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Support for BS in Limbo

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HeatherM posted 3/14/2018 10:27 AM

Can anyone help me understand my situation? DDay was early December. Long term partner refused to end affair and carried it on under my nose - she was his soulmate. I had all their messages. After two months of hell he moved out and moved her (mostly) into a flat about a mile away from our home. It has been truly dreadful. I struggled with the 180, did the pick me dance and still do from time to time. What I find absolutely most awful is the lies. He tells me lies about everything. He lies about where he is, whether she is with him, what they are doing - pointless lies, it doesn't matter if they go to X or Y, why should it matter? It is the lies that are killing me. He has now said clearly that he has made a mistake. He initially said he had, then he thought he had, then he wasn't sure. I gave him a deadline and he says he is intending to come home. I really want to reconcile. I can see where things went wrong and feel that I can deal with this A differently (he did it before, twice, nearly a decade ago but nowhere near this seriously). I am not accepting blame but I can see that I was not perfect and I want to fix things. But I don't know whether to believe him that he is coming back. The deadline is in a few weeks. If he has made his decision why won't he just come home? I don't know if he doesn't know how to tell her (she is married and left her husband). I don't know if he is just saying this to play a game and be spiteful. I don't know if he has another motive, getting money together to try to buy me out of the house so he can move her in, stalling because I have been very clear that - this time (he has done this in all his previous relationships too) - I will make him own his infidelity. He has always got away with it before, never had to admit to anyone just lined someone up, left wife etc. then introduced AP as new girlfriend months later as a new relationship. I really want him to come home. I miss him. Yes, he has been a bad person but I think he realises this time that what he is searching for is inside him and that he must take his foot off the accelerator workwise so that he and we can have a life. But I am scared to believe him. His reason for not coming back yet is (having said he is going to and having talked about work we need to do to the house, talking about "when I come home", "once I come home" etc - all present tense - is "I am trying to convince myself everything will be ok once I come home". I have told him it won't be ok right away but that we need to work together and that he has to be transparent etc. But this seems to me not to be a definitive decision. The deadline is important - our anniversary. For me, if he is not back by then we are done. I just don't know if he is stalling. Anyone any ideas? I just want to get on with our recovery. I love him and I miss him. We have both contributed to our relationship not being perfect, each choosing different methods. I just want to try to move past this and in a better way than I did (not) before. But I am scared he is lying and still telling her that he loves her and making plans and that his indication that he has worked out that "the grass isn't always greener" is just lies. That said, he seems not to have seen her for about 4 days. Then I wonder has she dumped him and he is trying to get her back and will then bin me again? I am going mad in this limbo. Help!

DevastatedDee posted 3/14/2018 14:02 PM

Heather, I know it's not what you want to hear, but I would proceed as if you were divorcing and let him go. He doesn't value you like you deserve to be valued. He isn't treating you like he respects or loves you. I'm not saying that there's no hope, but I am saying that there's little to no hope if you keep letting him hang on like this. He won't respect you and the odds are good that he'll cheat again because he assumes you won't ever leave him.

Your best bet at happiness whether with him or without him is to proceed as if you're divorcing and be done right now.

HeatherM posted 3/22/2018 12:25 PM

DevastatedDee I hear you but I can't because we are not married. The only thing I can do is tell him I want to sell the house; he has to agree, though, so I have no cards at all. He has now said he wants to come home but has not made his decision yet. I am so lost. He seems to have backed off again. I wish there were some others who had responded. I could just really use with different insight. I asked the same thing of the WS but had very little response.

litost posted 4/6/2018 01:30 AM

Heather, it really seems like he needs to EARN your trust back. Right now you cannot verify anything, apparently.

Is he taking advantage of your hopefulness by walking all over you? I know the feeling of wanting someone back under any circumstance, but that has shades of codependency.

You deserve to have boundaries, and to gain his cooperation and honesty without a struggle.

I hope things are better for you now.

LearningToFly posted 4/9/2018 18:48 PM

I'm still in Limbo.

The affair was in 2011 to 2013. He claims he needed love, validation, and acceptance. this was while I was grieving the death of my brother, nephew and sister. Our kids were all heavy into drugs. And my oldest suffered a brain injury on the way to school I could hardly hold it all together when he turned to another woman.

Our marriage was never good. It turns out he is a sex addict. I didn't know that for the 33 years we were together. I just thought he wasn't interested in me because I was overweight. He was really good looking and quite charming. Women still come up and compliment him on his hair, his fitness, his charm, and his sweetness.

I feel too old to get a career now. (I'm 58) We have been married 33 years. I stayed home with the kids and work a 15 hour a week job now. I love this job and can see myself staying there into my 70s. Most of my peers the same age as me are looking to retire in the near future or are already retired. This is what keeps me feeling stuck. I am afraid to leave my marriage and start over financially.

The fact that he is a sex addict came out with our new counselor. He took three lie detector tests before passing. the counselor works with him and he has been "clean." But it isn't changing his attitude toward me. I am not allowed to "bring up the past." Everything is about him, his feelings, his thoughts, his heart, his hurts. I don't think the counselor knows this. He has been able to fool every other counselor we've had.

If I were talking to a friend, I would encourage them to go and not look back but I can't do it yet.

I did leave the home. I asked him to but all he did was pitch a tent in the backyard. I decided me leaving was better because we have an addict 22 y/o son who attacks me verbally and destroys the house. I feel so much more peace living in a room in someone else's home.

(At first I really wanted to reconcile because I believed that he was a good guy who made a selfish mistake. Now I am not sure who he is, what is real, or if he will ever be able to be there for me... in any area of our lives.

anon03 posted 4/14/2018 16:47 PM

Triggers...they are aweful. The stupidest thing triggers. What do you guys do to disassociate something with the affair to not trigger?

irwinr89 posted 4/19/2018 08:50 AM

Heather, don't be so sure when u say this " can see where things went wrong and feel that I can deal with this A differently (he did it before"
Rage and anger for what he has done to you are likely to show up in you a few months after u realize what u have taken back, this is almost guaranteed to happen

Tesoro321 posted 5/4/2018 12:54 PM

To anon03,

What do you guys do to disassociate something with the affair to not trigger?

Well, I've heard a strategy is to give a trigger either new or positive meaning. Idk what your trigger(s) are, but for example, if it's a song, deliberately do something enjoyable while listening to the song, or do something positive you can begin to associate the song with. It may take a few tries, but it is possible.

Mkr6684 posted 5/27/2018 06:38 AM

Hi all
I think its finally time for me to post here, as i have been unsure for quite a while (although still early days)
There are so many variables to my outcome.
Here is my background story:
I have been with my (1st) long long-term partner since 15 (it has been 18yrs now)
We have a nearly 3ry old girl and it has been 5 months since dday.
I received an annon letter to say that he is having an affair with a girl at work and shes PREGNANT.. and due early july
Unfortunately for me (as i would have preferred to keep it private) my mum picked it out of the letter box and gave it to me.
This has been extremely traumatic and so hard to deal with on so many levels and i feel totally overwhelmed and confused on what to do.
I have done a lot of research (so much reading it makes my head spin) on similar situations
So much talking about everything we just go round in circles. So much thinking it makes me feel like im going crazy. (Crazy for wanting to stay/ and to go as well)
I went to my gp asap to get std tested (positive for chlymidia) i am thankful only that.
I have done 2 sessions of ic and this week booking in for couples counceling, to gain knowledge on how to move forward together or separately.
I have told him i want hime to do ic as well he booked in but chickened out
I do feel emotionally clearer in someways but clouded in others.
I am hopeful for a positive outcome where we can move past this/ through this and still be together in the future and make things work but also so conflicted on whether i could/ would get over all the hurt and pain and lies and disrespect.
Thanks for this site to be able to get this off my chest

Deepstressed posted 7/2/2018 19:06 PM

I am in limbo right now. I just found out my husband has been cheating again to fulfill his swinger desires. It doesn't hurt as much knowing that it is just sexual, but it still hurts to feel rejected. I want to work things out but I don't know if he understands completely since this is the second time. It seems so conditional. He says he wants us to keep going if he sees things will get better, but he is the type to keep his feelings to himself, which led to this mess. I'm hopeful but I don't know if I could trust him to work with me on this.

Janeey posted 8/3/2018 01:08 AM

Hoping stuck in limbo is a place I belong. Sure hurts a lot. One day all is better, possibly start considering a starting point. Only to have the life of uncertainty, confusion,emotional turmoil and constant suspicions reemerge.

First real move I will make will be getting a post-nump signed in lieu of infidelity, or maybe getting legal advice first. I'm not sure which i should do first.
of course, id prefer for the marriage to recover. however, its constant combat or "okay".

I'm not sure if I'm in complete paranoia and suspicious mode, as I continue to think WS is having some type of relations (adding to the insecurity, rejection, arguments). Although, not confirmed.

feel stuck, in limbo hell.......

Emotionalhell posted 8/3/2018 04:22 AM

Iím here in limbo. I do find myself leaning towards leaving more and more. DS is raised. WH hasnít been doing the work I ask of him.

I thought we were doing better until I had a huge red flag. I just can not verify it. In some ways I do not care and donít have the energy to do the PI work. Iím just tired.
And of course I deserve more. I deserve someone with the same integrity as I do. Asking myself why Iím still here.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 8/12/2018 20:31 PM

Emotionalhell - I feel exactly the same way. WH started to do the work but go angry when I kept bringing things up. It's like he completely fails to grasp that breaking NC after I had told him I would not tolerate it "even" if it was "only friendly non-emotional talk at work" is devastating to me just as the PA was. How can someone be so obtuse? I mean he claims he knew that: 1) I would be very angry if I found out about him talking to her, 2) his pre-A contact with her started the same way, 3) that given any push from him the A would start again, and 4) he feels she is a toxic "poison" to his life. If you know all of those things, why do them??? I have given him a million chances to end things with me without involving her in the least.

My "huge red flag" was that after talking a few days in a row and expressing my need for him to tell me that he is fully 100% committed to trying to work things out or to let me go (my job situation pretty much gives us 0 time to decide this) that he gets angry and says a bunch of hurtful stuff that is totally contradictory (for example: "I'm not sure if I love you anymore" to 10 minutes later saying "I am 100% sure that I love you I am just afraid that this will never work") and a bunch of other garbage. His reaction to stress is to get angry and say/do things he does not necessarily want in the long run.

I am totally in limbo...although the longer this goes on the less I want to stay. I too am asking myself why am I still here at all when I deserve so much more than this crap?

Lawyerman posted 8/14/2018 12:09 PM

The joys of Limbo. Fellow sufferer here. Trying to do IHS until I get sorted financially and don't want to blow up the kid's lives. It's completely failing. I am going slowly insane and feeling ever more shut off from the world. WW won't stop trying to get me to commit to R. She says if I move out, she will too but she won't move out as long as I am here. Meh.

Some days I think there may be a glimmer of hope but those days are getting fewer. Today she told me a blatant lie about not being on a website. I know for a fact she logs into it most days.

It's just agony. Once you realise you are living with a covert Narc, it all falls into place. The lies, the manipulation, the cutting you off from the world because she constantly makes you choose her or them or it and god help you if you choose wrong. The loss of self. Feeling like you are the crazy one through gaslighting. The way she projects a completely different image to the outside world.

She keeps telling me what she deserves. All I know is that I don't deserve this.

[This message edited by Lawyerman at 12:13 PM, August 14th (Tuesday)]

crazyblindsided posted 8/14/2018 12:24 PM

She keeps telling me what she deserves.

Lawyerman my NPD WS is like this as well. has actually said that verbatim. He also constantly likes to remind everyone of all his 'good deeds' that make him such a 'good person.'

It takes all of me to prevent my eyes from rolling

I usually just look at him but he gets no response kind of like a 'that's nice' type of look.

That usually ends the conversation.

WhyAgainWhyHer posted 8/14/2018 12:32 PM

I'm in a limbo of my own creation. He's cheating and in a LTA and planning on moving her here when she can relocate. He has no idea that I know, and I stay quiet hoping their plans fall through. Its torture.

Lawyerman posted 8/15/2018 13:47 PM

That's no way to live. Can you see a way out? What are your reasons for staying with this person? Hoping a wayward who is getting away with it will stop through circumstance is no way to carry on. Sorry, I feel for you. I know the pain.

Are you feeling trapped financially? Kids? Co-dependent? Maybe the last one is worth looking at. I was and it's really hard to get out of. To detach.

PurpleHaze posted 8/15/2018 14:43 PM

As a fellow fence rider hit with a mind boggling LTA I will say that it is a very tough situation. I think of it for me as I am watching. No matter what, my commitment right now is to myself. Limbo is so hard on many levels. Although we do change our minds about R or D, I believe we do it because to commit to R totally would be a harmful decision. If we chose R, it means that we have seen enough commitment, hard work, and consistency from our WS. Even if we see those changes, it may not be enough to overcome what we have been through and thats ok. D is always an option, as is separation.
WhyHerAgain, I am certainly not the greatest for advice but I think what you are going through is unacceptable. Lawyerman gave some great suggestions to look at. I so get that there are many things that keep a BS in the relationship. I do hope you are in IC and have a support system. What you described is torture and you are worth so much more than that!

WhyAgainWhyHer posted 8/15/2018 15:15 PM

Lawyerman and Purplehaze, thank you both. There are no kids, and we are not married. I;m discovering I have some major codependency issues, and I just don;t know how to get past them. I'm also waiting it out to try and get more financially secure, since we aren't married he won't obligated to help me at all if/when we do split.

I think if she weren't in the picture (even from a distance) we would have a nice life together. But then I take the rose colored glasses off and remember that this is also been going on for years.

Lawyerman posted 8/15/2018 19:06 PM

Whyher, you know there would be another her huh? Sorry to say that. That's how these people are. You are so much better than that. I think IC would be great for you. Someone who can love as hard as you has a great future. You just need to cut out the crap and love yourself too.

Flush those rose colored specs and get some proper Raybans and a motorbike. What is YOUR life going forward? Focus on that.

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