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User Topic: Tell Spouse I've Filed for Divorce?
Adrienne
New Member
Member # 44235
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, August 8th (Friday)

Just curious as if any of you told your spouse that you filed for divorce or waited until they were served. My anger side says don't tell him but my wussy, wife side says tell him.

I need to tell my adult child too. I just want to do it before he knows so he doesn't feed her the lies. Any advice would be great.

He's still cheating on me. He just had a nice booty call session with his ho this morning. Told me he had to go to work early so that he could leave early. Was with her from 7-10 and then went into work. He told me one thing but his texts said another. I'm so sick of being lied two 10+ times a day. Barf. Who needs this?


Posts: 38 | Registered: Jul 2014
k94ever
Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, August 8th (Friday)

Tell your daughter today.

Don't say anything to your WS. Let the papers do the talking.

{{{hugs}}}


k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6582 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
Schadenfreude
Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, August 8th (Friday)

My lawyer answer: it depends. If your initial filings contain court orders for support and/not withdrawing assets then get him served as soon as possible. That is because court orders are effective on service. In other words, if there is an order preventing WH for withdrawing money except for ordinary living expenses, he can legally do so until he is served with the order.

If this doesn't apply, the choice is yours. For shock and awe, don't tell him. If you know (not hope) the case will be amicable, then you can tell him that you have filed.

The best place to have the papers served is at work for shock and awe.

[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 12:36 PM, August 8th (Friday)]


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
sparkysable
Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, August 8th (Friday)

Did he tell you that he was going to have an affair? No? Then he doesn't deserve to be warned.

I'm all for the shock and awe factor. I had XWH served at OW's house. Where he wasn't supposed to be, because, you know, I was overreacting and paranoid.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3416 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Shockleader
Member
Member # 36827
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, August 8th (Friday)

I did... I walked up to her and said:

"Here is a copy of what you will be served tomorrow"

and left. The shock/confusion on her face was priceless; so was the all too predictable anger, talking bad about me to my DD, etc. So glad she had a nice long night to dread the morning. Fuck her.

I'm so sick of being lied two 10+ times a day. Barf. Who needs this?

No one does... Only you can make it stop when you want to... Just do it, and start toward a much better life. I know it sounds cliché and hackneyed, but I'm living proof of it, even when at times I forget it. Best of luck, and get to work on that D


D-Day spring 2012
Me BS 47
Xcheater 44
One DD 19
Married 23 years
Divorced 12/23/13 Fu*king A!

The cruel, the unkind, those without honor, feast on the tender heart...


Posts: 652 | Registered: Sep 2012
doggiediva
Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, August 8th (Friday)

Not to thread jack, but if I were the person to initiate the filing for a D (filed first) does whatever I want or request in a divorce filing become the temp court orders?
I would think most of us want finances frozen..And some of us need some financial support or help in paying the monthly bills/utilities..
If it were me, I would let the papers do the talking, and have him served at work or somewhere where I don't have to be physically present..
And I would let grown kids know plans as soon as I know them..


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1259 | Registered: Nov 2011
Schadenfreude
Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, August 8th (Friday)

Yes and no. Orders entered on filing without opposition even knowing that a case has been filed and without a contested court hearing are ex parte orders. The opposite party can ask the court to set them aside, modify them. Or live with them during the case. So yes, they can be temporary orders which govern during the case. As the case closes, you get final orders.

Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
BtraydWife
Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, August 8th (Friday)

I'll second or third it.

Tell your daughter now.
Let him find out when he's served.

I think it would be awesome if it was possible to have him served at his whore's house. Could you imagine?

It's really great that you are taking this step. He sounds nasty.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1900 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
Feelthrownaway
Member
Member # 33772
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, August 8th (Friday)

I would tell your daughter today. Don't tell him anything. I would have him served at the OW's house personally.


BW- 48
FWH-49
D-day- aug 16,2011
Married 23 years- together 25

What doesn't kill me, scars me.


Posts: 1090 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Down South
JustWow
Member
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, August 8th (Friday)

If your daughter is an adult or late teen, I would go ahead and tell her. If you are not concerned she will talk to your stbxh about it, you can tell an even younger child as well.

If you are concerned about your stbxh pulling financial shenanigans before he is served if he is forewarned, then try to tell your D at the eleventh hour, but before she hears it from him.

He has lost the privilege of you forewarning him as a wifely duty, he fired you from that job while he wallows in his A. You needn't worry about him anymore. He's his own problem.


BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)


Posts: 3631 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
wk55hn
Member
Member # 44159
Default  Posted: 1:41 PM, August 8th (Friday)

I love the idea of serving him at work or the other woman's house, but if you have a child together who still is in college I probably wouldn't surprise him like that just because I wouldn't want him to go running to her with it. I also wouldn't ask his daughter to keep it secret from him. I would just tell him that that you've filed and he is going to be served in the next week or so.

Posts: 382 | Registered: Jul 2014
steppingup
Member
Member # 42650
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, August 8th (Friday)

Tell, because that is the right way to do it, with bold honest courage. The kind of treatment we (BSs) have always demanded. Good luck


Her (WW 40s) Me (BH, 40s) very young DS & DD

“Whatever follows after DD is much more crucial than the infidelity action itself” Quote by SI Member Melian40

"I'm a good man, not an option" - Steppingup


Posts: 505 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CALI
BtraydWife
Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, August 8th (Friday)

But the downside of telling was mentioned and this is someone who doesn't care what Adrienne feels.

He could take money out and he could make himself unavailable for the server.

She should continue to protect herself as much as possible and that means no advance warning of being served.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1900 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
oldtimer97
Member
Member # 2365
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, August 8th (Friday)

Just wanted to jump in w/my suggestion per my divorce from my 1st husband..our divorce made War of the Roses a love story btw.

Telling older daughter okay..even better if process server agrees to notify you either right before service or asap after service because of your time sensitive needs (The best would be before so you are talking with daughter as it happens)

In most, if not all, US jurisdictions law enforcement agents (LE), like cops & sheriff's work @offduty rates for services such as this, state fairs, monster truck rallies, etc. hehe.
And yes, they come in uniform and that uniform makes a BIG impact..better than a civilian.

In my case, I had my husband served without notice at our workplace, which happened to be an Air Force Base (we were civilians). Little did I know it, but I got even more bang for the buck (and the sheriff's fee wasn't outrageous either). When outside LE has an issue with someone on the base, first the MP's must be involved. So it went like this: the MP's went to summon my ex in full view of however many 100's of workers that were in the aircraft hanger (the majority of whose work he supervised as QA), then escorted out (one on each side), then he was taken to the JAG (the legal office) given his service, and then escorted back. I died laughing when I heard.


“When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.”

― Maya Angelou


Posts: 3264 | Registered: Oct 2003 | From: Sunny Arizona
cantgetup
Member
Member # 36146
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, August 8th (Friday)

"Tell because that is the right way to do it"

Did I read that right???


Posts: 319 | Registered: Jul 2012
oldtimer97
Member
Member # 2365
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, August 8th (Friday)

cantgetup

"Tell because that is the right way to do it"

Did I read that right???

I think you got it from another post? I did a quick word search on the page and didn't come up with that in any of the posts. It sounds tho, like it refers to telling the other BS?


“When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.”

― Maya Angelou


Posts: 3264 | Registered: Oct 2003 | From: Sunny Arizona
BtraydWife
Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, August 8th (Friday)

She's referring to the post 4 above yours.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1900 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
somer222
Member
Member # 21377
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, August 8th (Friday)

You are one very strong lady! Good for you. You are handling this beautifully.

Given the ugly circumstances that he has created, you don't owe him any consideration. I would not give him a heads up that he is going to be served. That might give him an opportunity to play games with money. He is NOT to be trusted.

Another positive thing about letting this be a surprise for him is that he, too, can see what it feels like to have the rug yanked out from underneath him. Jerk!

Big hugs


Posts: 1429 | Registered: Oct 2008
Jls0320
Member
Member # 41192
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, August 8th (Friday)

I went back and forth on telling my husband, he was served yesterday at work and now I'm so glad I didn't tell him because yesterday morning I also discovered all his sexts to his whore. It was the perfect day for him to be served


Me: 33 BS 2 boys (2yr & 5yr)
Him: 33 WH, too much too list, drowning in his sex addiction
Together 15yrs, married 7yrs
Dday 9/17/2013, more discovered 1/26/14
NC broken 7/28/14- pathetic piece of crap
Separated, divorce filed, he loves his whore lol

Posts: 455 | Registered: Nov 2013
HeBrokeVows
Member
Member # 43252
Default  Posted: 12:19 AM, August 9th (Saturday)

My lawyer advised me not to in my situation. But every situation is different. Some of you may remember my story of my WH's financial secrets I was uncovering and I had to file to protect me and the kids.

However, it makes such sense when I heard others here say things like he never went over the status of our relationship with me when he decided to have his affair, I don't need to now.

Remember, as soon as you start this process, it's a business deal. My lawyer's motto is to stay in control and be one step ahead. When she feels the control dropping she takes action. So far, knock on wood, we've been in good standings. But again, we have a web of lies beyond the cheating we are uncovering!!

Good luck!


Dday March 12, 2014. Found out my husband of almost 10 years was having an affair, first emotional then physical for 6 months.

Posts: 472 | Registered: Apr 2014
keptmyword
Member
Member # 35526
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, August 10th (Sunday)

He told me one thing but his texts said another. I'm so sick of being lied two 10+ times a day. Barf. Who needs this?

No one needs this and no one should EVER have to live through this.

I didn't tell my XWW that I filed for divorce.

After D-day, I offered her a chance of forgiveness and working to put our family back together.

Within days I found her car in the shitbag adultery partner's driveway.

I was not really surprised. I stopped and confronted them - not as a husband, but as a father to tell them that they were putting two little boys through Hell for their selfish bullshit.

They didn't give a flying-fuck. Not even her - their mother.

For the next several months my POS XWW would threaten me with divorce every week when I told her she was a toxic and dysfunctional and needed help. I never told her not to file or responded to her threats in any way.

I never told her that I was going to retain an attorney.

I never told her I filed for divorce.

At this point, I considered the divorce my personal business in which she had no ability to change.

I was divorcing her - Period. She wasn't going to be able to change that FACT.

I knew that ANY attempt at reconciliation would have been futile. I simply can't accept that shit in my life.

I let her find out on her own. She found out at work and started balling. She called me and wanted to talk. I told her no.

I held fast to my values and morals in the WORST of times. My sons needed to have that example.

Tell him, don't tell him. Doesn't matter.

What matters is that you be true to yourself, your values, and what is right.

You will be so incredibly glad you did.

I am.


I Divorced Her.

Posts: 363 | Registered: May 2012
Schadenfreude
Member
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, August 13th (Wednesday)

This may be late but do not involve your adult daughter. If she is his daughter,,too. You'll be the ex wife somer or later, but she'll never be the ex daughter.

Have you filed? Are there orders entered by the court? If so, don't tell him. He didn't consult you about his decision to have his A,,did he?


Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
Adrienne
New Member
Member # 44235
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, August 13th (Wednesday)

Thanks everyone. He hasn't been served yet and I haven't told my daughter or him. Because he is giving the other woman money every week, I didn't want to tip him off and have him do something crazy with his money before he was served. My lawyer advised me to handle it that way.

Posts: 38 | Registered: Jul 2014
Topic Posts: 23