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Reconciliation
User Topic: Finally have access to WHs accounts but afraid to look
gottabeabiggirl
Member
Member # 44120
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday)

He finally gave me his passwords to a few accounts last week. After I demanded them. He was less than happy about it.

I am afraid to look. I promised him I would tell him when I do. I know he frequently checks what locations have signed in to his accounts on the ones that have that option and he would know if I logged in anyway. It just makes it so awkward for me to call him up and be like, hey I am freaking out and need to look at your fb/email/whatever.

I just feel so guilty, like its such a violation. I am teetering on edge of D right now, very heavily. I never looked in any of his accounts before and feel I have to before I make that decision, as a lot of what I am feeling is based on partial details. He has also friended some new women on his FB, the way he used to communicate with the OW in his EA for years and then to apologize for trying to come on to her in person, telling her he hopes he didn't push her away. Ug I feel so sick. I have to know if in these past few months anything has been said to any other people and if the OW is still his friend on there.

I also know he has a second facebook account he used before he made himself a real one, one he didn't give me access to. I have no idea if he's used it in years and feel awkward bringing up that he didn't write that one down for me and I don't even know what email it's under, just that he has it as he's mentioned his "fake" account several times to me in the past. When I asked him for his account info after trying for almost 3 months to avoid it, one of his defenses was he has "over 50 accounts" and that would be a lot of work to write it all down for me. Well I received 12 accounts. I have no idea what other accounts he is talking about aside from the other fb account.

I don't know what to do. The sheet is sitting in front of me and I feel like I am looking at the most delicious cake ever and on a diet. I know better, know it will not bring anything good to me, but I want it anyway. Do I ask him for the other fb account and what other accounts he was complaining about when I asked?

Damn, I hate this so much.

[This message edited by gottabeabiggirl at 7:16 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday)]


Me - BW 25
Him - WH 35
No kids

Met - early 2006
Started dating - 12/06/06
Moved in together - 02/2007
Engaged - 2/14/13
Married - 10/26/13
DD - 4/24/14
(EA with, IMHO, an attempt to turn it into a PA. OW wasn't interested and told me)


Posts: 72 | Registered: Jul 2014
saturnpatrick
Member
Member # 35989
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday)

I hear a lot of fear and sort of self-hating from you for wanting to look into his business. Maybe you see yourself as a trusting person and not snoopy, nosy, etc. This would definitely challenge your view of yourself.

But then again, how much of this is based on his response? He is acting like it is a huge inconvenience to him to reveal this information to you, and now that he has he is pouting like he has been wronged somehow? Of course you now feel guilty. He's laying it on thick.

You should feel comfortable asking for these things from him. In a healthy reconciliation, your wayward would go out of his way to expose his life to you. He would even encourage you to have this information. You shouldn't even need to tell him when / if you checked. That is not important. What should be important is that you feel safe and secure that you know everything.

This guy is not there. Not even close. If I were you I would look, but the fact he took so long to get this info to you just reeks of him covering his tracks to me.

What really concerns me here though is that it kind of sounds like you feel guilty or something for wanting this information. In a healthy R, you would not be afraid to talk about any subject with him. He would be forthcoming and open and supportive. He is not, and you are turning this back on yourself by thinking you are bad or something for asking for / needing this information.

[This message edited by saturnpatrick at 8:02 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday)]


BH
I typo therefore I edit.

Posts: 196 | Registered: Jun 2012
runningtothrive
New Member
Member # 44135
Default  Posted: 1:17 AM, July 24th (Thursday)

To create trust back in the relationship, your WH needs to give you access to his accounts, especially if they were used in the A. I don't see how trust can be restored without being able to verify NC.

However, please be aware of the emotional distress that will be caused by looking into the affair. I HAD to know everything, so together we looked through his credit card statement. The extent of the betrayal was devastating. I became obsessed with the details of the A, constantly turning anything my WH said back to the A, no matter how benign the subject matter. I spent many weeks, day and night, thinking about the details, going over them in my mind. They created mind movies and triggers that left me unable to get out of bed, sleep being my only relief.

Luckily, the emails were destroyed before the A was admitted. My obsession and insecurity would be far worse if I had access to the emotional part of the A. I'm at the point where I know enough, but I expect that someday in the future I'll be emotionally ready to have the rest of my questions answered.

As hurtful as it was to go through his credit cards statement, his act of doing it together with me showed that he wanted to be truthful and aid in my healing, no matter what it took. He gave me access to all his accounts, which showed me that he wanted to restore the broken trust and also proved NC. Providing PWs, reading How To Help Your Spouse Heal..., reading After the Affair, going to MC, going to IC, etc. are acts of goodwill to show a dedication to the marriage, a desire to right wrongs, and show remorse.


BW - late 20's (me)
WH - late 20's
Married - 2010
DDay - Dec. 2013
NC - Jan. 2014
Giving reconciliation a chance

Posts: 24 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Untied States
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 6:02 AM, July 24th (Thursday)

Since he didn't give them to you right away, he has had time to clean them out. You won't find anything when you look. And, since he doesn't sound remorseful, but is actually pissed that he "has to" give you the passwords, if he is in contact with OW he will give her an account you don't have access too..like that Facebook.

You have to tell him before you look? My response to that? "You didn't tell me before you cheated."

No..not the best response in R. But..he isn't in R with you...or he would have willingly given you those passwords...weeks ago. Im sorry.

New female Facebook friend? If he used Facebook to cheat on you, then Facebook needs to go bye bye.

Too much work to write down all of his passwords and accounts? Honey..R is HARD WORK. And is usually only successful if the WS is proactive in helping heal the damage they've caused. If he thinks writing down some passwords is too much work..you need to read the 180.

I know I sound harsh. Im trying to be gentle. I wish I could give you a big hug right now. He has hurt you in the worst possible way. You deserve to be treated better than this.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7678 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, July 24th (Thursday)

I am sorry, I have to agree with confused here.

I got passwords to all accounts freely when we decided to R.

What made me feel better was the fact that it didn't matter to him if I looked, if I had his information. He never batted an eye.

I looked for a long time and still could if I wanted too. It was a big piece of regaining trust for me.

His defensiveness and holding out before giving the info to you means he is hiding something .... or at the least protecting himself.

Nothing about his actions say R or suggest he cares about your feelings or healing.

IMO you need to see his truth, who he really is. He is showing you in bits and pieces, are you willing to see it?


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3845 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, July 24th (Thursday)

When I asked him for his account info after trying for almost 3 months to avoid it, one of his defenses was he has "over 50 accounts" and that would be a lot of work to write it all down for me. Well I received 12 accounts. I have no idea what other accounts he is talking about aside from the other fb account.

A lot of work? Is he aware how much work R is going to be? I wouldn't bother looking at the accounts he gave you. He gave you 'safe' accounts. What would his reaction be if you told him, the very next time you were both home, to sit down and log into the fake FB account, and the other 37 accounts that he didn't provide?


I don't know what to do. The sheet is sitting in front of me and I feel like I am looking at the most delicious cake ever and on a diet. I know better, know it will not bring anything good to me, but I want it anyway. Do I ask him for the other fb account and what other accounts he was complaining about when I asked?

I agree with saturnpatrick - I hear a lot of fear in your words. It sounds as if you're more concerned with upsetting him and causing problems than you are with your own piece of mind.

If I were you, I would tell him to log into that FB account immediately. Most likely he'll refuse, and then in a day or so he'll give you the password - after he's cleaned it up. That's why I'd immediately change the email and password for the account, and then run the 'account history' option which will give you ALL history, friends, etc. on the account.

I'd also be heavy into the 180. If he thinks providing you piece of mind and transparency is too much to ask, I'd want to start detaching, and quick. His heart is absolutely NOT in this. He's annoyed by your requests. He's provided 12 accounts? Out of 50? No, that's just unacceptable. He's protecting himself at your expense. Is this how you want your life to be? A selfish husband that isn't concerned with your sense of security?

I'd get those accounts, and I'd search each email address provided on Spokeo to see what social media sites each one is affiliated with.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
cvs2kkids
Member
Member # 41298
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, July 24th (Thursday)

^^^^ This.

My STBXWW gave a whole speech on "We need to trust each other.." when we started to R and when I asked to see her phone she threw it at me and pouted again.

As you can see, I found more, with another AP and R was done and D is on the way.

If you have nothing to hide, you hide nothing!


Philippians 4:6-7

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your mind


Posts: 234 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: NB Canada
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, July 24th (Thursday)

The "accounts" that gave me all the details of my H's LTA were the credit card records he had hidden from me. Once I got access to them, I was able to chart out their A on a timeline that included dates, items purchased, and amounts spent on the LTA. As for his FB, e-mail, cell phone, and other accounts, he had erased everything. Credit card records provided from a bank (online is best, but they can send you hard copies too) can not be tempered with by your WS.

Once I had all the information and charted it out, my once WH and I sat down and had a long chat. He had a lot of explaining to do and it provided the beginning of total transparency needed for our healing - remorse on his part and forgiveness on mine.

If you haven't done so already, please get ahold of any credit card records. Now, in my H's case, his A was conducted out of town, thus making it easy to follow the trail with credit card data. But still....you can find restaurants, gifts and flowers sent, cab rides, etc. even if it was pretty local.

Good luck!! And big hugs!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 423 | Registered: May 2014
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, July 24th (Thursday)

Since he didn't give them to you right away, he has had time to clean them out. You won't find anything when you look. And, since he doesn't sound remorseful, but is actually pissed that he "has to" give you the passwords, if he is in contact with OW he will give her an account you don't have access too..like that Facebook.

He's given you the ones he's had time to scrub/sanitize.

I'm sorry hon but he's full of shit.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6808 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Hrtbrken1
Member
Member # 33802
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, July 24th (Thursday)

He was less than happy about it

This is telling you something right here. A truly remorseful wayward would have these for you in a heartbeat, no questions asked. What is he still hiding? He has no room at all to be pissy about these things.

It is not a violation. He broke the trust in your marriage, and instead of trying his damndest to bandage the wound, he's cutting you more. He has 50 accounts? So what. He needs to write them all down. It's no work for him to do that, really. He's stalling to cover his ass, so he can clear out those accounts.

And Facebook? Gotta go. My FWH cut those ties first thing. If he's refusing, it's a big, big red flag.

You are strong, beautiful, and worth an honest spouse! What he is pulling on you just makes me so angry for you. Girl, you are Wonder Woman. This is happening to you, and you're still breathing. Your WS needs to treat you with the respect you deserve, not only as his spouse, AS HIS WIFE, but as another human being.

Collect your thoughts, and make a plan. My FWH is a wonderful man now, but he needed to know I wouldn't put up with the trickle truth any longer. It went on for 3 agonizing months before I just said "Enough. It ends now." I gave him 24 hours to give me the rest of what he was hiding, or I was gone with our kids. He said he could see it in my eyes that I was serious. There was no getting out of it this time for him. No "Now you know everything", because I knew in my gut that it wasn't.

I rarely check his email and phone anymore. I can if I want to, his work email is set up to show on our home computer. He brings me his cell phone if he needs to delete something, just to see if I want to check it. There's no anger, no huffiness, just something he wants to do to make me feel safe.

Reconciliation takes humility on the WS's end. I'm not talking about groveling, or anything like that, but a true humility that they messed up, and would do anything to make you feel safe and secure. He is a long, long way from that. It's difficult work on both ends, and he just isn't acting like a remorseful wayward should. Are you both in IC or MC? It was a lifeline for both of us, and my FWS still goes every 3 weeks. He's got a lot of stuff to work thru still, and it's been 3 years for us.

Please, please do not feel guilty. You do not owe him any explanation, or promises about checking his accounts.


Me-BW
Him-WH
Together 16 years, married 10.
DDay 07/26/2011, 8 month EA/PA with friend of our family. Months of TT.
DDay#2 Early spring 2012, confirmed EA with another woman.

Posts: 144 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Sunny South
gottabeabiggirl
Member
Member # 44120
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, July 24th (Thursday)

Thanks everyone. I know I shouldn't feel so bad about this... Im just so sick to my stomach. I have to look though, I can't take it any longer and be damned if it upsets him.

He still doesn't get it, I thought we were doing better but last night I ruined his day again by being upset. He asked how I was in the morning and I told him, not well, my heart hurts and I was having an anxious day. He spent all day being anxious after that and couldn't sleep because I was upset.

I just feel like something is going on again. Chances are I will never find out but its driving me up the wall not at least checking what I have.

I know when I tell him he is going to freak out and it will ruin the rest of his day and I am sure when he comes home late tonight it will be a horrible night. Thank you all for the support, I feel I may need more very soon.

I had no idea yo could download more history from your FB... thank you sooooooo much for letting me know that feature! I am going to ask for his other account tonight, that he pull it up right in front of me right then. Hopefully it goes ok.


Me - BW 25
Him - WH 35
No kids

Met - early 2006
Started dating - 12/06/06
Moved in together - 02/2007
Engaged - 2/14/13
Married - 10/26/13
DD - 4/24/14
(EA with, IMHO, an attempt to turn it into a PA. OW wasn't interested and told me)


Posts: 72 | Registered: Jul 2014
gottabeabiggirl
Member
Member # 44120
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, July 24th (Thursday)

Much as I expected and everyone else said, everything was "cleaned up".

Even things I knew about before but he didn't know I knew are gone. I asked him point blank about them, he still denies it. Only stuff that is there is stuff he knows I know about.

Not surprised. Just saddened. Pretty sure D is happening very soon. I tried so hard. I am so sad.


Me - BW 25
Him - WH 35
No kids

Met - early 2006
Started dating - 12/06/06
Moved in together - 02/2007
Engaged - 2/14/13
Married - 10/26/13
DD - 4/24/14
(EA with, IMHO, an attempt to turn it into a PA. OW wasn't interested and told me)


Posts: 72 | Registered: Jul 2014
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, July 24th (Thursday)

I'm so sorry. It's going to hurt, and I'm sure you still love him, but that doesn't need to stop you from doing what your head knows is the right thing to do.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6808 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
saturnpatrick
Member
Member # 35989
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, July 24th (Thursday)

I know when I tell him he is going to freak out and it will ruin the rest of his day and I am sure when he comes home late tonight it will be a horrible night.

Do you feel like this is your fault that he is upset? You know he's the one that cheated, right? He brought this on himself.

Take this with a grain of salt because all I have to go on is what you have written here, but it kind of seems like he punishes you if you upset him or do something he doesn't like.

Simply: You do good and don't upset him, he's pleasant. You do bad and upset him, now he's pissy and angry and you ruined his day. This sort of reward system is a subtle form of control and not good.

Yes, we can do things that upset other people. Normal people get upset when other people do things that are out of line or hurtful. You are doing things that are acceptable, expected and necessary if you choose to R, and in no way hurt him, but he's making a big stinking deal about it because he doesn't like it. See the difference?

I know you want things to work out, but this guy just seems like bad news.

[This message edited by saturnpatrick at 5:52 PM, July 24th (Thursday)]


BH
I typo therefore I edit.

Posts: 196 | Registered: Jun 2012
Topic Posts: 14