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Support for BS in Limbo

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opal posted 2/18/2015 16:16 PM

Readytorun, I can relate. When I found out about the EA I was willing to R, then i found out it was a PA, my first reaction was get to hell out. I said that was something I would never put up with. He has been very remorseful, reads everything and anything I give him towards R and applies it. I keep thinking I am not being true to myself and my beliefs. And the what ifs are so hard to get out of my head.

ReadyToRun posted 2/18/2015 17:26 PM

Opal, I feel like such a hypocrite by staying. I've made it clear to friends, family etc... that infidelity is a deal breaker, and by trying to reconcile I feel the few people who know can't take me seriously. I feel like I don't a have a leg to stand on. However, I keep trying to remind myself it's no ones business but mine and my husband. It's not as black or white as I had imagined it would be.

[This message edited by ReadyToRun at 5:27 PM, February 18th (Wednesday)]

Jrazz posted 2/18/2015 18:28 PM

You have hit on really important points. What is key here is to look at this as growth rather than being untrue to yourselves.

Before we experience something, we have this idea of how we would react of behave. Suffering infidelity is one of many life situations that you can't really predict the fallout until it actually happens.

Remember, you get as much time as you need to sort through this. You don't have to make any big decisions to stay. Like RTR said, it's nobody's business but your own and your choices and feelings are what really matters.

Use this as an impetus to learn about yourself and your needs - to see past your relationships and circumstances and listen to your heart. Right now it's pretty broken, but as time passes and you build up your strength things will become more clear.

(((BS in Limbo)))

crazyblindsided posted 3/11/2015 15:43 PM

My limbo is leaning towards D daily. I am going to start planning my exit as I just cannot shake the feeling of indifference.

SilverStar posted 3/20/2015 08:31 AM

I've posted in S/D and R forums since D-day, but here is where I belong. 4 months out. WH is in a lot of IC, 3-4 hours a week. IC for me, 1 x/week. I quit MC after 3 sessions due to his lack of transparency and refusal to go NC.

He says he doesn't want D. He changed all his passwords and won't be transparent and keeps going to counseling with two very good counselors. I believe he and his out-of-town AP are still in contact, but I've stopped caring. I have removed myself from the love triangle through 180 and having him move into the guest room.

Perhaps through working on himself he will want to R for real and take the necessary actions. Perhaps through working on myself, I will or I won't give a shit.


Merida posted 4/17/2015 08:35 AM

oh man I so get why divorce rates go up in year two

shock and denial are mostly worn off

anger has potentially created more scars instead of been a healthy release to the pain and a WS self-defensiveness, TT, minimizing, blameshifting, all that BS mess in a confrontation as in

LACKING HUMILITY to put my fire out is not helpful

OMG I just have to vent WH said the dumbest thing when I asked him if he was willing to work to understand how business is done... no, just a flat out "no".

So in essence he says $2000/mo CSE garnishment (not re-directed as properly needs to be done to the principal responsible) is simply a consequence of his behavior.

So I say, "fine than let's agree that another consequence is you pay $5000/mo alimony."

"Oh so I live in a gutter than?"

"What?" (mind you, the house is paid for so no dumbass you could continue to live here)

"The children can just visit me in the gutter."

"uh no, the children will not be exposed to that kind of lifestyle should you choose to move to live in the gutter, but you can choose to visit us whenever you want."

See it's this kind of WTF? kind of conversation nonsense that I am so tired of at this point. So I am supposed to be happy he refuses to properly set up his accounts and conduct himself lawfully?

I am so struggling with establishing healthy boundaries because I don't want to fight... but man, I do not have an ally in this relationship

IMO I am dealing with a boundary busting emotional temper tantrum-ing child and I am so just "go to your room" mentality at this time

how do I justify breaking a kids' heart? They don't see him like I do? I know he is just reacting out of frustration, but seriously - a woe is me response as self-defense remark? What is that saying other than I judge I have no value, I don't love myself so feel sorry for me?

well duh - you fucked a CL whore who catfished your sorry ass and now you are telling me you are not wanting to fight to protect the marriage - you just want to run away

I so get limbo these days because I am struggling to be loving in the face of disrespect

Hawke posted 4/21/2015 16:40 PM

Well, I just posted with the title "Limbo" in the general page, so I guess I belong here. I'm a fresh BS, having just found out 9 days ago. My spouse has agreed to NC, sent a NC note and we are both getting individual counselling with a view to getting relationship counselling when we feel ready.

I guess I am leaning toward reconciliation if it's possible, but I don't know if it will be. My thoughts and emotions are very volatile these days. One moment, I'll be hoping for reconciliation and the next I'll ask myself why I want to stay with someone who is such a stupid ass. One minute, I want to share a joke with him and then I remember that he deceived me and my mood flattens.

In the meantime, my parents are arriving today for a visit, we have to get ready for our daughter's first birthday this weekend and I don't want to tell anyone what's going on, so we have to act like the perfect couple.

crushedinpa posted 4/22/2015 09:22 AM

This is me/us "In Limbo". D.Day was almost 3 mos. ago. I keep saying we take one step forward and 5 steps back. And I tell WH he picks and chooses when he wants to work hard at fixing us. He has messed up big 3 times since d.day (Non A related) and it is too much to post here what he did, but basically lack of concern for my feelings, and a flat out lie about where he was. (golfing instead of working) last week. I go between loving and hating him. I am unsure which side is going to prevail. He has stopped drinking. He is going to IC and MC. MC says if he doesn't stop messing up during R he will have to find a different counselor bc MC can't help him if he continues to knowingly or unknowingly keep destroying our marriage. So here we are "In Limbo".

[This message edited by crushedinpa at 9:23 AM, April 22nd (Wednesday)]

Gooblish posted 5/22/2015 15:42 PM

Like everyone here I'm stuck and am dying slowly inside. I read so much that I relate to but it worries me that for many of you the Limbo goes on and on. I won't survive that. I'm hanging in but don't feel I can do it for long.
WH has an ongoing EA. No transparency and variable remorse. He says wants R so we started MC but he quit saying it was too painful. The counsellor was digging into why he let an internet friendship become an EA. Especially after a previous PA. Counsellor said he was "needy", had issues with his parents D and Dads PA. All true but it wasn't what he wanted to hear, so he gave up.
I'm continuing IC in the hope I can get some clarity but counsellor sent me off to the doctor for antidepressants as I do get suicidal.
How do you get through this.

Angeyanc posted 5/28/2015 21:05 PM

Every post here touches a place in my questioning my R, I'm stuck like everyone else in this limbo s*** situation. Except my WH is pushing me to call off our D, I said hell no until I get my post-nuptial in place that should protect me and my kids in the event he cheats as it's going to have a infedlity clause. I've told him I'm not calling off crap until I see something that gives me hope.

So this is what I've got so far:
Tracker on cell phones (mine too).
No errands ran without bringing a kid in tow.
A post- nuptial with infedelity clause giving me 70% of our home, plus he pays mortgage till youngest graduates.
IC for both as well as MC for as long as it takes.
Full transparency about his day.
Adding me to his company checking which I wasn't privy to prior to A.
Weekly date night.

Here's the question though? Is it enough to get over it? I'm lost he wants to get on with our lives and start anew.

I'm just not sure I'm built to forgive...strong willed and a hell of a moral compass.

Gooblish posted 5/30/2015 12:56 PM

Angeyanc I think the fact he has allowed you to put all this in place shows his commitment to R.
Is yours as strong?
It has to be an equal partnership if you are ever to make it work. There has to be enough love to get you through.
You will never forget, you may never forgive but if you can accept and work together you may escape limbo with your M intact.

[This message edited by Gooblish at 2:44 PM, June 3rd (Wednesday)]

NoNameNoFace posted 5/31/2015 04:31 AM

I too have no idea where I stand since discovering his PA a few days ago.

He does not want to be with OW. I've even told him he could tell his family/friends that I dumped him and he can introduce her later, and no one would know the truth. He weeps he weeps..

He has set up MC for I forgot when, is begging me to go with him. I've stopped reading the books and things, and he talks to me about what he's read in them. Where he went wrong, and so on.

This week I will see a lawyer to just know my options, regarding D vs annulment. It's my hope to go with a friend, the onliest other person who knows my situation, to help me vocalize everything as the lawyers do not speak English. My friend is a "friend of the marriage" though and I don't know if she would want to come but I'm hoping. I will see her later today.

Sigh.

Gooblish posted 5/31/2015 11:04 AM

Don't rush to make a decision. You can take time, though I agree advice on your options would be sensible and if a friend can support you so much the better. I wish I had a friend that I could turn to. I just have you people.
Right now it is all very fresh for you and the feelings are raw. Take care of yourself and dig as much as you need to find the truth. Then once you have all the facts, you can decide what is best for you.
Til then lots of hugs

NoNameNoFace posted 6/5/2015 12:16 PM

First MC session today. Nothing of what we're going through now was discussed, WH talked sooo much with so much dang backstory to the minutest detail. To try to justify himself I'm sure. I really don't know what the heck this is going to solve considering that we're meeting again in 15 days. Like, really?

He apologized for being horrible to me this week, pressuring me to do this and that (go to a concert, hang out with friends who will visit us soon, be around some family, etc). It has been a terrible week.

I'm afraid of getting close to him. He's reading and seems to understand but then blows up here and there for no good reason. Tomorrow will make 1 exact month from DDay.

HurtingLikeHell posted 7/1/2015 22:10 PM

I'm stuck in this limbo $h&* but not quite the same as many of the posts I have read here.

Quick back story. My WH is a (maybe) recovering drug addict, probably narcissitic, and a pathological liar. May 31st he was on a meth high and left his cell phone in my locked car on accident. He seemed really desperate to get it back, so I grabbed it and D-day began like a fricken atomic bomb. He went to rehab for a week, came home, and we tried to R. It was a false R. First he denied everything, then TT only when presented with evidence, had me close his secret e-mail account, then reactivated it, which I later discovered. He never tells the same version of any story he gives.

He has no job right now and he is a felon, which makes it VERY difficult for him to find one. Right now he lives in our garage out back. He comes in the house to shower, eat, hang out occasionally, and to watch our DD when I have to work. His parents have said he can stay with them, but he refuses.

I believe he is trying to stick around to (1) try to keep an eye on my activities and (2) to keep himself in my life as much as possible for fear that if he leaves I will be more likely to move on.

I am in limbo because part of me believes that there is always hope that we can work it out eventually, but each day I lean more and more to D. I am finding it hard to decided what I want out of this when he is constantly just therein my face not allowing me to process my own feelings about the whole damn situation.

JeSuisBroken posted 7/13/2015 09:09 AM

This is where I firmly lie. I am humiliated beyond belief that I married someone who was already having an EA (probably PA, he "slept over", in her bed, but nothing happened, yeah right)

He's adamant about R. Me? Not so much. He never even asked me if I wanted to work things out, he just assumed, which was pretty stupid of him. He told me he decided before his EA that cheating was no longer a deal breaker for him, so he went ahead and did it, basically giving himself permission.

My emotions are all over the place. I go from anger to sadness. He really ruined me as a person. I have spent the better part of the past year trying to come up with reasons not to kill myself and so far, my daughter is the only one.

My feelings for him also bounce around. I go from hatred to indifference. Never love. There is nothing I love about him anymore, because I only see that he's a cheater and nothing else really matters.

I think it seems obvious to outsiders that I should just leave, but I'm stuck in depression which makes inaction the easiest thing. We're not working it out, we're not together, but we're not separated. He's falling all over himself to fix something that is beyond broken. But he's just doing things like washing dishes and doing laundry. He doesn't understand thAt that shows me nothing. He thinks I should be impressed with that stupid shit, but it really makes 0 difference to me if the dishes are done, since they're not mine (I don't eat much anymore) and neither is the laundry (I don't even bathe, I'm not changing my clothes)

So here I sit, on this fence, looking at both sides. The grass is gone on one side, and I can't even make out what's on the other.

soconfusednow posted 7/16/2015 16:57 PM

I should have posted in general moved it there

[This message edited by soconfusednow at 5:27 PM, July 16th (Thursday)]

BrokenInside1116 posted 8/10/2015 18:50 PM

I'm kind of new here. I feel so alone with my thoughts and feelings. I hope I'm posting in the right place.

After being cheated on (2x) and told he no longer loves you, he put our spring wedding on pause while he figures out what he wants........a future with me or not

Did anyone else spend sleepless nights wondering how to make him love you again?

I'm not sure if I should wait for him to decide, or move on with my life

[This message edited by BrokenInside1116 at 6:51 PM, August 10th (Monday)]

Opinionsplease posted 8/17/2015 06:39 AM

I've been hanging around in General but I think I'll move here. Limbo is really my issue now. I've broken off with WBF and refuse to commit to a "relationship" with him as such, but find I can't let go. He is fully remorseful, but god it took 4 months of TT to get there and he lied for 1 1/2 years previous to it. For me it's the lies that I just can't assimilate. I also can't assimilate his use of OLD site, which revolts me, to pick up his AP 2 days after I left on holiday.

WS is a kind person who in addition to showing he could be a lying bastard has also proven his capacity for self-analysis and change. I believe he could and will change. I just don't know if I can really ever get over this. I don't know if I want the kind of unequal relationship this would have to be, forever (I say unequal because the rules could never be the same for both of us from now on). I don't want the attacks of doubt, needing to check, feeling horrible if he spends time with female friends, constant vigilance. It really isn't me.

I asked in a thread on general if people thought limbo was longer after betrayal. Why does it tend to go on for so long? If betrayal was a dealbreaker for so many of us, why can we then not decide? You come to a situation which is less black & white than you thought, sure - but I think there is more to it. For me it's something about the fact that the wrecking of the relationship was done by him - I can't feel responsible for it. So it's like you're trying to fix something that you didn't do and just can't believe happened. You can't assimilate it. If you discover problems between both of you over time, it's different. You slowly assimilate them. But the shock of this, it's like rubbish floating in space that you can't find anywhere to put.

I'm blabbing on so let me stop.

letdownandlonely posted 8/18/2015 07:47 AM

Oh BrokenInside bless you. So sorry you are here.
You can't fix them, you can't make them love you. You can only fix you.
The work is for them to do, you can't make them, only their actions are a true reflection of whether they get it or not. Words mean nothing.

Take care of yourself, eat sleep and hydrate as best you can. Read the healing library in the yellow link box top of the page left hand side. The 180 is to help you come through this as strong as possible.

It isn't your fault, you haven't made him have an affair, that's all on him.

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