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User Topic: Where's worse than in your own bed...
growing
New Member
Member # 43298
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, August 6th (Wednesday)

For me, it's on the dining room table.

She's been telling me they only ever did it in this one other place (which was such a ridiculous thing for me to have ever believed, even for a second, and then to not call bullshit on and just ignore it for almost a year, god I feel like such a fucking idiot!!) and now I have to piece it together myself from what I could dig up that they fucked in our house on our dining room table.
Where I eat. Where I've been eating the whole fucking time. Eating with my wife and kids. Or crafting with my kids.
Or eating romantic post-A dinners with just my wife, that I cooked or she cooked, bathed in candlelight from the candles I brought so that we could gaze lovingly into each other's eyes across that table as we try to rebuild, rebuild trust and love and intimacy and passion. That same dinner table in the dining room of our house where she looked across into my eyes knowing that the ghosts of her and POSOM were fucking right there on our dinner plates while we ate. His balls in my spaghetti.

Why do WS do this?!? Why can't they just fucking tell us?!? After all that has happened, why must they now choose to torture us too?!?
Seriously why? WS? Anyone?

fWW read my marked-up copy of "how to help...". Things improved. That was a month ago. WTF?


Me: BH 40ish
Her: WW 35ish
Married 13 years
DD 3, DS 7
EA/PA: 1yr/6mo
DDay: 11/1/2013
TT: 8/12/14, more on the way?
FB NC breach: 8/15/14
2xIC
MC on hold because he was worse than nothing. Maybe we'll find an infidelity specialist.

Posts: 21 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Northeast USA
itainteasy
Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, August 6th (Wednesday)

Get rid of that table.

I wouldn't be able to even look at it.


Posts: 3419 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
Bigger
Member
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, August 6th (Wednesday)

Oh I can think of a worse place... The OM had sex in my fiancé...


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5565 | Registered: Sep 2005
Camalus
Member
Member # 40199
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, August 6th (Wednesday)

That table should be in the back yard, dosed in Kerosene, and burning so fast it would make WW's head spin.


Me–BS age 61
Her -- WS age 59
Married for 34 years
One child, 30yrs

Her 'A' 1994(?) through 1998
D-Day 7/4/2013 Yes, I didn't find out for almost 15 years... but the pain is just as bad as if she were with him last week.


Posts: 120 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Near Houston Texas
Razor
Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, August 6th (Wednesday)

what itainteasy said.

get rid of the table. donate it to charity (good will or something like that) or just take it to the land fill.

I know this pain. I was away for some weeks time and OM pretty much lived at our house while I was away. There wasnt a place in there that wasnt *marked* by him. including our bed. our shower. our 2 person jacuzzi tub with the gas fire place next to it. there were other places but WW conveniently *forgets*.

I tossed what furniture I could. and eventually we sold that house and moved away.

When my dog craps in the backyard I bag it and toss it out. that is exactly what you should do with that table.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche


Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
Melian40
Member
Member # 41205
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, August 6th (Wednesday)

Our car, but for now I can't afford to change it.
The table sounds easier to change.
How disgusting our WS can really be.


BW-me:40
BH-him:41
DD-age 9
Together 7 years, married 17 years
DD1:8/12/2013 -OW1-PA 1.5 months in 2009
DD2:8/17/2013 - OW2-EA Spring 2013- He tried to hit on her but she denied.

"You can't fix a broken man, but he can break you"


Posts: 208 | Registered: Nov 2013
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, August 6th (Wednesday)

My kids' rooms would be very high on that list...


Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6521 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Pentup
Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, August 6th (Wednesday)

I would be tempted to take a big ol crap on that table.
Then take the kids out to McDonalds and tell your wife to have that table gone by the time you get home. That way your last memory of that table will probably trump the mind movies.


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6605 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
Ascendant
Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, August 6th (Wednesday)

That blows goats. I'm sorry.

It's truly awful


I keep my mind on my future/and my eyes on the sky/I don't really smile much/If you were there you'd know why.

Posts: 2164 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: City in the Midwest/Best In The Whole Wide World
GabyBaby
Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, August 6th (Wednesday)

Pentup - I think I have a girl crush on you.


Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6521 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
TheIrishGirl
Member
Member # 43496
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, August 6th (Wednesday)

Pentup takes the cake on this thread.

I never understood the desire to do that on the table where everyone eats. Plus, are they really built to hold 300+ pounds?


Me: 31, BW Him: 38, WH
2 children (ours) 7/11 & 3/14
D-day 4/18/14 I saw his 'other' email

Posts: 570 | Registered: May 2014
Lovedyoumore
Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, August 6th (Wednesday)

Take it to the yard, take a hammer to it and beat the crap out of it. Then, use a chain saw if you have one. Reduce it into small pieces, box it up and take it to the dump or place curbside.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1526 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
Didact
Member
Member # 42867
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, August 6th (Wednesday)

For me, it's on the dining room table.

Same here. The disrespect is part of the whole A thing, but knowing that doesn't make it easier.

That table has/had always been one of my favorite pieces of furniture. It's what it is. We will likely sell it at some point.

We're in R, but that room (and the guest bedroom) still scare the shit out of me. I think we're well on our way to reclaiming the other areas around the house, yay for HB....


No matter how painful, life either adapts or it dies.

BH (Me) 49
WW 48
Married 1985
D-Day Mar 19, 2014
1 year passionate EA/PA, ended by me on d-day.
Attempting to R


Posts: 235 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
NeverAgain2013
Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, August 6th (Wednesday)

Honestly, that type of downright skanky behavior - disrespecting your entire family by desecrating the very place they eat their meals and gather together - is about as low as a woman can sink. I'm embarrassed FOR her.

Anyone with THAT little regard for her family needs to learn a few tough lessons.

I'd send her ass out to work at a part time job at night - doesn't matter if it's breading chicken at KFC or flipping burgers at Burger King or waiting tables at the freakin' Waffle Hut. In fact, the worse the job, the better in my opinion. Let her WORK and EARN the money for a new table since she had exactly ZERO regard for the current one. Maybe when she's flipped enough burgers to buy a new one she'll begin to understand the concept of respect.

I'm so disgusted by her behavior that I don't even know what to say. You need to come down HARD on her for this one. Don't let it go, Growing. Set a precedent NOW.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1807 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
megahertz
Member
Member # 44306
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, August 6th (Wednesday)

The only place I know for sure is our car, which we still have. She and my 8 y.o. daughter spent an hour cleaning the inside the day before, which was one of the many tipoffs she was having an A. She had never before or since cleaned it. Probably had sex other places including in our home, but two years out, my WW still hasn't told me everything.

Sell the table on CL and buy yourself something nice with the proceeds.


BH: 52
WW: 47 (four APs)
3 kids: DD14, DS12, DD10
D-days: Oct 2012, May 2013, Oct 2013 and July 2014

Posts: 70 | Registered: Jul 2014
OK now
Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, August 6th (Wednesday)

I would keep the table after engraving a picture in the wood of the OM and your wife locked in each others arms. Something for your WW to see every time you had a meal. A humiliating reminder of her betrayal; the place where she fucked the OM and eats together with her family. Explain that off to the kids when they get older.

Burning the table makes it too easy on her; she can burn the memories at the same time.


Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
painfulpast
Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, August 6th (Wednesday)

Tell her she has one hour to get the table out of the house.

in that hour, sell as many of HER things as you need to sell to go get a new, very nice, table.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
38years
New Member
Member # 43864
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, August 6th (Wednesday)

Pentup, you rock!!!!!


Married nearly 39 yrs
Me: 61 yrs old, always faithful
WS: 64 yrs old, 2 ONS 1978, EA (he says) 2013
DDays: 12/11/13, 12/18/13, 12/27/13 (he's big on TT)

Posts: 24 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: SC
JanaGreen
Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, August 6th (Wednesday)

Tell her she has one hour to get the table out of the house.
in that hour, sell as many of HER things as you need to sell to go get a new, very nice, table.

I like this.

I also like Pentup's idea but really, how many of us could crap on command?


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6808 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, August 6th (Wednesday)

I think it would feel good to drag it outside and beat it to splinters...all of that pent up anger used to destroy the table....geez I'm so sorry they did that. Sickens me.

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 3:48 PM, August 6th (Wednesday)]


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5130 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
LydiaE
Member
Member # 42571
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, August 6th (Wednesday)

Ugh. That's horrible. I'm so sorry. I could never have been able to get past sex with OP in my home. It's just too puke-worthy and such a slap in the face.

On the bright side, congrats on your well-written post!


Posts: 91 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: SouthernUSA
RealityBlows
Member
Member # 41108
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, August 6th (Wednesday)

Here's a few Ideas I'll throw out there:

-Put the dinette set out on the front lawn with a big sign on it: "Free To A Loving Home." "Cheating Wife Screwed On It Only a Couple of Times".

-Make her sleep on the table while she must serve you breakfast and dinner in bed.

-Decoupage a picture of the two of them on that end of the table and make her eat there for a while. Maybe throw in a personalized place mat, napkins, and place settings while you eat off the the wedding gift china. Or, throw a dinner party and do this.

-Get her a case of 000 ultra fine sand paper and make her strip and refinish the table. When she is done then put it out on the front lawn with the sign.


Posts: 68 | Registered: Oct 2013
whattheh
Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, August 6th (Wednesday)

We burnt the bed couch bedding and any other stuff OW touched. I cut his favorite leather recliner and then patched with colorful duct tape cuz he sat in that chair perusing craigslist for a willing ho. We cover the chair now.

I would get rid of the table by destroying or donating. But if u like it u could store it away for awhile to see if u want to use it later.

Oh and she stood in front of my kitchen sink so that cabinet was bashed in. Luckily we needed to remodel anyway.

[This message edited by whattheh at 5:13 PM, August 6th (Wednesday)]


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 563 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Didact
Member
Member # 42867
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, August 6th (Wednesday)

I like my table. I love my wife. While the "creative" suggestions could be seen as funny, I hope to keep both.

If I can't, I am certain that I lose the table, or even the house, before losing a remorseful wife that made some incredibly shitty choices.


No matter how painful, life either adapts or it dies.

BH (Me) 49
WW 48
Married 1985
D-Day Mar 19, 2014
1 year passionate EA/PA, ended by me on d-day.
Attempting to R


Posts: 235 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
solus sto
Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, August 6th (Wednesday)

I had the most trouble with the hotel where we were married. It's in our hometown, so I feel the town was taken--our wedding memories sullied. Lots more is attached to it---but none is especially rational. Still- the hotel. And his response to my sadness that I can't even look at a wedding picture without imagining OW? A little laugh and, "sorry, Bets--I'm trying, but just don't see what the big deal is."


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8830 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
wontdefineme
Member
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, August 6th (Wednesday)

Ashton Shepherd's Look it up video says it all.

[This message edited by wontdefineme at 10:56 PM, August 6th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2175 | Registered: Mar 2011
growing
New Member
Member # 43298
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, August 7th (Thursday)

Thank you all so much.
Thanks for my first real laughs in so long. I sat in my car and LOLed then smiled for at least a whole minute. Which is unprecedented in the car.

Your answers were so enlightening too. But when I asked "why do WS do this?!?" I meant "why do WS lie about every stupid thing and then watch you go crazy for a year figuring everything out yourself and basically dashing all hope of reviving the relationship?!?"
And, though nobody answered directly, now I can see that one great reason is that WS is sure that BS is going to go ballistic and judge them as horrible people for the details of the affair. And maybe WS will judge themselves. And if WS is a horrible person, then who could love them? How could they love their self? How could the M go on?
Well, I love my WW. And she is not a horrible person. She is not. And back in HB I put WW on that very table myself. And we used it good. And then we cleaned up. I wish I knew at the time.
I hate everything A that happened. I hate what she did. But I can live with it. I can love with it. I can accept her. Her humanity. What angers me is not what she did, but what she's still doing, again and again: continuing to lie and minimize. I want to rebuild, but there's no hope of that when I cannot trust her. And so I wait until I can trust her. But this TT and lying just resets the trust clock to zero every time and damages the relationship so much.
I've told her so so many times that she's not protecting me, she's not protecting the relationship. She read ATA and "how to help...", but the whole concept is foreign to her. Her whole being tells her it's wrong to say hurtful things, even if they're true (her words after I begged for an explanation of how she still thinks she's protecting *me*). And I believe this of her. She is struggling too. She is working so so hard on this and other things, and she's come so far.
And tonight, she got it. She has prepared a letter with 100% truth about the A, all details she's lied about and hidden. And it's waiting for me. And I'm afraid to read it. She says it's horrible, and I believe her.


Me: BH 40ish
Her: WW 35ish
Married 13 years
DD 3, DS 7
EA/PA: 1yr/6mo
DDay: 11/1/2013
TT: 8/12/14, more on the way?
FB NC breach: 8/15/14
2xIC
MC on hold because he was worse than nothing. Maybe we'll find an infidelity specialist.

Posts: 21 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Northeast USA
SoLostStillNumb
Member
Member # 44248
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, August 7th (Thursday)

I got such a kick out of reading everyone's ideas of what to do with that table!

Growing - this is my first comment on someone else's topic. I'm new to all this as Dday was only 2 months ago and I don't think I have a lot of advice to offer, but something that I always say to myself is, it's better to know the truth no matter how much it hurts, because otherwise you are continuously living in a lie.

If anything, I hope her letter gives you peace of mind. It probably won't be easy reading it, but don't be scared. You are so strong and have gotten through so much already, you can do this. Hugs to you.


Me: BS 26 Him: WH 27
Married: 5 years, together 7. No kids.
DDays: 6/3/14, 6/24/14, 7/2/14, 7/3/14, 9/5/14
Separated, headed for divorce
Trying to accept this nightmare is real every morning.
Hold on, this will hurt more than anything has before

Posts: 221 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: VA
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, August 7th (Thursday)

disrespecting your entire family by desecrating the very place they eat their meals and gather together - is about as low as a woman can sink. I'm embarrassed FOR her.

My H's AP had sex with him in her 10 year old son's bed. As a mom, I am not sure you can sink lower.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 9:01 PM, August 7th (Thursday)]


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2056 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
determinata
Member
Member # 42124
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, August 7th (Thursday)

Well since my SAWH brought prostitutes to our house you can at least rejoice in the fact that your WW wasn't paying some dude to fuck her.

But it's terrible and I'm sorry. I love furniture. Love decor but as soon as this divorce is over I am getting rid of every single goddamn thing I own. It's alllllll going away.


M 2007. DDay 2008
~10+ CL Prostitutes in 8 months
Divorcing SAWH "ActionsOverWords"
Me: Early 30s BW (also an adult OC) w Baby DS

6 years of TT, hidden STD & false R
Separated 5 mos+; he will not commit
Someday I will be okay


Posts: 288 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
growing
New Member
Member # 43298
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, August 7th (Thursday)

determinata
Well since my SAWH brought prostitutes to our house you can at least rejoice in the fact that your WW wasn't paying some dude to fuck her.

I will do no such rejoicing. AP was our long time nanny, and I paid him for many years. Cash too.


Me: BH 40ish
Her: WW 35ish
Married 13 years
DD 3, DS 7
EA/PA: 1yr/6mo
DDay: 11/1/2013
TT: 8/12/14, more on the way?
FB NC breach: 8/15/14
2xIC
MC on hold because he was worse than nothing. Maybe we'll find an infidelity specialist.

Posts: 21 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Northeast USA
inmisery1
Member
Member # 30905
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, August 7th (Thursday)

My husband f***ed OW in the church parking lot after church in MY car.

Posts: 234 | Registered: Jan 2011
BlueinStLou
Member
Member # 44416
Default  Posted: 12:43 AM, August 8th (Friday)

I found texts from the OW to my WH bragging about having her "sweaty cum covered hands gripping" my bed rails. Can't afford a new bed now. Was very tempted to take the bedding and set fire to it on OW front lawn.

They also had sex in the parking lot of a restaurant I really liked. I will never eat there again. I am glad it was her car and not mine.


DDay1 3/26/2014
DDay2 4/15/2014
DDay 3 7/15/2014
DDay 4 8/15/2014

Me BS 40
WH 39

3 Kids, 9, 4 and 1


Posts: 155 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: St Louis MO
fromthisdayfwd
Member
Member # 30634
Default  Posted: 1:05 AM, August 8th (Friday)

I have a very different viewpoint here ... although I LOVE so many of the ideas here! (Pentup ... you definitely win the Gold Medal on this thread!)

I could have made my spouse sell the car, burned his clothes, his suitcase, damage/sell/trash gifts received from her, etc.

However, she stole from me. I was determined to not to give her NOT ONE BIT MORE. She couldn't 'have' my seat in the car. She couldn't 'have' any of MY husband's stuff. If I gave it away or wouldn't use it ... in my mind that was me 'giving' her more. NOPE. I even intentionally said/say her name (which is somewhat common) so that my heart won't stop every time I hear it or say it. And, I can actually SAY her name. No more power for her.

(Yes, he gave it away but it wasn't his to give.)

Even though I was (am?) mad at her little ho-ho Black Widow self ... he was the one who chose to cheat with her. But I certainly won't give her the satisfaction of thinking she ruined me or my life.


Married 8/20/1994
Betrayed
DDay 6/23/2010
A gift is not given if it has been demanded.

Failure to attempt is failure.


Posts: 444 | Registered: Jan 2011
fromthisdayfwd
Member
Member # 30634
Default  Posted: 1:15 AM, August 8th (Friday)

Reasons why the WS doesn't want to 'come clean' and tell you 100% everything:

1 - shame. saying out loud or in writing is WAY different than living the exciting 'fantasy'

2 - the view. to look at you and SEE the devastation as they share with you the details of sexual scenarios that should have been only for you is painful and forces responsibility for that pain

3 - admission. to admit to self is as bad as admitting it to you

4 - exposure. the darkness shrinks from the light

5 - ending. wishing the pain would end and believing that knowing/hearing ALL of it would continue your collective pain as well as keep you from starting reconciling

Personally I didn't want to know. There is nothing that hurt more than knowing he shared such intimacy with someone else. It didn't matter if it was twice or two hundred times, where it happened or really even when ... I asked a few questions but no way did I want to know the details.

Some people do want to know the details and that is okay, too; no judgement here, for sure. But, if you haven't considered it ... think about it ... do you really need to know the details?

Have you considered burning the letter she wrote you without reading it?


Married 8/20/1994
Betrayed
DDay 6/23/2010
A gift is not given if it has been demanded.

Failure to attempt is failure.


Posts: 444 | Registered: Jan 2011
Topic Posts: 35