SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Divorce/Separation
User Topic: My daughter has seen his porn
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Shocked  Posted: 2:08 AM, July 28th (Monday)

It is midnight here, and I just had a heartbreaking conversation with my daughter. She's seen his porn. Her words, "I'm mentally scarred, Mom!" She was shaking. I thought she would vomit. She has seen it and been keeping this a secret because she was afraid she would get in trouble.

God help me.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9714 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Phoenix1
Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 2:13 AM, July 28th (Monday)

Oh NG! I am so sorry you and your kids have to deal with such a sick fuck! There is a special place in hell for that pervert!

((NG and kids))


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1137 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:21 AM, July 28th (Monday)

We all knew this would happen.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9714 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Phoenix1
Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 2:29 AM, July 28th (Monday)

We can only hope a sinkhole opens up and swallows his sick ass before he inflicts any further damage!


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1137 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
heartbroken_kk
Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 2:29 AM, July 28th (Monday)

OH EM GEE ((((Nature Girl)))) ((((NG DD))))

She needs eye bleach!

Pink Elephants!

Anything to replace that which cannot be unseen.


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1203 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:32 AM, July 28th (Monday)

I didn't think my blood could run any colder than it has during all of this discovery. I just found out that there is a level of cold, murderous fury in my soul I didn't know existed. Oh my God, this is quite the sensation, folks. Oh God...


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9714 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 2:42 AM, July 28th (Monday)

So, the parenting evaluation we're bound by says that if the children are exposed to porn then my ex has to have a mental health intervention and his parenting time reduced.

How do I go about this? I'm assuming my attorney won't help me because I'm so much in debt to him already.

I truly feel like ice right now. It is interesting to experience this as an emotionally healthy (I know that's subjective! LOL) person. All the discoveries of the past I've been so shattered. This time I feel integrated and calm, but deadly cold.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9714 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
dmari
Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 2:49 AM, July 28th (Monday)

I do not have the right words for you. Sorry is just not enough. Please please please let's all put our heads together and offer suggestions to see how we can support NG since she may not be able to use her attorney.

Can you inform your attorney? At least you can say you did inform him/her. Perhaps he/she will be obligated (regardless of debt) to send a report or something.

Can you take her to her doctor to document what she shared? She may also be obligated to inform CPS?

Does she have a therapist? Or school counselor?

I am sure you have reassured her that she absolutely did the right thing and that she would never get in trouble for telling the truth. NG, I hope it is ok that I keep you in my thoughts and prayers.


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2234 | Registered: Oct 2012
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 3:02 AM, July 28th (Monday)

Yes, I already sent an email to my attorney to tell him about this. I also asked him for a referral to someone else who could help me if he is unable to do so due to my inability to pay.

The amazing counselor we were seeing is no longer available because we cannot afford him because we lost our health insurance.

I will put a call in to our pediatrician. She might have some ideas.

Of course school is not in session for the summer, and there is no counselor there for problems of this magnitude.

Yes, I assured my sweet baby that this wasn't her fault. She knows it, but she also knows she shouldn't have seen what she's seen. She feels so ashamed and sick. I shared with her that her dad has a problem and that this is part of it. I also told her that this is one of the big reasons why we're divorced. I could see the light bulb finally click on in her eyes.

Oh my poor baby.

And based on what she described to me, she has also seen him masturbating at the computer during parenting time.

[This message edited by Nature_Girl at 3:03 AM, July 28th (Monday)]


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9714 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 3:11 AM, July 28th (Monday)

I have her Nook. His internet searches & YouTube views are showing up in her internet history (their accounts are linked). God Almighty.

She is only 11-years old, people. Eleven.

[This message edited by Nature_Girl at 3:12 AM, July 28th (Monday)]


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9714 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 4:21 AM, July 28th (Monday)

Call CPS. There would be others in the same boat as you. If not I'd be calling every fucking TV station and newspaper in the country to tell the story about how fucked up the system is and how it is letting you and your children down.

He is in breach of your agreement - you can't enforce it without paying legal fees. That is so fucked I can't even breathe.

People like this need to be hung, drawn and quartered. I don't even have words.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5578 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
FinallyHappy
Member
Member # 308
Default  Posted: 4:58 AM, July 28th (Monday)

If there is underage porn..call the police. Immediately.

Even if it's just 'ordinary porn' (not that I know what that is) on her computer. Call. the. police.

She's 11 and asking for help, right? There's no way she put that shit on her computer.

Maybe the police can do something your court system can not???

Maybe PM SWAT or some other SI cop guy/gal.

I know the judicial system has let you down.

I don't know how he has visitation without you knowing his address....but I hope you don't let him get away with this yet once again.

{{{{{{{{NG}}}}}}}}

[This message edited by FinallyHappy at 5:15 AM, July 28th (Monday)]


"Be civil to all; sociable to many; familiar with few; friend to one; enemy to none."

~Ben~

Posts: 7338 | Registered: Jul 2002 | From: WI
hemademesingle
Member
Member # 21281
Default  Posted: 5:19 AM, July 28th (Monday)

Please contact child protective services, you need to protect your children,the laws very so much, but what he has done could very well be chargeable offenses in your state, at least get supervised visitation, he should never be left alone with a child, any child not just his own

I understand your rage, I'm there too, only my story is years after the fact, my daughter has just come forward with the fact that she is a survivor, she saw porn at a young age, that her dad masturbated in front of her, and the worse at this point that he had her perform oral sex on him, my baby suppressed her memories, she was a scarred little girl, who is now a young woman that is coming to terms with what was done to her,

My daughter didn't start to release her memories until after she had EMDR therapy which was suggested by her counselor

Your daughter needs to have counselling, she needs to be able to process what has happened in a healthy way. What about the younger children, what might they have seen, that they don't know how to process,

I wish I could go back 10 years to when my daughter was being abused, the end would have been so much different then it is now,I would have had sick creature prosecuted, never to have unsupervised access to my children, or any child, but here I am waiting to find out when and if the police are going to charge the sick creature,historical cases are very difficult to prosecute they say, they don't want it disclosed to sick creature that he is being investigated


Posts: 385 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Canada
hopefulfourus
Member
Member # 25204
Default  Posted: 6:13 AM, July 28th (Monday)

WOW! My heart breaks for you and your daughter. Childhood should be a time of innocence. What a PIG!

I agree with the advice given so far. You can also contact CPS yourself and provide them with this information. They will send someone out. At least this would be documented and would not cost you anything.

((((Hugs))))).


Me: BW. 40's
Him: WH POS. 40's
2 kids. DD16, DS14

Don't let my user name fool you...I am NOT hopeful for us at ALL!!


Posts: 62 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: New York
vcr1995
Member
Member # 22106
Default  Posted: 6:14 AM, July 28th (Monday)

Definitely report it to any and everyone until you find someone to help. It sounds like he is grooming her.

Posts: 298 | Registered: Dec 2008
Kajem
Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, July 28th (Monday)

((((((NG)))))) (((((((((DD))))))))

Call the awesome therapist and explain the situation then ask what you should do? Awesome therapist may gift your DD a session or 2 to help her. The worst thing therapist will do is refer you someplace else. But you will have guidance in ways to navigate this for your baby.

More hugs coming your way.
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5162 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, July 28th (Monday)

I'm so sorry, NG.

A couple of suggestions: did dd11 disclose any of this to the IC she was seeing? You may be able to call her previous IC and explain the situation and perhaps he will agree to work with her and allow you to pay on a sliding scale (or at a highly-reduced rate).
OR -- have you checked into any of your local DV resources? Counselors or pro-bono L's may be available through that avenue.

What I'm thinking is that what your daughter saw may be a *mandatory report* issue for a counselor, and so if his actions are reported as a criminal-type act, *the system* might be able to do the bulk of the work for you (even though I know that *the system* has failed you in the past).


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8034 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, July 28th (Monday)

What I'm thinking is that what your daughter saw may be a *mandatory report* issue for a counselor, and so if his actions are reported as a criminal-type act, *the system* might be able to do the bulk of the work for you (even though I know that *the system* has failed you in the past).
I'm hoping this is the case, for you, too, Nature! I'm hoping that it's criminal and you will work with a DA's office and not have to pay your divorce attorney. Please read Teeghan's threads though, if you haven't, because dealing with them seems to be a whole different ball game.

I am sick to my stomach over this! Your poor baby!!

I would definitely call the previous counselor and let them know that you need help. Tell them what has happened. If they won't see you on a sliding scale (I hope like hell they will!!), they can recommend someone. If it was me, I'd call ALL previous counselors and run things by all of them. Some may not respond, but maybe one or two will have some ideas about where to go next. Definitely speak with someone at the domestic violence shelter, too.

Hugs to all of you!!!!!!! You'll all be in my prayers!


Posts: 1266 | Registered: Aug 2010
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, July 28th (Monday)

Surely him exposing himself to hid dd1 and letting her see him wanking would be illegal?


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - Susp EA 'The Baker'
COW - EA/PA 'Fat Bottomed Girl'
COW - Susp EA 'MiniMe'

Posts: 1022 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, July 28th (Monday)

Aawww NG.... I'm so sorry. Everyone else has already given great advice, so I am just sending hugs and to let you know you aren't alone....my SA fucked up asshole ex-mate has also hurt so many young children it isn't funny.

Counseling would be really helpful for your young ones, if you can't afford it and have no insurance...what about a county or state clinic that has a sliding fee scale?


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15245 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, July 28th (Monday)

OMG N_G!!
Your poor daughter!

Please take screenshots/photos of the stuff you can see on her Nook. If he figures out where she's able to see it, he'll scrub it clean.

Save your evidence. You're going to need it to get this POS away from your kids without supervision.

Good gawd.... ((( NG and kids )))


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - ??

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6459 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Exhausted in OH
Member
Member # 34340
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, July 28th (Monday)

I am a pediatrician. Most metro areas have a Child Advocacy Center, a multidisciplinary group set up to deal with sexual abuse issues. Most children's hospitals have one. Also, go to nationalcac.gov and search for one near you. Or please PM me and I will happily research someplace to get your kids help.

[This message edited by Exhausted in OH at 9:25 AM, July 28th (Monday)]


BS 42(now 45), WH now 46
Married 15 (now 18!), together 22, 3 great kids - 15, 13, 10
DD Sept 2011 - 4mo PA; on DD also admitted to ONS in 2007
R going well
And now I realize...- Me OEA - old college friend
No longer exhausted nor in OH

Posts: 436 | Registered: Dec 2011
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, July 28th (Monday)

I apologize if I have you mixed up with another member, but didn't you say in the past that he was grooming your children? That he was masturbating while holding your dd when she was an infant...and that the physiological evaluation you had done on him showed he had a sickness for little girls?

If so, I'm sure you must realize this goes far beyond "just" finding his porn. He has been seen jacking it in front of your dd..She saw him..and knew what he was doing...and the porn he watched was found on HER nook? So he knew she would see it.

I'm sure you have had the same thoughts as I have. I'm very scared for your babies.

(((((((((((NG and kids)))))))


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7497 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, July 28th (Monday)

You are correct. Yes, he was masturbating while holding a baby - this daughter, in fact. Yes, he has been grooming the girls for sexual activity for many, many years. The psychological evaluation determined that he has severe, long-standing character deficits, but he refused to take the sexual component of the exam so we do not have documentation about his sexual preference. However, based on the massive porn I found in the house for years as well as the actual evidence I submitted to the evaluator, his particular interests include young pubescent girls. Which is exactly what eleven-years old is. This particular daughter is the very epitome of what he finds sexually desirable.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9714 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, July 28th (Monday)

Oh, (((((NG and DD))))) I have no words.

I wish I did.

I do have a shovel.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8728 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, July 28th (Monday)

Left a message at the local CAC. Thank you for that suggestion. SO, I have messages in at my attorney, pediatrician, child/family counselor, church, and the CAC.

Here is my obligatory soapbox speech that you knew was coming: Porn is not victimless. It hurts people. It hurts our society. And if you have a sex addict as a spouse you need to divorce them ASAP and go into debt, if necessary, to get psychological testing to prove they are sick and a danger to your children. There is no safety when it comes to a sex addict and young children.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9714 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Gemini71
Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, July 28th (Monday)

CPS and the police. That's all I have to recommend. I hope and pray the law will protect your girls.

I completely understand the cold rage. Remember, he's not worth the consequences of acting on those feelings.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1798 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
Myname
Member
Member # 23138
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, July 28th (Monday)

I'm actually sick to my stomach reading this. I haven't followed your story super closely but I know the basics of what's gone on.

I'm so sorry. I'm so angry for you. I wish I could do something to help you. I can't imagine what you are going through.

((((()))))


DD: 1-14-09 EA/PA OM #1
TT: 5-11&12-09
DD#2: 5-18-09 EA OM #2
5-31-09: Told me she hasn't loved me.
No kids
Me BH: 38
12-08-10: S

Posts: 3042 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Inside your computer.
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, July 28th (Monday)

I've been saying here for a couple of years now that the family court system does NOT help you prevent child abuse. They only seem to care after the fact, after the abuse has happened and your child(ren) is damaged. Well, it's happened now, so I'm hoping that the system will work for me and help me help my kids.

However, based on the research I've done over the years and the advocacy groups which now exist, my gut tells me that I'm going to be the one who loses custody because I'm reporting this.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9714 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
FaithFool
Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, July 28th (Monday)

Oh NG, I'm horrified.

Cold murderous rage would be perfectly justifiable at this point. I'm so sorry for you and your babies.

What the fuck is wrong with people?


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17413 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
jo2love
Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, July 28th (Monday)

(((((NG & kids)))))

Your poor, sweet DD. I am so sorry. I hope the system steps up to the plate and does what is right.

FTG!!!


Posts: 35402 | Registered: Mar 2011
betrayedfriend
Member
Member # 19785
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, July 28th (Monday)

Many prayers and hugs for you and dd NG. I've been terrified of this day since you started posting. I can't do much other than pray hard and send you strength, but know this, if I could take him out of this world, I would do it In a heartbeat.


I originally joined SI as a way to help my best friends find ways of coping with infidelity, but now infidelity has touched my family much closer to home.

Posts: 867 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Midwest USA
norabird
Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, July 28th (Monday)

(((((NG))))

I hope one of those phone calls gets you the emergency help you need.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4190 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
dmari
Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, July 28th (Monday)

Yes, screen shots of nook NOW. Instead of calling 911, can you walk into a police station and ask to speak to someone? Perhaps an officer who has experience with children?

You are doing your due diligence and then some ~ I hope to God that someone (police, CPS, CAC, pediatrician) SOMEONE will step the fuck up and join you in protecting your children.


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2234 | Registered: Oct 2012
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, July 28th (Monday)

So far this morning:

I've talked to the counselor. He said based on what I've described, it could be a case for a child abuse report. But of course he can't go on just my word because that's hearsay.

I've talked with the director of the local CAC. She's referred me to the local group that works with abused children.

I've checked my son's Nook. I didn't see the same search terms as what I saw on my daughter's. But there are lots of YouTube videos. I can't see them because his Nook isn't hooked up to the internet. I need to look at my other child's Nook, and I also need to have a talk with those two. OMG


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9714 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
gypsybird87
Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, July 28th (Monday)

I just saw this thread.

I'm so sorry, NG! I don't begin to know what to say. I'm just sick that your kids (and you!) are being subjected to this. I hope one of the local agencies you've contacted can do something to help.

((((NG and kids))))


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin


Posts: 869 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, July 28th (Monday)

As I thought, my attorney is not going to help me because of my inability to pay. He did at least refer me to a legal clinic in the area.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9714 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
hellzapoppin
Member
Member # 5655
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, July 28th (Monday)

You might also contact the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children

http://www.missingkids.com/LegalResources/Exploitation

abundant links here for helping the victims as well as pursuing the criminals

The federal laws against child porn are unforgiving.

And violators can be prosecuted on both the state and federal levels.

I realize your priority is helping your daughter.


Him-WH
Me - BW
M 21 years
Divorced by stealth

Posts: 1310 | Registered: Oct 2004
Tearsoflove
Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, July 28th (Monday)

After you have gotten all of this behind you, can you reset those Nooks to factory settings and start your own account to link them to? Yes, they will lose any books he's bought for them but there are tons of free books available. You can also download a free kindle app and get even more free books that way.

I have to say that I'm pretty surprised by this. My daughters and I have shared Nook accounts for years and I didn't know that it would share search history. The only thing that shows up on ours are new purchases through the Barnes & Noble account (that I know of). Granted, I don't use my Nook for internet searches and Youtube so it may be that I've never seen any of that because I wasn't looking.


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4102 | Registered: Sep 2005
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, July 28th (Monday)

My daughters and I have shared Nook accounts for years and I didn't know that it would share search history.

It may be a fluke, which is why I suggested getting screenshots of as much of it as possible.

Similar, but not quite the same situation- I have a mobile family plan. On occassion, one of my kids would get texts I know I sent to my husband (or vice versa). The accounts are all on one bill, but we have our own phones.
I'm wondering if it was a glitch...but one that N_G can use in her favor....


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - ??

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6459 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, July 28th (Monday)

((((((NG))))))


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7497 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
itainteasy
Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, July 28th (Monday)

(((((NG & DD11& and siblings))))

I'm sick to my stomach. I'm nauseated. I'm in tears.

If I feel that sucker punched...ME, a stranger on the internet...I can't even imagine what this is doing to you.

I have never prayed for someone to die before, but I am praying that your Ex POS meets his demise in a painful way.

I'm so sorry.

I hope that someone can help you.


Posts: 3398 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, July 28th (Monday)

I'm on her nook right now and my ex's email and everything is fully available to me. I am NOT clicking into it, but I could if I wanted to.

I'm seeing lots of inappropriate stuff.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9714 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
ChoosingHope
Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, July 28th (Monday)

oh my god oh my god oh my god. Crying here, NG.

Call child protective services and do whatever else everyone here is advising. Oh my god, maybe this at the very least will get him out of you children's lives for good.

The most important thing is to get authorities involved asap. Are there any women's organizations that can help with free legal advice?????????????


Posts: 1701 | Registered: Oct 2011
courageous
Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, July 28th (Monday)

I'm so sorry for your baby girl. Maybe the rape crisis center might be able to help and offer free counseling.

There has to be someone somewhere to help you protect your kids.

((NG))


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 651 | Registered: Jan 2012
Exhausted in OH
Member
Member # 34340
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, July 28th (Monday)

I am so sorry you are going through this - and everything that has come before.

Did the director of the CAC think this was reportable? I would try to take all 3 kids in to be interviewed by a professional.


BS 42(now 45), WH now 46
Married 15 (now 18!), together 22, 3 great kids - 15, 13, 10
DD Sept 2011 - 4mo PA; on DD also admitted to ONS in 2007
R going well
And now I realize...- Me OEA - old college friend
No longer exhausted nor in OH

Posts: 436 | Registered: Dec 2011
StillLivin
Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, July 28th (Monday)

N_G I cannot give you any advice you haven't already received.
But I can give you a hug (((N_G)))
He is so disgusting and I'm horrified and nauseous that you and your children are having to deal with this.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2263 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
Tearsoflove
Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, July 28th (Monday)

I have to believe that is either a fluke, like GabyBaby said or your husband actually used your daughter's Nook. I can't see my daughter's emails and she can't see mine so I'm wondering if he borrowed your daughter's and forgot to unlink it or something.

And, yeah, he's disgusting. His daughter is eleven- to even look at that stuff on a shared account much less if he actually was using her Nook to do it is repulsive.

[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 2:49 PM, July 28th (Monday)]


"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." ~Homer Simpson


Posts: 4102 | Registered: Sep 2005
hexed
Member
Member # 19258
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, July 28th (Monday)

What happens if you notify him of what you've found and that you intend to invoke that parenting evaluation clause. After that refuse visitation. If he wants to make an issue of that, let him take you to court. He can pay for the attorneys


But that's just a lot of water
Underneath a bridge I burned
And there's no use in backtracking
Around corners I have turned

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler


Posts: 8452 | Registered: Apr 2008
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, July 28th (Monday)

I don't think he was using her Nook to look at porn. However, her Nook is linked to his account (whatever technical jargon blah blah blah) so she has access to his Google account, email, YouTube, search results, and so forth. She says his stuff comes up unintentionally on her part. I don't know enough about Nooks to say yay or nay to that notion. I am taking all the Nooks to Barnes & Noble tonight and have them assessed.

WWIII is probably going to erupt when my ex finds out that I know what's going on at his house when he has the kids.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9714 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, July 28th (Monday)

((NG)) leading with hugs.

Ok. I am breathing and trying to remain rational and calm because honestly, I am not asking that of you!! Lean here as much as you can.

I get that cold rage thing, and it is a scary thing to feel and know about yourself. Later, you will need to deal with that. Later. Right now, just stay in control.

However, based on the research I've done over the years and the advocacy groups which now exist, my gut tells me that I'm going to be the one who loses custody because I'm reporting this.

I understand why this is your gut fear, but it is fear based. As hard as it is, PLEASE try to focus on the HOPE based outcomes that are possible. There are good people, there are services and as much as the system fails, sometimes it works exactly the way it is supposed to.... albeit, too late in some ways.

So, because I do believe that you can bring the outcome you expect, please try to expect this to work out the best way possible at this point.

I second the motion to notify him that you are invoking the parental evaluation clause. I would state NOTHING else, just that section with numbers clauses page numbers whatever and cite it word for word and then no more visitation. If (and I think it is a pretty big if, given his transgression) he chooses to fight, let him file.

Other suggestions have been great. I have only one to add. If there is a university nearby, contact their psychology department. I had my DS evaluated there by upper class psych students, supervised by an acting Ph.D, and it was free based on their sliding scale/income.

I think he is guilty of criminal behavior and hopefully, if you show up with Nook and present it to the sex crimes division, something will be done.

I hate this, and I could rail at his nasty nasty ways, but that is not helpful and I really am trying to just be helpful, and supportive. (((tons of hugs)))


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5842 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, July 28th (Monday)

I can't see them because his Nook isn't hooked up to the internet.

Is there anywhere near you that has free Wifi?


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5578 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
BrokenDaisy
Member
Member # 37063
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, July 28th (Monday)

So so so many hugs (((NG))) I've been trying to get words to support you but it all feels so empty. This is also such a big fear of mine having a sick fucktard as an xwh too. I sincerely hope the authorities will now act and protect your children, my trust in the system is also very limited. I hope they prove us wrong. My thoughts are with you. Just hugs!!! So many hugs! ((((NG and children))))


Me BxW, him SA NPD WxH
1 wonderful toddler - sole legal custody to me and supervised visitation to xwh.
DDay 01/2012
10/2013 Finally Divorced!!

Posts: 263 | Registered: Oct 2012
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, July 28th (Monday)

Okay, I've set up an appointment with the legal clinic that helps poor people like me. First appointment, and it is only an "intake" appointment, isn't until after my ex's next parenting time. After that intake appointment then I might or might not choose to hire one of their attorneys and begin the process of getting legal advice (would require another appointment), and the person I spoke with told me they have an extremely long backlog of cases.

Meanwhile, what do I do?

Please help me craft a statement to give my ex. Be aware that he has a shark attorney who uses all tactics in the Father's Rights movement.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9714 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
woundedby2
Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, July 28th (Monday)

I'm really lacking words here. He's a sick motherf*cker for sure.

(((NG and DD)))

Take photographs of the stuff on the nook if you can't do anything but that.

This organization helped me out when I was dealing with my DD's molestation:

www.rainn.org (rape, abuse, incest network)

Call them. I'm sure they have advice and resources on handling this.


Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7818 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, July 28th (Monday)

I would do

1. Take the NOOK to the police department. Wait, demand action, leave the "evidence."

armed with whatever you learn ^^there...

2. Cite the parenting agreement, cut and paste it. I would add one sentence.

No further visitation until you have completed the court ordered evaluation.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5842 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, July 28th (Monday)

What Caregiver said, but also make sure you keep evidence for yourself,too. If you let him have access, knowing what you know, you may get in trouble with CPS, even if they don''t act right away. Protect your children, honey.


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - Susp EA 'The Baker'
COW - EA/PA 'Fat Bottomed Girl'
COW - Susp EA 'MiniMe'

Posts: 1022 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
peridot
Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, July 28th (Monday)

Call CPS and the police now!

That way you are protected. I am sorry you are going through this. I went through the same thing but it was my son and not my DD. He was a lot younger so he didn't know what he had seen but I did from what he described.

In my situation, the court did not do shit. I think you would get better results and faster with CPS.

Take pictures of it all! Send him an email or a text and tell him that you are aware that he has been watching porn around the kids and he isn't getting visitation until there is an evaluation.

You aren't going to loose custody of the kids over a few missed visits. Especially with what has happened.

Do not send your kids back!


Have you tried to get Medicaid? What about low income or free IC for the kids? They need to be in IC if you can get it for them.


[This message edited by peridot at 5:39 PM, July 28th (Monday)]


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4782 | Registered: Feb 2008
Must Survive
Member
Member # 34533
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, July 28th (Monday)

A couple of things to think about. What if he makes a case that he had no idea that there was a connection and it was inadvertent. I could see a case could be made even a normal parent might have something on their account that is inappropriate for children.

I would also look at the times he was in active port mode and compare that with the time he had the kids. If it was at the same time I think that would be helpful.

During high school I had a friend whose family actually hid mothers/children running away from situations like this. My understanding is that there is a whole network of people moving people around. FYI.


Me BS
WS: Just a squished bug on the window of my life!
Divorcing, STBXH is engaged/living with OW#3

They have a choice: they can live in my new world, or they can die in their old one." — Daenerys Targaryen


Posts: 763 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Must Survive
peridot
Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 5:47 PM, July 28th (Monday)

I'm going to take back what I said about you telling him why you are not letting him see the kids and do what was stated above and just refer him to the evaluation clause. Be very vague since he has an attorney and you don't. It's not something you have to do right now. I would put that off for the moment until you speak to someone. When is his next visit?


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4782 | Registered: Feb 2008
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, July 28th (Monday)

(((NG))) do not do anything with the Nook until you have spoken with a lawyer. if it is currently linked to his account and he is accessing illegal pornography that might be the best evidence to get m arrested.

sending strength

saying prayers for you and the little ones


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2872 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, July 28th (Monday)

A couple of things to think about. What if he makes a case that he had no idea that there was a connection and it was inadvertent. I could see a case could be made even a normal parent might have something on their account that is inappropriate for children.

This is exactly what he would say, and is now what my daughter is saying. She thinks the link happened at Barnes & Noble by the employees there when they were synching something up so the kids could purchase games.

On the other hand, she also says she's tried to tell Dad about it "at least five times" but he ignores her every time and won't even listen to her.

And on the third hand she found the password for my home WiFi connection and, against my wishes, she logged herself onto the internet here at home and has been viewing YouTube videos via my ex's Google/YouTube account. So the case can be made that I've been negligent, that I shouldn't have simply taken my children's word that they weren't accessing the internet here at home, I should have checked on my own.

I have to be very careful here so that I am not perceived as the bitter ex who is out to alienate the children from their father. I have walked this very fine line far too many times. I'm sick of it. So before I call the police and CPS I'm going to Barnes & Noble to have them investigate this mysterious link/synch/whateverthehellitis. I want to have all the facts and I want to be able to honestly say that I tried everything possible to AVOID contacting the police & CPS. I know this flies in the face of every good parent's instincts. Trust me, I know. But I also know the path I've walked in this nightmare. Just as I couldn't contact the police & CPS when my daughter (different daughter) reported that Daddy laid on top of her in bed with the lights out, I am in the same legal bind now.

I have a few days until Wednesday. I'm working as fast as I can to do this right so it doesn't come back to hurt me & the kids.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9714 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
CheaterMagnet
Member
Member # 33581
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, July 28th (Monday)

Oh NG. I am so unutterably sorry that this is your life and your childrens lives. I just have no words.

I just want you to know that you have the whole SI army here sending you strength and mojo. I'm also manifesting some really ugly shit to your Ex.

((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))


If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5

Posts: 1035 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Kailua-Kona, HI
gypsybird87
Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, July 28th (Monday)

A couple of things to think about. What if he makes a case that he had no idea that there was a connection and it was inadvertent. I could see a case could be made even a normal parent might have something on their account that is inappropriate for children.

Of course this could happen inadvertently. Him jacking off to it in the presence of his children could not. That is deliberate, and that is far more damaging to her.

I think you should call the police to get some info. Not 911, just the main desk at the local police station. I did this on D-day because XWH was out of town, and I didn't know what would happen when he returned and I confronted him. I needed to know what my options and legal rights were. I was also scared there might be violence. I was transferred to a very nice policewoman who answered all my questions. It was totally anonymous since I called from my cell phone. I was not asked for my name, address, or any other data. She just told me what I needed to know.

This was my local police dept. I would hope yours could provide some similar answers. If not them then perhaps the county sheriff. Explain the situation and just ask for any advice or guidance they can give *as it pertains to your safety and that of your children.* Your safety is their priority. When I called she explained my rights (which were limited) about asking him to leave, what if he wouldn't go, etc etc. But she stressed repeatedly that if at any time the situation escalated and I felt unsafe, to call them immediately and they would come and remove him.

Knowledge is power. If they can help you, you need to know in what ways. And if they can't help you, you need to know that too.

(((NG)))


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin


Posts: 869 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
rainagain
Member
Member # 14917
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, July 28th (Monday)

NG also please talk to an advocate at the DV shelter or the courthouse. If you have knowledge and allow another visit that can be used against you later by the same system that has failed you in the past.

Can you have something "happen" to avoid the Wed visit while you figure this out? Car trouble....confusion about date of school event....?

I'm a mandated reporter and I would report this. What the system would do with the information, I don't know. But going to your school principal (they work in the summer) your pedi or any clergy and asking for help on reporting and the upcoming visit can protect your children and help safeguard your rights and access to them.


Now, faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you cannot see. Heb 11:1
I done been through the pain and the sorrow the struggle is nothing but love. Maino
Me: Divorced BS 49
DS22, DD19, DS17

Posts: 1298 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Massachusetts
Tripletrouble
Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, July 28th (Monday)

((((NG))))
I hope you feel the collective shudder and horror of the SI community, and also all the love and support we offer. I'm so sorry you have to fight so hard to advocate for your children, especially to protect them from their own father. Thankfully they have you, their fierce loving mother.


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 638 | Registered: May 2013
tesla
Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, July 28th (Monday)

I hate this fucker sooooo fucking much.

Look, I know you are trying to 'cover you bases' so you don't appear as the bitter ex. Fuck that noise. There is porn on your daughter's nook.

If a student of mine came to me and told me what your daughter told you...it gets reported to cps. There is no checking to see if accounts were inadvertently linked. CPS can check that...the police can check that.

He is a sick fuck.
Stop painting yourself as the bitter ex that is going to be failed by the system.
You are your children's protector and only line of defense.
Please report this.
((((((NG)))))))))!


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4655 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, July 28th (Monday)

^^^^ This.
PLEASE N_G. Please, PLEASE report this to the police.

Taking the Nook back to B&N may erase the link or give your ex a heads up. Don't let him slip through yet again.
He is dangerous. He gave a rare opportunity to you to have supervised visits at minimum.
Please, PLEASE go to the police/cps.


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - ??

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6459 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, July 28th (Monday)

If you can download the Nook app to your phone, you can take screen shots of the history to keep as records. Once I'd done that, or taken photographs, I would take copies of these records to the police--along with the Nook itself. I would not leave it with them without first documenting, though.

I'd also contact CPS and the kids' pediatrician. The more mandatory reporters reporting, the better.

Your poor girlie. And you... I'm so very sorry you're coping with this.

My son shares my Nook account--he uses the iPhone app. That means I see the apps he downloads, and he sees/shares my books. Our browsing histories are not the same.

[This message edited by solus sto at 10:32 PM, July 28th (Monday)]


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8728 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
newlysingle
Member
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, July 28th (Monday)

Every time you post about this guy, I get sick to my stomach. It makes all the bullshit with the Gnat seem like a walk in the park. I have nothing better to add. I just hope that someone in our legal system finally acknowledges what a creep this guy is and removes him from your life. (((NG and kids)))


BW - Me (37)
XWH - (37) The Gnat
OW - Some dumb whore he picked up in another state and moved here here. Known as Hello Kitty.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (5), 1 DS (1 year)
Dday 3/13
Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 902 | Registered: Mar 2013
ChoosingHope
Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, July 28th (Monday)

I hate this fucker sooooo fucking much.
Look, I know you are trying to 'cover you bases' so you don't appear as the bitter ex. Fuck that noise. There is porn on your daughter's nook.

If a student of mine came to me and told me what your daughter told you...it gets reported to cps. There is no checking to see if accounts were inadvertently linked. CPS can check that...the police can check that.

He is a sick fuck.
Stop painting yourself as the bitter ex that is going to be failed by the system.
You are your children's protector and only line of defense.
Please report this.
((((((NG)))))))))!

NG, I agree with Tesla, and this is even though the system has failed me- in more ways than I can bear to admit. I hope my fake key logger story isn't adding more fuel to your fears right now. You have proof that your daughter has been exposed to terrible porn. I think you might need to move quickly to do something about it. Not recklessly, but very quickly.

I feel like you need legal advice. What exact type of group did your attorney refer you to? Do they provide legal advice????

Holding you in the light. Please keep posting.

**********(((((((((((NG and DD))))))))))**********


Posts: 1701 | Registered: Oct 2011
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, July 28th (Monday)

So his preference is 11-year-old girls, so there is CHILD PORN on the Nook?

Don't let Barnes and Noble fuck the thing up. Take that shit straight to the police. People need to be prosecuted. (Are you realizing at all that YOU are in possession of illegal materials at the moment? Straight to the police!)

I think the hardest thing here is that your daughter is going to have to "testify" to this somehow, to a counselor, a police officer, etc., because yea, otherwise it is hearsay.

My kids could have slaughtered my ex in court with their testimony, but I knew there was no fucking way I wanted them testifying if they didn't have to..

Look how hard it was for her just to tell you.. I would be most focused on your daughter, encouraging her to speak up if she is feeling uncomfortable. I'm sure like my kids, she wants to love her dad and not get him in trouble, but I'm sure she doesn't trust him and knows some shady shit is going down. I think that's how my kids feel..

Fuck lawyers and the "divorce court" system. This is abuse, and should be handled, free of charge, for you by the police and CPS.

Who the fuck is putting it in your head that you might come off as a bitter ex? Yea, fuck that noise. You have children to protect, and now that she has officially been abused and damaged emotionally, it's time to act. NOW.

[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 11:00 PM, July 28th (Monday)]


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2249 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
BtraydWife
Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 11:08 PM, July 28th (Monday)

So a couple of thoughts. If dd 11 is just his type, is it possible this connection on her Nook wasn't an accident. You mentioned grooming and further exposing her to his sickness would constitute that. Interested to see if the other Nooks are linked as well.

Also, since she got online against your permission, if the connection was made accidentally she may well have taken advantage of it (like to search online, etc nothing nasty) then became overwhelmed by her fathers filth that she felt she had to say something.

I'm not saying either way, I'm just asking if either way is plausible?

Oh and I would not back down from reporting. If you didn't, there is nothing to stop your ex from pointing the finger at you and saying you accessed it with her device. Report away.

He is complete filth.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1762 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
ChoosingHope
Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, July 28th (Monday)

NG,
More unsolicited advice: don't let B&N touch that NOOK! Don't let it out of your sight.

I just went backwards through the thread, and I couldn't tell if there is any child porn there. If so, you can go straight to the police.

If there is the kind of S&M porn that I suspect is on there, I think you can go to CPS. I questioned my original therapists quite closely about this. Obviously you will copy everything on there ASAP - please don't let him erase evidence. Obviously the Nook will not return on Wednesday with the children.

I want to share something with you that I don't think I've told you yet. One of the reasons why my EX got overnights is because the judge was perplexed about WHY I let Genius see the children during the three-year S/D. He said, "Well, CH obviously didn't think he was that dangerous that she needed to stop the children from seeing him at all."

I didn't actually ever have a chance to reply. I wanted to say that I was scared. That I was following the advice of attorneys who told me that "children need to see their fathers," that "you need to look like you are giving him lots of access to the kids - frequent and short access."

In retrospect, I wish I had gone for an emergency court order in 2011 to stop him from seeing the kids. I had enough proof with my 2000 pages.

Please think about my story. If you hesitate too much, you lose the edge, the element of surprise, and mostly the chance to show the judges and legals system how much you care for your children.

Please move quickly.

xoxox,
Hope


Posts: 1701 | Registered: Oct 2011
gonnabe2016
Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 12:25 AM, July 29th (Tuesday)

She thinks the link happened at Barnes & Noble by the employees there when they were synching something up so the kids could purchase games.

NG, stop.
Porn is not going to show up just because B&N *synched* something to purchase games. Your kid is freaking out right now and is *reaching* to find some inane explanation because s/he doesn't want to get dad in *trouble*. YOU KNOW THIS!

If I were you, I would start with 1)her previous counselor; 2) a local DV resouce; and if <--those aren't productive......3) Go to your local media outlets.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8034 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
peridot
Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 12:51 AM, July 29th (Tuesday)

NG, CPS and the cops work a lot different than the court system. They can and will do things that the courts won't. Like protect your kids. I never got anywhere with the courts but when CPS got involved, I was finally able to help my kids. Please, instead of going to B&N, go to the cops.

I know you are scared of loosing your kids to that creep. I went through the same thing every time I thought about keeping the kids from asshole. No one is going to take the kids from you for trying to protect your kids. So what if he takes you to court! That is why you need to call CPS, the cops and take pics of that Nook.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4782 | Registered: Feb 2008
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 1:17 AM, July 29th (Tuesday)

NG - you''re a great mum and you''ve been through a lot. Gently, it sounds like you''re trying to find reasons not to go to the police? I know you''re scared about being accused of child alienation, but your child has been harmed. You need to keep your children safe.

I know you''re contacting lots of helpful people. But the people you really need to contact are the police. Go the the police station, ask for special victims (or whatever they''re called). Refuse to talk to anyone else. Then tell them everything.

If you go to Barnes & Noble first,then he can say that they did something to alter it (chain of evidence). You NEED the police to see it and log it first. You KNOW that Perv could do this. You know that Perv knows that this has happened. Why are you waiting? You almost sound like a BS trying to convince herself that her WS isn''t really cheating/in false R. And I know that if I was in a similar situation, I might feel the same...it''shard to get our heads round what someone we once loved could get up to. But go to the police anyway.


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - Susp EA 'The Baker'
COW - EA/PA 'Fat Bottomed Girl'
COW - Susp EA 'MiniMe'

Posts: 1022 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
NaiveAgain
Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 5:44 AM, July 29th (Tuesday)

((((NG)))
)I have to be very careful here so that I am not perceived as the bitter ex who is out to alienate the children from their father.
I totally get it. Everything I did to try to protect my child from the psychoX, he turned around and screamed alienation. And I was told the only way you could lose your children was 1. abuse 2. neglect 3. alienation. I knew he could never prove 1 and 2, but he was such a good liar and he tried #3 over and over. So we ended up with a very liberal visitation schedule for her to see her psychopathic father.

Mine hired an expensive shark lawyer and screamed about how he was a good parent, he loved his dd, he only wanted what was best for her (he was groomed very well by his lawyer and he rehearsed his lines). I had an inexpensive lawyer because I had NO money. I was a SAHM at the time and no access to money.

And court is scary. It doesn't work the way they show on TV. There are politics and money and corruption in many systems. So court is really "iffy."

I think you are terrified of going back to court with him for those reasons....and I don't blame you. I think you want a cut and dry case so he can't come back and accuse you of alienation.

This is a really tough situation, and I do think you need to be careful here, but I would start working really hard to build that case. Have you been documenting everything? His laying on top of your child, his grooming the children, his porn habit? Do you have hard evidence on any of it (besides the porn on her nook?)

Work with a DV shelter first. They will believe you and they may have legal experience with this stuff (some do, some don't). They may also have a lawyer you can talk to. Also, if it goes to court and your DV advocate advises you to stop visitation or something, you can tell the judge that you were heeding the advice of the expert or professional that you went to in order to try to get help for your child. Just document that also.

Can you get a free initial consultation with a lawyer somewhere? That way you can find out what your rights are and how strong your case is. Also, I believe this would be a criminal case, in which case you would get a county prosecutor, you wouldn't need a lawyer for your accusations. Have you talked with the local prosecutor? They WILL talk to you and you can find out what they feel your chances are.

.

Have you talked with your children about appropriate and inappropriate touch and if their father has made them uncomfortable with his touch?

This will progress if he feels he can get away with it....I'm so sorry for what you are dealing with. He is a monster. I would try the media too....hey, I wrote Dr. Phil about my psychopath and I got a call from the show. They wanted to have us on. Letters can get results. I also got a call-back from another day-time talk show but I can't remember anymore which one it was. I also got an audience with my state senator about how the court system was failing me, and he recommended a good lawyer for me.

Start writing, call the shelter now, and document, document, document. You are your children's only true advocate. Sending you lots of strength (((((((NG))))))

ETA: Oh, and yeah, take it to the police and demand they make a report. Show them the evidence. You will need it later, and it needs to be "pure" and not messed with. I wouldn't fool with B&N. If it is HIS porn, it doesn't even matter how it got there. They are underage. He exposed them to it.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 5:52 AM, July 29th (Tuesday)]


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15245 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 6:00 AM, July 29th (Tuesday)

NG, I know you have to be careful in what you say to your children about their father.

But they have to go over there..he has access to them..he is grooming your DD..I fear she will be molested by him. Im worried that she is going over there, blind and mute. Meaning, they have no idea how sick their dad is, and what kind of danger they are in every time they are with him.

Again, I know you can't say certain things...and I know you don't want to scare them. But they need to be...I don't know..alerted..prepared..taught they can say NO and mommy will ALWAYS believe them if they tel her they have been hurt by someone..and she will take steps to protect them. You are a FANTASTIC mother. Im sure you have had the "bad touch, good touch" talk..but do they know that goes for their father also?


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7497 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
hopefulmom44
Member
Member # 44136
Default  Posted: 7:01 AM, July 29th (Tuesday)

NG- I'm soo sorry about what is happenning to you. Here are some suggestions to seek help: churches, some have counseling programs, stste dept of human services, states fund counselinf for families at risk, universities, some have counseling programs which help their psych doctors practice. The county where you live. Some counties offer free legal aid on a walk in basis. Sending hugs your way.

Posts: 99 | Registered: Jul 2014
sadone29
Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, July 29th (Tuesday)

(((NG)))

I'm so sorry you're going through this. And your poor DD.

When SAH started telling me all the stuff he's been doing, it was like the blood drained out of me. Early on after DDay, he 'slipped' by watching porn in the bathroom while the kids were just outside of the room. I'm sure he didn't lock the door. Even if he did, it's an old door that the kids can unlock from the outside.
The lack of concern for their well being is sickening. Now he asks me if I trust him to make good decisions where the kids are involved.
Hell no, I don't.

[This message edited by sadone29 at 8:31 AM, July 29th (Tuesday)]


DDay Feb. 28, 2013
"I am pretty sure enforcing the boundary is the most important part of the boundary"- Jerry Seinfeld

Posts: 751 | Registered: Mar 2013
Phoenix1
Member
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, July 29th (Tuesday)

NG, you are a calm, methodical person. Keep your rage in check and approach this as you have done with everything else. You found history of porn on the Nook. He has a known predilection for prepubescent girls. That is probable cause for you to notify the police of your concerns so they can begin their own investigation because possession of child porn is illegal. Whether they do or not is out of your control, but you would be doing your due diligence by discussing your concerns with them.

As for your DD, masturbating where she could see it is a deliberate act. And again, your knowledge of his SA gives you concern, as a mother, that your DD is being exposed to a harmful situation. That is where CPS comes in. You need to express your concerns about your children's welfare while he has them, again because you have probable cause. Whether they investigate further is not on you, but you have taken steps to protect your children.

These steps would demonstrate to a judge that you are not okay with this and you are trying to protect your children from someone with a known SA, especially for young girls. If he had no history, I could see an argument for alienation. However, he does have a known history so you have every reason to be concerned for the well being of your children.

You are their first line of defense and must act.

((NG and kids))


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,17 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1137 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
debbysbaby
Member
Member # 32962
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, July 29th (Tuesday)

OMG, NG, I have just seen this thread! Ugh. I read the whole thing and I think you have great advice. I do disagree with your decision NOT to look at his email. WHY the hell NOT? Just don't open any unread messages. I would look at everything you could. There is probably a WEALTH of info in there. Commo with his lawyer? Emails with sexploits? This is a GOLDEN opportunity to help you achieve your goal of protecting your kids. PLEASE look!

Get snapshots of EVERYTHING before you let anyone else handle that NOOK! Just a simple act on your ex's part and those accounts will be unlinked and POOF! all that proof and evidence gone. You NEED that stuff! Get it!

And WHAT the HELL??!! Laying on your daughter in the dark? Can't you get her to tell someone who CAN report it? Pediatrician? Counselor?

Your kids, while needing to be protected from certain knowledge, have a GREATER need to be protected from his abuse, and to have any shot at that, they have got to know SOMETHINGS of what to watch for and how to get word to you that things are not okay. Also, reassurances (as someone else said) that you will BELIEVE them, no matter what it is or what someone else says to them to try to keep them quiet.

I hate this for you.

My SA ex-poopsmear left porn open on the computer which was seen my my DD who is now 20. She was 6 at the time (we were still married and ex had stayed up past me watching porn and left the browser open. DD woke up before us and went to get on the computer to play games and got to see a woman fake-screaming with a huge penis in her. )

DD is so troubled right now I am scared for her. She went from being a virgin until age 19 to being extremely promiscuous. She has her own apartment now and just informed me last night that one of her sex partners was diagnosed with chlamydia and she knows she has it too but has no $$$ for the doctor. She just had her boyfriend move out on her (because she was cheating) and her arms are healing from the dozen or so razor slices she inflicted on herself. She is drinking nightly and smoking pot. She started secretly smoking cigs 4 years ago by sneaking her fathers (he smokes) during visitations. She was very sneaky at first and I knew nothing until about a year ago. I don't know how in the world as a non-smoker I missed it. I always thought the smoke smell was residual from her work and from her dads) I blame her troubled state, desperate search for acceptance and lack of self esteem on the shit job her father did. She and my other kids have watched his shenanigans for 10 years (since the divorce) and have seen so much dysfunction and inappropriateness (including seeing his porn over the years while visiting him and seeing evidence of the swinging sex life he was living) that they are lost as to what is normal and healthy. I wish I could have protected them more. Had someone told me when my daughter was 11 that she would be suffering today the way she is, I never would have believed that my bright honor student would be struggling so. She is acting in so many ways JUST LIKE her screwed up father (blame-shifting, angry, asshole to her significant others, cheating, lying frequently...etc), but in her case it is worse because it is obvious she is lost and in pain and is destroying herself, too. My ex was diagnosed as a SA, too but never sought any treatment. I wish I could have protected them. I wish he were dead. I wish your ex would keel over right now. I am sorry. Don't let fear paralyze you. Even if he NEVER touches them, there is too much risk to them as evidenced by my daughter. I am SOOOO sorry.


-betrayed almost my whole almost 15 yr marriage
-divorced since 2004

Posts: 871 | Registered: Aug 2011
hemademesingle
Member
Member # 21281
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, July 29th (Tuesday)

Praying that you had the strength and courage to go to the police, let them do a proper investigation,

My prayers are with you and your children,

Please keep those innocent kids safe from abuse


Posts: 385 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Canada
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, July 29th (Tuesday)

Thank you, everyone, for your support!

I am not finding actual hard core porn on her nook. I have not found child porn on her nook. I am finding very inappropriate stuff on her nook. She's indicated she's seen other images on his computer, but it was brief and he switched the tab immediately. She does not know what he was doing at the computer. I do because I'm an adult and I was married to him. Will everyone please back off some and trust that I am doing the best I can? I am not going to subject my family to a CPS and police investigation when a strong case can be made that this is accidental, resulting in an "unfounded" determination. I won't do it. You may think that I am careless, making mistakes, in denial or whatever else you may choose to think. I know myself, I know my track record in going to the mat and fighting to protect my children. I know what I'm looking at on HER nook. I know that I am consulting with experts & professionals. I know that my daughter is just barely reaching the "credible witness" age. She is giving inconsistent stories to ME, so I know exactly how she would be perceived by someone else. Of my three kids, she has taken the divorce the hardest and is the one still trying to recover her footing and emotional strength. I am not going to rush this.

There is some kind of link between my children's nooks and his email & Google account. I am still investigating. I am still doing my best, MY BEST, to determine the right course of action. No one here wants my ex gone more than me.

And for the record, I think Nooks for children are a very bad idea. I didn't want him to get these for the kids because I investigated and found out there is no way to put a filter on or otherwise safeguard your kids. I am now of the opinion that the makers of Nooks are beyond irresponsible in this regard.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9714 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, July 29th (Tuesday)

Oh NG. So nothing you''ve found is ''enough'' for the police? Ugh.

I''m shocked by the nook thing. Is this true for kindles too? Surely there should be a safeguarding kids option?


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - Susp EA 'The Baker'
COW - EA/PA 'Fat Bottomed Girl'
COW - Susp EA 'MiniMe'

Posts: 1022 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, July 29th (Tuesday)

I don't think any of us, for even a moment, has thought you weren't more than one hundred percent committed to and thoroughly competent to handle this. Our input was purely related to details with which we were familiar: how Nooks work, how to download the app on a phone to easily take screenshots for future use, who you might call for help. Not because anyone thought you couldn't do these things, but because we hate to see your struggle and wish that, in some very small way, we can help.

You know far more than any human should ever have to know about (struggling to) protect kids in a world in which unworthy and dangerous parents are sometimes given far too much benefit of the doubt. We know you know the system, and its myriad failings.

We doubt the system, not you. Our advice was never intended to impugn your motives or abilities, but rather to bolster you. You certainly are entitled to simply vent about this horrendous situation, though, and we certainly will support you however you find most helpful.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8728 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, July 29th (Tuesday)

You may think that I am careless, making mistakes, in denial or whatever else you may choose to think. I know myself, I know my track record in going to the mat and fighting to protect my children.
I might add, too, that you know your Ex, and how his divorce smear campaign went, along with his legal defense team's tactics. Your gut will guide you in knowing what he might do.

I'm glad to hear you are being careful about this. You are keeping your head in a very stressful situation! You are so very strong, N_G!!

{{{{ Nature }}}}


Posts: 1266 | Registered: Aug 2010
Softcentre
Member
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)

Oh and what solus sto said ((hugs))


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' likes strong but broken OW
OW - EA - 'Holy Chick'
COW - Suspected EA/PA 'The Ambassador'
COW - Susp EA 'The Baker'
COW - EA/PA 'Fat Bottomed Girl'
COW - Susp EA 'MiniMe'

Posts: 1022 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)

I talked with my IC this morning, just to make sure I'm seeing the facts realistically and not reverting to my unhealthy denial of my past. She agrees that this is in a gray area. So she is going to call CPS and ask them about the situation. Apparently you can do this, get their take on things, without launching a full-blown investigation.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9714 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Pentup
Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)

Just sending hugs to you. You have been given a dump truck full of crap and yet the light and concern for your children keeps shining through. Praying for strength for you.


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6587 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
peridot
Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)

Yes, the IC can call CPS without making a complaint. My IC did this during the divorce because my son had seen my XH's porn. My XH was out of the house by then and had supervised visitation so the IC was told there was nothing else to do.

She didn't just call about the porn though. There was also a history of abuse.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4782 | Registered: Feb 2008
CheaterMagnet
Member
Member # 33581
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)

I also agree with Solus. You know what you are seeing and what your Ex is capable of. We will ALWAYS support you here. I can see why you felt ganged up on though, but I am sure that wasn't the intent.

Sending you peace and strength today and every day.

((((((((((((((NG)))))))))))))


If Happy Ever After did exist, I would still be holding you like this.
All those fairly tales are full of shit.
One more fucking love song I'll be sick. ~ Maroon 5

Posts: 1035 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Kailua-Kona, HI
ButterflyGirl
Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)

Hey girl, sorry for assuming you meant there was child porn. Given his predilections for young woman, I kind of figured it was there given what you said about him.

I do want to send you some more hugs. You are dealing with more than any person should have to, and I'm glad you are reaching out for support. Infidelity and divorce are hard enough without all this shit ton pile of bullshit you are dealing with.

I'm glad you were able to speak with a counselor who will help you and understands the situation. I just think you have been fighting this on your own for so long, and I really hope you find some support, some counselors, a domestic violence shelter, local resources, legal aid attorneys, the police, etc. It's hard enough being a single mom and helping your kids emotionally through a divorce, and I hope one day you can finally just focus on you and your sweet kiddos and have some fun. None of this is fair to you, and I will pray that if you keep reaching out, someone else can carry this huge burden for you for a while.

Lots of hugs to you girl..

[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 3:34 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)]


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2249 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
SWAT70
Member
Member # 42915
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)

Nature girl, I was going to PM you but your at your limit. With this new revelation I'm not surprised. Phoenix1 had some very good points as well.

As a parent I feel for you and my first reaction was visceral. I applaud you for protecting your children. The LEO side begs me to start asking questions. Sorry for that. Please understand I'm a little tired and may have missed something. But it appears her story has changed a little, and I know that happens regardless of age. I also understand that can cause some people even the police to doubt. I am not a techie by any means. But my family does have some NOOKS and KINDLES. (I know zilch about kindle)

May I ask what type of NOOK? Because the NOOK HD and HD+ both have parental controls. You can create either adult or child profiles and restrict them. Each profile can also be password protected. Does your daughter have her own B&N account? The email the NOOK is assigned is found settings and device info. If it is a separate email from his or yours she likely has her own account. I'm not sure about NOOK color or older models. I would have to do some research myself.

Again I'm not very technically savvy but as a cop those would be some questions I would ask. I'm also going to agree with several other posters. Document everything you can but you also have to protect yourself. Make sure you know your State laws pertaining to unauthorized use of computers, or whatever your state calls it. Because tablets and smart phones may be considered computers where you are and if you accessed "his" computer, network or email without permission it could come back on you. Good I hate having to write that because yes in this day and age you have to CYA with everything. Sometimes is seems that victims have less rights than suspects.

Just contacting CPS and asking some questions is a good idea. Let them know of your concerns and what your daughter said she saw and what was found on her NOOK.

I'm very sorry your having to deal with this. If your comfortable asking me questions feel free to PM me and I'll answer what I can. Chin up its tough I know.



Me BH-45. WW-39
DD-11 DS-6 DS-3
D day was Valentines day 2014. Talk about a trigger.


Posts: 335 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Down range
hathnofury
Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)

(((NG))) Keep going, you are doing great.

Just wanted to confirm the older Nooks have nada for parental control. Yes, the HD models have some parental controls, but they only go so far. IDK anything about Kindles, but they are probably very similar in that respect.

For those who want to avoid this nightmare best they can, there are a few precautions you can take.

Honestly the BEST thing to do is give kids their own NOOK/Kindle accounts and not share an account with a Nook an adult uses. You can still hook that separate account to the same credit card to pay for books/apps, but they will only see books/apps purchased for that kid Nook. I did this a few years ago with my kids, my Nook is on a different account that the other two kid Nooks. I got on a long customer service call to explain I wanted the kids' stuff separate due to their lack of parental controls, and they happily transferred all the kiddo books and apps I had already purchased from my account to theirs.

I would also suggest to not let the kids have the password to purchases. Obviously if your Ex provided the account, you don't have a lot of say in this. But if the kid knows it, they should share it with you so you can see what they download by checking the account on a computer. With Nooks, you can download stuff, then archive it, so it doesn't show up on the Nook itself but it can be added back later. If I were a kid (or an Ex) trying to hide what was purchased for the kid Nook, that's the way I would hide it.

I would also suggest to not let the kids have access to the password to your wireless network in your home if you don't want them to use the browser, which greatly lacks any sort of truly effective parental controls. Be advised they can go to any free wifi and do whatever. It is possible to turn the browser off but most kids would be able to turn it back on. They would also probably know how to delete the browser history, and I am not aware of any way to retrieve deleted history like you can with a computer.

I would also check to see that the email programs and the YouTube programs are not connected to an adult's account, only their own account or an account you have access to. That way the viewing history and emails are only their own.

Be aware a Nook/Fire is just like a smartphone in that you can download apps for chat, calls, and video chats that you would not see on the bill. Your kids should have total transparency with you on any programs like this.

I think a lot of parents have no idea when they give their kid a Nook/Fire that they don't really understand the implications of what kids can download and access if given free range. Even the basic ones that don't do internet at all, there are tons of free pornographic or adult-themed e-books out there. Please keep yourself informed if you decide to let your kids have one, or if your Ex gets them one. What happened to NG's kid (on the Nook) could still happen to yours even without the help of a psychotic sex addict sociopath by just a persistently clicking kid.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1480 | Registered: Jun 2011
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)

The Nooks are HD and are all linked to my ex's email account. The kids have begged him for their own accounts, he absolutely refuses. He bought them, this is something I had no power to prevent. He has already tried to boss me around regarding the Nooks, telling me that since he bought them I have no right to restrict their use when the kids have them here at home, and so forth. (no, that didn't fly with me)

I mentioned to him that there should be some kind of parental controls activated because there was no ability to put a content filter on them. He ignored me.

I absolutely did not access his email. I could have, but I didn't. No way. Believe me, the temptation is certainly there! But I will not cross that line. I did not access anything that wasn't easily viewable and in the Nook's history or search history or whatever. Nothing "private".

I have not heard back from my IC regarding her conversation with CPS.

I am in the process of creating Gmail accounts for my kids so that they can possibly have their own accounts, not be linked to their dad in any way other than the payment method so he can purchase games for them, and then I will be in charge of the parental controls. He's had his chance to keep the kids safe.

BTW, my kids aren't supposed to have the wireless password because I don't want them on the internet at ALL here at home unless they're on the desktop computer that has Net Nanny installed. This daughter snuck the wireless password. :(


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9714 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
caregiver9000
Member
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)

NG, Gmail has filter options that you can set up such as restricting all images, restricting incoming mail to allow only messages from people on their contacts list. From my experience, they need to be revisited to make sure they are functioning the way you want them to. I have all incoming email to my kids accounts automatically copied to my personal email. (You can set this up for outgoing email as well. I did not.)

There are flaws of course, and no filter should make a parent feel safe. A computer savvy kid will know that gmail is free and set up their own account without your knowledge. Also, chats are not copied. You can turn off chat, but it can be turned right back on.

Just an FYI, PSA. My experience is that these filters worked great when my kids were much younger, but they didn't really use email then.

I hope you get IRL answers and support that you need. Soon. My apologies if the support made you feel untrusted. My own response to this kind of shock/trauma can be to freeze, feel overwhelmed, unable to see what to do, when to do, in what order how, what? should I, shouldn't I, (being a grown up sucks can I change my mind now please?) if only someone would tell me what to do and I could just do it! So, for me, that is what I tried to offer. If only Google maps had directions (for these types of situations) for how to get from here to where I want to be with route choices, estimated expenses and travel time.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5842 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Question  Posted: 12:18 AM, July 30th (Wednesday)

IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE??? I would love all ideas & suggestions on how to:

* make it so that the kids each have their own account for their own Nooks so that they no longer have a "one for all and all for one" situation where they are forced to share books, games, even ID's or names or something. I think the fact that all three Nooks are linked is the root of this problem (other than the fact that my ex is a sicko). I have created a Gmail account now for each of my children to use for this purpose, if that will make this possible. But no way in Hell will I give my ex the password for the Gmail accounts. No f-ing way.

* only are connected to their father's gmail account because that's how new games & apps are purchased. They can't see his email or anything else of his ever again other than the fact that his email is the account to buy stuff. If Chrome or YouTube have to be activated (I don't think they do, but whatevs), then they will be run through the Gmail accounts *I* set up for the kids.

* make each Nook have the child's profile as the ONLY profile so parental controls can be activated and then ONLY modified if a password is entered. I realize I will probably have to share that password with my sicko ex, and as such he'll no doubt leave the password open because he's a careless bastard who gets off on flaunting rules and exposing children to everything wrong in the world, but at least that possibility of safety is available. Right now it is NOT.

ARE THESE THINGS POSSIBLE???


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9714 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
wonderpets
Member
Member # 35901
Default  Posted: 2:35 AM, July 30th (Wednesday)

If the nook is anything like a normal android tablet, it is very easy to use separate accounts for separate purposes. My wife and I share accounts for photos and app purchases, but separate for email.

Posts: 203 | Registered: Jun 2012
realitybites
Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 5:41 AM, July 30th (Wednesday)

What is to stop you from canceling his account totally? Then setting up a new account in your name only? Then you can help set up whatever the kids will need or can use. He as the account holder with his track record should be discontinued anyway. If he doesn't like it tough sh**. Just do it.

JMO.


Posts: 5662 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, July 30th (Wednesday)

(((NG)))

Of course I trust that you will look out for the best interests of your kids, never had a doubt. I was just scared that your experiences with the system might have scared you into not trying yet again.

I applaud your *work around* solution. If the techies at Borders determine there are *inappropriate* links/history, they will make good witnesses.

Sorry if you thought I doubted.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2872 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
nekorb
Member
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, July 30th (Wednesday)

(((NG)))

Ugh. It just doesn't get any less complicated as the days go on, does it?

Please know that we all know here at SI that you are doing everything you can to protect your DD, and we know that you know the situation best.

I think we all get our Mama/Papa Bear hats on and start firing advice at you. Kwim? As always, take what helps you and leave the rest behind.

We know you've got this.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, July 30th (Wednesday)

I agree. I don't think there is one person on here who doesn't think you are doing everything possible to protect those kids.

((((NG))))


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7497 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
badd
Member
Member # 23468
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, July 30th (Wednesday)

NG You are living every parents worst nightmare. I have read your every post and am glad at last you have Tangible Proof! PLEASE Continue your cautious and dutiful work on finding out how to use it. Your daughter "forgets" her Nook today, nothing more. DO NOT Take it to B&N they are likely liable and your proof will be GONE. I pray that CPS gets all over this. If I were you, I'd be typing this from a jail cell. Glad you are together enough to protect your children, you are a tower of strength. I hate him along with everyone else here. I wish there were more we could do. (((((((NG)))))))

Posts: 130 | Registered: Apr 2009
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, July 30th (Wednesday)

I don't own a Nook so I had to search. I would also suggest going to B&N and asking questions as though you're buying a Nook about accounts and parental controls. Have them show you how it works.

Here's a couple of sites I found:
http://blog.laptopmag.com/how-to-enable-parental-controls-on-barnes-nobles-nook-hd

http://internetsafety.trendmicro.com/ereaders-and-parental-controls

Look in the settings, see if there is a restrictions setting where you can password protect internet access and/or content. I can't imagine Nook hasn't set that up as they have a separate reader app on the iOS platform for parents and kids- no other large ereader company has that AFAIK. To me that shows they are trying to make sure the kids can be separate from adults while still sharing accounts. Setting up the Nook parental controls will help while the kids are out of the house.

Meanwhile use the Nooks to document whatever the lawyer tells you to. I know the excuse can be made that the store messed it up when they set it up, but IIRC the younger kids don't have the same level of access to your XH's accounts. That screams grooming to me.

As for the wifi- change the password. I recommend a hard to guess password, longer than the usual 8 or so characters. Use lower case & capital letters. Use numbers and characters. Here's an example:

oB4Ss4@w0g4pMm@tfP
(Oh beautiful for spacious skies...you get the drift).

Using song lyrics and replacing letters with numbers will help you remember while keeping it harder to guess (and hack).

I just set our system up on OpenDNS.com. It provides free filtering on the entire network, not just a device. You can also search for your router and find out how to change the security on it. During the school year I had my router deny access to DS's devices between certain hours.

You have more control than you might think.

If you haven't already, read Protecting the Gift by Gavin Debecker. I'm sure there are other sources out there that can help prepare your kids for the grooming that is happening or will happen.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11197 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
hathnofury
Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, July 30th (Wednesday)

I don't have my Nooks charged up so I can't be 100% sure, but NG I *think* all those things are possible. I would take it to the store and let them set it up for you to have it done that way.

Here's the rub. Absolutely you can wipe and deregister the device and set up their own accounts. The Nooks are set up to B&N accounts, not gmail accounts. The B&N accounts do require a email account and a CC, I think that is where it may be getting confusing for you. So you can totally set up different accounts for them, BUT:
1)They would not have access to all the stuff he bought them previously. You would have to repurchase them all, and if there is a game they all use, once for each Nook.
2)Their purchases would not be connected to his CC, unless he gave you that info (yeah, right!)
3)There is nothing to stop him from wiping them again and putting them back on his account.

Honestly, the best suggestion I can come up with is buy an iPad or tablet with better parental controls they would like better so the Nooks would naturally be abandoned for the shiny new toy. I know that is probably not financially feasible for you, but maybe a family member/guardian angel out there might be able to do that for you.

Also side note - my previous post was not intended as any poor reflection on you. You have done everything you could and were supposed to do in this situation, IMHO. I just wanted to educate others how all this works because I am SURE there are other members that have had their Disney Dad/mom Ex's buy their kids stuff like this and they need to know how to avoid the very stuff you are going through now.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1480 | Registered: Jun 2011
hathnofury
Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, July 30th (Wednesday)

Oh, and the GMail or email apps on the Nook, you can reset them to any gmail account you like without affecting the B&N account the Nook is linked to. That is totally separate. The staff can help you with that too if you want.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1480 | Registered: Jun 2011
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, July 30th (Wednesday)

My ex owns the Nooks. He bought them. I believe I am limited as to the changes I can make when I do not own the devices.

My kids have begged me not to do anything that will wipe out the games they have on their Nooks, particularly Minecraft, Temple Run, and a few others. If I'm understanding things correctly, if the kids get their own accounts (which might be possible now because I set up Gmails for them) but the Nooks maintain my ex's info for the Playstore, then no wiping of games will be necessary. I'm still not sure on this point.

My hope is that we can separate the kids into their own accounts, they keep their games, I enable the parental controls (because my ex seems unable to do so) and share the password for that with him (because these are his devices), I am in charge of the Chrome & YouTube settings (because I have created the new Gmail accounts), and hopefully we can carry on without my ex's filth contaminating the Nooks again. And since I'll have access to the kids' browsers and YouTube accounts, I'll be able to see exactly what they are viewing & handle things if a problem arises.

I think I have this hoped for course of action in my mind pretty well.

NOW I NEED TO COMMUNICATE THIS TO MY EX. Anyone want to bet that he gets mad at me? Shall we make predictions on the various ways he will declare this to all be my fault? Shall we guess the ways he's going to accuse me of making a big deal out of nothing?


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9714 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Holly-Isis
Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, July 30th (Wednesday)

Can you put it off until you talk to the lawyer? Maybe since they are gifts to the kids they will be considered their property- or at least co-owned.

It would look suspicious for him to refuse to place parental controls on their Nooks. You could insist that if they are HIS property they should stay at HIS house. But better for them to come home with them so you can monitor them.

I think in this case just setting it up so he's not aware and can't take countermeasures is better. Especially since there's a visit before you see the lawyer.

IMO this is a case of "better to ask forgiveness than permission".


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11197 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, July 30th (Wednesday)

Don't do anything yet with the nooks.... plz don't warn him that you found stuff on them....wait until child protective sees them...


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2147 | Registered: Jan 2012
FaithFool
Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, July 30th (Wednesday)

I wish there was a way you could 'accidentally' disappear these devices into the nearest body of water.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17413 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, July 30th (Wednesday)

I really don't think this is going to be a CPS investigation. I honestly think if it did get that far then it would be determined as unfounded.

He has a visit with the kids before I speak with the new attorney. In regards to the new attorney, I have no idea if this first visit will be anything other than getting my payment info and basic facts. I have no idea if they will give me an opinion or any guidance whatsoever. It angers me that for all intents & purposes only those with large sums of money (which was me long ago) have access to legal representation.

These Nooks are not my property.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9714 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
hathnofury
Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, July 30th (Wednesday)

NG, I think you may be misunderstanding how the accounts work. Bear with me if you know this, but let me explain so I know you know.

The B&N account is what supplies the book files and apps to the Nook. Not any sort of Gmail account. The only info required to set a B&N account up is a valid email address and a valid CC number. Asshole has that account name, password, email, and CC number and you would not be able to change those. The only concern you really have with the B&N account is if he is buying porn books, or maybe porn videos or videos that are not appropriate for children on his account for his Nook. Every time he buys something on his account, if it is hooked up to his personal Nook, it could show up as downloadable into their Nook unless the parental controls can prevent that. When those show up, you can archive them so the kids can't see them but they may still be able to find a way to get them.

The apps on the Nook that run Gmail, Facebook, email, chats etc are completely separate from the B&N account. You can load whatever email you want to be connected to those apps. It won't affect the B&N account at all, and they can retain all their apps and games and books and whatever else. I think THIS is where you are seeing his email and such, so changing the B&N account won't affect that. If you are seeing his email in the browser, it is because the cookies are retaining his password and such - clearing the cookies would take care of that. You can easily change any apps to be connected to the Gmail accounts you set up without disrupting anything.

Honestly I would not discuss the email apps with him. I would just change them. I am willing to bet he doesn't even know they are set up that way. Worst case scenario he changes them back, and then you know it is intentional. But to be honest I can't imagine why he'd do that, he has nothing to gain from doing so.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1480 | Registered: Jun 2011
hathnofury
Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, July 30th (Wednesday)

So to summarize my above post, in case it is still confusing:

Just change the email on the Gmail app, any email apps, facebook, etc. They won't see his emails any more, and they can keep all their games and he can still buy them more. If you are seeing his email on the browser, clear the history and cookies (assuming you don't need them for evidence), and you won't be able to see it there either. You may have to check each time they come back from a visit if he is using their browser to check his email. You don't have to touch the B&N account that supplies the books/apps to the Nooks at all.

Does it make sense?


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1480 | Registered: Jun 2011
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, July 30th (Wednesday)

Forgive me---you did say that the kids' therapist or pedi would call CPS, correct? That's good news--I'm glad to hear it.

I do think that until it's determined that there will be no investigation, the info on the Nooks needs to be preserved. Actually, I think it should be preserved in any event--because at some point, enough evidence will be amassed that SOMEONE, somewhere, will pay attention.

You can preserve the data so that, even if your ex chooses to scrub things later, you have evidence.

I know you've been "talked" and "talked" to death about this, and it's NOT my intent to add to your burden. Please---feel free to bypass this long post. I do share some info from my daughter, who works at B&N--it might help, but is not something you have to tackle today or tomorrow or even at all. I just want to help. Again, I fully trust your judgment. (The main takeaway from Barnes & Noble, if you want to read just one sentence rather than the whole missive: You can save the info from the Nooks to the cloud to preserve as evidence.)

Needless to say, I'd suggest holding off on making changes to the Nook until you preserve any potential evidence that might EVER be useful.

I would not ask your ex to modify his Nook settings or separate accounts just yet. Nor would I change the settings until I'd archived things the way they are.

Don't tip your hand---let him hoist himself with his own petard. (Well, I'd rather he be hoisted by something else....) He can delete everything in a keystroke, and prolong your battle to protect your babies. Best to be one step ahead of him and get the data archived.

I know there are practical matters associated with withholding the Nooks from your kids long enough to figure out whether they will be used as evidence, and to archive evidence from them. I know the devices are not your property. But he's placed this evidence in YOUR possession. It's a sick, sick gift--but one that might ultimately help you protect your kids. And it only will take a quick trip to B&N (if that) to preserve the evidence.

I know that your kids will want to play the games Dad gave them--any kid would. If you have a Smartphone you can download the Nook app and let them use your device to play the games. Or you can get the Nook app on your computer. That way, they won't complain to Dad that they can't use the Nooks--which will buy you a little time. And a little time is all you need. Maybe little enough that they won't even notice.

Once you archive the data, you can ask your ex to separate accounts so your kids will be spared. But get your evidentiary ducks in a row, first.

My daughter sells Nooks at B&N. She can make a device safe for your child---but only until your ex makes it unsafe again with new porn (or until they download what's been archived to the Cloud to their devices again). For real safety, they need an account separate from his. Given his grooming history, I'd argue that the account needs to be one to which he has no access. I realize this is grossly unfair to you--it's an expense you did not choose to incur.

I'd make a trip to B&N and have them archive the data to your Cloud. Once your ex knows something's up, he can delete the information permanently; you want to save this, in its current state, ASAP. You probably can do this on your own, but I just spent 10 minutes with my Nook, and even though I'm pretty tech savvy I couldn't figure it all out, so I would want help from a Nook manager at B&N.

Once you've got the data archived, then you can breathe a little more deeply. The evidence will be preserved. You can then let things unfold with CPS or the police or whatever, and ask your ex to separate accounts. I'd check with the lawyer about this, but I'd wager that because they were gifts to your children, YOU can close the account and create a new one, if he won't.

Again, I know you are doing your best, and will continue to do so. I really do trust that. I am only sharing this in case there is a tiny nugget of something that might help. I know you've examined all angles, and that this is unlikely--but ...well. Your kids. You. I care, you know? That's all---I care. I don't doubt you, even a little.

Okay, a too-long addendum, and I apologize in advance. I texted my daughter the following question, and her response follows--it includes information I did not think of, involving the aforementioned saving evidence to the cloud. It might help a little. Again, your call--take what you need, leave the rest. We all do trust you. This is not about that.

Me: Hypothetical question: you're working Nook and a mom comes in with her two kids' Nooks, which are linked to her ex's account. You find the ex's porn on one child's Nook. I know that you are a mandatory reporter. Would other B&N employees be required to report to CPS? Would they scrub the device--and if they did could it be forensically recovered if needed?

DD: I know I would have to report. I don't know about other employees, but I will ask a manager. (My addendum: the manager said that employees are not mandatory reporters; if they choose to report, they are supported by management.)

We can reset the device (anyone can, it's in the settings) but if you just delete it, it's gone forever. You can archive it to the Cloud, but then it can be re-downloaded by the kids. Best bet, in my opinion, is to deactivate the device so it's no longer linked to the ex, start a new account for the kids (they'd have to restart their libraries, though)....

DD later: Manager just said the same thing I just did. Best bet is to re-register under a new account and rebuild the library so there's still evidence (my note: he can delete this at any time if you don't save it now) but the kids can't see it. And report to CPS or lawyer.

As always, a million hugs to you and your kids.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8728 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
peridot
Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, July 30th (Wednesday)

NG, all of us on SI know what a great parent you are and you are only trying to protect your kids. A lot of us have had to deal with sick NPD freaks(maybe not as bad as yours though). So we know you are having to be careful in how you proceed. We get that!

Until you know for sure that this is going no where I would not touch those Nooks and I would not confront your XH about anything. Leave him in the dark for now.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4782 | Registered: Feb 2008
hathnofury
Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, July 30th (Wednesday)

NG, I just figured out you may be saying he is buying the apps from Google Play and not B&N directly. Ok. I am not as familiar with that, but I still think you can reset the individual apps (Gmail, Facebook, any chat apps, etc) with the new Gmail accounts you created. If that is the case you don't have to change the account in Google Play at all.

And personally, if it were me, I would just put the parental controls in and provide the PW to him only if he asks. My take is he either doesn't know enough about it to notice, or if he is using their Nooks for inappropriate things, he's going to change the controls anyway. So I'd just play it nonchalant and only respond if necessary. Otherwise he will make it a power struggle and worse for you. "Oh, I saw inappropriate stuff on there, so I just fixed it so they couldn't do pull it up again. Let me know if it causes a problem with stuff they normally are allowed to use and I can adjust it."


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1480 | Registered: Jun 2011
Nature_Girl
Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, July 30th (Wednesday)

CPS says there is not enough to make a case/investigation. Which is what I thought they would say. SO, I will proceed to try and work this out from an account level and hopefully resolve the situation in a way like what we've been talking about on this thread.

The upside of all this is that I've been having some amazing talks with my kids about porn, internet safety, and the line between right & wrong. We've talked about how sometimes people do things that are very wrong, but that doesn't necessarily mean they are a bad person or that we should judge them. Of course I haven't told the kids about the extent of their dad's perversion, I've only kept it to this very age-appropriate level of information.

Sigh...


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9714 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
homewrecked2011
Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, July 30th (Wednesday)

(((naturegirl)))

So child protective won't investigate when a child says they saw their Dad masturbating at the computer and their is now porn on the laptop?

I'm so sorry.....

You were saying about not having your previous counselor anymore....do you have a domestic violence center nearby? Ours is for anyone who has every had DV. ever. and emotional abuse is DV. THere are indiv counseling, children's, group, etc and it's like $1.00 a visit....I'm just thinking it would help to have them in your corner, and many of our counselors have been victims of DV....


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2147 | Registered: Jan 2012
BeHappyAgain
Member
Member # 41289
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, July 30th (Wednesday)

Hugs to you NG! Your kids are so lucky to have you as their mom.

Posts: 103 | Registered: Nov 2013
careerlady
Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, July 31st (Thursday)

NG haven't been around for a few days so I missed this. I'm so sorry. CPS is for shit, they let children be murdered and can't be depended on. I don't know why hell doesn't reclaim your demonic ex sooner. In the meantime I'm glad you are working on a solution and I know you'll come up with a grand one and eventually he will get nailed to the wall on the aggregate.


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 942 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
Girlietoo
Member
Member # 38719
Default  Posted: 11:44 PM, July 31st (Thursday)

I am utterly shocked not only by the counsellor who said he/she can't report based on heresay (that is entirely untrue, it's not for the reporter to know whether something is true or not, only to suspect there might be an concern that needs investigating) but also by CPS who has decided there isn't a case without even speaking to the child.

Most certainly a child witnessing a parent masterbating in a child protection issue. The porn is a "little" less worrisome in the mainstream since theoretically it's entirely possible that it was an accident, assuming it wasn't child porn. Adults are permitted to look at regular porn but a child being exposed to it is absolutely a child protection concern- the first time would likely be a warning.

This is highly irregular and very concerning. This is my field of work and I am utterly shocked that the children have not, at the very least, been questioned.


MTA- I understand you worry about a case being unfounded and wanting to be sure you have enough to get him, lest you look like you are trying to keep the children from him, which could back fire big time.

Amazing that a mom can get arrested for letting her 9yr old to to the park alone but this kind of nonsense goes on!

[This message edited by Girlietoo at 11:51 PM, July 31st (Thursday)]


Me- 40
Him- 47
March 9, 2013- the day my heart died

Posts: 247 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
dmari
Member
Member # 37215
Default  Posted: 1:37 AM, August 1st (Friday)

(((((NG))))) My heart just breaks for you and the kids. Thinking of you, NG.


Me (BS): 42 Children: DD 19, DS 15
Settled at mediation
Officially divorced ... SOON!

Posts: 2234 | Registered: Oct 2012
Topic Posts: 124