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Reconciliation
User Topic: Forgiveness
Shayna71
Member
Member # 42105
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, July 21st (Monday)

Every day for the last 3 days I have wanted to tell my husband that I forgive him. He has been the model WS. IC is really working for him, and MC for us going well. He is so supportive and affectionate and understanding. He is completely accepting of the fact that i still don't trust him, even though I haven't found one thing since DDay 10 months ago that is suspicious. He says he will just keep doing the right things until I believe him.

Yesterday the OW BS called me. She things the OW is having another affair, and she knows I had info that she hadn't wanted to hear before. She wanted to now...so I told her about the affair her girlfriend had prior to my H, another older married man. We talked. She is a wreck, a total mess. Trying to catch her GF in lies, checking up on her, looking for proof, etc. OMG!!! it brought up all those old feelings. H was so understanding, helpful, remorseful...

I have thought of telling him I forgive him every day for the last 3 days, but I stop myself every time....Why? I'm not sure. Maybe because I want to be absolutely certain that I FULLY forgive him. I don't want to tell him that, and then realize 2 weeks from now it was just gratitude, or feelings of appreciation. Maybe because I dont' want to "let him off the hook" for lack of a better term. Maybe because I don't want him to think that it means I'm "over" it. Because I'm not.

Who has forgiven their WS? How and when did you do it? Were you happy you did? Did it have meaning?


Me: BW 46
Him: WH 42
3 month EA and PA w/a mutual friend
DDay 09/20/2013
Married over 20 years
DS 26, DS, 19 DD, 18
Currently in R

Posts: 130 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Indiana
lordhasaplan?
Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, July 21st (Monday)

but I stop myself every time....Why? I'm not sure.

Because your not sure. That's OK.
I'm 4 years out and I have never told my W I forgive her.

Who has forgiven their WS?
Accepted, yes. Forgiven all actions no. See there are things I can never forgive. But for me its not an all or nothing thing. It took me 2 years to realize I can forgive certain actions, aspects of the affair. But some , NOPE. In fact as part of IC I made a list, largely I can get there. But everything, nope.
Another thing I struggle with is a relationship where I give or withhold or participate in where she is. Forgiveness is a gift for ME, not her. So why should I tell her? She needs to forgive herself, its her gift to herself.
Did it have meaning?

Anything borne of genuine work and rebuilding has meaning. But I dont have to forgive her to remain and start a new marriage. She killed the old, that's hers to forgive.

[This message edited by lordhasaplan? at 1:21 PM, July 21st (Monday)]


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1908 | Registered: Nov 2010
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, July 21st (Monday)

You're 10 months out. It sounds like the A was longer than that. Seems way too early for forgiveness, IMO.

Trust was the issue for me. My W's PA was 4.5 months long. The relationship with ow was sick for 15 months, but it's hard to pinpoint where it crossed over to betrayal. W was a model WS after d-day. It took me about 3 years to trust my W again, and I think our MC thinks that was a little fast.

Patience, Shayna, patience. (((Shayna71)))

[This message edited by sisoon at 6:37 PM, July 21st (Monday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10345 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
mhca
Member
Member # 41920
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, July 21st (Monday)

You don't have to forgive him for everything. Maybe there are certain things you can forgive him for. It can be one step at a time. Look for specific things he did that you are truly prepared to let go of, even if you're not really to let him off the hook for the entire A.


Me: BH 47 STBXWW 47 (Lklb5)
M 19 years, DS 15, DS 11
DD#1: 12/24/2013
TT/Broke NC/False R
DD#2: 4/15/2014
TT 4/23, 4/24, 5/31, 7/19
Divorcing

Sample recovery plan, feedback welcome: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=539961


Posts: 782 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: California
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, July 21st (Monday)

I could not completely forgive my H until I knew all the details of his A. Oddly, the OW provided a lot of them to me in an effort to tear us apart. Her efforts backfired. My H read the things she wrote and broke down crying - both out of shame and, more so, because he could see how much what they did was hurting me. For the first time, I truly believed he no longer had any positive feelings for her. And the pain he felt for the hurt he caused was intense and long overdue.

The lump that resided in my throat for 5 months left - I knew I could finally really forgive him. All along he had been doing all the right things, but his withholding details (that I found out bit by bit) were chipping away at my resolve.

Are we 100% reconciled and totally happy now? No! I still look at him in disbelief over the extent of what he and the OW did. And my nights are filled with terrible dreams of what they did. But forgiveness is definitely a step in the right direction. And I can honestly say that I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him.

I don't know if any of this resonates with you. I wish you the best of luck!!

(((Shayna71)))


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 423 | Registered: May 2014
brkn_heartd
Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, July 21st (Monday)

I forgave my H about 2 years after his A. I did it for me, not for him. My soul became lighter after I forgave him. That did not mean that I trusted him 100%, it did not mean he got off scott free or that I don't remember. We are going into our 5th year now. He has brought it up several times in the last couple of days thanking me for not giving up on him and for staying with him and allowing him to show he is worthy.

I thought I forgave him sooner than I said, but I did want to make sure I did because my emotions were all over the place. Give yourself time. The emotions and thoughts you are having are normal. Give your self time. Have patience with yourself as you heal.


Me-51 BS
Him 58-WS
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1646 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
cosmicjoke
Member
Member # 39159
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, July 21st (Monday)

I'm not a forgiver. And that I believe, is OK.

Posts: 208 | Registered: May 2013
Lark
Member
Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, July 21st (Monday)

I'm not anywhere close to forgiveness, but I believe there is a book that is recommended on here about it. I also came across it on Amazon..

Right now my feelings of forgiveness are that it's a fair thing to say you forgive, but still remember. The memories are still painful. You can forgive parts, but not all. Etc. It doesnt have to be an all or none, black or white thing.

and no reason at all to say it until you want to.


“It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” - Dumbledore

Posts: 724 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
Ausman
New Member
Member # 41513
Default  Posted: 12:29 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)

I rarely post but felt compelled to give me insights on forgiveness.

In my experience The forgiveness I offered to my wife was gift that I gave myself. It allowed me to move on with my life. The baggage of pain I carried was released when forgiveness was given to her. To be fair this took a while to get to this position, and for me it was obvious that I was just hanging to the bad thoughts.


Me - BH 45
Her - WW 45
Married 21 years together 28 years
Four adult children (yes we started young)
DD#1 1999 3 month PA much older co-worker
DD#2 Dec 2013 EA over a year with childhood ex-boyfriend
Not sure where the relationship is going at

Posts: 13 | Registered: Dec 2013
morethantrying
Member
Member # 40547
Default  Posted: 5:32 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)

brokenhearted, ausman

How do you do it? I thought I did, buy I sometimes feel back closer to square one than 18 months out...maybe I backtracked a bit recently and have I forgiven? How do you do it...I want release too.


Affairs - hard on us both - but love will win.
Me: BS 55
Him: WS 62
Married 32 yrs.
dday TT from 12/2012-2/2013)...

Posts: 305 | Registered: Sep 2013
Shayna71
Member
Member # 42105
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)

Thank you everyone, for your responses. I feel less anxious about it now.


lordhasaplan, of course you are right. I'm obviously not ready, or I'd just do it, and not be unsure. I wish I knew why. There certainly are things that bother me more than others, but I don't think I can pick and choose. You and mhcs and Lark all offer the same advice, to try and forgive some aspects. Sometimes it seems like I am trying to forgive him for not being being the person he was supposed to be, for not having character, so while some actions are worse than others, they are all in same bucket of sh#t. I might try and think about this, though.

Sisoon, the EA started in late June 2013 and became physical in mid July. DDay was Sep 20, 2013. it was a little less than 3 months. I def do not trust yet, and he knows and accepts that. Our MC makes me feel as though she thinks I should be moving along, and sometimes I feel pressure to be "better" than I really am. But when I feel like that, I just say so. For the most part she is wonderful. I know without her we would NOT be together. She has not mentioned forgiveness, probably because I haven't.

needfriendshere, I know what you mean. I had to have ALL the details to. I wanted to understand how he could do it. So for weeks after DDay I peppered him with questions, one after another, at all hours of the day and night, and he answered them all. It is a double edges sword, though. first off, I will never "understand" it because I would never do it, and I needed to know ALL the details so that I didn't feel like there were any secrets between them, but of course, once you know, you can't un-know

brkn_hearted and Ausman, I hear that alot, that forgiveness is for me, and not him, but I don't really get that. For me forgiveness means that I believe he is genuinely remorseful, repentant, that he owns what he did and understands the magnitude of it, that he appreciated the gift I've given him by choosing to stay with him, and that he will NEVER do anything like this again.

Cosmicjoke, yes, I think it is alright. People keep saying I have to forgive the OW, and I have no intention of it, never, ever, ever. I am completely at peace with that.



Me: BW 46
Him: WH 42
3 month EA and PA w/a mutual friend
DDay 09/20/2013
Married over 20 years
DS 26, DS, 19 DD, 18
Currently in R

Posts: 130 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Indiana
steppingup
Member
Member # 42650
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)

Shayna71 - I forgave my wife and AP in her first affair WAY TO EARLY and it was not healthy. It basically helped them and not me. I was not done with my anger and I was only trying to "nice" my WW back to me.

You will know when forgiveness is ready. He your WH is not asking for it, don't give it, don’t give it until it feels so easy to say that its almost like saying, "please pass the salt".

It should be effortless. I know, I know, you want to reward him for his remorsefulness. He will get your forgiveness when it is ripe.

By posting here, you already told us it is not ripe, so do nothing.

Also see where your forgiveness is coming from. Keep in mind we have different components to our being. 1) Emotional Self 2) Physical Self 3) Intellectual Self 4) Spiritual Self. Make sure each of these components of you are in agreement with the forgiveness part.

For me my early forgiveness was "Spiritual" only, as I was trying to be a good Christian man and forgive because the bible says we need to forgive others of their sins they commit to us.

But, my emotional self and others were not ready...I suffered much for the early forgiveness, because the lies and cheating continued. Not fun, hun?

Forgive when it is time, be fully in agreement with that action and let you WH know when you give it, that it is precious and must be protected with HIS LIFE!


PS - My WW's IC told he that she should hope that I forgive her but that she shouldn't expect it. She understood completely, and so would your WH. Remeber, he broke your heart..and changed forever what we long expected...that one day when were are old and nearly dead, to say, "thank you dear for standing by myside and never leaving me or forsaking me"..no, we have lost that honor and privlidge forever because of their selfish behaivor.

[This message edited by steppingup at 12:12 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]


Her (WW 40s) Me (BH, 40s) very young DS & DD

“Whatever follows after DD is much more crucial than the infidelity action itself” Quote by SI Member Melian40

"I'm a good man, not an option" - Steppingup


Posts: 498 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CALI
Its Better Now?
Member
Member # 34802
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)

Shayna 71. I forgave my FWW about 2.5 years into this hellish nightmare. BUT; as so many above me on this thread have so wisely stated, I did it for ME! I could no longer feed the soul consuming cancer of the unforgiveness and bitterness that was growing wild within me, and changing me from a guy I liked and was comfortable with into someone I did not know and hated entirely. ( Please forgive the run on sentences ). I allowed it to grow to such a point that the all consuming anger and bitterness caused me a heart attack. It was while I was convalescing that the little light in my head and heart came on for me.
When you are ready, and only when YOU know you're ready, Do This. But Do it for YOU! Because I forgave FWW and OM they no longer have a rent free living space in my head. Also; please don't allow yourself to confuse forgiveness and trust. I know that I know I have forgiven her, but I can not say that I will ever trust her again. That glass has been too severely shattered. But, I do not have to trust her to forgive her, to set her free from what she did and with whom she did it. I trust God and me alone. God that he/she will providentially care for me no matter what others do to me, and me that I will be only a memory to her if she ever ventures anywhere near any kind of A again.


OK; It's Brass Tacks Time

Posts: 124 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Lost and Wondering
Topic Posts: 13