SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: A little common sense would go along way
JustOneMoreDay
Member
Member # 42945
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

I am so frustrated with WS tonight.

One of the OW is his sister's long time best friend. For the record, after his sister found about him cheating with her best friend and after WS apologized to her for getting her involved, she stated that he had nothing to apologize for and it was not his fault. She is not exactly a friend of the marriage. Anyway... Last night, WS received an inappropriate text from a male friend who also happens to be the best friend of my brother in law(sister's h). The text was sexual. Total red flag to me because WS had a threesome with another friend and the first ow). Trigger, trigger, trigger. It turns out(I think) that it was a text sent to the wrong person. WS said something like "great. Now my wife is mad at me" and it turned out that the guy knew why because BIL had shared the story with him. I was pissed because we had asked that sister and BIL not sure info with anyone. I asked WS to confront his sister.

She calls tonight and he immediately takes the phone outside out of earshot. Says he talked to her about it. I don't believe him and I wish he would stop sharing anything with her given she is best friends with the ow. I think he should have had the conversation in front of me. I'm angry and hurt.

Thoughts?

How should he have handled it?


Me -BS 39
Him-WS 38
Dday #1 February 14, 2003 EA(not a typo. He did it AGAIN eleven years later)
Dday #2 March 17, 2014 LT PA
Dday #3 June 29, 2014(found evidence something had gone on with his sister's best friend)
Dying Inside and in limbo

Posts: 125 | Registered: Mar 2014
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

She calls tonight and he immediately takes the phone outside out of earshot.
Thoughts?

Lock the door behind him!!

Really? You definitely should have been included in the call.

I don't believe him

Nor should you. He isn't anywhere near trust.

Have you ever tried the 180? Get strong, let him come to you. Has he proven that he is worthy of you yet?

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2995 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
FixYou71
Member
Member # 42654
Default  Posted: 11:45 PM, July 10th (Thursday)

Thoughts? He needs to man up.
Taking the phone call out of earshot...so disrespectful.
You needed to hear him confront her.

A possible semi-solution: have him compile an email to his sister itemising the issues and send it in your presence.
(Dear sister, To reiterate our telephone discussion.....and to make sure you understand ...etc.) (of course no matter what he says neither of you can control her but this is for your benefit and a chance for him to show you his willingness to stick up for your needs)

He needs to learn that part of his role in R is not avoiding issues that need to be dealt with: doing the hard stuff because it's the right thing to do. Right for your healing and right for the M. It's all about strong boundaries and protecting them. He should be the first one walking over hot coals to protect those boundaries. He should be the first one to be offended by others who are not 'marriage friendly' and the first one to lay down the law and/or separate from them.

Perhaps you should ask him to do some reading on these subjects. It's a learning process for him too.

Your marriage and your R should ALWAYS come first.


BS: 43
H: 49
Dday #1 Oct 2007 (Porn for 2 yrs)
Dday #2 May 2013 (Porn for 5 more yrs))
Dday#3 May 2014 (finally admitted to drunk kissing OW in 1994: the 2nd drunken kiss with another woman during our M)
DD 21 and DS 17
Married 1993

Posts: 451 | Registered: Mar 2014
Topic Posts: 3