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Reconciliation
User Topic: The biggest trigger - did you conquer it?
Lark
Member
Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 1:59 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)

For those who are well past their ddays and are in R... were you ever able to conquer or move past your biggest triggers?


“It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” - Dumbledore

Posts: 568 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 2:22 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)

I've been able to conquer a LOT of triggers. I think the biggest would be a certain location where my family used to vacation when I was young. I'm actually looking forward to taking it back when I can. It took a ton of time, but slowly I'm getting it all back. Large, mannish blondes with horrendous grammar don't bother me anymore.


If life is just a series of ridiculous attempts to be alive, you're a hero. - J. Winger

Posts: 17544 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
tfkeel
Member
Member # 19517
Default  Posted: 3:29 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)

No, there have been 28 years and 2 wives since DD, but when my wife admires other men, my insides twist into a pretzel and I want to find the nearest Jack Kevorkian franchise.

Posts: 460 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Pennsylvania
morethantrying
Member
Member # 40547
Default  Posted: 3:38 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)

I am working on this now 18 months out.

My biggest trigger is "filing our finances" as that was what I was doing when I found "evidence". I had a hard time today, but after some anguish and misunderstandings we came around how to handle it and others like it as a couple. This seems to help, I think.


Affairs - hard on us both - but love will win.
Me: BS 55
Him: WS 62
Married 32 yrs.
dday TT from 12/2012-2/2013)...

Posts: 291 | Registered: Sep 2013
FixYou71
Member
Member # 42654
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)

T/J...
Large, mannish blondes with horrendous grammar don't bother me anymore


BS: 43
H: 49
Dday #1 Oct 2007 (Porn for 2 yrs)
Dday #2 May 2013 (Porn for 5 more yrs))
Dday#3 May 2014 (finally admitted to drunk kissing OW in 1994: the 2nd drunken kiss with another woman during our M)
DD 21 and DS 17
Married 1993

Posts: 451 | Registered: Mar 2014
Howie
Member
Member # 41922
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)

16 years out now and much earlier, able to manage most triggers.Odd, unpredictable spells of pain/anger still well up from time to time, a "new" feature of my life.The frustration - I can't change what happened. But because I cant change it, I do just move on.Still, I ask myself "what did I do to deserve this?" Answer: nothing. Life goes on. And really, life is good.

Posts: 182 | Registered: Jan 2014
Howie
Member
Member # 41922
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)

16 years out now and much earlier, able to manage most triggers.Odd, unpredictable spells of pain/anger still well up from time to time, a "new" feature of my life.The frustration - I can't change what happened. But because I cant change it, I do just move on.Still, I ask myself "what did I do to deserve this?" Answer: nothing. Life goes on. And really, life is good.

Posts: 182 | Registered: Jan 2014
CelticMomma
New Member
Member # 44187
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)

What did I do to deserve what he did?

That goes threw my mind at least 20 times a day as I'm new and just found out! I am moving and trying to work on things as I have all ducks lined up!
I have so many triggers and refuse to bight my tongue, I talk to him about what I'm feeling when I'm feeling! He knows he deserves what I dish out, he accepts it as my way of working on us.

We didn't do anything to deserve this, we all got put into a bad situation because others didn't think of consequences.

I'm new and I just felt I would drop in and say a few words. I have a long road ahead, I'm glad to see there are people who can get past the betrayal because it gives me hope for my marriage!


Need help with all the abbreviations? Can't find the thread for them.....

Posts: 8 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Philadelphia PA
scaredyKat
Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)

No.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3578 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
stunnedin12
Member
Member # 38141
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)

Not conquered and until he retires, cell phones quit working and computers are obsolete, I'm thinking I'll trigger.


ME - Betrayed Spouse
Him - Wayward spouse
Not sure, but trying I guess.

Posts: 471 | Registered: Jan 2013
SadFlower
Member
Member # 37725
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)

Certain motel chains are still triggers for me. Hampton Inn, Holiday Inn Express, Quality Inn, Comfort Inn, Red Roof Inn... Driving by one will set my stomach lurching.

However, FWH claims that the majority of their trysts were in "no-name" motels in a certain city, different ones every time, several of which were "real dives." It just makes the whole A seem even all the more sordid.

I recently had to book overnight reservations for a short trip we'll be taking in August and finally had to go with a somewhat pricey B&B. Anything that's not a chain, and that's not a dive.


Me: BW, age 66
Him: WH, age 64
Married 19 years
In R.

D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA


Posts: 400 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
2married2quit
Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)

2yrs out and still working on them. Main trigger is going to the location where they messed around. HATE going by there. Some songs just kill me still. I think the mind movies have gotten better.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1348 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Hatemyhusband
Member
Member # 41633
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday)

Well, his lover was heavily involved in our lives bc she was y friend. Triggers? There are thousands but some BIG ones. I'm 8 months out but I took my triggers head on. What do I mean? I went to every place they had sex. Yup, even got a room in the crack motel. Walked in and walked out. Sat in lot
The two beaches they went to. The abandoned home. The cemetary. Her school

Any where I thought I would freak out, I tackled. I hit it head on. Let myself cry and I took the places back. (Some I didn't want) but beaches I did. Screw her and him. No one will stop me from doin or going anywhere

Triggers. None make me cry anymore. The affair pops in my head. I push it out many times. I no longer want to cry. I went three weeks wo a tear and broke pms days. Now I determined to not let this chick take any more time from my beautiful life.


Posts: 320 | Registered: Dec 2013
notanavrageangel
Member
Member # 44154
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)

I am still new here. DDAY #1 was July 4th, when I was contacted by OW spouse telling me my husband was having an affair with his lady. DDAY 2 was when my husband finally admitted to it, just this past Friday July 18th. Its been rough. Lots of highs and lows. I have been having lots of sex with him i think as a way of feeling close to him, and because I want him to see that I can be enough for him. It's sad. I have cried after, and he holds me and cries too. I know he is remorseful. We started therapy yesterday, so I have a positive outlook for the future. I love reading the stories of marriages that become stronger in the wake of the devastation. I already felt like our marriage and communication could be improved prior to this. WH and I both come from broken families an have no good examples of what a marriage should look like. It's slow going I am angry and sad, and I can tell he is sad for what he has done to me, says it wasn't because of me and I didn't deserve this hurt. I saw pictures of OW unfortunately so I get flashes and have had dreams of them being together and woke up crying. It's been rough but we are both committed to building a stronger marriage where this hell could not possibly become a reality again and that gives me hope.


Me: BW, 28
Him: WH, 28
DDAY 7/4/14 TT till 7/18/14

"Reconciliation means working together to correct the legacy of past injustice." - Nelson Mandela


Posts: 205 | Registered: Jul 2014
Rebreather
Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)

Conquered? Eh... I don't let it hinder me from doing what I want and go where I want. Usually I get a little moment of pause, but push through.

I have a weirdness that just started though. Last summer I drove very close to her house, which is a bit over 2 hours away. I didn't realize it at the time, until I was close, then it really shook me up. I'd never been there before. Ever since, I have a desire to go there and look at it. He stayed there with her almost weekly for many months. 98% of me says that I don't care, I'm over it, I'm done, it's pain shopping, don't do it. But that 2% is very vocal in my brain. But what am I gonna do? Drive 2.25 hours and sit there and look at it? Take a crap on her lawn? Bring my two big dogs and feed them fast food and leave them in the car for 2 hours until they have explosive diarrhea on her yard? I don't know why my revenge fantasies all involve poop.

Anyway, other than THIS, I would say I'm pretty well conquered.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6491 | Registered: Jan 2011
DixieD
Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)

My husband was my biggest trigger and yes, I'd say I conquered that.

t/j
@ Jrazz

But what am I gonna do? .... Take a crap on her lawn?

I'd pay to see that.


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
Jrazz
Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)

Ohhhhh Rebreather!


If life is just a series of ridiculous attempts to be alive, you're a hero. - J. Winger

Posts: 17544 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Its Better Now?
Member
Member # 34802
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)

For me it's blue Chevrolet pick ups of a certain year model range (OM's truck). If I meet one in on coming traffic , I have a baby trigger. If one comes up behind me or stops at a red light beside me, major trigger.


OK; It's Brass Tacks Time

Posts: 124 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Lost and Wondering
Lark
Member
Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)

My husband sold his truck, so I think that would've been one of the biggest triggers and am glad we are rid of it. Every time I do see one on the road, though, I feel my stomach turn.

His "thing" with OW1 was the moon. She was moon obsessed. Moon nicknames. Taking daily pictures of the moon. Writing poetry about the moon. When her husband found out and it went to only emotional, it was short stories about the moon. He took pictures of the moon on our family camping trip (to celebrate 5 years married), at Disneyland for our daughter's birthday, and on many other outings when he was out with me and the girls. He had a moon cycle app as the main widget on his phone to show up in the background. Sickly, my children love the moon as well (the baby's first word was moon), and I would take pictures of it and send them to him as a "hey look what your kids are excited about right now." One time, I sent it while he was on his "date" with her, in the middle of them having sex.

How on earth do I even start to try and get past that whether I'm with him or not? It makes me so furious and sick and everything.


“It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” - Dumbledore

Posts: 568 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
ascian
Member
Member # 40304
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)

Almost one year out, and yes. That's not to say that here, in the midst of "affair season" I don't have rough spots or bad days, but they don't rule my emotions now.

I was a bit...aggressive with my triggers, though. I really didn't like the fact that my wife's choices could dictate life-long negatives for me, so I basically stared down every trigger I could. And those I couldn't I talked down with my therapist or with my wife, and continue to do so as things come up.


Me - BH 39
Her - FWW 36
D-Day: 8/13
Working on R

Posts: 299 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
AML04
Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)

Biggest trigger? No, it's OW and he still works with her. I don't see her often but when I do it still pretty much ruins my day. Others that used to be big still trigger me but I can usually push through them. WH texting is hard. Seeing a bunny/fox too (her nicknames for them, they even used emoji's back and forth like bunny/heart/fox, fox/heart/bunny ). Hopefully someday those won't bother me anymore.


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 870 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
Feelthrownaway
Member
Member # 33772
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)

I did :) I honestly can't remember the last time I triggered.


BW- 48
FWH-49
D-day- aug 16,2011
Married 22 years- together 25

What doesn't kill me, scars me.


Posts: 1039 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Down South
Waiting2breathe
New Member
Member # 41720
Default  Posted: 5:23 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday)

I have conquered most of my triggers but the biggest test and trigger for my progress and sanity will come in September. My WH was with the OW on my birthday while I was out of town. I am hoping for the best and not lose it.

Posts: 14 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Third rock from the Sun
SusanR
Member
Member # 29368
Default  Posted: 5:35 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday)

I am about 15 months out from the 3rd DDay and my biggest triggers are "events" and my memory of previous year's events when the A was going on and I didn't know. I am haunted by thoughts of what occurred and my mental attemps to reconcile them in my mind.

[This message edited by SusanR at 5:36 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday)]


Posts: 1943 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Midwest
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 6:24 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday)

If I ever felt like I had to conquer something to stay in a marriage I would leave. I'm not gonna do mental gymnastics to stay here. Triggers are what they are. Feel them, honor why you have them and then they either go away or stick around a while. It gets better with time. If I feel like I can't handle some big ones (seeing the OW) then it's probably time to go. Then again, I might not care or I'll get used to it.
To think that not only did Affairs happen but I have another mountain to climb to get a handle on things - I think it's too much. Why must we twist ourselves into pretzels to stay?



his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's


Posts: 5050 | Registered: Dec 2010
Lark
Member
Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday)

rachelc - I don't really see me conquering a trigger as being about the M, the OW, or my husband at all. I see it as being about me.


“It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” - Dumbledore

Posts: 568 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
Lark
Member
Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday)

Or rather I should say *for* me. I want to figure out how to deal with triggers for my own sanity, for my own moving past. It isn't at all about the M or R or anything being dependent on it. It's about giving myself permission to have control over that aspect again. Probably not the right wording. But yes, I don't see the triggers as being about my H, M, R, or OW at all (phew lots of acronyms)


“It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” - Dumbledore

Posts: 568 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday)

I understand and I'm sure that's the healthy way of looking at all this....


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's


Posts: 5050 | Registered: Dec 2010
redsox13
Member
Member # 43391
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday)

The biggest? No. And I never will I suspect.


BS - 45
WW - 43
In R for 5 years, still hurting but finally letting go

Posts: 260 | Registered: May 2014 | From: nh
1ost0ne
Member
Member # 40202
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, July 24th (Thursday)

2yrs out and still working on them. Main trigger is going to the location where they messed around. HATE going by there. ... I think the mind movies have gotten better.

This is where I'm at. Unfortunately, we still live near her old playground. There are rendezvous spots that even a year out, I have yet to go near, driving miles out of the way to avoid.



“The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”
― Maya Angelou

Posts: 84 | Registered: Aug 2013
plainpain
Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, July 24th (Thursday)

I'm not really sure what my biggest trigger is. Music still has a pretty good chance of making me ill, so I am careful what I listen to. Babies are a trigger, but I am being pro-active in spending time with friends who have babies and that has helped. Young, unwed pregnant women are a trigger. Hearing someone has separated is a trigger. Anything remotely romantic is a trigger.

BUT. My own body is no longer a trigger, and for a long time that was the biggest one. Sex with my H is not a trigger.

For me, a trigger is just what puts me at risk of bursting into tears, vomiting or generally losing control of my thoughts. It would be wrong to imagine I wasn't thinking about it and something happened that just suddenly reminded of some part of the A. It is on my mind 24/7. Always. Every moment of the day. It is a part of who I am now, the same as if my H had died. But it hurts less and less acutely as time goes by. Some triggers faded away, some I have had to face head-on, some I have had to just let wash through me, or lean into the pain. None have been conquered - there is always the potential for a kick behind the knees. But I have not been conquered by them either. I'm still standing and I'm still winning.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 31