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Just Found Out
User Topic: Angry and defensive.
Bookworm428
New Member
Member # 43612
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, July 7th (Monday)

It's been over a month since our last conversation and we've been moving steadily on. Well...I think my WH has been pleasantly surprised that I've seemingly let it go. I've been trying not to let it effect our relationship on a day to day basis because we're trying to rebuild everything.

Anyway, I am feeling paranoid lately because he's about to go on army training for three weeks. He's not going to be completely out of communication even though he's going to be out in the field--he's going to have his Iphone and his laptop (which started the whole thing to begin with) I asked him today if OW had been in contact with him again. She had sent him a few emails after he told her I found out what was going on and he did show me the emails and his ONE response (where he told her not to contact him anymore) He got really angry and defensive and ACTUALLY managed to make me feel guilty for asking. He said something like "NO SHE HASN'T! Why on earth are you asking??" I kind of thought that would be obvious, but I didn't want to mess up our day, so I just let it drop. It makes me feel angry that he gets angry about me not fully trusting him--it's only been about 5 months and HE'S the one who messed up. Is this normal behavior for a cheater or is he going on the defense to try to cover up something? He says he just hates even thinking about it because he feels so guilty. I want to trust him, but...well...you guys know. It's hard to.


Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
OakStreet
Member
Member # 41193
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, July 7th (Monday)

((Bookworm428))

It's called rugsweeping.

He doesn't want to talk about it because it makes him feel uncomfortable.

He needs to understand YOUR needs. It's possible he is hiding something, but just as likely he wants to forget IT and wants you to forget IT.

You should have a discussion with him about this. He did betray you, he lost your trust and you can't help the way you feel.

My WH did the same thing. They just don't want to face their flaws.

Good luck!


Me: 58
Him: 65
Married: 21 years (well, we'll say 19 now!).
One son: 19, 2 adult stepdaughters
DDay: Oct. 14, 2013
18 month EA/PA with COW
Dday #2: 4/16/14 - took it underground for 5 months.
Haven't decided on outcome.

Posts: 458 | Registered: Nov 2013
Sillyshiloh
New Member
Member # 43900
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, July 8th (Tuesday)

I'm in the exact same place as you right now in that my husband gets very defensive if I question anything. The problem with my issue is that the affair happened 11 years ago (I just found out via 11 year old email correspondence) I can't seem to get the closure I need. It sounds like you have at least gotten some closure and have been able to move on somewhat. ....that to me is a positive. I hope you have the strength and will to create a happy new beginning.


Me - 47
WS - 48
Together 30 years - married almost 25

WS betrayed me 11 years ago....just found out.

DDay, May 15, 2014


Posts: 13 | Registered: Jun 2014
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, July 8th (Tuesday)

I know you may not have wanted to mess up a good day by mentioning the A to your WS, but that is what he is counting on when he snaps at you..

You end up dropping it..Enough of this same kind of interaction, he assumes that he has you trained to shut up and swallow things every time he bites your head off..

Let him bite your head off..I think you will get more clarity of your situation in the long run,based on your WH's actions and interactions with you..

With this clarity you may be able to save yourself from a false R..


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1205 | Registered: Nov 2011
Bookworm428
New Member
Member # 43612
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, July 8th (Tuesday)

Thanks for the advice. He's been pretty snappy about it (citing reasons I previously stated) I guess you're right about him counting on that. I think he's also counting on my guilt as well. As completely UNJUSTIFIED as it is, I do feel guilt over what happened. Like if I were a better wife, he wouldn't have done that. I KNOW it's completely idiotic for me to blame myself like that, but I do.

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
Bookworm428
New Member
Member # 43612
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, July 8th (Tuesday)

Thanks for the advice. He's been pretty snappy about it (citing reasons I previously stated) I guess you're right about him counting on that. I think he's also counting on my guilt as well. As completely UNJUSTIFIED as it is, I do feel guilt over what happened. Like if I were a better wife, he wouldn't have done that. I KNOW it's completely idiotic for me to blame myself like that, but I do.

Posts: 21 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, July 8th (Tuesday)

but I didn't want to mess up our day, so I just let it drop. It makes me feel angry that he gets angry about me not fully trusting him--it's only been about 5 months and HE'S the one who messed up. Is this normal behavior for a cheater or is he going on the defense to try to cover up something? He says he just hates even thinking about it because he feels so guilty. I want to trust him, but...well...you guys know. It's hard to.

Is this normal behavior for a REMORSEFUL cheater? Nope.

Is it normal behavior for a guy whose wife has continually rug-swept his bad behavior because she didn't want to upset him?

I'm afraid so.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1766 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, July 8th (Tuesday)

Bookworm honey, you need to step back.
What you are doing is not R. It is rugsweeping, and it will end badly.

He has not taken ownership of his actions, and he certainly doesn't get it. If he did he would know that you are never going to trust him like you did before, and he would do anything and everything to help you regain some level of trust.

Quit walking on eggshells around him it's unhealthy for you. Are you happy living like this, with that gnawing feeling constantly in the background of is he being good? If I say something he will be angry. If I was only the perfect stepford wife he wouldn't have done this to us.

Accept the fact that he is a broken man, that will remain broken until he opens that box of ugly and says I did this this all on me. I own this. This was my choice not yours. You are not to blame. Stop playing happy wife, and call him out on his bullshit.

In the meantime, set some hard boundaries, and while he is gone start getting your ducks in a row. Start figuring out how to be happy being you without him. See a lawyer, see a therapist, figure out what you want out of life. Then start demanding the love, respect, and honor you deserve. He will either suddenly realize you are not going to take it, and get his shit together, or not. If he doesn't you didn't want or need him anyway.

(((and strength)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8600 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Topic Posts: 8