Just Found Out
User Topic: DD#2, a month from DD#1, you gotta be kidding me.
New Member
Member # 44142
Default  Posted: 12:39 AM, August 10th (Sunday)

So I'm livid right now because DD#1 was on 7/13, and now a month later I'm checking WH's phone and I find a chat dated TODAY with some chick. This is some real BS because we had agreed to R, me very reluctantly and him "appearing remorseful" so now I don't know what to do. I told him to leave, he was sleep and I told him to get up and just go because I don't want to be around him.
I'm so done right now, I mean how can I be supportive if you are only a month out from the bomb dropping to turn right back around to your texting/sexting other random women. It makes me sick to think that I thought we should R for our kids and future. Now I just want to move on so I can stop hurting, I don't want to wait up for him at night or worry how he is doing during the day. I just want to worry about my kids and myself. My stomach was in knots all afternoon/evening because I hadn't heard from him since he left to do grocery shopping around 4 and didn't come back until late about 10 and that was one of my conditions to call to check in and now I know why. Whoever said it before was right. The GUT knows and I'm trusting it right now. I mean how much can a person take??

Me: BS 30
Him: WH, 37 porn, sexting, pic sharing,& phone sex with women,+ maybe more..
2 kids, M 11 yrs, 2Gether 15yrs
Agreed to R, but doubtful and unsure if I should just move on alone.

Posts: 17 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: NYC
Member # 31800
Default  Posted: 1:13 AM, August 10th (Sunday)

Hey Notyours,

I am so sorry you are going through this right now-again.

Right now you do need to just worry about you and your kids.

Try to get some rest tonight. I know it will be tough with all that is going on but you need to take care of yourself so you can take care of your kids.

I just wanted you to know that you are not alone and, although it is a little slow around here right now, we are all here to support you.


"Either get busy livin' or get busy dyin'." (and I prefer to live)
"Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed."
Spectemur agendo.

Posts: 1763 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: California
Member # 19517
Default  Posted: 1:25 AM, August 10th (Sunday)

I just want to worry about my kids and myself.

Exactly right. My advice is to drop all the "checking". If he wants to cheat, you can't build the wall high enough, nor the moat wide enough, to keep him in the castle.

However, what you can do, in time, is to shut him out of your life so that what he does doesn't affect you.

Don't worry about "being supportive". In fact, REFUSE to support him. Let him put on his big boy pants and grow up all by himself.

Posts: 596 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Pennsylvania
Member # 41920
Default  Posted: 1:41 AM, August 10th (Sunday)


I mean how much can a person take??

Oh my, I've thought those words so many times...

I don't know if it will make it any better, but your situation isn't that unusual. It's a false R and in my (humble?) opinion it's just about the worse thing a spouse can do to another. It takes the A and just magnifies it and makes it so much worse.

But, it does happen and yes, we do get through it somehow. My profile might be useful to see an example of progressing through a false R and ultimately deciding what to do about it. For me it was D, but you'll need to come to your own conclusion.

I wish you didn't have to deal with this, but you're in a good place. Keep posting. For me, SI has been close to a lifesaver. I think I'd be so much worse off if I didn't have the support of people here.

You're right to turn your concern to you and the kids. Your WH is in a magical fantasyland and he's no good to you right now. IF he snaps out of it quickly and does a whole bunch of HARD work and is ready to PROVE it to you, then maybe you'll want to give him a chance, but right now you're right to have kicked him out.

Me: BH 47 STBXWW 47 (Lklb5)
M 19 years, DS 15, DS 11
DD#1: 12/24/2013
TT/Broke NC/False R
DD#2: 4/15/2014
TT 4/23, 4/24, 5/31, 7/19

Sample recovery plan, feedback welcome:

Posts: 878 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: California
Member # 36759
Default  Posted: 4:42 AM, August 10th (Sunday)

My DD#1 and #2 were about a month apart as well. When DD#2 hit I knew she wasn't going to change (I don't even know if she could change if she wanted to)and I had enough. I knew I needed to remain strong for our family and the only way to do that was without her. You've made the right decision because he isn't going to change. You and your children deserve better that this!

Wish you the very best!


BH 50s
xWW 50s

Dday1 7-2012
Dday2 8-2012
Divorce 9-2012

4 kids all adults.

Married 22+ years.

I have moved on and life is good!

Posts: 273 | Registered: Sep 2012
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, August 10th (Sunday)

So, your gift of forgiveness and agreeing to reconcile after his last bout of cheating was basically thrown in the garbage barely one month later?

Yup, he's shown you exactly who he is.

When someone shows you who they really are, believe it.

Don't be surprised when he starts the whining and crying for yet another chance, and claiming he's a 'sex addict' in order to get in your good graces and blame his behavior on something medical. Seems they're pretty much ALL doing that, now.

Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1906 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
New Member
Member # 44142
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, August 10th (Sunday)

Thanks everyone, I had a glass of wine and went to sleep. I will focus on my children and myself and try to create some sort of new normal. I couldn't get the 180 started, I just didn't have it in me, now I think I'm ready. What should I do about MC??, Should I tell her we are cancelling, should I go alone and make it IC, not sure what to do.

Me: BS 30
Him: WH, 37 porn, sexting, pic sharing,& phone sex with women,+ maybe more..
2 kids, M 11 yrs, 2Gether 15yrs
Agreed to R, but doubtful and unsure if I should just move on alone.

Posts: 17 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: NYC
Member # 21377
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, August 10th (Sunday)

I'm so sorry! Yes, call the MC and ask if they do IC. Keep posting here, but it does help to have someone in real life to talk to about this.

Posts: 1468 | Registered: Oct 2008
Member # 31765
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, August 10th (Sunday)

Hi notyours,

Really sorry for the DD#2 pain bomb that you just got.

Most people here will probably say forget MC right now (waste of time and money), and do IC for you now. And if ws is truly remorseful he'd need to do his own IC to see why he did this.

I'd cancel MC ( ws will most likely just minimize and blame during MC) til ws show's commitment and accepts all terms of your requirements for R.

Start the 180 asap--now.

Good luck. Again, so sorry.

Posts: 822 | Registered: Apr 2011
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, August 10th (Sunday)

Yep if you can turn that MC into IC do so. Do not attend anymore MC with him. If he asks tell him it's pointless and leave it at that.

The 180 can be hard and you'll mess up sometimes. Dont be hard on yourself when that happens, just get back on track asap. Come here and post and you'll get support.

I'm so sorry this is happening.

DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.

Posts: 2417 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, August 10th (Sunday)

You do know he wasn't at the store until 10PM..right?

STD tests...asap.

I think you should see an attorney and find out what your rights are.

Im sorry.

FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 7936 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Member # 36870
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, August 10th (Sunday)

I am so so sorry. I know how you feel.

Look after you and your children.
PLEASE get checked for STDs.

Put yourself first now, you and your children. This is what is important now.

Be kind to yourself.

D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 42
Status: Divorced

Posts: 187 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: England
Member # 44416
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, August 11th (Monday)

I just had DD#3. I feel your pain.

What I told WH was "what is there that you can show me is different in this DD than in the previous ones?"

If there isn't anything different, then you get him the heck out of there. If there is, then IMHO, you should think about whether it makes a difference to you or not.

In my case, I can see that DD#3 is different, but I am still trying to figure out whether it is enough to justify me trying anymore. In the meantime, I already started the protection measures mentioned by others. I'm getting my financial, document, and other ducks in order in case the other shoe drops (which is what I feel like I am waiting for).

DDay1 3/26/2014
DDay2 4/15/2014
DDay 3 7/15/2014
DDay 4 8/15/2014

Me BS 40
WH 39

3 Kids, 9, 4 and 1

Posts: 186 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: St Louis MO
Topic Posts: 13