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Lost and frustrated

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twisted posted 9/13/2017 14:15 PM

I'd be blowing this up with that group of friends. Who was left there and decided to leave them alone, and what was her condition at the time? Is the guy married? What kind of friend screws another friends wife? Where I come from, that's likely to get you beat to a pulp or worse.
I'm not buying her story, she remembers all the little bits, and she needs to come clean, like right now.

ISurvived7734 posted 9/13/2017 15:14 PM

Your wife is a serial cheater and they usually don't stop cheating. It's a drug they need. It doesn't seem as though you really mind all that much - what are you looking for from us?

Sainyads posted 9/13/2017 15:32 PM

Really? Mind? We have 4 kids and I work my arse off to support my family. They are everything to me and I love my wife and my life Is in bits. It is taking everything I have not to go smash this bloke in with a crow bar. Of course I bloody mind. I just don't know why I am not getting upset emotionally. Is it a sign I don't care enough and should walk away?

GoingCrazyNow posted 9/13/2017 16:18 PM

Definitely don't go smash him, your kids need at least one sane parent. I felt the same way as you, wanted to KILL my wifes AP - and that landed me in a looney bin for a 24 hour visit.

I have 3 kids, so I know how you feel. You might start thinking about life without her, because life with her will be a living hell for you. I know it sounds impossible right now, but after 5-6 months you will feel better about yourself. I know I can't ever go back to my WW, because quite frankly I am greedy and do not share things- especially my wife.

mezlabor posted 9/13/2017 17:00 PM

Indicates to me that this was consensual.

It indicates nothing of the sort that is evidence of nothing. 2/3's of all sexual assaults go unreported. Her not wanting to take action is INCREDIBLY COMMON so much so thats its the NORM. This behavior is part of the problem with sexual assaults because women are shamed and victim blamed for being the victim of a rape. To say things like that are partly WHY women dont want to report rapes. And you guys are shaming and victim blaming her.

If she was so drunk she cant remember most of what happened then she was too drunk to legally consent. She was raped.

Now she may be cheating but honestly this sounds more like rape then not and as someone who has worked with sexual assault survivors, and was the victim of a sexual assault myself, this is an all too common story I've heard all too frequently. Her behavior is very consistent with most sexual assault survivors. I never reported my sexual assault either.

Honestly it wont be a popular sentiment around here but you may want to give her the benefit of the doubt until you have REAL evidence of infidelity.

If she was raped your about to stack more trauma on to trauma when she needs you the most.

**edit** this does not absolve her of her irresponsible alcoholism.

[This message edited by mezlabor at 5:01 PM, September 13th (Wednesday)]

ISurvived7734 posted 9/13/2017 17:08 PM

don't know why I am not getting upset emotionally

Yet you say you "mind" so much you want to hit OM with a crowbar. I don't understand the difference here. What does "mind" mean to you? When you say you are not emotionally upset do you mean specifically with your WW?

Sainyads posted 9/13/2017 17:10 PM

Yeah just had a long talk about it. She doesn't rember leaving the pub or going to his. Just remembers being there and kissing and then saying no, no, no I can't lots. Said she doesn't remember what he said and oesnt remember the sex as such. Just the fact that it happened. She doesn't remember walking home or getting in and me and her talking when she got home. Didn't actually remember it happened until about 10 Sunday morning when it just popped into her head while i was at golf. I hope I am not just being neve. She said what if I report it and he says I consented and they do nothing and it brings it all out in the open

Sainyads posted 9/13/2017 17:12 PM

Yeah I haven't cried, shouted at her or lost my temper. I haven't eaten since she told me and I keep getting angry at things like the dog and cay but not her. I feel sick and think I should be smashing things up and screaming but I'm not

mezlabor posted 9/13/2017 17:16 PM

She said what if I report it and he says I consented and they do nothing and it brings it all out in the open

Also INCREDIBLY COMMON this was rape. Women who are the victims of rape often give those reasons for not wanting to report it. It's incredibly common.

Greeneyesbluezy posted 9/13/2017 17:30 PM

Jeez,

I'm with mezlabor here.

Not wanting to dredge up an act of rape, especially when the victim may feel some sense of responsibility due to her drunkenness, is not absolute indication of her freely having sex with this man.

What you need to do is get you wife to a doctor asap. Have a full std panel run, and a rape kit if she consents to it. While DNA would be gone there can be tissue damage.

Then, get to talking to the friends there. Find out exactly what happened. Find out who this man is.

If your wife continues to say that she said no, then at least convince her to talk to a therapist. She may well need therapy for this and her alcohol abuse.

She may have willingly cheated on you, but right now you do not have a complete picture. Her well being must be your priority at the moment. Afterward, you should also seek therapy to deal with whatever the absolute truth is in this situation, in her previous situation, and the future of your marriage.

Sainyads posted 9/13/2017 17:37 PM

Yeah already spoken to the doctor. Sti kit on the way. She is seeking help for alcohol and we are gonna see what we can do to see if we can get past this

Greeneyesbluezy posted 9/13/2017 21:10 PM

Sainyads,

I hoping she's going to see a doctor and not have a kit sent home? Maybe it's different in the U.K.?

You seem unable to respond to questions about either the supposed friends and their stories from that night or the other man.

You say you lack an emotional response yet want to smash OM with a crowbar?

Broken1Again posted 9/13/2017 21:26 PM

I think your "lack" of emotion towards your wife is just being diverted towards other things. So no I don't believe it means you don't care.

I had a friend who was "allergic" to alcohol and would experience black outs when she drank. I mean she literally could not remember anything from the night before. We would go out and the next day if I brought up funny things or people we met from the night before she legitimately couldn't remember anything. So it is possible your wife is in the same boat and for her own safety should not drink anymore.

Having said that is it possible someone put something in her drink?

notanotherchance posted 9/13/2017 23:32 PM

To be honest I 100% believe it was a 1 off

Well as it happened once before that you know of then it would be a 2 off. Remembering saying no, remembering her pants coming off, remembering it lasted for no more than 2 minutes (What was she doing counting off one one thousand, two one thousand... while he was banging her.
For someone so out of it she has a good memory. Seriously dude you need to do some digging, I think she only told you as she knew one of your friends would have said something. She did it before, she did it again...wash, rinse, repeat.

mezlabor posted 9/13/2017 23:46 PM

Well as it happened once before that you know of then it would be a 2 off. Remembering saying no, remembering her pants coming off, remembering it lasted for no more than 2 minutes (What was she doing counting off one one thousand, two one thousand... while he was banging her.
For someone so out of it she has a good memory. Seriously dude you need to do some digging, I think she only told you as she knew one of your friends would have said something. She did it before, she did it again...wash, rinse, repeat.
so she was raped twice. She might remember things but have been and probably was too intoxicated to fight it off. And at that level of intoxication she probably couldn't. Rape would explain the sudden depression after the first time very common symptom of rape. There's very likely something was slipped in her drink but its too late for a tox screen to find it now and too late for a rape kit to come up with any evidence. What you guys are doping right now is perpetuating the reason women don't come forward with rapes.

**edit** women who have been raped once are more likely to be raped again.

[This message edited by mezlabor at 12:00 AM, September 14th (Thursday)]

notanotherchance posted 9/14/2017 00:30 AM

Call me cynical or whatever. When you put yourself in the position where some thing can fall on your head and it does then who do you blame.

I have seen countless women state they were drunk, remember very little of the tryst as it only lasted a couple minutes or seconds but cant remember anything else which is very convenient for their story. So lets blame the booze.

This was her second "rape" both times drunk. So lets again blame the booze. Not saying she wasn't taken advantage of in her inebriated state but she willingly went to the OM's place and did allow her pants to be removed...etc, etc

If this was a married guy who got shit faced and went to some woman's house and she took advantage of him in his inebriated shape would you consider that rape or would you say the man fucked up big time & is a bottom dwelling scum sucker.

mezlabor posted 9/14/2017 00:37 AM

Call me cynical or whatever. When you put yourself in the position where some thing can fall on your head and it does then who do you blame.
I have seen countless women state they were drunk, remember very little of the tryst as it only lasted a couple minutes or seconds but cant remember anything else which is very convenient for their story. So lets blame the booze.

This was her second "rape" both times drunk. So lets again blame the booze. Not saying she wasn't taken advantage of in her inebriated state but she willingly went to the OM's place and did allow her pants to be removed...etc, etc

If this was a married guy who got shit faced and went to some woman's house and she took advantage of him in his inebriated shape would you consider that rape or would you say the man fucked up big time & is a bottom dwelling scum sucker.

You could write the text book on victim blaming. No wonder women under report rape, they get answers like this. You just went through three or four ways to victim blame.

“They were so full of self-blame and shame from the original assault that they felt unable to act on their own behalf during the later sexual assault victimization.”

source https://www.girlsglobe.org/2015/08/04/the-repetition-compulsion-why-rape-victims-are-more-likely-to-be-assaulted-again/

[This message edited by mezlabor at 12:41 AM, September 14th (Thursday)]

Tren0R201 posted 9/14/2017 00:51 AM

So you left her with a group of "friends" so this gentlemen is one of these friends you left her with?

How many friends were there?

Have you talked to these friends?

Have you talked to this gentleman who might have taken advantage of your very drunk wife who said no and doesn't remember anything.

Thing is the way your wife spins it, she said no and doesn't remember how her trousers came off which means it's rape so again have you questioned these friends who were there in this house and saw them go to the room?

Or did your wife leave with this guy and thus why did she do that and why did these friends allow her to leave with this guy.

Again a bit weird you haven't talked to these friends in light of your wife potentially being raped which is a crime and which means they are potential witnesses.

You need to go to the police like yesterday.

twisted posted 9/14/2017 08:38 AM

While I certainly understand mezlabor's point, some of the facts make her story sketchy.
She wanted to stay after you asked her to leave.
She was with "friends", so presumably in a safe environment, one that you would not think she would drugged or raped.(depending on how well you know these "friends"). It has happened before under similar circumstances.
She remembers him on top and how long it took, yet nothing before or after.
I agree with Tren0, a complete timeline and her condition last know from her friends and bartenders/waiters is in order. Did she walk out or was she carried out?
If she was taken advantage of, (raped) she should certainly file charges, and I would demand she does. Let the police question all that were there to determine the facts.
The question is how well do you know these people and are they trustworthy enough to tell you the truth?
Did she agree to go to this guy's house or not. If she did, she knew what was going to happen and that is consent. If she was dragged out to his car, that's different.
Ask her point blank if she consented, if not, tell her you are calling the police. I doubt most women would file a rape charge just to cover their cheating.
Maybe the pub has security cameras.
Start documenting dates and find out who worked that night, the sooner the better.

twisted posted 9/14/2017 08:57 AM

For the record, I've been drunk and stoned many times. Never have I been so that I didn't know what I was doing. I made some bad decisions in that state, but I knew what I was doing.

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