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Just Found Out
User Topic: Continuation - week 2 after D day
Tigaress
Member
Member # 43954
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, July 7th (Monday)

Hello my friends, I am so glad I found this place. Last week I spent so much time on this site and managed to preserve my sanity this way. Here is what happened today after my husband ended his silent treatment. Just as a reminder, I had found proof in his email last Sunday that he had gone on three dates with another woman and kissed her. He says nothing else happened and overall minimizes everything but I have the suspicion that there were more women, at least emotional affairs, maybe even more.
He gave me silent treatment from Tuesday through Sunday, although I really wanted to talk to him on Wednesday. But he did not pick up the phone or respond to my texts then. Yesterday, he left me a voice mail that he wanted to talk to me but I did not call back. Instead I texted him this morning that I felt very betrayed, that I was not ready to talk to him. After disrespecting me with the affair he should at least respect my wish to not be in touch for now. Of course he did not - he started texting about half an hour ago. Here is the first text "you are analyzing it way too much and hurting yourself and the baby in the process ... there's absolutely no physical emotional connection w that woman and you have made a mountain out of a molehill. Easy for me to say but you should get strong and normal and please put this behind you" then he went on complaining that I had looked into his email, minimizing his dates, that he was missing the baby. I repeated my request for no contact with the woman and he wrote 'Ok I will do that I promise'. Let's see if he will show me an email as I requested. Then I requested full transparency on emails, Facebook etc. He said yes but only if I did the same. But I am not the cheater I don't see why I need to give him access? He went back to complaining about me 'hacking into his email' which he had left open on my computer. One quote was over two separate texts 'you are so beautiful' 'so your creepy behavior is hidden' - very hurtful. I agreed to regularly send him fotos of our baby and my mother let him know that if he wanted to get anything from the apartment or spend time with the baby she'd coordinate with him. My heart is racing and I'm sweating right now. What do you all think about this, what should I do now?

[This message edited by Tigaress at 1:05 PM, July 7th (Monday)]


Posts: 183 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: New York
brokenblackbird
Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, July 7th (Monday)

Your husband DATED a woman who he kissed. There was likely more, but waywards typically water down the version they give you. If there wasn't more, it was because he didn't have enough time to seal the deal.

What is it he is giving you? Transparency? No. Although he is offering it, if he can have access to yours. Transparency is a two-way street. Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. In your case though, it sounds like he is ready to go fishing in your email for anything trivial he can find.

Has he gone NC? No. In fact, he may even be with her while he is ignoring you. You only know what a known liar has told you, so you don't know anything.

Is he helping you heal? No. He is calling you names and telling you that you aren't normal. Who does this? Someone covering up for themselves to take the spotlight off what they have done by showing how abnormal you are.

What should you do? Nothing. He isn't showing you anything other than he isn't remorseful. The only thing different is he is talking/texting you. Other than that, what has changed?


Posts: 777 | Registered: Sep 2010
Tigaress
Member
Member # 43954
Default  Posted: 1:59 PM, July 7th (Monday)

Thank you blackbird for responding. I know you're right.
Just wish I wouldn't have those panic-attack like feelings after every contact from him :-(

Posts: 183 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: New York
brokenblackbird
Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, July 7th (Monday)

That is some of the hardest parts. The thoughts and the what-ifs and the hope we hold onto that just seems to hurt us.

((hugs))

I hate that any of us has to be here. :(


Posts: 777 | Registered: Sep 2010
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, July 7th (Monday)

He is not remorseful. He wants to rugsweep. He wants to manipulate you. He wants to keep the status quo and will swing from seeming sorry to playing the victim card about the baby to minimizing what happened (ie gaslighting you) and just generally to make your up seem down.

The only thing that can preserve you from getting lost in his manipulation is keeping your distance. Don't engage. Don't try to reach out. Don't listen. Build up your strength and take care of yourself and as much as you can, ignore him. His words mean less than nothing. They are NOT remorse. They do not show a man who will acknowledge your hurt or try to change.

You are doing great honey.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Skan
Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, July 7th (Monday)

Perhaps what you need to do now is to block him from your phone. If he has something important to say concerning the baby or finances, he can contact your mom and she can pass the message along. You certainly don''t need the stress of his harassment!

Note that, last week when you wanted to talk, he went incommunicado on you. Now, when you need silence, he is showing you the utmost disrespect by disregarding you asking him for no contact and by blowing up your phone. This is not a person filled with remorse. These are the actions of an arse.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4949 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
ArkLaMiss
Member
Member # 14918
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, July 7th (Monday)

Get checked for stds, girl. Also, talk to an attorney to find out your legal rights. Do NOT talk to him! He's blaming YOU for his shitty behavior and you ain't the problem, I promise. Keep radio silence, he's testing you. Go totally silent on him.


Just HOW stupid do you think I am, exactly?

Posts: 1203 | Registered: Jun 2007
Tigaress
Member
Member # 43954
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, July 7th (Monday)

ArkLaMiss - well, at least there's no risk for STD because he hasn't touched me in 18 months.
My head is spinning from the conversation with him. You are all right, he is manipulating me. Also his family seems to have aligned with him that 'nothing really happened.' But I'm feeling too weak and broken to step up and set him straight. Instead, I crawl in a corner and cry. How is it possible that I feel like a complete emotional wreck, worse even than last week, even though nothing new has happened?

Posts: 183 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: New York
ShiningAutumn8
Member
Member # 42558
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, July 7th (Monday)

I agreed to regularly send him fotos of our baby

Bad idea. This is just a tactic by him to keep you in communication, to keep you in regular contact. It gives him a "string" to tug at.

If eh wants to see the baby, he can arrange with your mother.

Believe me, he will be just fine not getting regular fotos of the baby from you. If I had to guess, he spent more time looking at online fotos of women then fotos of your baby anyway.

You don't owe him anything, and certainly not "regular fotos" sent to his phone


Posts: 468 | Registered: Feb 2014
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, July 7th (Monday)

Transparency is a two way street..IF you have a remorseful wayward spouse.

This man has betrayed you. He has shown he isn't a safe person for you. Why on Earth would you open up your accounts to him? So he can read your messages to your girlfriends about how much you're hurting? So he can read your posts here?

HA!!


No.

I think after dday a BS should take steps to protect themselves..and that means NOT giving your wayward full access to your most private thoughts.

He isn't remorseful. He is blaming you.


Fuck that guy.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7697 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Tigaress
Member
Member # 43954
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, July 7th (Monday)

Good point about the photos but it's less of a problem than it sounds. I only added my husband back to the Facebook site that I have for my baby. I post lots of photos and videos and all family members and friends who are interested in seeing them are baby's FBfriends. I had de-friended my husband last Sunday. So I'm not really emailing him photos every day, he just sees again what the rest of our family/friends see.
About the transparency - yes, at this point I could not imagine giving him access to my accounts. And he would definitely be searching with a fine tooth comb for anything that he could use against me :-( I find it hard to imagine that other couples that are working towards reconciliation are doing the mutual transparency. I understand that there are so many 'relapses'. Is that really the process?
With all this stress I've now also fallen ill and can't even go to the gym to get rid of my anger for a few days :-(

Posts: 183 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: New York
steppingup
Member
Member # 42650
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, July 7th (Monday)

It is very unlikely that you got the full truth, the OW also didnt get the full truth. He is likely having a good time and now being caught with his hand in the cookie jar is like a typical child lying and trying to get you to take your focus off his failures as a man and a husband. He already feels like a failure and you remind him of his mistakes. He wants to you say, "oh well was just a kiss, hell even tv actors kiss"...no, you were lied to and he was going for the have his cake and eat it too affair. Lucky you, you found out. I found out by accident too. Most affairs are discoved this way. For the sake of your sanity, you need help, get a counselor and send him to counseling too. You pick the counselor for him. Good luck.


Her (WW 40s) Me (BH, 40s) very young DS & DD

“Whatever follows after DD is much more crucial than the infidelity action itself” Quote by SI Member Melian40

"I'm a good man, not an option" - Steppingup


Posts: 505 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CALI
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, July 7th (Monday)

I find it hard to imagine that other couples that are working towards reconciliation are doing the mutual transparency.

Reconciliation is very different from what you are experiencing. Actually, simultaneous transparency is rather useful. Radical honesty is a concept that runs both ways.

But....

he would definitely be searching with a fine tooth comb for anything that he could use against me

and
He gave me silent treatment from Tuesday through Sunday

and
"you are analyzing it way too much and hurting yourself and the baby in the process ... there's absolutely no physical emotional connection w that woman and you have made a mountain out of a molehill. Easy for me to say but you should get strong and normal and please put this behind you"

all scream that he's nowhere close to R.

Stay strong


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2995 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Tigaress
Member
Member # 43954
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, July 7th (Monday)

I'd love to send him to a counselor but so far he absolutely refused. He went to marriage counseling with me before, we tried twice. The first therapist sided with me and that was it, he never went again. The second counselor did a better job but we couldn't get much work done because we were either having vicious fights during the session or he canceled last minute. It has never been possible to have a constructive 'fight' with my husband as long as I know him. In the end the counselor fired us for canceling too often!
He urgently would need to see an individual therapist but for him that is very stigmatized and not acceptable. Also, he'll be traveling quite a bit soon (for a new job, hopefully) and that would not allow to build a relationship with a therapist, I guess.
I have a therapist who I've been seeing for a while.. but without this site here I'd be seriously lost. I'm so grateful :-)

Posts: 183 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: New York
Tigaress
Member
Member # 43954
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, July 7th (Monday)

Having one of these moments with sky high anxiety / panic attack-like feelings ... would love to know what helped you in those situations? How did you get over those times? Thank you :-)

Posts: 183 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: New York
Christy516
Member
Member # 42546
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, July 7th (Monday)

Tigaress - i would start reminding myself of times that i was capable and successfu. Job related, parenting related, friend related - it ddoesn't matter what. One of the things taken from me was my sense of who i was. I wasn' t a partner in a good M like i thought. My life felt like a fun house with all the crazy mirrors. Reminding myself that i can handle bad situations, some big some really small helped.

And don't try to look too far ahead. Get through this minute, this hour, this night. Worry about ttomorrow, tomorrow.

You will be ok. I know it doesn't feel like it. Try to remember that every person on this site, every person offering advice and support has been exactly where you are emotionally right now. It does get better.


Me: 44
Him: 39
DD: 1/5/14 (the final one)
Trying to recover

Posts: 161 | Registered: Feb 2014
Tigaress
Member
Member # 43954
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, July 7th (Monday)

((Christy516)) Thank you!

Posts: 183 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: New York
overandone
Member
Member # 39162
Default  Posted: 2:54 AM, July 8th (Tuesday)

Sorry Tigares, but this rang huge alarm bells for me

'ArkLaMiss - well, at least there's no risk for STD because he hasn't touched me in 18 months.'

Likely he's getting something elsewhere?


Me - BW (54)
Him - fWS (61)
kiddies - daughters 22 and 27,son 22,
d-day - April 18 2012
R - but lots of bumps in the long road

Posts: 230 | Registered: May 2013 | From: uk
Tigaress
Member
Member # 43954
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, July 8th (Tuesday)

Hi overandone - who knows.. he is a quite vain person, himself very fit, and could not stand my pregnant body. And because I'm not yet back in pre-baby shape all I've been getting is criticism...

Posts: 183 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: New York
brokenblackbird
Member
Member # 29541
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, July 8th (Tuesday)

And because I'm not yet back in pre-baby shape all I've been getting is criticism...

This is also a giant RED FLAG for him having an affair. Putting you down and putting you in your place.

I understand the want to send him to a counselor and fix him, but that isn't where your energy (even mental energy) should be focused. Focus on YOU and getting you healed. Focus on safe boundaries and counseling for YOU.


Posts: 777 | Registered: Sep 2010
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, July 8th (Tuesday)

Ugh!

This man is NOT remorseful in the LEAST!

He thinks everything he did was A-OK and that YOU'RE the problem and you just need to shut the hell up and move on.

After all, it's YOU 'hurting the baby.'

What a crock of bull.

And you're right to suspect a lot more. The guy is very practiced at deceit. For every rat you DO see, there are 50 you DON'T.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1819 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, July 8th (Tuesday)

ArkLaMiss - well, at least there's no risk for STD because he hasn't touched me in 18 months.

And he'd HONESTLY have you believe he's been a choir boy and only 'kissed' one woman in these last 18 months?

I'd order up a polygraph test for Mr. Unremorseful. But I have to tell you, you don't nearly know the whole story. You only uncapped the very tip of the iceberg.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1819 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
crazycatlady
Member
Member # 12849
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, July 8th (Tuesday)

Bitch boots on. Who the fuck does he think he is. Dates? Kissing women. And he's married wit a child. Time to lace up and get mad.

No contact unless it's finances or child care.
180 and move on. Get allies, you have the now get them.

See a lawyer too. Good luck.


Love all, trust a few. Do wrong to none.
William Shakespeare "All's Well That Ends Well"
D-Day: Nov 30, 2006
"For I have sworn thee fair, and thought thee bright, who art as black as hell, as dark as night."
William Shakespeare

Posts: 1713 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Etherville
Tigaress
Member
Member # 43954
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, July 13th (Sunday)

He is here, my husband is visiting. He is in the living room with the baby and my mother. I am hiding out in the bedroom. Made him announce his visit - he hates it - and told him I was not ready to see him. But now I feel like a coward, locking myself here. On the other hand, if I go outside I know that I'll end up talking to him and it won't be a short conversation. And I don't have the strength for that at this point, I finally managed to pull myself together a bit. He is going to travel out of the country in a week and will probably take some of his things with him today. I told him I would sit with him and talk when he's back, in about a month. Why am I feeling that it's the wrong thing to stay in here and avoid him?

Posts: 183 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: New York
Tigaress
Member
Member # 43954
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, July 13th (Sunday)

Also - I had requested that he'd end all contact with the woman (the one he 'only kissed') and he said yes he'd do that. But I have not heard anything else about that since. Assuming he hasn't done it, right? It was my condition for talking to him ... :-(

Posts: 183 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: New York
Topic Posts: 25