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Support for BS in Limbo

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dailysurrender posted 11/16/2014 10:09 AM

WH told me this morning that he loved me and that I mattered to him. Now I need someone to help me out with my thinking because the moment he said that I realized that no, he did not love me when it mattered the most. Because had he loved me it would have mattered more than ever when he was faced with the temptation of betraying our wedding vows or sleeping with OW.

I have been reading a lot of posts in the reconciliation forum, & I just don't think I want to be dealing with this year after year after year. I believe I would much rather cut my losses and wipe my slate clean. I hate to admit it as much as I really love my husband, I am starting to realize that my healing will probably only be after I make the decision to leave. Anyone else experience the same feelings?

a little background on me - we have been married for 11 years, two children boy and girl 9 and 11. He cheated during a deployment overseas two years ago. However, he only recently confessed the beginning of October this year.

krsplat posted 11/23/2014 17:46 PM

I have been reading a lot of posts in the reconciliation forum, & I just don't think I want to be dealing with this year after year after year. I believe I would much rather cut my losses and wipe my slate clean. I hate to admit it as much as I really love my husband, I am starting to realize that my healing will probably only be after I make the decision to leave. Anyone else experience the same feelings?

I think I responded to this same post in Reconciliation, but yes, I do. Almost word for word. I proposed today that my WH and I convert our post-nup into an actual separation agreement, and start the clock ticking. (In the great state of VA, you have to be separated for an entire year before you can file for D. Thanks, legislature!) And the reason I did so is that, like you, I don't feel like I will make any real emotional progress until I shed the baggage (WH) that is keeping me mired.

WH keeps saying that he's changed, and that he's sorry, and that he loves me now. But he said those words for all the years that he was betraying me and destroying our M, and now they don't mean anything any more. The fact is that his "love" leaves room for betrayal and lies and f*ing other women in my bed. And that kind of love, I can live without.

krsplat posted 11/23/2014 17:57 PM

Can I ask you all a personal question? I keep wondering if I am normal or not.

Is there sex in limbo?

For us, there was a period of intensive activity, referred to on these boards as "hysterical bonding." I recognize now that I was trying to compete for his attention, that I blamed myself for his A, and I guess I thought I could f* him into loving me again.

Now I recognize how pathetic and self-destructive that impulse was, and the pendulum has swung entirely the other way. When he hugs or kisses me, I tense up, or start sobbing. It is such a sad reminder of those years when I thought he loved me, and feels hollow now that I know he touched so many others in exactly the same way. On the occasions when I have felt so needy that I actually considered sex, the mind movies became overwhelming and I ended up sobbing and lonely and hurt.

I keep reading about others who are in limbo and have sex despite feeling angry or hurt or indifferent. How, exactly, does one accomplish that without feeling like you sold your soul for an orgasm?

PollyA posted 11/24/2014 09:18 AM

Krcsplt,

I miss sex sopopppp much, but I'm with you. I didn't even get the Hysterical Bonding part!

In addition to the mind pictures, I worry about disease. He gave me chlamydia which was easy to cure. He says now he "gets" all that, but if I would get another disease from him, I'd freak out.

I don't feel emotionally close. When we can be emotionally intimate, I'm going to feel more open to physical intimacy.

In the meantime, I can take care of an orgasm without him!

[This message edited by PollyA at 11:11 AM, November 24th (Monday)]

intheblinkofaney posted 11/25/2014 08:09 AM

Im in Limbo... it sucks

I am a wife split in two. Hate on one side , Longing to work it out on the other.

Which side will win ??

[This message edited by intheblinkofaney at 8:12 AM, November 25th (Tuesday)]

franklymydear posted 11/28/2014 14:25 PM

Blink. I am there too. The love hate dichotomy is an odd one for me. I'm sure many of us are very confused by it.

Some days I am sure I don't want it, others I do. It's a crazy train.

WH told me this morning that he loved me and that I mattered to him. Now I need someone to help me out with my thinking because the moment he said that I realized that no, he did not love me when it mattered the most. Because had he loved me it would have mattered more than ever when he was faced with the temptation of betraying our wedding vows or sleeping with OW.

This resonates with me so much. I think this way 100% of the time. I want R so badly too. If you don't, that is insanely understandable.My most recent discovery about myself after having some time and space to think is me realizing that we both messed up R. I have been nothing but angry and accusing for 14 weeks (this is coming from me.) I literally knock down every kind thing he says. I won't allow him to comfort me. When he does, I dismiss it completely and tell him why the supportive things he is saying can't possibly be true. I reject his comfort and love. Yes, he has screwed up in trying to R, but I am finally realizing that I have never given R a chance at all. Knocking someone down every time they try and being unreceptive isn't trying.Then, I accuse him of not trying, when he has many, many times. Looking back, I have always been that way. I always need to be right about everything. I have almost always knocked him down that way. I perplex myself I feel bad as well. I think that if you truly want R, you have to be receptive, and I have not been. Not wanting to stay in that is so understandable though. I get your feelings, because I waffle back and forth these days. Sometimes, we just can't get over that.

I wonder how many others have done the same thing that I have done.

Does anyone here have a supportive, remorseful WS?
After having this week to ponder that, I think I do way more so than I knew. He has done some crappy things, but I have also completely rejected him.I was blind to any efforts he made because I am still early on and have been so wrapped up in me, I have ignored and dismissed what he has done.I have a reason why everything he says and does is a lie and not good enough. He has NC, none. He hates the OW now. I have gotten the total truth, no holds barred. He often tries/tried to comfort me when I was feeling bad, but I always reject him, always. I get mad and flood at him, then he gets mad and defensive. Bad pattern. I haven't been invested enough to R or to allow him the chance to R. Is it all my fault? Hell no! But I am seeing my part in our R issues.

[This message edited by franklymydear at 2:40 PM, November 28th (Friday)]

HoldOnHope posted 12/3/2014 15:30 PM

I keep reading about others who are in limbo and have sex despite feeling angry or hurt or indifferent. How, exactly, does one accomplish that without feeling like you sold your soul for an orgasm?

krsplat- normal or not, I'm right there with you. We went through about 2 months of hysterical bonding and talked about our sex lives A LOT. But, like franklymydear, I then quickly put up a wall and I do not allow my remorseful husband to help me through my pain and dispair. WH and I are no longer emotionally or physically close on ANY level. The few times in the past 14 months that I have wanted to have sex I begin to have the mind movies and that is a enough of a turn-off. When I make it past the mind movies and inform him I want to have sex, half the time I begin crying as soon as he touches me (the few sporadic times I have initiated sex are the only times I let him touch me). And for those 2-3 times I have been able to supress my emotions enough to forge ahead with sex... I don't enjoy it because all I think about while we are having sex is how much he has hurt me even though he "loves me very much." I have always felt disgusted after sex with him since DDay.

I ordered my first vibrater about 2 weeks after Dday. Best decision I have ever made

ThatGirl2 posted 12/4/2014 14:11 PM

What can a truly remorseful W do to help? My BS is in limbo...he drinks too much, and we are drifting further apart - emotionally and physically. I have done and will continue to do anything and everything he asks of me. He refuses IC or MC - I go to IC. I ask him how I can help, to please let me help, but he has no other suggestions than what he has already given. He acknowledges I've done what he asks, but it just doesn't have the expected outcome, and that the problem is his to deal with. I would truly appreciate any words of wisdom. On a regular basis, I apologize for my terrible, hurtful choices and the pain I've caused him, and I express my gratitude for giving me and us another chance. I'm completely transparent, I've confessed to my parents and children. We are almost 5 years in R. My EA/PA was 15 years ago.

Thank you.

[This message edited by ThatGirl2 at 2:14 PM, December 4th (Thursday)]

intheblinkofaney posted 12/14/2014 19:39 PM

Limbo to wanting to reconcile in the blink of an eye.

I have not felt wanting to D in weeks so I guess that is something.

Though last night I was in a bad spot again.

Then today was better, then I read something on SI and spiraled for a moment.

geeze

Skittlebug234 posted 1/11/2015 19:04 PM

I don't know if I'm considered in limbo or what. I have a bunch of evidence that my H has or is cheating. He gave flimsy excuses while putting in some effort to connect and fix our relationship. I never said outright that I didn't believe him but I dont. I continue to find stuff that I just keep to myself. I will add that I'm 8 mos pg and we have 2 small kids. So I'm definitely not doing anything rash right now. I can't. But how can I live like this? How can I distract myself from the pain? I'm trying to focus on my kids, family and friends but I feel like I'm living in a nightmare. Please help. Yes I'm seeing a therapist and going to insist that he see his own too (Mc was a joke. He was not open at all )

crazyblindsided posted 1/12/2015 13:19 PM

I am definitely in Limbo! I'm glad I found this thread!

Trivial posted 1/13/2015 20:07 PM

So, here's where I am. Very quick history: My husband has sworn that he never had a PA, even though he actively went out looking for one over a 6 month period. Flirty messaging, going out to bars, going to house parties where there was a lot of drinking with a new, younger set of friends. But he swore that my confrontation stopped everything before it got to that point. I wasn't ready to believe him, not entirely, so I went to the doctor and got tested for STDs, just to be on the safe side. I tested postive for HPV. My primary doctor said HPV was a tricky virus that could hang out dormant for many years, so it was not proof of a physical affair. My husband again vehemently denied any kind of physical encounter happened. Then I had to go to the gynocologist for a colopscopy, because my pap was abnormal. The gynocologist told me that it was very, very unlikely that the virus was hanging out dormant for 20 years. Her opinion was that I had been exposed to it within the last year.
If I tell him what she said, he will deny it.
I have no proof of anything else. He can't prove a negative. It will accomplish nothing.
So I have not told him what the gynocologist said.
I am 80% sure he did have a PA. I have this big, gloppy ball of distrust in my stomach, and I do not know what to do with it. He has plausible deniability. And 20% of me reminds me I could be wrong.
So I'm stuck with a suspicion I can't make go away and don't want to tell him about.

Skittlebug234 posted 1/14/2015 11:18 AM

Trivial I am in a similar boat where I have lots of suspicions and red flags but I have kept them to myself bc he has lied about the ones that I have presented. It sucks and is eating away at me. Why don't you just Call his bluff and say that the dr found in the lab that it was transmitted only recently?

Skittlebug234 posted 1/14/2015 11:18 AM

Trivial I am in a similar boat where I have lots of suspicions and red flags but I have kept them to myself bc he has lied about the ones that I have presented. It sucks and is eating away at me. Why don't you just Call his bluff and say that the dr found in the lab that it was transmitted only recently?

Skittlebug234 posted 1/14/2015 11:18 AM

Trivial I am in a similar boat where I have lots of suspicions and red flags but I have kept them to myself bc he has lied about the ones that I have presented. It sucks and is eating away at me. Why don't you just Call his bluff and say that the dr found in the lab that it was transmitted only recently?

pinebarreness posted 1/15/2015 16:07 PM

Skittlebug, I am in your camp, too.. In my case it is a 'different' STD my husband 'suddenly' broke out in that 'could be' dormant for years, blah blah blah, but in 7 years of us being together, I don't have it.... at least not as of the week of his breakout when I immediately got tested. There are other - many - red flags that make it just about impossible for me to believe he didn't recently acquire this. Yet I cannot prove anything. I feel very distrustful and stuck.. I'd call it limbo. Oh, and, for the first time in my life, sex feels like an awful thing I could do without the rest of my life, thanks... :( Hell I could do without marriage the rest of my life.. yes I feel very bitter, right now! Limbo stinks.

Merida posted 1/20/2015 03:51 AM

I have this big, gloppy ball of distrust in my stomach, and I do not know what to do with it.

this is why we are in limbo

I also am beginning to understand why divorce spikes at 2 years when I am only one year out and I hear from WS that he's tired of me talking about the A constantly

I didn't chose to be on the goddam roller coaster

I am trying my best to get off and talking through my fears calmly helps. I have thanked him for his presence and his helping me... and then all that I thought it was progress spirals away into appearing nothing more than a cover-up and a lie and him hiding his resentment until just now...

So I question if he really cares or is he just trying to do the bare minimum in hopes I will rug-sweep?

I am not living for long in this mental prison.

I was hoping to see WS show me that he cares about helping me heal...ugh all he sees are his failures and he's fucking up again and then he goes off on a tantrum

so on the one hand I get that he hates being reminded of his horrible actions and lousy choices and he doesn't want to face the uncomfortable self-hatred mess that is his head right now... I get it, I wouldn't wish that on anybody. But that's what he chose to do. So thumb-sucking and temper tantrums are not going to give him better communication skills and help us heal.

So limbo is the struggle to not close the door to hope that change is possible while really not seeing much... some days like today I question if we've even made baby steps progressing out of the fog/blame-shifting


ugh = limbo

crazyblindsided posted 1/21/2015 16:11 PM

It's hard to be reciprocal when WH is acting loving towards me. I'm not sure what I am doing. My WH wants to work on M but we already tried that (we were in False R for 2 years). I feel like a robot most days with him. Mirroring back whatever he is showing me but not feeling the same way. I used to love my WH very much he threw away my gift of R. Now he wants it after all this time. I think not, but I continue on. I know eventually I will be unable to do this I am just wondering when.

Jrazz posted 1/21/2015 16:16 PM

While this doesn't address the relationship aspect, I ALWAYS feel better about Limbo when I turn my energy to me. It's like exercise for the soul. It's hard to get motivated, but when you get started you just feel better and things brighten. Reading, art projects, small trips to visit friends... these things really bring you back to the main point - living your life well.

Take small steps to doing things that bring meaning into your life. No matter what side of R/D you are considering, letting the marital relationship be secondary to the relationship you have with yourself is instrumental in getting to a path that feels right for you.

(((Limbo Folks)))

ADryHeat posted 1/25/2015 19:51 PM

Count me in.

We just passed our 11 year anniversary. His affair went from September (when they started working together and struck up a flirty "friendship") to the beginning of November when I caught him and he ended it. It was short lived and basically purely sexual..though obv flirting and texting led to the PA, for him it was about the sex and nothing else but escaping reality.

I'm totally emotionally destroyed. I feel used and empty and hurt and betrayed. We went into MC because I wanted him to snap out of the fog (it was "my fault" he cheated Bc blah blah blah) and honestly I wanted him to suffer through being told he fucked up. Three moths later we are still in MC once a week. I haven't figured out if I'm interested in forgiving. Part if me says one major fuck up in 11 yrs (+7 yrs dating) is something I can probably some day move past. Another part says I can never forgive.

I know limbo is common this early. I know I need to give myself time. But this sucks and hurts so so so bad. 😣

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