hope you are feeling yourself grow stronger and stronger. You are doing amazingly well under these circumstances. Good for you moving forward within your home and making it more about your future and moving forward from the past. I know how hard it is to remove the photos and items that remind you of the past. However, it is a huge, positive step forward for you. Take your time.

The friend of your WH knows he is a dirt-bag and that is why he cannot look at you. You did nothing wrong and get to march forward with your chin up and integrity in tact. Something that man will never know or understand. They are are so far below you that I do not want you to even give them a tiny bit of your head space.

I am also sorry that the food stamp issue is such a hassle. He sure didnt care one bit about taking food out of the mouth of his child or what it would do to you. Purely selfish. If he purchased less drugs he would have money to buy his own food! See it to the end and get the situation fixed as it should be. You and your son need and deserve the assistance for the time being and your WH does not. I am proud of you for following through.

As for him getting his belongings. I might have missed a post someplace but wanted to say that I hope you are being certain to be not alone with WH. Have a family member or friend there with you. I am sure you already have thought of all of that.

You sound strong BBM! Keep us posted as we are all here for you!

[This message edited by Hopetosurvive98 at 10:59 AM, August 19th (Tuesday)]


Me: BS 36
Him:WS 36
DDay 9/8/11, 3yr LTA
Her: super classy coworker, 44, involved in many A's including several other coworkers.

Posts: 439 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: The beautiful south
GonnaGetThru
Member
Member # 38817
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, August 19th (Tuesday)

Hey BBM-the food stamp scam made me think of something you might want to keep in mind: it might be a good idea to keep watch over your son's social security # and credit. My in-laws are both severe addicts, have been for years, and often used my He's and his siblings credit for utilities, etc. I don't know if it's harder to do these days but I wouldn't be surprised if your ex at least attempts it at some point. My H is named after his father, so it was easy for his dad to do it. Just thought I'd mention this.


BW (me): 30
WH (him): 31
Taking R one day at a time

"Every decision you make indicates what you believe you are worth."


Posts: 116 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: North Carolina
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, August 19th (Tuesday)

Ugh! Thank you, Gonnagetthru! I didn't even think about that. I am glad that you did. I wouldn't put it past him to try something like that! Nothing he does surprises me, at this point.

I am trying to stay strong. And the anger is definitely helping me to do that. Yesterday, he received a letter about his child support. Or should I say, I received a letter about his child support. Ooops....it may have gotten lost. They are going to start garnishing his wages from his minimum wage fast food job. Oh but the job he had before was a shit job, according to him. Really? IDIOT.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
GonnaGetThru
Member
Member # 38817
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, August 19th (Tuesday)

You're welcome. Hopefully that'll never happen but it's another "typical addict maneuver." The stunts my in-laws have pulled over the years are unbelievable; hell my FIL has been on disability for 20+ years and is in no way disabled- he was just too lazy to work and SS payments to the kids made up for him paying child support I guess. Ugh, so sad. I'm glad you've allowed yourself to be angry; I think it's doing you well and I see you getting stronger from it.


BW (me): 30
WH (him): 31
Taking R one day at a time

"Every decision you make indicates what you believe you are worth."


Posts: 116 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: North Carolina
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, August 20th (Wednesday)

OMG!! I have a funny for you....so last night, my cousin calls me. She is laughing so hard that she can barely get out why she is calling. Finally, she says, "I am calling to play Cupid. But it is so funny, I don't think I can even say it!" My husbands BEST FRIEND (who by the way, was a big part of hiding and lying to me about what was going on!)actually wanted her to get ahold of me and see if I wanted to go out with him on a date! Are you fucking kidding me?!? He says that he is not talking to my husband because he has gotten so into drugs and his whore and he (the best friend) is trying to clean up. Do I believe that? Not at all! I really think that my husband is putting him up to this. But it did give me a good chuckle! I guess we could go to the fast food restaurant that my husband is working at!

Oh but I would have to pay, since his friend has no job and no car. Oh and lives with his parents! LOL!!!


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, August 20th (Wednesday)

OOOOH BBM, Maybe you should rethink that one, he sounds like quite the prize!!!

I am so happy that you found the humor in the situation, and that your cousin had your back. That is just the definition of dysfunction...
I can see him justifying to himself his actions, and that he just knows your sluting it up since he's gone, and he's gonna prove it, by pulling this stunt......LOL.

I'm sitting here just shaking my head.....

(((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8913 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Hopetosurvive98
Member
Member # 33842
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, August 20th (Wednesday)

Haha! What a catch!! That's crazy. I totally agree your WH put him up to it . That's so immature that its hard to imagine grown men concocting such things... Crazy!!

How are you BBM? Did the food stamp issue get dealt with?


Me: BS 36
Him:WS 36
DDay 9/8/11, 3yr LTA
Her: super classy coworker, 44, involved in many A's including several other coworkers.

Posts: 439 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: The beautiful south
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, August 20th (Wednesday)

Oh Tushnurse, that is EXACTLY what I thought! He wants me to look like the bad guy! Hahaha! Yeah, well he could have found me a better "boyfriend". You know, at least one with a job! LOL!

As for the food stamps, they told me that they are currently 2 months behind. However, it did NOT take them 2 months to cut me off! Anyway, I will get continue to get them until they investigate, however, if it is proven that I am lying then I will have to pay them back. Not a problem there. He will NOT get them until he shows some proof. Again, no problem there.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, August 21st (Thursday)

Today is my sweet boys 10th birthday. Where does the time go? Last night he said, "Mom, do you think my Dad will even call me tomorrow?" When I told him that I was sorry but I really doubted it, he looked so sad and said, "Yeah I doubt it, too." I am having him a small, family party tonight. I hope that is enough to keep his mind off of what/who is missing. Another 1st for us. I hate this.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
Hopetosurvive98
Member
Member # 33842
Default  Posted: 7:39 AM, August 21st (Thursday)

Happy Birthday to your sweet boy!! I am so very sorry that he even has to ask that question about a man who is his father. Truth be told his father staying away is the best thing for him, I know he cannot understand that right now. More empty words from dad are worse then no words at all. Just wrap that boy up in love and celebrate his special day. I know it will hurt if dad doesn't call, (and truthfully it is best if he doesnt because his real motive isnt love for his child but more manipulation of him) but you and the family that truly love him and put him first will be there for him and that is what matters most.

Keep being strong, keep being the amazing mom that you are. Show your son what a good parent is, what real love and care is. It will be hard but it will be OK. I am so sorry BBM but you are still doing amazingly well and we are all so proud of you. Happy Birthday to your sweet boy, and boy do I know how quickly they grow. My oldest is 8 and I feel like he should still be a toddler. Time flies.


Me: BS 36
Him:WS 36
DDay 9/8/11, 3yr LTA
Her: super classy coworker, 44, involved in many A's including several other coworkers.

Posts: 439 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: The beautiful south
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, August 21st (Thursday)

Ugh. Sitting here tonight with my family and close friends, my home phone rings. I answer it and this is what I hear, "Fuck, she answered. I didn't think she would." Then click....my wonderful, oh so mature husband.....really?!? Grow up!! He wasn't even mature enough to ask for his son? Is this middle school?!

I am really surprised that he even attempted to call. But that way, it looks good on him. I am sure he will say he tried but I wouldn't let him talk to him or some bullshit like that. I did hear a female voice say something right before he hung up. I am sure it was his whore. She goes to court next week. Karma.

Anyway, I hope he doesn't call back. I know my son would love to talk to him but all it would do is hurt him. Like it did me. I hate that he has the power to hurt us.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
outtanowhere
Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, August 21st (Thursday)

How would they have your number? Weird. Doesn't natter what he can prove. You have the voicemail. No games BBM. It doesn't do anybody any good.!


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 803 | Registered: Apr 2013
Chicky
Member
Member # 18622
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, August 21st (Thursday)

I don't know if I'm correct but I seem to remember BBM said she changed her cell # but that she couldn't change the landline. I may have her mixed up with someone else though...

BBM, document the call. In fact document all calls and the content. With this one, write down exactly what was said and what transpired afterward. Keep these records so that if and when you go to court and he makes false claims, you will have your accurate account.


There's a difference between giving up and knowing when you've had enough.

Posts: 579 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Somewhere Over The Rainbow
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 7:20 AM, August 22nd (Friday)

You are right, Chicky. I changed my cell but not my house number. I was hoping it wouldn't come that. I answered the phone, I don't have a voicemail. It just really shows his character and immaturity. Right before my son went to sleep, he said "I knew my Dad wouldn't call." He looked so heartbroken. Even though he was trying to put on a brave face, I know he desperately wanted to talk to him. It absolutely crushes me.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, August 22nd (Friday)

When your son has to face these painful realities of the situation you have to show him all the people who do love him, and reinforce that you love him and above all it's about dad being broken, not anything he did or didn't do.

I'm probably preaching to the choir on that.

I agree you need to start documenting his craziness, if he gets desperate or for some reason feels the need to be vindictive you need to be prepared. Get a spiral notebook, and keep it by the phone, and document any and all calls that he makes to the house. Date, Time, Content. Note if he requested to speak with son or not.

(((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8913 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, August 22nd (Friday)

He wasn't even mature enough to ask for his son?

I would bet he wasn't even calling about your son's birthday. That to me sounds like he was checking to see if you were home. I seriously doubt he remembered the boy's birthday.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8040 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
outtanowhere
Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, August 22nd (Friday)

My apologies BBM. I missed the whole part about it being the home phone number. I agree he was either checking to see if you were home or just trying to rattle your cage again. I'm never ceased to be amazed at how many adults decide to never grow up.


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 803 | Registered: Apr 2013
k94ever
Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, August 22nd (Friday)

Dear BBM,

I would bet that your son didn't really want to talk to him so much as to see that his Dad loved him enough to reach out to him.

(sigh)

Hard lesson for a 10 year old.................


k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6638 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, August 22nd (Friday)

I know that he knows it was his birthday but only because he has his name and birthdate tattooed on his chest! LOL! Everytime he looks in the mirror or looks down he sees it! I agree though, I am sure he wanted to check to see if I was actually home. But I am sure his main purpose was to look good. That backfired. One or two phone calls in 3 months doesn't exactly make anyone look good....

K9-I think that was part of it. He needed reassurance that his dad DOES love him. Unfortunately, he didn't get. It is a very hard lesson for a 10 year old. Hell it is a hard lesson for ME!


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, August 22nd (Friday)

I just wanted to tell you I think you are doing great. You sound strong. Keep your head up and keep moving forward.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 8111 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, August 22nd (Friday)

Thank you. I am really trying. It bothers me that he has the power that he has over me. Just hearing his voice yesterday, even though he was cussing because of me, gave me that funny feeling in my stomach. And I instantly teared up. I hate that he can do that. I wish that feeling would go away.

Don't get me wrong, I do not want him back. But I miss him. I miss who I thought he was. Weekly. Daily. Hourly. Constantly. AND I HATE THAT HE HAS THAT POWER!!!!


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, August 22nd (Friday)

I LOVE how you have gone from:

I miss my husband.

To:

I miss what we had...

To:

I miss who I thought he was.

This is HUGE progress. Way to go!!


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8040 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
redsox13
Member
Member # 43391
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, August 22nd (Friday)

Just want to add another voice - I think you are doing great. I am sure it doesn't feel like you are - but I think you and your son will be much better off for how you are doing.


BS - 45
WW - 43
In R for 5 years, still hurting but finally letting go

Posts: 329 | Registered: May 2014 | From: nh
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, August 23rd (Saturday)

OH MY GOSH!!! I got ANOTHER damn letter from the DFS, not from MY county, saying I am losing food stamps and my sons insurance because he moved out of the household!! It is dated AFTER they told me it was being investigated. I have been to BOTH counties and made numerous phone calls about this bullshit! I am so fed up with it ALL!! I don't know wgat else to do. I just want to cry.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
GonnaGetThru
Member
Member # 38817
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, August 23rd (Saturday)

Hugs, BBM. Any chance your lawyer could help you with this? I'm no lawyer but one would think this stuff falls under identity fraud or something. Food stamp fraud is a crime where I live, anyway. Ugh, I'm so sorry he's making you deal with this crap


BW (me): 30
WH (him): 31
Taking R one day at a time

"Every decision you make indicates what you believe you are worth."


Posts: 116 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: North Carolina
redsox13
Member
Member # 43391
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, August 23rd (Saturday)

I am a lawyer. One suggestion - try legal aid in your area. Another - see if you can talk to a social worker. Another - believe it or not - call you local congressman's office (they have people who do this all day - though if this is state they may not be willing to help).

What state are you in?


BS - 45
WW - 43
In R for 5 years, still hurting but finally letting go

Posts: 329 | Registered: May 2014 | From: nh
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, August 23rd (Saturday)

I am in Missouri. I spoke to a caseworker last week in the county he lives in and one in my county last month. There is a number on the bottom of the letter for me to call to request a hearing. I guess I will try that. I have called and called and that doesn't seem to be working. I am afraid I am going to be in some kind of trouble! That is just my luck! Right now it looks like I am trying to get assistance in 2 counties. HE is the one who needs to be in trouble. This is definitely food stamp fraud! And it is illegal here! I am going to try to talk to someone AGAIN on Monday. It is just so aggravating. This is the 1st time since my son was a baby that I have tried to get public assistance and this is the shit I have to deal with? Because of my lying, cheating, dopehead, alcoholic husband?!? Haven't I had to deal with enough bullshit lately WITHOUT this?

People say that God doesn't give you more than you can handle. Well obviously He has more faith in me than he should because I am really close to my breaking point!


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
StrongerOne
Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 11:29 PM, August 23rd (Saturday)

Try contacting your local t.v station. Lots of them have a feature on helping ordinary folks who are getting the runaround. It can be a good story for them, and they can put pressure on that will help you. It's worth a try.


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 906 | Registered: Sep 2012
redsox13
Member
Member # 43391
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, August 24th (Sunday)

Some suggestions:
You can report the fraud. For Missouri here are the contacts:
MO 877-770-8055 www.dss.mo.gov/dls/pafraud.htm
I would not do that yet, though. I would make clear to your case worker that your husband filed illegally though.

You can request emergency assistance from your case worker. some detail here:
http://missourifamilies.org/features/consumerarticles/foodstamps.htm

This is a link to the legal aid programs in Missouri. Some help with food stamp determinations.
http://www.courts.mo.gov/page.jsp?id=43918

They can REALLY help. I was a legal aid lawyer for a while - I was poor as dirt - but I was damn good at what I did. If there is a law school near you you might try seeing if the having a clinic as well.

You should definitely appeal your food stamp determination. Send me a PM and I may be able to help a little (I am not admitted in MO). Mostly appeals are about getting the paperwork together. Your tax returns for example.

Keep fighting.

[This message edited by redsox13 at 7:30 AM, August 24th (Sunday)]


BS - 45
WW - 43
In R for 5 years, still hurting but finally letting go

Posts: 329 | Registered: May 2014 | From: nh
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, August 25th (Monday)

Just left the DFS office, AGAIN. Another day that I had to leave work early to deal with this bs. They said that everything should be fixed now. I even had paperwork from my sons school stating that he is in my custody. One of the papers I got said he wasn't living with me so I assume my bastard H tried saying he had him. Hahaha never going to happen, EVER!!!

They are supposed to be investigating him still. But she said most likely, he will just be penalized for a year and not be able to receive any assistance. So just a slap on the wrist while I deal with all of the hassle, stress and worry. Imagine that.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
blindsided81
Member
Member # 44206
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, August 25th (Monday)

Again, I am so sorry you are going through this. I always check your thread to see if you updated, because I know you are trying so hard to be strong for your son.

The birthday tugged at my heart. I hope it was good and your son was able to enjoy it.

Keep strong, and know that lots of people are rooting for you!!


Me, BW 51
WH, 47
OW, ttw (trailer trash whore)
DD, 7/21/14
Separated, divorcing his ass as soon as I possibly can!!

Posts: 167 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: North Carolina
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, August 26th (Tuesday)

Say strong BBM - You got this, and I agree when one needs assistance it seems as though that's who they single out to make it the most difficult for. In what I do, I see it over and over, and have come to the conclusion that they make it difficult for one reason.
So people quit trying, and the state doesn't have to pay out the benefit.

Hang in there. You are getting stronger each day, I see it in your posts.

(((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8913 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, August 26th (Tuesday)

I am trying so hard but I feel like just when I take a step or two forward, I am shoved back 10! I hate that I even have to rely on help from the state. I shouldn't have to. I should have my husband home helping to support our son and IT PISSES ME OFF to no end! I just can't believe what it has came to. What my life has came to....UGH!


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, August 26th (Tuesday)

LCB (lying, cheating bastard) just called me. He has union papers that need to be signed by me because we are still married. Said that without my signature he can't get union benefits. Then he wanted to know why I changed my number without telling him. I said because I didn't want him or his whore having my number. And that the only time he texted was to be ignorant to me. He told me that was real mature and I said "like you calling here and saying fuck she answered and hanging up?" He said he was pissed because I one upped him by changing my number. Really?! Is this a game? Should I have been taking score? I know I am losing if it is. How do I know he is winning? Because now I am crying. I miss hearing that voice tell me he loves me. I miss my hysband. Even with everything that has went on, I love him. Why? What is wrong with me? I know my marriage is over. I know the man I loved is as good as dead. So why does just hearing his voice do this to me? I hate what he has become. I hate the person he is. But I love the man I married. I don't understand how I can hate someone so much and love them at the same time.

Anyway, he wants to come over here Thursday and get the stuff he was supposed to get Saturday. I told him I don't want to see him. He said to put his stuff on the sidewalk aand he will leave the papers on the fence. I can sign them and he will be back in an hour to get them. I am not signing anything. What do I do?

I am so tired of all of this. What did I ever do to deserve this? I just want the pain to end. See what I mean about 2steps forward and then getting shoved back 10? I hate that I let him have this much control over me.

He has union papers for me? So he is making union wages? But I am struggling to pay bills and had to spend I don't know how many hours trying to fix the food stamp situation? The one he caused? The last papers I got he was working at KFC. That isn't union, is it? Something isn't adding up.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
ArkLaMiss
Member
Member # 14918
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, August 26th (Tuesday)

Make copies of those papers BUT do NOT sign them! Take them to your attorney. He's already commited fraud with food stamps, so who's to say this won't be a repeat?


Just HOW stupid do you think I am, exactly?

Posts: 1247 | Registered: Jun 2007
Freeme
Member
Member # 31946
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, August 27th (Wednesday)

I agree - make copies but do not sign. If it's true you should be able to get child support garnished. Talk to a lawyer and get his stuff out of your house.

Back to NC -- no new hurt


Posts: 272 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Washington DC
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, August 27th (Wednesday)

Any chance he would fax them to you prior to the weekend so you can review them. If he is at a union job he should be paying for health insurance for your son at a minimum.
The sooner you can get that ball rolling the better off you are.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8913 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, August 27th (Wednesday)

After I posted, I got to thinking that this all sounds fishy. So I texted my cousin, to text his friend, to text him. I deleted all numbers associated with him. I asked him to let him know that I did NOT want him coming to my house and I would NOT be signing anything until my lawyer had went over them so he could mail them to me and we would go over them. So he calls me back at midnight, PISSED OFF, yelling and cussing at me! He said that I was being a stupid bitch and that he had tried for 3 months to get his stuff and I was keeping it from him. Really? I sat it outside 2 weeks ago when he claimed he was coming to get it. I spent my entire Saturday packing HIS stuff up. He didn't show! Not one mention of his child, just his stuff! Which by the way, none of it is worth anything! He said that he would just have his lawyer decide what to do about his stuff. I said that was a great idea and while he was talking to the lawyer, he should file for divorce. He started cussing me again and telling me that I was being immature. I just hung up on him. He called back 2x and I just hung up as soon as he started in. Then I just took the phone off the hook.

He didn't get the reaction that he was expecting and it really bothered him. He was expecting me to kiss his ass, like I always have. It was hard to stand up to him and I honestly, almost caved in. But I didn't. I cried for a long time and it really hurt to hear him cuss me. But I survived. I can do this.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
outtanowhere
Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, August 27th (Wednesday)

Just wow BBM! I know that had to hard to hear but, I am SO proud of you girl! I'm thankful that you are able to see it for what it is and not what you long for it to be.

He's defiantly up to something and putting your signature on anything attached to him could come back to haunt you. Stay strong but, stay vigilant because you already know he is a liar and a thief.

You are doing fantastic!


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 803 | Registered: Apr 2013
brokenblackbird
Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, August 27th (Wednesday)

Why would the wife he is separated from need to sign his union papers? I have honestly never heard of a wife signing a husband's employment papers... I agree with previous posters, it smells fishy.

You are being so strong, BBM! It hurts. It sucks. And I know you don't want to do it, but you are doing it and doing it well. You've got this.


Posts: 857 | Registered: Sep 2010
Hopetosurvive98
Member
Member # 33842
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, August 27th (Wednesday)

BBM-good for you! I know it hurt but you stood up to him and did not allow him to manipulate you. It pissed him off because he is used to manipulating you to save his ass and this time it didnt work. He is so mad he threw out the line and you were no longer taking his bait.

Smart girl! Never sign a damn thing without your lawyer! That union paperwork sounds very fishy and is possibly another scam he is running.

As for his "stuff" maybe you need to document when you put it out on the sidewalk via photos with a time stamp. Also be sure that someone you trust is there when he picks up his things. Better yet allow his lawyer to deal with the transfer of his items as he stated.

It is hurtful, it is hard, and I understand the pain of how he was speaking to you. He is mad because he wants control and wants to be able to live this exciting drug fueled fantasy with his OW and have you waiting at home to use when needed. You have been in an unhealthy cycle for so long that it is like breaking an addiction to break away from him. You're doing it. You know now who he really is and you see it. You have done so well. He wants his control back and wants to know when he needs you that you will be there.

Expect more insanity from him. I highly advise to defer to your attorney and have all communication go through him/her. The contact is painful and sets you back and really accomplishes little else. Provide your WH with your lawyers information and advise that communication needs to go that route for your sanity.
Good for you BBM, your getting so strong.


Me: BS 36
Him:WS 36
DDay 9/8/11, 3yr LTA
Her: super classy coworker, 44, involved in many A's including several other coworkers.

Posts: 439 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: The beautiful south
Charity411
Member
Member # 41033
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, August 27th (Wednesday)

I think he wants you to sign something so he can get a copy of your signature. He is already applying for assistance using your name so he probably wants to forge your signature on whatever documents he is providing to them.

I handle human resources and payroll for my city and we have two different unions. I have never heard of a spouse needing to sign anything related to unions.

[This message edited by Charity411 at 11:56 AM, August 27th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 413 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Illinois
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, August 27th (Wednesday)

I agree, he wants my signature for something. I don't believe for a minute that he needs it for his union paperwork. He said that is so that he can start to receive his 401k and benefits. Again, I don't believe that. I did at first...I think because I was caught off guard and in shock. But after I actually started thinking, it doesn't sound right. My uncle is a foreman for a big union company and I texted him today asking him about it. Just to be sure. But no, I will not sign anything without being 100% sure what it is.

Honestly, I think he is panicking. His whore goes to court tomorrow. I am sure that it will be postponed but he is probably stressing. He is going to need somewhere to live. He probably thought he could use the paperwork as an excuse to come to the house and then start weaseling back in. It almost worked. Just hearing him really set me back.

He actually had the nerve to say "is there a reason you changed your number without telling me?" Really?!! Yes! Because of him and his whore and their bullshit!! And that I one upped him?! Really? Wow. Just WOW.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, August 27th (Wednesday)

Don't sign anything, whether it's legit or not.

Tell him you will show it to your attorney and get his advice first...and you need to do that about anything and everything right now. He is allowing you and your DS to go without, to struggle, while he and his whore collect food stamps..that he recieved by using you and your son. FUCK.THAT.

Don't do him ANY favors. NONE.

Stop answering the phone. Leave his shit on the curb and tell him to come and get it before someone else does. I wouldn't even allow him contact with your child right now. He is doing nothing but causing that boy more pain and confusion.

Have you filed for divorce yet?


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 8111 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, August 27th (Wednesday)

No, I haven't filed. I have the paperwork filled out and have paid some down on it. My lawyer will start the process after more is paid.

I am not letting him talk to my son, not that he even bothered to ask about him. He doesn't care! That is painfully obvious. He definitely has something up his sleeve, I just don't know what.

My uncle said there is absolutely nothing that I would need to sign so who knows what he actually had....doesn't matter. I am NOT doing anything for him. I don't owe him any favors.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
hopingforhappy
Member
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, August 28th (Thursday)

If he has a 401(k) and wanted to do something with it (like cash it out), he would need you to sign something, as you have some rights to it as his spouse. Do have an attorney review anything he asks you to sign. You don't want him going off and spending money that could benefit you and your son.


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1380 | Registered: Aug 2010
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, August 28th (Thursday)

Yup - If he has a 401k and is wanting to cash it, you both have to sign off on it.

DO NOT allow him to do so and if you a beneficiary on it, call the bank/lending company that it's through and tell them that they need to contact you for verification if he attempts to cash it, because you have not consented.
Desperate people do desperate things, and it won't be beyond him to have his OW sign it, and say it was your sig.

Stay one step ahead.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8913 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
hopingforhappy
Member
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, August 28th (Thursday)

We just moved my FWH's 401(k) to a new financial institution and in order to do so, I had to sign some paperwork. If I recall correctly, my signature had to be notarized. Helps to prevent fraud. Hopefully, that is a universal rule and will keep OW from forging your signature.


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1380 | Registered: Aug 2010
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, August 28th (Thursday)

He shouldn't have a 401k because IF he has a union job, he has only been working at it for a month or so. He shouldn't have enough invested to cash. I don't believe he is working anywhere but KFC. For one thing, I would imagine that he would have to be drug tested for one and 2nd, I think MOST places would not want to hire a convicted felon. Especially one who has stolen from a previous employer....just my opinion!!


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, August 28th (Thursday)

Whatever the reason, I would suspect he has ulterior motives, and would not sign anything. I would also let his PO know that you have signed nothing for him either. Who knows maybe they just want some validation that he is behaving, and working, and staying with you.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8913 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, August 28th (Thursday)

Ugh. I am mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted. I felt like I was starting to pull myself out of this dark hole. But lately I feel like I am falling back into it! I know it gets worse when be contacts me. That is why I changed my number!

I am just so tired of putting on a brave face and a smile when I feel so dead and empty inside. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I still don't sleep. I have maybe slept 6hrs in over a week. And that is only because I have taken sleeping aids and I hate that. I hate that now I have to rely on anti-depressants to even be able to pretend to function.

I have so much stress and worry now. It is killing me. How long until I feel somewhat normal again? When does it end? Seeing the pain in my sons eyes when he says things like "I don't have a Dad anymore." is more than I can take. This is killing me.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
bent44
Member
Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 11:52 PM, August 28th (Thursday)

Please know you are normal in what you are feeling. While I won't even presume to give a timeline for healing (although 2-5 years is often said here), healing is not linear. For me, it seems with time (yes I hate that word too), the lows stop going so low and the highs get higher as I heal. But none of that changes the circular nature of the healing process. You may head down that dark hole more times than anyone cares to, but you won't go as deep down, and it will be easier to follow the light back up. This I can all but promise you.

I have also tried to alter my perception about feeling low. Some say the down time is our psyches way of asking us to slow down... Not because we are beaten, but because we need the energy for our next leap towards healing. If we can't listen, we don't have the energy to move forward. Sometimes this shift in thinking helps, and sometimes I just get flipping stuck, and trudge along.

Please don't take these platitudes as demeaning... I truly get where you are! I am almost four years out, and things are SO much better. I am not sure when I passed through the stage you are now in, but it did pass.

If I am reading correctly, you are pretty early in this journey. Please honor the trauma you are enduring by giving yourself permission to feel crappy, tired, worn out... And hang in there. It does get better.

Just wondering? Have you gotten angry yet?

Do you have a place you can go to drop the brave face and let loose... cry, yell, crumble? Even for a little bit to help release some of the pressure?

Sleep deprivation is a nasty beast. It may be time to consider a trip to the doc. I resisted this suggestion for far too long, and wound up with a nasty case of PTSD (sleep dep and other issues). Damned pride cost me there. Much better now!

As they say, when you are going through hell, keep going.

Please know you are heard and supported here. And please feel free to ignore any and all of the above. Bottom line.... sending you a hug and the beverage of your choice tonight! Hang in there!



"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."


I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.

Update...he


Posts: 730 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:27 AM, August 29th (Friday)

This is normal.
This is something that you have to really work hard to not let happen.
Grieve the loss of the relationship, and your H just like you would had he died.

But like that you have to limit the times you allow yourself to breakdown, and let it out. Especially since you have your son who wants to help and protect you. That's not his job.

You can and will make it through this, and you will be smarter, stronger, wiser, and more awesome than before.

Hang in there. Do some positive self talk today.
Then do something nice for yourself.

(((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8913 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, August 29th (Friday)

I stay mad!! That is why I don't understand still missing him. I do not understand this at all! I spend half of my shower crying, my son hasn't seen me cry in a long time. He doesn't need to see that anymore. He has already seen too much.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, August 29th (Friday)

It's normal. It's ok. The less you interact with him the better you will be. I don't know if you ever did any work other than that let down of the first Alanon meeting but you could use some more of it.
As you learn to understand and learn coping skills it will become easier.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8913 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
deena04
Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, August 29th (Friday)

Yes, grief is normal and can be good therapy because you get it out there and deal with it. It's ok to cry and be sad, but remember to make your choices with your head and not consumed by grief just to make sure you are ok. :)


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
L-I-B-E-R-A-T-I-N-G ME

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Dec 2013
GonnaGetThru
Member
Member # 38817
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, August 29th (Friday)

I can't remember which thread I mentioned this about NarAnon or AlAnon meetings but I found it to be a good place to cry or vent. I felt very safe from judgment and also didn't have to do it alone. I met some amazingly strong people in that group. I too would hide my sadness from my kids. But after awhile I realized that isolating myself wasn't good either. Don't get me wrong, SI is a wonderful place but without some IRL support too, you can isolate yourself into depression quickly. I say this because I am very introverted and an only child so often I prefer to be alone to cope. But I realize sometimes I really do need to get out around people. A group meeting was waaay out of my comfort zone at the time. But when you're dealing with addicts or alcoholics, honestly, the people in those meetings are really the few people who truly get what it's like.

I'm wondering if fueling some of your anger into making your house feel like YOURS might help. As in repainting, rearranging furniture, whatever YOU like might help. I know from experience, my house made me trigger a lot early on. Too many memories, good and bad. Doing the above kinda helped me with that.


BW (me): 30
WH (him): 31
Taking R one day at a time

"Every decision you make indicates what you believe you are worth."


Posts: 116 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: North Carolina
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, September 2nd (Tuesday)

Another holiday weekend/1st in the books. I spent a lot of time with my son this weekend and some just me time. I actually got my hair cut and colored. The cut was something my H was totally against so I just never did it. It was really liberating to see the hair on the floor.

I finally took all of the wedding and family pictures down. I only left one of my H and son, only because my son asked me to. I plan on putting it in his room but a little at a time. It was very emotional to take down the final pictures. But I survived it.

I am realizing that my house is a huge trigger. Everything is just as it was when he walked out. So I am taking the steps to change that. Paint is next! I haven't painted in awhile so I didn't realize the cost of paint! Wow! Anyway, I am slowly making my house mine and I am slowly getting ME back. It hurts like hell. But I have no other choice. This is my new reality.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
GonnaGetThru
Member
Member # 38817
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, September 2nd (Tuesday)

Yay, BBM! Glad to hear you do something nice for yourself :-) I think you are way stronger than you think you are.

P.S.- If you have a Lowe's up your way, their Valspar Ultra paint & primer in one is great. I painted my kitchen, living room, and a small hallway with 1/2 a gallon Think I got it for about $20.


BW (me): 30
WH (him): 31
Taking R one day at a time

"Every decision you make indicates what you believe you are worth."


Posts: 116 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: North Carolina
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, September 2nd (Tuesday)

Check your local Craigslist for paint. I have found great deals ($5-$10 per gallon) Then you can take it and have it tinted to the color you want.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8040 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, September 2nd (Tuesday)

Surprise, surprise. I am feeling okay today. Guess who calls? Does he have some kind of radar? Does he know when I am okay? Was it Tuesday last week when he called?

I didn't give him much of a chance to talk. He asked if he could come get his stuff tomorrow. I said yes and it will be on the sidewalk at 530. And I hung up. I started shaking and my heart started pounding as soon as I heard his voice. Why?!? Why can he do this to me? I have tears in my eyes as I am typing this! My son heard my end of the conversation so he knew it was his dad. He asked why he didn't get to talk to him. Because the bastard doesn't give a shit about him! Only the worthless junk that is here. Then he wanted to know if he could see him tomorrow. How do I handle that? I know he will just lie to him. So either way, my son gets hurt, AGAIN!!

I want him to get his useless shit so he doesn't have that as an excuse to contact me. But I know then is when he will start using my son. He hasn't seen him in almost 4 months and hasn't really tried either. Hell, he hasn't even tried to call him much less see him!! I am just so tired of this nonsense.

Oh but on a brighter note....my bil just happens to wear the same size jeans as LCB....so yep, you guessed it. I gave him ALL of his jeans. Just wait until he realizes THAT!! I HAD TO DO SOMETHING TO MAKE ME SMILE!!! Life is a bitch and so are women scorned....


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, September 2nd (Tuesday)

Surprise, surprise. I am feeling okay today. Guess who calls? Does he have some kind of radar? Does he know when I am okay? Was it Tuesday last week when he called?

I didn't give him much of a chance to talk. He asked if he could come get his stuff tomorrow. I said yes and it will be on the sidewalk at 530. And I hung up. I started shaking and my heart started pounding as soon as I heard his voice. Why?!? Why can he do this to me? I have tears in my eyes as I am typing this! My son heard my end of the conversation so he knew it was his dad. He asked why he didn't get to talk to him. Because the bastard doesn't give a shit about him! Only the worthless junk that is here. Then he wanted to know if he could see him tomorrow. How do I handle that? I know he will just lie to him. So either way, my son gets hurt, AGAIN!!

I want him to get his useless shit so he doesn't have that as an excuse to contact me. But I know then is when he will start using my son. He hasn't seen him in almost 4 months and hasn't really tried either. Hell, he hasn't even tried to call him much less see him!! I am just so tired of this nonsense.

Oh but on a brighter note....my bil just happens to wear the same size jeans as LCB....so yep, you guessed it. I gave him ALL of his jeans. Just wait until he realizes THAT!! I HAD TO DO SOMETHING TO MAKE ME SMILE!!! Life is a bitch and so are women scorned....


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, September 2nd (Tuesday)

He probably won't show up AGAIN. How many times will this be now?

You need to take control of this situation and his precious (worthless) shit.

Pick the day that your trash is picked up. Call him and tell him to come and get his crap on THAT day. Make sure you tell him to be there BEFORE the trash truck or it's going to be picked up by them & gone.

If he shows up & gets it, fine. If not, it goes to the dump. Either way, you're done.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8040 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, September 3rd (Wednesday)

I was just about to post the exact thing that Sadtoo did.
Take control. That will alleviate some of the anxiety you have when he calls out of the blue, because you don't have the ability to psych yourself up.

You got this and you know you are right. So no need to listen to ANY of his BS. Call him and say "You will have one last opportunity to collect your belongings which are at this residence. Please be here by Noon on X date. If you do not collect them by that time, they will be disposed of as I assume you do not want them.
Do NOT give him the chance to respond, just hang up. Then you have control, he hasn't attempted to manipulate you, and you will have an end date of his idiotic out of the blue bullshit calls.

Oh and the Valspar is great. We used it to repaint many rooms in our home. Lowes often has a coupon available that if you spend $50.00 you get $10.00 off too. So look for that.
Start making your home your place. Rearrange furniture. Change it up. Get some new Deco from Good Will/Salvation Army or any other second hand stores around. It's amazing what cool stuff you can get at Garage sale prices.

(((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8913 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Freeme
Member
Member # 31946
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, September 3rd (Wednesday)

I'm not as experienced as most of the others but wanted to add another option.

While he deserves to have his stuff thrown out... he has been playing this "game" of not showing for so long. He and other woman both have a messed up sense of revenge -- Throwing his stuff out might land you in a boat load of drama.

But... having him call and not show, having to carry his stuff in and out, and the worry that he might show... is a great deal of drama of it's own.

You have said that you drive by his fathers car shop daily. You might want to consider dropping his stuff off just to be rid of it - he will have no reason to call or stop by.


Posts: 272 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Washington DC
Hopetosurvive98
Member
Member # 33842
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, September 3rd (Wednesday)

BBM-you are doing great! Im in total agreement with everyone else about his precious "things". You having his junk gives him an "in," a reason to communicate. Cut it off right now. Just as others said if he doesnt come tomorrow at 5 to get his things tell him they will be left out for the trash man to collect if he doesnt come to get it. Also another idea is having someone come pickup his shit and dumping it at his whores house.

Are you getting closer to being able to file? I think getting that hammered out will be a huge relief to you.

I am so sorry your sweet son is hurting. Your WH simply doesnt care about the pain he causes that child. Is he in counseling? I think counseling through school would help. He needs someplace to talk about his feelings and sometimes it is hard to do that with family and having that outside person is helpful. Sadly, it is far to complex for a child to understand but his father is like poison for him at this time. Your son will only be further hurt by communication with your WH. Just keep loving him and supporting him and doing the best you can to protect him.
We are so proud of you BBM, youve come so far and have gotten so strong.


Me: BS 36
Him:WS 36
DDay 9/8/11, 3yr LTA
Her: super classy coworker, 44, involved in many A's including several other coworkers.

Posts: 439 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: The beautiful south
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, September 3rd (Wednesday)

I have thought about taking his things to the shop. I don't care if his old clothes or even family pictures get ruined. But I hate for his grandpa's things to get ruined. Those things are not replaceable and have sentimental value but that is all. My cousin did have a good point, I may think that all of this stuff is worthless (and it is) but to him, it is all he has left. He has thrown everything else away. I think he will show up today. I don't know, he has done this so much. BUT this time, I will NOT be taking it back in. If he doesn't show, not my problem. It will sit out there until he does or someone takes it. Enough is enough.

I worked out a plan with my aunt so that my son will not be home. She hurt her back so he is going to go "help" her after school and she is going to pay him. That way it doesn't look like I don't want him seeing his Dad, which I DON'T! But this way, I don't look like the bad guy. It was his decision to go.

I am not even going to go outside IF he does show. I don't even know if I will have my car there or not. I have a friend that is going to be there with me for moral support. I hope he does show and we can get this part over.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
WeepingBuddhist
Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, September 3rd (Wednesday)

Another good place to find paint is to see if Habitat for Humanity has a ReStore in your area. Or depending on how much you need (always prime--primer is expensive but worth it, even if you can only do one room a month!!!) check with the Lowes or Home Depot--they usually have a gallons of something that didn't get picked up or got mixed wrong in carts by the paint dept.

Sounds like things are getting just a little bit better (I'm not on much lately) and I am soooo proud of you. I know it's been hard but you know that everyone here is pulling for you!


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 676 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, September 3rd (Wednesday)

The Lowes and Home Depot (don't use a debit card though ) usually do have a shelf by their mixers that has off tint, mistinted paints and they are cheap. I have bought and used to pain my hive boxes. gotten as little as a pint for $2.50, and as much as a gallon for $11.00.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8913 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, September 4th (Thursday)

He did show up. He didn't even come in the yard, just got his things and left. I stayed inside with a friend. He did have an ankle monitor on, I was kind of unsure if that was the truth or not. After looking at the inmate search, it says he is living in a community support center. Guess his whore's legal trouble caught up and he can't live with her anymore. It was very hard for me and I cried most of the evening. My home phone rang 3 times and it wasn't any of my family. I am sure it was him. I finally took the phone off the hook.

And it only got worse. He reactivated his Facebook account and of course I had several people texting to tell me what he was posting. First, he put "to be continued" who knows what that meant. But then the bullshit with his whore started. She posted "I LOVE YOU" and he posted back how much he loved her and how he loved her more than he had ever loved anyone. Well I am the only other person he has ever loved so that was obviously for my benefit. Then he posted to a mutual acquaintance that he would like to file for divorce but I can't afford to pay my half! Really? I have asked him numerous times for half and then we could file. And HE never has it and usually makes some kind of snide remark. So even though I deactivated MY Facebook, I still have to hear. OH and at first he had his relationship status as separated but now he is in a relationship with his whore. I told everyone that I do NOT want to hear it. It is only hurting me worse. I have cried nonstop AGAIN.

When does the pain end? Why does he purposefully have to hurt me? He KNEW that someone would tell me what he is posting. How can he have no conscience and not care about anything? How can he be so proud of the fact that he is cheating on his wife, walked away from his son and is hurting us?!? It is like he is bragging! He has destroyed the 2 people that loved him more than anything and DOESN'T GIVE A DAMN!!! What happened to the man I married and fell in love with? That man would have NEVER wanted to hurt me and sure wouldn't have wanted to hurt his son! I am so hurt. It is like day #1 all over again.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:44 AM, September 4th (Thursday)

Stop. Stop allowing yourself to give him headspace with the how can he, coulda woulda shoulda.
He is an ass, that was an addict even when you were in a "good" space.
It's ok to grieve, but you cannot allow yourself to spiral down. Think about the real gift in all of this. YOU no longer have to tolerate his addictions, his abuse, and his craziness.
Anyone with any sense at all is going to see his FB nonsense for what it is.
Now today is a fresh day, and his shit is gone from your home, so one less thing to worry about and deal with.
You are working toward being able to file. Each paycheck gets you closer.
Keep pushing along, and do something fun for you and your son today.

(((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8913 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Hopetosurvive98
Member
Member # 33842
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, September 4th (Thursday)

BBM I am glad that part is behind you. He came to get his things and now he can stop bothering you about them. Also excellent job in keeping your son away and therefore safe from being hurt in that particular situation.

As for the FB stuff, you need to make it crystal clear to everyone who is telling you about his posts that they need to stop. Tell them how hurtful it is to you. Im am sure that if they care for you and see how deeply it hurts you that they will stop. He is posting these things of FB because he is a fool. He is still married and he is openly and publicly flaunting his affair. He is a damn fool. I guess the drugs make him believe that these acts do not make him look like a stupid ass. Everyone knows he has abandoned his wife and son for a drug dealing criminal but he publicly announces it...crazy. You cannot try to make sense of nonsense. Stop wasting headspace trying to understand. Your only concern is you and your son.
Refocus today on you and continue on the path you have been on. Paint the house, rearrange furntiture-make it yours. You have come so far, too far, so keep your chin up and keep moving. Do not let his stupid, crazy, drug addicted bullshit pull you down.
I hope you can kick the D process off very soon. You need this chapter behind you and to have everything carved out and clear such as child support, etc. This will simplify your life and allow truly a new start.
((((BBM))))


edited to add that I agree 100% tushnurse. Read her post again and again. It is so true.

[This message edited by Hopetosurvive98 at 9:06 AM, September 4th (Thursday)]


Me: BS 36
Him:WS 36
DDay 9/8/11, 3yr LTA
Her: super classy coworker, 44, involved in many A's including several other coworkers.

Posts: 439 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: The beautiful south
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, September 4th (Thursday)

He is definitely an ass! I just don't understand it, I know that I obviously NEVER will. I know that I am going to be better off, eventually, without him and his added stress. I can finally see clear enough to know that my relationship was never as good as I pretended it was. I had red flags waving all over the place! I was just too stupid, too blind, and too in love to see the writing that was BOLDLY written on the wall!

I was actually surprised that he showed up. He was late. Big surprise. And I am sure he will keep calling. I know he wants to bitch about the jeans. But honestly, I gave him the things he ASKED for....I made it quite clear that it hurts me to hear those things and I DO NOT CARE how much he loves her. He loves what she is...a dopehead loser JUST LIKE HIM. I couldn't and wouldn't be that person. I represent responsibilities and real life. She is all fun and games. At least for now....but the karma bus is hitting them. Trouble is catching up. We will see how much fun she is then.

Edited to add: I took my wedding rings off today. Just another kick while I am down....they don't mean anything anymore. Maybe they never did.

[This message edited by BaseballMom31 at 1:26 PM, September 4th (Thursday)]


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, September 4th (Thursday)

Stop beating yourself up.

You made a big move, and have made such great progress. It's not going to be all better overnight, in a week, a month, or even a year. It takes time. Remember 2-5 years. NO matter what path you choose.

Now why don't you take those rings to the nearest gold place, and cash those suckers out, and get all new bedding, and paint for your master room.

Seriously do something big and fun and good for you!!!!


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8913 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
k8la
Member
Member # 38408
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, September 4th (Thursday)

Sell the rings and fund your divorce - your liberation fund is in your hand!

Posts: 174 | Registered: Feb 2013
bent44
Member
Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, September 4th (Thursday)

BBM, please know it takes awhile for your heart to catch up and feel what your head already knows. Don't disparage yourself about this. Let your head lead right now. Your heart is too broken. Life will settle in, and when it does, you can create space for your heart to catch up and heal.

You would never do what he did... this is what makes it so hard to accept!!

Now, onto practical matters. Love that you cut your hair!!!!

If $ is a factor, the Hazardous Materials Department of our local landfill gives out free paint. Some of it leftovers from contractors in the original cans, and some big buckets that they mix on site. May be worth a call to your local dump.

The BEST thing I did for myself early on was purchase a cordless drill. Nothing like a power tool for empowerment. My anger fueled some major home improvements. Even built an entire patio set from reclaimed wood... Who knew?

You sound like such a strong lady! Use your outrage to create a wonderful new home. You've got this!!!!



"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."


I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.

Update...he


Posts: 730 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
cosmicjoke
Member
Member # 39159
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, September 5th (Friday)

Also don't forget craigslist for free or cheap paint. Also searching through the Free Stuff or the For Sale section could be a welcome distraction for you or maybe even your son too, to do together. It's fun looking for stuff or even just reading the ads, some of them are absurd and hilarious (intentionally or not)! It could give you something to focus on (even just for a few moments) and look forward to, to get some free/cheap furniture, decor or stuff for projects, to help make a new home. Just for some temporary relief from the painful part of your reality.. & maybe even some laughs.
I am amazed at how well you're doing. It's especially painful when the other party who betrays & abandons you- turns against you and tries to make you the bad guy. What he's doing is just plain ABUSE. It doesn't make any sense, and your brain keeps trying to make sense out of it, but you can't make sense out of insanity.

Posts: 256 | Registered: May 2013
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, September 9th (Tuesday)

And the hits just keep coming. I am so done with all of this nonsense. Along with his anal warts and learning all of the new information over the weekend, now I am pretty sure he is threatening me on Facebook. Tell me what you think....here is what he posted: "Seriously, why would someone want to keep someones simple possessions, just to be a bitch and make things harder??????? Time to quit playing nice, I guess, havoc will be unleashed this weekend......"

Really?! When has he been nice? When he started cheating years ago? When he contracted anal warts? When he took another woman to a concert, IN MY CAR? When he abandoned his son? Because I honestly missed him being "nice"!

Not very smart for someone on house arrest AND parole to post something like thay on Facebook. He is nuts.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, September 9th (Tuesday)

While what he is doing may not be illegal, he is certainly being an ass and harrassing you.

Have you considered calling his parole officer and telling them what he is doing? Tell them about the food stamp mess, the promising to come get his shit/not showing up/calling you names and threatening you on facebook, the harassing phone calls from him and OW..etc...etc.

Maybe the parole officer could tell him to knock it off.

Maybe I missed it, but why don't you pack his shit up and ask a friend to deliver it to his parents house?

It doesn't surprise me at all that he is saying that shit on facebook. He wants everyone to think this is all your fault. He knows it';s not..he knows he is a POS..but he is doing damage control.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 8111 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, September 9th (Tuesday)

I packed up his stuff and he came got it last week. Now he wants dvd's. Oh and stolen jewelry. I gave him everything he asked for!

I agree, he is definitely trying to make me look bad and place the blame on me. I have been A LOT nicer than I should have especially with everything he has done. He hasn't seen bitch yet!

I do believe a call to his po is going to be necessary. This wasn't a very smart move AT ALL.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
Charity411
Member
Member # 41033
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, September 9th (Tuesday)

Why are you looking at his facebook page. You know nothing he is going to say is true. So why aggravate yourself.

Posts: 413 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Illinois
cissi
Member
Member # 21737
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, September 9th (Tuesday)

Make sure you take a screen shot of that post.

Posts: 1450 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Southern California
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, September 9th (Tuesday)

Do NOT give him another thing until you are ordered to do so by your attorney or divorce judge.

Stop reading his nonsense on Facebook. Who cares what he says?


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8040 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, September 9th (Tuesday)

I don't look at his Facebook. I don't even have an account anymore. That post was sent to me so that I can be prepared for whatever it is he is planning. He is crazy, I am NOT just saying that. He has mental issues, is off his meds and doing God only knows what drugs. I don't know what he is capable of at this point!

I would like to think that he really isn't THAT stupid....but he has proven otherwise.....


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
Hopetosurvive98
Member
Member # 33842
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, September 11th (Thursday)

BBM-Well, it sounds like you have a firm grasp on just who you are dealing with here. It is all about you and your son from now on. If he is making threats then you need to have that printed and keep as proof. While I totally agree that you shouldnt look at his social media (and I know you do not, but friends do)I absolutely believe if he is saying anything that can be perceived as a threat you need to keep that proof. You may need to go to the police and seek an RO on him,start a paper trail. I also believe that you need to contact his PO on this issue and the food stamp issue. You say he has mental issues and is off his meds and we all know he is using meth, these factors make him a wild card and who knows what he is capable of. Please let family know what is going on and do whatever you need to do to stay safe. Maybe add dead bolts to the doors if you do not have them and anything you think is a weak spot in the house have addressed. I am one to always air on the side of caution with safety and crazy people. So please print evidence of threats and take to the police. Maybe it will be a violation for him and he can go to jail, I dont know but protect yourself and your son.

Also, it might be wise to let the school know what is going on. I worry about your WH showing up at his school to pick him up, etc. If it were me I would let them know. I let my sons school know what was happening after the A so they could keep a watchful eye on my son and be supportive of him through the changes that were occurring at home. It was a good thing in my case as they were wonderfully supportive of him and kept an eye on his behavior.

How close are you to paying the lawyer and getting the D process rolling?? You need to remove this man from your life asap. Can you take the rings and get some money and pay the attorney? I know that might be too hard and asking too much, I'm just thinking out loud. You and your child need to be removed and protected from these people.

Keep posting BBM. I know you are experiencing so much right now. If you look through your posts you can see how far you have come in this process. you are fully aware of who this man is now. The great thing is after this storm passes you and your son can have a bright future without this drug fueled crazy drama. It will get better. As Winston Churchill so wisely said "If you're going through hell, keep going." You WILL come out the other side.


Me: BS 36
Him:WS 36
DDay 9/8/11, 3yr LTA
Her: super classy coworker, 44, involved in many A's including several other coworkers.

Posts: 439 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: The beautiful south
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, September 11th (Thursday)

You really need to get your divorce filed too. You know the old saying? First one to the courthouse wins? There is a lot of truth to that.

Even though you don't "want" a divorce, you NEED to file first so you can get your demands in place. Otherwise you're going to end up jumping through hoops playing defense to his demands.

File now. Get the child custody in place and the house situation put in place.

Please don't wait any longer to do this. You don't want to be playing defense to a crazy person. Take my word for it. It's no fun.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8040 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, September 11th (Thursday)

I hope by November to be able to file for divorce. Fingers crossed, anyway. I know without a doubt that the man I loved, married and had a child with no longer exists. Honestly, I don't think he ever did. I think he put on one helluva act for as long as he possibly could and THIS is the real person. Sure wish I had found out years ago.....or maybe paid more attention to the signs.

His latest Facebook rant is directed toward his daughter and her mom. I am printing everything out that is posted. As of right now, I don't think I have enough for a restraining order. But his craziness is out in full force so he will sink his own ship soon.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
outtanowhere
Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, September 12th (Friday)

It's incredible to me how an addict will literally blame everybody around them. They absolutely refuse to see that they alone are responsible for their miserable circumstances. I guess because they feel like they are such good people minus a few minor flaws like drugs, lying and, infidelity.

Try to see it for what it is...selfish, childish behavior. A grown man lying on the floor in the check out lane of the grocery store, throwing a temper tantrum because he didn't get the candy bar he wanted. Sadly, he probably never emotionally matured beyond that very point but, it's not your problem. Until he can accept that he is the problem, which he is so far from, he will never be able to accept that he has a lot of work to do to be able to have a real adult relationship.

I know it's hard BBM but, try to just shrug it off. Anything you do in reaction to his venom just keeps you connected to his drama.

You really have come a long, long way. I don't even know you but, it speaks very highly of your intelligence that you are able to see past the mask and act in the best interest of you and your son. I sincerely believe that your boy will thank you one day for the bravery you have shown!


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 803 | Registered: Apr 2013
GonnaGetThru
Member
Member # 38817
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, September 12th (Friday)

I do believe threats/libel/harrassment should be passed along to you, but beware how and who passes it along. I think one of the fallouts of infidelity is we quickly figure out who our real friends are and where our support system lies. Some people will pass along info to truly help you and keep you in the loop for "divorce ammo" so to speak. Many others though feed off drama and gossip and will try to pass along BS that doesn't help and only pushes us down the rabbit hole. Best thing you can do for yourself is to be aware of this and not be afraid to cut ties with anyone toxic. Facebook is a magnet for toxicity and gossip mongers IMHO. Stay strong! At this rate, I suspect POS isn't going to have much to stand on come D time. Can't wait for you to finally have some peace!


BW (me): 30
WH (him): 31
Taking R one day at a time

"Every decision you make indicates what you believe you are worth."


Posts: 116 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: North Carolina
cosmicjoke
Member
Member # 39159
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, September 12th (Friday)

People who post all their private business (whether true or not) on social media are just plain stupid and clueless because now the entire world can see it. (And in his case- lawyers, prob officer, etc etc.) And most people with any common sense know the ones who 'protest too much' are full of BS and batshit crazy. So he's just giving himself away. And anyone who believes his BS is just as dumb as he is- so they deserve each other. The person who knows the REAL story doesn't have to spend their time spewing their business all over FB-
trying so hard to convince everyone. People who know you and the situation obviously know the truth. The way he is ranting is just making him look even crazier and more juvenile. So let him dig himself into a hole- sounds like he's doing a great job of it! And kudos to you for not getting sucked into the game. You are above all that shit.

Posts: 256 | Registered: May 2013
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, September 12th (Friday)

GonnaGetThru-I absolutely agree 100% about Facebook and my real friends. Unfortunately, one of the "friends" that is letting me know is well known for liking to stir the pot and keep the drama going. There is no doubt in my mind that she is also telling him things. So I don't pay attention to her. However, I do have a good friend that I would trust with my life and my sons that is keeping a close on eye him also...through her husband, of course. She deleted him as soon as she found out about everything! He posted today that he has "free time" and is going to get out of the house. I don't know if that means anything to me or not but with his previous threat/post, I am really worried.

Thank you for your words, Outtanowhere. I am really trying to do my best! I FINALLY see him for what he is. All I can do at this point is protect my son from anymore of his craziness and bullshit! I do NOT let him see what he is doing to me. So as far as he concerned, I don't even know about his posts or anything he is up too.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
Hopetosurvive98
Member
Member # 33842
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, September 15th (Monday)

BBM want check in on you and see how you are and make sure your WH hasn't done anything stupid re the threats. Let us know how you are.


Me: BS 36
Him:WS 36
DDay 9/8/11, 3yr LTA
Her: super classy coworker, 44, involved in many A's including several other coworkers.

Posts: 439 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: The beautiful south
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, September 15th (Monday)

My weekend was uneventful, THANK GOD! I really was worried because he has proven to be mentally unstable. I do believe that he received something from my lawyer on Friday, though. He posted "I am not gonna go to no fucking class to tell me how to raise my kid! So fuck her." on Facebook. Lovely language and grammar. I didn't say he had to go to the class, the State of Missouri says he has to go. I didn't actually expect him to. Obviously, he is doing such fantastic job already of raising his kids. He doesn't need help....hahahaha! Yeah. My lawyer didn't expect him to either. There are ways around it, it just will drag out the divorce proceeding even longer.

Oh he also says he has his half of the divorce fee. I will believe that when I see it. Won't be holding my breath on that! He just wants it to look like I am the one dragging my feet and he is the "good" guy! EVERYONE that has any sense knows better than that.

Another post said that he had planned on posting pictures but didn't want the bad karma to catch up to him. Um...a little too late for that, I think.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, September 15th (Monday)

BBM - Oh honey I am so damn proud of you and your progress. You really do get it, and know that you are the good guy now.

He is such a mess. I am sure the state of MO would love to see his comments about not attending no damn parenting class.....
Hopefully he will pay up so you can get the D ball rolling. It will give you a sense that there will be finality to all of this.

(((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8913 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, September 15th (Monday)

"I am not gonna go to no fucking class to tell me how to raise my kid! So fuck her."

This guy is such a mess. An uneducated mess, if I'm to be honest.

Only a complete douche canoe would make ignorant statements like that for the world to see. Does he think he comes off looking cool? He makes himself sound like an ignorant hillbilly who shouldn't be allowed to own goldfish, much less be a parent.

Are you down on your knees thanking the powers that be for giving you a second chance in life? If you haven't done so yet, you will soon.

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 1:52 PM, September 15th (Monday)]


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1975 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, September 15th (Monday)

Oh he also says he has his half of the divorce fee

What does this mean?

I hope this doesn't mean you are both using the same attorney.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8040 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, September 15th (Monday)

No,I have my own and as far as I know he doesn't have one. I had told him early on that I couldn't afford a divorce on my own and if he wanted to be civil and decent (hahahahaha!!) then we could split it. That obviously didn't work....

And sadly, he is very educated. He is actually smart....but stupid! Does that make sense? I am glad that I am finally seeing the light. Everything that he has been posting makes him look ignorant, not me. He wants me to look like the crazy one....haha nope. THAT IS ALL HIM. As Sheldon would say, "My mom had me tested!"


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
Chicky
Member
Member # 18622
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, September 15th (Monday)

And sadly, he is very educated. He is actually smart....but stupid! Does that make sense?

Yes it does. He is what my grandmother used to call "an educated FOOL".

I hope you got a screenshot of that FB post.


There's a difference between giving up and knowing when you've had enough.

Posts: 579 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Somewhere Over The Rainbow
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, September 15th (Monday)

No,I have my own and as far as I know he doesn't have one. I had told him early on that I couldn't afford a divorce on my own and if he wanted to be civil and decent (hahahahaha!!) then we could split it. That obviously didn't work....

Yeah...that's not going to work. Don't hold your breath or wait for him to come up with his "half". You'll never get it.

Just get your lawyer paid, file and let STBXH worry about finding and paying for his own attorney.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8040 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, September 19th (Friday)

I am having a really hard time today. It started yesterday. I am not so sure if it was so much what my H says he did or that someone that I thought was my best friend would tell me, knowing it would hurt me.

She told me that he had posted a few days ago that he had $75 that he was going to give to me for our son but he couldn't get ahold of me because I changed my number and was keeping him from his son. Whatever, he didn't even try, my house number hasn't changed. That was just another tactic to attempt to make me look bad. Then she went on to say that he probably spent that $75 on roses for his whore and her breakfast in bed that she was bragging about on Facebook. Why would someone tell me that?!? I don't need to know the good things he is doing for her. IT ONLY HURTS ME! And she, of all people, should know that! I just told her the night before that I didn't understand how a fleeting 2 second thought could make me cry! I started crying of course, but tried to hide it before my son came inside. But he caught me and said...."I got upset today on the bus." And his friend said, "Yeah, he almost started to cry." Then he told me that the song Radioactive came on his Ipod and it made him really miss his dad. They loved that song. So that really didn't help my tears. God, I hate this!

Like I said, I don't know if it is more that he is doing good things for her that he did for me or that my "friend" would tell me. I just don't get it.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, September 19th (Friday)

(((BBM)))

Did you tell your friend that was hurtful to hear?
You do realize that its all a show they are putting on. They are attempting to create a false reality of him being super dad, and mean old mom won't let him be around him.

You need to document this shit, because when it comes to divorce time, you have to be able to rebut this stuff. IF he decides to fight.
Remember....He IS NOT they guy they pretend he is on FB. He is an Addict. He is an abuser. He is a fucked up scared little shit, it was easier to run away than do what was right for not only his wife, but his son.

Please take a deep breath, remind yourself of all the crappy shit he has done, and remember YOU DESERVE MUCH MORE!!!!


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8913 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, September 19th (Friday)

I agree with TN. Please try to redirect your tears & heartbreak into determination. Start documenting this information. I know this is painful to hear, but you have to start thinking more logically. *IF* he has $75 to spend on roses, breakfast in bed, or any other luxury, extra for his OW. That is $75 you can now document he is *CLAIMING* to have that could be awarded to you and your son as support.

You HAVE to stop romancing this situation.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8040 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Hopetosurvive98
Member
Member # 33842
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, September 19th (Friday)

((((BBM))))

As tushnurse stated you need to be documenting everything because this is one nasty man and he will go as low as he has to with regards to your D. You have to protect yourself and your son from him and his lies because when it comes to D time he is going to lie. Document, document, document. The sooner your can remove this drama from your life the better, you need a D like yesterday so keep working toward that goal.
You know the truth and you know who and what he is, and his OW. What he would like the world to believe via FB is bullshit and everyone knows it. One nice thing he is too drugged up or stupid to understand that what he is posting on FB can be used as evidence against him. So use that to your advantage. Get screenshots of these posts and keep it in your D file, you will need them.

Focus on you and focus on your son. You are what matters and you deserve better and will get there. Just keep remembering what you know to be truth and do not fall victim to the lies and bullshit that he puts out there.

Be kind to yourself and go do something fun with your son BBM. It will get better

[This message edited by Hopetosurvive98 at 11:08 AM, September 19th (Friday)]


Me: BS 36
Him:WS 36
DDay 9/8/11, 3yr LTA
Her: super classy coworker, 44, involved in many A's including several other coworkers.

Posts: 439 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: The beautiful south
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, September 19th (Friday)

I told her in no uncertain terms do I need to hear ANYTHING that he is doing unless it DIRECTLY pertains to me or my child. I don't care if he buys her a fucking diamond, I don't need to know! All it did was set me back and wonder why this is happening. And my son saw me crying AGAIN. WE do NOT need that.

He has not made any effort at all to help financially or even visit his son. He is only interested in how he looks and how I look. Right now, he wants people to believe that I am the bad guy. Whatever. EVERYONE knows the truth, even him.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, September 19th (Friday)

Wow. I just saw my husband with his whore for the 1st time. I feel as if I have been hit in the stomach with a sledge hammer. Over and over and over again.....sadly, my son felt that hit, also. Luckily, I was taking him to a friend so his mind will be occupied. Wow. This hurts. I knew it would happen eventually but I was hoping it would be a loooonnng time off.

Another awful, horrible, heartbreaking 1st down.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
birdy
Member
Member # 30937
Sad  Posted: 11:08 PM, September 19th (Friday)

BIG hugs

Posts: 145 | Registered: Jan 2011
IrishGirlVA
Member
Member # 39694
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, September 21st (Sunday)

he probably spent that $75 on roses for his whore and her breakfast in bed that she was bragging about on Facebook

It was probably street corner roses and a cold pop tart.


Me, the "B": 42yo
Him, the "W": 38yo
DDay: June 2013
Status: Over

Posts: 382 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Virginia
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, September 25th (Thursday)

Just received a call at work that my dear husband came to the house and took our dog. My neighbor said she was pulling up as he was leaving. She stays outside during the day so I am assuming that he just pulled up and called her to him. At least, I am hoping that is all he did.I hope he wasn't in my house.

He would never hurt her, but I am worried about where he is taking her. She really is HIS but my son and I have become really attached to her. This is just another loss that I will have to explain to my son.

This is just him being an ignorant asshole and not caring who he hurts!!!

[This message edited by BaseballMom31 at 9:19 AM, September 25th (Thursday)]


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
Hopetosurvive98
Member
Member # 33842
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, September 25th (Thursday)

BBM-the dog was on your property, this is your house and not his, youve been caring for the dog alone without a contribution from him for months. This seems like trespassing and theft to me and I would absolutely call the police. He had no right to enter your property and take that dog without your permission. Maybe others will come along and say I am wrong but I would 100% call the police.

I am so sorry that he is such blatant asshole. Of course you and your son are attached to the family dog, I am so mad for you!


Me: BS 36
Him:WS 36
DDay 9/8/11, 3yr LTA
Her: super classy coworker, 44, involved in many A's including several other coworkers.

Posts: 439 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: The beautiful south
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, September 25th (Thursday)

This is just him being an ignorant asshole and not caring who he hurts!!!

That's exactly right.

Hope is right, if the house is yours, and he left he has no legal right to be there, you have a witness that he took the dog, and unless he has documentation stating the dog is his, you should charge him with theft and trespassing. His PO would love to deal with that BS.

He is for some reason taking the low road, the real low road to be a total dick for this process. You need to be prepared with both barrels so to speak.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8913 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, September 25th (Thursday)

It really just seems that it is one thing after another with him! And it is about every other week...just when things have quieted down a bit...BOOM THERE HE IS! I feel like he just wants to keep the emotions stirred up and continue to bother me! WHY?!? HE LEFT ME!!! SO LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

He claims to be so happy and to be with his true love. Okay. Great. Good for him. Now go away!!


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, September 25th (Thursday)

So...what are you going to do about this?

Let's see...he has blown your son's world up...he went from living in the house and being daddy..to abandoning his child, short of a call here and there. You have watched how this has torn your little boy up. And now that POS stole your son's dog?? You said it's really your WH's dog..but that is bullshit...when a dog lives with a family, he is the family's dog. I guarantee your son thinks of that dog as HIS dog. WH didn't want that family so he left. He doesn't get to just come and go as he pleases. He doesn't get to remove "property" from your home just because he wants to. He hasn't lived there for several months now.

What you need to do is call the police and make a report. You have an eye witness.

You need to ACT. This POS is going to continue to do these things as long as he knows you will tolerate it. Stop tolerating it. CALL THE COPS. They may, or may not, be able to do anything about it. But you need to make a report. Keep in mind, you are divorcing this asshole. Behavior like this isn't looked upon to kindly by a judge.

I am so sorry for your little boy. I have an 11 year old who is very much attached to our dog. he would be devastated if something like this happened. What your WH did was cruel. It was an emotional assault on your son.

What are you going to do about it?

[This message edited by confused615 at 1:31 PM, September 25th (Thursday)]


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 8111 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Hopetosurvive98
Member
Member # 33842
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, September 25th (Thursday)

BBM- As I said in my first response to this situation you need to call the police and please do it now. He abandoned you, his son, and that dog months ago. He has not contributed to that dogs care or well being nor has he even inquired about it. He abandoned that dog trust me he doesnt give two shits about that dog-he wants to stir shit up and hurt you and your son. Plus I doubt he will will take care of the dog. We are talking about a jobless meth addict living with another addict/dealer. I would worry about the care the dog would receive.
Please do not let it slide or it will never end. Take a stand for yourself and your son. He really doesnt think that you will do anything about it, he knows there is no consequence for his actions and he will continue to sink lower and lower to hurt you. This is going to hurt your child. If you call the police and make a report he very well could get into trouble and then he will understand he cannot screw with you because you will take action. You cannot wish this jackwagon away! You have to take a stand BBM and I know it is hard. He came onto your property and removed a dog he abandoned months ago. He trespassed on your property and stole that dog. Please call the police and take back your power from this asshole. He really is sick and evil to continue to hurt his son like this.


Me: BS 36
Him:WS 36
DDay 9/8/11, 3yr LTA
Her: super classy coworker, 44, involved in many A's including several other coworkers.

Posts: 439 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: The beautiful south
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, September 25th (Thursday)

Stop worrying about why, and deal with the reality of it. He did.
So pick up the phone and call the police, and make charges that this douchecanoe has stolen your dog, and trespassed.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8913 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, September 25th (Thursday)

I talked to my neighbor and the sheriffs department and because she did not actually see him ON my property, there isn't a lot that can be done. I was told that it would be hard to prove who had actually been in posession of her during the last few months.

I haven't been home yet so I don't know if he was in the house or not. If he was, then that is a different story. My uncle has a game camera pointed at my house but my garage blocks the driveway so I don't know if he was even in the yard. He would have had to open a gate to the yard but unless he walked in, that view is blocked as well.

Now to deal with yet another heartbreak and loss for my son. I hate him!!! But on a brighter note, I am taking his dvds to the pawn shop today. Wish me luck! I need gas money!


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, September 25th (Thursday)

I suspect there will also be a problem because legally you are still "married" and haven't filed. The dog will likely be considered "marital property". And now that the dog is in his posession, no matter how that happened, he will get to keep the dog.

Please, please, please. FILE FOR DIVORCE. Borrow the money from your dad. This is urgent. You need to do this to protect yourself, your son and your property.

[This message edited by sadtoo at 8:08 AM, September 26th (Friday)]


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8040 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
k8la
Member
Member # 38408
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, September 25th (Thursday)

It's past time you have a chat with his parole officer. Tell him about the facebook posts your friends are alerting you to - the threats, the stealing the dog, the lack of financial support, etc. That you've had to change your cell #, and that all this impacts your son. Ask him what he can do to pull his parolee in line and back off the threats, but that you're through playing the patience game. Any more lines crossed, any more threats, any more harassment and you will press for a protective order for you and your son.

It might help you to research what that would do to his probation status! Then follow through. You may even just bypass the parole officer when you find out he's already done enough to get probation revoked.


Posts: 174 | Registered: Feb 2013
Hopetosurvive98
Member
Member # 33842
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, October 3rd (Friday)

BBM I wanted to check in on you, haven't heard from you since the dog was stolen by your wh. How are you and your son doing? I'm hoping no more bullshit antics from your wh. I also hope enough is enough and maybe you've contacted his po?
Let us know how you are.

[This message edited by Hopetosurvive98 at 7:17 AM, October 3rd (Friday)]


Me: BS 36
Him:WS 36
DDay 9/8/11, 3yr LTA
Her: super classy coworker, 44, involved in many A's including several other coworkers.

Posts: 439 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: The beautiful south
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, October 3rd (Friday)

I am doing okay. Good days and bad, still. I haven't heard anything from him AT ALL. Not sure if that is a good thing or not. It does worry me a bit, kind of like the calm before the storm?

I didn't contact his PO but I heard through the grapevine that his house arrest supposedly ends today. Again, that kind of scares me. We will see what happens next, I guess.

I have about 1 1/2 more payments before I have my lawyer paid for. Thanks for checking in on me! I appreciate it!


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
Hopetosurvive98
Member
Member # 33842
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, October 3rd (Friday)

Stay strong,you're almost there. If he does anything like that again please just call the police, he needs to see your boundaries are firm and he will suffer concequences. He has no right to step foot on your property.
It will be a huge step and a relief when you can officially file and get everything sorted out and finalized, then you can really move on.
I hope your little boy is doing ok. Check in with us bbm, I know many of us are thinking of you and pulling for you. You will come through this stronger and have a bright and happy future.


Me: BS 36
Him:WS 36
DDay 9/8/11, 3yr LTA
Her: super classy coworker, 44, involved in many A's including several other coworkers.

Posts: 439 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: The beautiful south
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, October 6th (Monday)

OH I HATE HIM!! This weekend, for the first time since this nightmare began, I actually went out with some friends and had a good time! Yes pictures were posted on Facebook. Not of me doing ANYTHING WRONG just having fun with friends!

So today, my dear sweet ASSHOLE husband posted ON my cousins Facebook page that instead of going out and spending money that I got from selling his things that I should be paying for a divorce! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? He doesn't have anything of value! And the ONLY thing that I have sold is DVD's. And trust me, that was not near enough to get a divorce. It barely paid for gas to get to work for 2 damn days!

Needless to say, it did NOT sit well with a few friends and family and I basically had to talk them out of responding too negatively! Even though part of me would love for them to say EVERYTHING they are thinking, I don't want to sink to his level. However, one thing that WAS posted said, "Well when you leave your wife to move into a basement with another "woman" (and I use the term woman loosely because we all know what she really is...) then you should probably take everything you want when you go. BM31 has been a lot nicer than anyone else would have been. She isn't running a storage shed for you to use at your convenience! Why would you even post this? To upset her? Guess what, it isn't working anymore! Grow up." My friends will always have my back.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
Hopetosurvive98
Member
Member # 33842
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, October 6th (Monday)

Well, he is a real asshole isnt he? Hes such lowlife that I almost want to feel sorry for him *almost*. I do not have words for what I really think of this "man." BBM I hope you can see that the day he ran off was a gift to you as now you can be free of this mans toxicity. Also-you go out and have fun all you want and FUCK HIM!!! I LOVE what your friend wrote to him and I think a good dose of reality is good for him. I think he is such a dopehead that he really is delusional enough to think that nobody really knows what happened. He thinks he has really painted himself as a victim-when truthfully everyone knows what sort of scum he is. Someone should have asked him when the last time he paid any support for his children was, or why he can buy meth but not pay for the D himself-at least contribute. A real piece of work.
Anyhow, BBM you are so,so far above this man that he isnt even good enough to be shit under your shoes. Keep moving forward, keep being a good mother, keep being strong and do not let this pos get you off into the mud with him. Get that D going asap. If he does even the slightest thing wrong such as come back to your property, make a veiled threat, anything please call the police. This guy needs to know you have boundaries and he is on the far side of them.
You are doing well BBM.


Me: BS 36
Him:WS 36
DDay 9/8/11, 3yr LTA
Her: super classy coworker, 44, involved in many A's including several other coworkers.

Posts: 439 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: The beautiful south
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, October 6th (Monday)

I know it shouldn't but it really surprises me each time he reaches a new low! Seriously! How can one person be so stupid?! I honestly never thought that this would EVER HAPPEN! Or that he would ever act this way! I just wish I would have seen it sooner and then maybe I could have spared myself a lot of heartbreak and anguish.

I am done with him and everything he has done. I won't be nice anymore about ANYTHING. I was too nice for too long and look where that got me. I hope he has enjoyed his freedom and his whore because I am sure it won't last long. I am done. More done than I have ever been about anything in my life.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
Tearsoflove
Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, October 6th (Monday)

Love how your friends called him out for the horse's ass that he is. Bet that post gets deleted...


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4306 | Registered: Sep 2005
Freeme
Member
Member # 31946
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, October 6th (Monday)

this is my favorite part
Why would you even post this? To upset her? Guess what, it isn't working anymore! Grow up.

They say that living well is the best revenge and with your WH I believe any happiness you experience really drives him nuts.


Posts: 272 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Washington DC
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, October 7th (Tuesday)

Oh my Dad has seen the post on Facebook.....not good. Not good AT ALL.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
sadtoo
Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, October 7th (Tuesday)

I am still not over this lowlife POS stealing his 10yo son's dog. What kind of scumbag loser does that??

Seriously, this guy has to look up to find bottom.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8040 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
GonnaGetThru
Member
Member # 38817
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, October 7th (Tuesday)

Whenever I read this thread I think to myself that there should be a sort of "divorce fund" people could donate to! I totally vote for an SI party when it goes through, BBM!


BW (me): 30
WH (him): 31
Taking R one day at a time

"Every decision you make indicates what you believe you are worth."


Posts: 116 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: North Carolina
deena04
Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, October 7th (Tuesday)

I hope the dog bites him and pees on his whore. Just saying...no really, though, he is crap for doing that. He may think he's one-upping you, but taking his son's dog. Bullshit!! Can you take it back anyway? Call his PO and tell him/her about the dog. Maybe they'll deem that theft and get the dog back.

[This message edited by deena04 at 7:44 PM, October 7th (Tuesday)]


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
L-I-B-E-R-A-T-I-N-G ME

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Dec 2013
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, October 8th (Wednesday)

OH. MY. GOD. His stupidity and his craziness never ceases to amaze me!! So yesterday after slandering my Dad on Facebook and not getting the reaction he wanted (my Dad wasn't going to to stoop to his level!) he chose to move on to me AND MY SON.

He posted a picture of someone that we went to school with and his child next to a picture of MY son. He is claiming that MY son is NOT his now and he belongs to this other person! Oh and I "tricked" him into loving a child who is biracial! ARE. YOU. FUCKING. KIDDING. ME? So I spoke to my lawyer today about it and she is going to DEMAND a paternity test AT HIS EXPENSE. She said the only way that I would have to pay is if he turns out not to be his. Well....since I have NEVER been with anyone else, pretty sure that won't be a problem.

After the paternity test comes back, we are going to look into terminating his paternal rights. But she said he will still be responsible for support. I didn't know that.....

He has been low and awful but this is as low as he can possibly get! Right? Surely, he can't go lower!!

I am documenting everything that he puts on Facebook to start a paper trail. I really can NOT believe this bullshit! My sister posted a nice but not so nice response to the picture post. She may or may not have called his whore a "basement whore"! Then his whore had the nerve to say that if I hadn't been such a liar and
tricked my husband, he would have never had to be with anyone else. OMG. But before my sister could respond, the post was deleted. I do know that several people reported it to Facebook so I don't know if he realized that he had crossed a line or if Facebook deleted it. Either way, I already had it screenshot and sent to me.

I am done being nice. I have too much ammo on him to keep quiet any longer. His PO will be getting a packet in the mail detailing ALL of his illegal activities. He wants to play dirty? Okay! Great. I am ready!


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
bluelightshine
New Member
Member # 37539
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, October 8th (Wednesday)

(((BaseballMom)))

I just read your thread and I am so sorry you have to deal with this. There is a saying that my fwh told me the other day,
How do you know an addict is lying? His lips are moving.

This couldn't be more true in the case of your stbx. He is very delusional and completely horrible. He and his OW are hateful people and are letting the whole world know. That is on their shoulders.

Hopefully the OW goes to prison soon. I bet your stbx will be singing a different tune then. Sounds to me like they are both feeding off the drama of it. The great things about fantasy bubbles is they only last so long and then pop. The longer the fantasy stays intact the more reality slams them when it pops. Can't wait for it to happen. Hopefully you and your DS will get some peace when it does.


BS(Me) 32
SAWH (Beaker) 35
Married 11 Years
Dday Oct 06 2012
Dday 2 February 19 2014
Confessed to getting blow jobs from
prostitutes in 2006 and while living with OW
PA/EA 1 year
In r
2 children under 10
Working on faith everyday.



Posts: 49 | Registered: Nov 2012
WeepingBuddhist
Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, October 9th (Thursday)

BBM, please let your attorney deal with this! Don't directly sent anything to the PO. Make sure it comes from your lawyer. Keep your hands clean, so to speak.
Strength to you!


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 676 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
Hopetosurvive98
Member
Member # 33842
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, October 9th (Thursday)

BBM I just read your update. I think my BP just hit the roof. This man is so gross, so fowl, such a piece of shit-actually thats an insult to shit. I have no idea what to say about a person, a father who would go on social media and put of photo of his child up stating that he is not the father. Mind blown. Its so disgusting. I am so sorry that you have to deal with this fucker but deal with him you will. As above poster said let your lawyer handle this and put the packet together (BIG high five on documenting this bullshit) and have the lawyer send it to the PO. I LOVE that your attorney is going to demand a paternity test at his expense and go for taking away his parental rights. He deserves to never see his son. He would do nothing but damage and hurt that child. As bad as it is to have a father out of the picture in this case this man is so toxic he needs to be gone.
Have you retained this attorney yet? If not maybe a friend or family member can help you get that last bit? I agree we need a divorce fund for you. This man needs to be gone asap. Ive read a lot on this forum in the past three years but this asshole takes the cake. You are so very right that it is time to stop trying to take the high road and avoid going after him. It is for the safety of your son that you must go after him with no mercy. If he will post that shit on FB about his child he knows no level too low. Imagine if your son was a bit older and had a FB account or his friends did-how hurtful! I am fuming!! Hurting a child is so far below the belt and he had already done far too much leading up to this (stealing the boys dog and so much more). Go into full mama bear mode and protect your son from this vile man.

Keep documenting everything he is putting out there. It is astonishing how stupid he is putting all of this on FB. Rally your family and friends for support and go after this "man" full boar to protect your child. You are so strong BBM and youve got this!!!


Me: BS 36
Him:WS 36
DDay 9/8/11, 3yr LTA
Her: super classy coworker, 44, involved in many A's including several other coworkers.

Posts: 439 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: The beautiful south
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, October 15th (Wednesday)

UPDATE: My dear delusional, fucked up husband has received the order from my lawyer for a DNA test at his expense. WOW! My ears (or eyes) should be burning! He is blowing up Facebook with the worst insults and derogatory comments he possibly can think of about me. That is okay....my lawyer LOVES all of his psychotic rants and posts. Just adds fuel to the fire of why he should NEVER be alone with my pet rock, much less my child!

Good news....yesterday was 5 months and also a follow up doctor visit. And until that visit, while talking to my doctor, I didn't realize that it was the 5 month anniversary since my world changed forever. I teared up when I realized it but did NOT cry!! Go me! Last month, I was counting down and dreading the day. This month, I didn't even realize it. Baby steps!!

Do I miss him still? Absolutely. I still can't believe this is HIM. But it is, and I never want to go back.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
lovesobroken
Member
Member # 43588
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, October 15th (Wednesday)

((())) I have been following yiur posts for so long and you have come such a long way!!!! You just have to read your first post to know. Hugs!!!!

Posts: 378 | Registered: May 2014
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, October 15th (Wednesday)

BBM oh honey. I am so damn proud of you!!! You have really come along way. You get it and have allowed your grief and your healing to happen. And now you are fighting like hell to do what a right for you and more importantly your son.

Hugs and strength sister. Stand tall be proud and know you are amazing.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8913 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Jomarion
Member
Member # 43659
Default  Posted: 3:05 AM, October 16th (Thursday)

Hi,Baseball mom, I have been continuing to read your posts, and cannot believe the depths this stbx can stoop to. He does not stop taking one lower step into hell, does he?

The only up side to all this is that it helps you to detach, and to see the parts of him he had always kept hidden from you.

Seeing that Truth can hurt so much, but in the end, when we can face it, I think it also makes us stronger.

Be careful he does not hurt your dog. I hope I am wrong, but he does not sound above hurting him/her in an 'accident'.

Prayers and hugs to you, BBM.


me:BGF, 54, American immigrant. one son. me and my ex get along great, the most amicable split imaginable!
him:WBF,43, Polish immigrant
together since 2006,
DDay:October28,2009,after his 3 teen kids push him to cheat with OW.
5 betrayed me

Posts: 203 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: UK
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, October 16th (Thursday)

I''m so proud of the strong woman that you have rediscovered. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5310 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
TimeToGo2014
Member
Member # 43909
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, October 16th (Thursday)

What a strong and brave woman you've become! You talk about your ex-douches transformation, but look at you! From feeble to fearless!!!

Posts: 130 | Registered: Jun 2014
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, October 17th (Friday)

Thanks everyone for your words of encouragement! I never thought I would feel this strong. I was pretty sure I was broken...but I am healing. A lot of that has to do with you guys! Support and occasional 2x4s to the head from people who have been there and done that is definitely what I needed.

THANK YOU!


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
cosmicjoke
Member
Member # 39159
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, October 18th (Saturday)

So glad to hear good news BBM..! Keep it up, and hope your boy is doing well too. The way you handle this will really make an impact on him in his life. So sad and horrible how the mind of someone you think you know better than anyone can be 'hijacked'.. it doesn't make any sense. Or maybe they were sick all along & just good at hiding it..? But either way, the fact that he is spewing all that crap all over he internet is so awesome. Just shows how twisted his own judgement is now. Let him hang himself.. Like you said his juvenile actions have turned in your favor (at least legally). I hope you have a great lawyer who really fights hard for you guys.
I agree the fantasy bubble will pop soon (because by nature they are unsustainable!).. but hopefully by then you & your son will be so far ahead of him & doing great that it will be too late. People need to learn that there are consequences- and permanent ones-- for their dumb choices and actions.

Posts: 256 | Registered: May 2013
deena04
Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, October 21st (Tuesday)

Just checking to see how you're doing. You are getting stronger and have come so far.


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
L-I-B-E-R-A-T-I-N-G ME

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Dec 2013
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, October 22nd (Wednesday)

I am doing okay. Nothing new is going on...sometimes I don't know if that is a good thing or not. I never know what is going on in my STBX's crazy, messed up head.

I had a p/t conference yesterday with my son's teacher. I asked if he ever mentioned him or said anything at school. She said he has a few times but doesn't seem to be upset. She said he usually mentions something in passing and then moves on to something different. I am really glad. He seems to be handling everything pretty good. At least, I hope he is....

Still waiting on news about the DNA test. I know he has received the order from my lawyer but as far as I know, he has not responded. He did post on Facebook (big surprise) that he had $50 for anyone who could get me to sign divorce papers...I would gladly sign. However, like the commercial says, "It doesn't work like that. None of this works like that!" If all I had to do was sign and paper and be done, it would have been done months ago!! Idiot.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
WeepingBuddhist
Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, October 23rd (Thursday)

You have come so very far in such a short time. It sounds like both you and your son are coping with your new life and working on the future that doesn't include STBX. Keep your head up, BBM!


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 676 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
Tina73
Member
Member # 44910
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, October 23rd (Thursday)

Wow good for you!! Your an amazing mother!!

My ex and oldest son dad is a crack addict. It's been a lot of hell but he no longer has parental rights and soon WH will legally be his father and guardian (even tho he's a wayward he's a great father, and my son knows him as dad)

It's funny huh, of he is so certain he's not the father it really seems like a small fee to prove it. But they live in a world full of delusion! When My ex and his girlfriend lost there first kid together to CPS the decided to blame me yet it was her 5th kid to be taken away and they recently had another baby and lost him to CPS as well!!

Keep moving up your doing great!


Me BW- 27
WH-35
DD#1- Aug 1st 2014- EA
DD#2- Sep 15 2014 - PAs confessed
3 OW in total. Has been unfaithful from day 1
Learning to give up control, and to focus on me!

Posts: 629 | Registered: Sep 2014 | From: Canada
molly5
Member
Member # 43147
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, October 24th (Friday)

((BaseballMom))

I am sorry about all you have been through! It is amazing what we can live through!! Keep strong!

Sounds like he likes to really mess with your mind!! I have one of those always making it out like I was the one who is wrong and flip it like it is my fault!

Keep doing what you are doing and stay amazing. Don't fall for the childish bull!!


Me:37
WH:42
married 17 years
I will not let the anger change me, I am going to raise myself up and keep growing. To let the anger change me would be like they won!

Posts: 67 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: PA
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, October 27th (Monday)

OMGOSH absolutely, Molly5! It is ALWAYS my fault. It always has been! It is NEVER his fault. He is perfect, you know.

He is a master manipulator. I see that NOW. Sure wish I had seen it before...you know, like in high school would have been a great time.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
molly5
Member
Member # 43147
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, October 27th (Monday)

BaseballMom,

I look now and think about when we had a good marraige...
But it has always been me keeping my mouth shut.. I see now it wasn't healthy at all...
I told him what I really thought, couldn't shut my mouth... i always backed down... I am a person who speaks my mind, but with him, when i seen that anger in his eyes I always would shut up... I know what happened when I didn't shut up. I will never have respect for him now. counting down the last few days, sad that it was never what I thought.
Time to make a new life with out walking on eggshells, looking over my shoulder and checking up on a cheater.
I hope the Karma bus runs them over!!


Me:37
WH:42
married 17 years
I will not let the anger change me, I am going to raise myself up and keep growing. To let the anger change me would be like they won!

Posts: 67 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: PA
ArkLaMiss
Member
Member # 14918
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, November 2nd (Sunday)

BBM, any updates? Just checking in on you. Hope to hear from you soon!


Just HOW stupid do you think I am, exactly?

Posts: 1247 | Registered: Jun 2007
ArkLaMiss
Member
Member # 14918
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, November 3rd (Monday)

BBM, any news? Just check in please do we know you're ok.


Just HOW stupid do you think I am, exactly?

Posts: 1247 | Registered: Jun 2007
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, November 4th (Tuesday)

I am okay. This weekend was a little hard but only because I was told he was circling around my house. I received a text around 10 on Friday from a friend saying she saw him coming into my town. But then I didn't hear anymore until Saturday when I went into the little store. My neighbor works there and she told me that he was in there. Then my aunt called later that evening to tell me that my uncle saw him. He turned around 3 different times to meet him and catch him, each time he was going by. So my cousin moved his truck into my driveway so he would think someone was there. I don't know why he was over there unless he was looking for something to steal.

His basement whore applied for a public defender and was denied. She goes to court on Thursday. I am sure they are getting a little nervous. And he is probably getting a little cold as well. Oh well. Guess he should have thought about taking everything he wanted when he left. Not. My. Problem.

I have been really missing him. Or at least who I thought he was. I guess I just miss my family. Some days I don't think about him at all. Others, he is ALL I think about. Every moment of my life had him in it. It is hard to get used to not being his wife or his girlfriend, even. That is who I have always been. I need to find myself.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
nomistakeaboutit
Member
Member # 36857
Default  Posted: 5:12 AM, November 5th (Wednesday)

I need to find myself.

You're already on the journey and are discovering little bits at a time. Congratulations and God's speed with the wind at your back!


Me: BH 58.........Her: WW 45
DD: 8..........DS: 5
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
...................................
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"

Posts: 974 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
Hopetosurvive98
Member
Member # 33842
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, November 5th (Wednesday)

BBM you have come so far. Think about the changes you have made over the last few months, how much stronger you have become. We are all so proud of you here!
With his girlfriend likely heading to the slammer you need to prepare for him to ramp it up. Afterall he will be in desperate need of someone to enable him,take care of him, and allow him to simply do nothing. I would not be at all shocked if he comes calling to see if he can weasel his way back in. I am so glad that you are in a stronger place and that you have good people who are there for you. Remember if he comes onto your property again you need to call the police. No more nice guy! I still worry about your poor dog living with two meth heads.

Keep us posted BBM!


Me: BS 36
Him:WS 36
DDay 9/8/11, 3yr LTA
Her: super classy coworker, 44, involved in many A's including several other coworkers.

Posts: 439 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: The beautiful south
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, November 10th (Monday)

I am having a really rough time. Yesterday was LCB's birthday. As bad as it sounds, yes even to me, I miss him. It is a good thing that I changed numbers and deleted all numbers associated with him because all I wanted to do was reach out to him. I have cried nonstop for 2 days. I just miss my husband and family so bad.

I was doing good....at least I thought I was. But this weekend, everything just feels so fresh and raw again. Is this normal? Should I be having such an emotional setback? Even with all of the stupidity and nonsense and ridiculousness that he has put me through? Why would I even want him? I HATE THIS!!!


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
devistatedmom
Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, November 10th (Monday)

Completely normal BBmom. Unfortunately you will probably have a rough day or two with each "first" that comes up...normally special days, holidays, events you always did together...

The good news is, next year, his birthday won't hurt like this. Within 2-3 years, his birthday will hardly register at all.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5656 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
ArkLaMiss
Member
Member # 14918
Default  Posted: 1:16 AM, November 25th (Tuesday)

Baseball mom, how are you doing? Can you check in?


Just HOW stupid do you think I am, exactly?

Posts: 1247 | Registered: Jun 2007
BaseballMom31
Member
Member # 43637
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, November 25th (Tuesday)

I am actually doing okay, for the time being. I recently went to the doctor for a follow up and I have lost 36 pounds (or 32, depends on whose scale you believe!) since my dear LCB husband showed his true colors. I guess he was good for something after all.

My son was gone all weekend with his Papa hunting so I cleaned his room. In the process, I found a picture of the 2 of them. He had scribbled over LCB's face. That hurt. But not for myself, for my son. He deserves so much better.

I am dreading the holidays. But I am taking it one day at a time. He has officially moved up in the world. He is no longer living in the basement with his basement whore. They are now living in a small "apartment" inside of a garage. Nice and cozy, I guess.


The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are stronger at the broken places. -Ernest Hemingway

Posts: 265 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Missouri
ArkLaMiss
Member
Member # 14918
Default  Posted: 2:32 AM, November 26th (Wednesday)

Hugs, BBM. One day at a time. You will get stronger, day by day. He us a loser and one day, he WILL regret his choices. You, however, will be moved on by then, and in a better place.


Just HOW stupid do you think I am, exactly?

Posts: 1247 | Registered: Jun 2007
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, November 26th (Wednesday)

Glad to hear from you. Just remember, keep walking one step at a time. We''re all here to support you on that walk. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5310 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
WeepingBuddhist
Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, November 26th (Wednesday)

Holidays can be painful as hell but they are also a chance to create new traditions. Do what you like and enjoy yourself as much as you can. Count your blessings--you've probably got way more than you thought.


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 676 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
Topic Posts: 530