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User Topic: Do we ever feel like we are special to our bs ever again?
RSEB
Member
Member # 34728
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, August 28th (Thursday)

I do not post hardly ever anymore...but I read EVERY day. I am a FWW who had a 6 year LTA. Dday was almost five years ago. I have been NC since dday and have read the books, done years of IC and managed to get my BH to MC when I used to be able to talk him into going.
I have read SO many threads lately posted by the BS and how they dont see us (the WS) as "special" any more...my BH STILL says that to me. He has taken the route of trying to bury my LTA as far down as he can. I have tried to help him but I have learned that I cannot force him to heal. So have any of you fellow WS ever felt truly special again to your BS? I just wish more then anything that I knew a way to make my betrayed BH happy "


ME - FWW


Posts: 281 | Registered: Feb 2012
heartbroken0903
Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, August 28th (Thursday)

I feel special to mine. He is choosing to marry me again; I can't think of a way to feel more special.

However, I have been in a kind of years-long plane (plain?) of flatness where I feel like....nothing is really special anymore when it comes to relationships. Having the affair, D-day, divorce, XH's rebound with xBFF, etc. all have served to show me that everyone is replaceable.

I'm glad we're getting remarried because I want to have children with him and it's necessary for that. But as far as the "special" aspect? I can take or leave it.

Used to be that being special...the MOST special...in a relationship was the most important thing in the world. I'm nothing like I used to be.


Me: XWS, 30s, 5-month EA/PA in '09-'10
Husband: XBS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Remarried.


Posts: 2244 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
StartingFreshNow
Member
Member # 44224
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, August 28th (Thursday)

My BH tells me he needs me and wants me. I don't feel I deserve this at all, but he does it and I do feel special from it. Last night I asked him to hold me because I was having a bad day and he did in the most perfect way I could have asked for. Yes, he makes me feel special.

However, there are definitely moments where all I feel like is a piece of ****. It's the good times that keep me going, that's for sure.


Me: WW
2 young kids
DDay - Dec 2013 (EA), TT
DDay 2 - Jul 28, 2014 (PA), TT
DDay 3 - end of Aug/beg of Sep 2014
(All the same A)

Posts: 316 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: USA
Sal1995
Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, August 28th (Thursday)

A spouse's affair sends some unfortunate messages to the BS:

- You are expendable.

- I'm not exclusive to you.

- You are dull.

- You are substandard as a man/woman, and as a lover.

- You are replaceable, either completely or in certain aspects - such as intimacy.

- We should date other people...or at least I should date other people and you should be none the wiser.

- My love for you is conditional and depends largely on the way you make me feel at a given moment.

Regaining specialness after that isn't easy, if it's possible at all. I know my wife is struggling with this at the moment. No words of wisdom, just wanted you to know that there are many on both sides of this who are struggling. Best wishes.


Me (BS)-45, WW-43
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1461 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
underrepair
New Member
Member # 44690
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, August 28th (Thursday)

BS here -- hope it's ok if I reply… Sal1995 makes many good points. Yet I also think it depends on the relationship and on the situation. We are 8 years into recovery after a 10-year LTA. Time and perspective help a lot. My WS will never be as special to me as when we married, but 10 years of deception is still hard to wrap my head around. I am not sure I have really forgiven or that I trust 100 percent (or that I ever will). But we still have a close relationship and a lot of good times together. It might never be the same and it might never be as special, but the relationship is intact and we are generally happy.


I am the BS
10 year LTA, in recovery for 7 yrs
married 27 years
3 kids

Posts: 27 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: USA
Ghostrider
Member
Member # 32604
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, August 28th (Thursday)

It's been 3yrs for us. My WW feels the same way. She wonders why I never say "I Love You". She's noticed that my birthday and Mother's Day cards to her are more about her accomplishments and not my Love for her. We talked 3hrs about this earlier this week. It's one of the unintended consequences of her actions. I don't really believe in Love. I asked her why she cared? She'd told me many times she loved me as she left the house to meet her OM's. It bothers her that I don't view her as special, makes insecure at times, but it's something she'll have to come to terms with. I have.

I don't feel special. I realize that I'm replaceable to her by someone she barely knows. I've come to terms.

I've told her that I think she's a better person now. More self-aware. But if she came to me tomorrow and told me it's over, I'd move on. I enjoy our time together today. But I don't plan far in the future. I have no illusions of forever.


BH (me), WW (her), 2 boys

"You will never be the same. You accept it. You will never have closure. There is no such a word as closure. Closure does not exist. Life is different. Now you get to choose what you're going to do with it."


Posts: 435 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: United States
apathetic1
Member
Member # 44446
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, August 28th (Thursday)

^^^. What GhostRider said.

Special was our wedding day.
Special was our vows.
Special was our honeymoon.
Special was our time together while we were being cheated on.

Special is a spouse who remains true to their vows.

Special with a cheater is gone, and never will be again. The blinders are off.


BW - me 40's
WS - him 40's

How does that quote go "fail me once...shame on" ... oh who cares. Once is too many we had vows!!


Posts: 62 | Registered: Aug 2014
canwerebuild
New Member
Member # 44388
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, August 28th (Thursday)

Why be with someone that you don't consider special?


ME (40s): WS
Her (40s): BS
Together: 20 years
DD: 7/16/14; TT - 8/4/14
“The world breaks everyone and after many become stronger at the broken places."

Posts: 30 | Registered: Aug 2014
Lark
Member
Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, August 28th (Thursday)

Why be with someone that you don't consider special?

I asked my husband that many times. Why do WS stay with their BS during As? I don't understand. (I don't mean this as a snark, and I know this isn't the place to ask those questions since there's a thread, just wanted to echo that I feel the same and feel the same confusion).

I'm still pretty raw post-dday, and I do feel my husband is special, especially when I see him wrestle with himself and work hard. However, like Sal1995 and apathetic posted, the A has really destroyed any surety I had that we were rocksolid and has really made me feel that in his eyes, I am not special. I am stable. I'm a great mom. I'm even a great wife. I'm not special though. One of the crappiest things he said was I asked him how he viewed me during the A, and he responded "I don't know. You were just.... there."


“It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” - Dumbledore

Posts: 777 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
tl502
Member
Member # 42607
Default  Posted: 11:57 PM, August 28th (Thursday)

My love for you is conditional and depends largely on the way you make me feel at a given moment.

This is how I felt for so long. I guess I still do to some degree. My h doesn't mean for me to feel this way. It's just the nature of the beast. It's hard to feel special after betrayal.


Married 30 yrs.
dd1 9/10/2011 ea/pa
DD2 3/25/2013 same ow, never stopped email and phone contact.
Putting the past behind us and moving forward together

Posts: 313 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: tl502
underrepair
New Member
Member # 44690
Default  Posted: 12:18 AM, August 29th (Friday)

Why be with someone that you don't consider special?

Why secretly cheat on -- and stay with -- someone who is supposed to be "special" to you?

I think both questions are pretty complicated. Nothing's black and white.


I am the BS
10 year LTA, in recovery for 7 yrs
married 27 years
3 kids

Posts: 27 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: USA
jb3199
Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 12:48 AM, August 29th (Friday)

Why be with someone that you don't consider special?

Because, unfortunately, for many of us, that *specialness* has been removed from our existence...in current or future relationships. That innocence and blind faith that we had are forever gone.

I don't want to get into too big of any generalizations here, but this is the case for many of us. And while I am certain that many have reconciled to a point of having that special feeling rekindled, I doubt that this is the majority. Too much trauma has been inflicted.

Infidelity is a life changing event. I never would have thought that I could be so decimated, but that was because my WW was that *special* to me. And if the most important person in my life could do this, how do I put her back in that category that was solely reserved for only us?


BH-47
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2077 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
saturnpatrick
Member
Member # 35989
Default  Posted: 12:57 AM, August 29th (Friday)

JB nailed it.

Its not that spouse is no longer special. Its that special no longer exists.

ETA:
In the past I never thought once of what I would do if our M failed. It was special to me because I 'knew' that we would make it. I built my life around her.

Now, I run mental drills on what I will do if M fails. I've built my life since the A around having a safety net in case it fails. If she cheated now, I am so ready to just walk away. Supposing I met someone new after, I would do the same thing with that person also.

[This message edited by saturnpatrick at 1:02 AM, August 29th (Friday)]


BH
I typo therefore I edit.

Posts: 197 | Registered: Jun 2012
SparrowSoul
Member
Member # 44223
Default  Posted: 1:36 AM, August 29th (Friday)

Its not that spouse is no longer special. Its that special no longer exists.

ETA:
In the past I never thought once of what I would do if our M failed. It was special to me because I 'knew' that we would make it. I built my life around her.

Now, I run mental drills on what I will do if M fails. I've built my life since the A around having a safety net in case it fails. If she cheated now, I am so ready to just walk away. Supposing I met someone new after, I would do the same thing with that person also.

What SaturnPatrick said. At this point, I don't think I can ever get "special" back. It's largely about self-defense, anymore.

Believing in "special" is what led me to ignore my gut about my WBF's A. Believing in "special" let me think that this one was really different. Believing in "special" let me think that he actually valued me enough to do what was right.

I don't believe in "special" anymore. I believe in taking care of myself if/when he shows me, that one last time, that he doesn't believe in "special," either.


Me: BGF, 29
Him: WBF, 35 (RMarred)
D-Day: 7/5/2014, seared into my memory like a brand.

"Dum spiro, spero." - "While I breathe, I hope."
The cure to all of life's problems is salt water; Sweat, tears, or the Sea.


Posts: 131 | Registered: Jul 2014
standinghere
Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 3:10 AM, August 29th (Friday)

My WS is, was, and always will be special to me.

Me, on the others hand...I've been shown what this is like, had my face rubbed in it, been in fear that I was going to lose my family, felt the agony of a spouse betraying me, watched her come in after taking the kids to meet him, and known I had done nothing wrong and nothing to deserve it, and screamed alone in my car on the way to work while slamming my hands into the steering wheel why I shout "why, why, why" over and over.

- You are expendable.

- I'm not exclusive to you.

- You are dull.

- You are substandard as a man/woman, and as a lover.

- You are replaceable, either completely or in certain aspects - such as intimacy.

- We should date other people...or at least I should date other people and you should be none the wiser.

- My love for you is conditional and depends largely on the way you make me feel at a given moment.

Do I feel special now? Yes.

But it is the specialness that has that all behind it.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 1020 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
Ghostrider
Member
Member # 32604
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, August 29th (Friday)

JB and Saturn captured my thoughts.

I won't find special again. Not with her or anyone else. It's been nuked. But maybe "special" never existed. It was my illusion.

I'm cool being with her. We have fun. She's a good mother. But I see her more as a girlfriend. If it ends, I'll move on.

I'm not angry at her. I've chosen to stay.


BH (me), WW (her), 2 boys

"You will never be the same. You accept it. You will never have closure. There is no such a word as closure. Closure does not exist. Life is different. Now you get to choose what you're going to do with it."


Posts: 435 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: United States
Melian40
Member
Member # 41205
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, August 29th (Friday)

I think that not feeling special and not fully trusting is a baggage many of us will carry for the rest of our lives.

There is a saying:"If someone burns his tongue from eating soup, they will blow the yogurt"


BW-me:40
BH-him:41
DD-age 9
Together 7 years, married 17 years
DD1:8/12/2013 -OW1-PA 1.5 months in 2009
DD2:8/17/2013 - OW2-EA Spring 2013- He tried to hit on her but she denied.

"You can't fix a broken man, but he can break you"


Posts: 210 | Registered: Nov 2013
seethelight
Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, August 29th (Friday)

I don't feel special to my wayward spouse.

He had an affair. That made me feel very unspecial.

If he feels that I no longer feel he is special, he has to realize that he caused me to feel that way not I.

I think it sounds as if you are turning the tables on your spouse and claiming victim status.

[This message edited by seethelight at 3:02 PM, August 29th (Friday)]


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1441 | Registered: May 2014
seethelight
Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, August 29th (Friday)

Why be with someone that you don't consider special?

Why cheat on someone that you chose as your mate, and would choose over an affair partner on dday?


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1441 | Registered: May 2014
seethelight
Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, August 29th (Friday)

ETA:
In the past I never thought once of what I would do if our M failed. It was special to me because I 'knew' that we would make it. I built my life around her.

SaturnPatrick:

That's on target for me, too.

In my mind, my husband and our marriage was special because, I thought we had a great marriage and we were not a cheating statistic.

Now we are just another cheating disaster statistic.

We can't put that genie back in the bottle.


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1441 | Registered: May 2014
RippedSoul
Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, August 29th (Friday)

I, as the BS, don't feel special. I believe my SLAWH thinks I am now, but I've been robbed of my innocence, my trust, and my "status" as beloved wife. Those are unlikely to ever come back. Sal was so, so, so spot on with that list he posted.

My WH, however, is still special to me. His aura may be tarnished, my faith in him has been almost irreparably damaged, but my love for him hasn't diminished one iota.

I took him back; he should feel special. I've forgiven him; he should feel special. I've been gentle--for the most part; he should feel special. I've declared my undying love for him; he should feel special. I'm considered quite the catch by his peer group; he should feel special. I'm beautiful and intelligent and fit and committed and accepting and talented and hard-working; he should feel special. I took what he dished out, crawled back up out of the depths of hell, expressed my sorrow and anger in ways that didn't destroy him, healed my own self (he's concentrating--in large part--on his devasatating addiction), and still adore him. He should feel special.

If he doesn't, it's because of his own demons. Every day--even if he doesn't feel special--he knows I think he is.


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 462 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
BlueBlueEyes
Member
Member # 43949
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, August 29th (Friday)

Things that were special are tainted because of things shared with AP. I don't feel special either. I feel like the booby prize, the one who stayed when the AP bailed. Ok, more like I blew that up, but still feel like the loser. He confided in her, lied about me to her, texted her when he hates to text, made time to see her and then never looked back once I found out. He did all that and felt nothing for her? It blows my mind. How do I know what he really feels for me. I love him, he's special to me but I really feel the need to protect myself.

[This message edited by BlueBlueEyes at 9:29 PM, August 29th (Friday)]


BW - 49
WH - 50
Married 30 years
Beautiful Son, Daughter and 2 Grandsons.

OW - multiple, just found out about ALL of them, Husband coming out of years of fog due to multiple childhood and military events.

Hopeful but cautious


Posts: 194 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Texas
5454real
Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, August 29th (Friday)

RSEB, thank you for leaving this topic open.

Gotta be honest, sometimes I feel like a lone voice in the wilderness. I love this site. It has given me so many tools to deal with this situation. However, sometimes, I felt it fell short though.

I've used almost every tool here in one way shape or form. I'm a huge advocate of the 180. I learned the difference between regret and remorse. I've learned what to look for in a successful R and what false R looks like.

What I didn't see was the solution to the situation you and so many others have so eloquently and painfully described. It is here though. Written between the lines as it were.

Maybe it's because I've been burned so many times by so many different women, but I've always known I would survive. I always walked and moved on. This time I stayed. I give all the credit to this site.

Her actions don't and won't define me. I do that. My choices, my actions. Hers define her. If I choose to R(which I have), I get to choose how it looks. She gets to choose if that's what she wants also. Thing is, I won't *settle* anymore. I hold her a hell of a lot more accountable for her actions. I expect her to do the same. The goal is an exceptional marriage. Something I didn't expect before.

*Special*? Yes, I will treat her as if she is special. She is my wife. I expect the same in return. Why would I want less? What's the *Golden Rule*? Marriage is 100/100 right? Otherwise, what's the point?

No, it's not *easy*. God, I'm scared. Could it happen again? Well, I *know* it can. She(and the others) have amply shown me that it could. I refuse to live in fear. I will put as much as I can into this M so that, maybe, just maybe, we will get to extraordinary. Obviously, that includes treating each other as special.

Burned again? Maybe. Sometimes, hell, most times, great rewards require great risk.

Personally, I'm going for the brass ring.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3022 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
watersofavalon
Member
Member # 37984
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, August 30th (Saturday)

H and I were special to each other. We were our first serious relationship. We have been together since I was 17 and H was 20. We grew together, we learned togther, we built our lives together, we had children together and helped them grow. We were able to be happy, excited and comfortably bored together. It was special.

He decided that I wasn't special enough anymore (well that's how I interpret it - he disagrees). What was really sad was that I was feeling the same but if either of us had stepped back, done some thinking, realised the value of what we had built, we could have stopped the disaster in it's tracks.

What IS special is that we are rebuilding. He is special to me at least in part BECAUSE he effed up and we are fixing it. Slowly fixing it. You value what you nearly lose and what you have to fight for.

Fingers crossed anyway!


Me - BW 49
H - 52
T 31 years
M 21 years

3 children from 11 to 17.

EA with coworker for 6m maybe longer. She was 25!!
Dday 26/6/2012.

Reconciling. Hard work isn't it?

Getting there!


Posts: 94 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: UK
MC_Jack
Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, August 31st (Sunday)

Hey there-

BS perepective.

I feel special. However, not really because of M or WW.
I do not think she is special to me. There are so many women out there who are smarter, sexier, kinder, healthier emotionally, etc. Plus they didn't treat me as a POS. She is special because she is a mother.
I think she feels special, in part because I stayed and we have worked on the M.
I think she feels I am special, but as said above, is that really a function of her feelings for today.

The M relationship is better now overall.

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 9:12 AM, August 31st (Sunday)]


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" because I like the Music City. I did know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 883 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Mountain West
redsox13
Member
Member # 43391
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, August 31st (Sunday)

What SAL1995 said.

Really, the question isn't if the WW feels special to the BS, is it?

The central question in R is whether we BS have ever been special to our WS?

I have my doubts that I will ever believe that to be true. Certainly the idea that there is something special and unique may be gone forever.


BS - 45
WW - 43
In R for 5 years, still hurting but finally letting go

Posts: 275 | Registered: May 2014 | From: nh
KatieG
Member
Member # 41222
Default  Posted: 1:11 AM, September 1st (Monday)

Certainly the idea that there is something special and unique may be gone forever

BS here. This to me says how I feel, that is what I have lost and am mourning - for both of us. But there is a positive to that - I see my view before as deluded and romantic and now I am awake. Sad at first, but now its better.

Some words from a close friend stung early on and still ring in my ears "you think you're special but you're not" - they sound cruel at first - but its true. I feel special and my WBF is special to me - we are together and choose to be, but that moment may pass and we are not special anymore - its a moving target. So I will never take my WBF for granted again.


DD#1 - 6th Oct 13 - TT
DD#2 - 9th Nov 13 - Full disclosure
DD#3 - 12th May 14 - FOG lifted and in R
7 week A, 2 weeks together, rest phone and email - PA and EA

Posts: 492 | Registered: Nov 2013
seethelight
Member
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, September 2nd (Tuesday)

I took what he dished out, crawled back up out of the depths of hell, expressed my sorrow and anger in ways that didn't destroy him, healed my own self (he's concentrating--in large part--on his devasatating addiction), and still adore him. He should feel special.
\
Excellent point. Just the fact that the BS is willing to work on the now tainted marriage should make the WS feel special.

That and the fact that the BS felt the the WS was special enough to remain faithful to from the get go.

Still, to protect themselves the BS has to now keep their eyes open, in order to protect themselves.

Even psychologists say that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

So remaining in a relationship with someone who has shown the capacity to be very hurtful to their spouse, is a very frightening prospect, for most of the BSs, even the ones that may be in denial about that.

Have the WSs changed, It's difficult to know for sure.

And, perhaps we will not know for sure, until our lives are over.

I am sure that all of the BSs here had the opportunity to cheat.

I did, many times, I turned it down because I could NEVER hurt my spouse that way. I loved him too much.

Apparently, though, he did not love me enough to ever stop to consider the pain his affair would cause, if he was caught.


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1441 | Registered: May 2014
Topic Posts: 28