SurvivingInfidelity.com Forums
Reconciliation
User Topic: 4 crashes since January
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, August 7th (Thursday)

hubby has been in four accidents since January.
1 - wiped out running on ice - surgery on leg
2 - ran his car into the back of a school bus
3 - went too fast in a biking event, wiped out and got run over by someone else - back injury
4 - went biking again for the first time since #3 and wiped out again. injured back again.

Either he thinks his reflexes are the same as when he was 25, he's distracted by something (why I'm posting this here), he has a death wish, or I Don't Know!!

It makes him grumpy because he can't work out and he's in pain. Lots of it.

I'm thinking of telling him this: "I don't know what is going on, but forget about you and me, we have a little girl who would be crushed if her Dad wasn't here to walk her down the aisle. You really need to be here for that."

or should I just keep quiet about all this?


his Dday: 2/10
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4941 | Registered: Dec 2010
bionicgal
Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, August 7th (Thursday)

What does he say? Is he concerned about it? We are super active, and even to me that sounds like enough accidents for a decade. Although I have to say, my dad is kind of accident-prone: broke both shoulders at different times (on a bike), got a hernia fixing a gutter, got hit in the head with a huge post when a porch swing fell on him, and a number of other bike accidents (lots of road rash, broke a hip). But, these happened over 20 years.

I understand the "can't work out thing,"- that is the worst!! Part of what led into my H's affair was him being injured and AP being all "You are still the strongest person in bootcamp!" So, I'd watch for signs of needing to fill that workout void!

Sorry, that probably made you paranoid rather than helped! It is hard for men in particular to deal with aging in regards to their physical prowess.

But also, has he had his eyes checked?


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1968 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, August 7th (Thursday)

It is hard for men in particular to deal with aging in regards to their physical prowess.

I think it may be this.
He goes for his physical Sept 2 - his 52 birthday - and I'm sure he'll be checked out for all these injuries.

What does he say? Is he concerned about it?

he's bummed that things keep happening to him. He's very tired of having pain and I don't blame him.


I will mention the eyesight thing. thank you.

[This message edited by rachelc at 9:39 AM, August 7th (Thursday)]


his Dday: 2/10
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4941 | Registered: Dec 2010
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, August 7th (Thursday)

What are you worried that it is rachel?


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4873 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
TheIrishGirl
Member
Member # 43496
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, August 7th (Thursday)

Maybe suggest he take up swimming while things heal? It's a great workout, but the lack of impact and falling potential makes it safe for almost everyone.


Me: 31, BW Him: 38, WH
2 children (ours) 7/11 & 3/14
D-day 4/18/14 I saw his 'other' email

Posts: 453 | Registered: May 2014
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, August 7th (Thursday)

he can only do the backstroke and he just can't do it now.. too painful.

TG - I'm worried that he has a take it or leave it attitude about life, doesn't value himself/us/our life and has thrown caution to the wind. And kind of - that something is weighing heavy on him and distracts him.

[This message edited by rachelc at 9:52 AM, August 7th (Thursday)]


his Dday: 2/10
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4941 | Registered: Dec 2010
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, August 7th (Thursday)

Holy Cow this and the snoring?!?!?!?!
He needs a sleep study, and full neuro work up if that is negative.
You need to be tough, and demanding with this.

People who have sleep apnea, tend to be more accident prone, you know why? Cause they don't get the rest a normal person does, when your brain can't get a break it doesn't work as well.

Time to start making calls, and demanding things get done, before he kills himself, or someone else. Seriously.....


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8523 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
tired girl
Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, August 7th (Thursday)

I would say it is more likely what Tushnurse just suggested.

Has he ever had a take it or leave it attitude before?


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4873 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
somethingremorse
Member
Member # 42047
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, August 7th (Thursday)

It might just be coincidence. That is probably all that it is.

I have to say that I did get obsessed with being in shape, too. I ran my first half marathon at age 38 and my first Tough Mudder at 40. I spent a lot of time exercising.

I don't think this is wayward trend. Lots of people, especially men, are afraid of getting older. If this happens at the same time where they have the time or means or extra motivation to get in shape, I think a lot of people take this direction. Lots of people overdo it too, or refuse to recognize their limitations. I see lots of 40 and 50 year-olds with athletic injuries. That is probably just a function of age.

On the other hand, I believe that waywards need to be aware and mindful of our feelings and moods. We need to be honest about what we are doing and why. If I am trying to keep up my 20 year old pace and failing, I may get frustrated. THAT is not a good emotion. It's better for me to be mindful of my limitations and my feelings towards them. We need to be honest with ourselves at all times, about everything. Even if that means slowing down a bit.

As for how to bring up the topic, I am at a loss. Personally, I have added yoga in the place of some of my crazier routines. I still want to feel healthy, but I am starting to recognize that injury prevention is the first priority, and looking decent, or improving my half marathon time, comes after that.

Hang in there.


Me: WH (42)
DDay 11/03/13
In MC and IC

Posts: 540 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Pennsylvania
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, August 7th (Thursday)

yep this and the snoring...
I'm going for my yearly tomorrow - same doctor - and I will insist. Neither of us is sleeping well.


his Dday: 2/10
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4941 | Registered: Dec 2010
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 10:03 AM, August 7th (Thursday)

Has he ever had a take it or leave it attitude before?

no....


his Dday: 2/10
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4941 | Registered: Dec 2010
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, August 7th (Thursday)

Here is the Self assessment I give patients if they are reluctant to do a sleep study.

Do you have sleepiness during the day?
Do you snore while sleeping?
Do you awaken with a headache every morning?
Do you routinely wake with a dry mouth in the morning?
Have you ever awakened from sleep gasping for breath or choking?
Do you find it difficult to stay awake while watching TV, Reading, or attending a lecture?
Has anyone told you that you hold your breath, snort, and move often during sleep?
Do you ever experience muscle weakness when excited or emotional?
Do you have difficulty falling asleep?
Do you have difficult staying asleep?

If you answer Yes to more than one, yes just one then you need to have a sleep study.

Sleep disorders when left untreated can lead to:
Heart Attack
Stroke
Car Accident
Poor performance at Work and/or school.

Show this to your husband. PLEASE!


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8523 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, August 7th (Thursday)

printing off now!


his Dday: 2/10
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4941 | Registered: Dec 2010
blakesteele
Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, August 7th (Thursday)

Growing older is not very easy...no matter what sex you are. Look how many SI members are in this mid-life stage. No coincidences.

Is your husband working to be better in his future....or is he fighting to keep his past alive?

I can see how it could be particularly hard for a person who chose adultery to enhance their fantasy world of "recaptured youth" to accept their post-A reality. Add to that the aging factor....and totally see why your husband doesn't want to give up on some activities geared towards younger bodies.


I could also see how more false intimacies could be chosen instead of maturing and growing.

But I do think a spouse is called to influence the other. Now....to do that with tact and love and NOT in controlling forms. That's the key.

You both are on my prayer list.

Peace.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 10:33 AM, August 7th (Thursday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3686 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
918Mama
Member
Member # 37756
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, August 9th (Saturday)

Rachel - what did your husband day about this when you showed him??

This has been really helpful for me too. It was the push I needed to get my hubs in for a sleep study as well!!


Surrender to what is. Let go of what was. Have faith in what will be. -- Sonia Ricotti

Posts: 571 | Registered: Dec 2012
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, August 9th (Saturday)

Yeah 918.
So many people are mistakingly index the impression that sleep apnea is no big deal. But it's huge!!!!
We are finding out more all the time that effects lots of people. Not just those middle aged men who are overweight and lead sedentary lifestyles.

Rachel I hope your H is getting set up as well.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8523 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 6:21 PM, August 9th (Saturday)

yes, I had him take the questionairre that tushnurse gave me. He answered 7out of 10 questions yes. I told my dr. the next day and he said yeah, if all that i happening to him, he needs a sleep study, even though he isn't the usual demographic. So, he is meeting with him September 2nd to schedule it. I think with both of us asking about it dr then took us seriously but jeez!!!

But dr. was more concerned about the neurological issues that the crashes may represent. But that we'll start with the sleep study.
I had no idea that he woke up to dry mouth, was tired during the day, etc.

You saved us again, tushnurse..thanks!!!!


his Dday: 2/10
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4941 | Registered: Dec 2010
tushnurse
Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, August 10th (Sunday)

Yah that's me just wondering through life stamping out disease and saving lives. SNORK.
I think you may want to consider a new Dr. If he isn't listening that is a problem.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8523 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Topic Posts: 18