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Divorce/Separation
User Topic: Why did I breed with him. Why???
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, August 2nd (Saturday)

Infidelity aside he is a simpleton. So many people have asked what I ever saw in him as he was/is clearly intellect deficient.

Last week I receive an idiotic missive about uniforms. The inventory hasn't changed in 2 years yet he asks me for a list of what I have. I haven't been home a lot and was going to respond tomorrow but a part of me was thinking.... This doesn't warrant a response. He ordered and paid for them as per our decree. The inventory hasn't changed for 2 years.

I realised today that he has kept all winter uniforms as she had a mufti day Friday (no uniform day) so I had to ask him to return a set.

Me
Please return one of DD6s winter dresses, a long sleeved polo and her sport shoes by 9pm on Sunday night. This needs to occur whenever there is a non-uniform day.

Let me know when you've done it so I know to check immediately.

Sad Clown
I'll give you her shoes, but you have everything else. I gave you a list of what I have and got no response so I assume you are sorted. I will mention that I no longer have any skorts as you have kept those after letting you know I only have 1 pair.
When I get home tomorrow I will leave them at your front door and send you an SMS.

Me
I haven't been home much since your text so haven't had a chance to respond.

I have 2 short sleeve polos, 2 summer dresses and 2 skorts.

Each of us will be left with only 1 skort in the week that we aren't dropping her off on a Mon. ie: you will have a second one when you pick her up Mon arvo and I will be left with one for the week then I will have a second one when I pick her up Mon week.

You have all 3 winter uniforms and long sleeved Polos.

I have returned a winter uniform and long sleeve polo to you when I happen to have all 3 sets (eg mufti days or long weekends). It is common sense as well as a strategy to avoid having these useless conversations.

Please return a winter uniform and long sleeve polo to me with the sports shoes.

The winter uniform and polo cycle works the same way as the skorts. There are 3 - one on her and one at each of our homes. Both of us will only have 1 set at any given time. With the second set coming home ON DD6.

I may be missing an important factor here Ben I personally can't see it. The inventory hasn't changed in 2 years.

You retained it because I didn't respond according to a deadline you kept to yourself thereby forcing me to respond to you on an issue you already know the answer to.

Again, please stop trying to create reasons for us to communicate. We would all be better for it.

Sad Clown
I understand all of that SBB. I'll send over a dress and a long sleeve polo, but I don't have any skorts or short sleeved polo's, so I'm a little lost there.
Should I SMS you when I am coming over with the clothes, or would you prefer something else?

Me
I just realised there are probably only 2 skorts and 2 short sleeve polos. DD6 will be wearing one skort on Monday with a long sleeve polo and I will return a short sleeve polo to you and her black school shoes. I prefer an SMS saying “done” as you drive away.

I was way too wordy and I could have left the cease and desist request out but this bloody uniform-gate has come up in some form for the last few months and I want to shut it down. He is a shame parented shame parenter so this usually makes him STFU.

I'm a dream XW. Invisible. I have been for almost 18m now.

Lots have it much worse - I'm finding it hard to be grateful right now. All I can think is I prefer to not have to deal with you at all.

I don't enjoy parallel parenting but I hate parallel parenting with a lower muppet.

Just saying'.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, August 2nd (Saturday)

I hear ya. I heard from a friend where my ex happened to be when he went out of town recently, and my first thought was, "Maybe they're looking at real estate!?!?" Where he was visiting is probably a ten-hour drive or so away.

I love my kids so much, but I hate that having them comes with a price. It must be so nice to have kids with someone whom one actually has a great relationship with.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3620 | Registered: Oct 2011
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, August 2nd (Saturday)

I love my kids so much, but I hate that having them comes with a price.

That is exactly it. It is hard to read but that is exactly it.

It must be so nice to have kids with someone whom one actually has a great relationship with.

Yes. I kind of expected D because I don't know that I've ever believed many people are capable of Till Death Do Us Part. I kind of always thought the only way we'd get that is if he died relatively early. I'm only half joking.

I never expected this, though. I loved him once. I chose to have children with him once. He chose to have children with me once. I honestly never expected this. Some days the shock hits you again, IYKWIM? Today was one of those days and it was triggered by breaking NC.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
tryingagain74
Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, August 2nd (Saturday)

I know-- it came up in discussion with a GF last night. I told her how scrupulously honest he always was in certain areas of his life and how he could be decent about certain things... I don't think about it much lately, but it does still hit me now and again that he deliberately made the choice to destroy our family and now carries on blithely as though it never happened. While I certainly don't wish I never had my kids, I do wish he had realized he didn't want them so I could have moved on and maybe had them with someone who would have given a damn about them instead of just seeing them as extensions of himself and his image.


BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3620 | Registered: Oct 2011
GotPlayed
Member
Member # 41294
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, August 2nd (Saturday)

I know what you mean. He can''t buy the kids clothes for his house? Seems to me that''s a pretext to communicate.

I have the problem that because my SN son has clothes sent to school (children with special needs can get dirty, wet, etc), no matter how many clothes I buy they all eventually end at her place (because I have early week, the time we send the clothes, and she has end week, the time the clothes return). So I''m constantly having to ask her to replenish.

I want to be NC so I buy him clothes again every once in a while.

Analyzing it the way you are, she was never scrupulously honest, I was. Now that we live apart it bothers me more. And I''m afraid of her teaching dishonesty to my kids. Because I know everything about her, I see every lie. And I don''t know if she lies more now or before I just believed too much. But it bothers me for the example it gives DS and DD.

7M of invisible STBXH over here. She doesn''t appreciate it - in fact it bothers her. She can''t Hoover that way.


Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
BS 42, WW 41. 18y married
DD: 11/5/13
DS10 Autism, DD8
OM: Reformed wife-beater ex-con
D filed 1/14/14 by WW (never warn them, they'll get ahead)
Married a powder keg

Posts: 755 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
deena
Member
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, August 2nd (Saturday)

Because he didn't show his true self at first

Sorry you have to deal with this SBB.
((((((((((((SBB)))))))))))))


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 3053 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
betrayedpregnant
Member
Member # 43304
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, August 2nd (Saturday)

I understand... We did not have a crystal ball. They probably did a good job convincing us that they're good people. Or maybe they were good people but then they changed. My X (yes u know him, Mr. Clean Slate) was actually very good at convincing me that he was crazy about me. Heck, 3 days before he left I thought my marriage would last forever. By the time I found out, I was already 6 mos pregnant. I missed the opportunity to go to a sperm bank making the baby 100% mine just by 6 months.

Posts: 283 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Hawaii
SBB
Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, August 2nd (Saturday)

I don't think about it much lately, but it does still hit me now and again that he deliberately made the choice to destroy our family and now carries on blithely as though it never happened.

My big girl was 4 and my little girl was only 18m old on DD. HE pushed for kids for years. He knew I was on the fence because of my fears of being a single mum. Before I went off the pill we had many weepy discussions where I told him how fearful I was, how afraid I was that he would get what he wanted and walk away. Very difficult and confronting thoughts to say out loud but I did it. He assured me. Over and over. That would never happen. He would never do that to me or to our children. He swore on our then unborn children's heads.

He did it all anyway. I'm certain he was cheating when we were trying to conceive. He used me to have children and when fatherhood wasn't the movie version he abandoned me - virtually the minute our first child was born.

The cruelty of it all just boggles my mind.

He can't buy the kids clothes for his house?

We have 50/50 on a 2/2/3 basis so we share 3 uniforms. Our decree states he pays all school costs and uniforms are expensive here so it seemed extreme to have a set for each day. This cycle works usually because we've always returned a uniform in the handover bag when she isn't wearing it.

He decided not to this time because I didn't respond to his text. All of his friends are his subordinates at work - his GF is his office gopher. As his wife I was very attentive and never would have ignored him - or anyone really. It isn't in my nature. I would have confronted. I can't do that so I feel trapped. Because I am trapped.

Analyzing it the way you are, she was never scrupulously honest, I was. Now that we live apart it bothers me more.

This too. Due to legal issues my families actions have created I have a big problem with any form of deception. I do exaggerate stories to make them funnier but never outright lie. Even omission makes me uncomfortable. Much like my fathers addiction I've always worried this stuff was genetic or at least learned behaviour so I've always aimed for high integrity. My mother is a pathological liar (undiagnosed) due to extreme abuse in her life until she was 30. I've always worried I was damaged in that way. I am damaged but in different ways - lying is something I can make a choice not to do.

He appears to have integrity and a strong moral compass but in reality it isn't internal, it is external. As long as he doesn't get caught or there isn't a penalty he is happy to do the wrong thing.

Because he didn't show his true self at first

True that. I did see the flags though. I just chose to ignore them because he 'loved' me so much.

They probably did a good job convincing us that they're good people.

Good people don't change. What happens is they mirror our values, integrity and morals - that's how they appear to be such good people.

I was always the only good parts of him and he was acting. That just bends my brain.

Thank you all. I didn't know what I was looking for when I posted but I think I just wanted confirmation that I wasn't alone. I don't hurt about him as my husband so much anymore but it doesn't take the shock and disbelief away. In some ways it gets worse as time goes on.

There were a few posts a while back about the 2 year mark - after the adrenalin of survival mode kicks off then the rush of freedom/NB this strange thing happens where the reality of everything that happened and the fact that we are in this place really sinks in.

This did all actually happen. I still can't quite believe it.

[This message edited by SBB at 7:27 PM, August 2nd (Saturday)]


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5609 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Topic Posts: 8