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Support for BS in Limbo

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Chepelink posted 8/7/2017 04:05 AM

This is just terrible, being in limbo is the worst. The worst part is that at the beginning she wanted to R, now she is wondering if she still loves me and I warmed up at the idea of R.

One piece of advice, never, ever go for long distance relationship that is over a year, max two. It completely sucks for both parties and if you can't come back to solve the A, you will suffer a lot.

IceThee posted 8/31/2017 17:12 PM

Well, hello fellow limbo'ers... I guess this is where I find myself now. WH wanted R (for less than a week???) now flip-flopping around unsure of what he wants...

The good thing is that I am getting stronger through each wave. Though it's awful I am also able to say what needs to be said better- and not get emotional as much when talking with WH. I wish there was a thorough rule book for each WH...!

Anyway. So there it is. I'm waiting but moving forward as far as taking care of myself and getting help as I need it, to be stronger and healthier. Regardless of what happens, I will need that.

Hang in there friends...

[This message edited by IceThee at 5:13 PM, August 31st (Thursday)]

crazyblindsided posted 8/31/2017 18:02 PM

I've been in Limbo for nearly six years. SIX YEARS. I don't even know what to say about it. I originally tried to R, then I started to get my ducks in a row for D, and now Limbo...well, I've been in Limbo for quite a while. I thought that taking some time to finish my degree, find a job (my first in 10 years), and go to IC would eventually provide me with clarity. Nope. So here I sit, waiting for...I'm not even sure.

Oh how I can relate to this. I was in R, False R, Limbo, separated, R, and now limbo again. I think this will end when I end it.

IceThee posted 9/2/2017 17:22 PM

I still don't know what I want. Except to not be miserable anymore. I have fought every day for this M and WH, but he's convinced I'm the problem or our M is, or whatever... when he's not clear-minded he runs to his parents who seem to encourage him that I'm the issue and so on... but when he's thinking better he doesn't know why he confides in them... sigh and also a big loud scream!!!! Frustrating and painful...

IceThee posted 9/2/2017 17:25 PM

This is just terrible, being in limbo is the worst. The worst part is that at the beginning she wanted to R, now she is wondering if she still loves me and I warmed up at the idea of R.

I'm so sorry you're going through this Chepelink... all I can say is take good care of yourself, and know you're not alone. My WH is confused/blind too so I can understand the pain :(

IceThee posted 9/11/2017 09:27 AM

I seem to be a "thread killer" lately but oh well 😊 Will keep posting anyway

My WH has been going back and forth between "I want to reconcile" and "I'm not sure". Changed his mind 5 times in 2 weeks... exhausting to me and abusive to my emotions. What I am learning is when he is "not sure" I go NC with him. What are your thoughts on this? I do this because as many say the 180 is to show what they are/will miss and empower and I see the NC as this also in this situation.

Do you think I am misinterpreting the NC idea?

Jewel44 posted 10/2/2017 15:45 PM

I'm 4 months post DDay 1 and 3 months DDay 2 and we are separated in the same house. I do feel trapped financially. But I'm coming out of the shock part. I'm planning my exit. It is hard living in the same house. Emotionally for me because I thought he loved and adored me. So adjusting my heart is hard when seeing him all the time. But this what he's done...can't live with it.

Freebygrace posted 10/4/2017 20:53 PM

Jewel,
Good for you. Get your exit plan together. I rode the limbo fence way too long. I agree that distance would make it all easier. It's just so hard.

Jewel44 posted 10/4/2017 22:26 PM

Freebygrace thanks so much This is rough stuff. Is it normal to go back and forth? One day so sure and the next so scared to move forward? Wondering how to keep strong..

LetItBeMan09 posted 10/5/2017 19:42 PM

Trying R but it's hard. So many mixed emotions and feelings. I don't look at her the same and don't think I ever will. I don't think I can stay in a relationship like that but I also can't see myself leaving my young children. I almost wish that she will leave so that it takes the decision out of my hands and alliviates me of guilt. I know it will be extremely hard to heal the scars and love again (either my WW or another) so that also terrifies me. I really am trying at R. I am respecting her boundaries by not shaming or name calling, I am saying positive things about her when I notice them, but nothing feels genuine anymore with us. Definitely the "built on a lie" feeling. I just wish there were more good people out there and that i had married one instead of the walking pile of lies and deceit that I did.

Deepsixed posted 10/6/2017 07:19 AM

I cant seem to break out of limbo. Been about a year since DDay. WS doing all the right things but i dont seem to care. Dont know how to break the cycle and decide. 1DS (10) and know if we D he will be devastated. Should i stay for him? Limbo sucks. Shame on WS for putting us here.

MadOldBat posted 10/7/2017 05:35 AM

No deepsix

Should i stay for him?

Of course, our children are one of the many reasons why we actually do stay in Limbo - but there is no "should".

Icethee

What I am learning is when he is "not sure" I go NC with him. What are your thoughts on this? I do this because as many say the 180 is to show what they are/will miss and empower and I see the NC as this also in this situation.

The 180 as I understand it - is for you.
It is to help you detach from the maelstrom of infidelity, and to focus on you, and what it is that you want from a relationship partner?
it's all about cutting the emotional strings in order to gather your strength and step away from a manipulative situation.
Here is a link that explains it better.
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/text.forums.asp?tid598080&ap1#message7776840

I hope this helps.
Hugs and strength to all of us.
MOB x

Superesse posted 10/7/2017 12:03 PM

frigidfire86, don't feel alone in Limbo here, I've been in Limbo for 15 years! I did the same steps as you, but over a much longer time. First there is the trying to R and counseling. Then, when you realize that isn't happening, since the WS isn't doing the work, you begin to see yourself as needing an exit plan, even while the WS is content to drift along broken, year after year.

Getting back in the working world often means getting a degree. The next 5 or 6 years, I took classes to complete a bachelors; didn't seem to be the right time to divorce. I hadn't worked for money since 1999 when I started building our nest egg by renovating 2 fixer uppers (my career had been in construction).

After graduating with a degree in a new field (psychology), I had to address the backlog of unfinished home renovations. It is hard to sell half-finished houses, and I didn't want to lose all the sweat equity I'd already invested (years of my life). They needed to be done before I got tied up with graduate school or a job.

And there went the next 2 years of my life. WS paid for and I executed major home improvements. Just as I was getting freed up and feeling better about my years spent in Limbo, D-Day 2 hit. Last year, I saw a career counselor for months, spinning wheels trying out ideas that could help me restart my life at age 65 and allow me to keep my home on Social Security if/when we divorce.

The fear of financial loss is what has kept me on the fence this whole time. And it isn't getting any easier to consider, as I reach my senior years.

So, that's how time flies by. I'm still drifting. There may be more reasons for my staying this long in Limbo, but I haven't figured them all out. Perhaps we are just waiting on the WS to finally "get it" or be the person we had hoped they would/could be? I keep being told to stop waiting.

Whatthe2 posted 10/17/2017 07:06 AM

Iíve realized something in the past few days since joining this site. I canít say Iím officially in limbo. I actually feel as if I ďwasĒ in limbo and slowly moving in some sort of a direction. I found out about her A in February 2017. After confronting her the BS began. It hasnít stopped until I stopped asking questions and began to focus on myself. Iíve tried to stop looking at things emotionally and tried to use my head. I joined this site, not sure if it would help. It has tremendously. The support Iíve received has been something that has helped me see my part in all of this and what I must do. Also to challenge myself. Iíve continued to look to her for support and to help me heal. I continued to do that until she made it abundantly clear that we needed to move forward, not dwell in the past. Which is just her way of sweeping this under the rug and not accepting responsibility for her choices and not doing anything to help me heal and feel safe. She has attended IC and if that helps her great. She needs it. I also attend IC and itís helped me deal with the day to day pain, but not whatís causing that pain. After the support Iíve received here and some great reading material (suggested here) Iíve realized that Iíve co created this relationship. I did not deserve what happened, but Iíve allowed the BS to continue with no consequences for her and most importantly I sacrificed who I was and my integrity and self respect. Iíve tried to R, but it only works when the wayward partner is truly remorseful and wants things to work and even then itís no guarantee it will work. The only thing good that has come out of this is Iíve been forced to look at myself and address whatís wrong with me. What Iíve found isnít pretty, but Iíve found out that Iím worth respect, love, honesty and I will no longer settle because itís easier than being alone or fear of how it effects our two beautiful children.

Superesse posted 10/19/2017 22:49 PM

A little update from one Limbo Lady: Divorce Care isn't for us, while we stay stuck in Limbo. Did you know that? I didn't know that, until tonight, when my local group told me not to come back for the next start up for Fall. Ouch. I liked going.

I just posted about this over in the D/S forum under "Divorce Care."

I thought anyone else who is going through Limbo might want to know that this could be our sorry lot.

Apparently if you live under the same roof with your 'STBX' or whatever you call them, and you have been roomies for years, Divorce Care is still not for you. I was told they checked with their leadership and they have guidelines about this.

So I should have kept my mouth shut or told them some story? They say you don't have to speak, just listen. I got so much from going to Divorce Care, too, especially the videos.

Besides SI (yea!) where do you find support? I can't afford $150 a week for a counselor to tell me to hang on any longer. 15 years of this is a lot of my life.

anon03 posted 10/23/2017 18:08 PM

I went from fully committed to limbo today. I was pregnant when I decided to stay and made it work for our son and the feel gs I had. He gets mad when I get upset because he feels I should be over it by now because I chose to stay. Found out results today and 99.9% oc is his. He didn't ask if I'm ok, didn't console me, didn't do anything except lay on the couch and tell me he ate something bad earlier and doesn't feel good. Yes, I knew the oc could be his but all hope went away with that teeny tiny piece of paper. Shattered my heart and my world yet again. He thinks I'm overreacting because I already knew it was a possibility. Can't I be upset that hope is gone. shouldn't he put his own feelings aside to make sure I'm ok? shouldn't he reassure me it will still be ok? Nope, I get nothing. How would I leave with a mortgage and a child too young to understand if I left? I don't have enough money on my own to give him what he needs. Why is the world, God, and ws so mean? Why couldn't theme results have been the opposite? Why couldn't she have an abortion when shed done it so many times before? now I'm stuck with ow and oc one way or another forever. My child has a brother and I had no say so. I want to scream and cry and run and have him hold me and lunch him. ugh!!!!

IceThee posted 10/23/2017 18:18 PM

The 180 as I understand it - is for you.
It is to help you detach from the maelstrom of infidelity, and to focus on you, and what it is that you want from a relationship partner?
it's all about cutting the emotional strings in order to gather your strength and step away from a manipulative situation.
Here is a link that explains it better.
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/text.forums.asp?tid598080&ap1#message7776840
I hope this helps.
Hugs and strength to all of us.
MOB x

Hi MadOldBat, thank you so much for your reply. I am sorry i didn't see it before now. I agree with what you said, that makes sense. Somehow in Ddays and near to that, we are in so much pain and agony, can't possibly think or process enough to decide on R or D or anything else. Blah.

Anyway, yes your reply helped, thank you :) Strength to you too dear.. (((MOB)))

[This message edited by IceThee at 6:18 PM, October 23rd (Monday)]

Newtwood posted 10/25/2017 13:52 PM

Hi Guys

I guess I am in limbo still and just never knew it. My story is in my profile for those who want to know it. I tried R and it worked for a little while. I've just never felt the same after all this time-after 9 years past D-day. I said I forgive him but the truth is I CAN'T. We just co-exist in the home. He says ILY ...I don't. I don't feel it. We don't sleep in the same room anymore and sex happens when it happens if ever. If it never happens I'm okay with it for myself-he isn't happy with that arrangement because he would like it every day. I'm happier at home when he is away and out of the home.

Our kids are grown but my older daughter lives with us she has severe depression, anxiety, and Asperger's. So I am still the stay-at-home-mom.

The "new" addiction for FWH is alcoholism. He has been in and out of rehab 3 times in the past 2 years.Recently lost his job over it and now struggling to find work and recover.

Why do I stay you may ask...hell if I know!Co-dependent-maybe. I guess because I don't know anything else. I went from HS to wife and mother. Like others have said it's a shitty excuse.

Anyway just putting this here to share.

madhattermarilyn posted 11/9/2017 03:41 AM

I can relate. I was a BS for a few years, kept in limbo not just by a WH but also lied to by every single friend of ours and the in laws. Even our marriage therapists tried to sugarcoat, say "I don't think he'd ever try to hurt you." Near the end I felt like a total fool, like everyone was rugsweeping in order to avoid hurting my feelings, like I'm a little child. I couldn't take it anymore and that's what led to my own physical affairs. Initially I didn't think I'd get anywhere other than basic flirtation, since the whole scenario with WH had drastically lowered my esteem, but the guys I pursued at the clubs were easier than I ever expected. I felt bad for a brief hour afterwards then she'd that like a snake sheds his skin, upon realizing it was probably nothing DH hadn't already done. The only thing I think I did further was actual intercourse but even that, I doubt WH would tell the truth about getting that. He already kept me in limbo for a few years so I have zero trust and am just biding my time in this business transaction marriage (he might feel our marriage is more than that, but I don't at this point).

[This message edited by madhattermarilyn at 3:41 AM, November 9th (Thursday)]

orchid2424 posted 11/10/2017 01:28 AM

I JUST discovered this board. Boy oh boy, is it for me!!

I found out about my husbands infidelity over a year and a half ago. We tried to find our way through it so I guess you could say we were in R. He hadn't faced any REAL consequences from his first infidelities. I believe this led him to re-offend during our R. When that happened, I told him he had to leave and I was filing for divorce. That was three months ago. . . so I am now "in limbo" as we are separated and theoretically, the ball is in MY court. I've been feeling bad, thinking that three months is too long -- I've already been given a somewhat ultimatum by him "either you take me back or let me go".

I'm trying to figure out how to proceed. Of course, the kids hang in the balance. I think to myself "if I leave, what will it do to the kids? If i stay, what will it do to the kids?"

My family asks me "what are you going to do"? His family asks "what are you going to do?" And I get somewhat criticized for not knowing WHAT to do. Ugh.

He is asking me "what do you want to see? what can I show you me so you will take me back?"

I don't know what the answer is . . . I don't know what I want to see. I was blindsided by a man who I NEVER thought would betray his family. All I ever wanted was someone to love, someone to build a life with, someone to commit to wholeheartedly. What I WANT hasn't changed, but i just question if its possibly to have it with him??? When the trust is sooooooo damaged, is it possible to come back from the brink.

Can a cheater be fixed?? Or is it "once a cheater, always a cheater"?

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