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Reconciliation
User Topic: Replaceable
GettingHappy
New Member
Member # 42129
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, August 10th (Sunday)

I am struggling with the fact that I was being replaced by the OWs while my WH was in his As. I know that I am better than them but I wasn't in his eyes. Does anyone feel this way? I don't know how to stop these feelings. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Jan 2014
Wodnships
Member
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 9:43 PM, August 10th (Sunday)

I felt that way early on after Dday, but that has faded. The more I realize that there is nothing I could have done differently and all of this is about my WW's problems and not me.


me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world

- Harry Chapin


Posts: 519 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
ReconcilingWife
Member
Member # 44420
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, August 10th (Sunday)

YES. And it wasn't just that I was replaced sexually. (Actually, I wasn't--he was sleeping with both of us.) But a lot of the mundane chit-chat about his day, that kind of thing, was going to her instead of me. She was his real partner during the affair, not me, and that really, really bothers me.

I am assuming that with time and a better understanding of why he did this (which was certainly to do with FOO issues, and not me, and not our marriage), I will be able to cope better.


Me: BS, 41
Him: WS, 47
DD: May 30, 2014 (2 month affair)

Married 13 years
2 children

Trying to reconcile


Posts: 261 | Registered: Aug 2014
MegM
Member
Member # 34941
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, August 10th (Sunday)

GettingHappy

I felt like this. that my husband was replacing me, replacing his feelings for me.

The AP was very attractive, slim, fit, glossy hair about 4 years younger than me.

At the time (when I was being gaslighted but consumed with suspicion) and for months after discovery I really felt like he had disregarded me entirely and valued all of the above.

This feeling has changed over time. I understand his affair was about his disregard for his own value, an attempt to fill a hole within himself.

I won't pretend that his infidelity and choice of AP hasn't altered my self image. It has. At the moment I have gained weight again and it is all bundled up with feeling less secure in myself and that bearing out on my feelings about our relationship just now.

It remains a challenge, and something I have to work through.

I do truly believe though that affairs are about a lacking in the unfaithful person. That they carry them on because the AP will mirror back what the WS wants to see. they don't have to face reality, which as their spouse tends to be what they see in our eyes.

best wishes.

Meg


BS / fWS me 41 (@ DDay)
fWS / BS him 39-BlindFreddy (@DDay)
My DD's 13 Jan 2012 / 29 Jan / 27 Feb (Trickle truth for 5 wks)
His DDay Dec 2003 (details 06/12)
Married
3 ch(6 - 16 at discovery)
remembering "Sunshine on my shoulders"

Posts: 669 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Australia
Hopeful74
Member
Member # 44003
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, August 10th (Sunday)

I definitely feel that way and it hurts deeply! I know what kind of person I am and I know what kind of woman she is and there really is no competition. But it hurts so deeply to know that my H could change the way he sees me to be with someone else. I have to keep reminding myself that I am a prize and he was lucky to have me. She was a dime a dozen and he will never love anyone as much as he loved me. It is exhausting trying to see myself through my own eyes, as opposed to how I feel through his. He has been my life for 18 years, and to be so easily replaced is extremely hurtful and devastating. I guess that is why some WS don't do what it takes to make it work. It is too difficult and they are too lazy or scared to look that closely at themselves. It is sad that they are willing to let go of the best things that have ever happened to them (my husband's words to me 5 months ago, before I made it too hard for him to come back), than to fix the problems in themselves. Because that is where the problem lies, not with you. You are a good person, doing the right things. They have to change who we are in their minds in order to do what they do. It doesn't mean that is what we truly are.


Me: BW 39 Him:WH 37 (M)12 years; (T)18 years -2 DD: 16; 3; 1 DS: 9
Separated, headed for Divorce-he's not strong enough for me
'Everytime you get up and get back in the race, one more small piece of you starts to fall into place.' -

Posts: 302 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Hampton, VA
Didact
Member
Member # 42867
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, August 11th (Monday)

Yes. It is the single most horrifying thought about the A. It has taken me a lot of pain and effort to begin to believe that this was not, in fact, the case. Much of that effort has been on the part of my WW, otherwise, I think I'd have been stuck on this issue, and we would be heading to D.


No matter how painful, life either adapts or it dies.

BH (Me) 49
WW 48
Married 1985
D-Day Mar 19, 2014
1 year passionate EA/PA, ended by me on d-day.
Attempting to R


Posts: 240 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
rachelc
Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, August 11th (Monday)

My husband basically left our marriage for a while and started dating. He failed to tell me this.
When I look at it I think he must not have been too serious about it because he dated unavailable women. Also, he said he didn't even like one of them. Wow, then to nearly destroy your marriage on someone you don't like? What does that say about me? It kind of says a lot about him though...


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5324 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
GettingHappy
New Member
Member # 42129
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, August 11th (Monday)

Thanks for your replies everyone. Having a really bad day. I feel like the OW was treated very well by my WH. I want to be treated at least that well. I think for him it was initially an exit affair but now we are trying to reconcile. He is trying to work on himself in IC and reading How to Help Your Spouse but I honestly don't know if he can handle helping me through this. I have serious doubts. I am holding off until will go back to MC because I think he will be able to share more easily there. Maybe the MC can help him to understand my feelings. We have a great counselor but took a break because he was still in contact with OW.

Thanks for the support.


Posts: 37 | Registered: Jan 2014
JLyn1128
Member
Member # 41915
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, August 11th (Monday)

That feeling is pretty common, I guess. I was 'replaced' by a woman 25 years our junior. During one of our discussions I told WSO... what I lost was that feeling of 'special' that if tomorrow I got hit by a bus, my replacement was already in line and he could just change the sheets and go. That was not how I felt about him, and the thought hurt more than anything else I had discovered. His response to me was that she was never my replacement. He never intended to have her here and that if I got hit by a bus he would be devastated. He might eventually find someone to share his life with, but it would not be her. She was not a person he could live his life with. She was not even a 'nice' person. The need she was filling in his life could have been filled by any other woman, or a good hooker. All she was to him was available at the drop of a hat and the price of lunch.

Do I believe him? After DD he dropped her like a hot potato and has never looked back. I've struggled with his relationship with her more than he has. The counselor suggested that what he said was more than likely true, at least in our case. It might be different in others, but our relationship was non-existant during his A. So that's what I work on and he hasn't given me any reason to doubt it. The other day, while I was doing something in the kitchen I caught him looking at me and said, "what?" And he responded, "I can't take my eyes off you for some reason today. Just glad you're here with me." She was a 'replacement', I guess, for a moment. But not for anything I couldn't provide better.


Me BSO 62
Him WSO 62
Together 29 years, living together 17. He's been with her off and on for half of that.
OW - Available. Thinks 'love' is in the way he looks at her.
Status - R and hopeful

Posts: 105 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: CA
wolf_heart
Member
Member # 35262
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, August 11th (Monday)

I still struggle with this too. I was replaced for almost 4 months. Yes, he still was having sex with me and talking to me, however she got more of his attention. She was the one his mind was occupied with the most.

My WH has tried to reassure me now that he only thinks of me etc... I am still struggling with what he did and honestly words right now need to be backed up with actions. After all he lied to me, straight to my face, looking in my eyes lied to me for a long time. I figure it will be a matter of his actions and time for me to deal with this aspect of his A.


Married 27 years
BW: Me, 48
WH: 48
DDay#2: March 2012
DDay#1: October 1992
Attempting R
Without honesty, loyalty, and commitment; saying you love someone, simply means nothing.

Posts: 291 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Southwestern Area of USA
whattheh
Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, August 11th (Monday)

I went thru this mindset too. I kept talking to my fWH about it and somehow we've gotten past this. But it was EXTREMELY painful and plagued me for thr first year.

There no way the trailer trash OW whore could have replaced me but it took me awhile and some long talks to truly understand and internalize that. In the end I realized he despised her and I knew she didn't know the real him at all.

I think when you really understand that the cheating has nothing to do with you or ur M will also help you realize that you weren't being replaced. These cheaters aren't thinking straight and aren't thinking downstream at any consequences. they just don't think they will EVER be caught.

[This message edited by whattheh at 5:18 PM, August 11th (Monday)]


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 575 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
jo2love
Moderator
Member # 31528
Red  Posted: 5:28 PM, August 11th (Monday)

whattheh -

Please remember to follow the guidelines. There is no name calling of the OW in the Recon forum. Thank you.


Posts: 36032 | Registered: Mar 2011
GettingHappy
New Member
Member # 42129
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, August 11th (Monday)

Thank you!! I truly appreciate everyone's responses.

I guess my problem is that he did leave me April 2013 & stayed with her. He moved back home in July. We were going to MC and he never admitted to an A. I found out in November about the A. The affair continued underground until this May. So I think that is why I am having a hard time with it. I was doing better after the first DDay but since it continued for 6 more months to a lesser degree- but still continued- its hard not to see it as being replaced. I continue to compare my relationship with WH to their relationship. I am having a hard time letting that go.


Posts: 37 | Registered: Jan 2014
LA44
Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, August 11th (Monday)

I am stumped with this one...trying to figure out why I never felt this way. I think it was bc what they were living was not real. Yes they had sex. Yes they spoke about mundane things....bc why? Because they couldn't talk about real things - the kids, the mortgage, a family member dying, a friend in pain.....I just look at what they had...nothing with substance. It wasn't real. o Why did he move out? Because "real life" wasn't working out for them was it.

((GettingHappy)) I hope you are finding your WS remorseful and willing to do the work to help you heal from the pain he brought to you. I would say, hold off from MC until he gets a good dose of IC first.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2482 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
GettingHappy
New Member
Member # 42129
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, August 11th (Monday)

Thanks LA44- My Wh has been in IC for a few months. I do see changes in him. He says he is trying to become a better person. We have always had a hard time communicating and need our MC to help us. Before I knew about the affair we started working in that in MC. I think it will help me see where we are. He is living with his parents right now and I think it makes it harder to reconcile when we are apart so much.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Jan 2014
Hopeful74
Member
Member # 44003
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, August 11th (Monday)

Getting happy, your story sounds so similar to mine. Like you, my husband chose the OW on DDay and stayed with her for 2 months. I hope your story has the happy ending you want. My H started IC and we stayed separated. After 3 months of therapy, he couldn't answer my questions any more than the night he called me, crying about losing me and his family. He was determined for about 4 months and then stopped answering my questions altogether. He said he would talk in MC, but that is not good enough for me. He needs to be all in and make me see that it is worth it. I believe he is seeing someone else and is not strong enough to really deal with what he has done to me. It was just too hard on him. So, I feel he has taken the easy way again. I hope your H is really working on himself to be everything you need. I know it is possible. I have seen too many positive outcomes on this site to believe otherwise. You will know if he is all in or not. I have learned to really listen to my gut and intuition, so that is one thing I will take from this tragedy. Good luck to you and your husband. I am sending good thoughts your way! ((Hugs))

[This message edited by Hopeful74 at 9:45 PM, August 11th (Monday)]


Me: BW 39 Him:WH 37 (M)12 years; (T)18 years -2 DD: 16; 3; 1 DS: 9
Separated, headed for Divorce-he's not strong enough for me
'Everytime you get up and get back in the race, one more small piece of you starts to fall into place.' -

Posts: 302 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Hampton, VA
GettingHappy
New Member
Member # 42129
Default  Posted: 2:25 AM, August 12th (Tuesday)

Thank you Hopeful. I am sorry things don't feel so positive for you right now. I don't believe my H is seeing anyone. He is much different than he was during the A. He has a lot of difficulty expressing himself emotionally and I think realizing his choices really messed him up even more. I need him to be stronger for me though. I also worry that he won't truly learn from this and will repeat it in the future.

I hope your H turns around for you and realizes what he will be missing without you. You deserve so much more!


Posts: 37 | Registered: Jan 2014
GettingHappy
New Member
Member # 42129
Default  Posted: 2:34 AM, August 12th (Tuesday)

I had a pity party today (well yesterday). I got a lot off my mind to WH. I think part of our problem is that he doesn't know what to say except sorry. Unfortunately, that doesn't help a lot. Glad my sister had the kids so I could get a lot out of my system. I find pity parties to be very helpful-as long as I can move on from them feeling stronger.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Jan 2014
Hopeful74
Member
Member # 44003
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, August 12th (Tuesday)

Thanks GettingHappy! I am positive it is not goin to happen for me. I don't think I would want to take him back at this point. Not even when this one blows up in face and he calls me again, crying. It's just something I can't get past anymore. I am envious of those of you whose H's are able to put you first and do what needs to be done. But, we had issues deeper than deeper than the affair, things that I was willing to work on before the A, but he couldn't do it. He was too selfish, and continues to be.


Me: BW 39 Him:WH 37 (M)12 years; (T)18 years -2 DD: 16; 3; 1 DS: 9
Separated, headed for Divorce-he's not strong enough for me
'Everytime you get up and get back in the race, one more small piece of you starts to fall into place.' -

Posts: 302 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Hampton, VA
Hopeful74
Member
Member # 44003
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, August 12th (Tuesday)

I'm sorry! I don't mean to sound so bitter! I'm really not. Well, maybe toward him. But I am going to be fine and kind of lookin forward what the future holds for me. And I really hope things work out for you and your H and your marriage is even better and stronger than before.


Me: BW 39 Him:WH 37 (M)12 years; (T)18 years -2 DD: 16; 3; 1 DS: 9
Separated, headed for Divorce-he's not strong enough for me
'Everytime you get up and get back in the race, one more small piece of you starts to fall into place.' -

Posts: 302 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Hampton, VA
BtraydWife
Member
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, August 12th (Tuesday)

No it's just the opposite.

You were better than she was and your husband knew it too.

His behavior would only be accepted by someone equally broken and damaged. He had to seek out someone lesser than you in order to find justification and validation for his actions and words. A healthy, strong, and intelligent person wouldn't accept such behavior.

There is a thread in JFO titled
They Always Affair Down

It's a must read.

People don't have affairs with healthy, strong, intelligent, and secure people. He had to go trolling for someone lesser than you. In fact, in many ways she needed to be lesser than he was too, so she'd validate him and make him feel important and smart.

She was never better than you. What she was to him, was better at accepting his broken mindset and messed up actions without question. She fit his need to not be held accountable or responsible for his behavior. So the only thing she was better at was being a hot mess.

[This message edited by BtraydWife at 8:52 AM, August 12th (Tuesday)]


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 1986 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
MJane
Member
Member # 40571
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, August 12th (Tuesday)

Hi there - completing get the being "replaced" - I was completely replaced but was busy looking after a newborn and thought the lack of sexual interest initially was the same sleep deprivation and parenting coping that I was dealing with and not that he was busy with someone else in his lunchtimes! While the betrayal and breach of trust are horrid the fact I became completely invisible to him hurts so much. He saw me give love to our child and we shared those first months as a new family and while it meant the world to me it clearly meant very little to him. I wonder at my own naivety - I thought our M had just waned under the pressures of being new parents and was busting a gut to try and bring romance back - I feel a fool now knowing he had plenty or romance and time off - just not with me. I was not just his lover or his wife - I was his best friend and he looked me in the eye every day and was capable of taking what he needed from me while treating me like a doormat. I know it isn't about the OW but he also chose someone so superficial, gaudy and cruel (she was the one who broke it to me in the worst possible terms smiling on my front door step) and he told that person he loved her - makes me wonder whether I am truly loved and actually I remain unconvinced his love is the true kind so R is not really happening - I am haunted by the feeling that if I let my guard down he'll do this to me again.


Posts: 253 | Registered: Sep 2013
Topic Posts: 22