User Topic: Do you think the OW or OM is truly sorry?
Member # 44148
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, July 21st (Monday)

After I found some evidence of WH's A last week, I messaged the OW on facebook asking what was going on. She said she was very sorry, that it only happened once (physically) about 3-4 years ago and that she would never let herself do it again. She said that her xH cheated on her and she knows how it feels and that she is so very sorry. She has since been talking to my WH off and on ever since, sending nude pictures, talking dirty, etc. I just find it so hard to believe that she is really sorry for what she did or if she's only sorry because they got caught.

Has anyone else felt this way? Have you ever been told sorry by the OW/OM and KNOWN they really meant it?

Me: 30ish Him: 30ish (99% sure he has NPD)
Together 14 yrs, Married 9 yrs
His #1 EA D-day 10/20/09
His #2 PA/EA D-day 7/11/14
My PA D-day 10/21/09
My brain says leave, my heart says stay

Posts: 308 | Registered: Jul 2014
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, July 21st (Monday)

No one can make a blanket statement one way or the other. Some will be truly sorry while others dont give a damn or think what they did was justified.

Remember all the OP knows of you is what your WS told them. Chances are they think we are cold or abusive or some such. Lies told for affair purposes. No basis in fact.

So IMO some probably are genuinely sorry.

In my case that is not so however.

Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche

Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, July 21st (Monday)

She was so sorry she continued an emotional affair?

My husband and the OW were quite guilty during hte affair. OW2 stopped midsex to say how sexual intercourse was wrong - they had been having oral sex for weeks and continued oral sex afterwards OW1 passionately said how wrong it was what they were doing in between groping and kissing as she first asked my husband to have sex with her. He agreed how awful it was what they were doing.

That was their turn on.

That was how they consoled themselves that they recognized what they were doing was wrong - I mean, anybody who has any sort of conscious knows it's wrong, so it'd kind of indicate what at otal ass you are if you don't have any sense of acknowledgement.

It's part of the ego-stroking, back patting. THey're both so wrong, they are so sorry, they're such bad people. All about them them them them them. And then the other AP comforts them, or they get to be "the same" together.

So yeah, sure they might be truly sorry. Does it mean anything? no.

Both OW apologized ot me after the affair was outed. Nevermind that they knew he was married, knew we have kids. Knew it would devastate me. Knew that they were guaranteeing our kids to 50% time with their father for the next 16 years. Knew they were destroying our family. Knew that they were acting against me, not just against their own husbands/boyfriends.

Apologies are just assuaging their own guilt. I mean hell, they apologized right? They're not so awful of people.

One day maybe they'll actually "get it." And on that day I dont' want ot hear sorry. I want them to direct it inwards, hate and despise themselves in a way that they'll actually do something about it instead of just pitying themselves.

“It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” - Dumbledore

Posts: 873 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, July 21st (Monday)

Oh and I'd also be super hesitant to believe anything either of them say about the affair.

When OW1's husband found out, she emailed MY husband to let him know the exact details she'd told her husband so he could tell the BH the same story. 6 months later her husband still thinks it was just months of chatting and sex ONE time and no contact after he found out.

I know it was sex every night she was scheduled to work. So dozens of times. Thousands of messages each month. And it continued for 5 months following their "breakup."

“It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” - Dumbledore

Posts: 873 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
Member # 38719
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, July 21st (Monday)

In my case, yes. She was a very naive young woman who, while she knew full well what she was doing was wrong, did feel immediate regret and remorse. I have no doubt about this and believe whole heartedly that she will never do anything like this again.

Me- 40
Him- 47
March 9, 2013- the day my heart died

Posts: 248 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
Member # 43131
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, July 21st (Monday)

No, I do not believe the OW is sorry, though her BH says she is. She is sorry they got caught. She wanted to continue it, and tried to even after her H found out. I know she is doing the 12 steps and I wonder if I will get an amends letter. My guess is probably not.

"We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means 'I survived'." -Chris Cleave

Posts: 339 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Philadelphia
Member # 29907
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, July 21st (Monday)

OM apologized to me then continued to stay in touch with fWW. But you know what? He really doesn't matter. What matters is if the wayward is truly sorry.

Me: BH (early 40s)
Her: WW (early 40s)
Married 15 years
1 daughter, under 10
DDay July 2007

Posts: 469 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: 3yrwait
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, July 21st (Monday)

Hell no.

When I first found out and called the OM, he basically had the belief that my wife was her own person and could do what she wanted. He told me no one owns another person and that I don't own her.

Lucky man he was since I was never able to meet up with him in person.

Posts: 4279 | Registered: Jun 2002
Member # 41843
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, July 21st (Monday)

Nope...not in my specific case anyway. Not only did she participate in the destruction of my marriage but she added insult to injury by moving into my home, using my things, sitting on my furniture, sleeping (and f**king my stbxh) in my bed. And he has allowed and encouraged it. No sorrow there

I am no longer accepting the things I cannot change...I am changing the things I cannot accept.

Posts: 125 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Northeastern US
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, July 21st (Monday)

No. She knew me, knew who I am, met my children and grandchildren, and she was entertained in my home. My H may have told her some lies about me, but he was not her sole source of info about me.

I know she is not sorry because she sent an email to several people, after DDay, that we were copied on saying she was not sorry for her choices or anything on her life journey. Her sociopathic personality would never admit a mistake, ever. Her life is just a journey and she embraces all of its twists and turns.

The OW just completed her ordination as a minister. You might think it would include making amends with those she hurt in the last few years or made some action of repentance. Nope.

Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.

Posts: 1584 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
Member # 34030
Default  Posted: 6:27 PM, July 21st (Monday)

This is a two-way answer.
I believe that

1) if the OP did not know the spouse existed, they may be sorry. Some of them are and some aren't. The ones who leave the relationship as soon as they find out, are the ones who are sorry. If , after finding out that there is a spouse or significant other, they still continue the relationship, then NO way are they sorry.


2) if the AP knows a spouse or SO exists and they enter into the relationship, there is NO WAY on earth they are sorry or that they will ever be. If they say they are, it is bs in my book.

And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive.But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”

Posts: 876 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Somewhere in the South
Member # 42662
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, July 21st (Monday)

Mine wasn't. She said she was, then proceeded to tell me everything deatil she could to hurt me, tell me I was stupid for staying with WH and all I cared about was appearances. She also called me frigid. She's a real peach. LOL

I do think it possible for a OW/OM to be truly sorry. usually it's the ones who didn't know about you when it started, or the ones who figure out they were told lies and then immediately end it. But most of them aren't sorry enough to actually stop, so how sorry can they really be?

I find most of them subscribe to the "you must not be doing something right if he's here with me so it's not my fault I'm better for him than you" school of thought. LOL. That or the "this is what I want so screw her" mentality.

Posts: 97 | Registered: Mar 2014
Member # 42124
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, July 21st (Monday)

Some AP are sorry and most, in my opinion are not. The apologies are largely a matter of ass coverage. It's really hard to carry on an affair with a married or committed person and those who decide to do it generally have made up that their minds that the inconvenience and possible collateral damage are worth it.

M 2007. DDay 2008
~10+ CL Prostitutes in 8 months
Divorcing SAWH "ActionsOverWords"
Me: Early 30s BW (also an adult OC) w Baby DS

6 years of TT, hidden STD & false R
Separated 5 mos+; he will not commit
Someday I will be okay

Posts: 288 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, July 21st (Monday)

..i'm guessing some are truly sorry..

and some are not sorry at all..

and of course, some are just sorry....that they got caught!

I'm willing to bet the 'OM' in our case, is SORRY he's "DEAD!"

.. smy

[This message edited by somanyyears at 8:25 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]

trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf

Posts: 4134 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
Member # 43041
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, July 21st (Monday)

I think AP #1 felt bad, I wouldn't necessarily say she felt sorry. She began the whole thing 5 years ago, knowing he had a gf. Yet she was the one that asked him if he wanted to see where things went. He was never actually attracted to her, she was just a new way to get off like a new sex toy to pick up when he was bored and put down again when he was done. Fast forward to last December when WH was pushing for more attention from her because he wasn't getting it from ap # 3,they had a teary conversation in which she said she couldn't do it any more, that she felt bad. Dunno know why it took to just before my giving birth for her to grow a conscience.

Ap #2 isn't sorry, despite her writing the words when I confronted her via fb messenger after I found out that not only was she his confidant during both of his affairs but she also sent him naked photos of herself both times. Her sorry was surrounded by her saying she's never known anyone as insecure as me (not that she knows me at all) and that yes she liked the attention, daddy didn't give her much and her step mum was a Bitch to her. She was unable to get why her sorry wasn't good enough.

Ap #3 won't even admit she's done anything wrong. Apparently my husband is a cheating scum bag but she's mother Theresa because she was single at the time. Which I believe to be a lie. She was nothing but defensive about the affair, and she didn't even realise I was listening to the conversation.

I believe some ap can become sorry. But it takes time and a willingness to face your own crap. I think that mostly only happens when they have the after affair shit storm going on in their own home and are honestly remorseful for what they have done to their partners. My WH hasn't gotten to feeling sorry for his part in the possibility of destroying the relationships and families of his ad's but I'm hoping when he can take a step back from fixing himself and our marriage he will be able to come to that place.

Me: BS 31
WH: 29 (theseseatsRtaken)
DS: getting close to 1
Together 10 years, married 2.
DD1: 8th of Jan 2014
DD2: 10th of Jan 2014
NC: 8th of Jan
In hopeful R!

Posts: 381 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, July 21st (Monday)

If she's continued to be in contact with your WH and is sending nudies......she ain't sorry for nothin'.
She was shining you on and telling you what you wanted to hear in order to get off of the phone from you as quickly as possible.

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.

Posts: 8181 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Member # 23328
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, July 21st (Monday)

I think it doesn't matter.

If they didn't know, they're victims, too.

If they did, they're lowlifes. Cheaters. Liars.

Fuck them.

Take care of yourself. There's a great future out there. It won't come to you; you have to go to it.

Posts: 5195 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartOf, TX
Member # 43567
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, July 21st (Monday)

Not at all, and neither am I for being the one he was cheating on her with!

She posted a pic of WH and her son on fb and dd saw it, sent her a very nasty message privately on fb, as for the pic....2 years later it is still there and from what her daughter's ex told us, plans to leave it there to piss me off. Funny thing though, it is just proof of just how screwed up she truly is

Posts: 53 | Registered: May 2014
Member # 43196
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, July 21st (Monday)

My fwh's COW was going to send me a card to tell me she was sorry.

She knew us for 18 years. I recommended her for the job. I worked with her daughter for 6 years in extracurricular activities. Yet she felt compelled to tell fwh she had feelings for him and just "had to tell him". Oh yeah, she tried to get him fired after I caught them and he then dropped her as we tried to reconcile.

She's "sorry" all right. (I'm not blaming her for everything. My fwh jumped all in. I just wish she had to suffer one-tenth of what I have suffered the last 9 months.

Affair season started today. It was one year today that I thought it was so weird she was pumping me for information on fwh's foo. I wish I had listened to my gut. She confessed her feeling to him shortly thereafter and used info I had shared with her to get closer to him.

DDay 11-02-13
Married 30 years
2 month PA/EA with COW
Trying to R

Posts: 108 | Registered: Apr 2014
Member # 44060
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, July 21st (Monday)

I will have to say yes, some are. My WH is the AP for the OW, and he has sincerely apologized to OW's husband on several occasions...and I believe he is truly sorry. OW has given me "I didn't mean to hurt you" line, but I don't think she has reached sincere remorse yet. I do hope that will happen one day, but it will not affect my healing or moving foward.

Me (BS)- 42
Him (WS)- 44
Married 21 years
3 beautiful daughters (18,16,14)
DDay- 4/23/14- 6 month EA turned PA just before DDay

Posts: 353 | Registered: Jul 2014
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, July 21st (Monday)

Hell no! They are just sorry they got caught.

Me-BW 39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 953 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
Member # 44148
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, July 21st (Monday)

If they did, they're lowlifes. Cheaters. Liars.

Fuck them.

LOL I like your attitude!

For a very small second I believed she was sorry. She even said that WH had been bitching about something I had done. She didn't even remember what he had said! She said "He was bitching about something you did. I don't remember what it was. Oh right, you had cheated". She's lucky I wasn't in the same room as her or else I would have punched her ugly witch face.

But that brings me to my story. I'm a madhatter, so the tables have been turned on me. I wasn't sorry for what I did to my AP's BW. I only felt bad that she was 8 months pregnant when she found out (and of course HE never told me she was pregnant. I found that out only a few weeks after I ended the EA). He never talked bad about her, never talked about her at all actually. So I didn't have any image of the type of person she was. I don't think that makes me cold or heartless. The only person I cared about hurting was my BH. My BH had spoken to her the day I told him. She said she isn't surprised because this has happened to her twice before. So I guess in my mind that was her problem because she knew what type of person he was and she chose to stay with him.

Quite possibly the same thing the OW in my current situation thinks. She probably doesn't feel bad. She was probably in heaven that an attractive man was showing her attention. She even told me that it was nice to get compliments on the pictures she sent him because she doesn't have a social life. Whatever bitch. He probably would compliment a donkey if he knew he was getting pleasure in return.

Me: 30ish Him: 30ish (99% sure he has NPD)
Together 14 yrs, Married 9 yrs
His #1 EA D-day 10/20/09
His #2 PA/EA D-day 7/11/14
My PA D-day 10/21/09
My brain says leave, my heart says stay

Posts: 308 | Registered: Jul 2014
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, July 21st (Monday)

I really don't care. It doesn't affect my life either way, so long as the loser stays out of it.

"You have insulted my footwear."

Posts: 7565 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
New Member
Member # 42583
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, July 21st (Monday)

No i don't believe they are sorry at all.My WS told her he did love her before even letting me know that. She told him to separate from me before having sex. She had morals NO! She wanted him to give up everything and he did. In the midst of separation now. I did get in contact with her at the beginning and she did quit her job and told me they were in love and if he didn't love me there was nothing i could do. No sorry! She did end up leaving for China and told my husband not to contact her because her heart was broke. No sorry she didn't care who she hurt and what he gave up. I think she is just waiting for the divorce and lets see if the grass is greener on the other side. She made him loose his family and friends and turned him into a shell of a man. I have never seen a man cry that hard for a women, and every text i sent her there was no apology just that i was an alcoholic housekeeper and she is so better she worked in his cafeteria lol but still no sorry!! If i ever see her i will run her down and i won't be saying sorry!!!!

Posts: 19 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Canada
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 2:51 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)

No she's not sorry. I know her and I know she thinks I deserve what I got. If I was a better wife, he wouldn't hsve been knocking on her door. Of course its utter bullshit but hey whatever helps her sleep at night
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank

Posts: 5238 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Member # 40779
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)

I am almost positive she is not sorry in anyway, other then being caught. I still don't know what WH told her about me. He says he only told her that he didn't think we would be married much longer. I am sure he told her other stuff, but he can't seem to remember. I do have the details about all of the other crap though. She is 34, never been married or in a long term relationship. Pretty sure that tells you something right there. Desperate.

BW 41(me)
WH 41
DDay 1 07/31/13 ONS with beaverface
DDay 2 05/09/14 texts to another woman (not returned)
I live a real life fairy tale. I married prince charming. He kissed a troll. He turned into a frog.

Posts: 217 | Registered: Sep 2013
Member # 25395
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)

The OW never apologized to me although she made an offhand comment in an email to my WS shortly after dday and after he established NC that she was sorry for the role she played in hurting me. I don't think for a nanosecond that she actually was sorry; I thinks she was sorry that I found out, and even sorrier that he didn't leave me for her. I think she expressed that simply to assure herself that she was a good person, which she isn't, because this wasn't the first time she had an affair.

However, I do think there are some OW and OM that are truly sorry. So many of the WS on this forum who have done the work or are doing the work of reconciling or healing themselves were OW and OM, and I believe they are truly sorry for the hurt they caused everyone involved.

Me: BS/39
Him: WS/37
DDay: August 23, 2009
Together 14 years.

Posts: 1710 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: not toronto anymore
Member # 36827
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)

I can tell you when I asked my exPOS if she cared that she was actively destroying the BW, and the family, she flat out said she didn't care. Not like I had to be told, but still it's chilling to see what fucking monsters they are.

BTW, this was said after she told me that she had no regrets (concerning me) for what *happened* (such a coward she could never even use the word affair, cheating, infidelity, etc. It just happened...)

D-Day spring 2012
Me BS 47
Xcheater 44
One DD 19
Married 23 years
Divorced 12/23/13 Fu*king A!

The cruel, the unkind, those without honor, feast on the tender heart...

Posts: 652 | Registered: Sep 2012
Member # 43792
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)

No not really. They may say so but many say sorry and still continue the A or go on to have another one with somebody else.

Posts: 333 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: East coast
Member # 36827
Default  Posted: 8:29 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)

As an aside, as weird as it may seem, but I did apologize to the BW for the actions of my POS ex. Did it verbally in person on the day she came to our home after chasing down my ex, and I thought she might beat the snot out of her during the confrontation. Did not do it to save her hide, but I genuinely felt awful for this women, and the pain/anger she had to endure.

When the BW visited my home unannounced some months later telling me that my POS ex and her POS were shacking up, where exactly, and other tid-bits, I felt compelled to hug her, and tell her how sorry I am for what she was/is going through.

It is so gut wrenching to witness the direct fallout in the flesh of an innocent person, by the actions of a person you loved so much. I emailed her once after that, and hope she is doing OK.

D-Day spring 2012
Me BS 47
Xcheater 44
One DD 19
Married 23 years
Divorced 12/23/13 Fu*king A!

The cruel, the unkind, those without honor, feast on the tender heart...

Posts: 652 | Registered: Sep 2012
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)

I didnt' care if the married OM was sorry or not. The person I was focused on was my XWW. Was she sorry and remorseful for what she did to me and our family? Was she going to be able to step up and own her shit and make this right? the answer in my case was no which is why she is my XWW now. Whether or not the OM was sorry is irrelevant because if my XWW hadn't been fucking him it would have been someone else.

Honestly if an AP had any shred of dignity they wouldn't fuck someones husband or wife in the first place. The fact that they did it says they aren't sorry to begin with. Regardless though the focus should be on your WS since they are the one that made the vows to you not the AP.

ETA: I will add that it is possible for an AP to own their shit and fix what they messed up. The former WS's on this site show it can be done and many of them were AP's to someone else. It's not an easy road by any means but it can be done and some are truly sorry or can become truly sorry.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 8:40 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]

D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1923 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Member # 28979
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)

In my situation the MOW is not sorry imo. She said sorry but it was more like a kid who got caught with stolen candy. She was pissy and defensive. I believe She only feels sorry she was caught and I exposed her and my wh. She views me as the "bad guy"...she sees herself as the victim. In her own words,"She had a serious but temporary lack in judgement and is the bigger better person because she is over it all and happy"

[This message edited by sunflowergirl30 at 9:09 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]

Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.
Wh-lying, cheater now 37
Me- crazy bs now 38
2 teens and a dog
Mow- married old whore now 50

1st D-day EA w/mow our realtor 4-?-2007, 2nd D-day PA w/ same mow 5-29-2010

Posts: 1109 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Pacific Northwest
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 8:40 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)

No clue, but obviously doubt it. My wife's AP was a swinger with multiple AP's to boot. He just liked to collect trophies to boost his ego. His wife was into the lifestyle too, she just wasn't aware that he had several side pieces in addition to their swinging life. I'm not sure men like him have the capacity for thinking of others. They are just users.

Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 4076 | Registered: Dec 2011
Member # 28979
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)

Every case is NOT the same. Sometimes the AP can claim ignorance because they didn't know you. (They know its wrong to cheat point blank.) Yes it falls on my wh because he made vows to me but...the mow in my situation knew me, knew my children. She set out to invade my marriage. Did I want an apology? No. The one she gave was empty. Her old ass knew better. I feel disgust for her. She saw cracks in my marriage and used info she learned about my family to her advantage. Imo that is some truly sick shit. She saw my wh was broken, and weak. Easy prey. Mow was a BW. She set out to cheat and looked for a married man. A married man who's wife and kids she knew. I could NEVER do that to another woman or family.

[This message edited by sunflowergirl30 at 9:15 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]

Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.
Wh-lying, cheater now 37
Me- crazy bs now 38
2 teens and a dog
Mow- married old whore now 50

1st D-day EA w/mow our realtor 4-?-2007, 2nd D-day PA w/ same mow 5-29-2010

Posts: 1109 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Pacific Northwest
Member # 43242
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)

Oh, hell no! She refused NC for weeks while she sent me email detailing their relationship. Then she sent me an "apology" letter full of slams and insults. However, hearing her mouth the words -- even though I knew they were lies -- helped me somehow, and I was able to start seeing her for the broken, pathetic loser she is rather than as a monster out to get me.

What she IS sorry for is that I outed her to her family. Now she is running around portraying herself as a pitiful victim of my wicked WH. Poor little didems.

Me & WH: 48, married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Status: Living in limbo

Posts: 381 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
Member # 21896
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)

In my case - no OW wasn't sorry (and never pretended to be)

Is it possible? Sure. I just think it's a very small percentage, because to be truly sorry would mean they have to own their shit - and fix themselves. That's hard, which means most people don't do it.

The FWS in the wayward forum are proof that some people can and do - and most the of the FWS were OM/OW -- and I do believe that they are truly sorry.

So yes, I think it can happen, but about as often as it snows in Fl.

In the end -- it doesn't matter. The OM/OW being sorry has no bearing on the WS, their actions, and their choices.

"On the other side of fear lies freedom"

Me - 36 BS
Him - doesn't matter
2 DS
DD 11/08

Posts: 1074 | Registered: Dec 2008
million tears
Member # 24416
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)

What you said brokeninfl. The OW never even pretended to be sorry. She was my friend so she knew I was a good wife and mother and that I adored my WH. I think she loved what she was doing to me. She never attempted to apologize. She was the type to not even apologize to her BH. She blamed him.

2 year LTA-double betrayal, D-day 1-26-2009 and many months of TT. 2 more recent d-days-way overstepped boundaries.

Married 27 years. Together 29.

3 children 24, 21, 14

OW sex addict and romance addict according to MC.

Posts: 1664 | Registered: Jun 2009
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)

I think we as BS feel so much pain that we picture the OM or OW as laughing and enjoying the sex and going away with a precious memory. The fact is that many do regret it with pain in their heart. My FWW is not the kind to regret. In fact, she has said many times that she doesn't regret because it makes her the person she is today. However, I have seen her cry, put her hands to her face and hurt because she knows she hurt me, ruined a friendship with OM and basically destroyed his home. You have to be dead inside to not feel the damage you've done.

BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1412 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Member # 42437
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)

hell no - OW might actually have to have some remorse for her own actions if she were sorry at the present time. That state may eventually change, but for now = from how she's acted and stated in court = she's the victim

I don't believe by the OW's actions she's sorry at all

OW knew WH was married. Also knew I was pregnant at the time... didn't stop her from her taking herself off birth control (which she thankfully put herself back on and maintained so that there's only one OC as WH was too stupid to ever use a condomn hate having to be thankful at the moment I only have one OC due to her "responsibility" in that department)

She actually arranged and my idiot-at-the-time WH agreed to have the two kids on a play date unbenownst to me = I got the pictures sent to me later after she showed up on my doorstep with the excuse she had to talk to my WH "about the OC" (uh, no - you could have confronted only him at work or elsewhere)

Actually wrote she felt bad her "happy ever after" wasn't gonna materialize wow shocker that your happy ever after - since it's based on the destruction of my kids only known universe - might not be the best idea for everyone involved...

oh no = my OW and my WH acted as two messed up, infatuated animals = no thinking involved it was all compartmentalized to keep the pain/pleasure cycle in place. I'm not surprised there is no sorrow from the OW as to me, that would require empathy and questioning - "how could I hurt someone like that?"

"The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

WH is katumus and I am not reading his posts but we talk a lot and working on listening better!

BW 45
WH 46

married 17 years
3 kids

Posts: 224 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Maryland
Member # 28979
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)

The mow in my situation got off on the secrecy. Got off on getting a married man to betray his wife, family "to be with her". Do i think she has great memories about the whole thing? No. But i think she still finds enjoyment in what she took from me.

Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.
Wh-lying, cheater now 37
Me- crazy bs now 38
2 teens and a dog
Mow- married old whore now 50

1st D-day EA w/mow our realtor 4-?-2007, 2nd D-day PA w/ same mow 5-29-2010

Posts: 1109 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Pacific Northwest
Member # 28979
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)

My Wh is/was a OM. He was not sorry for having sex with another mans wife. My wh said he could careless about mow husband and mow didn't care about me. That I was just in her way and taking time with him from her. I think my wh feels sorry for himself. That people know hes the type of guy to not only cheat on his wife but also capable of screwing another mans wife. Selfish and unreal. 4 yrs later and it all still boggles my mind.

[This message edited by sunflowergirl30 at 9:42 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]

Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.
Wh-lying, cheater now 37
Me- crazy bs now 38
2 teens and a dog
Mow- married old whore now 50

1st D-day EA w/mow our realtor 4-?-2007, 2nd D-day PA w/ same mow 5-29-2010

Posts: 1109 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Pacific Northwest
Member # 43756
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)

OW in my situation is sorry, sorry she got caught! She is selfish and self-centered, she cares only about herself and the effect the exposure of the affair had on her. She plays the poor poor me, I am so broken card to her husband.

I initially confronted her two years ago and she lied about their interaction. Stupid me, I appealed to her about my kids etc...she admitted to pursuing my H. She promised to stay away. They did stay apart for 10 months and there were a few more hookups over the last 15 months. Theirs was a "f-buddy" non emotional LTA. No dinners, hearts or flowers, just quickie sex.

Now that the A is in the open, she is gaslighting and minimizing the contact she and my WH had to her husband. He calls me to compare stories, hers are far more pg than WH's version. They are all idiots!!

Posts: 81 | Registered: Jun 2014
Member # 43242
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)

Sunflowergirl raises a great point. How sorry is your own WS for the pain they caused the other BS?

In our case, WH was led to believe that OBH was OK with an open marriage. (OW herself puts this out there, so I believe it.) When I recently learned that OBH may not have been as informed as we thought, I asked my WH how he feels about being an OM, and wrecking someone else's marriage. He says he feels bad because OBH sounds like a decent, honorable guy, but there was certainly no sackcloth and ashes going on there.

Hell, many of the WSs we read about here aren't even sorry for what they did to their OWN marriage! These are just some sick, sad, broken people.

Me & WH: 48, married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Status: Living in limbo

Posts: 381 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)

I know she is doing the 12 steps and I wonder if I will get an amends letter. My guess is probably not.

same here - even got a text asking if she could write the letter to me - I told her to go for it. That was six years ago - no letter.

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 11:00 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]

Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 31 years 9/2/14
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS,2yo GD & 3 mo. GD (DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5136 | Registered: May 2007
Member # 28618
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)

mOM and my WW worked together. He wanted to fuck her. End of story. There was no sorry involved, other than he is a sorry excuse for a human being.

Posts: 357 | Registered: May 2010
Member # 40209
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday)

OW just called me crazy and quickly hung up phone. Then she called W.H. to tell him that I had better not contact her again or else.

Posts: 67 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: CA
Topic Posts: 46