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Reconciliation
User Topic: Is moving away, running away?
RomanticInnocenc
Member
Member # 43041
Frustrated  Posted: 1:54 AM, July 25th (Friday)

Living in our town these days feels like living in a prickly bush. There are whole parts of the town that trigger me, because they are 'her' side, or there will be a place where wh and I were during the affair, such as the venue for his Christmas party last year, where he was so kind and loving to me, and yet going to the bathroom to text with her. That when I pass them just trigger me. It's weird, because WH and I have done the affair tour, I have been to every place they carried out their immature dalliance and those places really don't hold a whole lot of power for me any more, they are sad places but they are just places, and yet half a town now makes me feel sick when I have to go that side. What is up with that?

I don't avoid going there, I feel that would make it worse, but it doesn't seem to be getting any easier.

So WH and I are considering moving if he can find a job that can still allow me to be a SAHM. We are wondering if the fresh start could really help us to move forward. So far he has done everything I have asked for and more and I believe (as much as a BS can) that we are both deeply committed to R.

So my question is, are we just running from our problems? A move would by no means fix our marriage and the A wouldn't go away, but being somewhere that wasn't full of daily reminders might be helpful. New house, new town, new perspective?

Has anyone moved away and found it helped, or did they regret it? Am I just kidding myself? Any advice, perspective etc is welcome!


Me: BS 31
WH: 29 (theseseatsRtaken)
DS: getting close to 1
Together 10 years, married 2.
DD1: 8th of Jan 2014
DD2: 10th of Jan 2014
NC: 8th of Jan
In hopeful R!

Posts: 326 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
Hatemyhusband
Member
Member # 41633
Default  Posted: 5:33 AM, July 25th (Friday)

My kids are older and thriving in this town. I couldn't do it. Plus I have an awesome job w four min commute. She's few streets away. Our kids are in same school, grade, with many same friends. Their 2 yr A makes my entire day a possible trigger. She avoids me as I did not tell her H or kids.

Would I move? Not sure if I had a baby. I'd really consider it but ONLY if u don't have family close, don't luv ur town, and there are other positives to moving besides trigger avoidance

I'd probably give it a year. You seem like DD was recent. See what you think then

Your same emotions will occur. You have to feel them not surpress.


Posts: 357 | Registered: Dec 2013
NoGoodUsername
Member
Member # 40181
Default  Posted: 5:47 AM, July 25th (Friday)

Wayward here. I hope that you don't mind the reply.

Is taking your hand off of a hot stove running away? Is not standing on the ant hill running away? Maybe, but that doesn't make it a bad thing.

My BW and I moved to a completely different part of the country and it has helped a lot. It changed our environment, removed a lot of associations and let us get a lot of things out of our lives that weren't good for us. We now have new activities that don't have an association with my A or our previous lives.
Moving was good for both of us. It wasn't a magic fix by any stretch of the imagination, but it has helped a lot.


Me: WH
Her: BW
Dday 7/11/13
"May you be protected from hearts that are not humble, tongues that are not wise and eyes that have forgotten how to cry."

Posts: 252 | Registered: Aug 2013
Putto
Member
Member # 38261
Default  Posted: 6:26 AM, July 25th (Friday)

I've wondered the same thing often.
The majority of WH's affair happened during our college years and during his first job out of college that he relocated to another state for. I am a person who associates strongly a physical location to memories, and the smells, sounds etc of that place can make those intense feelings come flooding back.
Although that little town he relocated tomorrow that first job was very sweet and lovely, I am very grateful to not have to go back there ever again since he has moved back here. It was gorgeous but I know it will always cause a dull ache for me.
We are in a position where we may need to move again, and I'm looking forward to it because not only would we have the opportunity to once again put space between us and more places that hold memories of deceit and secrets, but we will be able to work as a team when we move. Settling into a new community and getting used to a new life.


I don't say much but I lurk around a lot. Thank you for baring your souls here, you've said the words I couldn't find and you've helped me heal more than I can say.

Me - BS
Him - FWS, serial long term EAs


Posts: 71 | Registered: Jan 2013
karmahappens
Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, July 25th (Friday)

I so wanted to move. The OW was our friend, we live in a small town. After the A it seemed I would see her everywhere.

There wasn't a place my husband and I went for dinner, drinks, fun that wasn't tainted by their affair.

There is something to be said about not jumping into anything for a while.

We were unable to move due to a financial obligation. I had to wait at least 3 years. I thought I would die in that time. I imagined packing up the house and moving so far away it couldn't touch us and would give us a new start.

Because we had to wait I had no choice but to heal and deal with the memories and triggers. I took back our places, we made friends with a new group of people and now 7 years later (even before this) I couldn't imagine moving. This is my home, I have been here my entire life. (although we are considering a move within our town, not A related)

The memories don't haunt me. I don't know if we had moved if I would have dealt with the triggers revolving around our town. Would I dread coming back here or would I have healed through it?

Either way, if you decide to stay or go, just know that staying, while it seems too painful, does get better and eventually your home will become yours again.

It's a personal choice, but I would not consider it running away.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3846 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
brokensmile322
Member
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, July 25th (Friday)

I have moved with my husband several times for his job pre A. Every time it was a fresh start. There is something very cool about being somewhere and you don't know anyone…you can be who you want etc…

Your son is young which is also a bonus. My kids are in the middle years to late years of school. To move them now, would be devastating. I am not sure what I would do now, but my WH's A was not in our area.

That being said, having moved several times, if you do decide to move, make sure you will love where you live. There were some places we loved and others we were happy they were temporary. If you have close relationships with your families, never underestimate being able to drive to see them. Holidays get very lonely, even when neighbors and friends include you in their own celebrations, watching other families getting together. Flying gets old and expensive. I think it can be a good thing-just choose wisely.

Hugs!

[This message edited by brokensmile322 at 7:57 AM, July 25th (Friday)]


Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."


Posts: 1546 | Registered: Jun 2012
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, July 25th (Friday)

I think if you BOTH look at it as a fresh start it could be great.
My husband took his OW to about 15 places over this town... it's gotten better, except for the place where I caught him with OW2. But that place is easily avoidable.
I just can't stand seeing them. At IC two days ago she told me when I am done grieving and have healed I will be able to sit across the table from these women with not much emotion. Hard to believe but that's what she said.
That has kind of happened with all the triggers around town.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5283 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
brokendancer7
Member
Member # 39911
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, July 25th (Friday)

I don't see it as running away, but more as moving toward something new. There are so many people and places associated with H's affairs and poor boundaries over the years. I am always wondering which of our friends and acquaintances were witness to H's activities. He took O women to many of the places I used to like to go. He screwed both PA OW here at our house. It's time to get out of here if we are ever going to successfully R.

There are new places to see, new people to meet, and new things to do. Moving away will allow us to do this.


Me: BS - 58
Him: WS - 56
Married 34 yrs

Latest DD - April 2013, PA


Posts: 197 | Registered: Jul 2013
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, July 25th (Friday)

Dear RomanticInnocence, I love what brokendancer7 said - It is not running away; it is moving toward something new.

My FWH carried on his A in another city (where he constantly traveled on business). But, I'll tell you, when we went there recently, there were so many triggers. I completely froze at the train station, seeing the line that I knew he took to be with her when his business was concluded. I mean, I could not move and wanted to throw up.

So, I completely understand and support getting a new start and distancing yourself from those nasty triggers. I realize that not everyone can do it - for financial or other reasons. But if you can, go for it!! You deserve it.


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 423 | Registered: May 2014
sohurtbyhim
Member
Member # 33057
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, July 25th (Friday)

We moved away - not because of the A, but because of WH's job transfer and to be honest, it was the best thing that could have happened to our marriage.

Everything was new and nothing here reminded me of the affair except for him (but since I decided to stay with him I have to learn to live with that and Red Lobster, but I avoid passing that place as much as I can)

WH never lived anywhere but our hometown. His entire family is there. His mother is nice, but wants "her boys" (husband and 3 sons) to cater to her. She's the type who is happiest when we are there 24/7 and even that wouldn't be enough. That affected our marriage in so many negative ways - one example would be holidays. We were expected to be there EVERY HOLIDAY. If we weren't, she made WH feel guilty. There were times I'd insist on spending a holiday with my family and she called us and told us to get to her house and of course WH did. Over 30 years, we couldn't establish any traditions of our own. There are so many ways that she tried to control us.

Moving has allowed my WH to see another side of things and he says he likes it. He likes getting away from old habits and being able to do whatever we want to, whenever we want to. He seems to have grown up in so many ways.

Prior to my getting sick, we were having the time of our life. (At least in some areas)

Of course for us, we had to move for his job and our children were adults and living elsewhere, so we didn't have those ties.


Me - BS
Him - WH
Married 30 Years
D-Day #1 August 17, 2010
D-Day #2 October 19, 2010
D-Day #3 February 12, 2011

Posts: 305 | Registered: Aug 2011
runningtothrive
New Member
Member # 44135
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, July 25th (Friday)

My WH and I have talked about moving away as well, but I'd be leaving the city I grew up in, all my family, my friends, and the part that really angers me is that I'd be letting her have the space that's mine. This is my hometown, my neighborhood. I'm not going to let her have my husband's money, attempt to ruin my marriage, and also give her my city.

I know the feeling of walking around your town feeling afraid, unwelcome, like you don't belong. Going down a street or walking into a place scoping out your surroundings to make sure she's not there. Your heart skipping a beat when someone who resembles her walks by. That the space you felt comfortable in is no longer yours. Running simple errands becomes a task filled with fear. But then I realized that if she showed up to the same place I'm at, she has way more to be afraid of than I do. I don't know how I'll react if it ever happens, but I'm not going to walk around in fear. She is and has nothing. I can walk my own city with my head held up high again.

Having overcome that challenge, I still don't know how to face those places he went with her. We drive past the office they used to work in together and a hotel they stayed in together every week for MC. These places are starting to have less of an affect on me because now I have my husband by my side. Together we're creating new memories, in new places around town as well.


BW - late 20's (me)
WH - late 20's
Married - 2010
DDay - Dec. 2013
NC - Jan. 2014
Giving reconciliation a chance

Posts: 29 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Untied States
seethelight
Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, July 25th (Friday)

No.

If you need to move to get away from triggers and to heal, then do it.

I am considering relocating too. The gossip is too humiliating and there are too may place triggers.


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1392 | Registered: May 2014
sisoon
Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, July 25th (Friday)

JMO -

Whatever it is, the key is whether or not moving will help you both heal. Sometimes fight is best, sometimes flight.

BUT...

Moving isn't magic.

Your pain is in you, and you'll have to deal with it wherever you are.

Your H's effed-up-ness is in him, and he has to solve it no matter were he is, if you want to R into a good M.

It costs a lot to buy and sell a house or break a lease., and moving expenses are significant.

The A is a big trauma. A new job is a big trauma. Moving to a new location is a big trauma. Two of those traumas are optional for you, at this point.

It's still early in your healing journey. Take your time in making this decision.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10383 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, July 25th (Friday)

What sisoon says is so true.

Your pain is in you, and you'll have to deal with it wherever you are.

A new job is a big trauma. Moving to a new location is a big trauma.

We moved to a new city about two hours away, and we thought it was not going to be that big of a deal. Boy were we wrong. It took us nearly 8 months to get back on the same page and prior to that we had been doing fairly good. We were almost a year and half in R. The adjustment for my H in his new job was a big stress, the adjustment for me being away from our kids was a big stress and it was a stress for them, as it was the first time that we weren't five min down the road. It was a lot of stress that we weren't counting on place on an already fragile M. We did get through it, but we didn't like each other for awhile, lol. Now we like where we live, still miss the kids.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5077 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, July 25th (Friday)

I think that if moving is a way for the WS to make some amends and for some triggers to be removed for the BS, then they should.
But I would assume the same issues would need to be worked on in the marriage no matter where a person lives...

I think many BS demanded a move, especially if the AP works with the WS.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5283 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
RidingHealingRd
Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, July 25th (Friday)

6 months post Dday our home was up for sale, the moving van was packed, my WH resigned his job and secured a new one 1600 miles away, and we headed out in our vehicles for a 1600 mile journey to a new life. A life free of so many triggers, a life free of MOW coworker, a life free of constant reminders and eternal sadness.

There was no way I was staying. I told my WH I was leaving with or without him and I was not going to wait long so he best get his ass in gear and find another job.

Moving was THE BEST THING for our recovery. For me remaining would have been a life sentence and I was not willing to live like that.

I have absolutely NO regrets. Life is so much better when lived free of 99% of A triggers!


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2123 | Registered: Nov 2011
ScarlettA1
Member
Member # 43533
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, July 25th (Friday)

We are considering moving also. The triggers and people who know is such a big deal. The APW if telling everybody in the neighborhood her story. Unfortunately, my AP lied to her about everything and made me sound like the biggest slut. It's awful and really horrible for my husband. I'm hoping we can move in the next year and make a fresh start. My BH deserves it and I don't want my kids to suffer. They're little, but people can be so cruel. I wish you the best and hope it works out. I think being away from as many triggers as you can is a great thing!


Be Wise, Be Kind, Be True

WW 47(me)
BH 49
dday 3/19/14
11 mo EA/PA


Posts: 51 | Registered: May 2014 | From: United States
RomanticInnocenc
Member
Member # 43041
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, July 25th (Friday)

Thank you all so much for your posts. It's so good to know that at least from the outside the idea of moving isn't ALL about running anyway.

Runningtothrive you really described for me what I feel like when we are in this town. WH and I will go on dates and I am constantly scanning, wondering if tonight will be the night we run into her. Luckily WH never took her to restaurants or motels or anything so in terms of going out and about the cbd there are no issues other then the fear of running into her. I've never met her so I don't know exactly what she looks like so it would be a surprise and this girl has absolutely no remorse for her part in the hell I am now in so it wouldn't surprise me if she felt above me, having got all the ego kibble from a man who was married and expecting! Plus no one else knows about the affair so there is this constant fear of her approaching me when I am with family or friends.

The house we live in atm we moved into whilst WH was in the affair, so there are no memories tied to here that are non affair related which makes being home hard. The house is my mother's and we pay cheap rent, so whilst it would be hard money wise to leave and pay more rent, we also don't have a bond here which helps a little.

I'm still very torn, I used to love this town but it feels unbearable to live here with her and have all these memories that they share right under my nose every day. We have moved around a fair bit in the past 10 years so it's not like we have firm roots here and as lots of you have mentioned my son is young enough to not be affected.

I'm not in an immense hurry, as in the decision will be weighed not just rushed into for the sake of getting out of here. The opportunity that has arisen may not even be something worth considering yet or be a firm offer, but it's in a town 40 minutes away which brings us closer to WH's family and my sister, whilst taking us away a bit from my mother. But even that would be a small relief, less pretending that everything is ok and listening to how much my husband loves me etc.

Lots to consider! Thank you so much for all the perspectives and experiences.


Me: BS 31
WH: 29 (theseseatsRtaken)
DS: getting close to 1
Together 10 years, married 2.
DD1: 8th of Jan 2014
DD2: 10th of Jan 2014
NC: 8th of Jan
In hopeful R!

Posts: 326 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
plainpain
Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, July 25th (Friday)

So very glad that we moved. You can't ever run from the problems, that is absolutely true. But you can run from the things that distract you from figuring out and dealing with the problems. We did the scorched earth thing. It wasn't a "fresh start" or running away - although I know that's what people think. Truthfully, it was about escaping from a very twisted web so we could see more clearly, and intentionally deal with the healing intensively. I cannot imagine that our marriage would have survived if we had stayed and tried to go about life as usual. I know it wouldn't have.


Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
OW:21
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 807 | Registered: Jul 2013
RomanticInnocenc
Member
Member # 43041
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, July 25th (Friday)

Thanks plainpain, I think you put into a sentence what I haven't been able to articulate properly yet.

The triggers of the place we live is like a distraction from our healing. When we leave town and go away, even if it's just for the day, it's not like we don't talk about the affair, or it doesn't come up, or issues in our marriage aren't addressed, but at the same time there isn't a constant picking at the scab trying to form. I'm able to relax a little and let my guard down. We can work on us being stronger as a couple instead of dealing with the constant need to drive past our old street where he met her at our house just after we moved out of it. The place we shared our first wedding anniversary, created our son, he met her there to comfort her from a fight she'd had with her maybe boyfriend. All they did was hug there but it feels so violating, even to this day still.

Obviously these things won't just disappear if we were to move, but surely the daily reminders being removed of how much of an arse my WH was would help me to start focusing on the very real changes he is making.


Me: BS 31
WH: 29 (theseseatsRtaken)
DS: getting close to 1
Together 10 years, married 2.
DD1: 8th of Jan 2014
DD2: 10th of Jan 2014
NC: 8th of Jan
In hopeful R!

Posts: 326 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Australia
Topic Posts: 20