|Just Found Out|
Topic: Three weeks ago, 3 days ago, results from paternity test
Member # 44006
| Posted: 8:33 PM, July 6th (Sunday)|
Lord, I don't even know where to begin.
Hello. I am not married. My significant other and I have been together three and a half years. On the verge of engagement, very serious.
In December, I received an anonymous note at my office. Said SO was a piece of shit, liar, cheater, and had a baby he didn't pay support for. I laughed it off, since SO has a psycho ex and figured she was acting up again.
Three weeks ago, I got another one, this time much more insistent that he lied to me and he has a baby.
This time, I demanded an explanation. He came clean and told me the sordid story.
His mother passed from ALS in late 2011. Between that, his high stress job, everything going on, we started to have some issues. The way he described it, he was dead inside.
Someone he has known for years called him when I was out one night. Come over, I know you're upset, we can sit and talk. Him, the dumbass, honestly thought she called him for a friendly visit.
As he described it, she let him in, small talk was made and she jumped on him. He did not push her off. I made him tell me every single gory detail. The encounter lasted 5 minutes, he barely touched her, didn't kiss her, didn't undress. She "fondled until he was hard and put on a condom and climbed on." After this, he left, went home, wrote two suicide letters and sat with his gun on his lap until my very innocuous "I'm headed home, miss you" text came through. He decided to go on living and become utterly devoted to me. And he did, he was wonderful to me.
I thought that was the end of the story. Oh, no, no. She got pregnant and called him six weeks later, all excited. He blew his top, screaming at her, and based on a few things she said, she set out deliberately to do this. Either she punched a hole in the condom or stuffed it inside of her. He offered her thousands of dollars to terminate (if you're pro life, please don't berate me for that), and she refused. She said she wanted nothing from him but hinted that maybe he'd come around with their baby was born? He said no, and hung up.
The woman had a live in boyfriend. SO didn't know of the kid was his or the BF. Nevertheless, she realized babies aren't cheap and went to a lawyer demanding he pay child support. She threatened to go public and tell everyone (which she already had), and both he and I work in very public jobs. He threw god knows how much money at her, without demanding a DNA test. She wanted the test made public in open court with legitimization. To keep it quiet, he paid. The moron he is.
Honestly? I didn't think the kid was his. Looks nothing like him and SO swore up and down he didn't "finish" with her. I believe him.
I found her on Facebook, told her I knew, told her I stay away from us, called her a few choice names, told her I didn't think SO was the father. She CALLED MY OFFICE the next morning and said SO acknowledged paternity and I needed to get the F over it.
With that, I demanded a DNA test. She took a few days to mull it over, but agreed on the condition we stay away from her and the baby and respect their privacy. Basically, write me a check and leave me alone.
That six day wait was agony. I didn't sleep. I lost 10 pounds and became emaciated. I looked for signs to tell me the baby wasn't his, superstitious things. I was utterly confident it would go in our favor.
Wednesday. That's when the world came crashing down. He is the father. I reacted so viscerally, screaming, crying, asking why and how this happened.
His attorney is handling the details of the support agreement. It's out of our hands.
Since that afternoon, more and more information is pouring in about her, from various sources. She was obsessed with my SO for years, they went on one date, he didn't feel it, and they didn't go out again. When she found out we were dating and it was very serious, she went off the deep end.
She likely messed with the condom, and decided to have the baby on the thought he'd leave me for her for "the baby's sake." When that didn't happen, she spiraled. Then I found out and despite all this, decided to forgive him, then she realized she was stuck. Apparently she didn't really want the baby, and now she is stuck. She didn't just want a baby, she wanted HIS baby.
Both of us believe it was conceived as a ploy, and his attorney deemed her a stalker. Now, realizing the grave mistake she made, she wants him to pay but stay out of their lives. He is happy to oblige. Call us cold, but going after visitation and custody would be a complete shitshow, and the baby would learn someday just how much his parents hate each other. We felt it was in our best interest to back off and put the money in a trust. Hell, she floated the idea of a lump sum and she'd let him terminate his parental rights. She refused to have SO's name on the birth certificate as well.
I'm sure it goes without saying that I am devastated, and in pain I didn't even know was possible. SO has been so supportive, can't apologize enough, cries along with me, apologizing for hurting me. I could've likely forgiven quickly if it was just a fling. Now, with a baby, it's so much worse.
She gets to call herself the mother of SO's child before me. He bore his child, delivered him. I am trying so hard to remember if we have a child of our own, that baby will be conceived out of love and commitment, and instead of doing it on her own like her, he'll be with me every step of the way. I'm trying, but it's hard to remember that with that horrid voice in your head.
Call me a moron, I have decided to forgive. I want to marry him still. I actually somewhat trust him already because after this, you think he'd be stupid enough to do this again?
Thank you for letting me share my story. I apologize for the length. And please, if you think what we're doing regarding the child is wrong, please don't tell me. The wound is too fresh for more pain. Thank you.
Posts: 1 | Registered: Jul 2014
Member # 42476
| Posted: 8:48 PM, July 6th (Sunday)|
Sweet pea...let me be the voice of reason.
1. He enjoyed the sex. He did not just awkwardly sit there and get fondled and jumped. He participated.
2. He knew why he was going over there.
3. They didn't use a condom.
4. He's making you feel hysterical bonding. That's not the same thing as trust. It's fear actually.
5. He is not a victim of semi-rape. Stop letting him play the victim. You and the innocent baby are the victims.
Posts: 102 | Registered: Feb 2014
Member # 33129
| Posted: 8:50 PM, July 6th (Sunday)|
I'm so sorry you are here. This is a wonderfully supportive place and you will find many willing to listen...
Honestly? I didn't think the kid was his. Looks nothing like him and SO swore up and down he didn't "finish" with her. I believe him.
And now? This was clearly a lie on his part. Are you sure you want to marry someone who lied about something as life changing as a child?
divorced the Dooosh
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
Posts: 3630 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
Member # 31314
| Posted: 8:57 PM, July 6th (Sunday)|
I'm so sorry you're here and going through this. Glad you found us though.
I would like to caution as others have though. Please make sure you get all the facts. Chances are there is WAY more to this story than you know. She may be a stalker but I find it hard to believe that they conceived after sex once.
Please make sure you get tested for STDs. Even if they did use a condom and it was only once clearly it broke.
Read the healing library and let the info you have received sink in. Good luck.
I wish I could just stop I know another moment will break my heart too many tears too many time too many years I've cried over you
Posts: 364 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: IL
Member # 36307
| Posted: 11:54 PM, July 6th (Sunday)|
Go to the links in the healing library.
You need to have information to help you through this incredibly emotional time in your life.
Ask yourself this, do you really believe your SO or just "want"
To believe him? There is a difference.
Get your facts, and be kind to yourself. You are the victim in this situation, and not by your choices or actions. Don't be convinced otherwise by your SO
BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
Posts: 626 | Registered: Jul 2012
Member # 34823
| Posted: 12:30 AM, July 7th (Monday)|
I actually somewhat trust him already because after this, you think he'd be stupid enough to do this again?
Stop focusing so much attention on what a *bad guy* the OC's mom is and start pointing the laser at your BF.
"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
Posts: 8182 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Member # 43919
| Posted: 12:52 AM, July 7th (Monday)|
I hear what everyone else is telling you, and I get it. Believe me I get it. But, it's hard. This is a man who obviously betrayed your trust, but you feel he is showing you with actions, not just words. You love him. This is fresh. I'm sure some days you feel like you've got the reigns and you can do this and other days you may question why you're still there. This is a hard time, and I do not judge you at all for how you are feeling. Give it time. Slow down a little. Absorb it all. This woman says she wants him to waive his rights, yet next week she may feel she still "loves" him.
I guess what I'm saying is that I see where you're coming from. Feeling like you trust him, ready to move forwrd with him. I've been there. But, if I can just share my experience-not saying it will be yours too. But, don't rush Into anything. Go to mc together. See if he will go to ic. If he is honestly remorseful, he will go. I felt like u did after my first betrayal. And I rushed into R. I divorced him for cheating, 5 months later he's on my doorstep with tears in his eyes, he moved back in the next day. Did maybe 1 month of counseling, then he got too busy. So we rug swept. And here i am, 3 years later and he's leaving me for another woman. Again. When i could have been 3 years into recovery instead of down this painful path again. So, please take your time to absorb everything. He has to prove himself now, in my opinion. And if he is choosing to stay out of the child's life, please be prepared for her to change her mind and demand he be in the baby's life. I have a feeling this isn't the last you'll hear from. If she's crazy, she's crazy. Nothing will stop that.
My heart goes out to you.
[This message edited by Numb2014 at 12:54 AM, July 7th (Monday)]
High school sweethearts. 14 years gone. He doesn't even care. It meant nothing to him.
False R-3/2011 to 6/2014
Found evidence going back 2 years. He's moving in with OW.
Posts: 233 | Registered: Jun 2014
Member # 43367
| Posted: 6:11 AM, July 7th (Monday)|
I am really sorry you are in this situation.
Please take time to decide if you will stay with your boyfriend.
It is quite likely the story he fed you is sugar coated for you and the reality is probably more brutal. He paints her as a stalker and a crazy woman, but the reality could be that he had an affair with her and this child was conceived as a result of them not using contraception.
It is very common for affair partners to not use a condom.
He might be minimizing the whole situation to prevent you from learning the truth, thus saving his ass.
At the end of the day, it was him who betrayed you, it was him who did not think about you when he had sex with her...
I am sorry to brutal, but do not be in denial.
I suggest you read a few books on infidelity before any decision is made and definitely go to counselling.
I have not posted my story here, but my WH had an affair with a COW who clearly tried with him for a child( cheaper than IVF)as she could not conceive with her husband.
I would have never taken him back if a child was born out of his infidelity as there will always be contact between his affair partner and your boyfriend.
He might not want to have anything to do with the child now, but he might bond with it in the future. Would you welcome this child in your home playing with your children? Are you not going to resent the fact that his father pays for him and your children have to go without something?
Will you welcome this child over the Christmas holidays?
I know where I draw the line in the sand and I am not a very forgiving person, it is up to you to draw your line, after having had counselling and having fully understood the consequences of your boyfriend's actions.
I wish you all the best.
Posts: 21 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Europe
Member # 1224
| Posted: 6:31 AM, July 7th (Monday)|
She may be a stalker but I find it hard to believe that they conceived after sex once.
I don't believe that story either. They were having an affair and had sex more than once.
I agree with cannotforgive, he is doing a typical wayward trickle-truth, watered-down version of what was really going on.
I am so sorry.
But remember, good love is hard to find . . -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
BS - 54
Married 26 yrs
DD - 21 DD -19 DS-17
A#1 2000 with married ho-worker/neighbor ow#1
A#2 2007-? OW#2 LTA with yet another married ho-worker. Kicked h
Posts: 631 | Registered: Mar 2003
Member # 8354
| Posted: 6:36 AM, July 7th (Monday)|
So basically you are telling us your boyfriend was raped.
If so then why on an infidelity site?
If you believe his story then he’s a victim and the OW a rapist.
Look – the ONLY way to deal with infidelity is through TRUTH.
Your BF had an affair.
If you get married do you think your relationship won’t ever reach a low? A low like the one he decided to pay OW a visit in?
IF you want to remain in a relationship with this man – with the constant reminder that the first cut of the pay-check goes to the child – then do so from a basis of TRUTH.
"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus
Posts: 5567 | Registered: Sep 2005
Member # 16953
| Posted: 7:38 AM, July 7th (Monday)|
I'm sorry this has happened to you. But your making a very common mistake. And that's allowing your WS to continue to lie to you by placing all the blame on the OP and acting like a victim. He is no innocent victim here. Affairs are not that clever. Take a good look at this story: A man in the most vulnerable position of his life is relentlessly pursued by an unscrupulous femme fatale. Unable to resist her devilish charms and advances he has a momentary lapse of judgment and sleeps with her. Unknown to him she has tampered with the condom to snare him into fathering a child. Wrought with guilt and ashamed of his one misdeed he falls into her trap to blackmail him. He attempts to pay her off even though the paternity of the child is unknown. But she ups the ante each time and he realizes that this will never go away. Awash with shame and guilt he contemplates suicide with a pistol on his lap. A divine text comes from the women he loves and he suddenly decides to choose life. Together they bravely confirm paternity and with much angst and sorrow the child is indeed his. He comes clean to the woman who saved his life and tells her this sordid tale where he is naturally the victim.
This stinks of a badly scripted Lifetime movie staring Tori Spelling, complete with all the drama money can buy. I think deep down you know that his story is just a load of bullshit. The more likely scenario is that he had a run of the mill A that resulted in her getting pregnant. Its a sad yet very common tale. Truth be told he most likely pursued the A jointly with the OW. They had unprotected sex many times and she got pregnant. Once that happened he was smacked upside the head from reality because she now called him on the promises made during the A. Unable and/or unwilling to make good on those promises he attempted to keep this from you while he tried to back away from OW. She naturally became pissed that he lied to her and used her for some NSA sex. She starts making threats and he tries to pay her off to no avail. She not only wants her child supported, she wants to expose him for what he did ergo her informing you. Now that he could no longer hide what has happened he gives you this nonsense story. And sadly your choosing to believe it. Again I'm very sorry this happened to you, but you need to wake up and see what's really going on.
[This message edited by stronger08 at 7:42 AM, July 7th (Monday)]
You cant eat soup with chopsticks.
Posts: 5828 | Registered: Nov 2007
Member # 42092
| Posted: 9:11 AM, July 7th (Monday)|
You can't decide to forgive someone who hasn't earned forgiveness. As much as it is tempting to rugsweep what happened and pretend you can just carry on with your plans for the future, put the brakes on and be careful. Your SO has been hiding this whole ordeal from your for months. Why did he lie to you? Why didn't he come clean on his own and share what happened? Fear and cowardice are not great character traits. If this had happened and he had told you himself, I would understand your standing by him. But consider the deceit and the double life he has been leading, and the fact that he was willing to keep you in the dark. That is a big red flag and it is something you need to face.
I'm so sorry for your pain.
Sit. Feast on your life.
Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Member # 43959
| Posted: 9:37 AM, July 7th (Monday)|
You have my sympathy for the hell you're going through. I'm with the others--there's more to it than he's saying. It sounds rather similar to the one my WH told me when he first confessed to infidelity. He thought he might have given me an std (it was a yeast infection) so he made up a story about going to meet a husband/wife pair he met on Facebook while he was traveling and while at the hotel pool after, he met another married couple, went to their room to talk, the husband left and the wife climbed on him out of the blue. After penetration, his sanity returned, he said, "No, no, I'm married! I can't do this!" She got off and he put his trunks back on and went back to his room in shock and shame. Yeah, I actually fell for it. Never checked his Facebook account or texts.
The reality was he had an EA with the Facebook woman, met her in a hotel while her husband watched their kids, had unprotected sex (She had her period--what could go wrong?) and ultimately had a 2 year affair with her. No OC, thank goodness. I discovered her and other women last March. TT until July 4, when he finally wrote up a timeline and I think he came clean. There's a leap of faith that must be made if we are to reconcile.
It's not your story, I know, but use it as a cautionary tale. Be wary. Don't be in a rush to decide anything. Go to IC and MC. Work on healing yourself.
Him-WS 50 Sorrowfulmate
Married 26 years, 5 kids
Dday #1 12/12 He made up a ONS
Dday #2. 3/14 EAs, 2 ONS, 1 LTA
TT until 7/14 Timeline given
Buttercup: We'll never survive.
Westley: Nonsense. You're only saying that because
Posts: 67 | Registered: Jul 2014
Member # 40684
| Posted: 10:06 AM, July 7th (Monday)|
I agree with what they are saying.. To many red flags for me. Really, I know you want to believe him but Id say maybe trust 10% of what he is saying. Start looking for the proof of what is really going on because I can guarantee you there is more to the story than he is telling you.
BS: Me (30)
WS: Husband (31)
Married 8 years, together 9
D-Day: Sept 10, 2013
D-Day2: May 31, 2014
Children: 5, ages 7, 5, 3, 1 and due in September
Leaning towards leaving, no one deserves this pain.
Posts: 205 | Registered: Sep 2013
Member # 12802
| Posted: 10:52 AM, July 7th (Monday)|
welcome to si theredhead . I'm so sorry you've had to find yourself here.
chances are, what your SO is telling you isn't the whole truth. In most infidelity situations, it rarely is at the beginning. There may be big lies, as well as probably lots of little ones that will come to light IF he chooses to be honest with you. Even then, you probably won't believe him and will continue to question him for a long while. It's par for the course.
I actually somewhat trust him already because after this, you think he'd be stupid enough to do this again?
gently... it's not a question of stupidity, but of poor coping mechanisms, boundaries, and selfish choices.
Life is full of "issues" for everyone and until he figures out why he chose to seek solace, relief, whatever, outside his relationship for his stresses, he will likely repeat them (maybe not infidelity, but in another unhealthy way). That is all on him... this is his work to do. His actions and willingness to dig deep and figure this out will be the best barometer for you to gauge how invested he is in reconciling, as well as his support of you and your healing.
As far as the OW and the OC.. if you have chosen not to be a part of the OC's life, then allow your attorney to deal with this. If you choose to terminate parental rights, you and your SO shouldn't have to have any interactions with either of them. All interactions until the legalities are finished should be done through your representation. If this is your choice and you two are in agreement on this and presenting a united front on it, then it's the right decision for you. No judgement here.
As hard as it is right now, your focus shouldn't be on the OW. In time (you'll learn to hate this word for a while), it'll become easier as you concentrate on your relationship. You can't control what she's done, or what she'll do.. only how you react to it. Her part in this, her intentions, don't change the fact that your SO willingly had sex with her, then hid the after effects from you. that's on him, and should be your focus right now. the less head space you give her gives you more to work on your healing and the healing of your relationship. easier said than done, I know.
keep reading and posting. this is a great bunch of people who have btdt and will light the way for you and walk through this with you. you're not alone.
From time to time, I do consider that I might be mad. Like any self-respecting lunatic, however, I am always quick to dismiss any doubts about my sanity. DK
Posts: 14866 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
Member # 35660
| Posted: 11:01 AM, July 7th (Monday)|
Red, those of us that have been on this site for some time have all the sympathy for what you're feeling. We've all experienced that pain. We are here for support.
But at the same time because we are veterans we have read a thousand stories that start out like yours. And every damn one of those stories turns out to not be what it was in the beginning. Yours unfortunately is no different. None of that story is true. She didn't pursue him. She didn't climb on top while he sat there confused. She didn't sabotage the condom. None of that is true.
The suicide letter is an appeal for your sympathy. He didn't throw money at her without a paternity test because he didn't want test going public. He knew that was his kid.
He's using every trick in the book to try and convince you that he's not the bad guy that he really is. He's had an affair. Not a ONS. A full blown affair. OW got pregnant and now there is an OC.
This is not a good guy. And you're fortunate that you're not married to him and you have no kids with him. You don't have to settle for him. Stand up. You will survive and be better for this experience. Go have a great life and leave that creep behind!
Posts: 184 | Registered: May 2012
Member # 27673
| Posted: 11:08 AM, July 7th (Monday)|
I know that this is hard for you, and you may not have even made it through all the other posts to read this one. You may feel like everyone here is off base....but there is something to say about experience. And I am not telling you outright what the truth really is---what I am telling you is to please absorb EVERYTHING that has been posted before me.
Infidelity is trauma to the betrayed. There is no way that you are thinking in a rational, logical sense, because you have just had your world turned upside down. Believe me...we have been there.
Do these two things, if you would--
(1) Take care of yourself first and foremost. Even the simplest of tasks, like eating, can be difficult to perform. Try to get yourself in as much as a "normal" routine as possible---even if you have to fake it.
(2) Keep posting. Listen to the advice with as open a mind as possible. This forum is NOT made up of a bunch of bitter, jaded people who think you should leave your SO today. There are many caring, compassionate people here, who have your best interests in mind. You would be doing yourself a huge disservice to not listen to what they are offering.
I hope that you stick with us. We really can help...if you are willing to put in the work.
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)
All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D
Posts: 2115 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
Member # 10468
| Posted: 11:13 AM, July 7th (Monday)|
I hope you are still reading. Some responses sound harsh - not the usual warm fuzzy welcome hugs. That is because your story strikes a chord with those of us who believed the first version of the story we were fed.
I can relate to your story in that my dday was very public and humiliating. We were both in public positions at the time and everyone, and I do mean everyone, knew about the cheating. While there was no child born there were lawyers involved and we were the center of major gossip for a few months. I couldn't leave him because he was the only other human being I knew who was being subjected to the same humiliation. We bonded over the results of his cheating, if that makes sense.
Reading your story reminded me that I still believe something I was told on the first dday (back in 2004). Just today for the first time I am wondering how I could have believed that crap. It is unbelievable how our minds want to believe the watered down version, because that version is something we can live with. Sadly, what usually happens is that we accept the initial version, complete with grieving and devastation, and when a small nugget of truth surfaces we are so beaten down that we just add that to the heap. Then it happens again and we add that to the heap. This is what we call TT, or trickle truth. It is very common and very damaging. Around here you will read of people wanting a timeline. Usually this timeline is needed by the betrayed spouse so that he/she can start to put together the real story.
I so wish I could just welcome you with big hugs and tell you to keep reading, keep posting and drink lots of fluids. However, your story is such that most of us know there is more to it. We aren't judging - because we've been there - we are hoping to save you from even more pain and devastation by urging you to dig deeper.
I want to point out just a couple things:
He said he didn't finish inside her. This doesn't ring true seeing that he did, indeed, father the child.
He has been in major contact with her for what seems to be a very long time, perhaps since 2011? (paying her money, probably because he knew the child was his). This contact was kept secret from you.
Welcome to SI and I am so sorry you are here. I will tell you that this is the only place I found that helped me. I didn't find SI until a couple years after dday and when I did my healing took off.
Keep reading, posting and drink plenty of fluids. You will get through this.
Ddays 2004 & 2007
I cut my losses mid 2013
Feeling happier every day :)
Posts: 6156 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Florida
Member # 43075
| Posted: 11:24 AM, July 7th (Monday)|
If you are on the verge of getting married to this cheating liar, then you are on the verge of being the victim of more unfaithfulness and eventual divorce once you realize you can't take it any more.
You will be starting a marriage with multiple handicaps: unfaithfulness, lies and an OC which means repeated contact with OW. Can you see that coming?
Where is his remorse? He hasn't even come clean on what happened. Are you expected to believe the defective condom story? They don't instantly slide on, you know. He had time to bail out if that story is true. He chose not to do so. However, it is far more likely here WS an ongoing affair without birth control.
Getting engaged isn't a goal, nor is getting married. Who you marry is far more important. The relationship,is based on implicit trust in the spouse, which is why infidelity is so devastating. Read any of the threads,here to emphasize that lesson.
This is one that can't be forgiven and forgotten. The consequence of his choice is a child who is likely to be in your life for years. Unless you decide WBF isn't the one for you, after all.
Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
Member # 8271
| Posted: 11:33 AM, July 7th (Monday)|
The first time my husband cheated they didn't have sex. Well, then they had sex just one time. Then they had sex multiple times but used condoms every time but there was never oral sex. The final story, they had sex every time they got together in any way she would let him. The vasectomy he'd had years early likely saved me from being where you are but it didn't do anything to save me from the high risk HPV I contracted from him.
He was contrite. He was sorry. He was the model husband for seven years. Then he went away for work. Three months later he came home and about a month after that I got a phone call at work from a husband.
They kissed once but nothing else happened because it didn't feel right. "I swear, I never had sex with her." "Look me in the eye, I didn't sleep with her." "I promise I would not do that to you after what we went through last time."
Six months later, the final story, they had sex every time they got together in any way she would let him.
It's called trickle truth and it hurts like a bitch and most of them do it. I hope your boyfriend is being honest but it's pretty unlikely so brace yourself. If it doesn't line up with what you know is logical, you won't be able to let it go and it will be source of anguish for a long time.
What it boils down to is: HE cheated. HE lied. Period. If he didn't have it in him to cheat and lie, he wouldn't have been over there in the first place and there would be NO baby. It may have been once, it may have been fifty times, but if he doesn't do the work on changing his coping mechanisms and his boundaries with other women, he will probably do it again as soon as things die down a bit and he becomes complacent. And if he isn't telling you the truth and you get bits and pieces over time, each little bit will be a new knife in your heart.
Read in the healing library. Try to get him to read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass or "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" which is an ebook you can download (it's very short). If he won't do that much for you, you can bet he won't do much at all.
Try to keep yourself hydrated and get some nutrition shakes if you're having trouble eating. This is a roller coaster of pain. So sorry you're on it.
"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson
Posts: 4265 | Registered: Sep 2005
Member # 2027
| Posted: 12:23 PM, July 7th (Monday)|
I know the advice you are getting here is not what you want to hear. I know you want to believe your WSO.
But please, please, please use your common sense.
He is minimizing this "encounter" in every way possible to make himself appear as a victim. (Either she punched a hole in the condom or stuffed it inside of her. - Seriously??) If she were truly obsessed with your SO, she wouldn't accept $ to end contact. She would continue pushing for a relationship.
Take it from someone who has been-there-done-that; There is WAY MORE to this story.
It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
OC born 2001
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)
Posts: 8037 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Member # 41639
| Posted: 12:39 PM, July 7th (Monday)|
Red, I'm sorry to see you here. I'm also sorry about the paternity test results. Try as we may, we can't erase affairs, and you have the extra burden of another life here as a reminder.
Take care of yourself. Visit your doctor, get tested for STDs, ask your doctor to recommend a counselor - do individual and joint counseling. Ask your SO to tell you the details again, and again and again...if he lied or minimized the encounter, telling you the details again and again should bring that to the surface.
Don't rush into marriage.
Don't rush into forgiveness - you will go through cycles of hurt and anger. Forgiveness takes time.
Your SO has lost all his right to privacy - track his phone, have him post selfies when he's not at work, all his email accts must be made available to you, all his credit card statements, you know how much cash he has in his wallet in the morning and how much he has at the end of the day, etc. My hubby even bought a device that takes photos every 30 seconds and sends them to me. He did it gladly to earn back my trust.
I wish you healing. I hope this site helps. Keep us all posted.
Posts: 16 | Registered: Dec 2013
Member # 36711
| Posted: 1:03 PM, July 7th (Monday)|
I'm sorry for your plight.
Just to add additional perspective, I supposedly caught chlamydia from a husband who only hugged someone in a hallway after having drinks together in a bar. It took a very long time before the truth to eventually start trickling out. Ridiculous. He had sex it turned out. They don't like to admit the truth because it makes them feel bad. Be careful.
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.
Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
Member # 37168
| Posted: 1:58 AM, July 8th (Tuesday)|
I would endorse what they others have said. Be very very careful.
I found out 6 weeks ago that my WH's OC was not conceived in a drunken ONS, but as a result of a 10 year "fuck buddy" relationship. I was only told when OC was 2 and I went ahead with M after that. OC is now 6 and although there is hardly any relationship with OC, the relationship with OW continued until 6 weeks ago, usually whilst OWH was babysitting. I feel such a fool for having believed him through fake R and TT.
Now that WH has dumped OW, she is claiming child support having never wanted money before. Paternity has never been tested, but now she wants money for her sexual services, WH is taking the DNA test next week. There is still the possibility that the OC is not my WH's at all.
You know the situation from the beginning. You can get out now. You definitely know that OC is your WF's, you are not married yet. You can make clearer choices. You can walk away.
If you decide to stay with him, you have to define what you can tolerate regarding OC. I can tell you, it cuts me up every day and is very hard to bear. You will have this every day of your life. Your WF may have to pay maintenance, but he does not need to have any contact unless he wants to and you are OK with that. If he has contact with OC, he does not need to have contact with OW. It could be arranged through a third party (although be careful about that, as he might agree to that and still see OW).
Good luck. It is a very tough choice you have to make and only stay if you can really be sure he is remorseful reformed and devoted to helping you heal. Don't take his word for it.
Posts: 266 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: UK
|Topic Posts: 24|| |