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Long Term Affairs Part 38

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SI Staff posted 9/1/2017 09:49 AM

Here you go

needfriendshere posted 9/1/2017 10:39 AM

Thank you for re-opening our thread. You all rock!

I'm hoping my friends here have a peaceful, restful Labor Day weekend.

Ann, welcome to our thread. I could relate to your vent. I think most of us could. This is your safe place. Please know that. LTA's are brutal and are not easy to get over - even with the most remorseful spouses. Because they infringe on years of memories, involve tons of lies, and, all too often, there was an emotional involvement, as well as a physical one. BUT it does get easier with time. And in a weird way, I think a forgiven LTA wayward appreciates his or her S more than they ever did (or could) before they wandered.

By reading many of the threads on SI, I have learned that my H was typical of waywards - in his behavior, words, and feelings. But after 3 and 1/2 years of R, my H honestly treats me better now than he ever has. He thinks of the A years with nothing but shame and regret. And when he sees me smile now, it warms his heart - you can just see it. When he does anything to please me, it makes his day. He realizes what he could have lost - not just me, but our children and my family (who honestly love him) and he thanks God we're all still here by his side.

Sadly, trust will never be 100% restored and with an OW who won't let up and STD's that pop up every now and then, there will still be pain, anger, and sorrow. But a broken relationship is being repaired. It. Can. Happen. Hang in there!

northeasternarea posted 9/1/2017 15:19 PM

Ann, the best thing you can do is look at what he does, not what he says. This is a marathon, not a sprint. The anger is part of the process. We have to feel all the emotions. I still have good days and bad days.

[This message edited by northeasternarea at 3:23 PM, September 1st (Friday)]

BrokenheartedWif posted 9/1/2017 17:36 PM

Ann, the best thing you can do is look at what he does, not what he says. This is a marathon, not a sprint. The anger is part of the process. We have to feel all the emotions. I still have good days and bad days.

^^ ((Ann)) It is definitely an ultramarathon of healing with our without the WS.

donna3 posted 9/2/2017 13:15 PM

Ann, so much hurt, so much to heal. A truly remorseful H is the key. Like needfriendshere, I am also 3.5 years out and my H is doing all he can to make it up to me. The hurt is still there and breaks out into the open once in a while but for the most part we are doing well. Much,much better than in the years prior to the A when we were just existing, each with our own problems with the other. Now, we talk about things, make each other our first priority. My H has accepted that my true happiness will be long in the making but each day he hopes to give me something to smile about. It is a long hard road but you can get there. Hugs to you

Satine posted 9/2/2017 16:10 PM

Hi everyone, just popped over here on a referral from Just Found Out. Initial DDay was 4 days ago but just found out about LTA (18 months) last night. I am so sorry to hear everyone's stories on here, including Ann. I am so sorry for everyone's losses. Idk what else to say right now... I am getting support and doing all the right things for myself but it feels like a permanent knife has been stuck in my guts. Much love and peace to you all.

donna3 posted 9/3/2017 10:57 AM

Sorry you are here Satine but welcome to our little corner of hell. Make sure you read the healing library to the left and join us to vent whenever you need to. Right now you are still in shock and the reality of it all will settle in. Then you will really need SI. Take care of yourself. Hugs from all of us veterans.

Insearchofme posted 9/4/2017 07:55 AM

Satire sorry you are here. I think you are in the "this is not real stage" you sound so calm in your post. I am 15 months post DD from finding out about an 18 month LTA. I am so so sorry, I hope that you continue on with SI. It's very helpful in all of the feelings and emotions that you are/will be feeling.

Ann, I am encouraged on SI every time I come on here and read from these ladies and men that have walked the path ahead of me. Def as much as we all wish that stupid "time" would just hurry up and heal us already, I'm not sure if after such a trauma it will actually totally heal but it's getting better with a remorseful WH who tries constantly to see me smile again. Hang in there and know that these guys on here are always so helpful and full of wisdom. Wishing you peace today on this holiday weekend.

needfriendshere posted 9/4/2017 08:51 AM

(((Satine)))
Hoping you're doing ok today. We're here for you.

Satine posted 9/4/2017 10:03 AM

Thanks everyone. Your kindness brings me to tears. I am not doing okay today. My sister has been here with me this weekend but she has to leave today. I feel like I am going to disintegrate. My mind is furiously searching for every memory over the past 2 years (WS said A ended 6 months ago) and trying to find meaning from it. I have a young child. WS has been out of the house since Friday night. I can't stop thinking about all the things he and OW may have said to each other. What did they say about me? That I'm fat, ugly, cold, distant? What did they get each other for Christmas each year? Birthdays?

hopefull77 posted 9/4/2017 11:28 AM

Oh satine I am sorry you found this club...BUT this place is a God send!
My FWH had a 2+ year EA/PA...my mind was CONSUMED with all the secret life crap...their fake little world...
I have accepted that I will not know every conversation the 2 of them had...its infuriating knowing OW knew about me and my children's lives while I suspected NOTHING...
The dreaded "time" word is used here often...as is the term one foot in front of the other...
keep posting we are here and you are safe here as well....
peace

Insearchofme posted 9/4/2017 12:50 PM

Satine we are all here, keep writing. Hold your baby. Know that you will not know everything..blesssing? This had NOTHING to do with you. You are lovely, beautiful and amazing. What they did was SELFISH and CRUEL! Prepare yourself in the healing library. Journal. Writing helps. Keep your mind busy with other things, make yourself eat, drink water, pray if you believe. God is here in the mist of all of this night mare. That's how it feels. Hugs to you, you are not alone! Any other close friends that you can have be with you? Keep that in mind though about how many people know right now. You may wish later that certain people had not know so much.

Satine posted 9/4/2017 16:09 PM

Thank you everyone. I did read early on about being careful who I told. So far only my sister and two closest friends know and I will keep it that way. I trust them. For those that may have seen my other thread about living arrangements, I just decided to have WH come live here about an hour ago because the financial strain of him staying hotels, even cheap ones, was stressing me out. When he arrived, I requested to see his phone to make sure he kept NC and he got incredibly cagey, kept asking me what I was looking at, even though I asked him to keep our son in the other room. I did not see anything obvious like emails or texts so it's possible he kept NC. But, he could not get it out of my hands fast enough. So I know I missef something. But I refuse to talk about it in front of our son even though he keeps trying to. I told him we would talk about it when he goes down for a nap, which I am trying to get him down for now. While I was searching for messages on his phone I did come across an email from June 2016 where he had ordered her a book online and sent the message "My darling ***** [pet name], I can't wait to celebrate your birthday properly.". I showed it to him and told him he should have done a better job deleting everything. I am so crushed. Crushed into nothingness.
He seems to have so much anger towards me. There is no way we can R. He is a monster.

BrokenheartedWif posted 9/4/2017 18:31 PM

((Satine))

Currently his head is still most likely up his rectum and he has been breathing, exhaling and marinating in his own excrement and the lies, and justifications (there is never one that justifies Adultery, especially Long Term) etc.

I found it helpful to picture my SAWS with his own excrement coming out of every orifice of his head and that it was the impacted sticky type.

Keep reading and working on your healing. It's an ultramarathon. Remember you Didn't cause this, no matter what excrement he tries to throw your way to blame you for his selfish choices.

He had choices, he choose poorly and very selfishly.

Insearchofme posted 9/4/2017 20:25 PM

A lot of WH are angry and mean if they are still in the denial phase. And his reaction to the phone..go with your gut. He's hiding something. Of he has to be in the house he needs to be on the couch!

hopefull77 posted 9/4/2017 22:23 PM

Satine... even 4+ years out I question my FWH...just tonight we had our kids here for the holiday ...we made home made ice cream...I asked him did you ever make home made ice cream with OW? His answer...NO! Why ask? And then ANSWERS his own question...
and then apologizes to me for even having to ASK that question...
This is NOT where I saw my life...but it IS my life...
So how do I Move forward? Prayers...and a belief in something bigger than me....

Peace

needfriendshere posted 9/4/2017 23:38 PM

Satine,
Ugh! You are at a very difficult stage in all of this - it's what I call the discovery phase. Those first few months when you have a million unanswered questions and an H who is unwilling to answer them. In my case, I took it upon myself and checked credit card records. H had taken one of our accounts online with password protection. I demanded access to it and it gave me most of what I needed to know:
1.) How often he saw her
2.) The gifts he sent her
3.) The restaurants they ate at
4.) The plays they saw, as well as other entertainment he had paid for
I even was able to find - through taxi cab transactions - her exact address. And since she had recently purchased their love nest in the city he traveled to on "business", I could even see the previous real estate listing, showing the layout of the place room for room. And you know what? It wasn't enough. My mind still raced with the words he must have told her, the promises he made, the lies he told about us, and how he must have painted me as a person. Then lo and behold! OW took it upon herself to send me texts - hundreds of them - that answered almost all of those questions. And THAT wasn't enough either. Then I needed to know why - why H would betray me in so many ways. The answer to that question, I have still to figure out.

Satine, you will never know everything. And honestly? Sometimes less is better. There is so much I now wish to God I didn't know. Be kind to yourself as you uncover details. And if it's too much for you, stop. Look no more. Yeah. Eventually even I reached that point.

Now...as for your H's behavior with his phone....The rule in our house - especially during years 1 and 2 post Dday - was complete transparency. Without it, trust goes out the window. If your H wants to make your M work, he needs to be transparent, remorseful, open to your questions, patient, and understanding. Sadly, that often takes time. In the beginning it is not uncommon for the FWS to feel defensive and ashamed. And those feelings can sometimes be misinterpreted as anger. Toward us. As I said before, you are at the "ugh!" phase of all this and my heart goes out to you. Please feel free to vent, ask questions, express concerns. All of us have been where you are. And the good news is - we've survived. You will too. I send hugs.

steph posted 9/6/2017 21:20 PM

Having a bit of a hard time then again maybe not giving a shit. Maybe I'm just an extremely slow processor.

H asked me to help him with some technology this weekend. Our daughter in law was in the room and our family knows nothing so my responses were guarded. I do this for my family, not to protect him.

Anyway, I ask for a password and he says he forgot. Then he throws one out that is different than any he gave me when he was supposedly coming clean. I did make mention of it being different. Note to self was that he's still lying. Then when I got him into his docs he got all nasty and wanted to be left alone. Oh sure, he needed my help but didn't want me to see his stuff.

So, the next day when he wasn't home I got into his docs. It was clean until I dug into last Aug. sure enough there were pictures of him with her on vacation when I flew across the country to have a weekend with my daughter. He was supposed to be working.

I've been mad as hell. I knew about this, found other info from digging and learned about it in Feb but seeing those pictures hit home. They were riding segues. What the hell?

I confronted him last night, showed him the pictures. I said, now imagine you are me. I didn't need to say much more but I did.

He actually had remorse and said he's done some awful things to me. You think???

So this evening I just started crying. I think that's ok. A part of me is dealing with the transition of planning to leave him in July when I retire and another part of me is just done caring about it.

Sooner or later I'll be a widow. The next phase of my life I will be alone. I like myself, guess I'll be alone sooner than I thought I would be.

steph posted 9/6/2017 21:23 PM

Sorry, double post

[This message edited by steph at 9:26 PM, September 6th (Wednesday)]

donna3 posted 9/7/2017 02:35 AM

Oh steph. Seems that there are always things they won't tell us unless we dig it out first. I constantly asked my H during the first two years after dday if there was anything else I needed to know about and his answer was always no. And yet I kept finding out things, some of which he lied about when I asked him directly. To this day I am positive there are things I should have been told but he has not. I've almost gotten to the point that I just don't care. For so long I was obsessed with the details but I really try to remember that I will just never know all the little things that went on between them. I am just tired of thinking about it.

Satine, you have a long climb ahead of you. But your WH needs to step up and help you thru this. If he does not then you will figure out your course of action sooner than later. The journey to healing is a long one but you will come out the other side. Almost 4 years here and I still have the occasional blow up. But they are getting weaker and farther in between..

We are here when you need some comfort. It is helpful to know that you are not alone in this awful mess

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