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User Topic: OW feels so entitled and I am sick to death of it!
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 1:49 PM, August 27th (Wednesday)

I am at my wits end. I have had it! My H and I thought we had successfully blocked any and all access from OW to any of our e-mail, FB, or other accounts. But today she sent H a love letter (not!) through a work e-mail address that he forwarded to me.

She honestly expects him to talk to her and says she hates him (big deal) because he won't. He sent her an NC letter a while back, so he is not going to respond.

That is all very well and good. But the last time this happened (when he "dared" to ignore her), she went all bunny boiler on me and my family. So I am a bit nervous - to say the least - over here.

From what she says and has said in the past, here is her issue: because my H called her every morning so they could sext while he was on the way to work, and because they skyped every Saturday morning while touching themselves, and did little more than f--- 5-6 times each time they actually got together, which was usually once a month, she feels she owns him now. Yes, this hideous display of hormones running amuck went on for 6 years, but that entitles her to nothing. I found out, he ended it with her, and it is over. His little fantasy world ceased to exist. So has hers.

She has the audacity to tell me that she did not consider what they had together to be adultery (even though both of them were - and still are - married and, by her own admission, their relationship was nothing but sex, sex, and more sex). This is because he was her "soul mate" and he told her he loved her - every day. I'm sure he did - as a means of being grateful for her helping him get his rocks off.

She honestly believed she would end up with him and that he would dump me. Apparently he led her to believe that. I know she's read the same books I have. Don't they all promise their AP's that, with most of them returning to their spouses in the end?

I am convinced that she would be happy to have things go back just the way they were before I found out. After all, weren't we all happy then? And my answer to that is "Hell no!".

I was miserable during those 6 years, loving a man - deeply - who repeatedly put me down and criticized every word I said. Often in front of my children. I blamed it on the stress of his job and prayed every day during that time that God would heal our marriage. My sons weren't happy. My youngest son would often chase me out of the house as I ran out crying after one of my H's outbursts and beg me not to leave him, but finally told me he would understand if I did. My oldest son abuses his girlfriend and admits it is because that is how he saw his father treat me. No, dear OW. Nobody over here was happy during those 6 years. Not even your beloved AP - my H. It was often his guilt that made him lash out at me - at all of us sometimes.

And how happy were things in her household? Two years into their A, she made her poor H leave because she couldn't stand loving one man and coming home to another. And that poor guy waited the A out, fully expecting my H would leave her if, for no other reason, than because he had 2 sons who needed their father. (They have no children of their own).

The whole thing was a nightmare with a lot of very hurt people left in the aftermath of it all. Not to mention the horrible STD's she gave us (see my post in Reconciliation for details).

I am furious today and hope to God that she reads this post. She did untold damage to me and my family and my H, who is now extremely remorseful, is ashamed of every moment he spent with her, and wants nothing to do with her ever again. When I mention her, he cringes. He has wept countless tears over the extreme hurt she has caused me and eventually our youngest son, who found out about it all this summer.

I am not like her BS. I will not sit back and allow my H to f--- another woman while I just wait for it to come to the conclusion she is satisfied with. She doesn't like that it ended so abruptly? Well, tough tuna! That's how things like this end when one of the AP's loves his or her spouse enough to see it for what it is and ends it, hoping beyond hope that the true love of his life will forgive him enough to take him back. Which I have done.

I am sorry she does not love her H enough to give him the respect he deserves. My heart truly goes out to him.

But she needs to get a life and LEAVE US ALONE!!

To any of you who actually read through this ranting, thank you so much for being here. I needed this badly. I am on the brink of giving up over here.



Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 416 | Registered: May 2014
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, August 27th (Wednesday)

(((((nfh))))) Have you considered contacting the police? Or having a lawyer draw up a letter telling her that if she contacts any of your family members again, that you will press charges for harassment?

Sending you strength, hon.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25499 | Registered: Aug 2011
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, August 27th (Wednesday)

Dear NIK,
Thank you so much for responding. I feel like I am losing my mind today. Just too much crap this week. Will it ever end???

Yes, I did contact the police and have started a file as they suggested. Apparently we have to wait until someone is "really" hurt before they can do anything. She lives in another state...

With what has transpired this week, I am very close to pressing charges. She slept with my H knowing she had 2 very serious, potentially deadly, STD's. I feel like egging her house and smashing her car - that's about as violent as I can get. But you get the picture. I have had it with her!!

Thanks for being there!! (((NIK)))


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 416 | Registered: May 2014
confused615
Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, August 27th (Wednesday)

Have your attorney send her a NC letter..telling her any further attempts at contact and there will be legal consequences.

And if she still contacts him..or you? Press charges.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,10
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7480 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
nowiknow23
Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, August 27th (Wednesday)

Hang in there, honey. I know it seems absolutely relentless right now, but it will get better. ((((more hugs))))


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25499 | Registered: Aug 2011
hopingforhappy
Member
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, August 27th (Wednesday)

I think it is amazing how these OW think that if they can just talk to WH one more time, they can get some sort of closure. Or, more likely, they can make a plan to take the A underground. My FWH's OW went nuts also when FWH threw her under the bus and stopped communicating with her. She thought that her powers of persuasion were so great. She kept saying that if they could just get together and talk, they could end things amicably. Uh huh. If she was so into ending it, what was there to talk about?

NFS, she is not in control of him anymore (not that she ever actually was, but she thought that she was), so she is going crazy. I think it happens a lot. Your WH contributed to this problem by making a lot of empty promises. It may take a while (and I concur with the suggestion to have an attorney write a letter for you), but ignoring is the best route. I am sorry that you are having to deal with this. Every contact from her sets you back some, I know.


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1314 | Registered: Aug 2010
Lovedyoumore
Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, August 27th (Wednesday)

Oh, the STD princess strikes again. She is playing her game. Do not let her win.

After a few sessions with IC and continued pursuit by the OW, my H's IC told him to go complete NC. He told my H that the OW was probably a sociopath that would keep circling like a desperate vampire. She needed the contact to keep feeding her need. She could go away for a while and would circle back around hoping for a fix. Worse for us, after the first DDay, she was able to get him to break the first, flimsy NC he put in place and they went from a strong EA to a very passionate PA. She thought she could wear him down.

Encourage your H to stay NC, no matter how persistent the OW continues to be. Have everything forwarded to you immediately. If she ramps this up, have a third party send her a very terse letter, preferably a lawyer.

Did you contact her BH about her diseases? Have the attorney mention those, too, in his letter to the princess.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1477 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 2:47 PM, August 27th (Wednesday)

HopingForhappy, you are so right. Who do the OW's think they are fooling? They "just" want a "proper" good-bye. Yeah, right. They want exactly what you say they want - to get heir claws into our H's again and take their A underground. Because, yes, they think they are that amazing and that one look at them will melt our H's hearts (and other body parts too).

Like she hasn't given us enough of her STD's and other crap. H wants to dive right back into that nightmare. About as much as he wants his eyeballs poked out. They are delusional and that's what frightens me the most. I think OW is what she accuses my H of being - a Narcissistic Psychopath. I have never been so frightened of anyone in my life...


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 416 | Registered: May 2014
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, August 27th (Wednesday)

Thanks, LoveyouMore! Good advice that I am finally ready to take. It is just about time to lawyer up - something I never wanted to do.

I have not let her BS know about the STD's yet - I am too scared. I know I will do it, but after my H forwarded her message to me, I froze.

I KNOW she will go crazy when I tell him. He has been "on her side", which is really weird. He told my H (when my H called to apologize to him a few months back) that he thought my H was only thinking of himself and of me and did not consider what emotional damage he had done to his wife. I am not even sure what that means. What did he expect my H to do? There has been emotional damage all around. Yes, I will tell him but have no idea what to expect from them. Wish me luck!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 416 | Registered: May 2014
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, August 27th (Wednesday)

The audacity of this bitch is shocking. She must really think she's owed something. She was a tool used to get off, not a soul mate. Tough shit for her. She can't face the fact that she's
not significant to him. Good job contacting the police. What a freakin self absorbed bitch!!!


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5063 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
SpecialK
Member
Member # 42372
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, August 27th (Wednesday)

Wow her husband (and I use that term loosely) is quite a tool huh? I would ask him to check to see what purse she has his balls in, and ask for them back!!!!

Sounds like an attorney is your only hope, unless the house falls on her.. crosses fingers :)


Posts: 283 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Florida
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, August 27th (Wednesday)

Ostrich80, I would feel sorry for OW if she wasn't so cruel. If what my H and she had was true love, then her definition of love is pathetic. She sent me texts telling me how much they loved each other and how it wasn't adultery BECAUSE they had sex every way and in every place imaginable. Wow! What a deep relationship.

When I was going through chemotherapy, which was the first time I had cancer about 13 years ago, my H and I could not make love for several months, but as I recall those days were some of the most loving days of our entire marriage. The way we supported and comforted each other and our children. The way we could laugh when my youngest son asked me to please put my head on (meaning my wig), which I tried to wear 24/7 - just to make him happy. The way we just held on to each other when times got especially rough. Now that was love...

Yes, the audacity of her remarks and actions is shocking. You hit the nail on the head. Thanks for being there. Today I feel hollow and really need friends like you.
And, yes, SpecialK, I have yet to figure her BH out.

[This message edited by needfriendshere at 4:19 PM, August 27th (Wednesday)]


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 416 | Registered: May 2014
Lovedyoumore
Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, August 27th (Wednesday)

Maybe the BH is the OW's submissive. It sounds as if he is part of her sick game. Have the attorney send the BH a copy of the NC letter, after you mention the STD.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1477 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
Want2help
Member
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, August 27th (Wednesday)

I don't think the amount of time has anything to do with entitlement of the AP. My FWH's Ow knew him for less than 4 months, from beginning to end, and felt the same entitlement (claims she knew him better than me after we've been together 13 years ).


BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
OC born 3/08
OC Adopted 2014

Reconciled


Posts: 2285 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
LivinginLimbo
Member
Member # 35004
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, August 27th (Wednesday)

Between an email I sent the MOW on D-Day and the voicemail I left when she sent my FWH a text three weeks later, I know she was afraid to contact me. Still, that didn't stop her from trying to get my FWH back for 15 long months. Our MC kept saying not to respond. We never did but even she agreed when we said we were going to consult an attorney.

I don't know where you live. I'm in NY and the lawyer explained that he'll prepare a letter, including a copy of the law she'd be violating if she didn't cease contact. If she still did it after getting the letter, he'd have a State Trooper go to her house to warn her that she'd be arrested the next time. Fortunately, the letter alone did the trick. (He had it delivered via a process server so she couldn't claim she never received it.)

It brought us blissful silence. No more cutesy texts (we were slow blocking her number only because we didn't know how. She got another phone.) No more emails, no more IM's, zippo.

I do hope that an attorney can help you with this. He did caution us that it could create a mess along the lines of her claiming he contacted/encouraged her but that never happened.

Gotta love the entitled OW's and their magical crotches.


BS - 62
FWH - 60
Married 34 years
D-Day 2/12/12
Doing well with R

Posts: 1039 | Registered: Mar 2012
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, August 27th (Wednesday)

LoveyouMore, I have thought this exact same thing:

"Maybe the BH is the OW's submissive. It sounds as if he is part of her sick game".

Well, that's all fine and dandy if that's how they want to conduct their marriage. It is not how we conduct ours. Can you believe that she MADE him move out when she fell in love with my H and he just waited around for my H to end it?

Thanks for your input, LivinginLimbo. Blissful silence would be a blessing! BTW, "magical crotches". I like that. Made me laugh.


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 416 | Registered: May 2014
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, August 27th (Wednesday)

LivinginLimbo - 15 months? Your H's AP tried to get him back for 15 months? How could you stand it? It has only been 6 months for us and she is driving me crazy. Was your OW also mean and vindictive? Telling you all the reasons why you should let her have him? Until I blocked her, ours kept reminding me how much in love they were, the details of their sexual encounters, and the words of love he professed to her. It almost worked - until H broke down, really broke down at all the hurt she (and he) had caused me (and our family). Since that day, the thought of her and what they did disgusts him.

I wish she could accept that and move on. She is, after all, married - for 31 or 32 years.

It sounds like you are doing well now. I am really happy for you.


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 416 | Registered: May 2014
hopefull77
Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, August 27th (Wednesday)

The OW believed it all....hook line and sinker...they were in love after all!! But as soon as the A saw the light of day that 'relationship' scattered like cockroaches in daylight!
crunch crunch ....
I have some empathy for her ....she took a risk it did not pay off....
My H got off that runaway train on dday.....
If she's still riding it....that's her choice.....only she can choose to get off.....


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 09-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 556 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, August 28th (Thursday)

To Hopeful77 and everyone else who has responded here, I hate to sound sexist, but this problem with the OS's not letting go seems to be almost exclusively a female issue.

As long as the men are in it only for sex, when the threat of losing their partners and their families arises (i.e., on Dday), they are able to often drop the OW's flat without a second thought. I have asked my H if he misses her - after all they carried on their A for 6 years - and he swears that he doesn't even think of her anymore. He goes on to say that the thought of her and what they did now sickens him. But she - someone who is also married and who is also supposedly attempting to R with her BH - just can not and will not let go.

Is it because women invest more emotion into these relationships? Even when they are all about sex?

This part confuses me...


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 416 | Registered: May 2014
hopefull77
Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, August 28th (Thursday)

Needsfriendshere....
my IC told me very early on that he probably doesn't give her much thought .....but she has counseled women who ASSURE her "oh but THIS is different. We truly LOVE each other".....she just shakes her head. Yes I believe women invest more than their body.....if the OW had done any reading the stats say if they haven't left the spouse after 3 months....they aren't leaving...
Affairs are selfish....I do have empathy for someone who thought they could have a life with someone based on lies and deciept...what a lonely life it would be.....


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 09-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 556 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 8:12 PM, August 28th (Thursday)

Hopeful77, that's one of the things that does puzzle me about H's AP. She has read many of the books I have and still doesn't get it. She still clings to the promises FWH made to her and is devastated that he dropped her flat when I found out about them. Like you said, if he hadn't left me by then, what made her think he ever would?

Also, in her case, she has an H who loves her and is trying to R. I wish she would give him the respect he deserves and forget about my H. If she were truly "alone", I would get it. But she isn't. If I were her H, my heart would be breaking, watching her pine for my H like she's doing...


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 416 | Registered: May 2014
Trying2LoveAgain
Member
Member # 43024
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, August 28th (Thursday)

I have read that most men who have an A, have no intentions of ever leaving their wives. (Men affair down anyway), but most women having A's do so planning to leave their husbands! My H AP was still trying to get him to resume the A after it had been over for 10 years! (Yeah, unfortunately the bitch was still around...see my profile story for more details).

These OW seem to think if they offer our H's a F*&#@ in any form, they'll just jump at it!!!??? Okay....whatever.....


Me:BS
Him:FWH
2 DS:35 & 30 , 2 D Grandchildren
"Oh the webs we weave, when first we practice to deceive"....My WH quotes this often.
I found out about H's affair 25 yrs later.Mine is my own "Life is a journey, travel with Care."

Posts: 234 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: New Mexico
determinata
Member
Member # 42124
Default  Posted: 11:14 PM, August 28th (Thursday)

I'm sorry you are going through this. His employer needs to block email coming from her IP addy and/or her email address. Get an attorney to draw up a cease and desist letter and have her served. It's time for her to scram.

On a side note, I hope so badly that your DS is getting help for his abusive behavior towards his GF. It's not okay and it's time for him to break the cycle.


M 2007. DDay 2008
~10+ CL Prostitutes in 8 months
Divorcing SAWH "ActionsOverWords"
Me: Early 30s BW (also an adult OC) w Baby DS

6 years of TT, hidden STD & false R
Separated 5 mos+; he will not commit
Someday I will be okay


Posts: 288 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, August 29th (Friday)

Trying2LoveAgain, I did read your profile. My goodness. I'm sorry for all you have been through. Plus, OW was apiece of work - still is it seems.

What your OW and mine have in common is that they were both married and still pursued their AP, who ended it with them and went back to their wives.

I have concluded that people like that must be pretty empty inside - hollow - to have such utter disregard for other people's feelings.

If a WS chooses - with no one putting a gun to their head - to go back to their spouse - that should speak volumes. Especially if they maintain NC. That is essentially saying, "Not only is it over, but there is nothing - nothing more I have to say to you." But they still harass and pursue and try to tear families apart. They imagine it was true love, and that they now have lost their soul mate. But at best, what they had was an escape - a secret life, a fantasy world they could escape to. And I admit that fantasies can be pretty exciting. But I wonder if they'd really be happy with our spouses if they had them 24/7. If, instead of getting them ONLY when they are hot and horny, they see them when they come home from work grumpy after a long day, or they have to deal with them when they are sick. Or how they think they could juggle a family or a full-time job day-in-and-day- out and still give them and receive from them all the attention and passion they experienced during the A.

OW admits there was nothing more than sex and talk of sex during their LTA. Is that enough to build a life or a real relationship on? I don't think so. But maybe I'm the clueless one? Just wondering here...

Determinata, thanks for thinking about my son. I worry about him every day.


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 416 | Registered: May 2014
hopefull77
Member
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, August 29th (Friday)

Needsfriends
The AP divorced her H early on in the A...he had a MOMENT of panic.....the REAL panic set in when I found his phone and saw a few emails.....
she really thought they had a future...a future based on lies???
My future is not based on lies.....what does that make MY future???
My future is based on faith and forgiveness
AND acceptance ....


me-BS
him-WS
3 adult children 1D 2S
married-1977
LTA 09-2010 - 11-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful
"Let Go of Control; Let God's Life Flow" ...Richard Rohr



Posts: 556 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
needfriendshere
Member
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, August 30th (Saturday)

Hopeful77, it makes your future one based on reality with a foundation that is solid.

My H's OW banished her H to another state (she's rich and could do that) but did not divorce him. I think she was waiting for my H to leave me first. Which makes me crazy when I think of it. What in the heck kind of marriage do they have? If your S banished you to another state to carry on an A, wouldn't YOU file for D?

These relationships which are based on lies and deceit are also full of so much darkness and unsettling details - I hate with all my being that our marriage has been plunged into this 7th layer of hell.

Faith, forgiveness, and acceptance, as well as the firm belief in the seriousness of vows and promises made before God and witnesses, is what my M is based on and is why I am here.

Hope you are having a good one!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 416 | Registered: May 2014
Topic Posts: 26