User Topic: Care to Share what you Did Right?
Member # 43530
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, July 12th (Saturday)

In honor of the 'if you could do Dday over' thread...thought I would pose the opposite.

What did you do RIGHT on Dday or After?

I made it clear I had evidence and insisted on a divorce if he wouldn't talk to me/continued denying- without telling him what evidence I had-- so he ended admitting more than I knew

I insisted on IC/MC.

I read, "I love you but I don't trust you", and "Should I stay or Should I go"

I installed keylogger software which gave me passwords for everything (email, facebook, online cell phone bill)

I gathered evidence and provided it to the APs BW

I went on a personal trip and reconnected with various friends

I changed to a less stressful job that has me home more often

I confronted him with evidence whenever I found it and forced TT until I knew I knew absolutely as much as possible.

I wrote an untraceable email to AP w/CC to APs BH explaining the additional photos/videos I had and explaining what I would do with them if there was any more contact

I made sure we spent some time together where we were NOT talking about what had happened, and trying to build new memories.

As an AA member, I never took a drink (just in case--because the last thing I was going to do, was give him ammunition for getting custody!)

When people show you who they really are, believe them - Maya Angelou

DDay 1 - 1/13, False Recovery Discovered more + Broken NC so DDay2= 7/14

9/9/14: filed for divorce

BW: 42 (me)
WH: 40 (him)
DD-10, DS-8

Posts: 109 | Registered: May 2014
Member # 43986
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, July 12th (Saturday)

I am kind of disappointed there aren't more responses to this thread. I was hoping to read some. Honestly, I am in a angry funk right now. So thinking of what I did right just isn't coming to mind. But hope some SI members will contribute to this thread. It might kick me out of this anger towards what WH And OW tried to do to me before & after Dday. The selfish scum sucking dogs.

Me BS 58yo, Him WS 55yo, sex addict
DD#1 1/28/14 co-worker#1 1991
DD#2 2/8/14 co-worker#2 9/13 - 4/14,moved in with OW 3/9/14,moved out from OW 4/8/14
DD#3 4/10/14 22+ anonymous sex OW
Full disclosure 7/30/14 30+ sex parteners

Posts: 172 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: colorado
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, July 12th (Saturday)

Weekends are notoriously slow in online forums, with summer weekends even more slow.

What I did right was:

* get myself into IC right away, going 2x a week. I needed to figure myself out, I needed to make myself a priority.

* went into intense detective mode immediately and DID NOT SHARE WITH HIM EVERYTHING I WAS FINDING.

* met with a divorce attorney for a consultation. I did not hire him, I just needed information. I also told my then-husband that I met with a divorce attorney. This scared the shit out of him because he realized I was not going to tolerate his shitty behavior any longer.

* began sharing what was happening with family & neighbors. Until that point I had become fully isolated from basically the entire world aside from my children. It was classic abuse isolation. I was determined not to be alone any longer.

* accepted that the way I'd been trying to handle things previously didn't work, that I needed to change my actions, and I was willing to do whatever was necessary to effect a different outcome.

Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!

Posts: 10026 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, July 12th (Saturday)

What I did right:

* Told him to go NC w/OW on DD. Off course, he said he would, but didn't ... so

* Right back to the psychiatrist (prior lifelong depression issues)

* Starting detaching w/in 10 days or so

* Physically left him w/in 2 weeks

* Refused to take the blame for his A

* Quit drinking

* Calming kept pointing out that the S/D was due to his A and no other reason

Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 773 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
Member # 39334
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, July 12th (Saturday)

What I did right was filing after DDay 2. Pretty much everything before that goes in the other thread.

DDays - 1/26/2013 | 3/23/14
Divorced 7/10/2014

Posts: 84 | Registered: May 2013 | From: TX
Member # 42607
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, July 12th (Saturday)

I demanded nc immediately. That day. My pride couldn't have taken anything else that day.
IC for him immediately, MC shortly after.
Detaching from him early on scared him of the fence.
Reading Not Just Friends.
Telling my friends for support.
Not telling people that couldn't support my recovery.
Reading SI.
Taking a better paying job let my h know that I was serious about going it alone if he didn't do his part. It also raised my own self confidence.

Married 30 yrs.
dd1 9/10/2011 ea/pa
DD2 3/25/2013 same ow, never stopped email and phone contact.
Putting the past behind us and moving forward together

Posts: 371 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: tl502
Member # 42372
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, July 12th (Saturday)

I told him to vacate the premises and go live with his ghettolishus tramp and her baby daddy
I pulled out ALL the money
I cancelled his cards
I told his family
Since he dropped her like a rotten egg as soon as the crap hit the fan I didn't have to deal with that. But I did tell him he needed to "splain" to her clearly how he felt about her and what he did. I did write a very eye opening letter about her past/present, her lack of integrity and character to the preschool she volunteered at. I know they got it because of the final letter she sent!

Posts: 364 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Florida
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, July 12th (Saturday)

I told everyone the truth about X. This made sense in my situation - he had abandoned me and the marriage and was letting everyone (me included) think it was because of depression over his health concerns. On D-Day, I told everyone the truth. I was not going to be a part of his lies once I knew the truth.

"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5336 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
Member # 33772
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, July 12th (Saturday)

I told him if he wanted to get a second chance that he had to do these things.

Sign a postnuptial agreement giving me huge portion of his income if he cheated again, or continued with OW. It includes all forms of cheating.

He had to block her right that minute from everything. He had to give me all passwords.

I put a keylogger on his computer desktop. (I smashed his laptop..that falls under bad :) )

No passwords to be put on his phone ( I smashed his bad..bought a new one)

I gave him a second chance and he has worked hard to get me where I am thankful that I did.

[This message edited by Feelthrownaway at 5:55 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]

BW- 48
D-day- aug 16,2011
Married 23 years- together 25

What doesn't kill me, scars me.

Posts: 1208 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Down South
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, July 12th (Saturday)

Getting FWH to read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful (by Linda J. MacDonald) was instrumental in his attitude adjustment, and Not Just Friends (by Dr. Shirley Glass) was also essential.

LISTENING to the veterans here at SI saved my bacon on numerous accounts. I avoided things like alcohol addiction and RA's by just coming here and getting out my feelings.

"If the path you walk leads back to yourself, you'll never get anywhere." - Master Oogway

Posts: 18314 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Member # 39751
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, July 12th (Saturday)

Great question! Mostly what comes to mind are all the things I did wrong and figured out later, thanks to all of my SI friends.

The one big thing that I did right was - when I first confronted my husband after finding definitive proof of an affair - to keep my cool. It was like an out of body experience - I guess the shock and numbness kept me from reacting any other way.

I'm not suggesting in any way that people who discover an infidelity and react with anger, tears, screaming, etc. are making a mistake. What I am saying is that on that day and in that moment, my husband was expecting me to go ballistic...and he was ready to use that as an excuse for leaving me and as proof that his AP was a better person than his miserable, crazy, out of control wife.

My rage and screaming and tears came not long after that first day, but it was the fact that I could have a calm and rational discussion with my husband that make him realize that I wasn't as terrible as he'd told himself during the affair. It's what initially gave him hope of reconciling.

Might not be the right thing to do for everyone, but in our case my initial reaction was a big factor in what came next.

D-Day: June 2013 discovered two-month EA/PA
NC established: August 2013

Posts: 121 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 40788
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, July 12th (Saturday)

Snooped and read his emails (found out that it was actually a year-long progressive EA, not just a one-time "mistake")

Insisted on going NC immediately

Made it clear from day one that I was not afraid of the possibility of hefty-bagging his shit and visiting the divorce lawyer

Searched for and found an out-of-state job

Made pragmatic stuff like readying the house for sale a priority, just in case things got worse

Never hesitated to share what I was feeling, even when that meant shouting, furious anger, tears, telling him some unpleasant truths in no uncertain terms, etc. He was aware from DDay onward *exactly* how his affair affected me. I personally think this was the #1 most important factor in improving his rectal-cranial inversion and his leaving the rainbow-unicorn-farts fog for the Land of Remorse. Not feeling like I had to temper or stuff my emotions during our post-DDay discussions also contributed to me having enough emotional stability at other moments to get my life in order (e.g., finding a job, finishing my Ph.D. dissertation). I also allowed myself to completely feel positive emotions when they happened, including HB.

Refusing to submit to anyone else's notions of when or how I should "get over it"

Outing him, the OW, and her husband to our entire circle of friends via social media. Everyone always says you shouldn't do this if you want to reconcile, but it's been a year and I still have never regretted doing it. It allowed me to control the narrative before people started wondering and gossiping about why we weren't all friends anymore, it shone the cold spotlight of reality on everyone's bullshit behavior, and it meant that I didn't have to add the burden of "pretending" around other people to my already difficult life circumstances. I also got a lot of social support after the fact that I would have missed out on if I were hiding it from people.

Reading Not Just Friends (he did too)

Coming to SI (wish I had done that from Day 1, but it took me a few weeks to find my way here)

I did not go to IC, MC, or take antidepressants (for various reasons that I don't want to get into in this post, but you can read other people's IC/MC horror stories all over SI). This is not a choice for everyone, but it was the right one for me.

I also made some mistakes after DDay that I wish I could go back and change, but that's for another thread.

[This message edited by TheGarden at 6:31 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]

Me: BW, 39, Him: WH, 43; married 9 years, together 13 years
DDay:July 2013; EA progressing to a PA
APs: ex-"friend" & her enabling polyamorous husband
Status: Dual-income-no-kids, 2 cats, taking it day-by-day, married till we're not

Posts: 61 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Florida
Member # 30891
Frustrated  Posted: 8:06 PM, July 12th (Saturday)

Idid absolutely everything WRONG after every DDay. Mostly i accecpted the blame for not beinga good enough [fill in the blank]. And then rugsweeping! Must not forget we WERE both master at it!

I finally started doing things right 1/17/2011 when i googled ILYBINILEY. Holy scheisse! What a revelation! That also happens to be when found SI!

Due to revelation started having full blown panic attacks, so got into IC. Told her symptoms without background and immidiately diagnised as PTSD. The 3 1/2 yrs since has been both the hardest thing ever done and most rewarding. Not only for dealing w idiot unremorseful WH, but also job and friends and family and kids.

Learning i am not responsible for other people. I have to own my own shit,but not everyone elses. Make time for me. Support others but don't do it for them. Honesty with feelings. The list goes on and on!

I have a long way to go, but i now barely recognize the person i used to be, in a very good way!

Notthst i'm doing everythingright now,butI at leastnow recognize the BS and din't

Me: BW (44)
now xH (44)
20 yrs, 2 wonderful kids, and up to 5 - make it 6 DDays

Posts: 287 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: gilbert AZ
Member # 30891
Frustrated  Posted: 8:07 PM, July 12th (Saturday)

Idid absolutely everything WRONG after every DDay. Mostly i accecpted the blame for not beinga good enough [fill in the blank]. And then rugsweeping! Must not forget we WERE both master at it!

I finally started doing things right 1/17/2011 when i googled ILYBINILEY. Holy scheisse! What a revelation! That also happens to be when found SI!

Due to revelation started having full blown panic attacks, so got into IC. Told her symptoms without background and immidiately diagnised as PTSD. The 3 1/2 yrs since has been both the hardest thing ever done and most rewarding. Not only for dealing w idiot unremorseful WH, but also job and friends and family and kids.

Learning i am not responsible for other people. I have to own my own shit,but not everyone elses. Make time for me. Support others but don't do it for them. Honesty with feelings. The list goes on and on!

I have a long way to go, but i now barely recognize the person i used to be, in a very good way!

Notthst i'm doing everythingright now,butI at leastnow recognize the BS and don't accept it anymore.

Me: BW (44)
now xH (44)
20 yrs, 2 wonderful kids, and up to 5 - make it 6 DDays

Posts: 287 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: gilbert AZ
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, July 12th (Saturday)

I was diligent in confirming what I had suspected for two years. Let me tell you, this guy was am expert at covering his tracks but I did not give up until I finally figured it out.
On DD1, I did the right things. I was angry which is the only time I will actually speak up. I took charge of the situation and told him to pack his shit because I wanted him out When he begged to do whatever I said to stay, I told him he had to go to mc with me, go NC with ow, see ic about his anger issues.
My f**k up was not enforcing any of the above.
My next right was finding SI. If I had found SI sooner I would have made him leave when he didn't follow through.
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank

Posts: 5238 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, July 12th (Saturday)

My Dday was a little different, I got a call from an unexpected tipster, and busted FWS and OW together.

What I did right way:

Stay clam, while FWS freaked out.

Didn't fall for his gas lighting ("I love you, I'd never be with her, you're crazy! It's just a coincidence!")

I didn't play into the drama OW was trying to create by taunting me, I maintained my smug, confident, "I am better than you, bitch." composure when dealing with her.

I didn't break down until I was safely on the freeway, miles away from them.

I packed up his shit and 180'ed him so hard, and went about my life as though I was unaffected, and didn't respond to any of his fishing attempts until he dumped OW and made a sincere attempt at reconciliation. Then I insisted on transparency, IC/MC, and absolute NC (this was a month or so before she showed up pregnant).

[This message edited by Want2help at 8:32 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]

BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
OC born 3/08
OC Adopted 2014


Posts: 2335 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
Member # 41920
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, July 12th (Saturday)

I did very little right. The list of wrongs would fill pages. But here are a few rights:

- got into IC immediately
- did not start drinking (12 years sobriety intact)
- mostly kept it together in front of the kids, except for when they saw me crying
- confided in my father who has been a great help keeping me sane
- did not quit my job (came close)
- kept investigating to uncover what I hope is the whole truth after months of TT
- kept my options open
- only two episodes of losing my temper and shouting, and no physical violence
- got a good sleep med, mostly sleeping ok
- allowed myself to feel the pain instead of suppressing it

Me: BH 47 STBXWW 47 (Lklb5)
M 19 years, DS 15, DS 11
DD#1: 12/24/2013
TT/Broke NC/False R
DD#2: 4/15/2014
TT 4/23, 4/24, 5/31, 7/19

Sample recovery plan, feedback welcome:

Posts: 867 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: California
Member # 41692
Default  Posted: 11:13 PM, July 12th (Saturday)

-I kept my cool.
-I called him a selfish coward. I'm still impressed that I saw it for what it was that quickly.
-I didn't give in and have sex with him before he got STI screening.
-I managed not to announce it to the world to give myself time to think.
-I pretty quickly figured out what I would need to consider this relationship. If only he had been able to do some of it....

"The wishbone will never replace the backbone." -Will Henry
"This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it." -Dorothy Parker

Posts: 208 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
Member # 36401
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, July 12th (Saturday)

One of the main things I did right, one of the only things was That I confronted him. I was such a people pleasure, I wouldn't say shit If I was on fire. That has changed big time for me.

I found the emails, video and naked photos and first thing I did was email her to stop sending them to my husband, then I texted my husband a photo of the picture, I called it my favorite, while he was at work. I then sat there and watched him delete everything in his email. I know that was bad as I didn't forward it.

What I did right was yell, and cry and call him names. That was right because it showed him my actual feelings.

Posts: 282 | Registered: Aug 2012
Member # 35989
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, July 12th (Saturday)

Finding SI was about the only thing I did right. Once I found SI I was able to start following advice here. Before that though, not much I'm proud of.

I think I did the best I could at the time. I was totally unprepared and totally unequipped to deal with an A. Every mistake I made, I really was doing my best.

Now I'm saturn 2.0 Don't fuck with me now.

[This message edited by saturnpatrick at 11:37 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]

I typo therefore I edit.

Posts: 198 | Registered: Jun 2012
Member # 38603
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, July 12th (Saturday)

i threw her out immediately. i was willing to divorce immediately. i demanded nc, transparency immediately. i have not agreed to reconcile yet. she knows if there is anything else I will be done.

were those the right actions? i don't know. she definitely is doing everything I ask. she definitely wants to stay married. i don't know if it's the right thing because I still don't know if I want to stay married. i keep wondering if i should divorce, if this should be the end of a chapter and that I should move forward free of baggage to have a happy new life. I still love her. she's the mother of my children. but I don't feel the same any more. maybe I should cut her loose. why do I have to deal with this bullshit?

so... i guess if the question is what should you do to save the marriage? i would guess i did the right things in my circumstances. if the question is, should you stay married? i don't know the answer to that. i don't believe in *true love* anymore. i think that's a romantic myth. consequently, i keep thinking that maybe meeting someone new might be a good idea.

[This message edited by mike7 at 11:47 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]

BH 53
WW 52
Two kids 21, 18

DDay 1/15/2013

Posts: 546 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 43520
Default  Posted: 6:01 AM, July 13th (Sunday)

Good question!

In a particularly crazy period of time that follows a completely shocking revelation of the affair, I am proud that I

1. Got into IC
2. Got into MC
3. Consulted a lawyer so I knew what to expect if we separated
4. Told my friends, his friends and his mother
5. Kicked him out of the house for 6 weeks
6. Let him back into the house to deal with the children's pain but only if he agreed to sleep in the Guestroom (which he did)

I'm sure that there are a gazillion things I could have done better but honestly, it literally took about 3 months to shake off the shock.

Dday: 4th of January, 2014
WH 50
BS 49
18 years of marriage...three children
One affair PA/EA
"You didn't see me I was falling apart, I was a television version of a person with a broken heart." The National

Posts: 273 | Registered: May 2014
solus sto
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, July 13th (Sunday)

I did almost everything wrong. But I made sure I continued to eat properly, exercise, get enough fluid, and take a multivitamin.

It took me longer than I would have liked, but I realized anything else I did--any requirements I set down, for example--was meaningless if I had a remorseless spouse, that the one REAL requirement was another person who wanted to R.

[This message edited by solus sto at 7:02 AM, July 13th (Sunday)]

BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 9034 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 6:58 AM, July 13th (Sunday)

What did I do right?

I started making plans to leave him.

Then I did.

Best decision I ever made.

Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1900 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, July 13th (Sunday)

Finding SI was about the only thing I did right. Once I found SI I was able to start following advice here. Before that though, not much I'm proud of.
I think I did the best I could at the time. I was totally unprepared and totally unequipped to deal with an A. Every mistake I made, I really was doing my best.

It was easier to steal saturnpatrick's quote than to type it myself. Word for word.

2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D

Posts: 2115 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, July 13th (Sunday)

I started a lot of self-soothing immediately.

I insisted on NC, honesty, transparency, IC for my W, and MC immediately, if my W wanted R.

I didn't commit to R until I was pretty sure my W was as committed to R as I was.

I pressed my W to answer my questions whenever I wanted to ask them.

I didn't hide my feelings from my W.

One piece of luck is that my W had a terrific IC (to whom she had been lying), and her IC was able to see us together on d-day. Turns out she's an excellent MC, too. Again, that was luck.

fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10571 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, July 13th (Sunday)

I think that the thing that I did right and resulted in the immediate end of the affair was that I erupted like a volcano. I showed my hurt and rage. Immediately took my ww over to the other man's house to confront him and for my wife to face his wife. I told her family immediately and filed for divorce the very next day. My wife knew right then and there that a second chance with me was slim to none and that she had just disrupted mine and our children's lives.

I have since cancelled the divorce and we've travelled a long hard road together and still have a long way to go. I haven't mentioned my mistakes because I made plenty but I think by me blowing everything in the open immediately brought the shame and embarrassment down on her completely and she was able to feel a fraction of the pain she caused. They will never understand completely what they've done to us but at least trying to understand is a start. I did get trickle truthed for quite some time after that about other in appropriate things but that's another story.

Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 627 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
Member # 19911
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, July 13th (Sunday)

Yes, yes! Especially after just posting on the thread about re-doing D-day. My adrenaline is still pumping just mentally putting myself back to that time...

1. I was coming up on a milestone birthday, and had promised myself to get in shape. In the middle of that effort, the A hit, so the infidelity diet turbocharged my weight loss. I was walking for exercise, then used it desperately for a physical outlet. The end result being I looked terrific and felt really healthy, all while my world crumbled.

2. I read obsessively, books and on the internet, everything about As, relationships, mood disorders (H is diagnosed BPII).

3. I keylogged the computer and accessed all their emails back and forth. Mixed blessing there, because like another thread about non-D turning points, each intimate word I read and detail I learned was like a surreal stab in the heart.

4. I demanded NC and MC. Not a good counselor, and H lied and minimized, dated OW all the way through.

5. I consulted with and retained a D attorney. H has still not gotten over that.

6. I set up my own bank account, supported myself with a timely inheritance.

7. I exposed DOW to her family.

8. I believe that I kept it together and kept knowledge of the A from my children. Don't know if I'll ever learn the truth of that.

I second saturnpatrick's line, I did the best I could at the time. I was totally unprepared and totally unequipped to deal with an A. Every mistake I made, I really was doing my best.

The regrets as to how I handled it are simply things I have to cut myself a break on; no one gave me a primer in advance on what to do if your spouse implodes your world....

Me: The faithful one
Him: WS
4 great kids
Married 28 years, together 36
D-Day: April 1, 2006 (yep, April Fool's Day...)
Aaaaaas Yoooouuu Wiiiiiish...

Posts: 650 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Here & There
New Member
Member # 43705
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, July 13th (Sunday)

I ordered the book "How to Help Your Spouse Recover from Your Affair". When WH asked what he could do to help me I handed him the book and asked him to read it. He did and it changed everything for us. He finally got the magnitude of what he did. We wrote an NC together. We blocked the OW from everything we could. Since then things have been up and down but we're only 6 weeks out from DDday.,

D Day June 2014
Me 59
fWH 67
Married 6 years

Posts: 35 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, July 13th (Sunday)

I had been here as a WW so I knew the game.

1. Gave him an opportunity to confess . He didn't.
2. Took the day off work to gather evidence. Gave him another chance to confess. He still didn't.
3. Confronted, nuclear exposed..... Not proud of the right hook I gave him.
4. Blackmailed the crap out of her.
5. Insisted on NC, IC and MC.
6. Insisted he read " how to help.,,"

He was so angry about what I did he did it again. 2dday I should have done a lot of things differently..,

his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”

Posts: 5517 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Member # 37725
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, July 13th (Sunday)

Among many things done wrong, this is what I did right:

--I amassed a good deal of evidence before confronting him. I had confronted him before, so I knew I would need proof that he could not explain away.

--I rehearsed what I would say over and over.

--When I did confront him, I was the calm, cold interrogator. He broke down and sobbed, and I just sat there, stony and cold. It made me feel strong and in control. I did not start to cry until about an hour into our conversation.

--I let him know I was okay with D--in fact, I offered to free him to pursue the woman he loved. He declined my generous offer.

--Because he was showing deep remorse, I also let him know that I would be willing to R, but only with complete and total NC, after the NC phone call.

--The next day, I handed him How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair. That opened his eyes, and in fact he recommended it and quoted from it during his NC conversation with OW.

--I demanded total transparency. I got passwords to his e-mail accounts.

--I still am not sure if this was right or wrong, but when he offered to sleep in the guest room, I told him it was not necessary. He slept in our bed (but we did not touch for days). (My rationale was that if we were supposedly reconciling, then separate beds was not the way to go.)

--Seven months later, when OW contacted him, he did not tell me (he said he could tell I "already knew." He was right.) That precipitated a "Come to Jesus" talk during which I was wearing my very best bitch boots. The next time OW contacted him, five months after that, he told me right away.

Me: BW, age 66
Him: WH, age 64
Married 19 years
In R.

D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA

Posts: 412 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
Member # 41192
Default  Posted: 5:56 PM, July 13th (Sunday)

It took me months to do something right, I installed key loggers and discovered to full extent of his addiction, I trusted my gut and searched sites to find more, my final Dday I packed my kids and I up and left. I have sought help from therapists, meds, and COSA meetings to help me deal.

Me: 33 BS 2 boys (2yr & 5yr)
Him: 33 WH, sex addict, then 12 mos EA/2 mos PA with co-worker whore
Together 15yrs, married 7yrs
Dday 9/17/2013, more discovered 1/26/14
NC broken 7/28/14- pathetic piece of crap PA began.
Separated, R during divor

Posts: 505 | Registered: Nov 2013
Member # 43496
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, July 13th (Sunday)

Read enough of the emails to catch him in a minimization lie, and called it out. I kept the details of what I read to myself and leaked them out over weeks- gave WH the impression I knew A LOT more than I did.

Had him cut all contact.

Kept my head about me- he has (had?) a temper, and if I had confronted him aggressively, he would have been aggressive back, and it would have been over.

Immediately told him I needed time to process what I'd seen and figure out what I wanted (he saw what I was saying and things changed).

Sent him the 'how to help heal your betrayed' manual. Thankfully he read it- and even referenced it in front of me.

Made him go to the bookstore and buy After the Affair. He wore a hat and sunglasses the whole time, but he still had to be out in public buying it. Not a major consequence, but still, those minutes at the store were a class in humility. Apparently he hadn't considered that a lot of people buying it are the betrayed, and that's fine by me.

Me: 31, BW Him: 38, WH
2 children (ours) 7/11 & 3/14
D-day 4/18/14 I saw his 'other' email

Posts: 715 | Registered: May 2014
Member # 43059
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, July 13th (Sunday)

I don't know if the things I did right would work in every situation, but for ours it has and although there are things I would have changed these I would not:

NC immediately
Total transparency- passwords to everything
Complete change of WH's schedule effective immediately including quitting an extra job
Started spending time together and being very honest.
I showed my feelings rather than stuff them like I had always done.
Had him tell his parents and two best friends so that he would have some support and accountability.
Started reading and learning everything I could
Told him no tolerance at all for alcohol, porn, Facebook, texting women, etc. We set up some good boundaries.
Started spending a lot of time together- reconnecting, talking, crying, doing mindless house projects, etc.
I took very good care of myself and allowed myself time to be hurt and slowly recover. I felt like I had suffered a concussion for a couple of months really. During this time I allowed myself to do things that helped me heal. I read books. I took walks. I took baths. I went to lunch with friends. I read forums. I lost weight. I bought new clothes. I really took care of ME.

DDay was hard because it was the night before spring break started for our kids and for the first time ever we had no vacation plans so it was a very awkward time- trying to seem like everything was ok when clearly it was not. It is all a blur now...

Posts: 261 | Registered: Apr 2014
Member # 38408
Default  Posted: 11:29 PM, July 13th (Sunday)

Right things that I did on DD2:

Got mad. But not reactive. It was 11 p.m. when I found it; I woke him up at 5:30 a.m. - about 30 minutes before I had to leave for work.

Before I woke him, I wrote an email to both OW and WH - The gig was up. Told him his words were meaningless and poison - to go be with his dear sweet Sara and stop twisting me around. I was done, for all he could be concerned with and that if he didn't have a plan and some serious SA bottom lines in place before I left for work, he was expected to be gone before I returned.

I then wrote a 2nd email to OW and told her that her lip service to being sorry about hurting me a few weeks prior when I became suspicious was also meaningless and that if she cared for my husband she needed to disappear from his life because he would never be a good person while associating with her. That his self-destruction would continue unfettered by any goodness or faith-building activities in his life because of her influence. And asked her woman to woman to never contact him again.

I then outed him to those that mattered.

The next day I required that he have a job - any job. I didn't care if he didn't like it. he had to be W-2 employed. And stay that way.

I stayed stone-cold/dry eyed angry. He'd never seen my eyes so dead in his life and it scared him more than anything to see me so numb and dead.

I separated our finances. I drafted a separation agreement from a law website that complied with our state's rules. It gave me any assets with my name attached solely to the debts. It gave me my retirement. And it gave me spousal support. He agreed with it. And he still agrees to it, though we're not physically separated, everything in the agreement stays in place until we divorce or I rescind it. I won't be.

Posts: 168 | Registered: Feb 2013
Member # 29358
Default  Posted: 1:18 PM, July 14th (Monday)

I did dd#2 correctly. It was only a few weeks after dd#1.

My gut told me to check his phone. I listened and found a "good night can't wait to see you in the morning" text to the cOW he had already admitted an EA with. I kept the phone.

I confronted and did not let him off the hook for anything. I pushed and pushed for more information.

He fell asleep after hiding my phone, purse, and keys. I jumped on my bike and peddled 8 miles to my SIL's house and called my sister to pick me up.

We immediately went to the oBS and have him all the information I has at that time.

I left. It was only for a weekend, but I left. I stayed with my BIL and his wife as they have kids they same age as my kids and it kept my children distracted from what mommy was going through.

I outed him to both families. They did not need details, but they knew he had a physical affair and who it was with.

I went and had my hair done the night I dd#2. I needed something to make me feel good about me. My hairdresser was amazing and would not even allow me to pay.

I demanded STD testing and IC...and I refused to make the appointments for him. It was important that he did the work.

I had delivered the NC letter to the OBS a week after dd along with copies of the phone records (6,000 text messages in six weeks plus text to the cOW's daughters. He thought he was going to have an instant new family)

I confronted OW after dday#1. I was kick ass. I did not have the true story at that time, but I came across as strong, loving, and a true lady that was not willing to take shit. Basically it proved all the lies WH told about me wrong, and I did not even know about the lies yet.

I did not allow him to feel sorry for himself. I constantly told him to grow up and face his mistakes instead of pouting in the corner.

I constantly reminded him (when he tried to oull crap) that I did not need him. I wanted him, but I did not need him. I explained the difference. I did it kindly, not mean spirited.

I got myself out of the house in the weeks after dday. At home I was a weepy mess and wanted to curl up in bed. The more I was out of the house busy doing somethig, the better and stronger I was. I had my hair done, went clothes shopping, went to parties with friends, and finally had a life for the first time in years. I was strong, vibrant, and beautiful while I was out. Unfortunately those feelings wore off after about a year.

Me - BW 40
Him - FWH 39
Her - MOW 47 Fat Assed Toothless Man Faced Whore!!!

DD#1 July 28, 2010 Admitted to EA. A went underground.
DD#2 August 19,2010 Admitted PA

Posts: 1006 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Michigan
Alex CR
Member # 27968
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, July 14th (Monday)

I discovered the emails while H was away on a business trip. Between freaking out and wanting to call him right away, I called my best friend who talked me down and helped me see I needed to approach him in a calm organized manner. I had three days before he came home and got busy.

At the time I didn't know it was a five year LTA, but could see by emails it was at least two years, so I wrote down my list of evidence and then put together a list of questions. When H called on his way home from the airport I suggested we eat out at our favorite restaurant because I knew I would never freak out in public...I just can't do that. After we ordered, I pulled my journal out and began asking about OW....he only denied it once and then answered all the questions I had but we still had a long way to go. We've never gone back to that restaurant.

And I wallowed ...the first six months I crawled inside and just tried to breathe past the pain. I cut off the world and focused on me...and H understood this time was about me getting healed and he supported me every way he could.

We started meeting weekly to discuss the A as neither of us wanted to go to MC. We read a lot of books. We declared our home our sanctuary, a place to rebuild and make a new marriage with new memories. We talked about the A outside of our home...not saying I have a perfect record for that, but we tried and for us, it worked. It was easier on both of us for me to not be throwing bombs in the middle of dinner or at night when we needed to sleep. The rage and sarcasm didn't help me any more than it helped him and it certainly wasn't helping to heal our marriage. I would keep notes all week in my journal and we'd go out to dinner and set aside 30 or 40 minutes where H would answer any questions I asked, no holds barred and I could say anything I wanted and he took it. After a year or so of meeting weekly, we were talking more about us and not the affair or his betrayal and then we went to meeting every two weeks, then once a month and now we set up a time to talk when either of us feel the need.

I didn't know if we'd reconcile....I didn't know I could love my H again. But almost five years and I can say I'm glad he's here. We built a life together for many years and this chasm he created between us is now, every day, being filled in with love through lots of hard work.

[This message edited by Alex CR at 6:06 PM, July 14th (Monday)]

BS Me 61
WS Him 62
Married 33
Together 40
DD 11/16/09
The future looks good....

Posts: 1724 | Registered: Mar 2010
Member # 43122
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, July 14th (Monday)

D-day 1 - discovered EA, did nothing right

D-day 2 - discovered PA, caught them red handed

1. I didn't keep my cool, but I didn't resort to violence that day.
2. Started MC immediately
3. Iniated NC immediately
4. Read extensively, found SI

BS me 41
WW 42
Married 11 years
R for now I guess
DD 9 & DS 8
DDay 2 (PA) - March 3rd, 2014
DDay 1 (EA) - July 2nd, 2011

Posts: 119 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
Member # 30434
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, July 14th (Monday)

1. Found SI.
2. Started trusting my gut.
3. Considered her motives, rather than trusting what she said or did.
4. Stuck with my minimum demands, -her quitting her job, attending IC.
5. Acquired own IC.

WW 47 FOO Issues
DDay 11/09 Coworker
High School Sweethearts
Married 06/91
8 months TT
Sons 19 and 14
Recovery is constructing a pyramid of inference from which to see clearer.
The process involves using the reflexive loop.

Posts: 797 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ches
Member # 42852
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, July 14th (Monday)

What did I do right on D-day and after?

I didn't kill him

Me 47
ExH 43
Divorced 2010

47 is the new year of treating myself better than I have in 6 years.

What ever doesn't kill me makes me stronger so long as I remember that

My favorite drink is no longer Guinness but water. Call me Dasani23

Posts: 686 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Indiana
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, July 14th (Monday)

What did I do right on D-day and after?
I didn't kill him


As for me:

I never begged.

I told WH if he didn't like life with me he could leave.

I was 100% willing to give up my M if WH was not willing to give 200% to fix it.

ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.

Posts: 2134 | Registered: Nov 2011
Member # 40879
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, July 15th (Tuesday)

I sensed something was going on but did not know that my WW was having a long distance EA which turned into a weekend PA. I would have never known had she not came to me and confessed a week after her trip. As most others, I did many things wrong but there were a few things that I did right. Having never dealt with infidelity, I had no idea what was right or wrong in the immediate aftermath.
1) Insisted on NC immediately which should have been done in a written form but she did it through a phone call. She swore she was committed to NC but I found that she was lying and still sending texts and had set up a secret email account.
2) Exposed the OM with a phone call to his parents who were friends of my in-laws. The OM's father was shocked and embarrassed and immediately called his son and blasted him. Within minutes, the OM texted my WW and blasted her for telling me about their dirty little secret. A's don't do well when one AP blasts the other. The result was that my WW no longer believed the OM was such a great guy and she began her journey back into reality. The A was snuffed out with one phone call to the OM's father. Exposure works.

Posts: 273 | Registered: Oct 2013
Member # 22028
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, July 15th (Tuesday)

I didn't do anything right! I was in such shock and numb. We did start counseling (he made the effort to find one) and we started right away. Slowly we got better and I thought we'd be okay. Then I found some information that I needed clarification on. He came home from work and I asked him when was the last time he saw her. He very calmly responded "This afternoon, I met her for drinks". I went ballistic and threw everything I had learned from this site at him. It must have scared the shit out of him, because he cancelled his out of town trip (business) and made an appointment with our priest. I just wish I had known about this site before I needed it.

Me: BS (58)
Him: WS (59)
LTA 4 years with co-worker
Married 29 years
D-day1 5/08
D-day2 11/08
Status: 6 yrs and wondering if I'll ever be truly happy again

Posts: 1071 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: DFW
Member # 42972
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, July 15th (Tuesday)

After DDay I never spoke to him again. He had someone else anyways.. all the other times he would hurt me and leave me I would speak to him and let him lurk back... though I had and dont have closure I also dont want to speak to someoen so demented that I trusted...

7 years together
no children

OW was his ex he always convinced was his friend .. moved in her and knocked her up , got together behind my back

Ddays : many in 2009 and 2010
final dday : Sept 2012 after being broken up 3 w

Posts: 73 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: CA
New Member
Member # 42718
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, July 17th (Thursday)

I did so many, many things wrong but I did do a few things right:

Insisted on N/C (he had a different cell phone I didn't know about that he didn't cancel until two weeks later)
Transferred house to my name - he agreed.
Changed my will and left him out.
Already had pre nup.
Took my money out of bank acct and put in my name only.
Told him I would leave if he saw her again.
He was afraid of who I might tell since everyone thought he was such a great guy in a perfect marriage - Me included. I was in total shock when her fiancée called me.

BS - 61
WH - 67
Married 18 years
In R
6 grown children between us

Her - 3 yr affair w Asian massage girl barely speaks English only has affairs with committed or married men. Scams all of them.
We are in R Who is this man?

Posts: 14 | Registered: Mar 2014
million tears
Member # 24416
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, July 17th (Thursday)

I did nothing right immediately after the A. I figured this out after I joined SI. A few months after the A, he said he wanted an in-house separation. The A was over and I think he said it because he wanted me to beg him not to do it. I didn't beg, I 180'd his ass. Shortly after I went to my mom's in another state for several weeks. I didn't call or text him and ignored his. I only spoke to the kids. After I got home it was a whole new ballgame.

Now, with recent events I am this close to kicking him to the curb. I would have never had the guts to even think about it before.

2 year LTA-double betrayal, D-day 1-26-2009 and many months of TT. 2 more recent d-days-way overstepped boundaries.

Married 27 years. Together 29.

3 children 24, 21, 14

OW sex addict and romance addict according to MC.

Posts: 1664 | Registered: Jun 2009
Member # 23375
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, July 17th (Thursday)

*I told her BH about the A and sent him proof.
*Made him send OW a NC text.
*Told him to choose, no fence sitting for him.
*Bought 2 copies of "After the Affair", one for him one for me.

It was a good couple of days! Then shit went all to hell and I fell apart but I came out of the gate strong!

I am just your ordinary average everyday sane psycho supergoddess - Liz Phair

Don't keep dancing with the Devil and wonder why you are still in Hell.

It's all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits.

Posts: 5482 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Munchkinland
Member # 43909
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, July 17th (Thursday)

This is a great thread that I will be reading thoroughly as I go through my situation!! Helpful info!

Posts: 118 | Registered: Jun 2014
Member # 32820
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, July 17th (Thursday)

I didn't become aware of this site until well after DD1. Most of what I did without the benefit of this site was wrong, but the right included:

1 Not resorting to physical violence. OM was a cop in my town and was looking for any reason to have me arrested. Luckily, I didn't resort to violence during my period of suspicion but prior to confirming A and identity of OM; and

2. Not resorting to drinking. I was heavy drinker during teenage and college years, but scaled way, way back over the years, especially after birth of first child. I could have easily reverted back, but consciously decided not to.

Posts: 134 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: New Jersey
Topic Posts: 49