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User Topic: Help me with a yellow flag
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 6:37 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday)

I need the collective wisdom of SI to help me evaluate whether a yellow flag is something I should be concerned about.

I recently reconnected with an old guy. Before Dday, my exSO broke up with me so that he could have time alone to think (yeah, I know, red flag ). I stayed single for 4 months, and then met this guy. Right before the first date, I sent him a crazy text telling him that I had to cancel because I wasn't over my ex. He calmed me down, and told me it was just dinner. So I went, and had 3 dates with him. We kissed some, but nothing more than kissing. I was really torn up over the breakup, and kind of felt disgusted being with someone else. Then my ex said he wanted to get back together, and I told this guy. Didn't see him again after that until I ran into him at a restaurant a month ago.

About 2 weeks after I got back together with my ex, a girl that I'm "friends" with told me that she was dating him. Based on the timing, I was worried that he had seen us at same time. So I told her that I had been seeing him too, and she told me that he told her we were just hanging out and he wasn't interested in me. Not exactly true...

So I reconnected with him about a month ago. We were just friends, and he was hanging out with my friends. On Friday, he called me and asked me to go out with him Saturday. I went not really knowing what to expect, and started feeling really attracted to him. Everyone on SI was right---when a guy is interested, there's no guessing. I saw him again on Sunday, and then he came over last night and I cooked him dinner. First kiss last night

At the end of the night, I asked him about what happened with my "friend." He said that he was glad I brought it up, and that he had heard from her that I was "pissed" when she told me that we weren't dating. So, he explained it. He said that he knew I wasn't available because I was hung up on my ex, so he didn't put much effort in pursuing me. He said he knew it wouldn't work out, and he didn't consider us to be dating. He said he started talking to my "friend" around the third date, but didn't do anything with her until after I got back together with my ex. He said that he always hoped he would get another chance with me, and that this time it's only me. He also said that he told my "friend" that we made out, and didn't hide that from her.

So... I know there was no cheating involved since no one was exclusive at the time. But I think it's kind of a jerk move to date friends at the same time. And I worry that he was using me back then. I clearly wasn't ready to date back then, but he was pursuing me and making out with me. And I don't know whether he was completely honest with my "friend" since she said he wasn't interested in me, which wasn't true.

I just don't want to get involved with someone who lies to women in order to get sex or whatever. So, yellow flag to me. But, I'm really interested in him.

I'm also feeling a little paranoid because he's being so great, and I'm not used to it. I wonder if it's fake. He's been calling me on the phone every night to talk. He texts me in the middle of the day to say hello. At a show we went to, he asked a guy to move out of my view so I could see. He carries heavy things for me. He offered to bring me dinner at work when I worked late. He has offered to go with me to get my wisdom teeth out, and take care of me. He said he would find me attractive even with gauze in my mouth, no makeup, and pajamas. I'm just not used to all the affection.

So, am I over thinking this? After I typed it all out, it doesn't sound as bad as it sounded in my head.

[This message edited by Lonelygirl10 at 7:44 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday)]


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1205 | Registered: Jul 2013
WeepingBuddhist
Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday)

It's only been a few dates, total but there is already a LOT of drama with this guy.

An opinion, since you asked--keep moving. You had a nice time and there will be more with other people. You don't need anyone in you life who has this high a level of intrigue after such a short time.


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 603 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
cmego
Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday)

Just give it time and watch his actions.

If you weren't exclusive, then he was a "free agent" and, although kinda odd that he dated a "friend"...how much of a friend is she??

If it is an acquaintance, or a "friend of a friend", then...maybe. A close friend, then that is more of a flag.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4180 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday)

Hm. I multi-date and he may not have known you were friends with the other girl if you met on OLD, so this isn't awful to me, since he knew you were not highly available. His intensity is actually what stands out--this seems like a lot of contact and talking about the future for someone who you only just tarted dating again on Friday. It sounds a bit fast for my taste so maybe just keep an eye on whether he is trying to rush things? I think there is a reason (not just paranoia) that you are wondering if it's authentic. But, then again, maybe the way people date where you are and where I am has different expectations about contact.

I don't think any of this means stop dating him either--just keep connected to your gut, and don't let yourself be swept off your feet if he seems to be trying to overwhelm you with affection. It should definitely grow, but at a pace you're comfortable with.

Keep us posted!


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday)

Multidating when you are not exclusive should be a nonissue. If it bothers you, maybe you should look for a mail order husband.

Sorry; I'm being flip, but really, you only had 3 dates, you weren't ready-in fact YOU were still hung up on your WSO, and you're upset with HIM? You should be a yellow flag for him.

The whole not-dating-friends thing eludes me. I don't see anything wrong with it. I do think it would be tough for the outsider--the friends know each other, know you, and will most likely talk, so you can hide nothing.

[This message edited by Sad in AZ at 8:23 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday)]


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20273 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday)

Oh, nope, I don't care at all about multi-dating. If it was a girl I didn't know, wouldn't think anything of it. But my friend is actually the person that introduced us, so he knew that we were friends. I guess it just seemed shady to me that he was dating friends at the same time, and wasn't telling either of us about the other.

The more I think about it, the more I think I'm making something of nothing. When I asked him about it last night, he told me pretty much the same thing she did. So he didn't try to lie about anything.

His intensity is actually what stands out--this seems like a lot of contact and talking about the future for someone who you only just tarted dating again on Friday.

The intensity has scared me a bit too. If it was a guy I had just met, I would probably run. But I've been talking to him as friends for about a month. He knows all the girls I hang out with, and he's met us out a few times for things like the beach and concerts. I just didn't see him as more than a friend until this weekend. I am going to slow it down some though, and make sure he's real. He's saying all the right things, and I'm wary that he's just a smooth talker. Like, he texted me this morning that he had a great time last night and is in a good mood today. It made me smile, but then I'm also wondering if it's real.

But... I am also insanely attracted to him. I haven't felt this way about anyone since xwSO.

[This message edited by Lonelygirl10 at 9:03 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday)]


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1205 | Registered: Jul 2013
abbycadabby
Member
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday)

So I told her that I had been seeing him too, and she told me that he told her we were just hanging out and he wasn't interested in me. Not exactly true

He said he knew it wouldn't work out, and he didn't consider us to be dating

So. Which one is it? Was he not interested in you at all or was he interested but just not consider you to be dating at the time?

Because if he was interested in you but only told your friend he wasn't then he's lying to her; I'd be wary he's a smooth talker. I would proceed with caution.

If he wasn't interested in you in favor of pursuing her, and his stated excuse is, "but we weren't technically dating, so it's not cheating..." then he's deceiving you now.

Either way, he seems to be a smooth talker, unless I'm missing something.

I don't get the friends sharing boyfriends thing. Ew. Seems like inviting in unnecessary drama.

[This message edited by abbycadabby at 9:14 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday)]


Posts: 1268 | Registered: Feb 2010
Crescita
Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday)

I'd be more curious about what happened with the friend AFTER you dropped out of the picture than any three date overlap. Were they serious at all? Did she see any flags?

Posts: 3441 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday)

So. Which one is it? Was he not interested in you at all or was he interested but just not consider you to be dating at the time?

Because if he was interested in you but only told your friend he wasn't then he's lying to her; I'd be wary he's a smooth talker. I would proceed with caution.

If he wasn't interested in you in favor of pursuing her, and his stated excuse is, "but we weren't technically dating, so it's not cheating..." then he's deceiving you now.

Yeah, this is what is going through my head. I got the impression the first time that he was very interested, and I get the impression this time that he's very interested. The first time, I was the one that stopped things because I wasn't ready to date anyone. This all happened in April 2013.

It's even a little more complicated because the "friend" isn't a great friend. I don't consider her a real friend, but see her every weekend because we have a mutual good friend. She is sort of a mess. I very rarely talk badly about people, but I don't like this girl at all. She introduces me to a new boyfriend about every 2 months, she's very loud, unattractive, and she falls in love within 2 weeks of meeting someone. She always makes it seem like the men are in love with her too, and then they break up like a week later. So I don't know how much I trust what she says.

My gut feeling is either that (1) he lied to her about not being interested in me so that he could date her or (2) he told her we weren't dating (truthfully) and she just assumed things and went with it.

I'd be more curious about what happened with the friend AFTER you dropped out of the picture than any three date overlap. Were they serious at all? Did she see any flags?

I didn't ask him this last night, but I have talked to her about it. They dated for maybe 2 months (if that), and he broke up with her. She said that he told her he couldn't afford to buy her nice things like she deserved, and that was the reason for the breakup. Seems like a fake reason to me. I asked him last night if it was completely over between them, and he said yes. He also said that if my situation had been different back then, he would have pursued me harder and probably never dated her.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1205 | Registered: Jul 2013
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday)

Or she could be lying to you. Eesh.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20273 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Brandon808
Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday)

Based on what you''ve shared this guy likes. Always has.
You went on three dates.
You told him you were still hung on your ex before your first date.
Honestly if a girl tries to cancel our first date because she''s still hung up on her ex I would let her. I wouldn''t talk her out of it unless I really wanted to date her and felt it was my one chance.

Based on what you said about this "friend" I don''t think he told her "I''m not interested in Lonelygirl10". He probably said things didn''t work out or something to that effect. I mean it''s not like this guy kept after you. When you ended it after the 3rd date he sounds like he accepted it in a mature manner, right?

Also, he dated this "friend" about two months before he broke up with her. This sounds like the average amount of time it takes for a guy to really get that this chick is fueled by drama and has issues. So why listen to her?

If the contact with this guy is too much, too soon then talk to him.
I firmly believe he would prefer you come to him sooner rather than let your concerns fester. Some people have a comfort level with high level of contact early on in dating. It just comes naturally too them. They don''t see it as getting too serious. They just see it as more contact. He might be like that. Also, he probably feels you''re ok with how things are going because you haven''t expressed any concerns.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3991 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday)

Thanks Brandon, I hope you're right. Everything you said makes sense.

When you ended it after the 3rd date he sounds like he accepted it in a mature manner, right?

Yeah, he did. He said he understood, and then I didn't hear from him again after that.

I firmly believe he would prefer you come to him sooner rather than let your concerns fester. Some people have a comfort level with high level of contact early on in dating. It just comes naturally too them. They don''t see it as getting too serious. They just see it as more contact. He might be like that. Also, he probably feels you''re ok with how things are going because you haven''t expressed any concerns.

Yeah, I told him last night that I wanted to take things slowly. He sort of invited himself to sleep at my place since the movie didn't finish until 12:30. He told me he had no expectations other than sleep, but I told him to go home. I said that I prefer to go slow and get to know him, and he said that's fine with him. So I guess I'll just go slow and watch what happens. I'm going to have to actually make myself slow down though because I really like him and it would be easy to get swept away.

[This message edited by Lonelygirl10 at 10:35 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday)]


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1205 | Registered: Jul 2013
jagged
Member
Member # 32317
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, July 23rd (Wednesday)

Lonelygirl,

You posted:

I'm also feeling a little paranoid because he's being so great, and I'm not used to it. I wonder if it's fake. He's been calling me on the phone every night to talk. He texts me in the middle of the day to say hello. At a show we went to, he asked a guy to move out of my view so I could see. He carries heavy things for me. He offered to bring me dinner at work when I worked late. He has offered to go with me to get my wisdom teeth out, and take care of me. He said he would find me attractive even with gauze in my mouth, no makeup, and pajamas. I'm just not used to all the affection.

Whatever happens with this guy, please do yourself the favor of NOT considering the above extraordinary, or overly special, or something you don't deserve from ANY man. Raise your standards. Any man worthy of your love and devotion should be easily capable of delivering the above...fairly consistently (we all screw it up, sometimes).

If you expect more of the affection and attention you want and deserve (and give in return, naturally) as the baseline in a relationship, you'll weed out the douchebags and players who pour it on to win you over, and then generally don't show it again until they're in some kind of trouble...


One foot in and one foot back
But it don't pay to live like that
So I cut the ties and I jumped the tracks
For never to return

Posts: 333 | Registered: May 2011 | From: TX
Lonelygirl10
Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday)

Whatever happens with this guy, please do yourself the favor of NOT considering the above extraordinary, or overly special, or something you don't deserve from ANY man. Raise your standards. Any man worthy of your love and devotion should be easily capable of delivering the above...fairly consistently (we all screw it up, sometimes).

Thanks He's just so nice and considerate, and obviously interested in me. After xwSO, I think I automatically suspect foul play when someone is nice to me.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1205 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 14