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User Topic: He found out that I hired a PI in Nashville
TS68
Member
Member # 40211
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

I have not posted in months, but was urged by a private message friend to put my story on the boards for feedback.

Since last summer, I have been suspecting an inappropriate relationship between my H and his secretary. After many red flags and staunch denial from my H that their relationship was strictly professional, I stumbled upon the fact that he was taking her on a business trip to Nashville. When I asked him before the trip if he was bringing anyone else from his company he said no. So I hired a PI.

The PI confirmed she was there, but saw no signs of affection between the two of them. They were entertaining 10 customers the whole time the PI was following them. I was relieved that nothing was found, but the fact that he lied about her attendance still stood out in my brain. This is when I stopped posting, because I figured I had a liar on my hands as opposed to a cheater.

A few weeks after the trip, I told him that I knew she went. He admitted it was true, but instead of being apologetic, he told me some excuse for her presence but said I would have gone ballistic had he told me. I reminded him that he promised no more lies regarding her, but he just said "too bad, I had no choice"

Then he again said he would not lie about her anymore.

I did some digging, heard two conversations between them recently where he was bad mouthing me... Saying I am always yelling at him, talked about how he is not afraid of getting an apt and living alone. Also took her on a golf outing, where she admitted to drinking too much, he gave her a lot of compliments. He said he was going to give her some golf clubs he gave me which I never used, told her about "how he never paid for ho''s" then about how he and the kids "lived large" in Scottsdale, implying that I did not attend a family trip. (I came a day late BC of my job). Another conversations he told her she should go topless to another industry (joking, of course) event that he told me she wasn''t attending. And showed her pics of our remodeled basement, claiming he did it all himself (we hired a contractor). I could go on an on, but one thing I will say, the conversations were anything but professional. Tough to say what is really going on there but I will say he is not keeping his word with me.

All of that last info he does not know I heard. Nor have I confronted him on it.

So... Last week he called me while I was working, asked why there were large withdrawals from our kids savings. I wanted to lie but he said he was calling the bank. So I told him flat out: I hired a PI while you were in Nashville with secretary.

Furious was not the word. Livid. When I finally saw him that night I told him that I had no choice, I have repeatedly asked him to be honest about his time with her and he continued to lie. I told him the truth that I just needed to know. He called me crazy, delusional, actually slapped me, kicked me as I walked away (we were in the garage) and pulled out a golf club for a second and raised it and I screamed and ran down the driveway.

It has been one week since this happened. We have talked very little. I have slept on the couch by choice. I told him that I would do it all again, I had no other choice. He claimed someone must have "helped me with this... I don''t just hire a PI on my own" I got in his face and said no one helped me. I did it all myself. He underestimates me. He insists that I will have to show I am really really sorry for what I did before he forgives me.

Spent a few days away on a girls trip with my mom daughter and niece. Now I am home and dreading facing him.

I know I need to get out. Just still feel like this is such a crazy situation, no proof of an affair, yet constant lies. He even lies to her about unrelated stuff.

Please, feedback? What should my next move be... I know the obvious, but am really just overwhelmed



Married 20 years

Posts: 194 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
TrustedHer
Member
Member # 23328
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

He called me crazy, delusional, actually slapped me, kicked me as I walked away (we were in the garage) and pulled out a golf club for a second and raised it and I screamed and ran down the driveway.

Why do you value yourself so little you'd stay in this situation?
He's abusive, disrespectful, lying, controlling.

You're passive, endangered, and abused.

Get help.

He should have been arrested immediately after slapping you.


Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

Posts: 5152 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
WinterBranch
Member
Member # 42671
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

To preface, I'm from Nashville. AND I'm a '68 model.

Woman, I'm here for you. Do whatever I can for ya. Just wanted you to know.

Gut feelings are given to us to help our lives. Honor them.

Much love to you and yours,
WB


Me: Woman. In. Pain.
Him: Skittle-Sucking Toad and Con-Man.

Posts: 140 | Registered: Mar 2014
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

ctually slapped me, kicked me as I walked away (we were in the garage) and pulled out a golf club for a second and raised it and I screamed and ran

Run, as fast as you can. File a report with the police and see a divorce attorney. He is abusing you in so many ways....

I also hired a PI. If he's not going to tell me the truth about my life then I'll do what I need to do to find out myself. And not apologize for it

[This message edited by rachelc at 7:29 PM, July 10th (Thursday)]


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4896 | Registered: Dec 2010
Badhurt
Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

I don't give a shit if you hired the CIA to track him, him physically hitting you or putting his hands on you is END OFGAME .
You need to file a police report, get an attorney and get away from him.
He is lying to you, at least surely trying to get in her pants, and you cannot allow this to continue.
Next time he might hit you harder

Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
Lostly
Member
Member # 43953
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

You need to leave immediately. It is NEVER ok for anyone to physically assault you, EVER. Better yet, he needs to leave. Do not let your kids grow up around violence. Please do not subject yourself or them to that.

He is repeatedly lying to you, that much you know as fact. On top of that he is either wanting an A or currently engaging in an affair. He doesn't care about your feelings, he only cares about himself. I don't care if you used all of your kids savings, hired 10 PI's and had him followed 24-7 for the last 10 years, violence is NEVER justified or OK.

Please call a good divorce lawyer, and please, please, please protect yourself and your children.

I know its hard, but its the right thing to do. If you can't do it for your self, please do it for your children. I am so so sorry you are going through this. ((((hugs))))


BW 48 - Multiple d-days
Divorced 2012 after 19 yrs
6 smart, beautiful, amazing kids Dd 19; Ds 17; Dd 15; Ds 13; Ds 11; Dd 10

Sometimes I hear my voice, and it's been here, silent all these years. I've been here, silent all these years.


Posts: 93 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Australia
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

(((TS68))) I am so sorry. You didn't deserve any of that abuse. I believe you are in shock. Please listen to the wise words of the previous posters and act quickly to protect yourself and children.

I know it must be crazy making to not have definitive proof, but whatever your husband is or isn't doing, his behaviour is shady. He doesn't care about your feelings. Is this the first time he has struck you, pushed, squeezed, etc. you?

I wouldn't confront him any further, TS, about what you heard. What is the point? I am afraid his violence will escalate if you do confront him. He is not safe for you to be around. An innocent person, a person who truly loves you, who has your happiness and well being as his priority, doesn't go off like that, so you aren't crazy. You are being majorly gaslighted somehow. You don't need to figure out how, you are. I have heard of some very crazy, convoluted gaslighting here on this board, TS. BS's don't think of this shit because we don't think like unremorseful WS's. It is literally crazymaking.

Take care, TS. Please, even call a women's shelter, I believe they can give you some great tips to keep you safe. I am not being melodramatic here. He raised a golf club at you. That is some scary freaking shit and also very traumatizing. Are you in IC? Right now is the time to start if you aren't already. You can have a case of PTSD. Keep posting and let us know how it is going.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9635 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
brkn_heartd
Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

I am sorry you are in this situation. Your situation is very concerning, especially with the violence you mentioned. Unfortunately, in the news in the last few days two families were killed as a result of domestic violence. It is a real thing. Your spouse has significant issues. You need to get out with your children, or kick him out. If you want to work things out do in when you know you are safe with professional help. This is nothing to take lightly.

He is a liar, you know that. He thinks you are unworthy, and helpless. That is obvious by his comments that you are not capable of hiring a private investigator. He is concerning! You do not deserve this!


Me-51 BS
Him 58-WS
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1591 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
MissMouseMo
Member
Member # 38562
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

Game Over, sweetie.

He has become violent.


It is the gut-wrenching, down-to-your-soul honesty that helps so much. ~paraphrased from CancunCrushed
"I edit, therefore I am." -BionicGal

Posts: 286 | Registered: Feb 2013
simplydevastated
Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

Please get help. If he's capable of this who knows what he'll do. I know that first call is tough. Please reach out to someone.

Sending you strength and (((hugs)))


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

I'm so sorry that happened.

Make a police report. Get an attorney RIGHT NOW. Get him the fuck out of your house. Protect yourself and your kids.

Totally unacceptable behavior. The rest of the story doesn't even matter right now, to be honest.

Safety first. Always.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
WarehouseGuy
Member
Member # 6037
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

He insists that I show I am really sorry for what I did before he forgives me.

He's been caught and he's trying to save his ass now. Fuck him.

There is NO reason for physical violence. Run NOW! You NEED to protect your kids and yourself. Time to lawyer up.

whg


If you see your ex with someone else--don't be jealous. Our parents taught us to give our old,used toys to the less fortunate.

Posts: 5291 | Registered: Dec 2004 | From: Michigan
StillLivin
Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

Didn't the police arrest him when you called them? You did call them and report the domestic abuse right?
Cheating is forgiveable if the WS is willing to put in the work to fix their mess. Physical abuse is not. It's time to file and run like hell. I feel sorry for the co-worker. Looks like he is setting up his next victim. Since she isn't an OW I would warn her about his pathological lying and physical abuse while I was on my way out the door!


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2230 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
cryingdaily
Member
Member # 7276
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

You hired a PI and he raged, slapped and kicked you.

I don't even want to think about the rage he will show when you actually catch him.....because IMHO, he is just very good at not getting caught.

I am afraid for you. Please get away from him.

(((TS68)))


Me: BS 48
Him: Doesn't matter any more.
The Royal Court, formerly known as the Princess Posse:
DD31 - Belle
DD23 - Xena
GD10 - Jasmine
GD8 - Ariel
GD Born 9/4/12 - Tink
GS Born 6/23/2014 - Little Prince

Posts: 14400 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: Massachusetts
whattheh
Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 8:48 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

It was bad enough that he has been emotionallly abusing you with gaslighting about the emotional affair he is apparently engaged in with COW. He is extremely defensive and is deflecting and changing attention from what he is enagaged in with COW.

Now that he has reacted violently towards you it's time to get some help from outside resources don't you think? Please do as others say and talk to attorney and domestic abuse shelter.


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 535 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Badhurt
Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

TS68

Hope you are ok. You asked for advice and you got it. And it was basically 100% the same.
You his and s either involved in A or wants one
He wants you to allow it to happen
And he is willing to now hit you to get his way

Now you need to act and do what you need to do. Do not use your kids as am excuse. There are many women who have been hurt very badly dong that


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
TS68
Member
Member # 40211
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

I just need to figure out what to do NOW. I am trying not to aggravate him. I don't care about the damn secretary. I just wanted something solid to use against him.

I will call an attorney tomorrow. Take it from there.

Thank you all.



Married 20 years

Posts: 194 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
Badhurt
Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

Just stay safe and do not hesitate to call police if necessary

Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

Just to be sure...

You do think the domestic violence is the 'something solid', right?

And it's not about using it against him. It's about protecting yourself.

Frankly, promising to tell the truth and then lying is pretty solid, too.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10054 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Lostly
Member
Member # 43953
Default  Posted: 11:33 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

I am glad that you are seeing a lawyer. Please keep us posted, and please, please, please stay safe. Its time for you to get the heck out'a Dodge....(((hugs)))


BW 48 - Multiple d-days
Divorced 2012 after 19 yrs
6 smart, beautiful, amazing kids Dd 19; Ds 17; Dd 15; Ds 13; Ds 11; Dd 10

Sometimes I hear my voice, and it's been here, silent all these years. I've been here, silent all these years.


Posts: 93 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Australia
Hope2B
Member
Member # 40474
Default  Posted: 12:39 AM, July 11th (Friday)

He called me crazy, delusional, actually slapped me, kicked me as I walked away (we were in the garage) and pulled out a golf club for a second and raised it and I screamed and ran down the driveway.
I really think you should have called the police and had him arrested for assault and battery. Then, you should have taken out a restraining order on him, while at the same time, have a friend change out ALL your locks, and change out the garage opener code.

He has shown you he will not hesitate to physically attack you. You did not *make him* do this, so if he hands you that line, don't believe him.

Please be safe. If necessary, go to a women's shelter and take the children so he cannot say you "abandoned" them.

He insists that I will have to show I am really really sorry for what I did before he forgives me.
This is the biggest piece of crap I've read today.

At the very least, so what if you don't have "proof" of an affair? You have proof of his lies, and proof that he attacked you.

It is VERY DOUBTFUL, like I am 99.999% sure, he will NOT change. I know in your Profile you said you didn't want to get a divorce. I hope you changed your mind about that, since this situation has taken a terrifying turn.

See an attorney, be safe. You are in danger--things might be calm now, but what about next time he gets riled up?!

[This message edited by Hope2B at 12:41 AM, July 11th (Friday)]


Me: early 60s
Him: 65 yrs old, LTA w/a pro$titute
Married since 1980, no children
DDay: Feb. 25, 2013
Trickle Truth Days: Sept 10, 11, 13, 15 (2013)
His affair--says it was only 8 times 1x/mo, then found out it was 7 YEARS 2-3x/mo

Posts: 356 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: out west/west coast U.S.A.
momentintime
Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 12:57 AM, July 11th (Friday)

You don't need his forgiveness for hiring a PI. You did what you had to do, since he is a liar, and in a EA, if not a PA. He should be begging your forgiveness for his outright lying. He is just trying to control you and switch the focus onto you.

Don't buy into his making you feel guilty. You did what you had to do for your sanity and to finally find out the truth. Don't let him sweep that under the rug. Don't apologize for the PI in anyway.

You know the M isn't healthy. You know you are at risk. You fear him, fear his reactions. This is no way to live. Do what you need to do to feel safe.


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2964 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 1:30 AM, July 11th (Friday)

He hit and kicked you -- strike 1

He wants you to earn his forgiveness -- bwahahaha ---um hell no... strike 2

he's lying his lying ass off -- strike 1, strike 2 and strike 3....get him out

Step 1. Call an attorney
Step 2. Call an IC specializing in abuse/DV
Step 3. Get every single account number, password, ect for every single financial account. Get print outs of everything! Hard Copies -- store them away from your house.
1. your mortgage
2. The deed to your house
3. Savings/checking/retirement accoutns
4. insurance including car insurance policy numbers and records
5. credit cards
6. investment account records
7. cell phone bill information
8. utility account numbers
9. Make sure you have individual bank accounts and credit cards so he can't cut you off financially
10. run a credit report on both of you.
11. copies of his pay stubs if possible
12. tax records
13. Get your name on utility bills.
14. Make sure you have a vehicle with your name on it.


These things will help you with leverage. They will protect you from inconvenience and headaches if he gets stupid and controlling. Don't let him know what you're doing.

Be careful about leaving the house for too many days. Get him out.


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8440 | Registered: Apr 2008
itainteasy
Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, July 11th (Friday)

He hit you, kicked you, and threatened you with a golf club.

Then he had the BALLS to say YOU had to work for HIS forgiveness???

Good luck with the attorney, please let us know that you're safe.


Posts: 3371 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
TS68
Member
Member # 40211
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, July 11th (Friday)

Hexed: that is just what I was looking for. Several things I hadn't thought of. The day he found out about the PI he took all the car keys except my son's... Told me he pays for all the cars and to go get my own. He rescinded that 2 days later. Also took my amx that we use for gas/Costco. He has not given me that back yet, nor have I asked.

I work part time as an RN. I could work a ton more but it would mean leaving my kids home more, which I hate. They are not comfortable when with him.

I know what I need to do... But the shock and reality is really, really tough. At one time I said I did not want a divorce, but now I do. It is the process I am afraid of. He can be one nasty SOB.



Married 20 years

Posts: 194 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
DixieD
Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, July 11th (Friday)

TS68, you've gotten a lot of good advice here. The thing that comes to my mind that I wanted to add, is to remove your personal information, like where you are from and your age etc from your tagline. Perhaps go back in and make your posts more generic (if that's not breaking forum guidelines).

You've given enough information to make yourself easily identifiable IRL. If your husband said he didn't think you came up with the PI idea on your own, he's going to wonder/search for who gave you the idea. Forums like this are easy to search. He may also be the type to install tracking software on your computer etc while you were away, to spy on you. He sounds very controlling and I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. If you don't want to give him advanced notice of what you are doing, keep in mind you don't want to put stuff out there that he can get his hands on. I know, ironically sneaky, but you gotta protect yourself and he sounds really shady.

Stay safe!


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
Bigger
Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, July 11th (Friday)

He called me crazy, delusional, actually slapped me, kicked me as I walked away (we were in the garage) and pulled out a golf club for a second and raised it and I screamed and ran down the driveway.

At first I only read that far and had already come to a conclusion.

Then I read on and the comments about the golf-set, the keys and the cars and all that…

Honey – you are in an abusive relationship.
Irrespective of the possible infidelity then his actions show total and utter disrespect for you.
Your sense of fear… that’s how he’s starting to control you.

In the strongest of words then you need to take action.
That can be filing for divorce.
That can be calling an abused-woman’s helpline for advice (these life-saving resources are not only for those women that have already been beaten senseless – they DO advice women in the early stages).
That can be demanding MC.

But honey – YOU NEED TO TAKE ACTION.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5546 | Registered: Sep 2005
catperson
New Member
Member # 38441
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, July 11th (Friday)

They are not comfortable when with him.
Why is that?

Is he abusive or controlling to them, too?

As for what to do now that you're back, I hope the FIRST thing you do is face him and say 'the next time you touch me I'm calling the police.'

The lawyer will tell you that you are entitled to half of everything, including the cars, and he has no right to keep you from them. IIWY, if he still refuses to give you a car, I would call a locksmith and hire him to MAKE you another key to one of them.


Posts: 14 | Registered: Feb 2013
TS68
Member
Member # 40211
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, July 11th (Friday)

He is cold and distant from them, especially the older
boys. He always has been. The older they get, the more I see them avoiding him. Besides financially, he has been a lousy father emotionally. He has always put his interests and desires before them.

I will update my profile. Great advice.

[This message edited by TS68 at 1:07 PM, July 11th, 2014 (Friday)]



Married 20 years

Posts: 194 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
pearlharbr
New Member
Member # 38072
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, July 11th (Friday)

I will add to hex's great list:

Research the top divorce attorneys in your area. Get a free consult from as many as possible. Once you have conferred with them they cannot take your H as a client. If there are any that specialize in men's rights make sure to see them.


Me: BSO, 40 / Him: WSO, 39
Together since 2000
DDay: 11/08 A with COW
Reconciled, Married 12/11

Posts: 24 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: PacNW
OutoftheDeep
Member
Member # 42601
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, July 11th (Friday)

This is when I wish all of us on SI could get together and show up as an army.

You need to have one goal: to get rid of his s.o.b. You are not a dog to be slapped, kicked, threatened, abused, and cheated on. Oh and then ask for his forgivness? Prosecute, divorce. he might be abusing your children too, or he will. Abusers aren't that specific, don't assume they are. What if next time he kicks you he busts your kidney? Or breaks your jaw? or god forbid one of the kids tries to interfere?

You need to become a warrior, those bitch boots everyone talks about? yeah, put them on. Repeat these two words to yourself: f**k. him. He will be confused and flabbergasted if you do, and that's what you want. Of course, above all else keep yourself safe. I would normally advise spending a few days first cleaning out the bank accounts and getting your stuff etc, but you don't even have that luxury. Get out. Let that bitch have his violent cheating ass. She can go to his social events topless and play with your golf clubs if she wants, and then when he finds some new strange she can be the one getting kicked.

Call a women's abuse hotline, an attorney, make a police report, tell family members. You are not safe.

As someone else said, game over.


Me - maybe BW 40s
He - maybe WH 40s
My mother was always the OW
ExWH in first M had lta.
Current marriage:
2/'13 out all night with an ow
2/'13 busted at strip club
4/'14-? bad boundaries w/howorker

Posts: 369 | Registered: Feb 2014
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, July 11th (Friday)

I am sorry I wasn't more specific, TS68. When I suggested calling the women's shelter for tips, I meant that they will give you the excellent tips like hexed gave you, but also how to do it all the whilst keeping yourself (and children) safe during the transition. This is the most dangerous time for the abused. Even if your husband never was physically abusive before, and this is the first time, it can escalate very quickly. When he starts feeling he has no control over you, it is an extremely dangerous time.

I will add to what hexed said. Make sure you make two copies. Have a trusted friend/family member keep copies for you. Put your copies somewhere safe, a safety deposit box, for instance.

Please keep us posted.



BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9635 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Schadenfreude
Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, July 11th (Friday)

Riled up he will get. Its not in your post specifically, but I suspect his secretary is playing hard to get and this upsets him greatly. Maybe she says no fooling around until he files for D or something like that. Or maybe she's having an EA that he wants to take further to a PA and she's not going along with his game.

Anything he thinks that gets in his way, like being discovered in his lies about his relationship with her, is going to set him off like a 4th of July rocket. And you are the target.

I don't have to repeat what the others have UNANIMOUSLY told you about getting out NOW. He's dangerous.

Tell the lawyer about the physical abuse and see what she/he can do to get a court order or protective order. Don't tell WH you're seeing a lawyer or that you have filed for divorce. Get safe and have him served. The sooner you do, the safer you'll be. See if he can be barred from the home except under supervised conditions due to physical abuse.


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
FixYou71
Member
Member # 42654
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, July 11th (Friday)

Please go back and reread your post from 11:08. I think you inadvertantly included yours or someone elses name. Probably your auto correct filling in a frequently typed name.


BS: 43
H: 49
Dday #1 Oct 2007 (Porn for 2 yrs)
Dday #2 May 2013 (Porn for 5 more yrs))
Dday#3 May 2014 (finally admitted to drunk kissing OW in 1994: the 2nd drunken kiss with another woman during our M)
DD 21 and DS 17
Married 1993

Posts: 451 | Registered: Mar 2014
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, July 11th (Friday)

I agree with everyone else. I want to add that whether or not he is cheating (he is or is at least trying to) is not your biggest problem right now. The fact that he is a liar is not your biggest problem right now.

Right now your biggest problem is that he is an abuser and you are being abused. Physically, mentally and emotionally.

None of that shit is OK. Even if he wasn't a WS and you had no cause to be suspicious, even if he wasn't lying and she wasn't there. His reaction is NOT OK. It is NOT normal.

There are NO circumstances that would warrant that violence. NONE WHATSOEVER.

How the fuck DARE he.

ETA: you need to report this to the police. To protect yourself and your children. Talk to the DV counsellors about how to so that.

[This message edited by SBB at 12:41 PM, July 11th (Friday)]


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5548 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, July 11th (Friday)

TS

How old are your kids? You might need to work more in the future but hopefully he will be out of the house so it won't be so bad for them.

You have a job. There is no reason you can't get your own cards. Call your current card companies and apply. Do NOT accept an authorized user card. You need your own individual cards.

Get a separate bank account and ATM card. My X trashed our joint account and got it closed by the bank. It made it almost impossible for me to open a bank account wiht a major bank or credit union until I got that straigtened out. Thankfully, I already had my own but I could have been in a cash only world of hurt.

If your cell phone isn't in your own name he can have it cancelled instantly. If your name is on the account at least you can get it turned back on. Better to have your own already, even a pre-paid one for emergency.

Car insurance is another one that can be tricky. Insist or do it yourself, get your name on the registration and title to at least one vehicle. Get copies of keys and hide them. Even if you have to pay for the expensive ones from the dealer.

If you have documents of your assets before you file it make financial discovery easier and protects you if he liquidates things.

If he gets physical at all, call the cops.

If possible squirrel away the money for a retainer with out telling him. If not, be prepared to go in guns ablaze and use a joint card to pay the retainer. Just know that once he sees the charge he will know what's up so you need to be prepared that day.

Feel free to PM me...this post is getting loooong


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8440 | Registered: Apr 2008
TS68
Member
Member # 40211
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, July 11th (Friday)

After a brief conversation I had with him earlier today I realize he thinks I either still have a PI or know more...

I am placating him right now to calm him down. Buy me some time.



Married 20 years

Posts: 194 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
heme
Member
Member # 40684
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, July 11th (Friday)

Please find a way to get out and take your children with you.. Its not going to get better, it will get worse. Hes abusing you, next time you might end up in the hospital or worse.


BS: Me (30)
WS: Husband (31)
Married 8 years, together 9
D-Day: Sept 10, 2013
D-Day2: May 31, 2014
Children: 5, ages 7, 5, 3, 1 and due in September

Leaning towards leaving, no one deserves this pain.


Posts: 205 | Registered: Sep 2013
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, July 11th (Friday)

Please please please be careful and get out if you can. I've been reading stories lately on April Jace, Dominique Dunne, Judith Barsi, Chris Benoit's family… In some cases, there are signs in advance that a person is escalating… No matter what, he should never have put his hands on you. That he is unremoseful and his behavior continues to be threatening - taking your car keys and card… None of those are signs of a safe person. You're in danger, please get out of there!

[This message edited by silverhopes at 4:24 PM, July 11th (Friday)]


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3905 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
devasted30
Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, July 11th (Friday)

Please listen to what everyone else is saying. Get out. Get out now. This is a very dangerous man you are dealing with. A liar and an abuser and you have no idea what a trapped animal might do. For your sake and the kids, get out now.

Posts: 1139 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, July 12th (Saturday)

TS68, how are you doing today?

[This message edited by silverhopes at 10:49 AM, July 12th (Saturday)]


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3905 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
TS68
Member
Member # 40211
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, July 12th (Saturday)

I am okay... I am working all wknd and kids are visiting cousins out of town.

Things seem calmer now...

Main concern for me is that I let this slip through the cracks. It is so easy to get wrapped up in my busy life and the elephant in the room seems to shrink.


This is why finding proof of an actual PA would have kicked me off the fence (which I still think happened last summer between them) but now I realize that his reaction to the PI was enough to call game over. I have been reading up on NPD and am sure this is him. Lack of empathy, lying liar, blame shifting and rage... To name a few. The problem is that it sounds like this personality is challenging to leave. So I feel compelled to prepare as much as possible before he knows what is going on.

This is all my plan. Let me be clear... I have done none of it yet. That will be my biggest hurdle... That plunge into no turning back. Not that I desire at all to stay. I am just petrified of the process.



Married 20 years

Posts: 194 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, July 12th (Saturday)

What's your plan right now? What kinds of steps will it take, and how long until you can get to safety?

One thought: you might be careful with your browser. Delete internet history if you need to. He sounds like the type to escalate; the most important thing is you and your kids getting to safety.

Please tell us how we can help. ((((((hugs)))))))


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3905 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
WarehouseGuy
Member
Member # 6037
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, July 12th (Saturday)

You might also consider having the mods delete the word "Nashville" from the title of this thread. Just a thought.


whg


If you see your ex with someone else--don't be jealous. Our parents taught us to give our old,used toys to the less fortunate.

Posts: 5291 | Registered: Dec 2004 | From: Michigan
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, July 12th (Saturday)

Sweetie,

Call your local domestic violence shelter, start with getting their advice. They know all about situations like yours. Let them advise you on the best way to proceed.

Please make a promise to yourself and your children if he hits again you'll call the police and have him arrested. You are teaching your kids that it's normal for things to be this bad in a marriage. Please make the call.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5062 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, July 12th (Saturday)

Call your local domestic violence shelter, start with getting their advice. They know all about situations like yours. Let them advise you on the best way to proceed.

^ What Kajem said.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3905 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
SisterMilkshake
Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, July 12th (Saturday)

^^^^ I have suggested this a couple of times, too. ^^^^^^^ I can't reiterate enough how helpful a DV shelter can be whilst you are going through this transition. They have BTDT and truly know the best and safest way to do this, TS. This is their purpose. Doesn't mean you have to go to the shelter. They help all abused women, not just ones that need their shelter. Some even have support groups you can go to if you want.

If he is indeed NPD, (sounds like he does at least have some traits), you have been at least psychologically abused for years without even realizing it.

I can imagine how very difficult this must be for you, TS. Overwhelming and scary. I know that is exactly how I would feel. Just look at the process as little steps. Take it one step at a time. You can do it. Many here have done it. Come here often to get the support you need. Also, you might want to check out the Divorce/Separation forum. Great people with a lot of wisdom to share. (((TS68)))


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9635 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, July 12th (Saturday)

I am a survivor of domestic violence. I understand doing what you have to do in order to get through it, get past it, make plans. It took me many years to wake up and realize that yes, this was domestic violence, and yes, I needed to end the marriage.

Right now it sounds like you in the calm part of the cycle. There has been a big blow up, and now is the calm where things settle down. He's hoping you've learned your place and won't get uppity again. You're hoping to not do anything that will set him off again. But you know very well that this won't last. Eventually the tension will build up again. The storm will rage again.
http://www.domesticviolence.org/cycle-of-violence/
Incident

◾Any type of abuse occurs (physical/sexual/emotional)

Tension Building

◾Abuser starts to get angry
◾Abuse may begin
◾There is a breakdown of communication
◾Victim feels the need to keep the abuser calm
◾Tension becomes too much
◾Victim feels like they are 'walking on egg shells'

Making-Up

◾Abuser may apologize for abuse
◾Abuser may promise it will never happen again
◾Abuser may blame the victim for causing the abuse
◾Abuser may deny abuse took place or say it was not as bad as the victim claims

Calm

◾Abuser acts like the abuse never happened
◾Physical abuse may not be taking place
◾Promises made during 'making-up' may be met
◾Victim may hope that the abuse is over
◾Abuser may give gifts to victim

I ended up calling the domestic violence groups in my area. It was a surreal experience to do that, let me tell you! I couldn't believe I was making the phone calls. I couldn't believe the words that were coming out of my mouth. I felt embarrassed because my ex didn't hit me. He wasn't physically violent (well, he didn't hit me, he certainly did throw things, hit things, and would rage right into our faces & make us cower in fear). I thought that what I was going through wasn't as bad as stuff I saw on the news. But actually it was, only in a different way. No, he didn't punch me in the face. However, I can still see the look on his face, still hear his voice, still remember the trembling in my gut as I would endure his rage, his insults, his curses.

SO, I did work with the domestic violence people as well as my IC and members of my church and community/neighbors/family. Yes, I went to a meeting and sat there next to the woman who's husband had put her in the hospital again from his fists. Yes, I told people that when it came down to it, I was afraid for my life and the lives of my children. No, he'd never hit us, but yes, we all were afraid of him and certain one day he would. I was certain that one day he would kill us all.

So I worked through this list to prepare:
http://storage.cloversites.com/abuserecoveryministryservices/documents/Separation%20Safety%20Plan.pdf

At times I felt like I was an actor in a bad Lifetime movie. I would sit there and wonder if things were really "that bad". I kept hoping that he would just wake up one day, realize what he was doing to all of us, be sorry, and then we could have the happy family & life together that I truly wanted.

But that wasn't how things worked out.

At the time of separation I still didn't have rock-solid evidence of his cheating. But by that time I didn't need it. There were so many other things wrong with the marriage I didn't need to have photos documenting his various infidelities. I'd finally come to accept that abuse is also a legitimate reason to divorce. I came to accept that my children were already damaged by living in our home with an abusive father & mother who took it. I came to accept that it was against God to remain in that marriage and allow them to be further damaged by their father & his NPD dysfunction, let alone by the incest which I knew was inevitable if I remained passive & didn't take steps to prevent.

http://www.armsonline.org/#/am-i-being-abused

It is embarrassing to admit that you are being abused. That you have tolerated outrageous behavior and did nothing. I have come to forgive myself, though, because I did what I thought I needed to do to survive and to ensure my children's survival. I now can see the errors in my thinking, I understand why I made those poor decision. I am not ashamed anymore, but I do wish I had acted sooner.

Sister, what are you going to do about your situation?


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9636 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Badhurt
Member
Member # 41947
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, July 12th (Saturday)

THERE is no fence

Your husband hit you, kicked you, threatened you with a golf club, and has abused you verbally and emotionally since the incident and probably before.

The above is enough to leave him if you are smart.

The affair or his attempt at it is just icing on the cake because if it is not an affair with hits woman, he wants one with someone.


Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA
TS68
Member
Member # 40211
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, July 13th (Sunday)

Just want to say that all is calm. I know I am doing the right thing by appeasing. He seems to have a short memory. As long as things are in his favor. I promise, anything resembling a threat will be a 911 call. I will not hesitate.

Thank you all for your concern. I obviously know him well and know that not aggravating is the best at this moment, until I get my ducks together.



Married 20 years

Posts: 194 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
silverhopes
Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 4:33 PM, July 16th (Wednesday)

Hi TS68,

Just checking in, how are things? How are you and your kids?


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3905 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
shygirl07
Member
Member # 42972
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, July 16th (Wednesday)

TS68,
Get out of there as soon as you can, judging from the way hes acting, there is something going on. I am not trying to feed you toxic brainwashing , but sweetheart my ex would act weird and say it was nothing when really it was ... they arent GOOD at hiding things but they CAN hide things far enough .. I once found messages that said "get ready for round 2" to some skank , he made up some elaborate story and I believed it AND he got angry at how insecure I was and said it was a turn off...... other stuff came to surface and he never ever defended me ... he never cared or had compassion when I was visibly upset..

judging exactly from his actions, hes not caring that your suffering, he would be begging you to know it isnt anything.. gather yourself , make a plan, and exit, I KNOW its easier said then done but trust it from someoene whos lived it, it will pay off...


me:27
him:30
7 years together
no children

OW was his ex he always convinced was his friend .. moved in her and knocked her up , got together behind my back


Ddays : many in 2009 and 2010
final dday : Sept 2012 after being broken up 3 w


Posts: 73 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: CA
TS68
Member
Member # 40211
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, July 16th (Wednesday)

Shygirl : he said exactly that once... What a turnoff it is that I am so insecure.

Today was my birthday. He got me a Starbucks early in the morning and flowers.

Still wish I could get to the bottom of what is really going on. I hear all of you... Just wish I had more to go on, so he cannot convince everyone I am crazy. After all of this, not one person has come to me confirming anything... No one has warned me or confided any one thing he has done against our marriage. I wanted to blow it out of the water with the PI and failed.



Married 20 years

Posts: 194 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
stronger08
Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 2:31 AM, July 17th (Thursday)

What's going to happen when you finally have solid proof of an A and confront him ? Most likely he is going to kick the living shit out of you if your lucky. Perhaps one day when you really have the goods on him he may even kill you. What's going to happen to your children when that happens ? Your an abused woman. Every statement you make screams of an abused person. From the excuses you make for him to claiming that you know him so well. I'm sorry but an A is the least of your problems with your husband. His abuse and control issues supercede any hint of an A. For your safety and the safety of your children you need to get away from him NOW !!! As a man who has been run over by the false DV bus trust me when I say that the law is on your side. There are many people who will help you, but you need to have the scumbag arrested for hitting you first. This will not get better on its own. In fact its going to get worse. As an RN you know firsthand what needs to be done, you know what DV does to people. I'm sorry if I sound mean, but I have zero tolerance for men who hit women. Your H is a coward who could not stand up to another man. Ergo he hits his W and most likely his kids as well. I suggest you do what needs to be done before its too late for you. I'm going to pray that you find the strength to break away from this abuser. I wish you peace.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5652 | Registered: Nov 2007
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:36 AM, July 17th (Thursday)

Please listen to Stronger. He is one of the good people here who talked sense into me. He helped me get past my denial.

He is right. Everything you're sharing paints a very clear picture of an extremely abusive situation with you as a victim who is still trying to act as if she isn't. Like you, my ex-husband's cheating was secondary to his abuse. You need to consider that it isn't safe for you and your children to remain in the marriage until you have your theoretical ducks in a row. You might not have the luxury of that kind of time.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9636 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
TS68
Member
Member # 40211
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, July 17th (Thursday)

I am listening. Believe me.

Yesterday was my birthday. He bought me flowers and went to Starbucks early in the morning for me.

But he is still a fucking liar. I expressed discomfort in him going to the office this morning knowing it would only be the two of them. He came unglued.

So defensive. Maybe I have made more out of nothing. But he is so nasty when he is mad.

I am listening... Please keep the support. And strength. Feel like I am up against an army and it I am just one.



Married 20 years

Posts: 194 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
stronger08
Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, July 17th (Thursday)

I really think you need to see a crisis counselor ASAP. His abuse is the biggest hurdle you have right now. Its very apparent you are afraid of him. Stop walking on eggshells around him and have his coward ass thrown in jail for hitting you. No one deserves to be physically abused. No one and that includes you too. Please speak to someone about this. You need to have a support system in place IRL. We are here for cyber support but there is not more we can do. I'd love to kick his ass myself, but this laptop is not interactive. Please put and end to his abuse before his abuse puts an end to you.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5652 | Registered: Nov 2007
TS68
Member
Member # 40211
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, July 17th (Thursday)

Stronger: I know you are right... But jail? It was a lot of "fucking bitch". Which I have heard a decent amt of times in 20 years. I will try to call the number my hospital has for employees for help.
I know I am not a fb or a c. Never saw it as abuse really until now.

So appreciate you staying on me.



Married 20 years

Posts: 194 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
cantgetup
Member
Member # 36146
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, July 17th (Thursday)

You don't need to get to the bottom of "it". You do not need that smoking gun from the PI or any other smoking gun. As a matter of fact, you are probably better off without it. You have all you need. and you have it without an doubts. You just need to muster that strength. I can't imagine how hard that part is. It's so final compared to hanging on to that last hope that what is going on isn't going on. I know knowing what to do is a lot easier than doing it. Having a plan helps. Refocus yourself off if him and what he may not may not be doing and whether he is or is not being abusive. Quietly get your ducks in a row. Divorce him in your mind and if that helps keep things safe and stable at home, then you have time to implement a good plan and take your steps to leave or have him leave. Good luck and take care.

Posts: 314 | Registered: Jul 2012
Shero
Member
Member # 44041
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday)

How are you ((TS68))? Happy belated birthday

You know your husband better than anyone else on this thread, that is a given. What I am reading of their concern rings true, though. Do not let it (his horrible defense mechanisms) escalate, but have your escape plan on the front burner.

Much support for you from Cali. ((TS68))


Posts: 68 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: California
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday)

His anger comes out of gaslighting. It's how he makes you doubt yourself. How he maintains the power, by keeping you unbalanced and questioning yourself, feeling wrong. He gets to act like a persecuted victim while victimizing you--pretty neat trick, huh?

Wishing you a year of walking out of the fog and into the light.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4140 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
TrulyReconciled
Member
Member # 3031
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, July 24th (Thursday)

I'm sorry you find yourself in an abusive relationship. Any time that someone acts this way toward you, you are in danger.

Please be careful, tell an attorney and be safe!


"In a time of deceit, telling the Truth is a revolutionary act."

Posts: 21096 | Registered: Dec 2003 | From: Hell and back, way back :o)
Topic Posts: 62