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Reconciliation
User Topic: Help! OW child enrolled in my class
MyBrknHrt
New Member
Member # 44323
Shocked  Posted: 6:51 PM, July 31st (Thursday)

Long time lurker here. First post because I really need help, advice and support. I teach at a small private catholic school and just found out the OW enrolled her child in my class. I love teaching my grade and do not want to leave my school. I feel that changing grades would only give her more power over my life. But I feel like she screwed me over once and now she's doing it again. What do I do? How do I handle this? Yes, she knows I teach at this school and she knows I'm the teacher of this grade. I feel sick and but mostly


Me-BW
H-WH
Married 22 years
3 kids 19,17,13
Dday 6-11

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jul 2014
kansas1968
Member
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, July 31st (Thursday)

Wow! She must really be sick to do such a thing. She has no idea how you will treat her child. Is she crazy!!!!
I really don't have any advice, but maybe you should tell the school administrators about the situation and see what can be done. I know that is hard, but I just don't know what the heck I would do. I could not teach that child with a loving heart, that I know.


Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1319 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
kansas1968
Member
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, July 31st (Thursday)

Of course, if your husband ended the affair, then she probably harbors a lot of ugly thoughts for you. So you could just be a WONDERFUL teacher for her child so her child would tell his or her mother how wonderful you are every night.


Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1319 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
MyBrknHrt
New Member
Member # 44323
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, July 31st (Thursday)

I have spoken with administration and they can't do anything. "A child shouldn't be punished for the behavior of their parents." My principal asked if I wanted to switch grade levels but I think that would be like she stole my career too.


Me-BW
H-WH
Married 22 years
3 kids 19,17,13
Dday 6-11

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jul 2014
MyBrknHrt
New Member
Member # 44323
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, July 31st (Thursday)

Thanks Kansas. You made me laugh when I didn't think I could.


Me-BW
H-WH
Married 22 years
3 kids 19,17,13
Dday 6-11

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jul 2014
MyBrknHrt
New Member
Member # 44323
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, July 31st (Thursday)

Oh and yes he has ended it. He is being supportive but honestly we don't know where to go from here. He said he would support whatever my decision is and he is so sorry for the suffering his actions have brought.


Me-BW
H-WH
Married 22 years
3 kids 19,17,13
Dday 6-11

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jul 2014
hopefull77
Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, July 31st (Thursday)

You love your job and the grade you teach....the child will be just another student in your class.....I know that sounds flippant and I don't mean it to be....
just make sure if OW wants a meeting with you regarding
her child to have an aide or someone else in the room with you....parent teacher conference time same deal...try and always have your ' teacher hat' on!
It could be a long school year but remember you are in charge of your classroom!!!!
Is your principal trustworthy? A good principal always has their teachers back....without divulging any information you can always say something like ' this parent makes me uncomfortable I'd prefer to not be alone with them....'
Hang in there....


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 09-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 622 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
MyBrknHrt
New Member
Member # 44323
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, July 31st (Thursday)

No you don't sound flippant. I've been telling myself something along those lines as we'll. My principal does know and has expressed to me a willingness to help in any way. She has even offered a sit down meeting with the OW and set up guidelines. Honestly, I don't want her in my class EVER! Nor do I want her on any field trips. I usually have parent volunteers everyday, and parents must pick up directly from my classroom. I'm thinking of asking my principal to tell her she must pick up in the office or arrange for someone else to pick her daughter up from school.


Me-BW
H-WH
Married 22 years
3 kids 19,17,13
Dday 6-11

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jul 2014
Hatemyhusband
Member
Member # 41633
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, July 31st (Thursday)

I'd take the higher road here. The child is a
Child. When u teach, u love children. Don't punish child by having her:him picked up differently than other students.

I'd either switch grade levels (for the year) or call a meeting with OW and principal. During meeting state that you r professional and will treat her child like any others but feel there is a huge conflict of interest knowing past history. Ask her (in front of principal) if she is sure she wants to keep child in ur class and let her know if she does, any phone conversations, emails, conferences will need to be done w ur principal present.


Posts: 354 | Registered: Dec 2013
hopefull77
Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, July 31st (Thursday)

When my now 32 yearold daughter was in 2nd grade I was a room mother...we al met with the teacher and she pretty much said I will ok who goes on field trips etc....
this is your class room!!!! Don't forget that!!!
There are soo many volunteers for stuff like that especially in the younger grades...you should be ok! Although not sure what grade you teach....
as far as pick up we always had a car line....all the teachers were on duty for that....
I would suggest don't change routine because of OW....don't give her the power....she is on YOUR turf!!!! Hold your head high and do what you do best TEACH!!!you could be the kids favorite teacher!!!
living well is the best revenge!!!!


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 09-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 622 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
Ginny
Member
Member # 43196
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, July 31st (Thursday)

Ugh! I am so sorry you have to go through this. What an ugly person she must be to use her child like this!

I agree, you can't treat her child any differently regarding pick up, etc. Sadly, for your own peace of mind I think your only choice is to change grade level. Think about whether you really want to deal with this day in and day out all year long! It may be more prep work now, but it might save you grief in all sorts or ways later on in the school year.

I'm sorry. It sucks.


BW49
FWH50
DDay 11-02-13
Married 30 years
2 month PA/EA with COW
DS28
Trying to R

Posts: 98 | Registered: Apr 2014
MyBrknHrt
New Member
Member # 44323
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, July 31st (Thursday)

I hope I didn't confuse anyone. When I stated that I didn't "want her in my class", I was referring to the OW. Hopeful reminded me that I am in control of my class which helped me tremendously. I was feeling as though the OW was taking my control away.

The difficulty will be not remembering the video OW took of her daughters first steps ...toward my husband...and then posted it online. If I don't have to see or interact with the OW then I believe i can see this child as any other student. But I worry that if I have to see the OW the memory of affair will be there too as will the knowledge of how she tried to steal my kids daddy to give her kid one.

[This message edited by MyBrknHrt at 8:49 PM, July 31st (Thursday)]


Me-BW
H-WH
Married 22 years
3 kids 19,17,13
Dday 6-11

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jul 2014
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 9:24 PM, July 31st (Thursday)

I am a teacher as well. I have checked the enrollment of our school to see if OW2 by chance has open enrolled her daughter. I teach every student in our building.

If that by chance happens, I'll quit. Life is short and I'm not going to be reminded of what happened. It would slap me in the face every time I saw her, and I'm sure she's a great kid. Doesn't matter. I create the peace in my life.

That said, if you could get through the year being a compassionate teacher to this child, you can rest assured that you are a person of integrity and morals. And that you value children.

Good luck with this. I couldn't do it.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5280 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Lovedyoumore
Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, July 31st (Thursday)

I would be very suspect of the OW and her motives. Why would she seek this school and class, knowing you are the teacher? You are in a hard place. You could treat this child like royalty and the OW could still accuse you of mistreatment. Who would your admin believe? I have seen parents with grudges get teachers suspended, reassigned, and fired. You need to document everything, make some very firm boundaries, and have other people present at every face to face.
I agree that children should not be punished, but parents make harmful decisions every day that negatively affect their children, especially regarding infidelity. This is your career, not a past time. I think your admin has failed you on this and I am not sure they would stick for you if OW creates drama.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1527 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
Lark
Member
Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 11:29 PM, July 31st (Thursday)

I think just treating the child like you would any student.

And glad you told the administration. That she specifically enrolled her child to be with you... I would be paranoid about ulterior motives of trying to get you in trouble at work or something.


“It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” - Dumbledore

Posts: 737 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
MyBrknHrt
New Member
Member # 44323
Default  Posted: 11:58 PM, July 31st (Thursday)

I agree with you. I need to document everything. Luckily, I have a full time aide so I have a "witness" if necessary. As for boundaries, I told administration "while no child should be punished for their parents actions, I (the employee) also deserve to have a safe working environment." In order to feel safe and do my job effectively I can not have the parent anywhere near my work space. OW must drop off and pick up on the opposite side of my wing or arrange for someone else to drop off and pick up. OW is not to come anywhere near me. OW will not help in the class. OW will not go on any class field trips. Parent/teacher conferences will be with the child's dad or another representative. My boss will call a meeting with the OW to let her know these boundaries. Hopefully the OW won't like them and decide this isn't the place for her.

[This message edited by MyBrknHrt at 12:03 AM, August 1st (Friday)]


Me-BW
H-WH
Married 22 years
3 kids 19,17,13
Dday 6-11

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jul 2014
MegM
Member
Member # 34941
Default  Posted: 12:34 AM, August 1st (Friday)

MBH

I am so sorry. I understand the professional difficulties in front of you because so much about teaching a young child can be strengthened in a good 'working' relationship with the parent.

Congratulations on your wisdom in confiding in your principal and seeking her support.

In terms of a management plan I suggest ensuring that going forward your principal agrees in writing to a number of management strategies. Eg: that you will not be expected to meet with this parent at all, that the parent can drop the child to the office if required but never to the your classroom.

I would request that your principal personally meet with her and get her agreement in writing that she is happy that will meet her childs needs and is happy to go ahead with the enrolment with that understanding. and I would get the management plan in writing between you and your principal.

Should interviews with the parent be required they will be with the Principal. That you could submit case notes in writing, respond to any queries in writing and that all of this will need to go through the Principal.

As a parent I wouldn't agree to this and would enroll my child elsewhere - but given the fact she has enrolled her KNOWING you are there I believe she will have done so just to make mischief and put pressure on you in your work place.

All opportunities for her to do that need to be limited.

it is a terrible situation you are in. As a private catholic school they would have enrollment criteria - like priority for parish / catholic children etc - do they fit the criteria of your school?

best wishes

Meg


BS / fWS me 41 (@ DDay)
WS / BS him 39-BlindFreddy (@DDay)
My DD's 13 Jan 2012 / 29 Jan / 27 Feb (Trickle truth for 5 wks)
His DDay Dec 2003 (details 06/12)
Married
3 ch(6 - 16 at discovery)
remembering "Sunshine on my shoulders"

Posts: 644 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Australia
Asil0623
Member
Member # 42419
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, August 1st (Friday)

I'm a teacher. I would quit or change grades before I would deal with this. You never know what will come up over the course of a school year. Behavior, failing grades, etc. I would not want to spend the next 180 school days worrying about dealing with this woman. I agree that it isn't the child's fault but this is asking a lot of you!

I'd have to do some serious praying to keep my heart in the right place. This woman sounds sadistic!

Asil


Me-BS
Him- WH
Reconciling? It takes two.

Posts: 60 | Registered: Feb 2014
scaredyKat
Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, August 1st (Friday)

The principal should meet with the mother and lay the facts on the line. This puts you in a very dangerous position, professionally. If the child is never involved in any classroom problem, gets perfect grades, fine. But any difficulty at all sets you up for am accusation of bias. While I'm certain it would be unfounded, she could make your life hell.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3667 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, August 1st (Friday)

Hopefully the OW won't like them and decide this isn't the place for her.

This is what I was going to suggest! Make the rules so strict, and make sure OW knows that others in the school know of her past, and maybe she'll just leave.

I'd make it clear that if OW breaks these rules, her daughter will be asked to leave the school. The last thing you need is OW showing up 10 minutes before school ends and just 'showing up' at your door grinning and waiting for her daughter. She needs to understand that if she breaks these rules, ever, her daughter will be asked to leave due to the parent's behavior.

I can't believe she isn't doing this on purpose. And I may be different, but the fact that those child's first steps were toward your WS would make me cringe just seeing the child. Yes, it's not her fault, but she would be a huge trigger.


I'm so sorry OW is being so nasty. This reeks of intentional harassment. Sad that she's using her child to do this.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Hatemyhusband
Member
Member # 41633
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, August 1st (Friday)

More I think about it, change grades or quit

Something is fishy. She's probably going to make it a stressful yr for u and ur career could be at jeopardy

It's ONE year. Change grade levels.
Don't do this to urself


Posts: 354 | Registered: Dec 2013
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, August 1st (Friday)

Oh hell no. She is doing this on purpose.

Sounds to me like she is tryint to set you up for failure.

I am shocked at the way that your administration kind of blew you off at first, saying there was nothing that they could do. I am glad that they redeemed themselves somewhat.

I completely agree with the poster that said you don't want her showing up at your door, grinning at you, and picking up her daughter.

I hope administration hammers her to the point that she backs out. They can't possibly need her tuition that bad that they would allow themselves to be unwilling participants in her little messed up game.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3412 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
hopefull77
Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, August 1st (Friday)

MyBrknHrt
I sent you a private message!


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 09-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 622 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
Taurus43
New Member
Member # 44230
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, August 1st (Friday)

I lived your situation. The OW requested her child be in my classroom when she was having an affair with my husband. I found out the last three weeks of school. It was so hard! I loved her child but seeing him was a constant reminder. Hearing his stories from home and having her accuse me of taking it out on him was too much. Think it through, that is a huge trigger. I felt uncomfortable in my classroom. It changed how I felt about my job which I love. Something else she took from me! She invaded my home life and my work life.

Posts: 1 | Registered: Jul 2014
MyBrknHrt
New Member
Member # 44323
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, August 1st (Friday)

Do I have any legal rights in this situation? I keep wondering if I should see a lawyer about this. I too felt like it was harassment but OW has never contacted me or tried to interfere in our lives these past three years. She has gotten married and facebook shows her to be happy and "totally in love with her man".


Me-BW
H-WH
Married 22 years
3 kids 19,17,13
Dday 6-11

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jul 2014
What2Do76
Member
Member # 30349
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, August 2nd (Saturday)

I am so angry at your administration. Can they not see what the OW is doing? Did she just enroll the child this year or something? You teach at a private school, but would you have any kind of a union that can help you with negotiations with the admin in getting that poor child out of your classroom? I know in this economy its hard to look for work elsewhere, but seriously, I would want to leave the school because the admin is spineless. The whole scenario is a lawsuit waiting to happen if that child goes in your class. Document everything, and never communicate with that OW unless your principal is present. Have the principal hold a meeting with the OW. Maybe when admin talk with the OW, her personality will start showing and then they will realize that she is a problem parent. I am so upset for you. This is terribly shortsighted of the admin. Do they really think that the child will be enrolled in your class and everything will just run smoothly after that? The OW will be a pain for the whole year! Her poor kid! What a sick piece of work. Again, I am so sorry.

ETA: Please see a lawyer! And don't look at FakeBook. The OW is just using it to lie and pretend her life is great. If I were you, I would contact her new hubby to let him know that you will be the teacher for his step child and what your connection to the OW is. It's fishy that she's pulling a stunt like this if she's happily married.

[This message edited by What2Do76 at 7:16 AM, August 3rd (Sunday)]


D-Day 11/20/10
Love Is Not Constantly Wondering If You Are Making the Biggest Mistake of Your Life

Posts: 379 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ontario
StillStanding1
Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 2:27 PM, August 2nd (Saturday)

My heart breaks for you... What an incredibly stressful situation.

I have had my kids in a small private Catholic school for 16 years now... I know what it's like. The parents are very involved and get pretty chummy with each other. I, too, find it very odd and suspect that she would choose to enroll her child in your class.

Besides dealing with OW on any behavior issues, you also run the risk of OW bad-mouthing you and trying to "stir the pot" with other parents.

I think this is an unbelievable amount of added stress -- needing to deal with this every day and constantly watching your back. I have very good friends who are teachers at private schools and I know how it can be. I think you need to protect yourself, your sanity, and your reputation. No matter how well you treat the OC and the other students, you are opening yourself up for all sorts of trouble.

I know it's not my decision to make, and I think you are wonderfully generous-hearted to think you could treat this child normally, but I would strongly urge you to switch grades for one year.

If the OW is looking to get under your skin, you can show her that you can avoid her attempts. Maybe she will give up and go away. I cannot fathom why she is choosing to do this. It sounds pretty evil to me. And if you're dealing with a wacko, you just don't know what she is capable of.

I'm nervous on your behalf. I hope you can come up with the right solution for yourself.


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 715 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
MyBrknHrt
New Member
Member # 44323
Default  Posted: 4:12 PM, August 2nd (Saturday)

I am new here but I have to say , I love this site!
I should have joined years ago. I feel supported and accepted and understood. Other than my boss, I hadn't told anyone about the affair. Not my family, not my closest friends. I didn't realize just how alone I was feeling until I joined here. Thank you for this amazing gift.

My principal is meeting with the OW on Monday. I'm feeling strong right now, thanks to all of you. I'm going to call a friend and get a pedicure before the feeling passes!


Me-BW
H-WH
Married 22 years
3 kids 19,17,13
Dday 6-11

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jul 2014
hopefull77
Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, August 2nd (Saturday)

You know the administration wants NO drama...
Trust me its hard enough with making the big decisions...dealing with drama is always a head shaker...
the Catholic schools have the archdiocese behind them and they have legal teams....
You will be OK!!! In my opinion SHE is the one that should be minding her P's and Q's ...she will KNOW she will be watched very carefully....
Enjoy that pedicure!


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 09-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 622 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Red  Posted: 9:20 PM, August 2nd (Saturday)

What2Do76,

Please follow the forum guidelines. There is no OW namecalling in the Reconciliation Forum.

Thank you.


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
jpumpkin
Member
Member # 42148
Default  Posted: 2:05 AM, August 3rd (Sunday)

As a teacher, I would not do this under any circumstance. I don't care what the administration offers as a compromise, I would not do it. What are they going to do if she breaks the rules when "you can't punish the child for what the adults do"? I've seen parents make life miserable for teacher without affair drama. What if her child is a behavior problem or has issues that will get blown off because she'll claim you are the problem because of your history.

Even without that, I would not want that daily reminder. I would change grades and consider it an opportunity for something new.


Posts: 62 | Registered: Jan 2014
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, August 4th (Monday)

Make sure you update us as to how the meeting with the principal and the OW goes.

I REALLY hope they make everything go in your favor. I would agree with the poster who said that small catholic schools tend to have very involved parents who become chummy. The parents are very involved with their students, the school, fundraisers, etc. That's how my daughter's school is. Everyone knows everything. You don't want OW hanging around and you especially don't want to have OW's child in your class.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3412 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
PurpleRose
Member
Member # 33129
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, August 4th (Monday)

Teacher here.. As well as a former Catholic school parent.

First, there is NO way I would teach the OW's child. That is setting yourself up for an enormously stressful year. Why would you want to tackle that? I totally understand being a bigger person, not punishing the child for the sins of the parent, blah blah blah..

But this is your job. You will spend more time with the OW child than your own kids this year. Do you really want the reminder of what your WS did every single day?

I would switch grades if the admin allows this OW to stay enrolled. It's NOT worth it...


divorced the Dooosh
*****************************
even if you find your voice,
sometimes it does not matter anymore,
when you speak to a man who is deaf by choice.
~dodinsky

Posts: 3612 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: Happyville
StillStanding1
Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, August 4th (Monday)

Good luck with your meeting...

From my own experience with the private school hierarchy, I'd suggest giving the principal a view of the potential risk to the school, especially if this parent decides to stir the pot with other parents. I'm guessing the principal may not be thinking of the "big picture" of the ramifications here. He/she may just believe this is a "personal" issue for you. I don't believe that to be true. If the principal understands the potential issues, perhaps he/she will be more open to the idea of denying this student's application for the school.

I think that would be the ideal situation.

Please let us know how it goes. You shouldn't have to deal with this crap!!!!!


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 715 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
yme32313
Member
Member # 42091
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, August 4th (Monday)

With a full time aide... Use her to communicate with the other woman on how her child is progressing in your class where you don't have to deal with her.

The aide can just say that you have a full plate and if problems and concerns are needed to be address to communicate to her and if she wants to write it to send her an email and she can be the messenger between you and her. Your aide should be your best friend through this year to help you and you're just going to need more help with this student.

Yes I know that it's not the child's fault and being the professional you are. You'll be more than willing to educate this child for the year and get that obstacle out of the way.


Me: 31
H: 55
Dated: Aug. 2003 M: Mar. 2013
Cheated: While dating

Posts: 181 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New Mexico
MyBrknHrt
New Member
Member # 44323
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, August 4th (Monday)

Ok so my principal met with the ow today. Bottom line is the child is in my class but ow is not allowed anywhere near me or my classroom nor is she allowed to go on any field trips. Drop off and pick up are on other side of campus, and conferences are to be with dad. If she fails to follow these stipulations she will be asked to leave.


Me-BW
H-WH
Married 22 years
3 kids 19,17,13
Dday 6-11

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jul 2014
HurtHarlequin
New Member
Member # 42217
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, August 4th (Monday)

I tried to respond yesterday but my iPad flipped out and deleted my nearly-finished response, and it was a long one. I'm gonna try again, and it's long, but I think it may help since I was a situation that wasn't exactly the same, but the solution may translate.

I'm a special education teacher. One of my students last year was a lovely girl with a very demanding mother who was very much a bully. My colleagues told me she's been this way with every other teacher that has had her child.

Basically, everything it did wasn't right to her. The work I gave her kid was way too challenging, and then it was way too easy. I was sending home too much stuff, then it wasn't sending enough. She complained to anyone who would listen that her daughter was regressing in my class, her performance was worse since I'd been there (lies. We tested her several times with several tests, she was actually improving).

She would tell the principals that her daughter came home crying over how mean I was, how mean other students were, and how I let it happen. She said I would punish her daughter for no reason. Again, all lies. When interviewed by the guidance councellors, principals, other teachers, etc, the student never once said anything that her mother was claiming, she actually love my class.

She wrote aggressive emails and notes to me demanding explanations for everything, cutting down my teaching ability, basically being a bully. She sent these emails and notes to other parents as we'll.

I know this is long, bear with me, I totally have a point, I promise.

My bosses and several other parents had witnessed this behavior with other teachers, and assured me she did this before, and I was not the problem. So, here was how I got her to finally lay off:

I killed her with kindness. I was always nice, smiling pleasantly and speaking calmly when I saw her in person. In notes and emails ( of which I made copies and cc'd to my bosses, as teachers we must always cover our asses) I was sickeningly sweet and saccharine. I was always chirpy and cheerful with her, when she would have a brutally worded complaint, my response was "thanks for the info! I'm glad you told me. I appreciate it when parents communicate their concerns, it helps me improve my class and my ability to teach your child!"
Of course, once I was with my TAs or with friends, I vented like crazy, I just never let her see me mad.

This sounds like absolute bullshit. But it works. It pissed her off to no end that she could not get a rise or negative response from me!

I think OW may be trying to do the same thing: bully you and get a rise out of you. Show her it won't work, and she'll get bored and stop. Also, let your boss know just in case she tries to tell them something. Mine understood and it never affected my job, they knew she was lying and just trying to start stuff.

A positive: it will make her SO mad when her silly little scheme won't work :)


D-Day: Jan 25th, 2014
Me: BW
He: WH

I cannot believe this shit is actually happening.


Posts: 20 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
MyBrknHrt
New Member
Member # 44323
Default  Posted: 1:52 AM, August 5th (Tuesday)

Hubby and I went out for ice cream after dinner tonight and as we talked about changing grades, I came across a few truths.

Truth #1
I've been married 22 years. I've been teaching 22 years. She tried to take my husband away. I'll be d------ if I'm going to let her take my job from me too!

Truth #2
So if she thought she could break me, she can't. She wasn't successful then, and she won't be successful now. I am stronger, smarter, and more lovely than she inside and out.

Truth #3
I have terrific friends, a loving family, and a husband who has realized what fool he was and is working to be the husband I want and deserve.

I don't know if I kill her with kindness, but perhaps indifference is enough.


Me-BW
H-WH
Married 22 years
3 kids 19,17,13
Dday 6-11

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jul 2014
MegM
Member
Member # 34941
Default  Posted: 4:43 AM, August 5th (Tuesday)

Thank you for checking in and updating - MBH

Firstly I am glad your Principal has supported your boundaries and seems prepared to act on them. Did you get this in writing as well? If you havent' already forward her an email just detailing the agreement to confirm your understanding. Her reply can be supporting documentation just in case for the future.

secondly I am very pleased to see your last post!

You are right ... indifference is the key - if she is doing this to have an impact / attention then starve her of it.

Professionally continue to protect yourself and document, document, document.

Her choice to send her daughter to your school is crazy - unless for some reason it is the only option she had available (ie daughter being terribly bullied and your school / class is only other available within reasonable driving distance).

but I know you know that.


BS / fWS me 41 (@ DDay)
WS / BS him 39-BlindFreddy (@DDay)
My DD's 13 Jan 2012 / 29 Jan / 27 Feb (Trickle truth for 5 wks)
His DDay Dec 2003 (details 06/12)
Married
3 ch(6 - 16 at discovery)
remembering "Sunshine on my shoulders"

Posts: 644 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Australia
hopefull77
Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, August 5th (Tuesday)

Indifference is the goal for sure!
The principal set some big boundaries and she has your back....
if the OW is a hands on mom this might be hard for her...lets see if she lasts...
Do your job and do it well!!!
keep us posted! 2014-2015 school year will be interesting to say the least!!


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 09-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 622 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
Ginny
Member
Member # 43196
Default  Posted: 6:57 AM, August 18th (Monday)

How is it going, mybrknhrt? I have been thinking of you as school starts. I hope you are doing well!


BW49
FWH50
DDay 11-02-13
Married 30 years
2 month PA/EA with COW
DS28
Trying to R

Posts: 98 | Registered: Apr 2014
MyBrknHrt
New Member
Member # 44323
Default  Posted: 1:17 AM, August 20th (Wednesday)

G-
Thankfully things have been going very well. We've been in session for a week now and so far the OW is following the boundaries set in place before school began. She apparently is "so embarrassed" and "not proud of what she did".

My student is exactly that another student. The first day was so busy that I really didn't have time to think about the ow at all. However, I did notice that I didn't even want to look at this student on the first day.

As the students came in on the third day many students greeted me with a hug. However, this one stood slightly behind the others, looking timid and unsure of her welcome. (I'm not sure what made me do it, I didn't even realize what I was doing till I'd done it) Next thing I knew I opened my arms to her and gave her a hug too.

Turns out my boss was right and I just needed reminding. Children are innocent. And I just don't have it in me to be mean to a child.


Me-BW
H-WH
Married 22 years
3 kids 19,17,13
Dday 6-11

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jul 2014
veronique12
Member
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, August 20th (Wednesday)

Wow, that's an amazing story MyBrknHrt. I am really touched. Maybe having this child in your class will turn out to be a blessing and help you find peace. You sound like you've overcome a major obstacle with flying colors. I'm proud of you.


BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 553 | Registered: Jan 2014
Ginny
Member
Member # 43196
Default  Posted: 12:40 AM, August 24th (Sunday)

Next thing I knew I opened my arms to her and gave her a hug too.

Wow! Good for you! That just shows what a wonderful teacher you must be.

I am a music teacher and taught OW's daughter for years. I pray she never finds out what her mother did. I really thought the world of that girl.


BW49
FWH50
DDay 11-02-13
Married 30 years
2 month PA/EA with COW
DS28
Trying to R

Posts: 98 | Registered: Apr 2014
SpecialK
Member
Member # 42372
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, August 24th (Sunday)

God bless you, you don't know what the mother has told the little girl about you, and your spontaneous welcoming hug was just what she needed. Your heart is in the right place. Good luck

Posts: 313 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Florida
Asil0623
Member
Member # 42419
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, August 24th (Sunday)

What kind of mother would put her innocent child in this position?? She has no idea how you'll treat her child. I'm not saying YOU, personally, would pick on her child but she really doesn't know you, does she?


Me-BS
Him- WH
Reconciling? It takes two.

Posts: 60 | Registered: Feb 2014
hopefull77
Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, August 24th (Sunday)

Thanks for the update....did not know when school started for you....
love the hug story...!!


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 09-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 622 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
Forged1
Member
Member # 43418
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, August 24th (Sunday)

That was very decent of you. While it obviously isn't the child's fault, that doesn't make it any easier for you.

If anybody needs reminding that the world is full of fantasic people, they should come and read this thread.


Me: BH - 30s
Her: WW - 30s

Married - 2008
PA with boss for at least 5 months in 2013, possibly longer.
DDay - Feb 2014
Separated, heading to D
==================================
At this stage, I'm pretty much bulletproof.


Posts: 307 | Registered: May 2014 | From: USA
MyBrknHrt
New Member
Member # 44323
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, August 26th (Tuesday)

Thanks for your kind words and encouragement. I definitely had help from above on this one.

As for what kind of mother is she? I don't think there are enough adjectives that can truly convey the type of woman she is.

While I did confront her during the A telling her, " if you won't leave my husband alone as one woman to another; as one mother to another, leave my children's father alone. Don't be the reason they have a broken home." , she doesn't know me. (Ack! Errors I know. Too tired to figure it out.)

I guess now she knows me as the woman WH couldn't, wouldn't and didn't leave. And not just for the kids!!


Me-BW
H-WH
Married 22 years
3 kids 19,17,13
Dday 6-11

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jul 2014
Topic Posts: 49