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User Topic: Really crappy two days!
soccermom9
Member
Member # 43805
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, July 12th (Saturday)

Well I went to my WH family members funeral out of state. While there I had a major trigger so I got quiet and tried to deal with it on my own but on the way bak to the hotel, WH ask what was wrong and I let it fly. I finally got SUPER angry to the point I punched my car window (completely out of character for me). My WH was very upset and said he could t talk about it now that he just didn't have it in him but did say he guessed we should just divorce. Why the crap am I going thru this if he will just give up so easily after vowing he was trying to make things right! I just don't understand!


Me: 44
WH: 43
Dday: 6-20-14
He admitted to drunken sex at massage parlor!
Attempting reconciliation

Posts: 66 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Kentucky
Pass
Member
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, July 12th (Saturday)

He''s saying that to throw you off balance. The answer he is hoping for is, "I''m sorry I expressed anger about you screwing around. PLEASE don''t threaten divorce."

The Princess used to pull that shit on me all the time. Finally I was the one who suggested divorce, but I meant it!


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 1907 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
soccermom9
Member
Member # 43805
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, July 12th (Saturday)

You are likely correct! I am trying but can't keep trying alone!


Me: 44
WH: 43
Dday: 6-20-14
He admitted to drunken sex at massage parlor!
Attempting reconciliation

Posts: 66 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Kentucky
Salt
Member
Member # 43726
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, July 12th (Saturday)

Yep. It's a manipulation. I got that too, intended to get me to shut up and go back to being controlled.

Next time he says it call his bluff by saying if you want to quit then go quit. Then walk away.

Ex stopped doing that after I threw it back at him and disengaged. Until finally I was the one who said I'm done.


BS, 54 Divorced 2012
I read and walked for miles at night along the beach, writing bad blank verse and searching endlessly for someone wonderful who would step out of the darkness and change my life. It never crossed my mind that that person would be me.

Posts: 89 | Registered: Jun 2014
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, July 12th (Saturday)

No, you cannot have a healthy, satisfying marriage alone. However, it certainly sounds like he's hoping you'll keep trying! As long as you, meaning just you, keep trying, then he can remain a coward & refuse to do the hard work of reconciliation.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9664 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
OakStreet
Member
Member # 41193
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, July 12th (Saturday)

soccermom9 -

Shame on you! You made him uncomfortable!

Either that, or he's still "in the fog".

My WH did both of these things - didn't want to talk about it and said he hoped I would throw him out....life is too short to be unhappy, blah, blah, blah.

Your Dday is rather recent. Have you and/or WH started counseling? We went through 5 months of counseling before WH started to "get it" and supposedly invest in our R.

Then I found out they took the A underground.

Now WH is out of the fog, all for R, doesn't want to split up.
But it may be too little, too late.

Again, give it time - but set your boundaries and demands.

Best wishes.


Me: 58
Him: 65
Married: 21 years (well, we'll say 19 now!).
One son: 19, 2 adult stepdaughters
DDay: Oct. 14, 2013
18 month EA/PA with COW
Dday #2: 4/16/14 - took it underground for 5 months.
Haven't decided on outcome.

Posts: 433 | Registered: Nov 2013
MissMouseMo
Member
Member # 38562
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, July 12th (Saturday)

Here's something novel to try:

Tell him yeah, he's probably right, probably ought to just go ahead and divorce. Tell him you'll go Monday. You can't reach anyone today or tomorrow, but you can make a list by doing a web review of recommended attorneys. Start making a list so you can make the appointment(s).

Either he'll freak out and scramble to start putting things back that he broke, or he keeps walking - and who cares?

Seriously, what have you got to lose?


It is the gut-wrenching, down-to-your-soul honesty that helps so much. ~paraphrased from CancunCrushed
"I edit, therefore I am." -BionicGal

Posts: 295 | Registered: Feb 2013
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, July 12th (Saturday)

I'm going to chime in with the others. My ws would also say we may as well D since I couldnt get past it. He would also throw in a sympathy move, "Ive been really trying but its just not good enough for you, is it"

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 2:22 AM, July 13th (Sunday)]


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5037 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
GetEvenInAZ
Member
Member # 30891
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, July 12th (Saturday)

Ok. Nearly 4 yrs after DDay #too-fucking-many, my xWH STILL pulls manipulative, controlling crap like this.

It is meant to manipulate and control you so you fit in WWs universe. Unfortunately, that universe is not the same one most rationale people live in, including us BSs.

He wants sympathy and encouragement that what he did wasn't really all that bad and that he is somehow a victim.

Umm....no. what he did WAS that and bad and NO he is not a victim.!

What has worked lately is:
"Seriously? What normal person say that?"
"Are you high? Because thats is f'd and no normal person says/thinks that."

It put onus on him to explain, which can be quite funny if in right frame of mind.

The thing that has worked for me lately are the followingphrases:

[This message edited by GetEvenInAZ at 8:26 PM, July 12th (Saturday)]


Me: BW (44)
now xH (44)
20 yrs, 2 wonderful kids, and up to 5 - make it 6 DDays

Posts: 283 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: gilbert AZ
GetEvenInAZ
Member
Member # 30891
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, July 12th (Saturday)

Ostrich80...mine was "can't win for losing". Whatevs


Me: BW (44)
now xH (44)
20 yrs, 2 wonderful kids, and up to 5 - make it 6 DDays

Posts: 283 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: gilbert AZ
GetEvenInAZ
Member
Member # 30891
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, July 12th (Saturday)

Stupid ipad!

Phrases currently working:
Seriously? What normal person thinks/says that?
Are you high? Because what you said is f'd up and not normal.

It shows i no linger believe him and puts onus on him to explain his idiotic statements.

A good eye-roll is very effective when words fail and need to gather your thoughts.


Me: BW (44)
now xH (44)
20 yrs, 2 wonderful kids, and up to 5 - make it 6 DDays

Posts: 283 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: gilbert AZ
Topic Posts: 11