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User Topic: Insecuraholics Anonymous
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, July 8th (Tuesday)

Wasn't going to post this. But SI is my therapist. Thank you Jesus for SI. So whatever. Here it is.

It's no surprise I'm a recovering insecuraholic. It's no secret what I've uncovered so far. Mother who made snide comments when I hit puberty, boyfriend who cheated with the exact physical opposite, "friends" who tore me down. I've seen all these elements, plus my own self inflicted stuff. Becoming a mother myself. Earning my mommy stripes. Yada yada.

I was visiting with my best friend today and I told her, I feel so stuck. I work so hard at my insecurities but it is so.easy to get sucked back in. And it doesn't really matter what I do, what I change, it's still there simmering under the surface. I don't know how to describe it other than something similar to an eating disorder. Please understand I'm not making light of real eating disorders. I'm not comparing. It's just the closest thing I can think of to describe how I feel. An obsessive, anxiety filled, nightmare. Body flaws out the wazoo. It doesn't stop. I feel...out of control, empty, disgusting...disordered.

Oh, disclaimer - please do not start with any positive affirmation "you're amazing" stuff. This is not an ego kibble seeking post by any stretch of the imagination.

Aaaanyway, couple things started this. There was a mommy bathing suit post in OT. DD8 came in the kitchen whining the other day about being fat and needing to work out because she was fat. QS and I were talking last night and he shared a story he'd heard a couple day prior about a mother who doesn't have an ideal body but wears whatever bathing suit she wants because she doesn't want her children to see her lack of confidence. She wants her kids to believe they can look perfectly fine in whatever they want. Comfortable in their own skin.

And with that discussion, something in my mind clicked. I heard the "click". I was that 7, 8 year old girl, sitting in the floor, putting pressure on Mother's feet while she did 300 crunches a day. I sat there and watched her ride 5 to 10 miles a day on her stationary bike. I saw her eat nothing all day, sipping only Diet Coke, and eating a tiny meal at dinner when Dad was home. I was encouraged to "be healthy" and "exercise" but the only time my Mother did it was when she felt fat and needed to keep her weight under control. There were NEVER evening walks just for the heck of it. We didn't do physical stuff for fun. It was all hinged on weight loss and the fear of fat.

I. Hate. Working. Out. Why? Because if I work out, if I exercise, I am admitting I'm fat. I'm admitting something is wrong with me and I have to fix it. Not that my muscles need to move. Not that my blood needs to flow. Not that it's heart healthy. No. I'm fat. I'm a cow. I need to work out to not be included in that label of "eww, fat." (Have I mentioned how incredibly superficial and critical my FOO is?) I look at people who are all physical and "love" to run like they are insane. Who does that crap? Why are you working out, why are you running, you're body is perfect. Go home. You're done.

I have a daughter. Because of my own mother's comments, I am VERY careful what I say about my body or weight when DD is around. I do not want her to have this struggle. But in the meanwhile, I can't figure out how to defeat the war in my own mind. I can't figure out how to ditch that negative view on movement, even when I see results, I see statistics, I see people like TCD who kick butt and take names, I see the benefits, but for some reason I cannot make that switch in my head.

I encourage my kids. They love to move. They love the outdoors. They are wicked active. I want to NOT hate exercise and working out. I want to enjoy participating with my kids. Not secretly pray the sun goes down faster so I can curl up and read a book.

QS adores me. Has never faltered from it. He accepts it all. Every stage of my adult life. Pre and post babies. He has never pushed me away. Unless he was depressed. And I completely understand that was a mental battle for him and had nothing to do with me. I *know* all of this. And I do ok for a little bit, but then I feel the anxiety welling up again. I don't feel comfortable in anything but a bathrobe, under a blanket, hidden in my room. I pull my clothes constantly, I adjust all the time. I shake as I walk into church. I keep my head down. I don't want to know who is or is not looking.

I feel mental. Maybe I am. I should be able to just accept everything I know in my head. But I cannot seem to make the connection. I am proud of the progress I've made so far. Mentally and emotionally. But I look at the rest of me and think "eww". I'm one of those "It's what's inside that counts" people.

Don't even know if I should post this here. But I don't know where else to take it.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6426 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, July 8th (Tuesday)

Seems like you have two goals in the post,

First one, how to become ok with how you look and
Two, How to become ok with some sort of exercise that doesn't feel like exercise to you

Am I correct?


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5155 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, July 8th (Tuesday)

Oh yeah, duh. Forgot.

I think so?

I don't know how to be ok with all of me. I get how to do the mental and emotional things. Personal affirmations of "I was that person, I'm not anymore." Working on flaws and seeing progress. But how exactly do you do that with a physical appearance when you cannot abide the sight of yourself in the mirror?

Like I said, there are times of progress. But when I hit a regression, it hits haaaard. No clue what triggers them. So no way to prevent them.

[This message edited by Aubrie at 9:37 PM, July 8th (Tuesday)]


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6426 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
isadora
Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, July 8th (Tuesday)

I was raised in an environment with a "healthy" attitude toeards exercise. We were just encouraged to be active and play organized sports. It is tougher to exercise when weight loss is the primary goal. I have exercised for fun before kids and to lose weight post kid. I am no where near my ideal weight. I wish I could exercise more like in my youth rather than focusing more on my waistline. When I get out and just go hiking with my kiddos, I have infinitely more fun doing the activity.

It might be worth it to explore what you felt watching your Mom. I still have that good muscle memory of when exercise was fun. Maybe getting out and doing fun active things with your kiddos will help you build that good muscle memory. It takes time.


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 12 yrs
2 DDs and DSs all under 10
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4513 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, July 8th (Tuesday)

Have you read the book " Will I ever be good enough? Healing the daughters of Narcissistic mothers. By Karyl McBride ?

This is a great book for a female to read coming from a parent that has any NPD characteristics. There are also some exercises in that book to help work on body self image issues. Very specific things to do. Not look and talk to yourself stuff. More involved than that.

As to the other thing, what could be something that you could do that would active that wouldn't feel like exercise?


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5155 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
tangledknot
Member
Member # 43927
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, July 8th (Tuesday)

....raising hand...Hi, I'm Tangledknot and I'm an insecuraholic.

I have found that challenging myself physically has made me appreciate and love my body. I am not perfect and I have my physical flaws, but experiencing the amazing things my body can do makes those flaws seem a lot less important, and I can appreciate its beauty.

My advice would be to try something radical and new, whether it be jogging or belly dancing classes.


Posts: 176 | Registered: Jun 2014
ophelia24
Member
Member # 38438
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, July 8th (Tuesday)

I think this is a great place to bring this, as I believe how we feel about ourselves and how "mental" we feel is very much connected to why we had affairs.

You sound so much like me. The incessant critique that goes on in our heads, the self loathing concerning our bodies and a need to hide under the covers. That voice is pretty harsh. I too had a mother who was always dieting, and at one stage needed to be hospitalised when she weighed around 70 pounds. I also had a stepmother who was small and never grappled with her weight and I felt very much compared to her by my father who had his own issues around women and weight (lots of snide comments at a formative in my development). For me, weight loss/dieting has always been associated with exercise. I NEVER exercised to feel strong and healthy or for mental wellbeing, but rather as a punishing weight loss tool. Needless to say, my big exercise plans never were able to be sustained. Which would lead to more self loathing about how useless I was etc etc. A vicious circle that has occurred my whole life. And wears the soul right down.

I have huge triggers when it comes to exercising and currently I am forcing myself to get out of bed, out from under the covers and walk for at least an hour down by the river. I now listen to music as I walk and have made playlists from Spotify. I pay attention to my body moving, my legs moving, my breathing, the environment around me and tell myself that this is ENOUGH for now. It feels like a huge achievement to just get out and do this, and helps to ameliorate the berating talk that goes on my head. I now know that I will feel good for the rest of the day. It also gives me energy to do things around the house, have a shower even.

It is a baby step, but those steps add up.

I just read a great book called "Appetites" by Caroline Knapp who addresses really well that emptiness and sadness we have inside. The hatred and monitoring of our bodies and how focussing on our weight stops us from doing and thinking about a whole heap of other things. However, all the analysing of the Whys in the world will do very little if not accompanied by a willingness to DO. It is those small, yet significant actions (like my walk each day) that add up to us moving somewhere else. Moving forward.

Pick one thing to do each day, even if it is to walk for 30 minutes and while you are walking, think about what your amazing body does for you each day. Baby steps.

[This message edited by ophelia24 at 10:48 PM, July 8th (Tuesday)]


“Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.”
― James Baldwin

Posts: 283 | Registered: Feb 2013
Wayflost
Member
Member # 41583
Default  Posted: 12:35 AM, July 9th (Wednesday)

I'm seconding tired girl's recommendation, even though I know the book is on your list. It has been huge for me to understand how I became the person I am today.

It's fantastic, but it hurts.

It'll help with that need to feed the critical beast.


Me: WW
Him: BH (totalheartbreak)
Both: 30s

Posts: 488 | Registered: Dec 2013
FinallyHappy
Member
Member # 308
Default  Posted: 4:42 AM, July 9th (Wednesday)

Aubrie, I have to say that I understand precisely *none* of your body issues (and those of TCD). I think you're both gorgeous.

I hope Fallen might be perusing old haunts and responds to this.

Is there anything you find 'fun' that might get you out and about (or something QS might be willing to do with you)?

Bicycling is great and not like 'working out'. So is working in the yard or antiquing.

Hiding under a blanket in a robe and reading is a cop out, lady. Not in, you like to do it? Me too! But don't blame liking to read and veg for your lack of activity.

A physical activity that you LOVE does not equal 'working out'. I've never in my life 'worked out', and neither has any of my family. My stuff was horses, sisters' was track and field and piano, and brothers' was working for dad for college money and flying lessons.

I was that 7, 8 year old girl, sitting in the floor, putting pressure on Mother's feet while she did 300 crunches a day. I sat there and watched her ride 5 to 10 miles a day on her stationary bike. I saw her eat nothing all day, sipping only Diet Coke, and eating a tiny meal at dinner when Dad was home. I was encouraged to "be healthy" and "exercise" but the only time my Mother did it was when she felt fat and needed to keep her weight under control. There were NEVER evening walks just for the heck of it. We didn't do physical stuff for fun. It was all hinged on weight loss and the fear of fat.

Yeah, and that's NOT NORMAL. How in the hell did she have time to clean and cook and raise her kids? You KNOW this. She was pleasing psycho dad? Also not normal.

You know all of this and have taken a lot of measures to limit the contact.

What has happened to send you once again down this cheeseless tunnel?

I look at people who are all physical and "love" to run like they are insane. Who does that crap?

Me too. I *detest* 'running'. I'd rather mow them all down with my horse and be done with it. And it would keep them off the freakin' highways. (apologies to all runners, kinda )

I see people like TCD who kick butt and take names

The same TCD who posted about this *exact same issue* a few weeks ago in general? A woman who looks in the mirror and sees all these horrible body flaws without ever mentioning what the body flaws might be??? (because they don't exist) (same as you)

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=534518

IMHO.


"Be civil to all; sociable to many; familiar with few; friend to one; enemy to none."

~Ben~

Posts: 7338 | Registered: Jul 2002 | From: WI
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, July 9th (Wednesday)

I don't know what to say... is there any way you can think of exercise like brushing your teeth - something you do to take care of your body so it lasts longer and you don't get as sick?

I sit out in the parking lot of the bootcamp thing I go to and have to psyche myself up to go in. I know it will be an hour of hurt. I also know that it's good for me. Life is full of having to make choices that are good for us - using sunscreen, eating right, wearing our seatbelt.

Ask yourself why this is any different.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5491 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, July 9th (Wednesday)

It doesn't matter if everyone says you are beautiful. If you don't feel it, it doesn't count. All the ego kibbles in the world can't make you feel okay with yourself if you are not okay with yourself. My WS struggles with this and it is what led him into his EA's. I will try to get him to comment here later, because it is an issue he is dealing with also. I know his family (especially the matriarch, his gma) always told him (and still does) that he needs to lose weight, he has a gut, get rid of that belly, he is never good enough. Messed him up big time but he is doing better now.

It is really difficult, especially for us women, to learn to be okay with our flaws. Every freaking commercial has a 90 pound woman with size D's and bleached hair promoting some product or another.

The average size for females is 14 to 16. We never see them in media though. And when you have a family that is totally looks-obsessed, you get it deep inside you that you are only worthy if you look perfect (and even the perfect models aren't perfect without their makeup and airbrushing.) Some of them have awful skin and cellulite.

I used to feel I had to be perfect....and I came close, once upon a time. I worked out, no fat on me, no cellulite, firm all over...I had tons of people tell me I should go into modeling. I did feel good about myself physically. But there were insecurities in there still and looking back, I realize "I" was the one making it all about looks, which made me look for my self esteem in the shallow, superficial world. That isn't a fun place to be though. Because if you are valued for your looks, at some point they are going to fade. And you attract narcissists, sociopaths, all kinds of users.......

Now, I am 35 pounds overweight. I am starting to show some aging. I have a wrinkly baby belly. I even have fat knees. But I am no longer insecure. I love me. I am so awesome! It took me a while, but I learned it isn't about physical beauty (even though it seems that is what the world tells us).

The guy I have attracted now, and that I am sticking with, loves me for who I am. He tells me that constantly. He loves my heart, my intelligence, my strength (very much my strength), the fact that I talk things over with him, the fact that I care about him, and he thinks I am the sexiest thing on 2 legs....even with a jiggly belly and butt.....

And I have slowly learned to accept myself, flaws and all. I will always have flaws. If I were perfect, I would be insufferable so it is a good thing I have flaws.

Your post is all about looks. Why are you making it all about looks? Beautiful women are a dime a dozen. What differentiates you from the others? The people in your life that really count love you for who you are, your soul. The people that worry about how you look are superficial and boring. Why do you think so many models/actresses/rock stars end up drugged out and overdosing? Because they realize they are just a product to others...to be used and marketed. The majority of people don't love them for who they are, they love them for the image they represent. It is empty.

Each one of us is unique and have our own gifts to give this world. What are your gifts? Why do your friends value you? Are you caring, loving, kind, honest, smart, interesting, talented, giving, etc....... Those are the things that count, and those are the things that make people stick around. Looks might draw some in, but there has to be something underneath in order for people to stay (if you are seeking a relationship with connections).

Figure out what your gifts are, then use them. You will find you are valued for something much more important than what you weigh or whether you have cellulite. I know people on here value you for your straight talk, your interest in self-growth, and your honesty in posting. Those are wonderful gifts. These people don't know what you look like, and they don't care. They value you for you.

ETA: Oh, I do exercise. I do it because it makes me feel better....and happier. It is a great mood-builder. And I used to be one of those joggers. The "runner's high" is a real phenomenon. It makes me feel good.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 8:03 AM, July 9th (Wednesday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15395 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
stroppy_wanadoo
Member
Member # 11224
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, July 9th (Wednesday)

You've been heard and understood. I am right there with you. No words of advice, but much commiseration.

It really sucks, doesn't it?


Posts: 1052 | Registered: Jul 2006
life4us
New Member
Member # 44001
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, July 9th (Wednesday)

I am a PE teacher and I don't like to exercise - at least not "real exercise" like workout videos, going to the gym and all these programs they try to sell. I do like adding it in to my everyday life. I park far away from the door at stores. I always take the stairs. I play music while I clean and dance. Little things become big things and they all count.

I have started running in the past couple years - I hated running, but now it is such a stress reducer, almost like a drug. I don't run regularly but I do when I need to.

I struggle with self image - huge! Its an internal battle and unless that mindset changes, we are stuck there. I know that I have to do things that make me feel confident and I am still looking for these things.

I wish you luck and know that most people feel the same way, they just hide it really well.


Posts: 7 | Registered: Jul 2014
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, July 9th (Wednesday)

Thanks Gang. Lots to cover. Hope I don't miss anything. I bought the book for Kindle last night TG. Started reading instantly. It's been on my "to read" list for a while. Figured it needed to be bumped to the top. This is a priority and I'm tired of feeling like this. Woke my sister up. We took the quiz in the front together. She asked, "What's this book called? And where did you find it?! It fits.

Dang it. It all fits. Mother is not as bad as those in the book. Her jabs are more subtle. They're masked. But it doesn't matter because my sister and I walk away with the same icky feelings described. Is she narcissistic? I don't know. It could be Dad. She is his victim. His behaviors or whatever rub off on her. But again, doesn't matter. I feel what I feel for a reason. It cannot be explained away as my imagination or "rewriting history" or "making stuff up". It's there. It's real. It hurts. And everyone that is close to me can both see and feel it.

What did I feel when Mother was working out? Annoyance. She was ALWAYS working out. I felt a sense of panic, urgency, and obsessiveness. It hung in the air in our home. I couldn't understand what the big deal was. She was already so skinny. She had no weight to lose. Even as a child, I could see it. When I brought it up a couple years ago, ooooh boy. Did she downplay. I was insistent that she had issues and she could not convince me otherwise. She got mad.

She worked out like a fiend and still managed to keep the house spotless and have dinner on the table every night. We entertained regularly. She was an early riser and she ran all day. She was a perfectionist. The only thing she had control over was her house. She was on top of it. Needless to say, I resent cleaning and prefer to spend my time making messes, not cleaning them up. I am "sloppy". I "let things go". Excuse me, but kids live in my house. Back off Cleaning Nazi. (Whole nother story.)

What sent me down this tunnel? I have no clue what triggered it. I didn't realize it was creeping up on me till a couple days ago. I felt "off". Figured it was hormones. But then I was sitting in a public setting and realized I was shaking and freaking out over what I was wearing and how I was sitting. And the thought hit me, "I have a serious problem. And I legit don't know how to fix it. What I've been doing isn't working. It's not deep enough. It's not improving. It keeps coming back."

I don't want kibbles. I don't want praise. I don't want high fives. I don't think I've ever really wanted it. Sure. I sought it out. I ignorantly thought it would change me for the better. Tried it. Didn't work. Blew up a marriage. Trying to repair it. What I really sought was an internal peace. And I've come a loooong way. I know what *doesn't* work. 80% of the time I feel ok. But the 20% is vicious and unrelenting.

QS is going to buy me runners this weekend. I don't know how I will use them. But I know I need to wear the tread out by the end of the year. Somehow. Some way. I think that is the faking it till I make it. Helps the external, sure. And I will hate every second of it. But maybe with the help of the book, delving deeper into it, my internal will shift and will waltz hand in hand with the external. I dunno.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6426 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, July 9th (Wednesday)

And I will hate every second of it

Aubrie - hugs!!!

i wonder if you thought of it as helping your internal exclusively if you could get more on board with exercise. Who cares if you lose weight, look better, etc. What about feeling better? Doing something to take care of yourself, ya know? I guess I'm just repeating what I already said... sorry.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5491 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
MissesJai
Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, July 9th (Wednesday)

are there any kinds of physical activity that you don't despise?


FWW - 41
"Don't think first about the risks of speaking up. Think first about the risks of not speaking up." ~ Kerry Patterson

Posts: 6023 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
Mercilesslynuked
Member
Member # 42997
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, July 9th (Wednesday)

Plenty of people I know picked up beginner soccer as a form of "exercise" - football players, empty nesters, video gamers, couples, and literally everything in between. It somehow doesn't feel the same as exercise when it has a different purpose... Relaxing fun!


Never apologize for having high standards. People who really want to be in your life will rise up to meet them.

D-day 1/6/2014-1/23/2014


Posts: 174 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Colorado
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, July 9th (Wednesday)

Hi Aubrie,

Just wanted to say, I can totally relate to the pressure you write about and being an insecuraholic. I get that same feeling of - physical activities are about exercise to lose weight, to look a certain way, to be healthy (read: ideal). Being scared if people are looking, or what they're looking at. Similar stuff involving growing up with a parent who made you feel self-conscious, except in my case, it was Dad who said things about my body.

The stuff with Dad's been on my mind lately, interestingly, so your post is timely. One time that's been haunting me is, he saw a picture of me rock-digging one day (it was a group project to lay a waterline to our greenhouse), using a pick-axe, and my arms looked niiiice. His coworker expressed envy over my arms. He told her: "Don't worry, I'm sure my daughter doesn't work out as much as you, her arms might look strong but she doesn't do certain exercises…" I'm not remembering his exact words, but it was very similar, pretty much assuring the coworker that while I *looked* strong, she was probably much stronger than me. There were lots of other things too - no matter what I did physically, my father would say "that's a nice start" and thought I needed to go to the gym in order to "really" be strong. With back, neck, and knee issues, the gym is extremely unappealing to me, but in our society, a woman who refuses the gym is "letting herself go"...

Gained 20 pounds recently. The people I've told say it's a good thing, they say they can't even tell the difference, that I look good now instead of too thin. But the weight gain hasn't stopped. Three more pounds since last week, skin spilling out of my pants… and Mr. Silver who used to rave about other girls? Am I really supposed to believe I look "better"?, I ask myself. Then watching WWE twice a week and seeing the Divas, and all the commercials and TV shows and movies with all the hot actresses… Blah.

So here's what I'm pledging to do… If this helps you too…

1. Not watching commercials anymore. The minute a commercial comes on, doing something else. There are too many images that just plain suck for our self-confidence.

2. Watching less TV and movies in general. I remember a time when I didn't watch a ton of TV, and my self-esteem was generally better. My son is watching things like "Magic School Bus" and "Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood", so that actually has been helping a lot in terms of fewer detrimental-to-self-esteem TV shows.

3. Eliminating certain words from my vocabulary: beautiful (unless I'm talking about botany), ugly, skinny, fat, damn even writing these are triggery… Replacing those words with other adjectives and repeating them in my head instead: thoughtful, funny, cheerful, happy, sad, upright (posture), tough as nails, tense, stern, smart, etc. Those adjectives can be used to describe my world and the people in it, including my close family members. Dwelling less on describing others and therefore myself by looks and instead by personality traits or moods.

4. Finding a "physical activity" that's just for fun - like you mentioned, Aubrie, going out for walks just because it feels nice. Never mind the so-called exercise-measuring that goes into each activity - just doing it because it feels nice to get fresh air or because there's an adventure I want to go on. Or gardening, or chasing my toddler. Something that just feels nice. No stress.

5. No more looking in the damn mirror. Or at least severely limiting the number of times I look. Used to be I looked before each shower. Now I try to only look when I'm brushing my teeth, if that.

6. Thought-stopping or changing. The minute the insecurities come up, I change the subject. I don't think about my H - thinking about him tends to increase the insecurities even if he is being supportive. Instead, something like what my son is doing right at the moment (and then going to play with him), or maybe something that's going on with my garden, or maybe global warming or some other environmental issue… Something that's far away from the insecurities. It helps!

7. Addressing all the FOO pains and all the things that happened with others that hurt my self-image. You said that you had boyfriends who cheated on you, and with people your exact opposite body type? Addressing that pain and the effects it had on you.

I haven't gotten there yet in terms of banishing the insecurities, but I've been noticing there are changes. It takes a long time, like with any habit we build. But I think we can do it. I think we can at least severely lower the pain we feel from the insecurities and all the bad messages we're meant to receive. We can tune into the more positive messages.

From one insecuraholic to another…

[This message edited by silverhopes at 3:24 PM, July 9th (Wednesday)]


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3920 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, July 9th (Wednesday)

The kids and I can explore a zoo or a park for hours. I can walk city blocks. In the spirit of exploration. It has to be disguised as "fun". Because "working out" or "exercise" not only means I'm fat but, drum roll, reeks of control.

People who work out and exercise and get physical have goals and they have to control themselves. I. Hate. Control. Because there was so much control in my past, I have an "Eff you, I will do what I want, when I want, because you will not control me." Sure. Body issues. But I don't diet or work out. Because it means control. And I rebel at the idea of having something or someone tell me that I can or cannot do something.

Hi. I'm Aubrie. The messiest, more unorganized perfectionist on Earth. I excel at certain things because *I KNOW* I am good at it and will succeed. I don't try different things because I might fail. And failure is bad. Even if I've never done something before, failure is still bad. So I don't do it. I know my limitations. I do not push myself so I don't fail.

For now. I'm faking it for the kids. I am building a list. Since my trip to Chicago, my kids are obsessed with baseball. Ok fine. Let's go play. A close friend and I are going to start exploring parks and waterfalls within a 2 hour radius of home. (She doesn't know it yet, but she'll totally be game.) Water balloon fights. Dancing contests in the rain. Etc. Etc.

I'm also going to be nurturing the things I am good at. They aren't physical. But its stuff I do for me. As I do and share that stuff, as I do the exercises in the book, fingers crossed that all these elements line up and I find that ever elusive thing called peace.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6426 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, July 9th (Wednesday)

Cross posted with ya Silver.

I like your list. TV is already eliminated. We don't watch it. Movies are 97% kid centered or educational. There are no beauty guru or girly magazines in our home. I don't need to see the month workout routines or "100 things to please your man" laying around.

The idea of eliminating certain words is appealing. Might get the whole family involved on that.

Mirrors. *shudder* Enough to make my hair presentable and that is it.

Like I said previously, I know QS accepts me. I accept that he accepts me. I just to have to do it for myself now. I don't want my hangups to come between us. Kwim? And I don't feel pressure to rush this or hurry the process. He's stuck with my crazy this long. I don't doubt he won't continue to do so.

Thanks for the help y'all.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6426 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
ophelia24
Member
Member # 38438
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, July 9th (Wednesday)

Really enjoyed your posts NaïveAgain and Silverhopes. As I mentioned earlier, a book called Appetites by Caroline Knapp addresses what you are writing about and feeling. Sounds like TG's suggestion was right on topic too.

Aubrie, that rebellious streak in you is awesome. I bet it has saved your life and sanity a few times.

Its nice to read women discuss bodies/self image/aging as it means we are not alone. It is crazymaking that the tightness of our jeans supercedes our accomplishments and drains our energy that can be used for other areas of our lives, but it is pervasive. And very Western centric as well.

Taking care of ourselves, and being kind to ourselves is so important. So hard to get to though.

I'm off on my walk.



“Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.”
― James Baldwin

Posts: 283 | Registered: Feb 2013
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, July 9th (Wednesday)

People who work out and exercise and get physical have goals and they have to control themselves

Challenging this... I guess if keeping my ticker in shape is a goal I'm guilty of it.
It can be fun too! I took up competitive swimming. I entered a race, beat my seeded time and looked around to congratulate people and get congrats. Everybody else has already finished and was out of the pool. I laughed so hard at how I worked and still got last. At my first marathon I came in last in my age group. Hubby and I had a good laugh considering the training miles I put in.
I don't get the fear of failure thing, obviously.
I guess I'm not helping. Carry on peeps...


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5491 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, July 9th (Wednesday)

I guess if keeping my ticker in shape is a goal I'm guilty of it.
As I said earlier, I fully understand the benefits and health implications. If it was a simple as "mind over matter" this wouldn't be an issue for me. But it's not that simple. My mother's voice rings in my ears. Hurtful memories. My ex. My friends. The hatred of control. The perfectionism. The sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. The panic. The fear. Especially the fear of failure. It's not as easy as brushing it aside. It's a tangled up ball of crazy. And I'm just now starting to untangle it.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6426 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
familyfirst
Member
Member # 42651
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, July 9th (Wednesday)

Have you tried yoga? At the end of every class they do a relaxation portion where you close your eyes and the instructor says the most beautiful things. The first class I went to the relaxation went something like "relax your toes, your feet, your legs. Thank them for all the work they do for you, for supporting your body, for holding you up while you carry your children, for bringing you here today"

I had tears running down my face and was in love with my feet and legs by the time I left.


Posts: 235 | Registered: Mar 2014
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, July 9th (Wednesday)

My mother's voice rings in my ears. Hurtful memories. My ex. My friends. The hatred of control. The perfectionism. The sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. The panic. The fear.
PTSD. You are fighting PTSD. Have you tried EMDR?

I know it is going to take more than mind over matter. Cognitive behavioral therapy can also help. You have to replace the negative soundtrack that plays in your head with more positive ones. Keep telling yourself the truth. And give yourself time to work through the process....

The truth:

Exercise is for fun and health. Exercise CAN be fun. Taking care of my body and loving myself is a good thing. It is what I am supposed to do. My duty in this world is to take care of and nurture myself.

It has been so long since I exercised, that to get going again, I had to fool myself into it. I took 20 to 30 minutes a day and walked on the treadmill, and I read a good book while walking, or I played on my Ipod. The time went fast that way, and I started a habit. Now, after doing that for about a month, for the first time, I am starting to enjoy the walking just because of how it makes my body feel. I don't always use the props anymore. And I worked up a sweat today. I feel better. I have more energy. I may be losing weight, but who cares? I feel good and that is MY time...my time for me.

Especially the fear of failure.
I used to be scared of failure. That meant I wasn't good enough, right? Now, I realize that the only failure is not trying. I've learned it is okay to fail. It took me a long time to learn that and change my perception. Now, I take risks. Sometimes, I fail. It is okay. More important than succeeding is my ability to pick myself up and try again. Perseverance. That is a good trait. And failure is just one more step along the way to success. No one that does anything worthwhile succeeds on their first attempt. How would we learn anything? Life is about learning. I feel that is our purpose here. Learning is important to me. I can't learn what I already know, so I have to try new things that I will maybe fail at. But that is okay. Failure doesn't make me a bad person. It just means I tried something and didn't do so well. Maybe next time, or maybe I will never learn to play the violin or do the butterfly stroke. Doesn't matter, because that still doesn't make me a bad person and it doesn't mean I am defective. There are other things I can do well. But I will never learn to do anything new if I don't at least try.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 6:30 PM, July 9th (Wednesday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15395 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
She-Ra
Member
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, July 10th (Thursday)

Hey Aubrie

This is a great post.. Lots of good thoughts and opinions on here too.

I will admit that it makes me sad to read how you view working out and exercise. Especially since I've been the most dedicated at exercising than I ever. It started out for me to lose baby weight and to fit into my clothes again. That's all. Just wear my clothes. It turned into a huge passion to lift weights and become a better runner. Then I realized it's the only "me" time I get all day.

That's a huge one for me. I think so many moms out there lack "me" time. That is why many of us WW got into our mess in the first place. Being selfish and wanting something for ourselves. I'm not a crafty type.. I don't like reading books.. Exercise is how I get my "escape" now and getting those feel good endorphins pumping. It's healthy and I feel great.

I hear ya on the "control". I think of it more as discipline though. Keeps me focused and on track for the week. I realize it's not for everyone but it sure has a lot of happy feelings for me that goes with exercising.

This is what I will want to show my daughter. To exercise because it's fun and makes you feel good. Builds strong muscles too. I will be careful about the bad words... Fat will not be in our vocab.

My mom damaged me a lot by telling me that I was going to fat like her when I was a kid. Like that was my destiny whether I liked it or not. I've been told my mom is jealous of me because I haven't turned out like her and have my own path that appears easier than hers. She has no idea and I'm not about to explain anything to her because she's crazy.

I hope you can find a form of exercise that's pleasure. Maybe doing Couch to 5k would be fun? Putting in some headphones and getting out of the house for some "Aubrie" time. I don't know what would tickle your fancy but running could be the ticket. It's adventurous and isn't driven by weight loss. It just feels good and becomes a fun hobby.


WW/BW 33 BH/WH 34
Both in IC/MC. Finally in R.
1 year old beautiful daughter

Posts: 884 | Registered: Jul 2012
itainteasy
Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, July 10th (Thursday)

Oh boy...

So yeah...triggering and crying a river over here.

I have a mother who complains that she can't "gain weight". She's "up to" 120 lbs now and just look at this "flabby stomach!" She's never been able to "pinch an inch", har har har.

And here I am......Nothing BUT inches to pinch.
It's very hurtful when she makes those comments in front of me.

She has the metabolism of a 10 yr old boy. I have the metabolism of a 90 yr old woman.

I will say this: When I was growing up, she never mentioned that I was gaining weight. She never said I should diet or exercise. She never made me feel badly. I was 165 lbs my sophmore-senior year in high school, AND I was a cheerleader. I was chubby, and I wanted to be smaller but I didn't work at it. (I started on the Pill at 16---that's when I started really gaining. Lady problems, not sex stuff)

I also had those "my daddy doesn't love me" issues...and I chose to bury myself in food and weight so no one would notice me---if I wasn't "attractive" then I couldn't get my heart broken, ya know?

Well..like I said, my MOTHER never made me feel badly about my body. But my FATHER...oh he couldn't say enough. I heard him tell my mother on the phone (I picked up the other line--they didn't know I was on)--anyway, he said "Maybe we should encourage her to pick up a cocaine habit so she'll lose weight." He went on to say that he was embarassed to bring me anywhere, because he didn't want people to know he had a "fat daughter".

Those are the things that stick with you, no matter what.

I wish I'd handled that differently. I wish I would have gone hard into exercising, and being healthy. But I didn't. It was more like this: "you want to see FAT? I'll show you fat." and boy did I.

I'm 38. I had lap band surgery last year. I'm still struggling. At my heaviest I was 263 lbs. I'm less now, but no where near my goal. It's a daily struggle to over come the bad habits...eating when I'm bored, eating when I'm sad, eating just because there's food out.

But, I AM doing it. Slowly, but surely.

I don't even know what the point of my post was going to be.

I guess....I hear you Aubrie. I hear you, I relate, I empathize, and I hate this so much.

The people that were supposed to be building us up did nothing but tear us down.

Silencing the voice in my head that says "go ahead and eat that, you'll always be fat anyway" is the hardest thing I have to do. I fear that even if I do reach my goal, I'll still hear the voice, and I'll still see the fat girl in the mirror.

And then what? How do you fix that? How do you SEE what's really there?

I'll be back in IC, I imagine.

((((((Aubrie))))))))

I KNOW that we're both wonderful and amazing and fantastic and fabulous the way we are (and so is everyone else here!), but it's the FEELING it...that's the problem. I can KNOW I'm awesome. But I don't feel awesome.

*sigh*


Posts: 3423 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
DixieD
Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, July 10th (Thursday)

You're mom sounds like my mom. My mom didn't work out like a fiend, but she went on every fad diet there was. Grapefruit. Cabbage Soup. You name it. Some quick fix was going to come along and save her and in turn save me too, because I'm built just like her and it wasn't 'right'. I remember going off to Weight Watchers with her when I was a teen.

She kept herself so busy she couldn't think. That was the whole point, as long as she stayed really busy, she didn't have to think about feelings, especially unhappy/negative feelings. And she taught me that as well. She was a perfectionist and she raised me to be one too. Avoid failure at all costs. But for some reason that didn't apply to fad diets, which always did fail.

People who work out and exercise and get physical have goals and they have to control themselves. I. Hate. Control. Because there was so much control in my past, I have an "Eff you, I will do what I want, when I want, because you will not control me." Sure. Body issues. But I don't diet or work out. Because it means control. And I rebel at the idea of having something or someone tell me that I can or cannot do something.

Wow, that's me too. Although I had very few rules growing up to rebel against, I've still had a problem with authority and discipline and control my whole life. I had (still have) a strong stubborn FU attitude. I was a teachers worse nightmare. No one is going to tell me what to do unless I saw the value in it, and even then my mind would keep me stuck and obstinate.

I'd rather have a root canal than take up running. Actually my body simply wouldn't allow me to run even if I wanted to. I've come to understand my limitations and sometimes I work within them and sometimes I stubbornly do not. I'd love to get over these struggles and I need a whole attitude adjustment from the ground up to rewire all the toxic learned behaviors. I also lack discipline, because it seems like a mutated form of control. I've been eating more and more junk lately again and it shows. I commented about my weight creeping up again just this morning. I've fallen off the wagon and only I can do something about that.

However, I walked my butt off yesterday, even if the scale doesn't reflect that. The exercise of the walk wasn't the important part though. The important part was my husband and I spent 12 awesome hours together. We saw 5 deer, who were so unfazed by humans, they were within 8 feet of us and just kept munching on leaves. We tracked a wild turkey along the beach. Saw a bunch of birds we had to later try to learn about and identify. That's the sort of exercise I am eager to do. There is nothing to fail at, and only life experiences and memories to gain, even if the numbers on the scale don't budge.

I know there are some awesome waterfalls within too hours of your place. Get out there and see them! Have fun. Be an explorer. Send me some pictures!

We recently had many hours to kill, and listened to The Gifts of Imperfection: Let go of who you think you're suppose to be and embrace who you are by Brene Brown. It talks about perfectionism and how it's rooted in shame. It was good too. Another one for your list.


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
abbycadabby
Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

Isn't working out/being active physically something that only you control? So, that would be something that only you had control over, and no one else. It doesn't control you. Nothing has control over you that you don't allow to have control over you. If you're dieting and exercising, YOU'RE in control, KWIM? I know what I'm trying to say but it might be coming out all wrong.

DixieD is a wise lady. I second the suggestion of Brene Brown. She's pretty awesome.

FWIW, I think you're pretty perfect.

(((Aubrie)))


Posts: 1302 | Registered: Feb 2010
caspers1wish
Member
Member # 28720
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

I think if you force yourself to wear the tread out on your runners and will hate it, you know that is self defeating right there. You said it, it's about control. You're feeling out of control, or in control, or too much control, or not enough. What about just letting go of controlling the control? And if you can learn to do that you'll find that internal peace you're looking for, about just being ok with just you. We all have hang ups for whatever reason. The fact that you are even worried about where your hang ups are coming from and acknowledging you have them, you're already doing worlds better than 90% of the rest of us. It's ok to not have all the answers, to never get them even. You can't accept yourself until you accept the things you have no control over.

No one likes to fail. My middle daughter has a lot of anxiety issues and doesn't like to be involved in things or try new things for fear of failing. I tell her to just try it, that she has to try it, just once. And that it's ok if she fails at it, loses, does badly. No matter what, it's ok. Failing is how we learn. Put another way, as waywards, we have failed majorly, so we know what failing truly feels and looks like. So right there is a huge example of where you failed, and you learned from it, grew, became better. Are you still a failure? No. But one time, you failed, and with hard work, you came out ok. Accepting our failures, helps accept ourselves.


Me - FWW (35)
Him - BH (34)
Kids - Ages 6, 8, 10
Married 13 years, together 18 years.
Last D-Day - November 2008

Posts: 802 | Registered: Jun 2010
TheIrishGirl
Member
Member # 43496
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

Would you start boxing? I'm planning to- right now I'm reading about it because I'm not much for joining gyms or taking classes. I like the book so far- the first two chapters are more about the psychological side of it, because boxing is as much of a mental exercise as it is physical.

Plus, there's the whole getting your aggression and anger out aspect. I have the gloves and a heavy bag in the basement, but all you really need is a chair to use as an 'opponent' and your body. Wear the runners QS got you if you want too.

You can do it in private, you only compete against yourself, you can go as hard (or not) as you want to. I like the self dicipline & self control aspects of it too.

Just another option since I hate running too. And it could be empowering, which maybe kills two birds with one stone.


Me: 31, BW Him: 38, WH
2 children (ours) 7/11 & 3/14
D-day 4/18/14 I saw his 'other' email

Posts: 709 | Registered: May 2014
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

Ok. You people get me. So much to address. I cant even begin. NA, I want to fight that PTSD idea. I dont know how I feel about it. Itainteasy, I swear we are sisters. Its seriously bizarre our similar struggles. Dixie, I have a plan and a friend on board. We'll take tons of pics. Abby, I hear what you are saying. Logically it makes sense. But then I rebel. Control is bad. Period. Even if I am the one doing the controlling.

My head is killing me. And I'm forcing myself to slow this down. This takes time and I'm starting to feel pressure to getitdone, getitdone! (Pressure from myself, not anyone here.)

Sidenote - Fighting wars with FOO. They can't hurt me directly so they are picking on QS. And last night they got to DS. I sent a text stating it was unacceptable and that I am the parent. I shook and nearly vomited for hours. If you're the praying type, my hair is falling out in handfuls from the stress. While I'm sure I could rawk the bald look, I don't really wanna have to. Ok, back on track.

Grand announcement of sorts. I'm terrified. I'm signing up for a 5k. Had thought about it a while back. It was always a bucket list thing. Just to say I could do it. FOO found out and laughed me to scorn. Gee. Thanks for the vote of confidence. And my brother already ran several so it's obviously not a huge deal. Get over yourself Aubrie. Anyway, ditched the idea.

But this is something I have always wanted for me. I wanted to feel that feeling of crossing a finish line. I wanted to feel the pride and sense of accomplishment. Yes, there is a part of me doing this for spite. Screw them and the stupid unicorns they ride in on. I have wanted to do this for forever. I'm not letting them take this from me. I have 3 months before I turn 3-0. I have to do it by then. That's my deadline. Nothing like the last minute eh?

How much am I loved? When I told my girlfriend, she said she wanted to run with me. And two other friends want to TRAVEL so they can run with me. So if I fail, hey at least I wont be alone right? (Joke. It's a joooke.) The only thing that matters is I cross the line. Not my time.

Still reading. Working. I have a feeling I'll keep coming back and updating this thread. Hang out if you want. Or not. Either way, this is where I track my healing.

[This message edited by Aubrie at 5:06 PM, July 10th (Thursday)]


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6426 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Actionsoverwords
Member
Member # 41949
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

Hi Aubrie,

You are not alone. I grew up with a mother that was an addict, but she found time to comment on how fat I was as a little boy and that no woman was ever going to want a fat boy. This was repeated and was the prevailing attitude in my FOO.

My mother was the opposite of you mother. She drank, smoked, gambled, kept a messy house. To this day, I am still told that I am fat. For her, it was the only thing that she could every say because she wasn't there as a mother and we don't have anything else to talk about. She's started on commenting on my son's hair and it is an immense trigger for me.

I am insecure as hell. I build myself up in my head telling myself that I look great, but every time I walk past a mirror I want to throw up. I can't stand looking at my reflection. Every time I take offense to something some one does, I immediately attribute it to my looks, physical attributes, or whatever is on the outside. I've spent years chasing attention from woman to build myself up. Then I wanted to get notches under my belt to prove to myself how "desirable" I was and relationships and monogamy be damned. Even after I got married, I blamed my BW for not feeding my kibble.

All I can say is that the issue is something you and I have to work on for ourselves. It's simple, but not easy.


Me: WH, 30's
Her : BW, 30's, (determinata)
Children: An amazing son.
I am a sex addict, working on myself, and facing the wreckage of my actions.



Posts: 288 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
lostinthesouth
Member
Member # 41377
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

I totally relate to the hating to exercise. Through all of this mess I have learned to like exercise and get pissed when I miss my gym time. I started going to different classes because I needed to have someone to tell me what to do because I didn't have the motivation to do it on my own.

I took the attitude that it was my hour of down time to give my brain a rest to focus on something else. The benefit being is now I am healthier and feel a lot better and a bonus that I lost weight but I did not focus on the weight loss part of it.

I use that hour to focus on surviving that class and know how much better I feel afterwards-mentally and physically.

It was all about making it my time to decompress and not so much as exercise to get thin.

Another thing--with the kiddos--we did a family 5k color run (we walked..lol) but the kids still talk about how much fun they had.

Just need to change how you approach the whole exercise mentality and just think of it as being healthy and wanting to be there for your kids to watch them grow up and get married and have children.
When you do it for you---it will make you feel better.

Since you're wanting to do a 5k--do a 5k walk as a family thing first and let them motivate and encourage you to run the next one. You can do it!


Posts: 113 | Registered: Nov 2013
Scorpio2310
Member
Member # 41561
Default  Posted: 12:56 AM, July 11th (Friday)

Aubrie, I completely understand what you are going through. I'm 5'7" and over 200 lbs. Nothing is good enough for my grandmother... Even when I was a lean 180 lbs(and I looked great!) she told me I was fat and needed to be somewhere between 140 and 160 lbs. It devastated me and I took it to heart. My whole FOO is all about superficial looks. I even started to freak out when my hair started to thin out in my early 20s.

With the help of my BSO I've pretty much worked past that. She likes me the way I am, chubbiness and balding head. I've started to grow my hair out now because it is something I've always wanted to do and she loves it! My FOO hates it and is constantly telling me that I need to cut my hair short. I just blow them off.

It doesn't matter what they think. I have realized that now. The only opinions that matter to me now are mine and my BSOs. It took me the better part of 18 months to set it straight in my head. But every day I had to remind myself that my looks don't need to be based on my FOO but on me.

I still have trouble looking in a mirror without some criticism, but then again who doesn't? Same with my hair... But I know that something's can't be helped.


Posts: 61 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
itainteasy
Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 6:41 AM, July 11th (Friday)

Aubrie, I'd be honored if you were my sister.

Lucky me, I have 3 brothers. Hooray.

I share the same parents with one of them...the other two we share the same father.

But all 3 of my brothers are "better" than me in one way or the other.

It's no surprise that I have limited contact with my FOO!


Posts: 3423 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, July 11th (Friday)

Yay! I have another sister. Everyone, meet itainteasy. She's family.

With the help of my BSO I've pretty much worked past that. She likes me the way I am,
I have accepted that QS loves me. I don't understand it. Don't suppose I have to. Point is, he does. It is quite difficult in my low moments to let go of myself and fully enjoy him. He gave me a card Monday night. It was so sweet. It was perfect. But I realized, I didn't believe it. The words felt hollow. Scared me to death! I keep a specific stack of notes, cards, and letters from him within arm's reach that I can read when I get to feeling icky. But bottom line, there will always be an edge of doubt. And I do NOT want to let that come between us. I don't want to doubt or hold back.

I need this for me. Badly. If I can get me aligned, I know the rest will fall into place. Doing better with him, really. But I still do some faking. Pushing nausea and fear down. Because he loves me. And that grin on his face is incredible. I want that "I *know*, that I *know*, that I *know* he loves me" feeling. To have it settle in my soul. Till then, I'm still only faking it. Ya know? So....the work continues.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6426 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Scorpio2310
Member
Member # 41561
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, July 11th (Friday)

Aubrie,
I think understand what you're saying now!

He gave me a card Monday night. It was so sweet. It was perfect. But I realized, I didn't believe it. The words felt hollow. ... But bottom line, there will always be an edge of doubt.

That's how I felt during my As. I heard what my BSO was saying, I didn't believe it though. There was always doubt. And there still is time to time when we have our miscommunications. The thing that has changed is: the way I look at myself and the way I feel about myself.

From the sounds of it your FOO denied you the same thing mine did: the ability to develop self-love. For me it took acknowledging my accomplishments... and accepting my failures. It took me realizing that no matter what, at the end of the day I had to answer to one person: me. If I was unsatisfied with the past day I can try to make the next better, can't fix the past; but you can make peace with it.

In the end that's all anyone can really do.


Posts: 61 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, July 14th (Monday)

Read half of another half chapter in the book. *sigh* I hate it. But need to work thru it.

I bought some awesome running shoes. And this morning I completed day 1 of the C25K. Could only do half of the run segments. I am reeeeally out of shape. :/ As I hit the last curve in the road, I felt a wave of anger and irritation. A sense of "I failed". Habit would have been to spiral. Because I should be perfect.

But a quiet voice somewhere in the recesses in my soul piped up and said, "But today is only the first day...You just finished day 1." And I felt myself smile.

Five minutes later my husband texted me. "I believe you can do it." Me too Babe. Me too.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6426 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, July 14th (Monday)

WTG!

I didn't hate the book, I think that it scared me more than anything.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5155 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
Owl6118
Member
Member # 42806
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, July 14th (Monday)

A thought, Aubrie.

I am delighted you signed up for the run.

But, something to think about. It is possible to work your body wonderfully hard doing work, rather than "exercise" per se. There are a lot of volunteer groups that offer the chance to do surprisingly vigorous labor while making a positive difference in the world. Food pantries need people to stack cans and pack boxes. Park systems and park services need and love people who will come pick up downed limbs, or garden, or pull weeds, or pull up invasive plants, or a thousand other physical jobs.

If straight exercise does not appeal, consider volunteer work that involves the whole body.


Posts: 90 | Registered: Mar 2014
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, July 14th (Monday)

Yes TG. Its scary. Hence the reason I hate it. Has to be done. I know. Hate it. Dread it. Scared of it. All that.

Owl, very cool suggestion. I''ll have to check into that. Thank you!


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6426 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Aubrie
Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)

Mini update:

Training is going...ok. Having some difficulty with my knees. However I'm on it and taking care of them. I won't let it stop me. Allergies have flared terribly and I canNOT breathe when I run. I may be half suffocated and hobbling, but I'm still pushing. Gaining speed and distance, and more importantly, stamina. I feel better. And stronger.

QS ran with me this weekend. It was really fun. He is actually thinking of starting early morning runs for himself. If nothing else, he'll run with me on Sundays. Either way, it's good for him.

I've set the book aside for a while. Just didn't have it in me to take a physical and emotional beating all at once the past few days.

I feel a little guilty that I haven't been here to hold hands with, and lift up those that are hurting and struggling. Yet it feels good to step back and take care and focus on myself (in healthy ways) for once.

Peace y'all.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6426 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Topic Posts: 43