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Reconciliation
User Topic: Googling old ap. WS, please respond
MomtoRoses
Member
Member # 42271
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, August 4th (Monday)

Ok, we are several months into reconciliation. He's doing a lot of good things: ic, sa meetings, new job etc.

But last week, I caught him googling one of his old longterm ap.

Is this a legitimate reason?? He said he wanted to see her picture to remind himself of how low he went (he affaired down, trust me).

He did not tell his sa sponsor or his ic. Only admitted it to me after I hounded him bc I knew he was hiding something. Then finally told me.

Please give me your thoughts.

For all ws, have you ever felt need to see pic of old ap so you know you are doing the right thing by staying w/ your wife??


i'm the bs
he is the wh.
7 ddays: affairs, online activities, ea, pa, longterm pa,longterm ea, one night stands.
I'm the last to know.

Posts: 85 | Registered: Jan 2014
RippedSoul
Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, August 4th (Monday)

Not a WS. But if he checks, IMHO, he checks because he's still addicted or obsessed or curious. I actually get it. I, too, am obsessed. I check her FB front page every few weeks (looking for who knows what--a different photo? one that makes her look sad? ugly?), so pointing fingers can't be done comfortably. That said, he's lying to you and to himself and that does no one any good in the long run. Addicts often have impulse control issues--perhaps he can talk to his IC or sponsor about that?


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 461 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, August 4th (Monday)

WS here- nope


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5281 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
20WrongsVs1
Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, August 4th (Monday)

He said he wanted to see her picture to remind himself of how low he went

Sorry, but that''s lame. If that were the real reason, why not confess right away?

No, I''ve never looked up a pic of AP so I could reassure myself that I was doing the right thing by staying. And I have no interest in reminding myself what a friggin'' idiot I was.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1236 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
pantsonfire106
New Member
Member # 35748
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, August 4th (Monday)

WS. No, never and I think any excuse is just that...an excuse.
It doesn't take APs picture to remind me how low I fell.
I just have to look in my BW''s eyes.

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jun 2012
MomtoRoses
Member
Member # 42271
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, August 5th (Tuesday)

THank you for your responses. It hasn't set right with me for last two days.

Anyone else have thoughts?


i'm the bs
he is the wh.
7 ddays: affairs, online activities, ea, pa, longterm pa,longterm ea, one night stands.
I'm the last to know.

Posts: 85 | Registered: Jan 2014
DrJekyll
Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, August 5th (Tuesday)

WS here

I would treat as a break in NC
he then hid it
lied about it
forced you to hound him before he disclosed

For me any thought of AP makes me want to puke and sometime punch them in the face. Not wonder how they are doing. My hunch is he is still hiding details, maybe still focused on himself and how things affect him. but that's JMHO


I am no longer Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. I am me, and they are both part of me.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

no stop sign = BS always welcome
I d


Posts: 715 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
Neznayou
Member
Member # 40654
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, August 5th (Tuesday)

Not no but hell no as the old saying goes.

Furthermore, I believe it is a violation of NC to look up XAP.


Me: WW
Caught at AP's house: 10 Aug 2012
Admitted PA: 12 Aug 2012
TT ended: Jan 2014

"Power, Lincoln, real power comes not from hate, but from truth."


Posts: 309 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: America to Europe
Neznayou
Member
Member # 40654
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, August 5th (Tuesday)

Stupid slow internet.

Double posting.

[This message edited by Neznayou at 12:07 PM, August 5th (Tuesday)]


Me: WW
Caught at AP's house: 10 Aug 2012
Admitted PA: 12 Aug 2012
TT ended: Jan 2014

"Power, Lincoln, real power comes not from hate, but from truth."


Posts: 309 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: America to Europe
Hurtbuthopeful35
Member
Member # 44302
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, August 5th (Tuesday)

He needs to get that doing this only makes you feel upset and suspicious. That should trump any "reason" he has.

No contact. None. Forever and in no way, shape or form.


Me: BW 35
Him: WH 44
DS: age 11
Dday 1 10/2010: Sexual OA (Internet, exgf)
Dday 2 6/22/2014: Sexual OA/EA w same exgf since 10/2010
DDay 3 6/23/2014: actually PA w/ same OW beginning 5/2011
8/23/2014 attempted to break NC

Reconciling


Posts: 428 | Registered: Jul 2014
ImSorry11
New Member
Member # 43517
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, August 5th (Tuesday)

WW here. That's unacceptable. He needs to be practicing mental NC as well.


Me: WW 31
Him: BH 34
DDay 5/23/14, 4 month EA/PA
Married 8 years Together 11
3 Beautiful Kiddos under 7

Posts: 42 | Registered: May 2014
whattheh
Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, August 5th (Tuesday)

My fWH never googled the OW. He was repulsed by the thought of her.


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 569 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Hatemyhusband
Member
Member # 41633
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, August 5th (Tuesday)

Problem 1- he hid it
Problem 2- he did it
Problem 3- he's lying to u and probably himself the true reason for the google

MC session time.


Posts: 354 | Registered: Dec 2013
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, August 5th (Tuesday)

It is good he finally admitted it, but needs to get to why he did it.

My H's AP checked him out on LinkedIn a 5 months post dday. She showed up as having visited his page. I notified the OBS immediately, and told her & OBS that my H and I both felt it was a violation of our space. (And really, to let her know there were no more secrets.)

At around the same time my H saw AP pop up in "people you might know" on the side of LinkedIn on his phone. (I was with him.) He went to 'X' it out, and it started to load her page. He was like "Oh Shit! She's going to think I checked out her page!" We stressed about it, so he sent an email to OBS explaining what happened, and reiterated his desire for NC. Of course, she was all like "Oh, that is what I did, too!" ha ha

The fact that her OBS believes her is a continual source of amazement to me. Our MC even joked about it ahead of time, "Well, she won't be able to say she did the same thing.. ." and rolled his eyes. Well, guess what?

Anyway, this is a long way of saying, he is kind of far of base from what you are wanting NC-wise.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 6:33 PM, August 5th (Tuesday)]


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2065 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
WastedTime12
Member
Member # 34767
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, August 5th (Tuesday)

I am a BS but I have to say I think that is as good as when my ex told me he googled his AP to "just" see how she was doing. He just forgot to add that part about hooking back up with her is all. Sorry, I wouldn't believe what your WS is telling you.


Life is meant to be lived, not numbed!

In his quest for freedom, he set me free!


Posts: 141 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
stunnedin12
Member
Member # 38141
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, August 5th (Tuesday)

Wh knows that if I find out he even thinks of ap that he is out the door. If he dares to google her or anyone who knows her he'll be out the door faster than he can take a breath. Not an option under any circumstances.


ME - Betrayed Spouse
Him - Wayward spouse
Not sure, but trying I guess.

Posts: 477 | Registered: Jan 2013
MomtoRoses
Member
Member # 42271
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, August 7th (Thursday)

THANK YOU all for your responses.

I've had a few days to think about it, and considering your responses, I do believe it was a break in nc and I find his reason, dubious at best. I feel like a poly at this point would be the nuclear option and I can't put him on a poly everytime he does something questionable. At some point, it's put up or shut up.

I want to make my marriage work, but I can't want it more than he does.

Tough spot to be in.


i'm the bs
he is the wh.
7 ddays: affairs, online activities, ea, pa, longterm pa,longterm ea, one night stands.
I'm the last to know.

Posts: 85 | Registered: Jan 2014
DrJekyll
Member
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, August 7th (Thursday)

with nothing to hide. I have taken 1 poly. And being open and honest. I agree to take as many polys as my BS wants. whenever she is uncertain.

But every situation is different. sending you strength.


I am no longer Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. I am me, and they are both part of me.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

no stop sign = BS always welcome
I d


Posts: 715 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: United States
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, August 7th (Thursday)

If he dares to google her or anyone who knows her he'll be out the door faster than he can take a breath. Not an option under any circumstances.

it would, for me, be a dealbreaker as well.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5281 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 19