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User Topic: Sexless marriage = affair? Need advice please
Imissmyhusb
Member
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, July 10th (Thursday)

Hey SI

I read this article today, tryg to make sense out of my situation. This part stuck out:

My view point on sexless marriages is that this is just as serious as having a full blown affair in terms of its insult to the partner wanting sex but not getting it....
Marriage is at its heart a sexual relationship.... The basic agreement of being married is to meet each others sexual needs and not to run about getting them met anywhere else. Both affairs and no sex marriages break that agreement.

What do u think?
WH is really actg like a BS based on what i have read here on SI and i guess this is the reason. He feels betrayed, and i feel guilty, which is why i havent put him out

Full article here
http://marriedmansexlife.com/2010/05/the-natural-consequences-of-a-sexless-marriage/


Married '03 - DD1 '01, DD2,3 '13, DD4 '14
3 kids 7y and 4y twins
me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 286 | Registered: Mar 2014
imagoodwitch
Member
Member # 23375
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, July 10th (Thursday)

My first instinct is to wave the bullshit flag.

How does your WS feel betrayed? By what?


I am just your ordinary average everyday sane psycho supergoddess - Liz Phair

Don't keep dancing with the Devil and wonder why you are still in Hell.

It's all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits.


Posts: 5484 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Munchkinland
Tred
Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, July 10th (Thursday)

I can't read the article from work, but here's my take on the excerpt you culled: bullshit. Sounds like the old "it's your fault that your spouse strayed because you didn't satisfy XYZ". There are plenty of men who remain faithful in the absence of sex. Hell, there are men who stand by their partners who have debilitating accidents or diseases. No one forces their spouse to have an affair. If the sex ain't what you are expecting, there are plenty of options without having an affair.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 4091 | Registered: Dec 2011
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, July 10th (Thursday)

A sexless marriage can be a dealbreaker, absolutely. What it isn't? Is a reason to cheat. As Tred said, there are ways to deal with that situation that don't include betrayal, lying, etc.

Things like talking to your spouse, seeking counseling, divorce...


You can call me NIK

"Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you."
-Walt Whitman


Posts: 26209 | Registered: Aug 2011
gutfeeling
Member
Member # 41652
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, July 10th (Thursday)

This will be controversial.

I agree to an extent.

Here's what I mean:

1. We acknowledged on here that withholding affection (touch, love, etc) is a form of emotional abuse. It is a tool in many WS arsenal to make the BS feel small, unloved, unworthy.

By this, I think we are acknowledging that in most traditional marriages your spouse is the only person you can receive romantic affection from.

That caress, that back rub, that kiss, that emotional/physical connection that I believe is human nature to crave/want/need.

2. As the spouse who has a higher sex drive, I absolutely feel the sting of rejection when H rejects sex. Especially when done repeatedly over the long term. I feel lonely, I have a physical emotional need that is not being met.

3. Obviously, no one should be forced to have sex and sexless marriage is NOT an excuse for cheating (although it may be a valid reason to leave the union).

4. But if the person withholding is just too tired, too busy, not in the mood over an extended period of time (months), I think that the partners have an obligation to discuss the issue and try to come up with a mutually acceptable solution.

ie Spouse 1. I am too tired to have sex. If you could take over the kids bath times every other night, I could use that time to regroup and would feel more in the mood when we go to bed together. Spouse 2. I can do that. Spouse 1 then puts good faith effort into being intimate.

5. Obviously physical issues (pregnancy, childbirth, depression) etc can affect desire. There is no excuse to cheat period ever and in these cases I think that the partners should talk but the spouse wanting more should try to be understanding of the issue - perhaps there are other ways to meet their needs.

6. But too often I've felt that my H just wouldn't make time for me in that way. Feeling that rejection over a long period of time, when there is no medical reason, does lead to feelings of resentment, loneliness, etc. It sets the stage for the feelings that can lead to an A. Of course the healthy spouse talks through these issues with their spouse and identifies them and does not have an A. The poor copers may make the poor decision to cope by having an A.

Edited for English!

[This message edited by gutfeeling at 11:40 AM, July 10th (Thursday)]


Posts: 155 | Registered: Dec 2013
Imissmyhusb
Member
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, July 10th (Thursday)

Bettayed because i wasnt initiating sex, and showing him he was wanted and desired... and maybe he could have gotten that from others if he wasnt married. And he gave up that option to b married to me, then didnt get what he expected. He hasnt explicitly told me he feels betrayed but he could be based on this article


Married '03 - DD1 '01, DD2,3 '13, DD4 '14
3 kids 7y and 4y twins
me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 286 | Registered: Mar 2014
Shockleader
Member
Member # 36827
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, July 10th (Thursday)

Bullshit, and I did not read the article. In a 'sexless' marriage?... Talk about it to each other, seek help, do whatever constructive as a couple to see if really the case, what might be done. If all fails, divorce, and move on. This way you keep your honor, and your word.

Cheating is the spineless cowards way of not addressing things, cake eating, an excuse, and Bullshit for this convoluted, equalitative logic that sexless (even if true)= lying and sneaking around is OK... Pure bullshit.


D-Day spring 2012
Me BS 47
Xcheater 44
One DD 19
Married 23 years
Divorced 12/23/13 Fu*king A!

The cruel, the unkind, those without honor, feast on the tender heart...


Posts: 652 | Registered: Sep 2012
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, July 10th (Thursday)

I vehemently oppose the comparison to an affair. I did read it and there are some interesting points on how one of the spouses can be hurt by a "sexless marriage" but there really is no comparison. First off, an affair effects the entire family unit (why I'm here on SI). The damage from having an affair lasts a lifetime and in some cases generations. The lingering effects from an A are debilitating to both spouses after the A is over. Can any of that be said for damage caused by a "sexless marriage"?

Speaking from experience, and I wouldn't say that our marriage was completely "sexless", but we worked together on getting what we both wanted out of a sexual relationship by turning towards each other and working with each other to get what we both wanted. If either of us had an A, we would still be trying to overcome the damage created by the A. Whereas we were able to overcome our inhibitions with each other in the matter of months.

There's just no comparison. They are two completely different things. Obviously the writer has never suffered an A.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2351 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
cvs2kkids
Member
Member # 41298
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, July 10th (Thursday)

I tend to lean more towards gutfeelings stance.

But as mentioned, counseling/separation/divorce is the "honorable" route.



Philippians 4:6-7

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your mind


Posts: 240 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: NB Canada
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, July 10th (Thursday)

Bettayed because i wasnt initiating sex, and showing him he was wanted and desired... and maybe he could have gotten that from others if he wasnt married. And he gave up that option to b married to me, then didnt get what he expected. He hasnt explicitly told me he feels betrayed but he could be based on this article

So if he feels "betrayed", as NIK said there are so many other things that he can do besides have an A. There is no justification for the A. None. Did he ever talk to you? I mean really talk to you?

If you asked, would your kids think that the A was on a comparison level of a "sexless marriage".

"Betrayed" in this instance from your WH is another reason "why" and a reason for him to justify. There's just no comparison here.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2351 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Imissmyhusb
Member
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, July 10th (Thursday)

ie Spouse 1. I am too tired to have sex. If you could take over the kids bath times every other night, I could use that time to regroup and would feel more in the mood when we go to bed together. Spouse 2. I can do that. Spouse 1 then puts good faith effort into being intimate.

5. Obviously physical issues (pregnancy, childbirth, depression) etc can affect desire. There is no excuse to cheat period ever and in these cases I think that the partners should talk but the spouse wanting more should try to be understanding of the issue - perhaps there are other ways to meet their needs.


I was spouse #1 and i askd him for help but didnt get it. I think he felt that since im a sahm it was up to me how to figure out a way to manage it all and make time for him
Esp when the twins came-forget it! He was basically off the radar for a while, and he still wasnt much help. He has workaholic traits, and my feelgs of abandonment and loneliness fueld the lack of sex.

Our sex was very sporadic and irregular, not completely nonexistent. I askd him if the problem was more that i refused his advances or that i didnt initiate. He said i didnt initiate


Married '03 - DD1 '01, DD2,3 '13, DD4 '14
3 kids 7y and 4y twins
me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 286 | Registered: Mar 2014
imagoodwitch
Member
Member # 23375
Default  Posted: 11:52 AM, July 10th (Thursday)

Blameshifting!


I am just your ordinary average everyday sane psycho supergoddess - Liz Phair

Don't keep dancing with the Devil and wonder why you are still in Hell.

It's all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits.


Posts: 5484 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Munchkinland
Imissmyhusb
Member
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

Did he ever talk to you? I mean really talk to you?

Yes we have had several talks over the years. In MC, the counselor askd him how i responded to his talks and he said thgs would chng for a while but i wasnt consistent. At least he can say i did change. He didnt move toward me IMO when i told him how much i needed him at home, quality time, etc. he made his work the reason why he couldnt meet my needs, addg that i wasnt workg and he has to put more hours in to be on his A game and not lose his way of providg for us

Then later he told me he stayed at work to numb the pain of not gettg the attention he needed at home. Just plain messy

He also told me that he has suffered psychological damage from our sexless marriage and that really breaks my heart.

[This message edited by Imissmyhusb at 12:08 PM, July 10th (Thursday)]


Married '03 - DD1 '01, DD2,3 '13, DD4 '14
3 kids 7y and 4y twins
me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 286 | Registered: Mar 2014
krsplat
Member
Member # 43242
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

I call bullshit! For one thing, a sexless marriage generally does not involve one partner lying to another, and certainly does not expose anyone in the marriage to fatal disease! And is this author suggesting that someone who cannot have sex with their spouse due to illness or other impairments is therefore intentionally choosing to wound the spouse? Again, bullshit.

As others point out, not having sex in a marriage may hurt the other partner, certainly. But the response should then be to TALK about the issue. A sexless marriage can become a sexual marriage if the issues that led to it are addressed. You cannot un-have an affair.


Me & WH: 48, married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Status: Living in limbo

Posts: 388 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
seethelight
Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

Regarding sexless relationship.

IMO, it takes two people to make it sexless.

There is a movie that runs on the Sundance channel called "the Freebie"

They show a couple who appear to be best friends and compatible in every way.

In it the husband is disinterested in sex because it has become stale after being married for awhile.

The wife tries buying sexy lingerie, but the husband is still not interested.

Yet, he seems to be placing all the blame on her for the sexless marriage.

IMO, this happens a lot in longterm sexless marriage.

Is it akin to cheating for a man who has erectile dysfunction to not have sex?

Of course not, and if a women cheated on a man with such a dysfunction she would be considered a lowlife.

But many women have painful sex, and this is not yet addressed as a health issue. It's seen as the women withholding sex.

It's a double standard in our society that needs to be addressed.


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1516 | Registered: May 2014
outtanowhere
Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

That whole thing about you "not working" pisses me off. Who else would do what you have to do to care for children, keep house AND keep her man hApPy! What a load of crock!


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 780 | Registered: Apr 2013
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

Krsplat says it beautifully:

"As others point out, not having sex in a marriage may hurt the other partner, certainly. But the response should then be to TALK about the issue. A sexless marriage can become a sexual marriage if the issues that led to it are addressed. You cannot un-have an affair".

This is the simple truth. T-A-L-K about it - even if that conversation goes something like this:
"You know, I am so frustrated that I am thinking about having an affair."

There is NO EXCUSE for having an affair. I have tried and tried to rationalize it for my FWH's sake, but I can't. Our issues were somewhat different, but if he had said those words to me (above), I would have moved heaven and earth to make sure he didn't stray...


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 447 | Registered: May 2014
Shatteredreality
New Member
Member # 42481
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

My marriage was literally, actually, factually sexless for several years so I can speak from my own experience. The suggestions to talk about it, to "really" talk about it, are well intentioned and there are probably some cases where this will make a huge difference. In my experience talking about it (gently, compassionately, "I miss you and I miss having sex with you", not nagging or criticizing) not only did NOT solve the problem, but bringing it up upset my severely conflict-avoidant husband so badly that it essentially guaranteed it wouldn't happen. This was not the only subject where discussing a problem provoked a passive-aggressive punishing response, but it was the most personal and absolutely devastating.

At the time we could not have even remotely afforded counseling. I brought home books and he read them to humor me but totally blew off the message. We had kids, houses, a life, all kinds of dependencies--not to mention a history of actually loving each other and, maddeningly, a really great sex life during our long courtship and early marriage. So the idea of divorcing because the sex was gone is a whole lot easier said than done. It was very, very confusing and very, very painful. I did go outside my marriage to get affection and sex, and I will not say that it was a good solution, but it was absolutely a response to try to relieve what was for a very, very long time an intractable problem and NOT from lack of trying.

Several years on, including a separation and a whole lot of individual and couples therapy, he and I both understand that time period and the dynamics a lot better. In essence, he had no skills for dealing with resentment and anger and his own feelings of guilt and shame about his perceived failings at work and at home. This manifested as blaming me and distancing from me and so he avoided sex entirely. If this sounds a lot like wayward psychology it is in a way, we both recognize that his total checking out and abandoning of many aspects of the marriage including sex was a severe betrayal. In fact things were so awful before my A that I tried to get him to engage by asking him to please consider our marriage vows and what he had promised me, and he categorically refused to discuss.

Things have changed a lot for us, thankfully, and we are close to being fully healed. But in fact sex is still a difficult issue for us--now because of *my* hang ups about it, deriving from the period of literally years when he wouldn't be sexual or affectionate to me at all--I mean not even little peck kisses or hugs or holding hands. It has been a huge, huge challenge to reconnect physically when even the minor displays of affection carry so much baggage of pain and rejection.

I know this is really long, but I just had to weigh in to say that the "just talk about it" response is in some cases laughably naive. Also finally to add that when you're a woman and your husband is the one to reject you so completely, it's a whole other layer of mind games.


WS

An interviewer once asked me if I could sum up everything I know about psychology in ten words or less. I said, "Hell, I can do it in two words: People cope." --Mira Kirshenbaum


Posts: 36 | Registered: Feb 2014
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

Yes we have had several talks over the years. In MC, the counselor askd him how i responded to his talks and he said thgs would chng for a while but i wasnt consistent. At least he can say i did change. He didnt move toward me IMO when i told him how much i needed him at home, quality time, etc. he made his work the reason why he couldnt meet my needs, addg that i wasnt workg and he has to put more hours in to be on his A game and not lose his way of providg for us

Then later he told me he stayed at work to numb the pain of not gettg the attention he needed at home. Just plain messy

He also told me that he has suffered psychological damage from our sexless marriage and that really breaks my heart.

Damn Imissmyhusb. The more you write (including the other threads) about your WH, the more I really want to shake some sense into him. He has really messed with your head and I couldn't possibly disagree with him more. I would have to point out to him how wrong he is and make him apologize to you. I'm absolutely pissed at this guy for this bullshit he has fed you. Psychological damage? Fuck him. This is more blame shifting, pathetic reasons, whatever you want to call it.

Staying at work to numb the pain? More bullshit!

Lets say he did feel those things and maybe he really did. Ok, so what should he have done about it? Yes, him!! He sounds like he is putting his "dark cloud" as your responsibility. I had that same dark cloud but never ever put that on my W. MrsYop and I went through all the typical life demands in our M. We had those same discussions that you and your H had to try and make things better for both of us and they would get better for a month or two and then slide right back to the way it was. This went on for roughly 3 years of having sex once a month or every 6 weeks or so until we stopped having sex altogether which lasted for 6 months. It took me realizing how unhappy I was, turning towards my W and apologizing for some of these same behaviors your WH is displaying, and discussing things with her. She reciprocated.

The difference between us turning towards each other vs. the previous discussions we had is we really listened to each other and made a concerted effort to really work on our issues or we knew the marriage probably wasn't going to last. Neither of us wanted that and we both wanted to be happier. We did many things to work together this past year and continue to do so. It wasn't just one conversation. The difference was it was communication that has now lasted for a year last month. We continue to work at it. This includes all aspects of the relationship. The parental/household duties we were already very good at and shared those equally since we are both professionals. <--- and I think this is where part of your WH's issue is. He doesn't see a SAHM as equal as a professional when you are in every sense a professional. I went to part time for a while and stayed home some days to take care of our kids so I can say that. He needs to see that...just for starters.

The responsibility is not to make him happy with more sex/initiating sex. Happiness and being more sexually fulfilled is something that actually starts with him. If he listened to you, really listened to you and found time in his busy work schedule, that helps 100x in the bedroom. It just does. I know it does. For a long time I thought MrsYop was ILYBINILWY and didn't like me sexually, although the quality of sex we had was very good WHEN we had it. I was going through my own rejection cycle (i.e. putting in lots of work hours to stay away, etc) and as it turns out, once I talked to her, and really listened, I found that she wanted sex and enjoyed it just as much as I did. She just had lots of issues getting there and if that means I take the kids once or twice a week off her hands at bed time so that gives her some relief (just using one of the many examples), then guess what started happening in the bedroom. Turns out she wants to have sex three times a week and "schedules" it and we are working together.

That's what your WH should realize about his own sexual fulfillment and happiness. He needs to put the same work in everywhere else with you, recognize that being a SAHM is the equivalent of being a professional and meet you in the middle.

There is no justifying his A with this other bullshit he's feeding you. He has problems and he's needlessly making them yours.

eta - typos

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 1:10 PM, July 10th (Thursday)]


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2351 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Imissmyhusb
Member
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

Also finally to add that when you're a woman and your husband is the one to reject you so completely, it's a whole other layer of mind games

Tell me about it!
How do u continue to try and initiate when u walk into a rm wearg lingerie tryg to get your husb attn and he says 'i have work to do'? What a friggn blow. For someone who claimed to b a freak and wants it all the time, he made me feel like crap bcuz he didnt want me


Married '03 - DD1 '01, DD2,3 '13, DD4 '14
3 kids 7y and 4y twins
me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 286 | Registered: Mar 2014
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

I raise the bullshit flag, too.

If he was dissatisfied, that's his problem. Did he talk with you about his dissatisfaction? How much effort did he put in to make life better?

If you're truly incompatible and unable to find a way that works for both of you, one of you can end your M. Then you're free to have sex with anyone who will have you....


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10582 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Imissmyhusb
Member
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

I think this is where part of your WH's issue is. He doesn't see a SAHM as equal as a professional

YOP u got it. MC said a similar thg

I always wanted to be a sahm bcuz i watched women around me stress out tryg to manage the logistics of jobs, daycare, etc. i told WH that i felt it would help me to b a better wife not havg to deal w all that. WH told me that he agreed bcuz he expectd that not workg would give me the time and flexibility to deal w home, so when he got home i could be there for him

What i didnt realize was that stayg home was MORE WORK! Many of my friends who r moms say to me 'i dont know how u do it', noting that being w the kids all day would drive them nuts. It really is a lot but i chose to do it and i dont complain
I also hav worked part time from home to earn a few extra dollars, and we hav 2 really small home businesses (that i run alone, and one of which HE suggested we start) which demand my time as well. So yes, he isnt acknowledging this part

WH even got mad at MC when we discussd this topic bcuz MC told him 'things change and u just have to deal w that' meaning what we thought stayg home would bring us versus what we ended up with.

[This message edited by Imissmyhusb at 1:25 PM, July 10th (Thursday)]


Married '03 - DD1 '01, DD2,3 '13, DD4 '14
3 kids 7y and 4y twins
me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 286 | Registered: Mar 2014
Shatteredreality
New Member
Member # 42481
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

Sexy lingerie having no affect whatever? Been there.

When I was finally starting to accept that talking was getting me nowhere, I still didn't give up. One day I was at a gift shop and amidst the trinkets on the checkout counter were these little coin-like tokens stamped with the phrase "Good for one roll in the hay". I gave it to my husband and let him know he could redeem it whenever he liked. Two years later we were packing to move across the country and I found it in his nightstand. He hadn't redeemed it once. I threw it away instead of packing it.


WS

An interviewer once asked me if I could sum up everything I know about psychology in ten words or less. I said, "Hell, I can do it in two words: People cope." --Mira Kirshenbaum


Posts: 36 | Registered: Feb 2014
Imissmyhusb
Member
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, July 10th (Thursday)


If he was dissatisfied, that's his problem. Did he talk with you about his dissatisfaction? How much effort did he put in to make life better?

Yes he did but the responsibility was put on me. When we talk now its about what i failed to do


Married '03 - DD1 '01, DD2,3 '13, DD4 '14
3 kids 7y and 4y twins
me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 286 | Registered: Mar 2014
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

so when he got home i could be there for him

That's not equal. He has to know that you did just as much work all day long as he did. Why can't he be there for you? That's why it's about being there for each other and sharing in whatever responsibilities are left after he gets home after working hours.

I still believe this is only PART of his issue though. A decent part but only a part. Putting responsibility solely on you for his sexual gratification is not right. IMO just another lame excuse for the A.


How do u continue to try and initiate when u walk into a rm wearg lingerie tryg to get your husb attn and he says 'i have work to do'? What a friggn blow. For someone who claimed to b a freak and wants it all the time, he made me feel like crap bcuz he didnt want me

^^^That breaks my heart for you. I could never have resisted MrsYop if she did that to me. The worst that I did was I rejected her offer three times in a two week time period but I did so out of my own issues. I was killing whatever was left of our sex life on purpose. I couldn't take going through my rejection cycle in between each time we had sex. So I killed it so I could stop my rejection cycle (thought I didn't know then that's what I was doing). I went through a three month mourning period over my sex life and the fact that I had resigned myself to become celibate. I was being a martyr. I was miserable and unhappy.

Notice everything I just said in that paragraph. It was all me me me me me me me me me. There was no US there. I realized how selfish I was being in projecting my being miserable outwards. This is where I straightened myself out and first apologized to my wife. IMO, your WH was/is doing similar things to you. He just doesn't see his happiness as his responsibility, sees it as yours, and is using it as an excuse. I tell you what, I'm willing to bet the farm that if you were a professional and not a SAHM that he would still have this part of the issue and then blame it on you were always working so he had to do the same. When I was a shitty H that's what I would have done.

I still never would have dreamed of having an A though. Again totally on HIM!!!

yop

eta - typo

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 1:34 PM, July 10th (Thursday)]


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2351 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Tred
Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

When we talk now its about what i failed to do

Disagree. You aren't responsible for his happiness. If he was so unhappy, why didn't he divorce you so he could live a life of unadulterated hedonism?


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 4091 | Registered: Dec 2011
imagoodwitch
Member
Member # 23375
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

^^ what Tred said


I am just your ordinary average everyday sane psycho supergoddess - Liz Phair

Don't keep dancing with the Devil and wonder why you are still in Hell.

It's all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits.


Posts: 5484 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Munchkinland
seethelight
Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, July 10th (Thursday)


Tell me about it!
How do u continue to try and initiate when u walk into a rm wearg lingerie tryg to get your husb attn and he says 'i have work to do'? What a friggn blow. For someone who claimed to b a freak and wants it all the time, he made me feel like crap bcuz he didnt want me

Eactly, Imissmyhub, that's what the movie "the freebie" describes.

The guy is bored with routine married sex, but somehow blames his wife. Even though they have a great relationship in every other respect.

He was just bored with sex with the same women ,and wanted variety. So even when she tries to be seductive, he rejects her by refusing to get it up.

BTW, the Wikipedia description of the movie suggests a happy ending, but it's really an up in the air ending about whether or not they will stay together.


There is NO EXCUSE for having an affair. I have tried and tried to rationalize it for my FWH's sake, but I can't. Our issues were somewhat different, but if he had said those words to me (above), I would have moved heaven and earth to make sure he didn't stray...

I agree there is no excuse for having an affair. To my mind people manufacture reasons to have them.

They create problems in the marriage, or rewrite the marital history to make reasons to have them.

Just like the husband in the movie "the Freebie." He is bored with sex, but blames the wife, no matter how hard she tries because he WANTS VARIETY, but he won't admit it to himself or the wife.

My own wayward, finally, did admit in counseling that there would have been nothing I could have done to stop the affair once it was in progress. He said he was bored with life in general.

He now says, he wishes he had romanced me the way he romanced her. Instead he admits that he manufactured problems by doing things to create the problem so that he could justify the affair.


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1516 | Registered: May 2014
Imissmyhusb
Member
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

he wishes he had romanced me the way he romanced her

I wish WH did too. It would hav made all the difference. I know for a fact he ordered hundred dollar flower bouquets for her from 800flowers (thought out in advance) but i got the $20 bouquet out of the supermarket fridge (last minute). Not that the dollar amt matters, just how much more he thought of her; when im here managing his life i get the scraps

Im gonna search for that movie on netflix

[This message edited by Imissmyhusb at 3:22 PM, July 10th (Thursday)]


Married '03 - DD1 '01, DD2,3 '13, DD4 '14
3 kids 7y and 4y twins
me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 286 | Registered: Mar 2014
quizical
New Member
Member # 21066
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

My husband and I haven't had sex in 9 years- yep 9 years. Betrayed- yes I feel betrayed. Have I cheated- no I haven't.

I haven't read the article- but I do feel betrayed. He isn't meeting my needs- emotionally, physically, or mentally. I know the road we are on is headed for divorce- it's just a matter of when I am able to. Until then I will live with the feelings of betrayal.
Even with 9 years of no sex in the marriage- I can't bring myself to cheat.


If you see the wonder of a fairytale- you can face the future, even if you fail.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: Florida
notquiteoverit
Member
Member # 32919
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

This is a load of crap. Marriage is a committment. If I remember correctly, "for better or for worse." That said, there are physical reasons why people (men and women) can't have sex - accidents, medications, or just plain age related issues. If this occurs to one partner, does this mean that the other partner now has the right to an affair? There is far more to a relationship than sexual needs.


Me - BS 50
Him - WS 49
SOW - 52 destitute loser
D-day 1/28/11

Posts: 580 | Registered: Jul 2011
RuckedUp
New Member
Member # 34268
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

It has been many years since we had sex. I don't remember the last time that we had sex. My marriage is sexless. I haven't cheated. My husband has been having at least emotional affairs for years. I do not believe a sexless marriage is a reason to cheat. I have tried talking and counseling. I haven't yet divorced and don't know if I ever will.

The sexlessness of our marriage nor the emotional affairs are the reason I feel betrayed. I feel betrayed because he refuses to work towards a mutually satisfying solution. He refuses to have sex or stop the affairs. He expects me to accept this lifestyle.

However, the sexlessness is worse for me than the affairs. That is because the sexlessness means it is depriving me of satisfying a biological drive. Masturbation doesn't satisfy the drive for intimacy. The affairs are emotionally painful, but my biology is stronger than my psychology.

I'm only responding from my experience. I do not expect others to feel the same.


Posts: 34 | Registered: Dec 2011
Breathing Heals
New Member
Member # 34701
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

I agree with gutfeeling that the partner withholding sex must look at themselves as part of the problem that has evolved in the marriage. Yes, people should talk first, be honest, work on improving the situation. Not doing so is cowardly. Being rejected sexually is very impactful. I think we may tend to minimize that sexual rejection because it is...well...'sex'. We wouldn't minimize withholding parental love and to me sexual love connects us with an essence of who we are...that then is rejected? Not good. My WH totally rejected me and it has taken me down some dark roads. I often wonder if his kids can feel what goes on between us and if it will affect them some day--in that way a sexless marriage in perhaps silent ways, could deeply deeply impacts the next generations own experience of joy, sexually and otherwise, in life.


Multiple NSAs, R that never got off the ground, guess I should have known. I was in R, he was busy...


Posts: 43 | Registered: Feb 2012
Lostly
Member
Member # 43953
Default  Posted: 12:35 AM, July 11th (Friday)

I was hesitant to reply to this post because it brings up many issues for me. Its funny how we tend to shy away from the posts that are just a little too close. They are probably the posts we need to respond to the most. The posts that help our own healing.

I was in a sexless marriage for 19 years, and I just didn't understand. I didn't understand what was wrong with me, what was broken in me that caused him not to want me that way? I did everything I possibly could think of and none of it mattered. Not only was I in a sexless marriage, I was in a marriage devoid of any physical touch. If I sat next to him he would move. If I touched him he would throw my hand off him. We discussed it, we went to counselors, I talked to friends. Their response? Well, you have 6 kids together so it can't be that bad (sex once every 7 or 8 months, for 2 minutes WOO HOO!!! Lucky me, I hit the jackpot. And that was just to shut me up).

I am having trouble continuing....I don't know. Its just really, really hard to be in that position. It really messes with your head. It really messes with you if you need physical intimacy in all its forms to feel loved. It still messes with my head....it fucks you up. I thought there was something wrong with me...I must be ugly. There must be something wrong with my body.... (I am 110 lbs, 5'5, d-cup and dated all the time in college...) yet I just knew, just knew that it must be me, right? Because if I was pretty, if I was sexy, If I was enough, then he would want to touch me....it.fucked.with.my.head.

yeah...I don't know.. subjects just to close. Sorry I couldn't add much to the discussion.


BW 48 - Multiple d-days
Divorced 2012 after 19 yrs
6 smart, beautiful, amazing kids Dd 19; Ds 17; Dd 15; Ds 13; Ds 11; Dd 10

Sometimes I hear my voice, and it's been here, silent all these years. I've been here, silent all these years.


Posts: 107 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Australia
RuckedUp
New Member
Member # 34268
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, July 11th (Friday)

Lostly, believe me I understand how you feel. I've been married over thirty years and most of them have been sexless in the most literal sense of the word. I think my WS affairs are also sexless. I have used a VAR and key logger and have found no evidence of sexual activity. My WS seems to adore me, but sex is something he does not want and therefore we do not have it.

I too tried for many years to figure out what was wrong with me. I felt it was something I was doing that caused our sexual problems. My WS always told me it was not me but that was all he was ever willing to say on the topic. I had IC but never MC because he refused to go.

I'm sorry that you have had a similar experience. I know how painful it is to be constantly rejected. One of the things that has caused me the most pain is when I obviously excite him and he still rejects me. I will never understand why we have a sexless marriage.


Posts: 34 | Registered: Dec 2011
yearsofpain25
Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, July 11th (Friday)

quizical, Lostly, RuckedUp, and anyone else that I missed that's in a similar situation, my heart breaks for you. That's a very painful crime and so sad. I don't know what to say. I don't give out these virtual huggy things lightly or very often...

(((((quizical, Lostly, RuckedUp, and anyone else that I missed)))))

I feel for you. I know it's almost impossible to not think that it's you but I hope you know that it is not. It's really a reflection on your H's. Really it is.

yop


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2351 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, July 11th (Friday)

I often wonder if his kids can feel what goes on between us and if it will affect them some day--in that way a sexless marriage in perhaps silent ways, could deeply deeply impacts the next generations own experience of joy, sexually and otherwise, in life.

Yes I do believe this.

I remember my mom making a cryptic comment to my dad when I was small - something about how he didn't do what "other husbands" do. I can't remember the exact wording now, but as a child I held onto it and pondered it because I didn't understand it. So I puzzled over it until I did understand it.

In my own marriage, we went through a long season (pre-affair) of him rejecting me sexually and me taking it extremely personally. In fact, even now if we don't have sex regularly, even though things are otherwise good, I take it as a personal condemnation of my attractiveness and my worth. Even though there could be a completely different set of circumstances at play. I do think this is related to how my mom and dad interacted.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 5-year-old daughter. Baby Green 2.0 expected June 2015!!!!!!!!!

Posts: 6937 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Summerluv123
Member
Member # 43876
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, July 11th (Friday)

In our case, our sex had become very mechanical. I have never been adventurous in that area as we did marry very young (18 & 19). He is my one and only. So everything I know I learned from him. He has asked many times to try other things, but I have built a wall and would not even entertain the idea. I knew that is how my WH wanted me to show love to him (physical touch is his love language). I just could not do it as I still have the wall up.

My IC and I have determined that I have to bring this wall down and that is our main focus. I tend to jump into non-relationship things to avoid intimacy and I have to stop that or I will never have a successful relationship with anyone.

Now to say that my sex issues caused his A's. No I do not think so, that is really his issue to deal with. But I do think getting to the roots of our issues will open a whole new intimacy that we have never had in our almost 29 years of marriage. I am ready to get deeper into therapy. We are really still the two teenagers that got married so many years ago. My IC said it was intimacy immaturity and we need to figure out how to grow into an adult sexual relationship.

Just wanted to share a bit that I have learned about me. My IC is great...she really has me thinking about me!!


BW - 46 (me)
WH - 47
M - 29 yrs
Together - 30 yrs
2 kids - over 18
3 A's - 2000, 2012 and 6/14
In R (lots of therapy!!)

Posts: 94 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Southern US
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, July 11th (Friday)

When we talk now its about what i failed to do

Blameshifting, pure and simple. Sex needs focus and energy. Being passive has a place, but your H owes focus and attention to both you and himself.

Why not dump him?

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:19 AM, July 11th (Friday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10582 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
PeaceLove187
Member
Member # 33559
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, July 11th (Friday)

My H said no to sex many times early in our marriage--so I should have had an affair, right? Now he's disabled and sex is difficult--so I should have an affair, right?

I see real therapists saying lack of sex is a legitimate excuse for an affair, but that's like saying the lack of a raise at work is an excuse to steal from the company. Integrity shouldn't be contingent on the actions of others. How you treat someone you supposedly love shouldn't depend on whether you got some action last night.

Yes, a sexless marriage is a serious problem and can be grounds for divorce but it will never, ever be grounds for an affair. That's just blame shifting and the therapists who say otherwise should be ashamed of themselves.

[This message edited by PeaceLove187 at 10:41 AM, July 11th (Friday)]


BW--Me, 57
FWH--Him, 59
Married 35 years
Empty Nesters

Posts: 642 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, July 11th (Friday)

Imissmyhusb,

How much are you buying what he is selling here?


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5156 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
seethelight
Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, July 11th (Friday)

I know for a fact he ordered hundred dollar flower bouquets for her from 800flowers (thought out in advance) but i got the $20 bouquet out of the supermarket fridge (last minute).

Not that the dollar amt matters,

just how much more he thought of her; when im here managing his life i get the scraps

Imissmyhub:

Yes, the dollar amount matters. If he had extra money to spend on flowers the money should have been spent on you and your family.

Not an OW.

Don't feel badly because the dollar amount he spent on the OW matters to you.

It should matter, if he has the money to spend. And, obviously he did.


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1516 | Registered: May 2014
LostAngry
Member
Member # 40808
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, July 11th (Friday)

I, also, agree with gutfeeling. It is not the reason for the affair and does not justify one, but yes, it is a betrayal in itself if it is due to laziness or disinterest on the part of one spouse.

If my spouse were unwilling to help or change after many discussions, he would be given three choices and I would move forward based on what choice he made.


"How people treat you is their Karma. How you react is yours."
Wayne Dyer

Posts: 144 | Registered: Sep 2013
Imissmyhusb
Member
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, July 11th (Friday)

Don't feel badly because the dollar amount he spent on the OW matters to you.

I meant what he spent on my flowers. He could hav bought me a $500 bouquet. He shldnt have bought her a dam thg
How much are you buying what he is selling

I see what he's up to


Married '03 - DD1 '01, DD2,3 '13, DD4 '14
3 kids 7y and 4y twins
me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 286 | Registered: Mar 2014
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, July 11th (Friday)

Good!!!


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5156 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
notperfect5
Member
Member # 43330
Default  Posted: 2:14 AM, July 15th (Tuesday)

What i didnt realize was that stayg home was MORE WORK! Many of my friends who r moms say to me 'i dont know how u do it', noting that being w the kids all day would drive them nuts. It really is a lot but i chose to do it and i dont complain

IMMH, I hope your doing ok...

My wife and I both work. To do a good job at home, is by far the more taxing. Sometimes, after taking care of the kids for a couple days (admittedly 5, but you've got twins) I crawl back to work to recuperate. Children will break you...

Regarding the no sex... my wife pretty much cut me off for months. I regarded it as an "issue" she had and was trying to get over. Eventually it got better, but in hindsight I could have done so much more to lighten her load. It was my inattentiveness to her that made it last longer than necessary.

However, once she had her EA, the tables were turned. She wanted so much sex, I couldn't keep up--still can't. So, now I get to see the other side. I'm too tired, or I have a headache or I'm worried about work or just plain let me be for a while. Strange how our bodies don't always behave the way we want them to. So, in a way, I see that it isn't her or me holding us back on satisfying each other, it's just the way it is for a time. Perhaps I needed to see the other side for a bit. In a way, it helps knowing that it wasn't me before, because I know right now it isn't her that I don't admire, it is that I'm just tired and worried right now.

Patience is a virtue. Hang in there!


Me: 45 BH
Her: 42 WW
DDay 8/13 EA, TT went underground
Broke NC and turned PA on 8/4/14
Limping, bleeding into R
Married 23 years
5 Children 15 to 3-1/2

Posts: 203 | Registered: May 2014
Imissmyhusb
Member
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, July 15th (Tuesday)

Yes im doing ok, thanks for askg

The other day i lost it though. Smashd my phone on the floor and took a swing at WH. May hav to start a new thread for that one once i get my thoughts together


Married '03 - DD1 '01, DD2,3 '13, DD4 '14
3 kids 7y and 4y twins
me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 286 | Registered: Mar 2014
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, July 15th (Tuesday)

He also told me that he has suffered psychological damage from our sexless marriage and that really breaks my heart.

Pffft.

I've suffered psychological damage reading about his constant justification for cheating, his constant blame-shifting for his crap behavior, and his over-dramatic accusations of 'psychological damage' you supposedly caused him because you didn't kneel at his feet and gaze up at him adoringly all night - while wearing a neglige and begging him for sex - the minute he walked through the door every night.

He needs to get over himself.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1904 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, July 15th (Tuesday)

Imissmyhusb, you've got to stop accepting his blame for his horrible treatment of you. He's upset because you didn't initiate - that's not sexless, that's just not exactly what he wants. No one is guaranteed that.

Your H is a first class A-hole. You're putting too much stock in his selfish comments. Ask yourself this - how many people do you know that behave like he does? How many accept the crap he's piled onto you? Once you do that, you'll see that the answer is almost no one, to both questions. If no one acts like he does, then how on earth is his messed up selfish behavior your fault?

It's not - end of story.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
WhatsRight
Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, July 15th (Tuesday)

No matter what we are going through in our experiences with infidelity – it is fairly impossible for someone to know exactly how we feel. No two situations are exactly the same. It's not a matter of who has it worse. – It is just different. But we can hopefully empathize with each other and provide support for each other.

It is extremely difficult for someone to understand what a truly sexless marriage is like. Not a situation where you don't have sex for a few weeks or a few months or even a year or two. But a situation where there is nothing sexual or physical between the two of you – for year after year after year. As a couple of other posters mentioned – not even a touch on the shoulder, holding hands, and for me – not even eye contact. This type of situation takes you far beyond the "I'm horny and he won't satisfy me" feeling. I personally equally it with "failure to thrive" – where an infant suffers, and in some cases even dies - from lack of physical contact and any kind of real connection.

I believe that, for individuals who are basically psychologically sound, the issue of a sexless marriage seems almost like a "no-brainer". "All men want sex" - "if they're not getting it at home they will get it somewhere else" - "it is grounds for divorce".

My husband has been severely disabled and in a wheelchair for over 30 years. He was disabled when I met him. Despite this – our sex life was very fulfilling to me, and I think to him. But I do not believe that my husband is psychologically sound. When kids came – and with addiction issues from their birth mothers – and we experienced multiple family deaths in a short period of time – he started with pornography, then online with strangers, then a prostitute.

It has been seven years since his physical infidelity. I don't need to tell any of you how badly I have been hurt. For my husband, his shame and disgust in his own behavior has rendered him completely uninterested in anything sexual. Even during our hysterical bonding – he was not totally into it. He seemed amazed, but less than as enthusiastic as I would have thought he would be. Don't get me wrong – I am not making excuses for him. But his disinterest in all things sexual is not defensiveness, or a pity party in my opinion. He is not psychologically capable at this point of dealing with what we have faced – and in some cases what HE has made us face in the past few years.

So, I am saying all this just to express that I believe – in some cases – it is a serious psychological issue – not always a selfishness or revenge, etc. Sure, we suffer during this time. All people want physical intimacy and connection – especially with a spouse. And divorce is certainly an option.

In our case, I believe that my husband has "given up" on real happiness in his life. We are 60-ish and I believe he is just living out his life until it is over. At this point, for me, it is no longer about who did what to whom. I have no interest in "walking out" and finding happiness elsewhere. I am a grown woman – advanced age – responsibilities with kids and family - And no matter what he has done, my husband cannot function daily without assistance due to his disability.

I am making every attempt to get my husband to get some help. This is what I have chosen – but I am not suggesting that others need to do the same.

I just wanted to suggest that a sexless situation is not always a matter of defensiveness, revenge, blame shifting, etc. Sometimes it can be that the offender can be so devastated by their actions that they too are emotionally too distraught to functionally "normally" - especially if they have other issues as well.

I wish you well.



"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
Razor
Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, July 15th (Tuesday)

Sexless marriage = affair?

NO.

What if your spouse is injured or becomes somehow impaired such that they can not have sex? Are you then somehow justified in having a affair?

HELL NO.

You either suck it up. find treatment or counseling. find other ways of physical intimacy. or you D. Those are the choices that are available if a person has integrity and genuinely loves their spouse.

Dont misunderstand. I am a guy that LOVES sex. Ive always had a high appetite. and I think sex is one of the greatest experiences in life. BUT would I have a affair if she were unable ever to have sex again?

HELL NO.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
StillGoing
Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, July 15th (Tuesday)

What a stupid fucking article.

eta:

And when I say stupid fucking article, I mean that is a stupid fucking blog post by a complete moron I wouldn't trust with problem-solving a soda can to Open, much less helping with a fucked up relationship.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 12:01 PM, July 15th (Tuesday)]


"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7576 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Imissmyhusb
Member
Member # 42734
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, July 15th (Tuesday)

But a situation where there is nothing sexual or physical between the two of you – for year after year after year. As a couple of other posters mentioned – not even a touch on the shoulder, holding hands, and for me – not even eye contact. This type of situation takes you far beyond the "I'm horny and he won't satisfy me" feeling. I personally equally it with "failure to thrive" – where an infant suffers, and in some cases even dies - from lack of physical contact and any kind of real connection

This sounds a lot like the way he describes his experience. I had no idea it was like this for him. During many of these years i had 3 small children and my days ran into each other. It just didnt seem like that much time passed between times we connected


Married '03 - DD1 '01, DD2,3 '13, DD4 '14
3 kids 7y and 4y twins
me - sahm since '07, him - idk him any more
~~~~~~~~~
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

Posts: 286 | Registered: Mar 2014
veronique12
Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, July 15th (Tuesday)

H and I were in basically a sexless M for a few years. We are both conflict avoiders and I shut down emotionally due to anger at avoiding conflict (irony). When I caught him on DDay he blamed me for checking out of the M a long time ago. He's since changed his tune on that, thankfully.

In many ways, I did check out of the M. But so did H. And like many others have said the real issue at hand is conflict avoidance and also why my H chose lying and cheating over honesty about his feelings and telling me what he needed--work on fixing things or D. He said he was so angry at me for "throwing away" our M that he just went for the A. He has admitted that there was an element of vindictiveness in it too, as OW was supposedly my friend. Now he realizes that he played a big role too in our M coming off the rails pre-A and that one of his MO's in life is blame shifting.

A sexless M between two people (obv those not disabled, psychologically traumatized, or who have an agreement to be celibate) is a symptom that something is very off between them. At least it was for us. Neither my H nor I were able to say what we needed--shoot I didn't even think I had needs anymore. Sadly, the A is what blew the lid off things and finally got us talking about what we need from each other. It's almost as if a steam valve was opened and our anger, fears, needs, and wishes can now be expressed. We had to get to the very edge of the abyss to realize that we didn't want to go over it. I know it's so basic, but I am repeatedly amazed at how healing it is to communicate with and validate each other.


BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 571 | Registered: Jan 2014
Topic Posts: 54