User Topic: What does you spouse do to help with triggers??
Member # 43520
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, July 31st (Thursday)

At the end of next month I'm going to be at the start of several big dates that I'm 100% sure will be mega triggers for me so I have that fresh hell to look forward to! Anyway, we are trying really hard to keep things on track and I'm worried that these dates will derail that (and so frankly is my therapist).

What does your spouse do to help talk you off the ledge? I've worked so hard and my BS is trying but I think we could use some suggestions as to how he can help me, because if he wasn't so emotionally retarded he wouldn't have had an affair in the first place. Duh.

Dday: 4th of January, 2014
WH 50
BS 49
18 years of marriage...three children
One affair PA/EA
"You didn't see me I was falling apart, I was a television version of a person with a broken heart." The National

Posts: 273 | Registered: May 2014
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, July 31st (Thursday)

Usually... He's pretty good. Even recognizing triggers as they happen. We talk through it... Why it was a trigger, how I feel about it, etc.

Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
Member # 32240
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, July 31st (Thursday)

My triggers make me feel crazy, I hate them and hate how I feel when they happen. What I like to hear mostly is that FWW understands why I'm having a trigger. It validates me that I'm not actually crazy and it's ok that I'm having a trigger.

Sometimes I just need to talk it through and let her know something is triggering me. If it's something that she can do or not do then hopefully she makes that choice.

Me 41
fWW 37
DD(19), DS(17), DD(11) (Mine, hers, ours)
Together 14y, Married 12
DDay Aug 2010, 4 mos TT & gaslighting
ONS + EA after 15yr Class reunion out of state

Posts: 267 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Minnesota
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, July 31st (Thursday)

Good question! My H has planned a vacation for us on the one-year anniversary of Dday (Valentine's Day). We both know that day is going to be rough for me since I was the one who discovered his A.

As for other triggers, when they hit spontaneously (like seeing or hearing something that triggers memories or brings pain), he can tell by looking at me and hugs me tight. When I have a nightmare, he will talk to me until I can go back to sleep. Last night was one of those nights and we talked until his alarm went off for work. He really has been quite wonderful...

Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 446 | Registered: May 2014
Member # 43520
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, July 31st (Thursday)

That's great to hear. Thank you and all further responses welcome!

Dday: 4th of January, 2014
WH 50
BS 49
18 years of marriage...three children
One affair PA/EA
"You didn't see me I was falling apart, I was a television version of a person with a broken heart." The National

Posts: 273 | Registered: May 2014
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, July 31st (Thursday)

I'm in year two so I've been through all the significant dates. For me, the anticipated triggers tend to affect me less than the ones I'm not expecting.
What has worked for us with known trigger dates (places etc) is to talk a lot about them beforehand and have a thorough plan. I'm not sure what type of triggers you're anticipating but I'll give you some examples of things that we did last year.
1. Anniversary: it was two months after final DDay and I was a mess. H had to work and planned a whole day at the spa for me and dinner out. He texted me all day. It was still hard but his thoughtfullness helped a lot.
2. His birthday (I discovered an EA on his bday): we went out for lunch together, I made him a cake (stupid EAAP bought him one last year) and we had a nice family dinner. He also took the afternoon off and we talked and he listened (kids were at school)
3. Actual DDay: he stayed close by and available (while at work) and kept in close contact. Lots of talking and hugging and remorse.
I don't know if those type of things help at all. For me it's the plan itself that calms me down, and discussing in advance with H helps me feel supported and safe.
I hope yours end up being easier than you anticipate. :)

Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 960 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, July 31st (Thursday)

Mine holds me, comforts me, tells me he is sorry, and listens to anything I have to say. He will tell me that he is here for me, talk things thru with me, and tell me he loves me. The most important part for me, I think, is feeling validated and that he cares.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 8:56 PM, July 31st (Thursday)]

Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15407 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, July 31st (Thursday)

Mine doesn't help me really. He thinks I want to fight when I tell him something triggered me. Then he "reminds" me that I shouldn't let OW control my life. Nice huh? He thinks that is support.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, July 31st (Thursday)

there is nothing he can do but say he's sorry. it doesn't help. i feel it's all up to me now to overcome triggers.
He can comfort me all he wants. IT doesn't take what happened away.

his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”

Posts: 5520 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
New Member
Member # 43705
Default  Posted: 8:38 PM, August 1st (Friday)

I don't say anything about triggers. Should I?

D Day June 2014
Me 59
fWH 67
Married 6 years

Posts: 35 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 10