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User Topic: T/J from "carpe diem failure" (general forum)
tfkeel
Member
Member # 19517
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, August 10th (Sunday)

From the original poster on the other thread:

I need to feel wanted by WW, she wanted another man, how come not me.

Describing a situation in which he is sexually refused prior to, during, and following his WW's affair.

What I want to know is this:

Why is it that women marry a man who they are not sexually attracted to, because he will be a good "provider" and "protector", father, etc......

If it is because he doesn't meet her emotional needs, did that change because of the marriage?

It cannot be that they don't understand that sex is "where it's at" for the man. If they didn't understand that, they wouldn't feign desire for him.

Is it that they plainly don't care about him? They are only interested in whether he can meet their needs, but are unconcerned as to whether they actually meet his?

Isn't this pretty much like adultery? Doesn't it really have the same effect on the guy as if she actually had sex with another man?

Why is it that they will avoid their husband for months on end, yet stay glued to the tv when "McDreamy" and "McSteamy" are on?

[This message edited by tfkeel at 5:33 PM, August 10th (Sunday)]


Posts: 526 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Pennsylvania
jo2love
Moderator
Member # 31528
Red  Posted: 6:33 PM, August 10th (Sunday)

tfkeel -

We're moving this post to General because it's infidelity related.


Posts: 35919 | Registered: Mar 2011
MovingUpward
Guide
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, August 10th (Sunday)

Posting as a member

Why is it that women marry a man who they are not sexually attracted to, because he will be a good "provider" and "protector", father, etc......

First off I'd hate to alienate the many many many women that are sexually attracted to their man, so let's just focus on that small subset that weren't sexually attracted (both men and women included). This small set of men and women that married yet weren't sexually attracted probably went ahead and wed because so many other areas were met. Most likely never found someone 100% compatible so they settled. The struggles with this set really isn't much different than what occurs in many marriages when there are different levels of sex drives. It is an incompatibility to be worked on.

So these marriages have an incompatibility. So how does one solve that? I am not totally sure. I don't think that there is a universal solution. I will say that I suspect that if spouse didn't love their spouse that they wouldn't feign interest. One can argue that their connection isn't as deep or strong but it is all subjective and that makes it tough to compare.

Isn't this pretty much like adultery? Doesn't it really have the same effect on the guy as if she actually had sex with another man?

The end result on how the spouse that isn't getting their needs met may be similar to one that has been cheated. I can see how if one faked sexual interest just to get married would be similar to adultery in that one deceived the other.

So if your spouse always faked sexual interest so that they could get other needs filled, then you are justified in having feelings similar to one that has been cheated on.

Why is it that they will avoid their husband for months on end, yet stay glued to the tv when "McDreamy" and "McSteamy" are on?

That is the fantasy world. It doesn't have the personal trials or monotony that most of our lives have. It is just the high adrenaline lifestyle. At this point in a marriage one or the other spouse can take the initiative to create a new positive dynamic. The more both spouses are trying to be in tuned with each other the less likely McDreamy and McSteamy will get attention.

FWIW The biggest lesson I took out of being married is that marriage is not static. It is evolving and changing. Spouses either work together to change in agreed directions or they can quickly drift apart. Love and romance and sex take effort. They are important things so make the time and put in real effort to keep the feelings there.


AKA Moo

Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.


Posts: 52681 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
Echelon61
New Member
Member # 44409
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, August 10th (Sunday)

tfkeel - Please, if you ever discover the reason for this sort of behavior contact me IMMEDIATELY! LOL.
I don't mean to make light of your situation at all, believe me. Because my wife shut down on me physically as well during the last two years that we were living together & I've never gotten an honest answer out of her as to why.
Even more than that, during the two years now that we've been separated, she's occasionally dropped ideas like the two of us arranging "sex dates", the idea that reconciliation isn't far away should I desire it & other similar things just to keep my thoughts, emotions, desires pointed in her direction... which, have led to absolutely nothing.
The last time that the two of us had sex was in October of 2010. Since that time, she's had at least three relationships that I know of. Two while we were still together & then she spent from November of 2012 until April of this year actually living with another guy.
Me? Nothing.
I've wasted almost four full years worrying about what she's been up to, while I've been celibate waiting around for her. Insane, right?
Don't I know it.
But, when you have someone totally playing with your heart & your head, time F**king flies my friend. And, if you're not careful it gets away from you & then, you find yourself having completely wasted the equivalent of a full Presidential term or the period between the summer Olympics.
And, even as much as it's been the ruination of my self esteem, if I step back & take an impersonal look at myself & the other men that she's cheated on me with & had relationships with during our separations ( oh yeah, this is my second trip to this rodeo! ), they're not better looking than me, they're not more caring than me & they're certainly not more intelligent than me ( And yes, just so it doesn't seem as if I'm being the least bit egotistical here, I've had others, whose opinions I trust, confirm these things including members of her own family ) & yet she STILL chooses them over me.
Who knows why?
I doubt whether even she has a solid reason why, because, honestly, they've been a pretty sorry lot for the most part.
If I run down the list of men that she's had inappropriate relationships/affairs/dated during our separations they've been a next door neighbor with a plethora of missing teeth, Two men twenty years older than her, another one thirty years older than her, two guys that were/are fairly intellectually challenged, two former crack heads & a guy that she met in the psych ward ( no, I'm not denigrating those with psychological issues either because I'm bipolar myself, but this guy suffered from both a VERY borderline personality disorder & was schizophrenic as well ). And not a one of them was even a moderately handsome man by all accounts.
Now who knows? Maybe they were all hung like horses , but I doubt it.
In fact, in my wife's version of the truth, she only ever slept with ONE of them & that was during our initial separation. I have evidence that clearly states otherwise in her own handwriting, but that's another story I suppose...
The point being that sometimes there aren't any answers forthcoming. sometimes whatever REALLY drives a cheating spouse to do what they do is such a well guarded secret that they'll very likely never admit to it. Some of them, not even to themselves.

- Jim


Posts: 19 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: Niagara Falls, NY
Sad in AZ
Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, August 10th (Sunday)

It works both ways. The X was not really into sex; if we made love 4 times a year, it was a lot. There were periods where it increased, but they were few and far between, and it may very well be that he was having other As at those times. I'll never know, and don't really care at this point.

About 6 months to a year before the A started, he was having ED problems. I tried to talk to him about it, but he shut me down. (I thought it might be related to his bike riding for exercise. He goes into things single-mindedly, and he was riding 50 miles a day!)

I suggested viagra and he refused; I even offered to help pay for it. Imagine my shock when I discovered he was buying it on the sly for the OW.

For a long time I had such feelings of inadequacy and despair--why wasn't I enough for him? Why did I spend so many unsatisfying years with him? Was I stupid?? I'm long over that now, but it still makes me shake my head from time to time.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20292 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 12:12 AM, August 11th (Monday)

I've wasted almost four full years worrying about what she's been up to, while I've been celibate waiting around for her. Insane, right?

Hand raised


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5141 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Topic Posts: 6