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Repulsed by my wife...what do I do?

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STBXH posted 11/3/2017 11:24 AM

Hello all, I'm sure this was posted somewhere but since SI doesn't have a search box, I have no clue where to look.

My WW had a 3 month affair under my nose. Lies, gaslighting, and even emotionally connected to him at the end.

We are going for R. I believe that R is possible because she is doing everything "Textbook".

How do I not feel repulsed by her touch? Or feel sickened that another man was inside her and his hands all over her? Does this go away? I have ZERO respect for her but I do want to move forward. Any advice for guys who have been in my situation. PLEASE!

Notthevictem posted 11/3/2017 11:27 AM

If you said to jer something along the lines of 'you let him use you, now its my turn?' how would that go over?

(For other readers, I'm not suggesting sexual punishment, but the gateway I was able to use to kickstart hb)

STBXH posted 11/3/2017 11:34 AM

Notthevictem Uhmm, that doesn't help whatsoever. It actually solidifies my contempt for her.

Candyman66 posted 11/3/2017 11:56 AM

STBXH There is a thread in the "I can relate" thread that is all about "Men only, timeline to regain respect for the Wayward Wife"> that talks about this very subject. It might help in your situation.

STBXH posted 11/3/2017 12:03 PM

Thanks Candyman66. I'll check it out right now!

Sad1015 posted 11/3/2017 12:48 PM

Sorry this is happening STBXH.
What about just starting slow - holding hands, arm around shoulder. Trying to be in the moment at those times and not think about OM.

I'm not saying it is easy - it's so difficult. But just a thought.

Sad1015 posted 11/3/2017 12:49 PM

Sorry this is happening STBXH.
What about just starting slow - holding hands, arm around shoulder. Trying to be in the moment at those times and not think about OM.

I'm not saying it is easy - it's so difficult. But just a thought.

sisoon posted 11/3/2017 14:15 PM

If R is right for you, I think this is a phase a lot of us go through; I know I did.

I recommend you give it some time (2 weeks? 6 weeks? 3 months? You decide.). If it goes away, you know it was a phase. If it doesn't, R may not be your best option.

You can hold your head high either way.

psychmom posted 11/3/2017 14:22 PM

Not exactly sure why, but I jumped immediately into hysterical bonding mode, riding the "reclaiming my rightful place in our bed" wave which may have helped me ease back into "normal" sexual attraction/affection toward him with little lingering "issues" with mind movies, intrusive thoughts, etc. Not to say I never had or have thoughts of his affairs and APs while doing the deed, but the thoughts are manageable. I do think you'll feel less sickened by the sight of her after she's proven herself worthy of your respect. And that can take a long while for many of us. I still have days I feel I don't truly respect my H, but then I remind myself of the 3 years of work he's put into this, and I can pull my head back a bit and cut him some slack. But the damage they have done is immeasurable.

tiredofcrying59 posted 11/3/2017 14:24 PM

In my case, my H seduced me. He knew he was going to have to be the one to initiate and he was going to have to be willing to get shut down for as long as it took (hint: not long). But he was the WS, so it was on him to help me get it back.

I don't agree with the strongarm approach. That's for role playing night, not a gentle reengagement of physical touch.

tiredofcrying59 posted 11/3/2017 14:34 PM

I feel I should clarify though, the sex was not as repulsive to me as it probably is to some people. I have a lot easier time having sex with H than I do committing to any kind of long term R, because the damage for me is all emotional. But I also don't have to love someone to have sex with them and never have. Some people are not like that, I realize. I kind of separate them.

STBXH posted 11/3/2017 14:37 PM

psychmom thanks for that insight. We had Hysterical Bonding and it died down a few weeks ago. We are week 9 after Dday.

sisoon that's a great idea. I decided on January. 4-5 months to see if I can work past this.

Sad1015 I'm would like that except for when she touches me, it feels the same as a tarantula. LOL Really makes my skin crawl.

This scares me because I know that, LOGICALLY, this is an unreasonable fear/issue but emotionally I can't help it. I've never felt this before and it's totally strange...

newparadigm posted 11/3/2017 14:50 PM

Well, unless you were each other's first/only, you may be able to think of it the way I did.

I just told myself that when we got married, I knew she had been with other guys and I had been with other girls. I just used that mindset. Maybe a form of compartmentalization, but it worked for me. I can say that we are both pretty happy with our sex life now.

Unhinged posted 11/3/2017 15:06 PM

It comes with the territory, man. HB hit me like a freight train. And yet there were moments when even my WW's slightest touch caused a visceral reaction. I, too, felt the same revulsion. I think that lasted, off and on, for several months.

If her efforts to help you heal are successful and R goes well, those feelings will eventually wear off.

Give it as much time as you're comfortable with.

STBXH posted 11/3/2017 15:34 PM

Unhinged - Really? I'm not the only one? YES REVULSION! I feel bad about it because she is devastated and remorseful, saddened and shamed. She's doing EVERYTHING right as far as trying to be my healer. I hope this subsides in the coming weeks/months. I hope to be that couple that is stronger after all this. But not expecting it, day by day. Infidelity hurts like a MF'

I'm humbled and I want to get in the place where I can help other people who are suffering with this...

[This message edited by STBXH at 3:37 PM, November 3rd (Friday)]

TX1995 posted 11/3/2017 17:00 PM

You aren't alone. WH and I did some serious HB and just in recent weeks (we are almost 7 months past DDay), we have slowed down CONSIDERABLY. Some days I can't stand to kiss him because I automatically think of his A. On those days, I just don't. It's totally understandable. And honestly, I think it's okay to say I don't want to touch you because I can only think of you being with your AP. On those days we usually STOP any kind of sexual intimacy and just talk.
I don't think it's unusual at all. I love the days where it's not in my head, but they are definitely outnumbered by the days when I *do*.

thatbpguy posted 11/3/2017 17:12 PM

How do I not feel repulsed by her touch? Or feel sickened that another man was inside her and his hands all over her?

I felt that way for quite some time. And my X is drop dead beautiful. So sex didn't happen for about 9 months and only when I just had to scratch the itch. Afterwards I apologized for wanting to touch her.

Does this go away?

For most I think it does in time. But also it still lingers. It's not a good place to be, but it's what it is.

I have ZERO respect for her but I do want to move forward.

You realize this makes no sense at all. If you have no respect for her, how could you consider moving forward??

Any advice for guys who have been in my situation. PLEASE!

I suggest telling her what you're telling us and then a trial 90-day separation. Be it in house and separate beds or moving out. Perhaps by not sleeping with her desire can be restarted- or not, and then you will know. I emailed with a young couple who were working hard in R. After a year he decided he just could not have sex with his WW and divorced her. She did everything right in R, but it's not up to the WS- it's up to the BS.

Downforthecount posted 11/4/2017 07:04 AM

Been There! Still there on and off. It does ease off in time. Because of specifics in my case there are times she tries to kiss me and I just turn away, she reaches for me and I move, we make love and I break down while still...engaged.
BUT there are times she reaches for me and I welcome it, that's a very real change for me..etc..
When it all came out what I felt for her was somewhere between utter disgust and disdain. At the very least I don't feel like throwing up every time she tries to reconnect now.

STBXH posted 11/4/2017 10:39 AM

Downforthecount...

NOTED! lol

I'm just glad this seems to be normal. We made love last night...I stayed engaged. This morning, I feel sick to my stomach. This is a rollercoaster and I want off.

Pfft posted 11/4/2017 11:21 AM

For me it went from fervent reclaiming to “fake it to you make it” to indifference. We were each other’s firsts. There is no compartmentalization available for me. It went from something that was ours alone and something special to just something that is fun to do. I can’t be emotionally attached to sex anymore. Hurts too much. I still love my wife and, as equally important, I like her. (Love is a choice and like is an option).

The roller coaster highs and lows get smaller and therefore no longer terrifying. Even though I no longer am emotionally battered by the roller coaster I feel like I am getting queazy from the long ride.

Pfft

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