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Worst rollercoater in the world

ImSoConflicted posted 9/17/2017 09:06 AM

9/15/17
Labor day weekend I discovered enough to bluff my wife into admitting an affair she was starting. Unexpectedly, she told me about a prior affair I had no clue about. I've been asking tons of questions, we've been talking multiple times a day, and we've renewed our physical relationship.
She immediately offered total transparency. She agreed with NC with anyone involved. I have full access to everything, she calls/texts updates as her day goes on. She suggested MC and possible IT for herself. We went to our first MC session Wednesday, and we go again next week. We've been dealing with trickle-truths and I still don't feel she has taken full responsibility or shown true remorse, but that could just be my perception. Her actions show a genuine effort to put us back together.
However, my trust in her is completely gone. Right now, I can't allow myself to believe a single word she says or act she does. I'm so afraid she is simply following the recovery script from some of the many links I've sent her to read.
I'm afraid as we get to know each other again, I won't like the person she has become. She is an exceptional liar and either doesn't feel guilt or shame, or can hide it completely. She became best friends with her AP's W, both during and after their affair. The psychology involved that would allow a person to do something like that boggles my mind. This could all be the shock I'm still in, or it could be legitimate concerns. I'm just a mess and don't know what to do. Right now I'm going with the fake it til you make it attitude, for the sake of our daughter, and it also feels good to have her back in my arms. We are doing all the nice little things a happy couple does for each other. I feel moments of bliss, then the reality of our situation creeps back in and I get paranoid.
I don't know if I will be able to forgive her, if we have a chance, if we're just treading water because it feels good. We are doing the work, but I'm scared it won't be enough.

9/17/17
I realized Friday that this is all on her. She has to win me back. I gave her my ring and told her she can give it back when she thinks she is worthy. I told her we aren't separating or divorcing, just that I couldn't wear it and continue to mourn the dead marriage it represented.
Last night I think the fog finally lifted and she realized how truly awful the situation is. That her actions were entirely selfish, that her affair was so much more than the span of time they were together physically, but their emotional connection as well. The entire time she was sharing her thoughts, fears, worries with him instead of me was also the affair. She broke down and said I didn't deserve this and I should leave her. Finally a sign of true regret and remorse. Our poor therapist is going to have a bunch to work with after this weekend.

Lotzaboyz posted 9/17/2017 09:26 AM

So sorry. I have no advice, I am in the same boat. I am dealing with "trickle truths" and hope it is the end now. I want to take my ring off too, it feels so fake.

Michigan posted 9/17/2017 11:20 AM

we've renewed our physical relationship.
ImSoConflicted

Had your physical relationship stopped? This could be hysterical bonding (look it up). It could also be a calculated attempt to smooth things over. i.e. make you very happy until this all blows over. Donít get her pregnant.

they were together physically, but their emotional connection as well. The entire time she was sharing her thoughts, fears, worries with him instead of me was also the affair
ImSoConflicted

No sex with you could mean that she was being faithful to her other man (OM).

She broke down and said I didn't deserve this and I should leave her.
ImSoConflicted

Her affair was free until you found out. She had the time of her life with two men supplying her needs. You for stability and him for fun. She will try to keep both of you if she can, like a drug addict. Because of this there is a 99% chance she will at least contact the OM after she promised not to.

Put a voice activated recorder (VAR) under her car seat. Is the OM married?

Finally a sign of true regret and remorse.

How do you know? You are her judge and jury. Let's say she was caught robbing a bank and you could send her to jail for 20 years. How would she act towards you? How is it different than she is acting now? Could it be that she doesnít want to go to jail?

[This message edited by Michigan at 11:24 AM, September 17th (Sunday)]

ImSoConflicted posted 9/17/2017 12:22 PM

Had your physical relationship stopped? This could be hysterical bonding (look it up). It could also be a calculated attempt to smooth things over. i.e. make you very happy until this all blows over. Donít get her pregnant.

It is absolutely HB. We are taking precautions to prevent pregnacy. We both agreed that would be a horribly thing to happen at this time.

No sex with you could mean that she was being faithful to her other man (OM).

Her affair was free until you found out. She had the time of her life with two men supplying her needs. You for stability and him for fun. She will try to keep both of you if she can, like a drug addict. Because of this there is a 99% chance she will at least contact the OM after she promised not to.
Put a voice activated recorder (VAR) under her car seat. Is the OM married?

Our lack of sex life was for issues other than her affair. She couldn't/wouldn't communicate with me on her work stresses and used him as an emotional crutch and ego boost. When she got a new job and better place emotionally, she was done using him and began to cut him out of her life, because he was being too needy. I did say she was cold-hearted didn't I? I don't have much fear of her contacting him, more of him reaching out to her. A VAR would be pointless, she would use her office line and twitter to talk to him, not her cellphone. Yes, the OM is(was?) married. I informed his wife as soon as I was told about the affair. My W sent her a long apology the next day as well after she texted her asking if what I said the night before was true.

How do you know? You are her judge and jury. Let's say she was caught robbing a bank and you could send her to jail for 20 years. How would she act towards you? How is it different than she is acting now? Could it be that she doesnít want to go to jail?

I don't know. I can only judge by her actions going forward. She knows R isn't dependent on just her, but my ability to see a healthy future for us. If I feel I can't forgive her or will deliberately try to hurt her or make her suffer, I will end the R and we will move to D. If I feel she isn't putting in the work, same outcome. But she is answering the questions, doing the reading, making changes to break the old routines, seeking counselling, identifying the problems in herself that need to be addressed. False R? Time will tell. I'm in with my eyes opened for the first time in a long time.
I wallowed in self pity for several days, but I know my self worth. I will recover with or without her.

Jduff posted 9/17/2017 12:24 PM

I feel moments of bliss, then the reality of our situation creeps back in and I get paranoid.

This is becasue you still feel she is not a "safe partner" for you. Those are the keywords used here - Safe Partner. The question next is how can she be that safe partner? Read the healing library to the left of this page. Lot of good info there. Also get the book "How to help your spouse heal from an affair" by Linda MacDonald. You both should read it together.


She broke down and said I didn't deserve this and I should leave her. Finally a sign of true regret and remorse.

Regret? Yeah. Remorse? Nope. If she was remorseful she wouldn't be telling you that you should leave her. That's shame. She would instead be telling you "I understand if you want to leave me but I will still do what I can to help you heal over what I had done to you, our children, our marriage. I at the very least would like that opportunity" instead of trying to guilt you into a second chance.

Now, the trickle truths are the death of a marriage by a thousand cuts. She may think or claim to do this to spare you the pain but it is really about avoiding full accountability and consequences of her cheating. It is leveraging bits of truth of her power to keep you in the marriage.

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