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User Topic: Do you fantasize about a re-do of first finding out about the A?
HobbesTheTiger
Member
Member # 41477
Default  Posted: 2:29 AM, July 12th (Saturday)

*Disclaimer: My exWGF left me several years ago, but I suppressed my anger, hurt, ..., over the betrayal, and have only recently started to address it.

I apologise if the "General" forum is not the right place for this, I'm not sure where else to put it.

///

For a long time, I've been indulging in fantasizing how I wish I would have reacted when she first told me about her cheating.

I feel like a chump/idiot/... for staying with her for more than a year after being told, trying to salvage things/reconcile etc., only to in the end be dumped for the same guy she cheated on me with in the first place.

So I've been fantasizing about what I wish I would have done if I had a chance at a re-do:)

My current fantasy is to ask her only: "Was it consensual, were you forced, drugged or in a drunken stupr in any way?", and when the answer would be "It was consensual", I'd simply pack my things without a single word, leave her house and utterly ignore her for the rest of my life, while she'd try in vain to get me to talk to her, approach me at our University etc.

So... What fantasies do you have about how you would have reacted if you had a chance at a re-do?:)

Thank you all for your time and responses, and good luck to all of you!


BxBf, 26
Lots of FOO&other issues, working it through therapy
Legal profession

Posts: 348 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Continental Europe
saturnpatrick
Member
Member # 35989
Default  Posted: 2:44 AM, July 12th (Saturday)

We are in R, but I still think about how I wish I would have reacted.

I wish I knew then what I know now.

I wish I hadn't been so convinced it was my fault and that I was some kind of failure. I wish I hadn't been so desperate. I tried so damn hard to nice her back. I focused on all my perceived flaws and figured that anything that was good about me just obviously didn't matter or wasn't good enough, if it was then the A wouldn't have happened. I lost so much sleep. I hated myself.

It took me a while (it seemed like a long time to me anyway, was probably about 1 month after dday) - and the help of the folks at SI - before I started standing up for myself and really making clear what my terms for the continuation of our M was.

I've made a lot of changes in my life over the past couple of years. I've become super outgoing. I've been building an ever increasing circle of friends. I've got buddies that I know would let me crash at their house indefinitely if needed. I've resumed some old hobbies and joined some organizations that utilize my talents, which help boost my self esteem.

My motivation hasn't really been for improvement. If an A happens again, I need to be ready and capable to just walk away. I cannot go through this a second time. It's like I'm perpetually training for a war that might never happen.


BH
I typo therefore I edit.

Posts: 198 | Registered: Jun 2012
Lovedyoumore
Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 2:46 AM, July 12th (Saturday)

Yes. I would have let it play out a little longer and caught them in the act. I had the resources and info, if I had only looked and used it. I think it would have saved me a lot of TT and the OW might not have been so high and mighty. It would have been great to humiliate her by catching them in mid air, so to speak. She was allowed to walk away with dignity and she has proven to be ungrateful and belligerent about her part in the A. She has expressed no regrets and feels nothing wrong.
My H could have used the rattle, also.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1585 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 4:09 AM, July 12th (Saturday)

Omgosh yes!! I would love a do over. I wish I had been a hard ass and not so damn forgiving. I feel like a chump as well. Such a wuss I was. I was tough for about 12 hours that's just because I was so pissed, then I tried to be the bestest wife in the world so he could see what he had at home and would never stray again. Geez what an idiot. Still mad at myself.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5242 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
OakStreet
Member
Member # 41193
Default  Posted: 4:13 AM, July 12th (Saturday)

OH YEAH!

My "re-do" list:

Find SI forum and reading materials when I merely suspected there was an A going on, so I would be properly "armed" when I had proof.

Kicked his ass out after Dday 1, in the hopes he would have come out of the fog earlier.

Wish I had been more assertive and not believed he was telling me the truth, so I would not have experienced Dday 2.

Wish I had taken the opportunity to publicly humiliate the COW.



Me: 58
Him: 65
Married: 21 years (well, we'll say 19 now!).
One son: 19, 2 adult stepdaughters
DDay: Oct. 14, 2013
18 month EA/PA with COW
Dday #2: 4/16/14 - took it underground for 5 months.
Haven't decided on outcome.

Posts: 526 | Registered: Nov 2013
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 6:24 AM, July 12th (Saturday)

If I had it to re-do, I would have just left sooner than I did.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1904 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Zayda1
Member
Member # 35387
Default  Posted: 6:33 AM, July 12th (Saturday)

I would have done things sooooo much different.

I would have kicked him out on Dday. I want him to really "feel" the pain he caused. I want him to understand just how badly he messed up. I would want him to face his family/friends knowing they know he caused this, knowing they know the kind of man he had become.

Obviously I still have some anger towards him. Two years out and I'm still in therapy and he's considered "cured" by every therapist he has ever spoken to. I'm the broken one now, too sad to move on with my life.


Married 9 years, together for 11 years
2 children (7 years & 4 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12 (It only lasted a "couple of weeks" but it still shattered my world.)

Posts: 468 | Registered: Apr 2012
Flatlined123
Member
Member # 35862
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, July 12th (Saturday)

Considering dday was 6 years ago yesterday.....
I wish I would have not been so scared and just told him to leave. I wish I would have realized it was not my fault. I wish I would have outed him to his parents.

Mostly, I wish I'd have just told him to leave and made a new life for the kids and myself. Maybe he would have gotten his act together sooner.

As I always say "Shit in one hand and wish in the other, see which gets fuller faster"


Me: BS 43
H : WS 46
DD #1 7-11-08
DD#2 8-21-09 same OW, A never ended.
Started R in 12-09
"If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be able to bench press a Buick."

Posts: 692 | Registered: Jun 2012
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, July 12th (Saturday)

DDay1 - no, I was already a member here and knew exactly what to do.
DDay2 - still reeling from DDay 1 I couldn't do what I needed to do and kick him out. So, I'd like a do-over on that.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5529 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
ChangeMaker
Member
Member # 43899
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, July 12th (Saturday)

I did pretty good, but I wish I hadn't cried in front of her.


"Everything works if you let it." - Travis W. Redfish

DDay - June 7, 2014
Me - 43
WW - 41
DD - 6 and 3
Pulling the Plug


Posts: 397 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Ontario
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, July 12th (Saturday)

I don't do it much anymore, but I used to, believe me. I wish I had gone into stealth mode and slowly but surely dismantled our marriage behind his back. I would've lawyered up immediately, opened my own bank account, printed out all of the evidence I had of his A, etc. Instead (this is before I knew about SI), I reacted emotionally-- I immediately confronted him, gave him time to cover his tracks, and probably let him get away with more than he should have. I also would have kicked him out right away and told him to go live with the OW until I could move out instead of enduring in-house separation for eight months.

But, I also know that I could have behaved much worse, and I found SI early enough that I did not sabotage my own health and sanity any further. I also don't think much about it anymore at this point, and you won't either once more time has passed.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3644 | Registered: Oct 2011
TimeToGo2014
Member
Member # 43909
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, July 12th (Saturday)

Oh yes. Last year when I found the email from the OW to my WBF about him pursuing a relationship with her, I blew up quickly. I had enough suspicion prior and the email is really all the proof I needed to seal the fate of our relationship. I let him convince me it was totally innocent. Ugh.

The whole last year has been a mental hell for me, feeling shameful for not being stronger and leaving the very second I read the email.


Posts: 118 | Registered: Jun 2014
FightingBack
Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, July 12th (Saturday)

Yes, I think about it often. I play different scenarios in my mind.

Mostly, I wish I had packed his bags and dumped them in her driveway.

But I was glad that I confronted her in the office the day after dday and told her to resign. That was the best thing I did. Otherwise, she would probably still be there. I do wish though that I had stayed long enough to see her pack up her things and leave. The few days that followed, before she actually left, were hell.


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 809 | Registered: Feb 2012
Montreal
Member
Member # 40627
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, July 12th (Saturday)

Funny, I've been thinking about that very question a lot this week. I'm in the middle of "discovery" time so I've been re-hashing those awful few weeks a lot lately. My biggest regret is letting her talk me back into coming home after the final(?) bit of TT hit a couple of weeks after DDay. I had stormed out, told her it was over, and then weakly let her talk me back into coming home. Didnt even spend one night away. I wish I had of stayed away for a little while. Those few hours where she really felt like she had lost me was the only time in like the first eight months where I really had control of the process and she was out of, if only temporarily, the fog. She swore NC, promised anything, wept, begged me to come back. I should have let her stew on that for a couple of days to permanently knock her off the fence and restore a little pride in my manhood. Instead, I gave in, thinking I had won, only to see more contact, more fogginess, more crap. I really think that if I had found the strength that night we would be MUCH further along in this process than we are, either divorced or firmly in R. Alas...


DDay: July 6, 2013
Trying.

Posts: 95 | Registered: Sep 2013
tearingaway
Member
Member # 28618
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, July 12th (Saturday)

I would love to be able to take a mulligan.

Of course, I would probably be divorced instead of staying.


Posts: 357 | Registered: May 2010
MakingMyFuture
Member
Member # 43530
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, July 12th (Saturday)

Oh, I wanna play this game!

Before confronting WH, I would have installed keylogger software on the computers so that when he lied and said the email account he had sent it to was hers and he didn't have access, I would have known that was B.S and actually the one he had set up for himself to contact her separate secret account. Then I would have had an opportunity to see everything in the account before he wiped it out.

I would not have told him I had voicemails of OW and that I was going to contact OWs BH. That resulted in 1 week of more lies, cover ups as they tried to find/destroy the evidence.

I would have used Wondershare to dump deleted texts/photos from his phone immediately instead of learning about it 1 year later (still got some interesting old stuff though).

I week after Dday, when I found out he was contacting her, about the email account, and that he was trying to delete evidence, I would have kicked him out then and made him work his ass off to R.

[This message edited by MakingMyFuture at 1:57 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]


When people show you who they really are, believe them - Maya Angelou

DDay 1 - 1/13, False Recovery Discovered more + Broken NC so DDay2= 7/14

9/9/14: filed for divorce

BW: 42 (me)
WH: 40 (him)
DD-10, DS-8


Posts: 109 | Registered: May 2014
totalheartbreak
Member
Member # 41589
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, July 12th (Saturday)

Yes. Constantly.


Me: BH (30s)
Wayflost: WW (30s)
"Ever notice those that advocate anything for 'happiness' are perennially unhappy?"
time isn't what you think it is.

Posts: 167 | Registered: Dec 2013
WaryOptimist
Member
Member # 19911
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, July 12th (Saturday)

I'd be embarrassed to say this anywhere else after 8 years, but yes, it's a go to fantasy of mine still.

Immediately after confrontation I would have grabbed as much of his crap as I could, hefty it, jam it in his truck, and tell him that he had to leave THAT MINUTE, that I couldn't look at him any longer. Careful not to tell him to go to her, just to leave.

Then start the dismantling, canceling credit cards as he drove cross country (bwah-ah-ah), new bank account, and go full press NC.

When I got the "I want to try to work on our M" (notice the "try to" ), I would have said don't bother; you've got the life and the person you felt was worth imploding our M for -- stay there and enjoy.

Yes, we're together, still doing MC, more good times than bad, but I'd like to think that if I hadn't been such a f&%#ing doormat doing the famous Pick Me dance, my self esteem, my self respect and my residual anger would be far less of an issue now.


Me: The faithful one
Him: WS
4 great kids
Married 28 years, together 36
D-Day: April 1, 2006 (yep, April Fool's Day...)
Aaaaaas Yoooouuu Wiiiiiish...

Posts: 650 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Here & There
Love25
New Member
Member # 44000
Default  Posted: 2:36 PM, July 12th (Saturday)

Yes, I would have left and never looked back! Still might happen, just got to settle a few things before leaving .

Posts: 26 | Registered: Jul 2014
SpecialK
Member
Member # 42372
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, July 12th (Saturday)

Hell Yeah!!!! I wish I hadn't naively blown off the calls telling me he was cheating! I wish I would have had a face to face with the ghetto ho and her baby daddy who was in on the whole sordid mess. I would have loved watching them squirm when I presented them with the "real" truth about her and her trashy family. Exposing her in a letter just didn't satisfy me....


Posts: 364 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Florida
jendo
Member
Member # 43059
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, July 12th (Saturday)

I wish I had the knowledge I have now when I found out about the Affair. I confronted moments after I found text message. I didn't even have any clue what it might mean. I just freaked out and confronted. I now wish that I would have taken a few days and watched. Found out a little more before confronting. Maybe read some of the messages between them to help me understand and get rid of my curiosity. Would it change anything? Well, honestly, it probably would have hurt more so it is probably a good thing it happened as it did, but I will always question since I never really SAW evidence of the affair other than one text.

Posts: 261 | Registered: Apr 2014
Vulcanized
Member
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, July 12th (Saturday)

I wish I'd of called OW from XH's phone & let her know that she won, he was on the way.

Then, when I'd confront XH, let him know OW was expecting him and from that point forward, he was no longer welcome in my house.

The next day, I wish I'd of filed for D and had him served at work, in front of our friends & OW.

Wish I'd of gotten a screen shot of the gang-bang porn I found on his computer. The woman looked alot like OW; it may have been, still unsure. Had it been, I would have made sure that EVERYBODY that knows her would have their own copy.

I kick myself that I wasted 4 years waiting for this fucktard to stop being such a fucktard. Talk about fog ...


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 773 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
RightTrack
Member
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, July 12th (Saturday)

I stumbled upon her desperate email to his work account (he accidentally left it open at home). She was begging to get back together. I was in total shock and wrote her back some nasty gram about how she could have the worthless POS that used to be my husband. Signed it, sent it.

Like someone else said, I wish I would have waited and watched instead of going full force. I wonder how he would have responded to that?

I would have LOVED to catch him in the act. I imagine me and the kids knocking on the hotel door.

He was claiming to go away for "work weekends", it would have been fun to have an emergency come up while he was gone and have to have his work track him down.

I would have downloaded and saved all the photos and texts and emails to send to her BS, her mother, her father, etc. Yes, WH's emails could go out there too.


Posts: 643 | Registered: Sep 2012
redsox13
Member
Member # 43391
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, July 12th (Saturday)

Yes. I had many d-days.

In my re-enactment of several of them I simply walk out and never go back. I realize this would have probably been the cleanest and best solution for everyone.

But I was convinced it was my fault - something I didn't do that I should have. So I tried to fix it - and we are still together.


BS - 45
WW - 43
In R for 5 years, still hurting but finally letting go

Posts: 305 | Registered: May 2014 | From: nh
TheGarden
Member
Member # 40788
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, July 12th (Saturday)

I have a few regrets, but the biggest by far is how we handled NC. I had the smarts to intuitively insist on NC right away, but I hadn't yet found SI and we didn't know how to do it.

He went over there in person to "break up" with them and say goodbye. I still don't know exactly what was said in the conversation, but the end result was that I got totally thrown under the bus by all three of them and was blamed and abused for "ruining his life", right at the most injured, vulnerable moment of my life. Some incredibly bad things happened as a direct result of that conversation, things that continue to undermine our reconciliation and hinder my healing a year out. The horrible way he did NC and the aftermath did almost as much damage to the marriage and to me psychologically as his affair did.

If I had to do it all again, I really would have liked to have found SI right away and learned how to do NC properly, with a factual, to-the-point letter.

[This message edited by TheGarden at 6:45 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]


Me: BW, 39, Him: WH, 43; married 9 years, together 13 years
DDay:July 2013; EA progressing to a PA
APs: ex-"friend" & her enabling polyamorous husband
Status: Dual-income-no-kids, 2 cats, taking it day-by-day, married till we're not

Posts: 61 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Florida
WearingTheHorns
Member
Member # 37916
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, July 12th (Saturday)

I wish I hadn't confronted as soon as I did, but that I had done more digging first. I found all the emails between her and both AP's when I confronted her so I thought I had everything there was to find. However, a few months later I had reason to suspect a third A, but no way to check emails as she'd completely purged her email account the day after dday. All I have now is my suspicion and the flimsiest of evidence with the exception of an email address for the suspected third AP for a site called sexiass.com


Dday: over a period of three days 11/14-16/2012.
EA/PA: ~ 2 1/2 years
EA/beginning PA: ~ 10 months

"What God has joined together, let man... no man put asunder" -Pastor at our wedding concluding the ceremony

2 Cor 12:9-10


Posts: 294 | Registered: Dec 2012
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 12:57 AM, July 13th (Sunday)

Oh yes!

Let's see. Not being the one to make the CC appointment.

Not deleting his gmail account off of my ipad.

Not picking up when he called me about our dead cat and then going over.

Not ignoring the signs he was still lying and cheating.

Not therefore having a month of insomnia and pain and anguish. Well, more than a month of anguish. But a month of insomnia.

But really....I wasn't ready to let go. The false R let me really see who he was. It was my trying to reconcile what I believed about him with what was true. It was just not in me to walk away from the love I thought we had. And I'm pretty okay with that, you know? It was true to me. I only lost two and a half months though, which surely colors my ability to be accepting of my choices.

In the end, what's past is past.

ETA: ok but I REALLY wish I had outed his relationship status ASAP to the woman he cheated on me with, who had no idea he lived with a GF! The scorched earth policy would have been the best despite what I said above

[This message edited by norabird at 1:00 AM, July 13th (Sunday)]


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
juggernaughtie
New Member
Member # 43763
Default  Posted: 6:07 AM, July 13th (Sunday)

@SaturnPatrick

If an A happens again, I need to be ready and capable to just walk away. I cannot go through this a second time. It's like I'm perpetually training for a war that might never happen.

I've been feeling this for awhile but couldn't really put it into words.

This summed it up perfectly. Thank you.


We are all different, but we all want the same things.

Posts: 4 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Charleston SC
struggling16
Member
Member # 33202
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, July 13th (Sunday)

Although we appear to be in R for the past 3 1/2 years, I wish that I had D the man years ago when it was obvious that he was addicted to porn and visiting strip clubs.

I was so naive, needy and pathetic that I conditioned myself to willful blindness when the clues of his infidelity were staring me in the face. I should have quietly collected plenty of evidence and ended the M (it appears that I am unable to be secretive). Eliminating him and his dysfunctions from my life would have been the healthiest action I could have taken.

I love my WH but nothing is worth the years of torment.


Posts: 729 | Registered: Aug 2011
YooperLady
New Member
Member # 43705
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, July 13th (Sunday)

All the time!! It's one of the biggest struggles I have. All the hints were right in front of me and I chose to trust instead. Ugh!! Now I could kick myself. I fantasize about confronting him (or them) back in those early days. I would LOVE a redo!


D Day June 2014
Me 59
fWH 67
Married 6 years

Posts: 35 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
Jls0320
Member
Member # 41192
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, July 13th (Sunday)

There are tons I would change. I wish I hadn't confronted him so soon when I found phone records of his EA, wish I'd let them carry on a bit longer without him knowing so I could be reading their texts and now how deep he was, now I will never know. Wish id been stronger when I confronted her, wish I hadn't let him walk all over me for almost 5 mos until finally separating, now wish I could get the balls to toss his lazy ass out again


Me: 33 BS 2 boys (2yr & 5yr)
Him: 33 WH, sex addict, then 12 mos EA/2 mos PA with co-worker whore
Together 15yrs, married 7yrs
Dday 9/17/2013, more discovered 1/26/14
NC broken 7/28/14- pathetic piece of crap PA began.
Separated, R during divor

Posts: 507 | Registered: Nov 2013
TheIrishGirl
Member
Member # 43496
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, July 13th (Sunday)

I wish I had searched the emails for important words rather than read them to see WTF he had been writing. Or in addition to. And had him let me change the password so that he would have no access but I would. Then I'd have emailed them all to explain that their email f*ck buddy was in fact married with two children- one born just three weeks ago. Then I would have built my own timeline from the content. And searched on so many words- single, married, wife, love, hometown names, phone numbers, meet, see, video, baby, kids names, my name, employer names... Guess I'll never know for sure.


Me: 31, BW Him: 38, WH
2 children (ours) 7/11 & 3/14
D-day 4/18/14 I saw his 'other' email

Posts: 715 | Registered: May 2014
amanda123
Member
Member # 43207
Default  Posted: 2:47 AM, July 14th (Monday)

I think I still have nighmares about Dday they pan out so many different ways. In hindsight I think we would all do things differently. For me I should have pulled the breaks on the friendship when it started to become too friendly. I should have paid more attention to the phone bills when they came in, I did fish one out of the recycling bin because I thought he got rid of it a little too hastily, there were at least a dozen calls on there to her, she lived in another state then and she was married, I was so naive I still believed it to be nothing more then friends, she was my friend as well. I never liked the idea of him having passwords to his email accounts that I didnt have but he said that was the way they were set up. Computer illiterateidiot here. I did want to get some spy devices but where I live there is nothing available. I wanted to get a nannycam and set one up in his office, actually still want to do that one, I sympathise with you TheGarden, sounds a little similar to my story. I did tell him NC he wrote the final email and sent it to her, I told him i wanted to read it, but of course he had no intention of letting me do that, he deleted it as soon as he sent it. He is a computer whiz there is no way I could catch him out

Posts: 292 | Registered: Apr 2014
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, July 14th (Monday)

I'm pretty happy with how things went down on DD. He returned from London (where DD A happened) that morning and we spent the day together with the girls. Him his usual moody self, me my usual walking on eggshells self.

When the girls went to bed he wanted to talk to me about going back to London for a reunion in 8m time - a nice trip for both of us. I said: "I'm not sure we'll still be married by October. Come outside, I need to talk to you."

I begged him for an hour to confess. He denied and called me crazy. He acted angry, hurt, confused - but I knew. I was crying and yelling and begging. He kept denying - shouting over me. Then 'we just held hands', more pleading, ''we just kissed', 'I went to her room but nothing happened - 'I just gave her a back massage with her clothes on!'

I was chanting at this point and pleading on my knees with my hands together - bawling, hysterical: "PLEASE - if you ever had any kind of love for me - PLEASE SET ME FREE! I beg you. Please don't let me think I'm crazy. I know you're lying. Please, I beg you."

He fell to his knees with his hand over his mouth and in a voice I had never heard him use he said, simply: 'I slept with her. Oh my god. What have I done.'

I stopped chanting and started screaming this guttural sound. I think I called him some pretty nasty things then I said:

"You don't know it yet but you've just made the biggest mistake of your life. And I don't know it yet but you've just done me the biggest favour of my life."

I calmly told him we were over. I wasn't going to go crazy or fuck him over or keep the kids away from him or any of that. I was going to make this as easy as possible for him. He was bawling. I was as calm and as quiet as black ice. 'We are done. I need you to understand this. I am no longer your wife and you are no longer my husband. I have no claim to you nor you to me.'

Then I walked out and fell over on the street in front of my house. I fell over and threw up all down the street until I found a bench to sit on.

All of that I am very happy with. I didn't lose myself even when I was broken in half.

Until...

I wish I hadn't self destructed and gone on a rampage immediately after DD by sleeping with as many men as I could. It was an act of self harm - I wanted to hurt myself for a change. That, and some epic hoovering and suicide talk on his part, is how I found myself in False R 8w later - only for 3m thank fuck. I regret attempting R because this was absolutely a dealbreaker for me. That he lacked any real remorse just made that decision less difficult to accept. Less difficult - still agonising.

At Final S (5 mins past midnight on the 8th wedding anniversary) we were having an argument that was escalating so I went to leave the house for a little while to diffuse the situation. As I was walking out he grabbed my arm roughly and said 'If you walk out that door we are DONE. You hear me? DONE.'

I said: 'You promise?', shook his hand off my arm and walked out into the rain. It was the biggest and most agonising relief of my life. I felt cut in half but also unburdened. I can still feel it now just thinking about it - Strong But Broken.

[This message edited by SBB at 8:43 AM, July 14th (Monday)]


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5660 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
inmisery1
Member
Member # 30905
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, July 14th (Monday)

I wish my circumstances were different so I had the luxury of just loading my pets in the car and leaving. Dday1 we were living overseas and had rented out our home in the us, so no where for me to go. Dday2 we were days from closing on a property and we had 1 car so again no where for me to go. Dday1, I found out because he forgot to close skype when he left to take a phone call from his gf. It would have been great to just stop taking his phone calls and disappear. Dday2, I overheard him in his man cave trying to talk his new gf into coming and staying in our house for a week while I went to see my kids. It would have been nice to simply pack up my pets and leave and let my attorney explain my absence. I have instead chosen to plan an exit strategy, get my finances in order, have a conversation with a good divorce attorney and prepare myself mentally and physically for the very sad ending of a relationship that lasted nearly 3 decades.

Posts: 238 | Registered: Jan 2011
tryinginmi
Member
Member # 29358
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, July 14th (Monday)

I wish I would have left right then and there.

I wish i would have found someone to help me recover the old texts off the phones ( this still haunts me. I never even thought to look at his phone on dd #1. He.bought a new phone mid A so I still have the original phone sitting here that has not been used since. Everything should still be there.)

I wish I would have damaged his car in some way.


Me - BW 40
Him - FWH 39
Her - MOW 47 Fat Assed Toothless Man Faced Whore!!!

DD#1 July 28, 2010 Admitted to EA. A went underground.
DD#2 August 19,2010 Admitted PA


Posts: 1007 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Michigan
Bigger
Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, July 14th (Monday)

If I were to walk into that apartment again and hear the noise of them having sex… The only thing I would do differently is get the shirt I came back home to get, pick up my laundries and some extra clothes and sneak out allowing OM to finish. After all – why waste a good hard-on. I had all the info I needed to move on.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5567 | Registered: Sep 2005
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, July 14th (Monday)

OH GOD YEAH. Almost daily.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1417 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 38